I have relapsed with opiates....feel horrible

I did something totally different this time.  I was using the pods I was on less (opium plant pods) and switched to heroin about a month ago, while using pods here and there.  I worked my way up to 2-3 bags per day (20 dollars a bag) using them at one dose at night, or two doses within an hour because I felt nothing usually after about an hour.  I was snorting these.  The first time I tried cold turkey, I relapsed because I had the opium pods around.  I didn't get rid of them and after a week I figured I can use them here and there and not get addicted, horrible mistake.  This time, I got rid of the number I use to get the heroin, totally cut off all possibilities to get opium pods so there are none left at home and even took it a step further and got rid of the ultram which I had 20 pills of.  So I took my last dose of heroin (3 bags) on wednesday night, thursday I was fully clean, friday I was clean for half the day and then I started getting out of breath and got horrible anxiety (mind you I'm doing this alone) so I took one 50 mg ultram.  I still feel relatively ok physically.  I took that ultram at about 6 pm and it's now 1:56 am, still no physical symptoms except inability to sleep, a little runny nose, muscle aches that are tolerable, and here is the one I really have trouble with...horrible depression.  I never felt so horribly alone in my life...of course because no one knows that I used and no one knows that I'm withdrawing now as I took a week off to go through withdrawals.  I got rid of all the ultram (flushed it all down the toilet).  So now there is absolutely no turning back.  If I leave the house to even search a new spot for drugs (which knowing me is unlikely because of the high risk of getting caught), I will be questioned and either way, the car is in the shop so I can't even drive so I really have no possibility now.  


I just decided to come here because I never felt so horribly alone and depressed.  I cried my *** off yesterday because I thought my girlfriend was detaching from me...I'm still not so sure yet but she said she wants to work on our relationship and that she still loves me...so I had to hide all my damn emotions and act like I wasn't going to put up with her lack of love towards me and her distancing because I don't want to seem desperate (which I know will definitely drive any girl away).  So I told her, I will not be taken for granted like she said she did, and I will not work on this relationship unless she will work on herself (mind you she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom).  So she noticed that I'm not being a child about this and seemingly is ok with me now although the I love yous and warmth is taking time to get back.  I love her so much so first day of withdrawal I cried literally for two hours thinking of the great times I had and how I never want to be with anyone else in my life.  I still feel this sadness so this is the only place I can turn to.  If she knows I was on drugs and she is so against them, I'll definitely lose her so I'm suffering away from literally everyone in total silence and whenever she calls I have to be totally normal which I do pull off quite well.  I even come off happy and totally unshaken.  But aside from all that...it's odd because when I hit day two of withdrawal, before I took the ultram I was more emotionally stable but horrible physically unstable and breathing very hard.  Now it's about 8 hours into the ultram and I feel horribly emotionally unstable but physically stable.  I just want to know...considering my habit, how much more of this **** do I have to go through.  I hope someone can talk to me because I never in my life felt so alone and I will do anything at this point to get my old fit self back and to be in good condition so I can be the man to the woman I love deeply.  I have so much motivation now that I have no possibilities of using opiates, I at least feel good about that, but I still feel like I'm hell right now and I feel like crying and I can't sleep.  I hope this doesn't last for more than 3 more days beyond this because I need to get back to my life.  

[subpop200]

One more thing...is it true that all emotions that were being driven off while being on opiates comes right out during cessation of use?  I never was this bad in my whole life.  I was always an emotionally strong person.  I really need someone to say something becuase I'm stuck here.  I'm not going to sleep for at least a few days at this rate.  Please help, I'm doing this alone.  =(

[worried878]

Well...sounds like u r extremely serious about quitting..flushing and all..I do know heroin sounds like an awful drug//cos it is a street drug...but it is almost the same as morphine snorted or shot up..it is do-able,,,ur dose is very do0-able..since u used at night//that is when u will feel the worst..i was a daytime user for nrg...so at night i felt normal during wds..lots has to do with when we used...some r day users..some night..some constant..but most have a mojor time they used even if it was spread out thru the day/night

Using isolates us from those we love...seems as if ur girlfriend detached as well?  It will be hard to discern these type of feelings until u actually FEEL again....and u will very soon..this passes..the mental part may take a bit..so be sure u r doing some type of aftercare

I also detoxed alone at home...sometimes it is best to be alone...if I woulda had a boyfriend,,i woulda have liked to have shared so he could help//i didnt/and if a person is not an addict they do not understand anyway..so perhaps it was for the best i did it alone

Have u read thru the health pages?  lots of great info there...thomas recipe rox...exercise even is just a walk can do wonders cos it kix in those much needed endorphins..hard as it may be..u gotta move...stay busy...if u feel a craving clean out a drawer..a closet..a walk..a draive...anything..just MOVE

There r lots of otc things for sleep..melatonin, valerian root, benadryl etc...most drts will call in phenergan if u have any tummy symptoms and phenergan will knock most out for the night

congrats on ur decision..and ur flushing!  many cant do what u did!  u r on ur way to cleandome...just be sure u seek support..it is crucial..meetings r everywhere..even counseling can be great..keep posting

[subpop200]

You are totally right.  I will need to get the counseling on top of all this...in private of course.  But I will get it this time.  No more mistakes.  This time I wasn't going to make a mistake, not like the first time.  It was hard as hell flushing those pills down.  But I did it regardless.  I prayed to God with tears like never before in my life.  It's hell knowing I'm doing this alone and feeling possibly delusional that my relationship is on the rocks.  Thing is, even when I was using, I was never ever detached with her.   I was super boyfriend.  I was always there, always full of energy.  Always positive.  It's just not real though, and I noticed that it was catching up to me fast recently.  I was using too much money on drugs, getting lazy, and boy did I feel guilty that I couldn't take my girl out somewhere super nice and I was using small amounts of money for the usual dinner or movie.  Not good enough for me even if she isn't shallow.  That's just not how I treat my woman...I need to do better for myself and for her.  That was the first thing that sparked my need to change, the second thing was it just hit me "wow i'm going to the southside of chicago getting heroin for God's sake, something very wrong with this picture", that caused me to lie to her and everyone else...all these emotions of guilt, pain, and feeling as if I already lost her even though I didn't erupted badly at night on Thursday and once again this morning just a couple hours ago...these were feelings without a doubt of rock bottom...I finally hit rock bottom.  I'm so glad you posted.  I feel some hope.  Besides praying my *** off recently...I really needed someone, anyone to hear me!  This is definitely now without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I probably won't be able to tell my girl for a few years what happened as we are only one year and a few months fresh but I feel like I've known her my whole life.  I can't lose that.  The drugs don't compare to that feeling of need of a woman that touches your heart every time she looks you in the eye.  I'm done.

[worried878]

She is very lucky..not many love so deeply...scorps/water signs do!   again she is very lucky

I always try to think about my mom...if what I was dont and she could see me???It made me realize it wasnt right...we have a soul that we were raised with//an inner self..and when what we do rocks that boat...we dont feel so great anymore..it just isnt any fun anymore..most hqave a breaking point...be it isolating, loss of a job, depression, going broke, getting into deep doo doo in some way..in a way we r lucky cos some d0o not have a breaking point..they just keep on and on and end up in jail or dead..or losing everything dear to them before they wake up and smell the roses..this doesnt get any better..only worse
meetings r everywhere...I go to AA//principles r the same as NA..google both..float around and listen..i found out stories that made my skin crawl..stories about whre this disease can take u if u do not stop...there r also counselers out there as well...addition books also helped me..."End my Addiction Now" was very informative as well as the NA book..I even read novels bout addiction like "A Million Little Pieces and "MY Friend Leonard"  "Running with Scissors" was good as well...for me learning what I had done/why I did it/and what to expect helped alot

one thing i do know...u need to have support..it is not the awful dirty secret u think it is..as time goes on u will realize it is not an "in the closet" thing/addiction..it is so very common,,u r not defective...remember that..and keep posting

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I just wish she felt that way, she is suffering from depression so like I said, she even loses love for her own mother and kitten that she just got.  I know it's a problem that needs medical attention, it seems to be lately.  She felt like she needed a break from me which surprised me because I was there for her all the time but the common problem that I totally didn't think of was that the relationship was good but not exciting and women lose interest fast in that case.  I wasn't as aggressive despite being a good person, I was before use that's for sure.  Just being nice isn't cutting it anymore, she needs spontaneity more aggression, I realized I can only do this off the drugs.  She definitely was crazy about me at some point, I need to respark that.  I did gain some weight so that could be another reason why.  So that's why this becomes double the difficulty because I have to get over withdrawal and win her over again almost.  I could've done withdrawal so much better without that but that's fate for you.  

And yea, I do consider myself lucky that I do have a breaking point now that I read what you said.   I didn't realize that at first, that some people don't have breaking points.  It happened to me before with pot in high school, I reached a breaking point after three years and quit.  It happened five years ago with a 2 month use of heroin...not nearly as much as my habit has built up now, it was like 4 bags a week only on weekends so no withdrawals.  Then now, after 9 months I believe, I hit another breaking point, it hit me so hard this time I couldn't possibly turn back.  The idea of not being with my woman and that being because of the drugs...oh wow, I would never forgive myself, I would probably plunge deeper into drugs so maybe I can see why people keep using because they feel maybe they've lost something so dear to them that it doesn't matter anymore.  I don't want to end up down that road so I must stop now...no other time but now is so crucial.  And I'm definitely going to look into those NA and AA meetings.  I definitely need the support.  There is no doubt there.  It feels good enough just talking to you online.  Imagine a whole group of people!  Thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me and how much it's helping.  I can't sleep so this is the only place I can turn.  I have the worst headache and I'm just letting time pass ever so slowly until it's all over.  

[subpop200]

Are horrible migraines part of withdrawal?  I'm definitely not going to sleep now.  This pain is ridiculous.  And I thought migraines were bad when I was not a user...it's so bad now and I'm starting feel like throwing up.  This really ***** bad.  

[subpop200]

I'm still off the opiates.  Still withdrawing pretty bad.  Waiting for the worst part which from what it seems is the nausea and vomitting.  So far haven't reached that yet.  Going to the doctor now to see if I can get some clonidine because I'm having trouble breathing.  Clearly my blood pressure is through the roof and I feel hyped up and not in a good way.  Hopefully that will help me.  I don't know how much longer this will last, hopefully not long.  

[Florida_Guy737]

The med wds are seriously messing with your head;  read the PAWS info contained in the health pages on this site so you know what you are in for.  Also, I applaud you for staying strong with your girl; you're right, clinging is not an attractive attribute and really pushes people away.

Good Luck

Guy

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Oh I heard about that.  I know that's why I need to go to meetings afterwards.  I'm ok with everything now, it was the high blood pressure thing that was really getting to me because it was making my breathing very heavy.  I got some meds from the doctor, some clonipin and an anti-anxiety med and it brought it all down, he gave me just enough for three days to get through the worst and then I'll be off that.  He said blood pressure problems are a physical withdrawal thing and that'll be gone soon and my breathing will come back to normal soon enough.  So that was my primary worry.  As long as I don't have freakin' breathing problems, I think I can deal with sobriety just fine.  It's just that this is the first time I ever dealt with that before and ofcourse it is difficult because a lot of emotions were buried during the using part of my problem and they erupted for a couple days, they are gone now.  I'm more emotionally stable.  I'm just dealing with some minor physical symptoms now.  I'll live.  

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So this is day three...just wondering when the vomiting and diarrhea will start.  I felt like puking but nothing is coming out at this point.  I feel like when that happens, I'm pretty close to ending all this and getting better day by day.  Is it possible it won't even come considering I was only worked up to 2-3 20 dollar bags of heroin per day at night snorted and I still got relatively high off that? I just hope that this starts getting better in a couple days.  The anti-anxiety med and clonidine is making a good difference...I feel better but not good.  

[keystock]

My addiction or circumstance is differnt from your but I feel for you. I know with this site there is the one place someone will always have been there before u n have an answer to your questions. Good luck seems like u know where u are going and that's half the battle the other half is feelin crappy. Good luck again I'm sure any of us would love to email with you so u know your not alone as here I've found u arent

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Thank you for the support keystock.  At this point, the only thing that is driving me crazy is nausea that just won't come out and my legs and upper body is so restless despite the anti-anxiety med, I can't stay in one spot for anything in the world without feeling like moving around despite my lack of energy to move around my body wants to just jump out of itself.  It's driving me a bit nuts but I'm coping.  Moving around in one spot or walking around since that's all i can do.  The restless legs which usually spreads to the rest of my body is always the worst symptom during withdrawal.  I had it when I first withdrew the first time I posted on here.  It wasn't nearly as bad as now since my habit blew up since then and the length of time made it worse too.  So now my symptoms are about a thousand times worse than the first time I withdrew.  I should've realized it then, it was tolerable then...as opposed to moments where it's just intolerable now.  But it's not as bad as yesterday at least.  And yea, email me or private message me if you'd like, I always respond back.  I get on here several times a day to check up on things and maybe get some strength out of it since it does help.  And haha, how some people just compare this to a bad flu...it's so much worse than a bad flu...cmon now.  

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Well at least this seems to be the best night in terms of withdrawals.  Like I said I quit after Wed.  That was my last dose of heroin (3 bags insufflated over 2 hours).  These were 20 dollar bags.  Anyway, Thursday was clean, Friday was clean til 6 pm where I took one 50 mg ultram and threw away all the rest of them, Saturday (today) totally clean and probably a better day than the other two which were hell.  Especially yesterday night once that ultram wore off, I had the worst migraine, restless body couldn't sleep but I got like 2-3 hours anyway.  I just hope hope hope that my one ultram 50 mg pill that I used yesterday didn't prolong the withdrawal OR make it start all over again where today is like day 1.  That's what I'm really worried about.  Because tramadol is technically a weak opiate and does bind to the opiate receptors.  Anyone know or think this will prolong my withdrawal or basically cause me to start from scratch?  I'm really hoping not because I think I went through enough hell already.  

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Btw, I'm feeling really freakin strong right now.  Feel like **** but my mind has never failed me in the past.  No doubt, I'm getting through this now.  Once again, got rid of my contact on my phone which was only one and told him never to call back and my parents now know of this and they have his name and won't let me leave the house unless it's by them to the doctor.  They WILL call the police if he calls again.  Step two...cut off my supply to opium poppy pods.  So there goes my heroin dealer and there goes my poppy pods.  All gone.  No turning back, no way to get any opiates.  So all I can do is keep strong.  But I still hope some people can answer my questions to my post right above this one.   =)

[mij123]

how brave of you.  i watched my boyfriend do it without help and the emotions do pour out he kept crying over silly things which was not like him at all.  i am about to start myself just trying to get the guts and very worried about depression as i have had it in the past before i started using.  also  i live with my teen children so can not let let know. i have some methedone and am going to try and detox myself with it. h is starting to take over my life and most of my wages are being wasted on it. my boyfriend is in prison because of it and for years i have never felt the need to use until my dad died last year, it costs me £30p day so i feel terrible for taking this money from my family not paying bill etc i no things can only get worse if i do not srtop,  i just hope i have your strengh. and its wonderful to know that there are others like me out there who got caught up rather then the public opinion that people who take drugs are selfish scumbags.  good luck and please keep strong and i hope everything works out with your girlfriend.

[subpop200]

I guarantee you can do it.  The times that you feel most vulnerable are probably going to be the first three days.  YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT unless you cut off all your sources, find someone to keep you from going out and getting some drugs, and totally make it impossible to the absolute to get anything that's bad.  In other words, you must make it like you have no turning back.  You WILL suffer.  No doubt but when you get through the suffering, you will feel a ridiculous sense of empowerment and accomplishment.  Let me just give you a piece of advice, if you feel like crying, cry your *** off until you can't cry again, it might come back to you, **** it just cry again.  It's not like me either but wow, I cried like there is no tomorrow and then the pain got real bad yesterday...it was like literally torture for me since I had restless body, nervousness, high as hell blood pressure and I couldn't breath for ****, and then the MIGRAINE!!  Ahhh!!!  It was like 8 hours of constant torture BUT this doesn't happen to everyone and when it gets bad NOTHING helps more than praying your *** off.  Like literally just crying and praying.  Talk to God, if you don't believe in God talk to your father that died...tell him you're doing this for him and that you want to make him proud wherever he is.  I'm getting emotional just saying that, but even if you feel alone, you don't have to feel alone as long as you are talking to someone even if it may be God.  I got through that, went to the doctor and got some clonidine and enough anti-anxiety meds for 3 days so I don't get hooked on something else.  Most of the time you should think to yourself, I will be a better person when I get through this, I will endure the pain and show myself that I'm capable of taking the worst that life can throw at me.  You will come out a much stronger person if you get through it cold turkey.  Eventually you'll have to stop methadone so you might have to go through this.  If it were me...I wouldn't even think of using the methadone.  But that's everyone's unique choice, there is nothing wrong with that either.  You can do this.  If I were there to hug you, I would because we all need someone to listen to us to get through all this.  

I'm personally ending day 3, clonidine and anti-anxiety meds work pretty well.  No headache tonight.  Emotionally unusually sensitive than I normally am but I know that's just part of the withdrawal so I know that isn't me.  Tomorrow...should technically be the worst day.  We'll see.  I finally got some diahrrea and as strange as it sounds, I was actually happy about it because that just means my body is finally getting rid of the toxins and coming back to normal.  Let's see what happens in the new 3 days.  I'll keep posting.  If I'm better by day 5, day 6 I'm hitting up the gym slowly and starting to get active again.  I remember my first withdrawal, exercise got me out of withdrawal so damn fast it was retarded.  This time it was way worse so the possibility of exercise wasn't possible iwth the high blood pressure and hyperventilation.  I'll keep everyone updated and thanks for hearing me out mid123, I'll always be happy to hear you out too.  Keep in touch please.  

[worried878]

The pills take away our feelings//both tactile and mental..so hence our sex drive is often affected..i remember when iwas like 2 weeks clean..my sex drive came back full force!  and I am a girl...the pills become more important than other things..like sex..for some even more important than food

I hope u r sleeping tonite...sleep is important to recovery cos without sleep we can become weak...if u have tried otc stuff then there r also safe drugs u can ask ur dr for like phenergan and more...be sure u get ur sleep

WDs often hit our weak pain spots..be it back,,knees,,for u migraines..narcotics r not the doc for headaches..there r much safer drugs on the market for migraine sufferers...have u looked into that?  Communicate with ur dr

u r a prize for any woman cos it is obvious u have a heart of gold...remeber u r woth it and be sure u seek aftercare..if u r not having severe wds by day 3 then perhaps u will not have them..stay positive..expect the best and not the worst

if u have not skimmed the health pages and read the thomas recipe..then do so if u can

keep posting

[subpop200]

To my surprise, I thought I would get some sleep considering I only had three hours the night before and I woke up 2 times.  I have the anti-anxiety and clonidine but that isn't helping me with sleep at all.  I thought it would because it made me tired this afternoon but I'm ramped up like on speed because of this withdrawal.  It has my anxiety levels through the roof even wtih anxiety meds, my breathing isn't that bad though.  It's 1:15 am, feels like a weak point with me but thank God I turned off all possibilities to get opiates, it's for moments like this.  Yes I'm expecting the best, but it's still very hard because I feel like the anxiety won't go away.  That's not exactly a physical symptom and the anxiety is really bad since it's accompanied with depression.  I have to constantly convince myself that things will get better mentally.  I hope that doesn't last too long because this isn't physical.  In about 4-5 days I need to be back up on my usual routine of working out and work...I wonder if I can be myself again because I fear panic attacks because of this.  Do you have any ideas on this worried878?  I would greatly appreciate some advice on this because I need to be relatively functional and not anxious in a weeks time.  Back to full force work, waking up early, dealing with lots of people, etc. etc.  I just hope I can handle that without the drugs.  

[subpop200]

Oh and I forgot to mention, the restless legs is ridiculous.  I'm definitely not getting any sleep for sure.  So I have to go through longer days.  I dread the night but...meh what else can I do?  Just gotta bare with it.  

[subpop200]

Another important question I have...does restless leg syndrome go away after going through withdrawal?  I didn't really have it before I used opiates.  I say didn't really because I had restless legs here and there maybe a couple times a month and it went away fast.  Did I just screw myself over and cause permanent restless legs due to opiate use?  I just hope it's during withdrawal and it goes away by next week because I can't function at all with restless legs...it's very severe now which happened last time I withdrew.  It's debilitating and I might as well withdraw forever if I have restless legs because that's how dysfunctional this disorder makes me.  Anyone know?  Will it go away after withdrawal?  Or is this something that stays?  

[subpop200]

On day 4, called an amazing hotline...too tired to release the information now since I think I might be able to get some sleep finally.  I feel better so far, not out of the woods yet but I'm on day 4 so that isn't bad.  Took some clonidine and anti-anxiety so hopefully that will do the trick to get my legs to shut up.  

[subpop200]

Day 4, 3:23 PM...me thinking that one ultram would set me back to day one on friday....so wrong.  But I did hit rock bottom Saturday morning at 1am till about 7am...like I said the time when I thought this would never end and my anxiety was through the roof, my legs wouldn't stop moving (restless legs severely), breathing so hard because my blood pressure was insanely high, achy, chills, my migraine was pounding, nausea was debilitating, mind was racing, depressed emotions like never before, crying and praying for hours to God and to the people I love in my mind....then I finally pass out after taking a good chunk of ibuprofen at 7 am till 10 am...waking up several times.  Wake up breathing hard got some pills from doc...not a bad day but still feeling physical symptoms.  

Well guess what...4th day today.  Best day thus far.  My mood is high, my energy still ***** but it's ok, I worked out this morning after getting 3 hours of sleep...forced myself to jog in one place and do pushups for about 12 min.  That was the best I could do with the energy I had on no food but I did it.  Doing EVERYTHING I can to keep my positivity up so those feel good chemicals naturally kick in.  Getting tyrosine, b6, multi vitamins, 5-htp, exercise, positive thinking (watching comedies, talking to people)...and the best one of them all...this one hotline where you can call and talk to someone that has both gone through what you will go through and has a lot of information to help you get through it quickly and as painlessly as possible.   This guy Charlie was a huge help.  Here is the number and information:

IT'S ALL FREE, just call so you can talk to someone...Ask for Charlie, he'll make you laugh, give you the best advice, keep you positive, and get you out of withdrawal much faster.  

1-941-776-7082  (like I said it's free and they are very enthusiastic to help people with substance abuse problems....thing is you have to call if you are serious about quitting.  Give them detailed information about what you used, how long, and what you plan to do to quit)  Go for it people!  This is the first day I feel happy and positive!  And it's only day four after a relatively heavy habit.  

I love everyone one of you for listening to me.  I'll keep posting.  =)

[subpop200]

Day 4 is ending....I'm feeling groggy but can't sleep.  My breath is still heavy.  I feel horribly restless all over my body which is the worst feeling.  I have no energy to move.  But the nausea is significantly less...maybe I just feel like **** because I forced myself to eat and drink a lot on purpose so my body can get the nutrients it needs.  Now my stomach just hurts.  But no nausea and no diahrea.  It could be simply because i decided not to take the clonidine and anti-anxiety med until I go to sleep because I don't want to have rebound hypertension when i quit the clonidine in a day or two and I definitely don't want to withdraw from anti-anxiety meds.  So I toughed it out today without those.  So maybe considering that I'm not in the worst condition even without those and yesterday I was on them and I was much better....I should be getting better yea?  We'll see tomorrow (day 5).  I can't wait till Wednesday when my doctor checks me up on day 7 to see how I managed.  

[subpop200]

Midnight is right around the corner which means DAY 5!!!  I feel way better...doing some unorthodox things to get my serotonin flowing like masturbating 3 times a day without getting to climax, 5-htp  2 pills 3 times a day, a little bit of dxm since I have a cough probably cause of withdrawal, clonidine now at this point ONLY at night and one more day of that tomorrow since I don't want hypertension problems when I quit, anti-anxiety only before bed, lots of water, lots of food all despite the diarrhea, a **** load of calling people up and talking to get my mind stimulated and positive, talking on that hotline with my buddy charlie is amazing (i'm laughing and talking about some great stuff so my brain is going to realize that hey...no opiates, but i can deal with this and function again!), taking immodium...not really helping but not really a big deal either, l-tyrosine with folate, b6, and copper to activate the neurotransmitter, and working out when I wake up for more and more time every day.  

I'm on my way suckas!  There is no turning back now, I feel normality coming back to me.  Just a couple more days and I'll be back on full schedule, going out, working, working out intensely, eating 6 times a day, no more opiates, NA or AA meetings....I'm going to do this and every time I go deep into positive thinking, I feel better and better.  It's about damn time.  Day 4 and I'm already feeling pretty damn great.  Day 5 will be another challenge but as long as I do my exercises, stick to my routine of supplements and diet, I know I'll make it.  

The only thing this withdrawal helped me realize is that...if I can go through the intense inhumane torturous pain I went through when my withdrawal peaked...I CAN DO ANYTHING.  It took me some serious balls to make it through that but now that I did I feel strong like nothing can stop me.  

[subpop200]

Agh...where'd everyone go?

[subpop200]

OH whatever, if no one is going to answer, I'm just going to use this as a log for my progress.  I'm still on day 5...got NO SLEEP so I'm feeling kind of ****** but no where near as bad as day 3 early early morning from 12 am till 7 am.  Like I said, that pain I went through was inhumane...comparing this to a flu is stupid.  Even my doctor told me he felt bad for me considering what I went through.  But whatever, that's not the point.  

It's 7 am on day 5, sleep is clearly a problem still and probably will be for another week or more, I can handle that as long as I can eventually work out and get my endorphins flowing which I will do later on today for 20 min.  Nothing crazy but enough to get me sweating and feeling good.  My mood is pretty stable.  I'm not depressed at all....not even close.  I actually got chills listening to David Bowie and yesterday I had some conversations with friends and had some damn good laughs so clearly the exercises I did and the supplements I took are making me come back pretty quickly.  Thomas Recipe but with enhancements since the counselor I talk to said there are a few supplements and techniques that can complete it to make it work ten times better.  Also my energy levels suck but that's not getting me down...when I force myself to work out, my energy always snaps back temporarily which is nice.  So yea...gonna keep listening to some Bowie because it's giving me some nice chills....the good chills...that are making me feel almost euphoric.  Carrying on, can't wait till this coming weekend...first time I'll be going out and being normal without substances and it all seems very doable at this point.  

[subpop200]

I forgot to mention some extra symptoms I have:

Still have diarrhea, still have stomache aches and horrible appetite which is pretty much nonexistant, restless legs still there, a bit hyped up probably because my brain is still releasing too much nor epinephrine, and got a mild cough and scratchy throat.  I force myself to eat so clearly the withdrawal isn't over yet but the worst has already past.  

[madelina]

Congrats on getting through it!  Many,many people can't do it on they're own. I foung that Klonopin, hot baths and plenty of fluid helpe me immensely. Also taking massive amounts of vitamins. Today is day six, and i still don't feel i'm over the worst of it. But i am DETERMINED not to live a life dependant on drugs. Thank you for posting you have given me hope that it does get better

[nuredshuz]

you are doing great... im on day 28 off of 150mg hydro a day.. round the clock time released compound that was prescribed.. i felt bad for about 2 weeks.. but I forced myself to walk every day at least a mile.. im now jogging 2 miles a day.. when I stared that after only a few days I could feel my physical body getting stronger which kinda pulled my mind out of the lack of energy.. still had it but it was only a few days.. its all worth it.. all your symptoms are probably about to turn the bend.. keep a positive attitude it will do wonders for you.. just think two weeks of wd's for a life time of being back to yourself.. even if the walk is all you accomplish for the day.. its good.. just keep doing it every single day.. sleep will return and the jittery feeling will go away.. i felt like I was getting the jitters out by exercising.. congrats you are well on the way!! keep it up!!!

[subpop200]

Yes Madelina, it definitely does get better.  I totally agree that many people can't do it themselves...I guarantee if I had some opiates around me at the worst of it I would've just budged but I did the right thing and I made it impossible to get any and told my parents so they wouldn't let me out of the house and my dealer got scared off by my threat.  So yea...that's always the only way out.  Cut off ALL sources completely because I must say...the peak of the symptoms is truly inhumane...there is no other way of putting it.  I didn't know about the supplements at the time and I literally felt like I was going to die and I went through 7 hours of twisting, turning, sweating, aching, migraine, restless leg movements all over my body, extremely heavy breathing (hyperventilating), severe nausea, vomitting, and super high anxiety so my heart was beating like crazy because of the ridiculously high blood pressure.  All that at once just made me pray and cry like there was no tomorrow.  

So yea, can't really blame a lot of people that can't do it by themselves...it's pure torture but if you think about it...it doesn't really last THAT long!   The next days feel crappy but nothing anyone can't handle.  But with true willpower it's possible.  And esp. with cutting off all sources then you are just going to have no choice which is great.  

Thank you for the response.  It means the world to me to know someone else is out there listening and working with me on this.  No turning back for me, I hope you did the right thing and murdered all sources to the point of impossibility or you WILL relapse.  I wish you the best my friend.  =)

[subpop200]

You definitely got that right!  Exercise is truly the key to snap back very fast.  I'm on day 5 and I woke up without breathing heavy and feeling like an anxious piece of ****.  My legs are still a bit annoying but that should go away soon.  Positive think really is a great tool, this is exactly why I call my friends and the hotline to talk to my counselor to get some good laughs and encouragement.  I'm not even joking when I say my brain feels like it's back to where it was before use and I've been using for a pretty damn long time (10 months)...and high amounts of morphine, codeine, and thebaine since the opium pods I grinded and drank down are really as bad if not worse than taking something like a high dose of oxycontin except it lasts way longer....pods seem to have a half life of 2 days.  Pretty strong stuff.  Anyway, it then went to heroin in the last month and let me tell you, that's how I found out how truly strong the pods were and I knew they were strong anyway but even snorting one bag of 20 dollars worth of heroin wasn't giving me that much of a high...a nice euphoric buzz but still surprising and it lasted like 20 min so I knew that my tolerance went through the roof and then I quickly built up to 2-3 bags a night snorted with barely that much of a high at all.  

But for the first time, I feel I don't need anything but some good old exercise and a **** load of supplements.  Anyway, thank you so much for the encouragement every time someone does that I'm probably creating some new connections in my brain that are making me recover faster!  haha.  Thank you so much.  =)

[subpop200]

Ahhhhh....10 months of opium poppy pods (high morphine content almost every day) and a month of progressively heavier heroin use and I feel GOOD.  I just woke up at 12:44 pm because my body finally passed out at like 10 am so....a little sleep not bad...and I immediately decided to turn on some Bowie and work out for 20 min.  I'm not talking about a regular work out either, I'm talking some lifting weights to failure with no rest in between because I was running in place and lifting my knees up as high as possible, then doing leg raises on the ground super slow with contractions all throughout (most painful way of doing them) and I actually managed to get through it on an empty stomach, then I ate very well to compensate for the recovery but I couldn't believe that I was capable of that and I'm on day 5.  Clearly exercise is a gift.  It's a natural opiate that makes you feel better much faster.  I did a little exercise yesterday about 12 min lightly all I could handle, today 20 min. super intense...I was drenched at the end.  So improvement is quick.  If I can do it people and I was on relatively heavy stuff...you can too.  As usual first three days are the worst, pray your *** off, cry as much as you can to get all the emotions out then start focusing hard on positive thinking, forcing yourself to eat and drink nutrient dense foods, and the thomas recipe (just add more b-6 200 mgs, copper 2mg, and folic acid to activate the l-tyrosine or it won't work as well, trust me on this!)  and 5-htp is a huge help as well.  

Good luck to anyone who is ready to withdraw.  Don't turn to methadone, that's just another opiate and you WILL withdraw longer after you quit.  Just get it over with...in two weeks you will be back pretty quickly as long as you are strong and forcing yourself to eat, exercise, take tons of supplements, move around, fill yourself with comedy movies and positive thought, good uplifting music, talking on the phone with people that make you feel good, etc. etc. etc.  It's so doable.  

[subpop200]

Still moving forward.  No turning back!

[subpop200]

6 hours til day 6.  I'm exhausted, lethargic, not much appetite but my mood is superb.  And I'm way more capable of moving around and doing stuff than before.  But this could be because I did a super intense 20 min work out when I woke up on an empty stomach.  I was always a brutal trainer so considering that, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm more capable of shoving food down my throat even though my appetite isn't great...my urge to gag is less haha.  

This experience has literally changed my life.  I'm going to write some musical compositions about it since I do write, compose, and sing.  I'm already in the process of compiling ideas.  Talk about inspiration...when you go through hell and back you have something to write about, that's for damn sure.  

[subpop200]

I'm sure paws applies to a lot of people...but if I feel good at this point...day 5 I feel mentally great despite lethargy, restless legs, and some nausea...shouldn't I be good to go later on after withdrawal is totally done?  I'm sharp as a tac so far...haven't had any lag in concentration at all either yet.  

[seahorse1963]

I didn't read all your posts but the ones I did sounds like your doing great.  Keep on keeping on :) it does get better!!!  Your past the hard part physicaly IMHO for what it's worth..Gods Best!

[madelina]

subpop-
getting rid of all sources in my case was pretty easy- i decided to cold turkey after to moving to a new state where the only person i knew was family. TThankfully they were supportive. And i do feel much better today. Not fantastic, but definitely feeling like i did the right thing! Thanks for being here, reading your posts made me feel much better about what i was going through. Mostly right now i'm just cold and my legs hurt, aches and pains. But, i FEEL BETTER!! So far the only exercise i'm capable of is small walks around the yard. How are you feeling now?

[subpop200]

Well, my mood is constantly stable which is real nice.  I'm capable of having pleasant conversations with anyone and it's only day 5 to my surprise.  But I know damn well it was all the supplements I took and my stubborn force feeding and drinking that I kept constantly doing.  I started exercising yesterday for 12 min...moderate intensity...today 20 min very intense which is probably why I'm coming out of this so fast.  I'm doing everything in my power to keep my mind occupied and my body moving every now and then.  So yea, I'm feeling great on day 5.  And this was a heavy habit.  Well well....that's why I'm pretty much against methadone becuase that just prolongs things.  Yea withdrawal is truly inhumane for the first 2-3 days but cmon...it's 2-3 freakin' days for God's sake.  If the person is in bad health then I understand but even then I think they should taper rather quickly off whatever they choose...just not methadone because the withdrawal lasts super long making the chance of relapse in my opinion very high.  But yea, I'm feeling pretty strong despite being lethargic right now.  My mind is where it needs to be and that's all that matters to me.  I'm still force feeding myself so clearly not all the physical symptoms are gone...some diarrhea, slight nausea, but no more chills, no more aches, we'll see later how the restless legs are because that pisses me off bad and that happened really bad at night.  OH and the getting rid of sources part, yea the getting rid of the H-dealer was surprisingly easy for me because I already felt guilty and depressed as hell for doing the heroin BUT flushing those ultrams down the toilet....that was hard as hell for me but I did it.  

So yea Madelina my friend, I'm extremely proud of you.  If you are still within the seven days of withdrawal and you feel pretty damn positive as it seems, you are almost out of the woods.  My suggestion to you to get out of this even faster is get some 5-htp and take that 3 times a day 2 pills with food, L-tyrosine only when you wake up on an empty stomach with copper 2mgs, B-6 200 mgs, and folic acid 1000mgs (you need the other stuff to activate the l-tyrosine), and get some super motivational music turn that **** up high and work out after you take your morning supplement more intense than before for 20 min (feel the pain if you have to, consider the pain a good thing because you WILL release more endorphins that way...besides if you could handle the worst part of withdrawals you can handle a painful work out trust me), finally considering that you did a pretty intense workout if you want to do that, you have to do the force feeding...eat real well high protein, moderate carbs, quality fats...4-6 times a day with tons of fluids because you need to recover from training and recovery is VERY important during withdrawal way more important than when you are clean and it's still very important when clean.  

Once again, congratulations.  You have no reason to turn back now if you only have aches.  That's nothing if you think about it.  

[subpop200]

Ahahahaha!!  Day 6 is here technically!  Still doing well, on my way to being super man again and going back into bodybuilding already which started on Day 5.  Just can't wait to get another work out in and eat myself silly so I can gain some muscle and get my body functioning properly again.  To everyone else, POSITIVITY POSITIVITY POSITIVITY and you will get through it.  No joke, it's all in your mind once you get past the worst...think happy thoughts, masturbate 3-4 times a day without hitting climax becuase that releases serotonin like crazy (don't climax because you will burn out and get super tired so do that before bed), 5-htp, L-tyrosine (w/ B6 200 mgs, Copper 2mgs, and Folic Acid 1000mgs), eat well, drink lots of fluids and you will feel great much sooner.  Talk about hurrying withdrawal along.  I already feel like I'm out of it except for the lack of appetite part and bad sleep but it's ok.  

Close your fists, get mad, and tell yourself that some f-in drug can not control you.  Yell if you have to and power through.  Mind over matter baby.  

[bmdad]

I just read all your posts and you have been extremely positive from the get go! That is exactly what you need as I feel a lot of it is mental. I've been through withdrawals around 5 times or so. The first time was after my back surgery. I've never used heroin but have took norco, oxyconin, and morphine. I've went cold turkey and have tapered. I once went cold turkey off of 25 10mg norcos that I was on for a year. The symptoms were exactly the same as you described. That go around I forced myself to exercise. That is one thing I stress to everyone that is going through this. I'm sure you've heard of "runners high". It's the natural high from exercise due to our body releasing endorphins. While going through withdrawals I'm sure our bodies don't release as much as they normally would but any little bit helps. I also made sure to drink protein shakes when I just didn't feel like eating. I really didn't have much of a problem eating but figured the more nutrients I could get in to my body the better. I also took the vitamins from the amino acid protocol and they seemed to help. What other vitamins did you add? I'm currently taking a couple pain pills a day due to some back issues and see a neurosurgeon December 4th. I'm hoping I can get to the root cause of my pain so I can get off the pills again for good. I'm thinking I'm going to have to get another surgery again since it feels like two vertebrates are rubbing together. I'll just have to wait and see on that.
I know you said you had a migraine on day 2....I'm thinking that's because our Chicago Bears lost this past Thursday night!!! I know I had a headache after that one!
I don't have much advice as it seems you are kicking the sh!t out of this addiction! You seem to be doing everything possible to get through this. As for the ultram, I really doubt it would have helped at all. When I was on oxy's I tried ultram to help with the withdrawals but it was so much weaker it didn't do a damn thing. That being said you were better off flushing it. No sense throwing more stuff in to your body if it is not going to do you any good.
I can relate with the relationship. My wife knew at times I was on my pain meds. There were a few times when she didn't as I felt guilt due to the fact that I was taking more than prescribed so I hid it from here. It might have helped a bit not having her around if you were going to keep it from her. I know our relationship suffered a little while I was on the opiates. We think we are acting just normal but we weren't. At first we become super talkative and feel like we can conquer the world. Eventually our tolerance builds up and we get lazy. We don't want to go out anymore, we somewhat push people away as we don't feel like talking to anyone, and we were not our old self.
Do you still talk to her at all? Maybe when you are through this give her a call and take her out on a nice date. Maybe explain that you took her for granted even if you didn't. More than likely she noticed some changes even if you think you were still the same person. This was just my experience and not saying it was yours but we really don't know how we acted while being doped up all the time. I felt like I was more talkative and treated my wife great. I've always spoiled her in the past and thought I still was. In fact I wasn't the same person I was from before and I didn't realize this. I know you said she has some depression and a few other things so maybe you can work at all this together if you and her are willing to try. I've been married almost ten years and we have a great marriage but we've had our ups and downs so I'd be happy to help all I can if possible.
Just keep going strong and keep that positive attitude. You are doing great! If you are still having the restless legs I've heard a over the counter med called Highlands Restless Legs work great. I've never used it but have read many that swear by it. You can get it at any major pharmacy or wal-mart. The rls will go away eventually if you have never had it before opiate use. I think it took me about 10 days or so.
You are so close to putting all of this behind you. After about a week I felt great and by 10 days I was 90% better. By 2 weeks I was pretty much 100%. I think most of that had to do with the exercise, eating healthy, and pushing the fluids. It really speeds things up. Keep doing what you are doing and before long this will be a distant memory!
Take care and if you need anything please let me know. Best of luck!
Brian

[subpop200]

I really hope that your surgery will take care of that pain you have because the worst thing in the world is being on opiates and getting a tolerance.  Like you said, you start getting lazy and distant from people.  I got very very distant from all my friends and I got lazy just not with my girl.  She had a problem for a reason you wouldn't even expect...she isn't the kind of girl that goes for too much affection and I'm a very loving person so she wanted "a break".  I won her back but it took me being a bit of a **** and telling her that if she doesn't appreciate me then good luck finding another guy that will do as much for her as I do just out of pure love and appreciation.  She realized I wasn't desperate even though to be honest with you, the first day of withdrawal I cried my *** off thinking of all the amazing times I had with her but that's withdrawal for you, it makes you cry if there is already a problem in your life.  But I didn't tell her that...no way.  I played my role well and she came right back and said she made a mistake and feels bad for taking me for granted and I just told her...you need to rethink what love means because I'm not a pushover.  So sometimes, the best intentions create the worst problems unfortunately.  

And yea that migraine jeez...and the dangerously high blood pressure, constant hyperventilation, anxiety through the roof, restless BODY lol which drove me insane, chills, aches, that was in fact the worst moment of my life...I literally prayed like I never prayed before, cried like I never cried before and i'm a strong guy before using, I haven't cried since I was a kid so yea you know very well since you went through withdrawal...inhumane is the only way to describe the peak of withdrawal if you don't have the supplements.  But that was before I knew of the supplements to use, I could've saved myself the pain but I honest to God believe that was well deserved on my part for all the lying and using and guilt I had.  I needed to feel like I was going to die to learn my lesson and never use again.  It gave me a new way of thinking, quite simple really:  If someone can go through that kind of pain, the kind of thing that should've sent me to the hospital as my doctor said, then I could get through absolutely anything in the future.  Nothing can stop me now since nothing will ever compare to that hell I went through.  Flu..I love how people compare it to the flu...flu doesn't make you feel like dieing and being in pure torture.  

And thank God, my old self is back.  The exercise, nutrients, masturbation not to climax 3-4 times a day to get serotonin (and yes this works great), 5-htp, l-tyrosine (w/ centrum since it has copper and folic acid, and b-6 200 mgs to activate the l-tyrosine on an empty stomache in the morning an hour before I eat), force feeding myself, listening to music that even gave me chills during this time, having conversations with friends on the phone, with my girlfriend, with the counselor that helped me through this, all with plenty of laughs and positivity got me out very fast.  It's a combination of chores that everyone MUST do to push things forward and most important of all positive thinking constantly so you can get your brain chemicals back to where they need to be.  People ramble about PAWs...telling me I'll have PAWS blah blah blah **** it...I can understand if someone was a hardcore junky for years but 10-11 months of relatively heavy use, no reason for paws if you do the exercises and supplements and positive thinking so I know I'm going to go above and beyond this and keep moving forward.  I'm actually happy.  It's incredible.  It did take away a lot of what I used to be...I gained some weight and ballooned to 184 with what seems to be 18% bodyfat when I was 182 lbs before use at 9% bodyfat.  BIG DIFFERENCE.  But I know myself and I lose weight fast because I was a personal trainer and I'm very well backed up on knowledge.  So yea I turned into somewhat of a fat ***...and to think I was deadlifting 425, benching nearly 300, shoulder pressing 90 lb dumbbells for reps, rowing 225 barbell rows for 8 reps...etc.  How opiates can change a person is ridiculous.  I went to the gym 2 weeks ago...struggled wtih 225 on deadlift for 3 reps, benched like 155 for like 4 reps, you get the idea.  I lost a lot of muscle and gained a lot of fat.  So I'm determined to get to where I was before no matter what.  

And thanks brother, I'm going to try that restless leg medicine you mentioned asap.  I need to get some sleep because I'm getting 1-3 hours on average per day but to my surprise I'm not feeling that bad at all.  But I still need some sleep.  And you're right haha, I am kicking the **** out of this withdrawal.  Anyone and I mean anyone that tries to withdraw cold turkey like I did has to force themselves into the mindset of not "i'm going to TRY to get through this" but rather flush all their **** down the toilet, kill all connections to dope and say "**** this, i'm going to murder my addiction the way it's murdering my life".  The right attitude is crucial to success, this is why I force myself to work out since day 4 to prove to myself that if I can take the pain I already took, I can take some more pain and be proud of myself for it.  That's the problem some people have, they feel guilty and beat themselves up during withdrawal, big no no.  

Anyway, thanks again Brian.  I'll keep posting and I wish you nothing but God speed and the best of luck.  Once you get to the root of that problem, knock the addiction dead.  Ask your doctor if maybe just stopping the drugs and waiting a while despite the pain but doing therapy like light exercises for the back can help.  I don't know exactly what your problem is but maybe there is a natural way to help deal with the pain.  I hope.  Thanks brother.  

[subpop200]

Shoot I'm sorry, I meant dependence on your part.  I was the addict here haha.  =)

[subpop200]

Once again, this is a bit unorthodox but let's be blunt, everyone masturbates.  Now let me tell you why it is one of the most effective tools besides the supplements for withdrawal.  If you can really hold out and do it without climaxing for 1-3 hours in a row, during the process you are releasing serotonin there is no doubt about that...imagine releasing serotonin for THAT long.  The only way you will stop is if you climax that you will burn out the serotonin and you will release some dopamine which will help you sleep so if you want PURE ENERGY during the day, this is one of several ways.  In my case, it's the most noticeable boost of energy because thanks to my girlfriend and some techniques, I can last a ridiculous amount of time.  Now this applies to girls too.  This is also from an official detox hotline and this was one of the many things I got advice for and I'm on day 6 and I feel great.  My restless legs are pretty much gone which is a God given.  That was one of the top 3 most annoying symptoms of my withdrawal.  Anyway besides what I just said incase anyone else needs some help here is a list of things you should do every single day if you are withdrawing cold turkey.

5-htp with meals, 2 pills 3 times daily

L-tyrosine 2000-2500 mgs with copper 2mg, folic acid 1000mgs, b-6 200 mgs (must have all these or else L-tyrosine is inactive)...all this only on an empty stomach in the morning and then wait an hour to eat otherwise you will have an upset stomach but this WILL give you a super nice boost of energy

Exercise after you take the l-tyrosine even if you can get 10 min if it's very early in withdrawing just force yourself, you WILL feel better releasing endorphins trust me on this.  

Lots of positive music, talk to friends get some laughs, watch comedy on tv, read something uplifting, positive thinking is extremely essential.  All of these things are extremely important if you want to get out of withdrawal fast and return to normal super fast.  

Also if you want to keep taking the 5-htp for a few months, by all means do so, it will help you get through the lethargy you may get within the first month after withdrawal.  But you will feel much better when withdrawal is done.  After all these exercises if done consistantly your mood will be great.  I mean I've been on heavy stuff pretty much almost every day for 10-11 months and I feel like I did before I used.  I even feel a little high just from doing all the good stuff that I was recommended.  It's a life saver.

And one of the most important tips:  FORCE FEED YOURSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.  Nutrient dense foods, lots of water, apple juice, quality liquids.  Avoid caffeinated drinks!  You can't do the exercise without eating well.  You need something to help you recover so focus on good nutrient dense foods like I said that are high in protein, moderate in carbs, and low to moderate in healthy fats.  When I say carbs and protein I also mean clean sources, healthy carbs like boiled sweet potatoes and protein like boiled chicken breast.  Eating is essential to get your body to get to normal again.  

Ok enough said, I'm still not sleeping but I still feel great.  Odd isn't it.  My restless legs seem to be gone but when I lay down maybe I'll notice it...but it was noticeable the days before even when I sat down or walked around so I know I should be ok and it will get better.  My anxiety is non-existent, my appetite is finally coming around (I can eat without feeling like gagging and I'm on day 6 so that's pretty awesome), I'll probably be able to sleep way better without the restless legs so I'm looking forward to that, no aches whatsoever anywhere on my body, blood pressure seemed to go right back down since my breathing is very calm, my mood is high most of the time, and I have energy to do exercise and obviously write all this **** up hahaha.  Clearly my brain is functioning just fine.  PAWS SCHMAWS....all that **** about your brain not functioning right...if it's functioning this good now and technically I'm still in "withdrawal according to the time frame" my mood and mental capabilities will be just fine later on.  PAWS is a government scheme to scare people into taking methadone!!!  At least that's my opinion because most people should be able to recover their brains after withdrawal if they keep doing those mental and physical exercises I described above.  PAWS probably exists because people were misinformed and went through withdrawal with a negative mindset and were probably depressed to begin with and didn't know the first thing to make their brain work right.  

The brain is like a muscle.  You work it out, you WILL make it strong.  If you don't use it much and think negatively it will give you bad feedback plain and simple.  That's probably what PAWS is.  Cause now I feel great and it's because I'm constantly keeping my mind stimulated, reading, talking, composing music, exercise, etc. etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, I'm done rambling.  I just hope some people read this because it's going to help you tremendously.  So many things I learned in the last few days through this amazing hotline for people withdrawing that I feel like a new person with great hope and incredible power to rebuild what I was before.  I'm pretty sure it won't take me more than 2 months to get back to where I was and I'm totally looking forward to doing the work because I'm just one to take pride in building, in working, in moving forward as I am now.  Withdrawal ***** but it doesn't last long people and you can definitely make it move forward quickly if you do everything right.  

Best of luck to everyone.  I love you all for giving me support.  This quite literally changed my life with the support of all of you, the incredible counseling hotline, God, and sheer angry willpower.  

Day 7 not far from here.  =)

[subpop200]

One more thing:  1-941-776-7082   That's the number to the hotline.  There are some qualifying factors, you must be relatively healthy to get accepted to the free program of counseling.  If you have heart conditions for example they may turn you down and suggest that you detox at a hospital or something.  But for most people that are relatively healthy, this number is a God send.  It'll uplift you and you will get great advice.  

[stilltrying1965]

Listen if your girl did not love she would be gone.A know your girl does not know about your HEROIN addiction going cold turey is hard bu its like a bad flu so you just tell her you got the flu if you dont want to tell the truth. but youcan do it and if you love her it will make you more determimd to stop taking this evvil drug .As when she her claws into you she wont let you go easily .A know this from our cold turkey 163 days clean me and my wife the hardest thing i have ever donewe wer useing 7grms a day between two or the least was 3grms a day witch are large amounts.but with strenght determination and willpower it can be done.As i saidyou can do it my freind think about all the things that you want back in our lives that was what we did and a know you will think a cant do this but you can and will if you want it bad enough fell free t get intouch anytime a will support you any way i can James & kim good luck my freind

[subpop200]

You are wonderful for the warm words you offer.  I'm feeling pretty damn good right now and I'm on day 6 so the willpower part is not even needed anymore which is great.  Now it's just a matter of going to meetings to prevent relapse.  And yes, one of the biggest reasons I stopped is because I love her more than she'll ever know.  She is one of my greatest inspirations.  =)  

[stilltrying1965]

Ah did not know you were  on day 6 congrats real good news you are nearing the end of the physical side.You may after that feel deppressed and guilty and have some weird dreams.Recovery i work on mines everyday  still crave ge those drug dreams but am s proud of you for gettng to day 6 great wor but really hard you just keep that girlfreind on your mnd and when you crave HEROIN think of her and the love you have for her thats what i do and im 163 days clean good job and keep it up congrats

[subpop200]

I'm already ending day 6 my friend.  And yes, I will always keep her in mind.  I think this in my case...the horrible pain I went through on Saturday morning was a spiritual reawakening for me to change my life.  I never felt more positive and more vibrant even though I'm on withdrawal...how crazy is that.  I had one of the best days today than I had in a long time.  I composed a new song, I invited a friend over that was there to support me and we had some great laughs, I called my addiction counselor and we also had an awesome conversation about the evils of the government and pink floyd haha, so all in all, my positivity is holding up very well and I feel like a million bucks...except when I wake up from sleep, that's always a struggle to get my brain chemicals moving and my energy flowing but once I start the process of supplements and exercise immediately as I wake up...I'M SET for the rest of the day.  Very productive day today.  Seemingly nothing can stop me now because I made a promise to God and to my girl.  I have too much love in my life to just give up on it all and it's pushing me through very fast.  

I worked out very intensely today for 30 min instead of twenty so I'm moving right along as I said.  Took my protein shakes, supplements, ate well, got my neurotransmitters firing in full blast.  Great day overall.  I actually feel happier than when I was high on opiates, irony.  

[worried878]

mornings were my worst..and for many...depression is so "there" when u r laying in the bed...with nuttin to do but think...and we tend to dwell at these times..dwell on things than only make us sad..looking back and reflecting to learn from our wrong doings is constructive for me..to dwell there//stay and linger..is not usually necessary and can be a form of self inflicted torture

I always found 10-15 minutes outta the bed..i was ok..my doomers lifted..often just focusing on a morning routine, brushing teeth, coffee, reading the paper, rushing outta the door for work..whatever is enuf to make the brain think bout action vs dwelling in its misery,,this is a sign of depression that all depressed people may experience..morning doomers//not just addicts...but it is nice to know our brain will recover to the point we dont feel like this every morning..it goes away...and knowing that...i could handle it

good luck

[subpop200]

lol doomer...I like that you used that word but I  think in my case it's just natural because even before using I was horribly insanely cranky when I awoke.  My parents knew not to talk to me haha.  I was angry and miserable in the morning...usually took me about an hour to get to myself even outside of withdrawal but as soon as I realize that I feel like **** in the morning, I literally got up and ran out of bed this morning hahaha.  I was like F this, supplement time then I forced myself to work out on an empty stomach and I was immediately lifted and even euphoric.  It's always a matter of feeding the brain the right input usually being a combination of physical activity, mood boosting and natural brain chemical enhancers like l-tyrosine, and constant positive thought.  So I'm still good and day 7 is less than 20 min away!!!  I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my follow up.  He's going to be surprised when he sees that I not just recovered fully but I even lost weight and look way better and feel like a million bucks.  So dwelling on misery is not an option anymore and I know I smiled and laughed many times in a day since day 4.  The idea of my crying at the worst of the withdrawal is a joke to me now but still a very important turning point in my life...even the idea that the doctor said he couldn't believe I didn't go to the ER considering the symptoms on day 2 into early morning day 3 seems ridiculous to me now.  It seems so far away already and I'm just looking forward to bodybuilding again since that's one of my many passions besides reading and composing music.  I wrote a song based on this whole experience so I'm really happy about that, it was a great way to keep my mind occupied and so is this forum.  The people here supporting me are incredible, esp. you.  I couldn't ask for anything better.  I'm happy and thank you very much for your support.  I'll keep posting way into recovery, I'll even post pictures of how good I'm going to look in a month because now that I'm off the drugs, I'm back on my normal routine of what I did for 5 years and that's building up a muscular and efficient body.  Thanks again my friend.  =)

[subpop200]

Day 7 is here, just feeling lethargic and bored right now.  My mood is stable and like I said, it should be interesting to see the doctor's surprise as how healthy I look already with the lost weight on top of that.  So yea I'm feeling good just having trouble sleeping, still low appetite (but it could be because of the nasty healthy food I'm eating haha...I could chug down a nice double quarter pounder right now very easily mmmmm) but much easier to eat every day, no aches, chills are long gone, and my legs are mildly restless so hopefully that goes away soon so I can sleep a good solid 8 hours.  Considering all the exercises I did and what I read from people that had withdrawal and managed to get to week two...I feel no different than someone that would be on week 2.  That's just how much the supplements, exercise, positivity, etc all help to push you along at lightning speed and repair your brain.  God speed to everyone.  I'm going to post here for a long time.  

[worried878]

try and stay busy...r u working?  anyway idle time for me was not always best...but we r all different...congrats on 7 days! that is great!

[stilltrying1965]

You sound really buoyant and happ thats just great my freind. But keep that promise to your girl and god as when we first started feb this year i relapsed after two monts clean so keep your guard up bud at all times .Me and my wife help eacg other now but those rls were not so bad wit5h ne but my wif still gets them. So everyone is diffrent kep up that great work and a can hear in your words you WILL MAKE IT .but you are doing all the right things but like you my wife was a big part of me wanting to get clean as if i did not try Kim would not have tried but so hard to watch the woman in your life suffer.But its all good now 163 and keep moving forward good luck my freind James

[Lovemyhorse]

Thanks for sharing you're story. I am on my 16 th hour. I read just about your whole thread. It's helping me to stay resolved so far. I've not gone this long in over a decade. Maybe 15 yrs or more.
Thanx again and hope you continue to do so great. :)

[subpop200]

Force feed buddy, lots of water, 5-htp later on in the day with food, ltyrosine (always with b6 200 mgs, copper2mgs, folid acid 1000 mgs), and lots of positive thinking...try masturbation, it eases pain ridiculously and releases serotonin just don't climax until night or it will drain you.  

You are not out of the woods yet, you will probably suffer buddy but it doesn't last that long to be honest, you will get out of it, once you reach day 4...soon as you wake up and take that tyrosine with the other stuff (which you should only take on an empty stomache one hour before you eat as you wake or you will have stomach issues), work out for 10-15 min and increase the time every morning...you will feel great after you work out for a while and then get on the 5-htp 3 times a day later on with food.  You can do this...like I said before, KILL ALL POSSIBILITIES OF GETTING OPIATES or you WILL be in trouble.  

Best of luck my friend.  I'll keep posting to let ya'll know how I'm doing I just want to address some people first before I reupdate.  =)

[subpop200]

I'm not "working" at my job yet since I took some time off BUT I am working in another sense.  Doing my morning exercise, eating every 2 hours, I compose music so I was working on that in the last 3 days for at least 20 hours total overall and of course lots of reading, talking to my counselor every day, talking to friends every day, keeping my mind active and stimulated...doing mental exercises now too to challenge my brain and create new neuropathways.  So I'm definitely keeping busy.  

Since you asked how I'm doing =)  I will update now:  

Today is the best day thus far.  I woke up WITHOUT feeling like doom and I know why now because I woke up to the light in the morning and I got the best sleep despite taking one benzo and clonidine before sleep.  I ran out of benzo and I have two clonidine left, at least for now it's helping me sleep which is great.  I'll run out soon so I'm going to have to do it with melotonin all natural.  Anyway, my workout is just finished and I was perfectly capable of completing 40 min of it, light jogging and squats to the point of cringing pain to get those endorphins going.  So I'm feeling real damn good now and ready to tackle my day.  Getting better and better.  I feel like I was before using except better because even before using I wasn't pulling off this wake up on an empty stomach and work out routine, it was such a pain in the *** now I have no problem doing it.  It's crazy.  I really got some strength out of this.  So I'm doing beyond fine and my mood is awesome as usual.  =D

[subpop200]

Hey buddy, I agree doing it for my girl is a big factor even though she has no idea I ever got on them or went through withdrawal but I keep her in my mind regardless.  I'm tired of lieing to her plain and simple.  And yea that relapse thing, that's why I'm going to keep in touch with my counselor every day, eventually just a couple times a week because it's a long distance call haha but I have a friend now that knows about my problem and he's coming once a week to check up on me and search my house.  No joke!  So now I'm even more prepared just when I thought I couldn't prepare enough I came up with this idea to REALLY prevent me from doing anything stupid.  I know my mind set now is disgust at even looking at a vicodin or a poppy pod or a heroin bag that I used to love so much...it's odd because I haven't gotten a single craving yet but I'm assuming that comes later.  I just can't stand thinking about them considering what they did to me...they changed me, I got fatter, lazier, lost interest in so many things towards the end, became way too passive for my taste even the last few days my friend that knows about this took notice of my energy and mood and he's like HOLY **** you are giddy and sharp and very different.  I'm like yea boy!  I'm superman now!  haha.  So I'm pulling through quite well. =)

Thank you once again, you are always wonderful support as is everyone else here.  

[subpop200]

Oh damnit, I got a fear that might develop an actual flu now...if I do everyone is going to suspect it!!  I damn well better not or i'll be pissed, my throat is feeling unusually scratchy and I keep blowing my nose and all these symptoms just started hitting me like literally 20 min after working out.  Could it be cause I worked out in a cold basement?  I hope it's just a little bit of symptoms because my basement is like 60 degrees.  We'll see, I think I should just get my flu shots today since I'm going to doc for follow up.  

[bmdad]

I know many have said they ended up getting the actual flu once getting off the opiates. I'm not sure the cause of this but have read it from numerous people on this forum in the past. It has happened to me also. It seemed like while I was on the pain meds I never got sick though. Maybe while going through withdrawals our immune system is vulnerable due to the shock of what our body is going through? I'm not sure but does make me wonder. Maybe something you could ask your doctor about today.
I'm glad you are doing so great and are so motivated in your recovery. Motivation to me is the number one key to success. If you prepare yourself mentally and know failing is not a option your chance at sobriety is so much higher. I also agree when you mentioned about exercise on a empty stomach. When I was in the Marine Corps we were up at 4:30 for our daily exercise. We would usually go on a 5 mile run or so along with basic exercises such as push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, etc. After that we would take a shower and then go get chow. By then it was about 7:00 and we started our day. I remember always having so much energy then. If anyone can get their day started like this I can almost guarantee it will make a world of difference! It is at least worth a try.
Just keep going strong and never look back. You are doing great and should be very proud of yourself. You are doing exactly what it takes to rid yourself of this evil enemy known as addiction. If you need anything, please let me know! Best of luck!
Brian

[subpop200]

You got that right.  I'm not a military man like you but I tapped into that borderline animalistic mindset when the going got tough and sometimes even literally pounded on my desk as hard as I could and told myself that nothing will ever stop me from now on.  You said it "failure is not an option".  That is the key in my case, failure really isn't an option esp. with the mindset I have now which to my surprise is better than before I was a user believe it or not.  Waking up to a workout is grueling but once the blood gets flowing you feel incredible....it does exactly that...makes a huge difference for me and soon as I'm done I'm usually smiling.  I guess my best intentions played against me since now yes I have a cold.  Maybe HIT training with super slow repetitions and constant contractions til failure wasn't the best idea haha but for me I need the pain, it's all or nothing and it got me out of the withdrawal fast.  I can't take any chances whatsoever though so I got myself some tamiflu...the doctor said your immune system does get weak from the withdrawal so you're right that's what happened and that's why I got the tamiflu so I can go back to work tomorrow without people wondering why I'm getting sick all over again.  I can't take any chances and my stubborness got me running around all day waiting with two doctors becuase the first refused to give me tamiflu and the second was like...how could the other doctor not?  She understood perfectly my reasoning behind this...she knows damn well I'm beyond anxious and motivated to get back to my life lightning fast which is why my daily routine hasn't suffered at all.  I feel awesome waking up in the morning as opposed to late afternoon before and not working out.  It makes a huge difference.  Getting up early and training is the same feeling as taking an opiate when you are a healthy clean human being.   Ok not exactly the same but if you had super high tolerance to opiates it actually is cause you don't feel the opiates much but you feel just good enough to say you have energy and feel like your mood is decent.  

Anyway, speaking of recovery, today was a particularly rough day because I quickly started to develop flu symptoms and it got me feeling lethargic and running around all day was super hard with a flu and ending withdrawal.  But it didn't affect my positivity at all.  It was just a pain in the ***, nothing I couldn't handle esp. after I went through the worst of withdrawals....everything else pales in comparison to the worst of withdrawals so it wasn't all that bad.  I got a B-12 injection, tamiflu, amoxicillon since I also developed sinus which is bacterial, and I'm still always on my supplements.  And!  I decided to reward myself today for actually gaining muscle during withdrawal and losing fat!!!  I got myself a big *** quarter pounder mmmmmmmmm, so good since my appetite is back and now I'm back on healthy stuff since my body needs it more than ever.  My doctor couldn't believe what he saw which made me feel even better, he's like you are still 184 lbs but your stomach got smaller and your chest and arms blew up.  I was just like...oh sweet I made great fitness progress during withdrawal.  So now that I know I can do that...I'm still beyond good to go.  It kind of worked against me but it was still nice to see that I made a pretty big difference during a difficult time.  I have a military veteran father so maybe that's why I am the way I am even though I never became a soldier.  I just tapped into that strength he gave me.  I consider myself lucky because not everyone has that artillery at their disposal to get through withdrawal esp. off heroin.  But regardless it's doable for almost anyone so long as they follow their daily protocol no matter how difficult it is to follow.  It's all doable.  

Thanks a lot Brian, every post someone gives me gives me strength and I'm more than grateful for all that.  =)

[subpop200]

Technically on day 8!!!  Hell yea!!!  But I got a cold...so I didn't take any chances like I said and I got some tamiflu and amoxcicillan so I can go back to work and not have to explain why I'm sick again.  Wouldn't make sense.  So I'm pretty safe and happy and going to keep moving forward.  I even got another script for more benzos anti anxiety meds and I threw it in the garbage, ye.  

[subpop200]

So I said I composed a song.  I'm a singer songwriter so this song was influenced by what I went through here it is if ya'll are curious.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JsLuYcDgI0

The lyrics are on the side.  Just click the info on the right.  =)

[subpop200]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_-NDjcZSxQ  

Whoops, that's the right link my mistake.  =)

[subpop200]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXS55-31LYc  

Sorry again, I keep finding mixing errors so I have to keep uploading.  I think it's right and then I keep finding something extra.  This is it.  Here is the composition all done!  

[ginsa]

In an earlier post you said of your girlfriend:

"she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom)."

This sounds like classic codependent reaction. She may not know about your drug use, but you may be surprised to learn ( especially with some clean time under your belt ), just how much your use affected your behavior. I can almost guarantee that she sees it, and not knowing what the problem is can be very difficult for her. That manifests it'self with anger, depression, and emotional numbing,

BTW... you are doing great! Hats off to you for seeking out support here and on that hotline. I wish I had known about that when I was going thru withdrawl (withdrawal). I'm near Chicago myself.

[subpop200]

She actually told me she had these problems all her life.  She never had a father, was raised only with a mother and lived with a grandmother for three years that quite literally made her every day life miserable and insulted her constantly.  She would give her strict curfews, wake her up at 2 am to clean up and call her a *****, say things like "you are just a little ***** and you have the devil inside you" etc etc.  

My sweetheart told me a few times that three years of this every single day traumatized her and changed her.  She fears that she is turning slowly into her grandmother since she was with her for so long.  That's why even though I was a user, I was so supportive on everything and as loving as I could possibly be.  I was still aggressive and confident and not acting desperate BUT apparantley even for someone that wasn't shown much love in their life, showing too much love (not even too much but telling her I love her every day) is too much for her.  She said she doesn't want to hear it all the time because she either feels numb and doesn't want to say it unless she means it or she feels this sense of impending doom because relationships in modern society mostly suck when we're young and she also said if I say it too much it loses meaning.  Stuff like that.  

But you are right, my energy levels changed on opiates.  I was still loving and aggressive but she couldn't stand the fact that I burned out fast sometimes in terms of just hanging out.  I would come over and lay down for 15 min and she's like I KNOW YOU ARE TIRED ALL THE TIME EVEN THOUGH WE DO STUFF ALL THE TIME I CAN JUST SEE IT.  But whatever, things need to be resolved.  I'm not as affectionate either, she doesn't deserve that now.  If she doesn't want the love that she never had and probably won't have that's her problem, I still love her but I don't let people push me over.  My self esteem is too good for that and she is slowly beginning to realize that, she's slowly coming around to my surprise.  Yesterday she put on her facebook profile that me, her best friend, and her mother mean more to her than anything in the world and that she's trying her best to work on her intimacy problems with people.  She has trouble telling people she cares, telling her mother she loves her, telling her friend that too...and it surprises me because her mother is so loving but it could've been that too...the same affect, mother shows too much love, daughter becomes alienated, no father, grandmother tortures her for 3 years boom you got intimacy problems.  I guess I can't blame her.  She isn't your average girl.  She is special, adorable, definitely has her issues, but she's so smart (2nd to valedictorian in high school), super determined even though she whines about how difficult her life is she does everything she must do in life....I see greatness in her but she has self esteem problems.  In time, I hope I can make a difference in her because I never felt stronger.  

Thanks for the comment ginsa.  And congratulations for making it through withdrawal regardless!  If it makes you feel any better, I went through the worst of it by myself without the hotline.  Consider yourself lucky, when you feel THAT kind of pain it teaches you a valueable lesson, it scares you away and humbles you into remembering what the opiates can do to you.  I think most people have it too easy imho.  They need to feel the suffering, the hell, the feeling of wanting to die, to get in touch with a spiritual entity for a strength that will eventually come and make you stronger if you have the right mind set.  

Thanks ginsa.  =)  

[ginsa]

Your girlfriend sounds like a wonderful person. Her upbringing reminds me of my own, and that makes her particularly vulnerable to codependency. I am reading a great book on this titled, "Love Is A Choice". I am recommending that anyone with addiction issues or who loves someone with them read it. It's spot on.

Your posts are great. You seem really articulate and bright. I see great things for you! Keep up the good work.

[subpop200]

Thank you so much!  I really need to read that book seriously.  My girlfriend is like no other woman I ever met since she went through hell and back coming to the U.S. as well and living for months in a cold basement as an immigrant with no heat coming from Ukraine.  So yea, she's complicated but maybe that's why I love her, she's hard to get, the challenge.  I'm determined and if I have to be aggressive and less loving to do it, then so be it because i have self love and if she doesn't see that eventually, that's her issue.  Anyway speaking of good work you should check out my song.  I would appreciate an opinion.  I wrote this about my withdrawal during my withdrawal to keep occupied =)  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXS55-31LYc  

There are lyrics on the right side.  

[subpop200]

Ok so it's still day 8.  I feel crappy but only because I take one clonidine at night for bed which probably makes me lethargic the next day, tamiflu which causes drowsiness, and I have a flu...so lol a flu after withdrawal, it's like a flu after the flu.  But I still managed my usual supplement regimen, workout by jogging in place just for 15 min (didn't break a sweat because now that I'm sick I need rest), and still in a positive mind set as usual.  Just so very lethargic.  It's crazy because on day 5-6 my energy was through the roof and yesterday before the flu really kicked in my appetite kicked back in for the first time during withdrawal!!!  Now it's gone =(  stupid tamiflu, antibios, and flu is doing that but whatever it's no where near as bad as withdrawal.  So I'm good to go.  =D

[subpop200]

Day 9 is officially here!  I just have a few cold symptoms since i developed a cold so just got a headache and sinus, stuffy nose nothing too bad.  Restless legs are getting milder every day.  Still difficult to sleep, I only have a little klonopin left so when I'm done with that hopefully I can sleep naturally again.  Otherwise, I'm still going strong, I'm still happy, I just hung out with my friends and they were surprised at how vibrant I was.  I was so energy less earlier today now I have more energy but that could just be cause I took the tamiflu a long time ago and it might be wearing off.  I'm pretty damn sure the lethargy is from that.  

Anyway, no problems here, not even a craving.  I just feel great mentally.  I'm in a good place in my head and even my complexion is starting to look healthier than before despite having a little cold.  It's great that I'm improving fast.  I'm glad I stopped myself at 10-11 months...I feel for those that have been addicted for years, or even years on stuff like fentanyl.  Jeez.  But even they can get out of it, anyone can with the right mindset.  You are what you believe you are, you want to be healthy and you believe you will be, you can be.  =)

[subpop200]

Excusie...I meant clonidine.  

[subpop200]

My brain is firing!  I feel better than when I was high.  I don't think I ever felt so positive in my life.  The routine really worked...I thank God, my girl, and...David Bowie for getting me through this haha.  Seriously, listening to music really got my mood up, I got chillsssss and not the bad ones!!  

[subpop200]

Damnit...the first thing to truly going wrong during recovery....I just have to wait out these symptoms.  I'm taking tamiflu and it has a possibility to cause these side effects:

nausea, vomiting, insomnia, anxiety, hallucinations, confusion, delirium, headaches, etc.  

They should've added restless BODY and very severe restless body problems.  When I say severe I mean worse than when I was "kicking the habit" and at the peak of my withdrawals.  It got so bad, right now I'm moving both legs so fast and it's hardly making me feel any better because it's like my lower back is also restless and I can't really move that like I move my legs.  Horribly annoying.   Just another challenge.  Jeez, and to think mentally and physically besides the sudden insane restlessness I'm so horribly tired, more than I have been throughout withdrawal.  I'd be sleeping like a baby were it not for this louzy tamiflu.  It's good for flu very bad for certain people in terms of side effects.  

I'm still going strong, I'm just moving around rocking back and forth right now like a crazy person lol.  I really have to wait this out, it'll take a bit of time.  Feels like I'm withdrawing again just without the severe mental issues.  oh well.  Things seemed a little too easy up til this point, had to expect some problems.  Here we go!!  =(

[subpop200]

Got about 2 hours of sleep...worst sleep day so far just because I have the worst restless body I ever had and a really deep headache, I know it's the tamiflu.  There is no other explanation since the symptoms hit me hard not that much time into taking my last dose.  Gonna beat the living **** out of this like I beat the living **** out of the first three days, I almost feel like I'm in withdrawal again since now my head is killing me on top of the horrible restlessness but I'm going to do my morning exercise anyway....HA.  Take that life.  

[subpop200]

Oh and this is actually interesting but the small amount of sleep I did get, I had a horrible nightmare and I never get nightmares.  That's a side effect, it's happened because of it.  I was in my basement as I am now and walking towards the back door, the second half of the basement is split with a door, i walked through the first door to reach the second door in which that room was totally dark with the only light coming from the first room behind me...then on my way out to see my girlfriend for an emergency with that being on my mind, from a side wall comes out an 8 foot character with no fact so I fell to the ground and looked up at "it" in intense fear breathing heavily...woke up right after that still breathing heavily.  haha, talk about a crazy nightmare.  That was intense!!  I actually thought it was kinda cool even thought it scared the **** out of me.  

[subpop200]

So day 9 has taken a turn for difficulty.  The sleeping problems, the worst restless legs I ever had spreading to my upper body and back, sweating in bed, that nightmare that just floored me in fear, and a horrible headache.  Felt like withdrawal all over again.  

I swear to you when I say, I have a feeling God is testing me.  Maybe it's confusion because that's another side effect of the flu medicine I'm taking BUT....I told my mother my dream and she suggested it was God that was that faceless creature looking down at me trying to humble me or something.  

Whether it's divine and some kind of test or just simply another problem, one thing hasn't changed, even if God is testing me, I still have faith in God.  I still have that strength I was given by God that painful morning of 3 day.  Not quite the hell I had that day yesterday but sure as hell drove me nuts and then that dream.  I don't believe everything is a coincidence, I believe there is some kind of energy in the universe, selective towards who survives and spiritually connected to the fibers of our time-space replicas of ourselves.  In other words, spiritually connected to our energy to test us, to see if our blood line will move forward and evolve so millions of years from now we will be using more than just 10% of our brain.  We might even be able to make things move with our mind. =)  

Anyway, still horribly restless since the medicine has a half life of 12 hours I think so once it wears off I'm good and I'm not taking it anymore.  Screw it.

[Axl_0113]

Hmmmm....You mentioned restless leg.  I have lived with it for years.  Never, ever had it when I was using pain pills, and then of course, when I quit using, it came back with a vengence.  You may be like me though....in that, the OTC cold meds and flu meds make my RLS 1000 times WORSE!  I am guessing it's the alcohol becuase I tried one night to have a beer, and the RLS was sooo bad that night.  

Might be something to think about...

[subpop200]

Yea brother, it is a horrible feeling but the thing is I know well to avoid over the counter flu medication and alcohol.  I remember how bad that made my restless legs last time I withdrew.  This being my second and final time.  I got tamiflu which is the drug that they are prescribing to people for swine flu.  You know...the one that is running out because there is not enough in supply.  It's an anti-viral and apparantley that makes restless legs horrible too.  There is no alcohol and definitely not your typical over the counter cold medicine since it's an anti-viral.  Anyway, it's wearing off and I seem to be feeling better.  That **** is NOT good during or even after withdrawal when your sleep is still bad, it causes some serious symptoms that makes you feel like you are withdrawing again just not like the worst of it but still pretty damn annoying.  Maybe it's just me but even healthy people, there are cases of confusion, delirium, headaches, drastic mood changes, insomnia, nightmares if one does get to sleep, etc. etc.  Lots of bad side effects.  

Well I'm fine now.  And I'm still recovering from a little flu.  My nose is still a little runny so I'm staying home a little longer to get some rest otherwise it WILL get much worse esp. when my immune system is compromised from withdrawal.  I'm just happy I got through the worst and I'm feeling positive every day.  =)

Except yesterday night till morning, I was pissed....didn't crave opiates just was in pain.  

[subpop200]

Still day 9, I feel much better now that the tamiflu wore off.  I don't think i need it.  If I'm a little sick I'll let it run it's course.  I was so messed up from it but now I feel back to my normal self but I'm just sneezing every couple hours and my nose is a little stuffed.  That's pretty much the only symptoms I have now so it's clearly improving.  No problems, just lots of eating, lots of fluids still to recover my immune system and light exercise in the morning now that I'm sick.  I totally just cut myself by accident and it hurt like a ***** but then suddenly EUPHORIA.  Clearly my body is starting to release endorphins properly.  My friend was over when that happened, I had blood dripping down my finger and I started laughing like a maniac haha.  Yea sounds crazy but this is a great sign that my body is starting to produce the chemicals I need in good amounts.  Today is a good day and tomorrow I go back to my life finally.  Life is good.  I see the world differently now it's very inspiring for me...it's like my brain has been turned on after being shut off and put on automatic mode for so long.  

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Technically day 10!  Tomorrow is the first day I'm going out all day to hang out with my girlfriend and we'll see how my energy holds up because I'm going to have to be very energetic around her.  She is a high energy person, I was a high energy person most of our relationship except towards the end and things were changing so clearly I must pull this off without letting her think there is a problem.  It's ok though because I already know what's going to happen, I'm going to go out and have a damn good time and my energy levels won't bother me.  I don't care if they are low, I'll wing it.  I feel fine today.  My throat is a little scratchy again for some strange reason but hopefully that will go away soon so I can get my flu shots immediately before I get sick and then everyone wonders why I'm sick again and my whole cover is blown.  I doubt I will because I'm determined to make it through this and if I tell myself I won't get sick I don't think I will.  I just need some rest and my legs aren't bothering me that bad right now for the first time in a long time.  I think I'll be able to get some good sleep for once.  Let's see how this works out for me.  =)

My positivity is still there and always will be there.  Like I said, in my case PAWS is just bull.  If I'm already positive on day 4 of withdrawal and super positive on day 5-6 and on I'm pretty sure I'm going to be alright.  I was never prone to depression though so this PAWS probably does apply to other people that are weak minded.  Anyway I'm good now and forever.  

[ginsa]

Post Acute Withdrawl (withdrawal) is a physical thing...not mental. Down regulation of opiate receptors during chronic opiate use ( whether for 6 mos or 6 years ) comes with a whole host of symptoms. I think it may be more difficult for someone with a cooccuring mental disorder to recover, but it's not about weakness.

A positive attitude is great, but beware of over confidence. The up and down swing of symptoms you describe is not unusual in withdrawl (withdrawal) and recovery. I takes 10-14 days typically for opiates to fully leave the body. During this time you might feel great one day and awful the next. Recovery is not a linear process. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but don't be taken by surprise if you hit a wall. I hope it  doesn't happen to you, but don't get discouraged if it does.

I felt better on day 8 than I thought was possible, but it's been like a rollercoaster ride since then. I only used btw 10-40 mg of hydrocodone a day over a 3 year period. Not a very high dose relatively speaking. But the lingering effects, both physical and mental have been debilitating. What I'm trying to say is that everyone is different. And from what I've learned from other members here, each experience of withdrawl (withdrawal) can be different too.

I hope you keep feeling better each day. Keep posting.

P.S. I checked out your youtube. I'm not a fan of techno music but I did like Loss. Good melody. You should write lyrics to it. Keep your mind occupied.

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Thank you for the advice.  I do expect physical symptoms like lethargy that's for sure since even my counselor told me it could take a couple months for that to normalize but today being the first day I'm over the cold finally, my energy level is back and I just worked out and took my supplements and already feel good before eating.  I truly believe like i said once again in mind over matter.  If my body is telling me I'm tired or trying to discourage me with something, my mind can overcome it.  Western medicine tells us that's not possible, eastern medicine and even prophets and people on a higher spiritual level and even regular people that truly believe in this concept have overcome illnesses and physical problems with the use of their mind.  I truly believe it's all up to what's in my head and my daily routine needs to stay consistent also to keep my energy levels up.  I'm eating a ridiculous amount of food already and now I'm training and doing things to release serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins...that being masturbation without climax, 5htp, ltyrosine, multi vitamins, lots of food, and climaxing at night to release dopamine.  Worked like a charm and the only reason I got bad symptoms and the first time I did so far during withdrawals is that two day period I took tamiflu.  Tamiflu symptoms are heavy for some people and has caused hallucinations, delirium, and confusion in Japan.  So I know it was that since when I stopped and it wore off I felt back to normal again so long as I kept my routine up and did my mental exercises every day along with physical.  

I'm expecting some lethargy like you said something physical.  But I doubt lethargy is going to mess with my mood.  Even when I was feeling horrible on tamiflu my mood was still positive.  So yea PAWS definitely exists and I'm definitely sure I can't blame some people that have it even if they are mentally strong since it depends on their use and they could've used way longer than me.  Despite my heavy use of powerful narcotics like heroin and opium poppy plants (filled with morphine and thebaine) I was only 10-11 months so that's probably why my symptoms so far are manageable through the right routine.  

But I'm doing great on day 10 so far and I'm going out.  =)

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Here it is, day 11.  Still in a positive mood, nothing has changed.  My cold is going away fast and I just woke up.  So I'm going to take my tyrosine and other stuff then get ready to do my usual working out on an empty stomach for 30 min.   Feels good to be alive lately.  I don't think I could've asked for a better recovery from opiate use.  I am totally myself again and yesterday I had friends over all night and we just had a great time talking and watching videos for hours on end.  

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A little more detail on how I feel.  Feels like my testosterone is back in full blast, my workouts are making my muscles fuller, harder, and my body fat levels are dropping fast because of the many times a day I eat nutrient dense food.  My mood is great, lethargy is there but it's not as bad as I thought.  I can easily work through it without a problem.  I was lethargic before use, just naturally a low energy person but I never had a problem dealing with it so I'm good.  I'm recovering from this cold fast, my symptoms are barely there, just sneezed like 3 times today.  My aggression is coming back, my over confidence is coming back, my mind is coming back!  Everything is falling into place.  The sleep is still difficult, I almost dread going to sleep, it's difficult to fall asleep and that annoys me but I do sleep longer than before.  I think I got about 6 hours this time again.  Not bad considering the restless legs, which by the way are getting better and better every time...I think melatonin might've been irritating it believe it or not so I'm stopping that.  But I do wake up a few times.  This'll take some more time to improve but it's getting there.  Besides that, so long as I keep up with my exercises, supplements, and nutrition I'm 110% positive I'll bounce back to superhuman status.  ;)  

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This is officially day 12!  Still feeling good.  I'm not going to get into too much detail at this moment because that's enough said.  I made it through withdrawals and I'm never looking back again.  =)

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Just got up, still getting around 5 hours of sleep.  Today definitely a little less than 5 hours.  Bah, I can't wait to get a full night without waking up and struggling to go back to sleep.  But overall things are still going my way and my positivity is still high up there.  Just a bit tired overall due to the lack of sleeping accumulating.  

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Unfortunately, the cravings have come yesterday, I forgot to mention this.  But fortunately, I still talk to the counselor every day and I keep in mind the pain, the horrible pain of day 2-3 and God and my woman.  Who am I letting down?  I'm letting down the world in my mind if I do this again.  Everyone else that also means something to me, I'm letting down too much in my life.  So I keep that in mind forever.  So I can never look back at a pill, a bag of heroin, an opium poppy head pod....NOTHING.  Just rebuilding my body, my mind, my spirit most of all because without the spirit there is no recovery.  With the availability there is no solution.  I keep these things in mind and I make sure I'm far from that dream that sucked me in so far away from reality that I almost remained there forever.  It's a dream state that looks so beautiful from within but looked at from outside is a wicked step into hell through a temptation romanticized by demons themselves.  The longer you walk in this dream world...slowly it unravels it's ugly dominion and loses it's beauty and once it's lost that you struggle every day to rekindle that fire, you remember the outside world and you remember that even though it's not as beautiful as your dream world once was, at least it can contain those you love forever and you know it means something.  

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Still day 12, still feeling good and my energy levels are getting better all the time esp. after a workout early in the day.  That is one of the biggest helps.  But anyway, like I said I have had cravings today, bad ones so now I know I need to take it further and hit up the NA meetings alongside my counselor.  It's all about pushing myself to bringing things from shaky to strong.  This is a shaky moment so I need to go to NA meetings to make these cravings not get to me.  I doubt they will since it's normal to have cravings for something that made you happy and when you make a promise to God you are certain but either way as a precaution and part of my after care, I know this is important.  

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Day 13:  Not the best day but there is good reason for that.  I just had my flu shot, not the swine flu yet, not until next week since my doctor wants to be on the safe side.  He said my body went through so much and my blood pressure is still high so I must give my body some more time to get healthy to get another flu shot, he said one is enough but it's got me lethargic, sore, and getting some chills.  So I'm just going to try to rest a bit since clearly my body is still recovering but regardless recovering fast.  Most of the symptoms I got after withdrawal were from a cold, tamiflu, and now the flu shot so I know it's not anything more than a bug.  Anyway, my blood pressure is still high but I think that could be due to the fact that when the nurse checked my blood pressure on my left arm, it was bruised because I was rough housing with my girlfriend haha and I fell and bruised my bicep.  Plus, when I quit opiates I also quit cigarettes so that could be another reason why I may still have high blood pressure.  These symptoms are why my doctor was cautious about giving me swine flu and regular flu shots all at the same time.  But besides all that, I'm still and always positive despite being a big lethargic today.  

I also took 5 days off the anti-anxiety meds I believe...I found some more from an old prescription just like 7 left with no refills so instead of getting 5-6 hours max of sleep with waking up all the time, I finally got a full almost 8 hours without waking up!!  To my surprise this got me groggy when I woke up but still...I NEED the sleep to recover so I'm going to take the xanax for another few days since I took a break and need to get some sleep to recover and make my body strong.  So all in all, good sleep, some lethargy from flu shots and probably xanax, but my body is looking better all the time...healthier and I'm still working out every day.  I just did some work out this morning before I went to the doctor so that might also explain the blood pressure along with tapering down the clonidine to half a .1 mg tablet which could cause rebound hypertension so this is no surprise to me or my doctor but he wants to make sure once I'm off the clonidine tomorrow since it's my last dose left, must check how my blood pressure is in ten days after not having that anymore.  Hopefully it will be better because I can't risk getting sick again with a bug or virus.  I can still technically get swine flu so I have to be extra careful as my immune system is rebuilding after that withdrawal I went through.  

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Women...they often say men are insensitive when they can be just as harsh and cruel.  I'm going to beat this addiction 110% but this just makes it 50% harder knowing that slowly it seems like my girl is slipping away even when I decided to change things around and being more spontaneous and aggressive and being more cold, less loving and being loving only here and there because according to her it means more to her if it's seldom.  Well, seemed to be working and we had a great time yesterday as usual but then she pulled a you're an idiot on me cause of something simple I did stupid and I got mad at her and told her I refuse to be pushed around and taken for granted and that this kind of behavior is part of it...and she's like I know I know I'm so sorry but it's hard for me when someone gets close I have this urge to push them away.  And according to a professional, I found out that girls that weren't given that much love and were raised with no father have trouble loving men and push away and get alienated when they get close to someone.  So difficult and I was ok with that...I accepted it because I know her background and today I told her **** one year from now I want to go on an awesome vacation super expensive just me and you, and she's like I DON'T KNOW IF WE'LL BE TOGETHER THEN, I'M JUST BEING REALISTIC WHAT IF I CAN'T CONTROL MY BEHAVIOR.  I'm like THANKS FOR HAVING FAITH IN US, THAT'S WHY I'M SLOWLY ACCEPTING THAT THIS ISN'T REAL LOVE.  And to think, she was one of my biggest inspirations to quit and even when I was using I was endlessly helpful, caring, keeping my game up, loving her the way she wanted because I wanted to love her back and she used to say stuff like, don't ever leave me...would you marry me one day?  

I'm at a point of despising right now...I told her never to say that again because it gets a persons hopes up and that she needs to learn what true love is.  So now, despite doing everything right, even taking her best friend's advice because she thinks I'm a great guy, her past issues are erupting so heavily it seems like its going to be impossible because she isn't strong enough to change.  I don't know what the **** to do but boy does this hurt my recovery in a way that is messing with my positivity bad.  BUT NO DON'T GET ME WRONG I'M NOT GOING TO RELAPSE.  I have selfesteem way too high for that...which is why I told her I'm not letting her take me down the path of desperation.  I want to love her but I won't if she won't give me the respect I deserve.  I really really want to love her because I accept her for who she is but now it seems like she's not accepting me for the good qualities I have and things are starting to change exactly when I thought things were getting better.  And to think just two months ago she was talking about how she never wants me to leave her and how much she loves me.....it hurts and I need a vent so this is my vent as personal as this seems.  I'm not going to let it make me relapse because i know how sorrow and drugs work together, they speed up addiction so fast that you get lost forever in a world of lost dreams.  I know how dangerous that is.  But I just wish she would open her f-in eyes and realize that if she loses me...I promise her she won't have someone love her like I do ever again.  I'm not showing her any of my vulnerability right now because I know that messes things up even further, I'm just giving her the cold shoulder, maybe she'll realize what she has to lose before I decide to drop her as much as I don't want to and as much as I love her company and her seemingly compassionate and sweet face...it's all a front as of late and I'm not going to show her any affection until she earns it at this point.  I'm not giving up but if she gives up...I WILL.  I'm so angry right now mixed with a sense of despair but thankfully with God on my side, I'm not even close to thinking about using again.  Maybe some advice would be nice.  

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If there is anything I learned from what I've been thinking about today it's that...I DON'T NEED ANYONE BUT MYSELF AND GOD TO BEAT THIS.  And I'm already past the worst.  Day 14, 2 weeks is right around the corner.  I'm not living in a dream...I'll just use my imagination to do that because that's what got me about opiates.  It expanded my imagination to new levels to the point where I would feel like I'm mentally and spiritually in a different state...UNTIL the habit got too big and started to change who I was as a person and all I wanted to do was dream and escape reality.  Only thing I can say about that is, there is nothing stronger than the human imagination and mind...no one needs a drug and I can't wait until the rennaisance fair comes around Chicago next year again because I feel like a damn kid again going there and it's truly relaxing for me.  I love fantasy stuff!  But I'm not living in a dream no more.  And I'm going to get RIPPED again...just give me two months.  ;)

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I'm on day 14.  I'm happy about my recover but I don't think I could be more depressed about considering leaving my girlfriend because of her unproving love...answers like "I think I love you" when I asked her if she was sure she did or not and "what if we're not together a year from now", proved to me so much.  I'm going to tell her I can't string along desperately to someone that doesn't truly love me and accept me.  Who would think this would happen so early in my recovery.  I was fine earlier, proud, and determined...I'm still proud but it's almost impossible to avoid the nostalgia of the memories I had with the woman I still love that I have to leave.  I had the best times in my life with her, we both loved wildly...then it just dies in her?  It hurts like hell...I can honestly say worse than the withdrawals...nothing compares to losing the one person in your life you care about more than anything in the world but I have no choice as my dignity is on the line.  My pride and dignity which can be hurt even worse in the future when my positivity should be going up, I can't just string along and let my positivity slowly deteriorate in the long wrong.  This has turned from a drug problem to a love story...who would've thought.  But I'm going to tell her tomorrow as if it doesn't affect me that I can't see her anymore because of what she said.  I can't show any emotion....it's going to be hard, without a doubt at this point the hardest thing in my life.  I'd rather go through withdrawal again and know that she loves me but this is all the more reason for me not to relapse...like I said the combination of despair and drugs turns into a nightmare that no one can return from.  I'd rather be lonely now for a little while and recover than lonely forever and die from drugs.  

Wish me luck from this unexpected turn at the worst time possible.  It all started the first day of withdrawal when she said she needed a break then changed her mind...I was happy about her changing her mind at first...then she slowly revealed herself until yesterday she totally just proved to me that this isn't going to last and I need someone committed.  And I did everything a man should do when a woman starts losing it...being colder, less loving, more aggressive, telling her she needs to figure out what she wants from me or else I'm done...nothing seemed to work.  You would think if I was threatening to leave she would say she loves me for sure...but that's how I know.  I need this forum now more than ever, I need you people.  I'm going to have to do ten fold more stuff to get out of this and I will.  I have no choice.  When a man realizes he deserves better, even if it hurts its time to let go.  Ironic that love was what made me so strong through withdrawal...the thought of her and God.  That's life for ya.  At least here I can show who I really am because I need my vent, my outlet, somewhere, somehow.  Good night and God bless all of you.  

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Long story short...I'm on day 15 and things worked out in my favor and I found out that my girl truly loves me.  I tested her and I tested her hard, threatened to break up with her and that opened up a whole new world to her and eventually I realized that she does want me and that I can safely say I will keep on with her.  So I don't feel bad anymore.  I feel great.  I was so energized today.  I had a great day and my sleep is coming back well.  

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Already past the 2 week mark and I feel totally recovered in terms of energy and mental quickness!  So not just am I positive, I gained my energy and quickness AND sleep back!!  It's still day 15 but I had a good wake up and I did my usual exercise and I'm ready for a great thanksgiving with my girlfriend, her mom and my family.  

The whole situation with my girlfriend exactly during recovery was definitely another test of life.  If I didn't believe in myself and even though expecting the worst if I had even one feeling of considering relapsing, I think karma or God or whatever you want to call it would have had me fail this test.  I didn't even think about using drugs again even if I lost the one person I care about most but instead thankful to my mindset, I won her back and now I know where I stand with her...she does love me.  Maybe it's karma but I truly do believe that God rewarded me with what I wanted just because I kept my end of the bargain even though i was being dealt with a potentially disastrous situation that would've sunk me into depression.  So I couldn't be happier with my life right now and I know I'm out of it.  Still talking to counselor and I'm still looking for the right NA meeting so even though i feel great I'm not taking any chances regardless.  

[pensacolafl26]

That's wonderful for you and your girlfriend. Hopefully me and my husband can make it through. Tough though our situation may be a little different. You'r edoing so great, you're one that keeps me motivated/
   thanks

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I wish nothing but incredible progress for you because of your kid.  You have something to fight for that you believe in like I said before.  And the sense of empowerment when your body comes back to normal...the feeling of being off drugs is BETTER than being on them.  You lose yourself being on drugs long enough, you will eventually get lazy like I did, lose interest in things you loved to do like I did, start being too relaxed in life, and your life has suddenly lost meaning, lost achievement, lost effort, and your kid ends up being neglected if you get too deep into the drugs.  Trust me...that's why my relationship had it's problems...it was partially my fault.  I never felt so good mentally and physically and I'm already snapped back to who I was before I used except with ENHANCEMENTS...more positivity, more energy, more motivation to accomplish in life because if you can get through withdrawal and take all the right supplements and exercise, you can conquer the world when your body comes back to normal.  My efforts sped me up into the future.  I'm I think on day 17...see I'm already losing track because the numbers mean nothing to me anymore since I feel better than I ever did before being hooked on heroin and the morphine in the pods...so think about that!   Think about how you will be super woman when you are done and you make sure you keep doing the exercises and supplements that will reboot your brain and make you feel fresh and reborn.  It's a great feeling trust me.  ***** at first...gets better and better to the point where you are almost quite literally reborn.  Talk about empowering...this changed me for the rest of my life.  

[bigoc1655]

i amright were your at this is horrible i know but we can do it your on this sitr for a reason and that says it all im here to support u i have a baby on the way and that is all the motivation i nedd u can do it im here to talk anytime hang in there

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Thanks buddy.  So far I feel more powerful than ever in my whole life but if anything happens I'll holler at you and at anyone else because it does help to talk to someone when I'm feeling like crap.  As strong as I was, I got too many signals...too many coincidences a pact with God that created a pathway with symmetrically placed obstacles that seemed too well placed to be there giving me some sort of clarity that made me almost wonder if what I went through was divine intervention because since the beginning of wanting to quit...things fell into place in ways I would never have expected.  So my pact with God is strong now.  I will beat this and I already feel I have because I'm on day 17 clean and clear and I'm looking better every day.  

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Strange dreams plague me these days considering that I'm technically still in recovery.  Strange dreams of me getting these bags of heroin that look more like granulated plant matter and I end up snorting them in my dreams or the one I had last night where me and my girlfriend went to the southside of Chicago to score some heroin bags but most dealers would say nothing was available until later in the day.  And my girlfriend is totally straight and has no idea about my use and I plan to keep it that way now that I'm clean especially.  Strange, haunting, disturbing dreams...I know something out there is trying to test me.  I do believe in heaven and hell and I do believe in the devil.  I woke up a little disturbed today considering the dream I had.  Mostly because I wouldn't dare think about using at this point but I still have these dreams.  Anyway, I'm going to keep on with my day and ignore my cravings that just developed in the last few days but I still wouldn't dare touch the drugs.  

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Going to medieval times today with my girl!!  Day 18 hell yea!!

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Day 19!  My energy is holding totally stable and actually pretty damn high.  Couldn't possibly feel better.  Just focusing on homework and seeing my girl and friends.  It's amazing how good it feels to realize that there is something beyond the withdrawal worth living for.  =)

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Technically day 21!!!  I feel meh today...but I expect bad days.  Everyone has their good days and their bad days.  Today just had a lot of negative energy around me...not coming from me but from people around me.  Just one of those days you know.  Nothing that will push me over the edge...so no one should worry about me.  I'm strong enough to realize that life is not perfect and I can't always have things the way I want...the pain of withdrawal taught me that 1000 fold.  I already knew to expect problems in life but after dealing with that kind of pain, other pain in life seems almost trivial at this point...esp. after feeling the pain of possibly losing the one I love during recover.  Life is hard...I don't expect it nor do I want it to be easy because that takes away from the challenge of making us stronger people.  We need our obstacles to move on to the next level and to eventually self actualize.  I am one thing though, despite having a crappy day, I'd say at this point in my life I'm happy.  Once I start having more money roll in with my new job, I'll be ecstatic!  Just a matter of time now.  With this money I have many plans:  

Help my father pay bills because he needs me and he deserves my help
Go on a damn nice vacation to europe with my girl!!
Possibly get a new car
Pay off my school loans
Be able to finally not feel like i'm scraping for money working with my dad to pay for food and bodybuilding supplements which is a necessity in my fitness goals

I have much left to do!  Maybe one day, I might want to even be a counselor to help people get off drugs just like my counselor helped me.  Talk about a rewarding career.  =)  

See ya'll on day 22!!!  

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DAY 22!!!  My doctor checked me up today.  Unfortunately my blood pressure is still high 140/90 but I know why...I took clonidine for 2 weeks, 1st week of withdrawal and the second week to be safe...it causes rebound hypertension (high blood pressure) when you stop using.  Plus I was smoking cigarettes like a chimney when i was doing opiates and I was getting fat and wasn't working out so I think it's just a matter of time until all the healthy eating, working out, and supplements will get my blood pressure down to where it should be.  That's really the only issue now.  Besides that, I'm happy.  My energy is ridiculous...I don't think it's been this good even before using and I know that's because of my good eating habits (well relatively lol gotta have a little junk food here and there because I love food!!!) and my intense training.  So just a matter of time until I'm 110% healthy and on top of the world.  Plus, I really have no choice but to work out almost every day.  I need to be in tip top shape with a six pack for my job as a personal trainer in 2 months time.  So I need to keep kicking my *** in the gym and releasing those endorphins.  

All in all, I'm superman already and I plan on staying this way, no drug can ever give me the power to lift 95 lb dumbbells right over my head for 6 reps weighing in at 179 lbs!!  And that's with perfect form nice and slow lowering the weights almost to my shoulders!!!  This is where I need to get back to and I will.  I'm only at 75 lbers for 3-4 reps now so it's only a matter of time.  =)

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Day 23:  I went to narcotics anonymous.  Disturbing...warm people but there was an air of disturbance that just bothered me.  I don't like to say "hi my name is george and i'm an addict"...I made a mistake in my life and I refuse to label myself.  If someone committed a crime and had to label themselves criminals for the rest of their lives, how would that equate in their mind?  I think it's wrong and I don't want anything to do with it....for the first time I felt a bit down like I was barely progressing coming back from NA.  It almost feels like they expect us to relapse and will pat me on the back and say it's ok it happens...let's try this again.  

THAT'S NOT HOW I DEAL WITH PROBLEMS.  I don't plan to make relapse an option.  I want to move on and close the chapter of drug use in my life because I was never that kind of person to begin with.  I was always a high achiever, a good student, a bodybuilder, I loved reading...and now I'm being labeled an addict.  I'd rather talk to my counselor who agrees with me every day and keep thinking positive, see my loved ones, enjoy life naturally, work out, and enjoy every minute of my life than go to a meeting where people are treating me as if I'm still addicted and still sick when I feel better than I ever did before and I feel like I conquered and defeated a demon.  If anything, I should be labeled a warrior...not a f-in addict.  It may work for some people to remind them of what they shouldn't be...but for me I'd rather remind myself of who I TRULY AM not an addict, a warrior that has trampled over the drugs and taken control of my own mind once again.  I know this isn't the convention but I was never part of the convention to begin with.  I don't hate NA because it works great for many people...but it's just not for me.   I'm too proud.  

[pensacolafl26]

Wow, couldn't have said it better. That is how i feel. I have never been to N.A, But A.A. ughh, i felt so icky at A.A. It was like a cult or something. and the ''camaraderie" did keep me sober, but reflecting back, none of those members kept me sober, b/c i went home alone! I studied and struggled alone. And the one that got me sober was me. And god. Prayer. But nobody telling me what a piece of **** i am ever helped to keep me sober, my daughter and me kept me sober, sobriety kept me saine

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Day 25...I think?  Still clean and sober...forever and ever and ever!  No mood swings, none of that post withdrawal syndrome garbage I was scared of, nothing but good times, good moods, good work outs...and a little cold virus...oh well life is never perfect and I'm ok with that. =)

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Pretty sure it's day 27!  Still cleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...and always period.  I love life...I love eating loads of food every day to get myself in bodybuilding shape, I love training, I love being with my girlfriend while not being high and just laughing with her, I love being with my friends and having the best conversations and some of the best laughs, I love laughing!, I love sitting around relaxing and watching movies, I love being free from drugs, I love God, I love my girlfriend's cat, I love feeling energy, strong, and clear headed all the time so I can make wise decisions in my life, I love having my libido back, I love being able to sleep 8-9 hours a night, I looooooove being clean!!!  

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Woke up for the first time feeling like crap but I think that's just the realization that I have about 8 hours of homework to do tonight, I slept too much, and I have to wake up at 6:30 am for jury duty.  ugh.  Depressing!  It's ok though, I have no cravings or anything.  Just have to force myself to study and then force mysefl to sleep earlier than I usually do haha.  Agh.  Oh well, still and always clean...forever.  

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Day 28.  A test I did to test my will...not really a test because I knew damn well I wouldn't fail.  I'm beyond the point of ever failing again.  My dealer when I was using told me he wanted to quit, he is a man of God and so am I.  He did call even after I threatened him and told me this, that he needs my strength one day and I told him fine one day just not yet.  I stopped by his house today (that day came)...a heroin spot, knowing damn well I wouldn't even think about using as my cravings are easily tolerable and dealt with.  I came over saw him and told him, brother, I am here to give you a message...I gave him the thomas recipe, the enhanced version I have and told him if he needs to stop soon that I will talk him through it and get him talking to my counselor to help him out.  He was surprised to say the least that I actually came through and was even more surprised when he saw how healthy and how much muscle I gained since quitting.  I think it was a good impression on him of what he can be if he stopped.  He's healthy, 36 years old and capable of doing cold turkey so I urged him to and I told him if he is a true believer of God then I'll be happy to play the role of the messenger to help him out of it.  It was an empowering feeling, being there around the corner of where I could get the heroin and knowing beyond damn well that I wouldn't even think for a second of using.  I'm at the point where you can put that stuff in my face and I will slap it off your hands and move on!  This technique was more an enforcement of my strength of will.  So I knew this was no risk on my part as I feel better than I could ever be without using drugs...plus I'm not one of your emotionally beat up typical NA members that tells himself he's still an addict and keeps supporting the mentality of "oh I'm always going to have cravings, deep down inside I'm still an addict"...NO.  If I tell myself I am not an addict I won't be, if I tell myself I am above the cravings I AM, if I use the will of my mind which is the strongest tool in the world....nothing can control me.  I don't believe in that lovey dovey mentality of surrendering to the idea that I have a disease and that I will always have cravings.  I believe in the mentality that if I tell myself every day that I'm not an addict and I have NO OPTION of ever using again, I won't.  Plain and simple.  I believe the earlier mentality of NA which I experienced can cause certain people to relapse.  I know it wouldn't to me but it has to others because they are babied.  I'm not one to be given hugs, or babied, or told that I have a disease....I'm a young 24 year old strong male...what's that going to do to my ego.  So I told the dealer, if he does it my way, he's doing it the hard way but the proud way.  I'm not going to pity him, I'm just going to make sure he feels good about what he's doing and he feels strong for getting through it so maybe it is an easier way.  Hopefully with the thomas recipe and my counselor it will help him.  I pray it does.  

[pensacolafl26]

I agree. you should not be satisfied being a victim, or a survivor, i can only do this in way of being  CONQUERER!

[BornofOsiris]

Just be careful man dont let your guard down at all costs. I believe it was gizzy he posted a few months ago about some on the lines of "Pink cloud" or something idk someone correct me but its a sense that you have won your addiction and can make you over confident then you think you beat it next thing your saying you can get high once then blam its in your life again. Not trying to be mean or anything at all man just trying to give you a heads up if you didnt know. Good job and staying clean man and way to help out a friend. My old dealer was also inspired by me since we both knew eath other all the way back in high school playing football together now he is clean about 3 months now.

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That's the thing man, I made a point of that in my recovery.  I know that can happen, the whole over confidence then desire to use just once that's why a big staple in my plan is NOT EVEN ONCE...NOT AN OPTION.  I know to tell myself EVEN ONCE will destroy my whole world that I built from the ground up so trust me, I have that engrained in my head as well constantly and every day.  This is the there is no option back no matter what plan haha.  I'm letting myself get confident but the right kind of confidence.  They always say there is a difference between confidence and cockiness....this is confidence, this is a pact with God that I can't break because just once will break the chains.  So I'm not getting cocky and won't let myself think even once to use again.  This is why I'm doing this with a couple other people too...I admitted I need help from others as well but I still want the freedom to feel as independent as possible.  I have two friends close to me that know that are checking me out every now and then to see for warning signs or search my basement and I still call my counselor constantly.  So I took those precautions too...not to end up the person that says he is confident enough to use just once and it'll all be ok...I know that's another trap, I know damn well so I closed that option off completely that's why this is all built up off principle.  If I break, I'm a hypocrite.  

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Ahhhh got my data back.  Now I can keep updating.  I'm getting my personal training job back very soon.  Life is looking beyond up.  Who would've thought after heroin and opium poppy morphine addiction?  My body is looking better and better each week and my energy is still very high.  No PAWS no crazy cravings even though I do get cravings...but all the cravings are so minimal and my love for life stops them dead in their tracks.  My love and search for higher meaning doesn't just stop them dead in their tracks but destroys them and reduces them to lack of existence.  My addiction to weightlifting and being a better person physically, mentally, and spiritually has overcome the addiction to a pleasant yet ultimately meaningless and destructive substance.  I don't even know what day I'm at now, I don't care.   Because I can be on day 1000 or day 2 for all I care...as long as I feel like this my life is going to rise to a new dimension of clarity and meaning and nothing will ever control me again.  My spirit is stronger than that.  

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Heroin plagueing my dreams?  Unbelievable.  My cravings are very manageable otherwise but since I've been suppressing them in my conscious hours with weight training, keeping busy, seeing my girl, or doing homework...they have emerged full blast in my dreams.  Really vivid but strangely enough even in my dreams it's like they are still one step away from me.  

One dream was with me and my girl...she was driving my car and drove towards a side street where there were heroin dealers...for some odd reason the president of the U.S. was walking in a procession with many other government and military men down that street as we passed by with the car around them.  As we drove into this street after they all passed, it was a very sunny day and to my surprise in this ghetto that is primarily african american there are some hipsteresque white girls hanging around in their front yards just chilling out in the open as if it's summer.  Not a single heroin dealer to be found, it was as if the neighborhood has been cleaned out of gangs.  Very strange.  

The other dream was with me in the third point of view...I believe that's how you would put it.  I was following some guy that was a heroin addict and went to a head shop where they sold souvenirs, t-shirts, and the usual head shop stuff but apparantley also heroin.  This guy I was with went to the owner that was hanging around in the front of the shop and told him he needs 150 dollars worth of heroin but only has 80 dollars.  The owner looked at him in a very stern manner and told him, you know I'm going to go after you if you don't pay me back, then invited him in and gave him about what seemed like 20 10 dollar bags of heroin with the store's well designed logo on each bag.  I was only present almost as a spirit as I followed this man and no one said anything to me as I was with him and he got into his junk car and drove off to some cheap apartment complex to shoot up two bags...which he claimed injected got him very high from this particular high quality dealer.  Very strange, very disturbing.  

The good news is, that I definitely don't have the slightest urge to even think about getting any drugs nor do I know where I can get them at this point anyway which is even better.  I'm back at the point where the risk of getting caught and destroying the possibility of getting a good education as a result is way too high for me to risk getting high.  That's how I felt for the years before even using the pods when I was totally clean.  The cravings are haunting...but that's all they are evil spirits roaming around me.  I probably only had those dreams because I was in a lot of pain trying to get to sleep...I got a splitting headache and couldn't fall asleep until 7 am and then kept waking up every 2 hours to use the bathroom.  So since my body was in pain, it was definitely craving something.  That's all.  Nothing more nothing less.  

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Yea the cravings must've been delayed or something but they are hitting me lately like stones thrown from the heavens.  Nothing I can't handle just surprised.  Those demons pestering me inside, I didn't think I realistically could've totally lived craving free did I?  NO big deal though.  This is nothing I can't handle.  I just need to up the efforts and keep talking to my counselor.  It's just a mental thing...nothing physical.  I've dealt with 1000 times worse so this'll be a breeze and I'll keep telliing myself that because I will believe it!  Life has officially started a battle with me...I'm starting a war with life.  

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The cravings are hitting me harder and harder every day...I certainly didn't expect this.  I understand now fully why people say the war is in the after care.  All the suppression of cravings I did until the last week have probably surfaced and exploded since they were subconsciously suppressed through a state of incredible confidence.  The confidence is still there but the cravings have humbled me and taught me a valuable lesson...keep fighting hard as the war is not yet over.  I must persist now more than ever because this seemingly is the hard part.  I keep my mind and body as busy as possible lately because I have no other choice.  Like I said all that suppression has exploded into my nightmares and dreams and then into my conscious world.  It's like suppressing anger...you keep it at bay for long enough, it will come out explosively.  Unfortunately it has made my life difficult lately but not nearly difficult enough to over power me and put me in a submissive state.  I will keep dominating this because that is what I'm biologically meant to do...dominate every aspect of my life because I am a man...this is no different.  NO man should be existing to let something or someone control him.  Man is there not to be controlled by others especially not by a drug...an inhumane and soulless piece of matter...it's actually quite pathetic to let something like an object control another human being.  I keep this in mind because what man would let another man or woman control him?  Imagine stooping to a newer lower and letting an object, a drug control a man that exists to prove to God and others that he is alive to take control of life and prove himself worthy of biological sustenance.  I will keep fighting.  And I thought the withdrawal was bad...seems like PAWS is there to a certain extent as my brain has stopped producing as much nor epinephrine as much as it was during the first month of recovery when the brain was producing this in high abundance.  My energy levels have dropped and my unusually high levels of increased sense of well being have leveled out and sometimes I feel a bit blue but I know that's part of my brain coming back to normal.  Strange that I was so unbelievably euphoric during the first month of recovery.  Feels like I'm becoming human again but part of being human is striving to be super human and that is part of my endless battle with life and a drug that can destroy my reason for existence.  I can't let that happen.  Now that my brain has calmed down and stopped releasing all that adrenaline and nor epinephrine which comes out in abundance when quitting opiates as a natural reaction since there was a lack of that during use...I have to find new means of increasing my energy.  

[BornofOsiris]

just remember drugs has no stereotype whether man nor woman, ethnicity, age doesnt matter. Aftercare is prolly the most important step in recovery since most people crack at the "mental" part of it. Over time the cravings will go away and we will feel normal and human again but the battle will never be over. Even if you have 15 years clean, just one can make us addicts again, and bring back the whole "mental" part. As addicts we cant control over how much we use nor how long, obviously since we all got addicted, were in this for life. Us addicts just cant use a diff substance neither cause we release our addictions all over again, we just look for something to make us feel "good". Try not to force tooo much stress on your body, for we are still healing, we used for years now its going to take a while to get fully healed. The energy will come back sooner or later, sometimes it can take months so dont try to force yourself to get energy and just remember PAWS usually peaks around 3-6 months, so you can never let your guard down, no matter what.Much love

Dallas

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Well honestly, I'm already 100% sure that this recent feeling like **** and lack of energy wasn't really the PAWS thing because I felt great before that for a while and now I'm sick so yea...I'm damn sure that this is all it is.  I know I'll crave the drug though, that's going to be a battle for sure but I think just simply because getting sick caused me to suddenly become incapable of going to the gym and suddenly incapable of really doing much at all because I'm having a pretty bad sinus infection that caused leakage to my throat and a bad cough, some chills, a mild fever, and just groggy all day....but all that combined it's pretty obvious I'm not going to feel at my best.  I'm sure once this goes away and I start hitting the gym like I was I'm going to be back to 110%.  It's just moments like these when I'm not busy, my mind wanders too much and I feel like crap just because I have too much time on my hands when I prefer to be moving forward.  That happened to me even before being an addict.  I would have moments where if I am laying around long enough and not doing anything, it physically manifests into weakness, lethargy, and a feeling like I'm sick even if I'm not.  I was always naturally low energy which is why I worked out.  If I'm healthy though and can work out on the other hand...I can get up work out, get my body moving, and once I get it moving I keep it moving...my energy comes back fast.  I call it the bounce back effect.  Get the gears lubed up and rolling and it'll be very difficult to move at first but once I apply momentum and the gears are rolling...it's much easier to keep moving.  What I'm having now is the incapability of getting my gears moving cause I'm sick and that makes it even worse so I confused that with PAWS at first but really I was just starting to get sick..NOW I'M REALLY SICK and I know it's just that so.  So long as I know what's wrong with me and 99% of the times I do...I know what to do to get out of it.