I used and abused tonight... ugh

I’m not gonna lie to myself or to you guys.  I blew it.  The migraine was bad and I gave in and took one.  Well, that’s all it took.  Within an hour I was right back where I started.  Josh had the pills but he was outside and I searched the house for them.  Of course I found them.  I started popping them.  Then we went car shopping and while he was talking to the salesman I was popping more.  He had brought them with us in case my migraine got bad again.  To be honest, I didn’t even care about the migraine.  I just cared about the d*amn pills.

I thought I could handle taking one for legitimate pain and that’s how it started.  But as soon as that pill hit my system, I was done.  The chase was on and the old addictive behavior kicked in.  Searching for more, not eating to sustain the feeling, even thinking about getting more from my doctor.  All within an hour.  Can you believe that?  I completely changed in that short of a time.

I had been sober and living in a black and white area.  I hadn’t taken any pills and kept fighting to keep it that way.  But as soon as I gave myself that grey area I had room to justify taking more.  If I had taken one, what was the difference if I took a few more?  I can’t live in a grey area.  If it’s not black and white I’ll take advantage of it.  

I can’t believe how fast that addict came back to life.  It is amazing how much power one pills has…. and how much it makes you lose.

[101 Dalmatians]

OH NO GIRL!!!  Are you mad at yourself now?  Everyone makes mistakes, so don't be too hard on yourself!  I know how migraines feel, I just wish you had something like Imitrex to take.  Do you plan on getting more pain pills from your doctor?  I bet you felt great!  I can't handle even the mildest headache because I have been through two brain aneurysms, one in July of 1998 and one in December of 1999.  I had the worst headache in the world with the July of 1998 aneurysm, that one was an emergency, I had to go to the hospital by ambulance.  So, I can't stand having any headache!  I always tell myself, what is so wrong with being an addict as long as I can control myself and don't overdose?  I still think you are very, very intelligent!  Please let me know what you are going to do, ok?  I wish you well!!!  

[lady_m]

I have all kinds of emotions.  Yes, mad is one of them.  It's hard because before this happened I told Josh I was going to try to get a refill since he still has his kidney stones and is in pain.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I've just been sitting here in a daze.

By the way I took vicodin and percocet tonight.  Ugh, I'm even shaking my head as I type that.  I'm not sure exactly how many I took.  Probably around 10.

[blueyz]

I am so sorry girl.  Don't be too hard on yourself, but hard enough to let tomorrow be a new day.  You can start over and now know your limits.  Hopefully you can let it be just one day of a pitfall and not a new path of destruction. I wish I had more to say, I can just say a prayer and think good thoughts.  At least you had the power to be honest with yourself and others here.  Good for you.

Take care honey.

[lonote]

I'm here for you girl, if you need me. Don't beat yourself for  doing this. Your human.We f--- up. Sh-- happens.You will be back on track in no time.                                love, Cathy

[Mangee]

No pill has the kind of power if you don't want it to. You were hurting and sometimes pain can cloud your mind to the extent that you feel you have no place else to go. No one is perfect. You had a relapse. You are not the first who had one and you will not be the last. The important thing is that you do not flay yourself for the mistake. That will only push you further back. You have taken the time to let everyone know that you slipped and that is a good sign. If you didn't really care that you took a few steps backward you would be busy ingesting more pills instead of posting. You posted because you were looking for support and that is important. We are all here for you but we can only show and give support, the rest is up to you. Are you going to let a pill run your life for you?  Does the pill earn you a living? No, you do. Can a pill drive your car? No , you do. Does the pill make you breakfast, press your clothes, wash and dry them, do your shopping, all the necessary things in life? No you do. So  if you are in charge of every day things that you need in order to exist, how can a little pill dictate to you. You should be telling the pill what you want instead of the other way round. I know it's not that simple but you have to start somewhere. This is a fight that you must take control of. I have read some of your posts and I sure don't see the weakling that you make yourself out to be. It  doesn't matter how many times you have failed. What matters is the day that you succed and tat is something to look forward to. I hope this gives you a little push and your journey begins once more. I won't say  "Good Luck"  because whan someone succeeds luck never has anything to do with it. It is they themselves who create it.

[Mangee]

P.S. I notice that I made some mistakes in spelling. So, I made an error or two. Hey, I'm only human. I'll try to do better next time. Get the drift?

[marcatj]

I like your style, kid... :-)

Cali... you will beat this, sweetheart... it's only a setback.

[D30]

Calijen, My first question is are you a machine or human? Let me answer that for you, HUMAN and I don't know one human who hasn't or is not going to make a major mistake. I see a few things that shouldn't haave taken place in your day.
1. When looking for a car your husband should have only taken enough pills to last and kept them in his front pocket. Why the whole bottle. If I was a betting man you talked him into bringing the bottle.
2. When you seached for the pills that should have been enough for you to tell your husband you needed help today.
I fully understand everything you did yesterday and I am going to be real with you. Kick yourself in the azz and forget about it. Lesson learned. Hate yourself for yesterday, but today is a new day. Every relationship has ups and downs, and we all know we have a relationship with pills or whatever it is. Keep your head up kid, we all mess up. I fully understand and so should everyone else. Lighten up on yourself and have a great day.

[TimH2]

Don't beat yourself up about it. I have failed quite a few times and still had the courage to try again. You will too and I would think about my next c/t. It is so easy to fall off the wagon. Many people try to quit before they have had enough. You were going strong and can do it again. When you have legit pain it is so easy to take one. If you have any around the house, you will probably cave in.
Don't give up.

Hug to ya,
Tim

[mom2rachie]

If you do nothin to treat your addiction as a disease, like AA or NA or therapy, you will inevitably fall back into it.  You might have to take a pill in the furture for pain but if you are practicing a program, any constant program, you will have your head in the the right place where you can take pne for pain.  
It's sort of like an alcoholic who practices a program and who is able to be in a bar.  If your motvies are true and you check them before you dive in, most times you will be ok.  If you're still looking for way to abuse whether you have legit pain or not, something needs to change.  You were in pain and needed to take a pill, no one can argue that but you went right to the other side.  Something islacking in the recoery process.  
Posting here is great and it can help but this cannot be the end all be all of your recovery if you intend to have one.
I'm sorry about your migraines.  I get them to and they are comepletely debilitating.  

[lady_m]

I appreciate your response and what you said.  I just wanted to clarify a couple things.  First, my husband brought more pills than normal because he is also taking them for his kidney stone.  With car shopping we had no idea how long we would be gone.  And no, it was not me who suggested he bring the amount he did.  He was the one who chose to grab what he did.  I agree, he should have kept the pills with him.  I can't blame him though, I know we had a lot going on and he was thinking about cars, not pills.  Also, you said as soon as I started searching for them I should have realized I needed to go to him for help.  Unfortunately addictive behavior and common sense often don't go hand in hand.  If it did I wouldn't be an addict in the first place.  I agree with you when you say I need to kick my a$$ and move on.  I'm p*ssed at what I did yesterday.  I need to be.  If I don't get angry at myself for doing it I won't stop.  But I know I need to face it and move on.  I am dealing with it in my head and trying to figure out what I need to do from this point.

[lady_m]

I think what you said makes sense.  I am going to check out meetings in my area and find one that I can attend.  Maybe I wasn't as strong as I thought.

[lady_m]

I appreciate your responses and thoughts.  I am doing a lot of thinking about what I am going to do from here.  I need to get ready and head out to work but I will be around later...

[mom2rachie]

It's not a matter of will power.  It's a disease that needs to be treated.  If it were just a matter of wanting to stop, we would all be clean.  You, me, we all need a way to treat the disease and keep it at bay.  After a while it no longer becomes about using, it becomes about helping others not to use and it becomes about recognizing the personality traits and issues we have that caused us to use in the first place.
Check it out. Keep going until you find one you like.  You are bound to hear your story somewhere.  

[D30]

Calijen, sorry I was wrong and I didn't know your husband was in pain. My bad sis. I uderstand fully about your judgement. I had many nights of cocaine and knew it was wrong, but damn I felt good. The money was just a flying. Man I am glad those days are over

[CATUF]

Maybe you're just as strong as you thought or stronger.  But maybe strength has nothing to do with Recovery.  Maybe weakness is what you need - at least that's what God told Paul: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9

Now, of course, I wasn't there, so I don't now if God really said that or not.  

I was there, however, during the years when I tried to beat addiction with strength.  I was like someone in quicksand - the harder I fought with my strength, the deeper I went and the deeper I went the harder I fought and the deeper I went and the harder I fought . . . . . . .

The same strength that had served me well in every other area of my life almost killed me when it came to addiction.  My addiction didn't give a damn how strong I was - it feeds on strength.  My addiction didn't care how long I would fight - it would fight longer.  My addiction didn't care how smart I was - it didn't "play" smart, so it couldn't be outsmarted.  I gave addiction my best shot with everything I had tried on anything and I got nothing but failure.  It was worse than failure.  

It was such utter, incomprehensible failure that I finally had to just quit.  I "knew" that giving up would mean certain victory for the beast I had been fighting, that I would be completely and forever lost to addiction, but I just didn't care anymore.  But it didn't matter.  Somehow it just didn't matter anymore.  I was too tired to fight anymore, so I literally said what was the unthinkable for me: "I give up - you win."  I was done.  Period.  End of story.

Except it wasn't the end of the story.  Turned out that was the beginning, the first true beginning, of my Recovery story.  I was amazed to discover that once I completly quit fighting addiction, it stopped growing and started backing away.  And the longer I didn't fight, the farther it backed away.
I still don't fight and it's still backing away, but I know that it will quickly be at hand if I ever take the notion that I've become strong enough to go another round.  

At the risk of sounding like a Bible-Thumper, I sign off with passage from Psalms that resonates in my Recovery.  It was written perhaps 3,000 years ago, but it feels like it was written to me:

Some became fools through their rebellious ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.

Psalm 107:17-20

CATUF
Day-783

[Daisy Cr]

you will be ok, i know. you ve been a good support to me and the others, and i will pray, that you feel stronger soon to start it all over. dont disstress yourself, take it easy
we all need you here, and we all wish you the best in this painful journey.
have you tried to cut down on them gradually? maybe thats easier?
please, keep posting us and let us know how you are... like i said,WE ALL NEED YOU HERE!
hugs
d cr

[lil_addict]

Wow, I'm so proud of you for being honest!!  And don't beat yourself up over it.  This is a very hard thing to beat.  I'm having such a hard time.  There will be slip ups.  I've done it so many times.  The most important thing is you are still trying.  Just dust your knees off and get back on and try again.  I just wanted you to know that was a big step admitting your mistake and getting back up.  You are still doing great!!

Big hugz,

Lil.  :)

[lady_m]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful posts and advice.  I had to mentally work some things out, and I still do, but I'm going to be okay.  

Daisy - I didn't take any more after yesterday.  I'm not cutting down nice I slipped up and then stopped.  I don't want any more pills.

Thank you again...

[tzt2lady]

I really cant top or add to the words of wisdom spoken on this thread.   Its all so right on.   I just want you to know that even when our brain knows we are in pain and a pill is justified, our bodies do not.  Our bodies only know it once again has the opiate that it craves.   Thus our active addiction can be set into action all over.  
Im in that mode right now.  I had surgery and I am still on the pills and I still do need them.  I am at the turning point where I need to taper and space out the time in between doese and I swear my body will lie to my brain to the extent that I don't know how much pain im really feeling.   Im not saying this happened with your migraine, I know you were in excruciating pain, Im just saying that our active addiction, once awoken, can tryto start the cycle all over.  
Dont beat yourself up for yesterday.  Screw guilt.  But don't use today.   What Mangee said is something Im going to copy and put in my journal.   We cant let the pill control us.   We are in charge.   For me it takes a power greater than myself, the Creator (or God, or Budhha, or the lampshade as long as it ain't doing dope, whatever)  to help me with the cravings.   So I believe it that very strongly cuz Ive seen it work.

Luv ya lots, sweetie and just get back on that horse and show him whos boss (my grandpa used us kids to train ponies and he'd say that when we would be crying in the dirt from getting thrown)
tzt

[emilyanne]

I'm sorry you fell off the wagon, hun. All I can tell you is to get up, brush yourself off, and keep moving ahead. We've all relapsed before, and I loved Mangees post...he's very wise!! Don't waste another minute regretting it...it won't help, and that state of mind is a dangerous one to be in. Tomorrow is a new day...wake up and start your day pill-free. You CAN do it!! Concentrate on the present...it's all you have! You will never get yesterday back, and you are not promised tomorrow...only now. Do what you have to do, girl! I'm here for you.

[wickedwanderer]

hey there,

like everyone has said...you're just starting over again.  we all have our moments of weakness.  you need to put those pills on strict lock-down girlie :P  seriously though...you are a really strong person and you can start over.  

i'm gonna stop writing because i'm pretty sure i'll just keep repeating what everyone has already told ya, but i wanted you to know that i care.  so "DITTO" on what they said!

mel

[oneway]

honestly you seem to handle it really well.  I usually go bannas when I screwed up and say f*&k the world.  Concentrate on your successes not your failures.

[lady_m]

You are all so wonderful.  The amount of support here is amazing.  I just spent a long night at the ER with my mother in law (she had an allergic reaction to something) but while I was driving home I got excited because I was going to get online and "see" you all.  It really does make my day.

[lady_m]

I usally do too, oneway.  That is one thing I am really working on with myself.  Another is my anger - which I wasn't so successful with tonight.  Something about ERs just bring out the worst in me.  But I'll get there.  Slowly but surely.