Looking for a reason to stop

Hi everyone. I have read here a few times, and appreciate your info. I am a 27 y/o male, married with 2 beautiful daughters. I'm an officer for a large financial firm, and have zero medical knowledge. I have been doing various pills for about 5 years. It began with a surgery where i dontated a kidney to a family member. I didn't know I could feel so good and so happy. The pills were amazing. Everyone I know (my family friends and wife) all thought I stopped taking them after the surgery. I take them at work, no one can tell. I take them out with friends, and no one can tell. I take them at home, no one can tell. So I am looking for a good reason to get off them. I obtain them illegally. I can afford them so money isn't the problem. The problem is that I have never found a reason to get off them.

My kids? Well it hasn't stopped me yet. So will it ever? Good God what is wrong with me?

My job? Hasn't ever gotten in the way yet. I actually think they can enhance my work peformance. Brilliant ideas spill forth in various meetings. I'm fairly sure I would be fired if they knew, but they haven't found out after 5 years...

My morals? In recent years I haven't had as many as I should, and it hasnt stopped me yet. I have been sharing my stash with my assistant. She isn't hooked yet, but enjoys them. I don't even feel guilt for doing this...

My health? This is a really good question. I'm not sure what these are doing to me. I would like to know but can't find a really good answer. (I take 4-5 10/325mg Perc about 3-4 days a week).

If you have any good ideas on a good reason to stop, please share. I have no guilt. I don't understand this.

[lonote]

Well you started out with 2 beautiful daughters.Your health. All the   aboveov tautou. Its not you, its the pills causing you to think the way you are, and everythings all happy and you have energy and its just all distorted when you are on those meds, I start with 4 or 5 percocetts,i hour another 2 or 3 and on in thru the evening up to 16 20 in one day. I came clean with the doctor told him I was abusing
my meds asked about suboxone and it really  helped me out.I've sartedarted weening off of that now. But for me it was the sh--! Welcome to the forum!

[BETZ]

Sounds to me like you have a whole lot of reasons to stop.....i would ASAP if i were you.....
also, you may think folk don't notice but they do.  I thought i was hiding all of that too but i wasn't.  Your true self is not showing thru behind those pills......think about it.  truly.

I will pray for you....God bless.

[lady_m]

First off I really respect you for donating your kidney.  That is HUGE.  

And as far as a reason to stop?  BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.  You know how I know that?  You’re here.

[Calzy]

This is my first time to post so the words might not come out right. Tautou, I would like to give you my reasons why I SHOULD of stopped. I would like to tell you why you are cheating yourself and your cheating on the ones that love you because you are having an affair with your drugs. It is not much different than any other kind of affair. Someone will suffer if it does not stop. I am a 53 y/o male, married for 22 yrs. (separated for 4 yrs.), have 4 kids, 18, 15 and twins 12. I had a good paying job for 18 yrs. as a project mgr. for a large construction co. from 1986 to 2004. My wife took care of me as a good partner should and I tried to do the same. We had a house, nice cars etc. I went to church with the family, took the kids places, went to 1000 little league baseball games with my 3 boys and spoiled my little girl and showed her how a man is suppose to treat a girl so she does not date or marry a jerk. Everything was good but not great. My wife and I always argued over stupid stuff and I would be stressed out big time from my job and with the kids at church or when we would go out. I started having back problem in high school and continued to get worse. I took all kinds of street drugs in HS after my father died when I was 15 and continued into my mid 20's. I joined the navy at 27 and came out clean 4 years later and met my wife soon after. She use to drink to much but quit & would party with some coke now & then but nothing to far. I stayed clean for about 12 yrs and than the drugs started again. My back was killing me and was getting stress headaches so I started taking soma and then Vid and then Lortab 10-500 and over the yrs turned into non stop up until 6 mos ago when I quit. But the damage was done tautou. I too did not tell a soul about my addiction except one other pill popper so I did not run out. My wife knew I was going to the doc and was given some pills but I played it down right away because I was hooked again. I contined to take large amounts of lortab (avg 20/dy). I could hide my addiction for about 10 yrs but than the wheels started to come off. I was either up and running if I was using or down and way out if I ran out. I was showing no affection to my wife and she was into major attention so we fall apart year after year. My wife would ask what is wrong with me all the time and I had the standard answer, nothing, or I am just tried or I just dont feel good. She wanting me to have an MRI of my head or take some anti- depress. By the end of are relationship 4-5 yrs ago, I was in bed every min of the day I was not working. And I spent more time in bed because I could not wk more and more from wd's. I worked with the same bunch of people for a long time but they were getting tried of me missing work and acting off the wall. My kids were all good to me and would sit with me while I layed in bed with a pillow or towel over my head and out of it. Both my wife and I had family out of state so there was not any support there and they did'nt know what was going on anyway. So as it goes with a love affair with drugs, my wife felt she had to find another man to meet her needs which she has. Not until she left me did I tell her about all the years of drug abuse I did and it blew her mind. She was so mad at me for lying to her all those years that nothing could change the way she feels about me.   I was more or less given the pink slip ( they gave me less & less to do and so I made less $$). Most of my friends were from work so when I left there so went my friends. I have had 3 others jobs in the last 4 yrs & each has been for less & less $$ and now I get paid commission only. I have only made 10 grand this yr and with 4 kids I not mading it!! I had some what of a break down this last Feb and I lost my pill connection with the doc and I dont have the $$. I got on Methadone and I hope to quit that soon. If I could of just told the truth to the main people in my life that they would of helped me and my road would be alot smoother.  tautao, when people take drugs they are just beating the odds now, but your luck could run out like mine did. Take Care      

[tautou]

thank you. ive read your post about 5 times...   :(

[tautou]

after reading various posts here for a few hours, i dont think i am ready to stop. i enjoy it far too much. and its only on some days that i wish i didnt do it...

[tautou]

sorry cathy i meant that i am not ready to quit the pills... im enjoying them too much...

everyone says you need to REALLY want to stop... some days i do, most days I dont...

[tautou]

but yes, everyone is so great here. :)

[lonote]

See how many people are feeling you? I could read these posts for hours too!          Cathy

[lonote]

Well I can apperciate your honesty.

[shelby74]

Hi there,

The one reason to stop - they will adventually ruin your life.  Even if you do not think that now.  There are long term health affects as well.  Please continue to read the stories of everyone here - nothing good will ever come of using.  The more time that passes the harder it gets and the more of your life it eats away.  The emotions you think you are feeling now are not your own.  Life is so much happier sober.  The high from opiates is fake - it will adventually deaden you inside so you care about nothing.  I am sorry if this is harsh but i am not myself tonight.  I have been addicted for 10 years and they have caused me nothing but pain.

take care,

shel

[marcatj]

the reason is, you are not living an "authentic" life on them.  for you, or for your daughters...

[lady_m]

My kids are still young enough for me to get clean and not grow up knowing they have an addicted mother, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could have every single second back that I've taken from them.  I thought I was a "good" mother when I was on them because I had more energy or patience or whatever the case was.  But that's not me.  That's not who their mother is, and they deserve to know her - and most of all be loved by her.  Completely and truly.  And if I'm not the kind of mother I want to be when I don't take the pills I need to do something about it.  Maybe I need to learn more  patience, or get off my butt and do more, but turning to a pill to magically become someone else is not fair to me, or to them.  I have wasted so much time, effort and money on this addiction.  If they can't be proud of their mom and dad, that should tell us something.  They might not know about my addiction now, but I promise if I don't stay clean they will one day.  And I want to give them the best example I can of what path to chose in life.  I would never want to show them this path.  What you do can and will affect them for the rest of their lives.  I can deal with messing up my life.  I CAN'T deal with messing up theirs.

[Calzy]

I understand where you are coming from tautou, why quit something that feels so good. I did and said the same for a long time too. I am just wondering what brought you to a addiction forum like this if every thing is so great? I don't know anyone who continued to use pills at a high rate that did/nt have trouble with them. Did you start off taking as many pills as you take now? I would get sick to my stomach sometimes and throw up the pills when I first started and took to much. After awhile I got use to them and had to take 2 at a time than 3 than - - -. I think you are having some control problems and you came to an addiction site the same as I did looking for some answers. I see you saying thanks but no thanks to everyone who has posted and has offered a glimse into the future of drug use. This forum would not exist if drugs did not ruin lives in 1 way or another. I care about you tautou and dont stop asking questions here and try to confide in someone you know who does not use.     Later

[oneway]

smart people learn from their mistakes.  wise people learn from other peoples mistakes.  Why don't you stop now and save yourself a whole bunch of withdrawal and h*ll in the future.  Read some of the stories on here and maybe it will open up your eyes to what your future holds.  Trust me I had a lot of money at one time and eventually all went to pills.

[LIZZIE LOU]

if you want a good reason to stop...then look in the mirror.    that face looking back at you is a shell of who you used to be.    reclaim your life...reclaim that person who is in that mirror.

kim

[mrslemoine021]

Please read my story, it should be on page 9, maybe 10 by now.  Pills changed my life completely.

[hawkeye77]

You want to quit or you wouldn't be at this forum. Do you really think nothing is going to happen? It will take more and more to get you the same high and stronger and stronger drugs. You have to want to stop and just do it. You don't sound like your ready yet, but believe me some day you will want to stop and the longer you go the harder it gets.

[pppp]

QUIT FOR YOUR HEALTH!!  IN THE LONG RUN YOU WILL WISH LIKE HELL YOU DIDN'T FEEL SO GOOD FROM TAKING THEM BECAUSE YOU WILL FEEL LIKE ****!!! Do me a favor, go without taking them untill you start to have withdrawls. then let me know how you feel, because that is ONLY the beggining of it!!!! BTW yes I'm being mean....cause I care...for you, your kids, your wife, and for the secret your hiding from all of them!  

[misscloey]

You really need to get a grip. You are here asking for help, yet you have so many excuses for not stopping. How about living to see your children live their lives, how about sitting in a church pew with your family knowing you are a fake,and deceitful. I am not bashing you, I have been right where you are except with meth. My Husband too! The absolute worst years of our lives. We lost EVERYTHING. House, jobs, friends, money EVERYTHING!! The only thing we didn't lose was our ability to love each other and our ability to be strong enough to do what was right for our family(we have 2 children) We decided that the ONLY way top stop the madness was to remove ourselves completely from it. We moved 2300 miles away. It worked, but it took lots of hard work, lots of love and a new group of people that did not live that lifestyle. You sound like you have everything that most want Tatou, why would you throw it all away over some pills? You can be happy without drugs I promise.  

[pppp]

WELL PUT!!!