Aa
Need to talk
I have been addicted to Vicodin for nearly 4 years. I started taking it for migraines and just like everyone else I had to keep taking more and more to get that "good" feeling. I no longer need it for my migraines (well I mean I guess I technically do) but now it is no longer about physical pain but almost immediately it took away my emotional pain. My marriage sucks! It has for well about 4 years!...as you can tell, you do the math! When I take vicodin I don't care....we get along terrifically. Over the 4 years I slowly went up and up and then after I had my daughter nearly 2 years ago I started taking it again. When I found out I was pregnant I of course stopped taking it and became VERY ill. At the time I blamed it on the pregancy but about a year later after my 2nd or 3rd detox (ie. running out of pills) I realized I was so sick because I was having serious withdrawals. So I didn't take anything while I was pregnant but then I got hooked again accidentally after I had my daughter. In the hospital they of course gave me pain medication (percocet) then left there with a Rx for vicodin. Immediately started taking them and haven't stopped since. I have ran out of pills so many times. This is probably my tenth time or so of detoxing and as sad as it seems it gets easier and easier. Not the craving part...that never goes away, well not for me at least! Recently I got my doctor to prescribe darvocet, a weaker opiod, in hopes that I could get off vicodin but nope, just got hooked on both! I would take the darvocet when I didn't have vicodin. Well now I am out of both. Today is the first day of not having any but like I said I have gone through this so many times that I know exactly what to expect. I just feel like I can't be a good person, function normally without them. I know that is what an addiciton is but it still sucks to feel this way. I am a great person, a great mom, have a great career but just don't feel like I can be a great everything without them. I am basically a single parent because my husband is a long haul truck driver and my daughter she's wonderful but she's not easy in any way shape or form. It is so hard to feel like **** and have to take care of her. I know I am letting her down and more importantly I have let myself down. I know I need help but my life does not allow me to go and submit myself into a treatment program. Not only can I not pay for it but mainly I have no one to care for my daughter and I have to work. Not many people know about my problem, a few but not many. I just need to talk. Get my thoughts written down, I'm so glad this is annonymous. Honestly I feel a little better. Would love to have someone to talk to though.
Hi Who,
My day has been ok. The boyfriend's interview seems to have gone ok, but I guess we shall soon find out. Did you get through your day ok?
I was trying to just slow down on the tramadol, since i wasn't going to be able to get any till next week and I didn't get that much Vicoprofen. But I think I'm going to be able to get some tramadol tomorrow. I would really love to start the taper off process, but I have such little self-control.
My house is spotless right now...yeah Vicoprofen! But I totally know what you mean, girl. There have been times when dishes and trash pile up in my bedroom!
My boyfriend is NOT your typical "romantic". Sometimes he'll get me a little something, but since he's short on funds right now, all I got was a small dinner. That's ok though, many time he does make up for it in other ways. Have you spoken with your husband? When will you see him again? I can't imagine being on the road nonstop like that for months at a time. It seems like he stays gone longer than regular long haulers (?). How often do you speak with him?
What time zone are you in? I think I saw something about you being in CA. Are you still awake? Let's talk about getting set up with messenger or something.
My day has been ok. The boyfriend's interview seems to have gone ok, but I guess we shall soon find out. Did you get through your day ok?
I was trying to just slow down on the tramadol, since i wasn't going to be able to get any till next week and I didn't get that much Vicoprofen. But I think I'm going to be able to get some tramadol tomorrow. I would really love to start the taper off process, but I have such little self-control.
My house is spotless right now...yeah Vicoprofen! But I totally know what you mean, girl. There have been times when dishes and trash pile up in my bedroom!
My boyfriend is NOT your typical "romantic". Sometimes he'll get me a little something, but since he's short on funds right now, all I got was a small dinner. That's ok though, many time he does make up for it in other ways. Have you spoken with your husband? When will you see him again? I can't imagine being on the road nonstop like that for months at a time. It seems like he stays gone longer than regular long haulers (?). How often do you speak with him?
What time zone are you in? I think I saw something about you being in CA. Are you still awake? Let's talk about getting set up with messenger or something.
I know it does suck not being able to see when you are actually on. We could always sign up for like an IM...I have AOL but I'm sure I can look into what is it yahoo or something like that.
So you took your last pills at 8:30 last night or are you just trying to get yourself through with just a little bit this weekend? I'm really not looking forward to this weekend. It's a 3 day weekend which most people love, and I do to, when I have my pills. But at least when I'm at work my mind gets so preoccupied that I don't think about it as much as when I'm home. When I'm home I can't my mind on anything else. Like you said before you feel like you can't do anything without them. My house is a ******* disaster, it's trash night tonight and I feel like someone is asking me to go jump off a roof just to take out the damn trash. It's not that hard but I don't want to. Oh yeah and I have to do laundry. I have nothing to wear. And yep don't want to do that either. I know I need to push myself and just do it but like I said just to do 2 simple household chores feels like someone is asking me to write a scientific journal ...am I making sense?
So how was your day? DId your boyfriend's interview go well? Is he the romantic kind and you guys have this wonderful Valentine's Day?
I actually wrote down my thoughts today at work, it made me feel better. I guess I'll be posting that soon in my journals.
Talk to you soon :)
So you took your last pills at 8:30 last night or are you just trying to get yourself through with just a little bit this weekend? I'm really not looking forward to this weekend. It's a 3 day weekend which most people love, and I do to, when I have my pills. But at least when I'm at work my mind gets so preoccupied that I don't think about it as much as when I'm home. When I'm home I can't my mind on anything else. Like you said before you feel like you can't do anything without them. My house is a ******* disaster, it's trash night tonight and I feel like someone is asking me to go jump off a roof just to take out the damn trash. It's not that hard but I don't want to. Oh yeah and I have to do laundry. I have nothing to wear. And yep don't want to do that either. I know I need to push myself and just do it but like I said just to do 2 simple household chores feels like someone is asking me to write a scientific journal ...am I making sense?
So how was your day? DId your boyfriend's interview go well? Is he the romantic kind and you guys have this wonderful Valentine's Day?
I actually wrote down my thoughts today at work, it made me feel better. I guess I'll be posting that soon in my journals.
Talk to you soon :)
It's so frustrating that we can't talk in real time. Not 30 minutes after I decided to go to bed, you posted. Grr..
I hope last night may just have been the worst regarding your wd's. Maybe the worst is over? I realized I needed to make my current meds last me through the weekend, so I started slowing down. Took my last dose at about 8pm...and when I woke up at 930am, I could already feel the wds. This has gotten so bad for me, not sure what to do. It's so difficult to exercise a little self-control when you feel like ***!
I hope last night may just have been the worst regarding your wd's. Maybe the worst is over? I realized I needed to make my current meds last me through the weekend, so I started slowing down. Took my last dose at about 8pm...and when I woke up at 930am, I could already feel the wds. This has gotten so bad for me, not sure what to do. It's so difficult to exercise a little self-control when you feel like ***!
You are a good man. I hope you have a great Valentine's Day!
I'm hoping tomorrow goes by as fast as possible! :o(
I'm hoping tomorrow goes by as fast as possible! :o(
Hi Who, just got this post. I'd left to go home and realized, I left my wife Valentine's day card at work. I thought I'd fire the computer up to see if you got my last message and you did. So, your husband knows. I;m sorry he seems hazy on the things that he can do to ease your stresses. There is more for him to do than stay out of the way, or not make waves. He needs to love you, feel for you and listen. Sometimes a silent hug helps more than anything at that particular time.
Funny you end your post about the children. My wife has really done a concerted job of focusing on our children in the past couple of weeks. Maybe you're psychic in an internet sort of way??? :-)
Gotta go now. I want to crawl in and kiss my wife goodnight,say my prayers and hope tomorrow is better than today for us.
Oh, God must have sent me this Valentine's day card for her.
It reads:
Our Love can be romatic, our love can be routine, Our love can be a message on the answering machine. Our love can be a whisper, our love can be a touch, Our love can get us through the days that we don't like so much
Our love can be I'm sorry", our love can be a smile, Our love can be "I need to be alone awhile. Our love can be imperfect, our love can be ideal, but most of all our love can last because our love is real.
Take care. :-)
Funny you end your post about the children. My wife has really done a concerted job of focusing on our children in the past couple of weeks. Maybe you're psychic in an internet sort of way??? :-)
Gotta go now. I want to crawl in and kiss my wife goodnight,say my prayers and hope tomorrow is better than today for us.
Oh, God must have sent me this Valentine's day card for her.
It reads:
Our Love can be romatic, our love can be routine, Our love can be a message on the answering machine. Our love can be a whisper, our love can be a touch, Our love can get us through the days that we don't like so much
Our love can be I'm sorry", our love can be a smile, Our love can be "I need to be alone awhile. Our love can be imperfect, our love can be ideal, but most of all our love can last because our love is real.
Take care. :-)
Oh he knows! I've cried out literally to him and emotionally (in my head) which obviously he doesn't know but as a woman a man should be able to read your mind!!! LOL
About half the time when I'm wd-ing I tell him. I tell him how ****** I'm feeling. I tell him what he needs to do to help me to get through it and what he needs to do for awhile to help me stay off. To me he never does it, maybe in his mind he does. A week and a half ago when he was home he found my bottle. He literally knows all my hiding spots obviously or he could be looking like you have for your wife (which I'm sure is the case). He has never put me down, made me feel bad for taking them, but at the same time he has never tried to help me get off them either. He has slightly educated himself on vicodin but when I tell him that, for example, I need you to not cause any "waves" for awhile. I need to stay as stress-free as possible so it makes it some-what easier for me to stay off. That doesn't last long. Usually right after I say something like that he loses another job, won't help with the house or our daughter, puts us in more debt, etc., etc., etc. That has always been my excuse....him being my excuse! :) But I just realized yesterday that he is just that an excuse for me to take these pills...it is my fault I take them, no one else's. No one can help me but myself. I started looking back on previous forum posts and going to people's pages on here and nearly every single person who has got clean from these pills had to realize that they are the only ones that can help themselves. I did just realize this on my own, but again I don't know if I will be able to stop this time, but I'm glad I realized this, maybe it's a step in the right direction? Your wife is going to have to realize this too. No matter what you do, what you say, she is the only one person who can help her. I've always heard that you have to hit rock bottom before you clean up. I've hit some hard bottom's but I don't know if I've hit "that" one. But then just recently I heard something that really changed my mind about this whole rock bottom thing. They said that rock-bottom doesn't always have to be hospitalization, OD, or jail but could be a motivation to improve their lives for their children. I do agree because I am realizing that I need to get clean for myself first but if I do get better for myself then it will make me a better mom. Do you understand what I mean? You need to get clean for yourself first and fore most but when you do get clean for yourself you are doing it for your children.
About half the time when I'm wd-ing I tell him. I tell him how ****** I'm feeling. I tell him what he needs to do to help me to get through it and what he needs to do for awhile to help me stay off. To me he never does it, maybe in his mind he does. A week and a half ago when he was home he found my bottle. He literally knows all my hiding spots obviously or he could be looking like you have for your wife (which I'm sure is the case). He has never put me down, made me feel bad for taking them, but at the same time he has never tried to help me get off them either. He has slightly educated himself on vicodin but when I tell him that, for example, I need you to not cause any "waves" for awhile. I need to stay as stress-free as possible so it makes it some-what easier for me to stay off. That doesn't last long. Usually right after I say something like that he loses another job, won't help with the house or our daughter, puts us in more debt, etc., etc., etc. That has always been my excuse....him being my excuse! :) But I just realized yesterday that he is just that an excuse for me to take these pills...it is my fault I take them, no one else's. No one can help me but myself. I started looking back on previous forum posts and going to people's pages on here and nearly every single person who has got clean from these pills had to realize that they are the only ones that can help themselves. I did just realize this on my own, but again I don't know if I will be able to stop this time, but I'm glad I realized this, maybe it's a step in the right direction? Your wife is going to have to realize this too. No matter what you do, what you say, she is the only one person who can help her. I've always heard that you have to hit rock bottom before you clean up. I've hit some hard bottom's but I don't know if I've hit "that" one. But then just recently I heard something that really changed my mind about this whole rock bottom thing. They said that rock-bottom doesn't always have to be hospitalization, OD, or jail but could be a motivation to improve their lives for their children. I do agree because I am realizing that I need to get clean for myself first but if I do get better for myself then it will make me a better mom. Do you understand what I mean? You need to get clean for yourself first and fore most but when you do get clean for yourself you are doing it for your children.
Glad to render aid whenever possible. Sometimes I wonder if I just ramble, making sense only to me as I do it.
The Alecia Keyes song you mentioned, my wife loved it when it came out too. I hope
she's not thinking of V when it plays, but it makes me wonder now that you've said it.
I'm still unclear (call me stupid), but does your husband know of your addiction and have you verbalized "I need your help" or are you speaking only in terms of "crying out" inside
and him missing the mark or being in the dark discussing the problems he sees without knowing THE problem specifically?
The Alecia Keyes song you mentioned, my wife loved it when it came out too. I hope
she's not thinking of V when it plays, but it makes me wonder now that you've said it.
I'm still unclear (call me stupid), but does your husband know of your addiction and have you verbalized "I need your help" or are you speaking only in terms of "crying out" inside
and him missing the mark or being in the dark discussing the problems he sees without knowing THE problem specifically?
Thank you to both of you. You guys make me laugh, make me think, make me feel like I'm not alone. I actually fell asleep with my daughter at 7:30! I was so damn tired! But now I'm back up because I couldn't stop coughing. Not sure if it is from wd's or if I now have a cold.
I must say I'm ashamed of myself. I went to my mom's house to scavenge and of course couldn't find anything. In the back of my mind I was almost hoping to not find anything, but at the same time, would have done anything to have found some.
Do I want to clean up? Like I keep saying, I do but I don't. I do because I feel hopeful having found this place knowing I'm not alone and when I post I feel so much better and it gets me through that moment. But then I don't because I love those ******* pills! Honestly only time will tell. Beenthere you are not a bad influence on me!!!! You have helped me more than you'll ever know. I have been more honest on here with you than ever....ever...ever before! It has made me think so much more clearer getting this **** off my chest.
Mustang you have inspired me knowing that there are good men out there and has made me think that my husband has tried doing the same type of things, maybe not exactly going on a forum discussing it, but maybe has done similar things as you in his mind or with others. I don't know. I have cried out to him so many times before to help me get off vicodin...I don't feel like he does...BUT since my eyes have opened up so much from being on here that I'm thinking maybe in HIS OWN WAY he has done similar things. Do you know what I mean? I'm so tired right now so I'm hoping my thoughts are coming out correctly :) Basically what I am saying is thank you! I think about you both ALL day, wondering how you are, what you are thinking, what has happened in the last few hours with you since I've been on.
I will probably be on for a little while longer because man I can't stop coughing!
I must say I'm ashamed of myself. I went to my mom's house to scavenge and of course couldn't find anything. In the back of my mind I was almost hoping to not find anything, but at the same time, would have done anything to have found some.
Do I want to clean up? Like I keep saying, I do but I don't. I do because I feel hopeful having found this place knowing I'm not alone and when I post I feel so much better and it gets me through that moment. But then I don't because I love those ******* pills! Honestly only time will tell. Beenthere you are not a bad influence on me!!!! You have helped me more than you'll ever know. I have been more honest on here with you than ever....ever...ever before! It has made me think so much more clearer getting this **** off my chest.
Mustang you have inspired me knowing that there are good men out there and has made me think that my husband has tried doing the same type of things, maybe not exactly going on a forum discussing it, but maybe has done similar things as you in his mind or with others. I don't know. I have cried out to him so many times before to help me get off vicodin...I don't feel like he does...BUT since my eyes have opened up so much from being on here that I'm thinking maybe in HIS OWN WAY he has done similar things. Do you know what I mean? I'm so tired right now so I'm hoping my thoughts are coming out correctly :) Basically what I am saying is thank you! I think about you both ALL day, wondering how you are, what you are thinking, what has happened in the last few hours with you since I've been on.
I will probably be on for a little while longer because man I can't stop coughing!
I'm hoping you were able to get some rest. Please let me know how you are doing in the morning, possibly before you go to work? I'm worried. I will be up early, and I will be working from home, so I will check back often. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed to talk. Today was the anniversary of the worst day of my life and, try as I might, I just couldn't get through the whole day without breaking down a little bit. But I feel like we really do relate in so many ways, I guess I'm letting myself be a little more worried than I should be. Can't help it...I have a mushy heart (as my boyfriend says).
He, by the way, is why I'm taking off work tomorrow. He's got a job interview and he really needs this one. He's very hi-anxiety, hi-strung...like a chihuahua! Lol Only bigger! Lol! Picture a 220lb chihuahua with blue eyes, glasses and a buddah belly. That's him!
Anyway, sorry, just thought I'd try and make you laugh. I'm really good at getting him calmed down and focused so I'll be working from home.
Let me know...
He, by the way, is why I'm taking off work tomorrow. He's got a job interview and he really needs this one. He's very hi-anxiety, hi-strung...like a chihuahua! Lol Only bigger! Lol! Picture a 220lb chihuahua with blue eyes, glasses and a buddah belly. That's him!
Anyway, sorry, just thought I'd try and make you laugh. I'm really good at getting him calmed down and focused so I'll be working from home.
Let me know...
Hi Who, just read your post on your marriage & husband situation. As you know by now, I tend to see in black & white and lay it our with specifics. I'm wondering how long you you have been married? You posted that you'd been medicating for 4 years. Does your husband know about your addiction? You said you medicated to be with him even before your daughter if I recall correctly. After so many posts & intertwine conversations, I may be wrong. I guess the obvious question from a straightforward look is...what does your husband add to your and your daughter's life? You laid out very clearly that he is not involved. Seeing him 5 days since October seems like separated instead of married.
I can't relate to him not interacting with his daughter. I took a month off each time we had a child. It was an awesome experience. You deserve to be important and so does your daughter. A father is a huge guide in a child's life. Some days my kids' question count from the kids goes into 4 digit range. They learn, and remember and can guage more in an adult's tone & demeaner that they are sometimes given credit. I know how it feels to tune out questions after a long day and see a child's self esteem deflate when they get a short, dismissive answer.Thankfully, they are quick to forgive and eat up affection like a sponge. I tend to expect a lot from my kids. To my wife's credit, she was the one who told me repeatedly, I was over-expectatious. Obviously, that has been a problem in our marriage also. My fault. Leaves her feeling like she's set up for disappointing me if she's less than perfect. There's a snap-shot of me at not my finest.
However, I feel like I've really worked on that aspect with my wife and children. Problem is, my wife is type A, perfection driven without my prodding. How do you think "WE" feel when "WE" fail? It's not pretty. We kick ourselves when we're down, trying to comfort each other, but still come out often as feeling we've failed each other which is the greatest part of the disappointment involved. We both feel intensly that we've hurt the other terribly and want to do anything to make it better. Noble, but unrealistic. I feel badly for you that your husband is absent. Even when he's there, he's not. You deserve
more than you're getting.
I can't relate to him not interacting with his daughter. I took a month off each time we had a child. It was an awesome experience. You deserve to be important and so does your daughter. A father is a huge guide in a child's life. Some days my kids' question count from the kids goes into 4 digit range. They learn, and remember and can guage more in an adult's tone & demeaner that they are sometimes given credit. I know how it feels to tune out questions after a long day and see a child's self esteem deflate when they get a short, dismissive answer.Thankfully, they are quick to forgive and eat up affection like a sponge. I tend to expect a lot from my kids. To my wife's credit, she was the one who told me repeatedly, I was over-expectatious. Obviously, that has been a problem in our marriage also. My fault. Leaves her feeling like she's set up for disappointing me if she's less than perfect. There's a snap-shot of me at not my finest.
However, I feel like I've really worked on that aspect with my wife and children. Problem is, my wife is type A, perfection driven without my prodding. How do you think "WE" feel when "WE" fail? It's not pretty. We kick ourselves when we're down, trying to comfort each other, but still come out often as feeling we've failed each other which is the greatest part of the disappointment involved. We both feel intensly that we've hurt the other terribly and want to do anything to make it better. Noble, but unrealistic. I feel badly for you that your husband is absent. Even when he's there, he's not. You deserve
more than you're getting.
I hope you are still there. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now, I wish I could help! That's the one thing about this site, I feel so helpless. I was re-reading some of our previous posts, and I realized that you said you were trying to clean up. I don't want to be a bad influence on you (sunce I'm just not ready yet).
Have you slept? I'm sure you've tried everything, but sleeping is the only advice I can offer. Try EVERYTHING to sleep! Hot showers, cold showers, Ambien, working out?, talking to a friend on the phone. Talking on the phone helps time go by so quick.
I do know how you feel...those urges, trying to think of any way to get you through them. Do you have insurance? One of the ways I got more was that I went to one of those urgent care clinics with whatever major pain I could think of, requesting something for the pain just until "I can get in to see my doctor".
But if you do something like that, I would strongly urge you pace yourself and really try to clean up, since I believe that is what you want to do. I'm going to post this and check back, to see if you're still up. I'm here.
Have you slept? I'm sure you've tried everything, but sleeping is the only advice I can offer. Try EVERYTHING to sleep! Hot showers, cold showers, Ambien, working out?, talking to a friend on the phone. Talking on the phone helps time go by so quick.
I do know how you feel...those urges, trying to think of any way to get you through them. Do you have insurance? One of the ways I got more was that I went to one of those urgent care clinics with whatever major pain I could think of, requesting something for the pain just until "I can get in to see my doctor".
But if you do something like that, I would strongly urge you pace yourself and really try to clean up, since I believe that is what you want to do. I'm going to post this and check back, to see if you're still up. I'm here.
Hi Who,
Sorry to leave you hangin, I'm typing a response right now, but I just wanted to send this to let you know I'm here
Sorry to leave you hangin, I'm typing a response right now, but I just wanted to send this to let you know I'm here
I'm having a really, really bad time right now. I want to get in the car and go over to my mom's and raid her house looking for anything possible. Although she has hidden everything, very well I might say. She has never confronted me about it but I know she knows. She has some good **** too! I'm pretty sure she's an addict too but I have snuck over there so many times to scavenge that she caught on and like I said she hides her **** really well. She might even have it in her car. God I just want to get in my car and go over there, she's at work....agh! Why do I have such an intense urge right now. Not really having wd symptoms just the ******* brain wants it so bad. I was actually on a website right now to see if I can order some stuff from an online foreign pharmacy. Everything requires a fee first before you can access any websites...I'm scared that I'm going to pay the fee just to not get any results. And then what if I do find pharmacy's that will ship to me but then I heard that if the US border find out they confiscate it. I'm desperate but I don't know if it will work. aggghhhhhhhhhghghshshdhfkjfsdhsdkjfhsdkjnfskjsddfn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You crack me up!!! Yeah I have a whole medicine cabinet of bottles. I actually opened it yesterday and for the first time said out loud...damn that's a lot of prescriptions! And a lot of OTC stuff too! But what followed was, I wish one of them were an opiod of some sort! I do have ambien Rx too but it really doesn't do anything more for me than tylenol pm so that's usually what I end up taking.
Today was kind of a tough one for me. I still feel like ****, but not that bad, I just can't get the mental cravings out. I know you know what I'm talking about, it ******* sucks! I can't think about anything else...nada! Every love song I hear on the radio I relate it for my love of vicodin...LOL. It's so stupid...the new Alicia Keyes song, No One, yep listened to it and my no one else is vicodin!
When I say this **** out loud it sounds so retarded but yet it is oh so true. Saying it "out loud" (typing) it makes me feel better though because it does sound stupid but as soon as I stop then my scavenging for something to make me feel better goes on.
Today was kind of a tough one for me. I still feel like ****, but not that bad, I just can't get the mental cravings out. I know you know what I'm talking about, it ******* sucks! I can't think about anything else...nada! Every love song I hear on the radio I relate it for my love of vicodin...LOL. It's so stupid...the new Alicia Keyes song, No One, yep listened to it and my no one else is vicodin!
When I say this **** out loud it sounds so retarded but yet it is oh so true. Saying it "out loud" (typing) it makes me feel better though because it does sound stupid but as soon as I stop then my scavenging for something to make me feel better goes on.
Hi Who,
I thought I was the only one that could take a ton of pills and feel almost no effect whatsoever. That's what sucks about the Tramadol and Vicodin...I have to take so much of it these days. That gets really expensive! I can't afford it anymore :).
No doubt the insomnia is from the wd. I wish you had something stonger to help you sleep. What I've done in the past is to get some type of anti-anxiety or sleeping meds (ambien and xanax work well for me) to help me just sleep and sleep through the wd. If I feel guilty about anything, it's that I'm such a pill-popper. I don't know when that started, really. Got cramps? Take a pill. Headache? Pill. Can't go to sleep? Got a pill for that, too. Can't wake up? Yup, another one for that. Oy.
Yeah I'd be hesitant about chatting about this kind of stuff while at your work. I just read late last night the part about what you do for a living. Honestly, how anyone manages to be a teacher and not be medicated, is totally beyond me, especially in this day and age. Don't feel bad, you're not alone. There's all sorts of completely responsible, functional people out there who just need a little extra to get through their day.
Don't know how to chat otherwise, unless we exchange email addresses or something. Do you chat online? Like with instant messenger?
I thought I was the only one that could take a ton of pills and feel almost no effect whatsoever. That's what sucks about the Tramadol and Vicodin...I have to take so much of it these days. That gets really expensive! I can't afford it anymore :).
No doubt the insomnia is from the wd. I wish you had something stonger to help you sleep. What I've done in the past is to get some type of anti-anxiety or sleeping meds (ambien and xanax work well for me) to help me just sleep and sleep through the wd. If I feel guilty about anything, it's that I'm such a pill-popper. I don't know when that started, really. Got cramps? Take a pill. Headache? Pill. Can't go to sleep? Got a pill for that, too. Can't wake up? Yup, another one for that. Oy.
Yeah I'd be hesitant about chatting about this kind of stuff while at your work. I just read late last night the part about what you do for a living. Honestly, how anyone manages to be a teacher and not be medicated, is totally beyond me, especially in this day and age. Don't feel bad, you're not alone. There's all sorts of completely responsible, functional people out there who just need a little extra to get through their day.
Don't know how to chat otherwise, unless we exchange email addresses or something. Do you chat online? Like with instant messenger?
Just saw you posted...I'm going to try and get to sleep soon but still not tired at all, even after 4 tylenol pm. I've always had such a high tolerance for pills. I can take so much of them and not get even the same effects from someone who takes one. But I think the main reason I'm not tired is it is just part of the wd.
Yeah I was working all day and can't get on the website (it's blocked) and honestly even if it wasn't blocked I still don't know if I'd go on because they monitor the sites visited so much that I don't want to get caught, looked down upon, etc.
It's good that you got into the dentist for the Rx, hopefully that will hold you over :) Is there a way for us to talk privately without having to post it on a forum where everyone can see?
Yeah I was working all day and can't get on the website (it's blocked) and honestly even if it wasn't blocked I still don't know if I'd go on because they monitor the sites visited so much that I don't want to get caught, looked down upon, etc.
It's good that you got into the dentist for the Rx, hopefully that will hold you over :) Is there a way for us to talk privately without having to post it on a forum where everyone can see?
Hi!
I finally got my boyfriend in the shower, he's so depressed right now. Don't know if you're still up, but I've only got a few minutes right now. I was glued to the computer while at work but I guess you were working too. I started to feel a little wd symptoms today, but I got a different doctor (my dentist) to give me some vicoprofen so that's why he only gave me a little bit. I'll check back in a little bit to see if you're still up (I go to bed late) but if not, I hope you have a restful night and will hopefully chat with you some more tomorrow.
I finally got my boyfriend in the shower, he's so depressed right now. Don't know if you're still up, but I've only got a few minutes right now. I was glued to the computer while at work but I guess you were working too. I started to feel a little wd symptoms today, but I got a different doctor (my dentist) to give me some vicoprofen so that's why he only gave me a little bit. I'll check back in a little bit to see if you're still up (I go to bed late) but if not, I hope you have a restful night and will hopefully chat with you some more tomorrow.
I'm so glad you got back on! I've been glued to this thing all afternoon! I've posted other updates (or whatever they are called) on the other forum, just did a journal entry and in the last few hours I've felt ******* awesome! Ok, ok, ok maybe I'm over exaggerating, but I can't believe this place can get my head clear...it's so weird. I wish your boyfriend would go to sleep or something so you can get back on :) Glad you got a small refill...why was it small? Did the doctor not approve it or did he say to not refill the whole amount?
Yeah so my night last night sucked, sleeping wise. I've been awake since 1 am! I'm hoping tonight goes better. About 3 hours ago I didn't think I was going to be able to sleep but now I'm not so sure. My legs aren't that bad anymore (just stopped so not sure if the RLS will come back tonight or not) but I'm just not tired....total insomnia feeling although it is still only 8:00 here...I guess time will tell. I really do want to sleep but over the past few years it really doesn't **** me off unless I'm tired the next day and usually I'm not.
I've been thinking about you a lot today too, wondering how you are, if you ran out, feeling any wd's...also been thinking about the mustang guy. It is so weird to me that all of us around the US have this common bond of something...
well there are so many DIFFERENT types of words to describe an opiate addiction, ya know what I mean :)
Yeah so my night last night sucked, sleeping wise. I've been awake since 1 am! I'm hoping tonight goes better. About 3 hours ago I didn't think I was going to be able to sleep but now I'm not so sure. My legs aren't that bad anymore (just stopped so not sure if the RLS will come back tonight or not) but I'm just not tired....total insomnia feeling although it is still only 8:00 here...I guess time will tell. I really do want to sleep but over the past few years it really doesn't **** me off unless I'm tired the next day and usually I'm not.
I've been thinking about you a lot today too, wondering how you are, if you ran out, feeling any wd's...also been thinking about the mustang guy. It is so weird to me that all of us around the US have this common bond of something...
well there are so many DIFFERENT types of words to describe an opiate addiction, ya know what I mean :)
Hi Who
I'm trying to type really fast before my boyfriend walks in (lol), he's been clingy today. I can't tell if you had a good day or crappy one, but it sounds like the day has gotten a little better. How did you sleep? Did you take that otc stuff for your legs and if so, did it work? I thought about you last night, wondered if you were up all night. I got a small refill today (ugh).
I'm trying to type really fast before my boyfriend walks in (lol), he's been clingy today. I can't tell if you had a good day or crappy one, but it sounds like the day has gotten a little better. How did you sleep? Did you take that otc stuff for your legs and if so, did it work? I thought about you last night, wondered if you were up all night. I got a small refill today (ugh).
Hi Who
I'm trying to type really fast before my boyfriend walks in (lol), he's been clingy today. I can't tell if you had a good day or crappy one, but it sounds like the day has gotten a little better. How did you sleep? Did you take that otc stuff for your legs and if so, did it work? I thought about you last night, wondered if you were up all night. I got a small refill today (ugh).
I'm trying to type really fast before my boyfriend walks in (lol), he's been clingy today. I can't tell if you had a good day or crappy one, but it sounds like the day has gotten a little better. How did you sleep? Did you take that otc stuff for your legs and if so, did it work? I thought about you last night, wondered if you were up all night. I got a small refill today (ugh).
One thing I forgot to address is your question about guilt. Do I feel guilty? Some times I do and sometimes I don't. When I'm at the pharmacy or at the doctor's asking for it, no. I feel accomplished honestly. When I do feel most guilty is when I take too much, feel ill, can't tend to my daughter, or impatient with my students. Yes, something I wasn't going to mention is I'm an elementary school teacher. People have such a heroic image of teachers but we are just normal ol' people ourselves :) I wasn't planning on telling that side of myself but hell I've told the rest of my story why not that? I wanted to address that question.
Wow! I actually just posted on the other forum what a crappy day I've had. I just still can't get over the overwhelming support on here...it's a miracle that I discovered this. I say it's a miracle because it is the only thing after years that has made me believe I can stop...honestly at this point I don't know if I can...honestly at this point I don't know if I want to.
To go on the background of my marriage, like I've said, it sucks. Now I've never said that. Although we have had tons of arguments and always threaten to get a divorce I 've never discussed it with anyone. He just recently started being an OTR (over the road) truck driver. Since October I've seen him 4 times for approx. 5 days at a time. Obviously before that he had a normal job where he'd be home on the weekends/nights etc. Even then he has never participated in household chores or caring for our daughter. He has NEVER NEVER been alone with her. He has NEVER taken care of her. He has NEVER gotten up with her in the middle of the night. hardly has ever held her, he wasn't even there when she was born and yet I'm supposed to, ****, do everything! Even before my daughter was born I had to medicate to be with him. I believe in marriage so damn much that I never wanted a divorce...not sure why, but didn't. Whenever I would say "that's it, I can't do it anymore" he would change. Change for like a week! So I started taking more and more of my pills to get that euphoric feelinge everyone is talking about. Because EXACTLY how beenthere describes it just makes you not give a ****, hardly anything bugs you. Husband being and ***, baby crying...didn't matter because you don't give a ****! It's so funny how clear my head is right now...just had to get off my rant to realize that :)
I have got to go tend to my daughter right now, I haven't seen her all day, but I will be checking back very often to see your posts.
God it's crazy how good I feel right now...and without the pills and it's only day 2!
Oh and p.s. you seem like a pretty great father and husband to me too! I wish my husband would....well....a lot!
To go on the background of my marriage, like I've said, it sucks. Now I've never said that. Although we have had tons of arguments and always threaten to get a divorce I 've never discussed it with anyone. He just recently started being an OTR (over the road) truck driver. Since October I've seen him 4 times for approx. 5 days at a time. Obviously before that he had a normal job where he'd be home on the weekends/nights etc. Even then he has never participated in household chores or caring for our daughter. He has NEVER NEVER been alone with her. He has NEVER taken care of her. He has NEVER gotten up with her in the middle of the night. hardly has ever held her, he wasn't even there when she was born and yet I'm supposed to, ****, do everything! Even before my daughter was born I had to medicate to be with him. I believe in marriage so damn much that I never wanted a divorce...not sure why, but didn't. Whenever I would say "that's it, I can't do it anymore" he would change. Change for like a week! So I started taking more and more of my pills to get that euphoric feelinge everyone is talking about. Because EXACTLY how beenthere describes it just makes you not give a ****, hardly anything bugs you. Husband being and ***, baby crying...didn't matter because you don't give a ****! It's so funny how clear my head is right now...just had to get off my rant to realize that :)
I have got to go tend to my daughter right now, I haven't seen her all day, but I will be checking back very often to see your posts.
God it's crazy how good I feel right now...and without the pills and it's only day 2!
Oh and p.s. you seem like a pretty great father and husband to me too! I wish my husband would....well....a lot!
Thank you so much for your post. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes as I type. I guess that says I did need the pep-talk. I guess what I need to know now is whether
my wife is insulating herself from me, because of me, or if the lack of connection in the
last couple of months is due to the usage of the Vicoden. Realisitcally,I suppose it's both. Being a type A personality and seeing the world in basically black & white, I'm a
person who needs answers and I need them to be clear. When we went through this the last time, I really feel now that I didn't grasp the magnitude of the addiction. I made it clear I would support her in what she needed, I think I did a decent job, and then left it
alone. She seemed so remorseful and felt so down about herself and embarrased I just didn't re-visit the ordeal. We had been a problem with me doing that on an issue in our marriage about a year earlier. I'd basically grilled her into submission over a mistake that while serious, didn;t lead to any true harm. Perhaps I should have asked from time to time how she was doing with this problem. As a spouse, sometimes if a subject doesn't come up, one assumes it isn't an issue. Now that this is on the front burner and boiling, hindsight tells me I shouldn't have left it dormant. Problem is, I think she would have said (perhaps that's an unfair assumption on my part) that it would make her feel like she can;t be trusted.
So, here we are. How do I trust from here without suspicion. I;m wondering if I should confront her by myself or with our counselor? ANY feedback on that question would be most appreciated. Anyone have experience with being confronted by a spouse when they discovered the addiction? I know she would go to the counselor, but she'd be under the impression it would be marriage related. I don't think she really has a clue that i found the pills. I do think she's off them now, but I also think she's feeling pressure with a hint of "does he know" in the back of her mind. I wonder how she's feeling physically
in the face of our emotions of the marriage issue alone. How long does it take to have the stuff out of your system? How often does the thought of going back for more enter a
person's head? Does stress make it more frequent?
So many questions, such a churning inside. I love her and I miss knowing her right now.
my wife is insulating herself from me, because of me, or if the lack of connection in the
last couple of months is due to the usage of the Vicoden. Realisitcally,I suppose it's both. Being a type A personality and seeing the world in basically black & white, I'm a
person who needs answers and I need them to be clear. When we went through this the last time, I really feel now that I didn't grasp the magnitude of the addiction. I made it clear I would support her in what she needed, I think I did a decent job, and then left it
alone. She seemed so remorseful and felt so down about herself and embarrased I just didn't re-visit the ordeal. We had been a problem with me doing that on an issue in our marriage about a year earlier. I'd basically grilled her into submission over a mistake that while serious, didn;t lead to any true harm. Perhaps I should have asked from time to time how she was doing with this problem. As a spouse, sometimes if a subject doesn't come up, one assumes it isn't an issue. Now that this is on the front burner and boiling, hindsight tells me I shouldn't have left it dormant. Problem is, I think she would have said (perhaps that's an unfair assumption on my part) that it would make her feel like she can;t be trusted.
So, here we are. How do I trust from here without suspicion. I;m wondering if I should confront her by myself or with our counselor? ANY feedback on that question would be most appreciated. Anyone have experience with being confronted by a spouse when they discovered the addiction? I know she would go to the counselor, but she'd be under the impression it would be marriage related. I don't think she really has a clue that i found the pills. I do think she's off them now, but I also think she's feeling pressure with a hint of "does he know" in the back of her mind. I wonder how she's feeling physically
in the face of our emotions of the marriage issue alone. How long does it take to have the stuff out of your system? How often does the thought of going back for more enter a
person's head? Does stress make it more frequent?
So many questions, such a churning inside. I love her and I miss knowing her right now.
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