No relationship while in treatment

[jiff7476]

I posted this in the wrong spot ... Newbie mistake ... sorry :(
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My partner and I were together 5 years ago when she first started drinking. She left me for another woman, ended up in the hospital and went for treatment for alcohol, went back to her then wife, but ended up relapsing and then left her marriage. After the marriage we started to hang out again, she was still in relapse and realizing this, I was there for her when she called etc, but getting back together wasn't an option. She had so much work to do on herself that I wanted that to be her focus, when and if she would.

We kept in touch, she got herself back on track with her life and she restarted herself on her path to recovery and started going to AA again. She broke ties with me completely at that time as she said she wanted to sober before she ever saw or spoke to me again. While that was hard, I understood what she needed to do. My mom passed away and she was by my side. Still, with no intentions of getting back into a relationship with her, we did end up back together and have been for 18 months now.

We both believe that we have loved each other forever. We have met friends through her AA group and I did start to attend some Alanon meetings. In a short period of time I have gone from a partner who has said that this relationship is healthy and good and that we are never breaking. Just recently she is talking the opposite, nothing is forever, when I was in treatment I was told not to get into a relationship. Really? I came totally onboard with what it meant for her to be on the path to recovery. I knew going in it wouldn't be easy, but I am so there to be a support because I have loved her forever, this is not just some 18 month thing, we have known each other for over 25 years. I live my live that I am with my partner through thick and thin, I would go to hell and back for this woman ... I read that in treatment they say no relationship if you aren't already in one ... what do you do if you are in one?

I am so lost ... and just need some insight ... I do not want to convince her if that is her choice, her recovery is very important to me and I totally believe that. But why can she not have both? Why can Addicts not see the GOOD in somethings and hang onto that while they do their work? I am not here to take her away from her recovery ... Why is it all or nothing?

Any insight would be great ... I am totally confused as to why you would throw something away, especially if you have someone who is right there by your side.

[Nighthawk61]

When you're in a relationship, your spouse is brought in as a family member and involved in meetings with the addict and the Addiction's Therapist.

This is exactly the reason why an Addiction's Therapist is vital to the process of recovery.

The fact is that a partner that is devoted to their partners recovery can be an incredible advantage over someone that doesn't have one, in my opinion.

My husband and i met, in '99 when we got clean and sober together. While his ex dumped his unconscious body off at their local police station, i arranged to have my husband committed to a Psychiatric Ward to re diagnose an earlier diagnosis of Schitzphrenia (20 years prior) that required medication and then found him a 90 day Relapse Prevention Rehab. He's been clean and sober since that time. Some individuals are good for an addict, some are not. If you are willing to learn how to best help and support your partner's recovery , your help can be the cornerstone of the foundation of her recovery. I'm not sure if my husband wouldn't still be drinking had i not been there to hep honestly. He didn't manage well on his own, and most women would not have been as invest of in the know about recovery.  I'm not saying that i was the only answer to his recovery, but i know that i was instrumental, because of how invested i was in his recovery. (I needed a partner) . It sounds like you may  be that for his girl.

I'm a little concerned that she might be using this as an excuse to end he relationship so that she can self sabotaging, because she knows that you will insist on her getting the right help for  herself in the event of a relapse or "stinking thinking"? It might be that you are already too good at helping her with her recovery. On the other hand, it might be her telling you that she feels she would do better alone, or at least with out you. This is hard, You both need to be brave enough to look at all the reasons why your splitting might be considered an option, and she msut be honest enough with herself and you as to what her choice is and why.

Keep your chin up. I'm here for you both. My husband and myself have been clean and sober since '99, maybe I can help. ?

PS, i think it would be great if you copy and pasted both the question and this comment over to the Addictions, Living with an Addict, Community so that you can get some more support and comments.
I came by this by a fluke.