Oldies using or not, you're being called upon.

Tim, Shelby, Hope, Emilly, road 2 R. Tzt, DebSal, Jenjen, Bear, marj, grieving, kim, fladdict( I hope your doing okay, hon) and whom ever I left out,, Please, Please come by and say hello. I miss you all so much. Whether your still using, I'm a pretty uncondition kind of gal, those that know me. I know you are lurking around. Please surfaced and let me know your still around. Let me  know you are Okay. Even if your struggling. I need to hear from you. Its Hoilday time. Allow me to wish you the best. I miss you guys soooo bad. I'm off to work and if it says zero replies, (again), I'm gonna think no one likes me, and chop off my head.  Do you want that on your hands? Love and miss you all bunches. This is the last summons I'm putting out. These fine new people haven't gotten the gift of even knowing you. So what if you have nothing to add, maybe we can learn from them. They seem like some new good peeps. Love to you. Cathy and remember i'm of no use to my husband if I chop off my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[road2recovery]

I am still here...VERY GOOD post..I so miss them too, using or not!!!!
So please just come in and say merry christmas!
love ya
r2r
Rosie??., debsally? tim? shelb?emily? newleaf? calijen? hope?
etc
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL

[allaboutmary]

I am not an oldie nor a newbie, I guess I'm a middie.
I just wanted to say please don't chop your head off !  That could be very painful and they would probably put you on pain meds.lol  Then you would just be a headless addict. Think of the trouble you would have reading these posts.
Happy Holidays !
Mary

[road2recovery]

how can i forget the sisters!!!  

headless addict-------thanks for the laugh
Happy holidays to you and please tell magi, praying things get better for her family
r2r

[GoingToMakeIt]

Patience, we on the west coast get up later than you.:-)
Merry Christmas and a clean New Years to you!
22 days clean and lovin it. It is good to see a post from you.
Don't be a stranger. God Bless you and yours.

[marcatj]

i'm here, punkin!  And I love ya like the dickens!!

Loved reading your post this morning - it made my day!!!

I will check back on when your cute buns get off of work.  I love love love reading when you post.  And miss our family too!

xoxox to you, and all...
mj

[tzt2lady]

Im here and loved reading that post!!   Please dont chop off your head!!!!!  I wish we could get every person you listed and any others to post on this thread, wouldnt that be the shizit?  Im not going to meetings nor did i do any aftercare so im not doing very well.  I care about y'all very much and hope everyone has a great holiday.
tzt

[lonote]

Well thanks for the replies. God forbid I don't want to end up on pain meds again, so I won't chop off my head!!!!!!!!Allaboutmary, thanks so much for the good advice. Road and marcataj so good to see you both. Damm  I've been trying to lure our friends out here, but I just
haven't got the magic words to get them here quite yet.  lol. Maybe they haven't seen this yet. Well my cute buns are outts here for now.
Talk to me my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Cathy

[lonote]

It is so good to see you. Yeah, I'm trying like hell to get them. Tim emailed me. So I have heard from him. I emailed Shelbs to no avail.
Lost hopes email. So what if I chop off my head. Sometimes my friends think I'm talking from my azz anyways! Okay subject change.
Well Merry Christmas To all my friends old and new, and the ones I haven't made yet. That should cover everyone.    Love ya bunches Cathy

[liscamdave]

Man, I got my head chopped out of that post, I am so sad my name wasn't up there...lol...Just kidding...well, I am here for a sec but now I am out. Starting sub tomorrow...so we shall see...

Merry xmas to all...

xoxo, Lisa

[road2recovery]

I didn't put your name because we have heard from you lately...LOL

u know i love u dearly and wishing you a very happy holidays
r2r

[lonote]

Lisa. How can I ever forget you? My bad. Very Naughty. In fact for
X Mas I should get squat.  My bad!!!! I have memory issues. I'm sooo sorry!  Your one of my faves sweetie.  How are you doing?
Cathy

[shelby74]

Hey honey,

I have not been around because I have been in w/d's really bad.  I have been bed ridden for the last few days.  I have barely been able to eat let alone think about being on the computer, but I am here and I miss you guys too!  A lot!  Cath I like you better with your head on! lol

love you lots,

shel

[lonote]

Hey! I'm sorry you are so sick with w/d's. I wish I could make it go away.I commend you for poking your head out here when you are feeling so crappy. Suboxone makes the w/d's go away. I'm almost off the stuff.I wish you were feeling better for the holidays. I really hope this doesn't hinder your holidays? What are you doing for the hoildays? Curt's home in 4 days! Whoo hooo!!!! Love you bunches! Cathy

[tzt2lady]

Woohoo!  Cathy, you gave me my very own personal post!!!   This is the best present ever!   You mean a lot to me and I am so glad you have stayed the course!  
Im off to do laundy...........lots of it.   Hey, I got hit on by a 32 yr old whipper snapper so even though I shyd away, I still thought of it as an early present also.   Ok, it was in a candle lit restaurant so Im sue he couldnt see my "wisdom" lines  but so what..........I'll take it! LOL!!   Have a great one, babe!

[emilyanne]

Hi Lonote,
Happy Holidays! I don't have much time to chat lately, and I apologize for that. I can't wait until the new nurse starts here, to help care for my grandma. Then I will have a little more time to catch up with my friends here!!!
To you and all my friends here...Happy Holidays!!! I hope you are all doing well, and I really want to hear what you've all been up to. I feel so "out of the loop"!! Does Tim still post on here? What's he been up to? Talk to you later, guys. Love always, Em
PS...Stay strong for the holidays. It has been exactly a year since I quit painkillers for good, and let me tell you...this has been the best year of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For those of you still using, THERE IS a light at the end of the tunnel! Although you won't have that certain "high", you WILL feel happiness in your day to day life, I promise! Stay strong and I'm praying for all of you, using or not.

[awakan]

I hope you are no longer lonely. But if you are know that you have a friend that remembers you. Remembers all the kind words, words of encouragement. This person knows you put your heart on the line unselfishly for your fellow human beings. You are never alone, you are thought of and prayed for. I pray your son is well wherever they have stationed him. And that your day of celebration and new year are filled with peace and growth. Thank you for being there lonote..awakan  

[marcatj]

... told ya.

;-)

me!!

[hopeless]

I have not been on here in so long, i see they changed this all around. I just want to say that, My dad as you all know who has been struggling this long battle of prostate cancer, has passed away. To beat that, he passed yesterday, (Christmas day) at 12:33 pm. I was there at his home and held his hand when he took his last breath. My heart is broken, i can't stop crying. I have been staying with my mom all last week, and tonight i am back home (just for the night). I am going to be staying with her for awhile. She is a total mess, as we all are. The veiwing and funeral are Friday and Saturday. I have never in my life had to go through something so hard. My heart is in pieces and it is continuing to break especially for my mom. I know he is in a better place now, but God we miss him. I can't believe it happend on Christmas day of all days. Merry Christmas to me. I gotta go now, the tears are falling once again.
Hope

[grievingwidow]

Hey everyone, hope you all had a very merry Christmas!  This time of year is still hard for me not having my hubby around - but I Thank God for my children and my granddaughter .  I know I moan and groan about being "alone", but I would never want God (or anyone else) to think I was not grateful for my many blessings which come in the form of my children, grandchildren, and wonderful friends like you.  Again, hope you all had a great holiday!


Love to you all ------ Cindy

[badeggs65]

some of you know me...i have been around for over a yr now...mostly a lurker. i used to post once in a while to mangee, thursdaynext,ladtsundown,manonfire, and a bunch more of the real oldtimers, who don't show up very often anymore.  but anyway wanted to wish all a merry christmas and a very happy new year (my birthday 1-1) and to let those that do know me see that i still read daily and keep up with all thats going on....love to all, and strength.....badeggs AKA cindy

[nefesh]

I hain't been here in many a mile many a moon so much water under the bridge wouldn't even know where to begin...  I doubt any of you even remember me it's been so long... I got sidetracked into some intense writing with ladysundown at the time and that diverted me off the forum even though our intense e-mails didn't last too long...  
How are y'all????  My feeling has always been that you are among the finest people that one could ever hope to know... with all your (our) struggles and foibles and failures and tragedies and little victories and sudden laughter and rivers of tears and loving music of the heart... you're the people most involved with life and the whole wild palette of emotions... most folks go along la-de-da and it's all more or less coming together and they've got their trip together and they're just being mature and relating to money and reality and vacations the way it's s'posed to be in the good movies and nice books... and those folks are skimming through barely touching it and afore we know, it's gone... You wonderful people, struggling for your very lives, each day, each moment, are at least truly alive in a certain unique way... those moments when the sun breaks through for a few moments, when the lovelight comes through despite all the garbage and stupid mistakes and mean things we've done... well that's just the finest realest deepest most spiritual quirkiest funniest greatest that could be!!!  I love you all and just hope and pray that we shall overcome some day, break on through to the other side, (excuse me, while I kiss the sky)...  I'm still struggling with my demons, holding them at bay somewhat, but at the very least consuming ridiculous amounts of tylenol to go along with the darvon and/or oxy... living on miracles but getting worn down and find myself back here again... So good luck and Heavensent blessings always all ways for all of you... take care, and remember, even in those darkest dingiest dustiest daze - you're a great holy soul and sometimes you find the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right...  Love,  Nefesh

[marcatj]

hey buddy.. what's your story? have you tried to get clean?  any clean time under your belt?

just wonderin... if not, what do you think is holdin ya back.  not that we all don't have our reasons, that's for sure.  just wonderin what yours was...

be well, friend...
mj

[FLaddict]

Here!!!! I am here!!!

Sorry I was in Mexico on vacation. But I am back now. Hope you are all great..

And nefresh.. long time no see.. good to see ya back.

XOXO

[nefesh]

Yes indeedy, been awhile...  thanks very much for the warm welcome back FLadd!  I needed that!  How's been by you??  
MJ, thanks for good opening queries, you mean business and that's why we're here... sorry that you're ruled by an evil cat, but then again, ain't we all?  at least to some degree?  hopefully less than more...  Do I have clean time under my belt?  It's been more than a year since the last time I was on nuthin'...  totally cut out codeine (they changed the law here and it's just too much of a "pain" to get it - whoops, not totally true - I get 20-20mg pills every 3 weeks or so) and have been holding the line on the darvon and perc's...  I was never real fat, but was getting a rather "portly" belly so I did change my diet and dropped about 15 lbs. and been taking some natural hormones and herbs so that's all eased up on some of the pain, so I did reduce my overall intake somewhat, and like I say, at least ain't been increasing my dosages...
as to what's holdin' me back... that's a whole involuted convoluted stupidluted story...  mebbe over the coming weeks if we're still here I can gradually unwind the spool...  right now off the top I guess I'm afraid from last time I went clean... it sorta crippled my ability to think and be creative/spiritual... which for me is like life itself... so I re-rationalized the whole shebang again... but I know that physically and spiritually the whole pill thing is holding me back... the last chain that keeps me hangin' on to some sorta old encrusted deep pain back there that I think's so much a part of my personality psyche whatever - what keeps me going and being me...  I dunno...

What's your stories these days?  How's FLaddict doing lately??  And what's with you MJ?  You counting clean days?  Lookin' up?  Dragon down?  I admire you all so much... that you stick with it, hang in here, always caring and helping others even when you feel like kitty litter...  when I have energy I'm up and trying to help meself and others... but when the energy's out I'm useless... and then I reach for the meds to escape the physical pain and to get some energy back...

Thanks again for writing!  and please forgive my rambling, I guess it's just the relief of having who to "talk" to again...

Love,   Nefesh

[marcatj]

ramble away, my friend!  i get it..

you know, the first thing i wanted to say to your post is, when i take pills, spiritually i'm DEAD.  i do NOT connect with God (or the Universe, or our One Conciousness.. ) when i'm even a little high. not in that direct way, anyway.  when i am clean, it's unbelievable the difference.  yesterday i went on a walk through the trees near my house.  i felt God, and i felt pure Joy.  i never ever felt that on pills.  and it was a cr appy week, my friend!  but you sound like a spiritual dude, so I am guessing you know exactly the feeling i am talking about.  it's like being high - but way better and not high! lol!!  it's that "pure" feeling and again, i am guessing you know exactly what i'm talking about, based on your posts... it's so good to feel it again...

as for counting days, no, i'm not.  i think now it's 2 weeks or something.  i relapsed a few times... i have a sh tty back with alot of probs.. each time i went back it was for "pain management" but of course, ended up being buzz management... so that's my story.  right now i'm clean and plan to stay that way (God willing my back stays managable, and right now, with some new treatments in the mix - it looks like it will!)

keep posting bud.  i'm glad your felt relief when you did... i know how it feels...  (and it's nice to meet you!)

:)
very warmly,
mj

[nefesh]

Thankee kindly, mj!  I think I know whatcha mean by being able to truly "connect" when you're not busy with "buzz management" (ain't that just the way to coin it!)... yet somehow I manage to convince myself that without the stuff I just don't feel ok or "normal" (whatever that means...) and lately been noticing that I seem to relate to people in a more flowing way, or at least with more enthusiasm, with buzz management in place (not too much, by the way, just the "right" amount)... otherwise relating often becomes a strain drain...

What new treatments are you using for your back?  how do you manage to get "back" up and dust yourself off after the relapses??  Also, can you tell me about getting around the forum these days?  meaning, what is the best way to use this?  do we just stay on this thread?  there's a lot of threads which is great - how do you choose what to read?  you just know which folks you want to tune in to, or do you just pick titles that sound like you can relate?  I realize these sound like reasonably dumb questions, just that I ain't been around here so long the whole format has changed and lookin' for how to get best results, I reckon...

thanks again!  you're doing great if you have a cruddy week and still get pure (spiritual) pleasure from just walkin' around!  howdja manage that??!  also how didja go through withdrawal??

Love,  Nefesh

[nefesh]

Thankee kindly, mj!  I think I know whatcha mean by being able to truly "connect" when you're not busy with "buzz management" (ain't that just the way to coin it!)... yet somehow I manage to convince myself that without the stuff I just don't feel ok or "normal" (whatever that means...) and lately been noticing that I seem to relate to people in a more flowing way, or at least with more enthusiasm, with buzz management in place (not too much, by the way, just the "right" amount)... otherwise relating often becomes a strain drain...

What new treatments are you using for your back?  how do you manage to get "back" up and dust yourself off after the relapses??  Also, can you tell me about getting around the forum these days?  meaning, what is the best way to use this?  do we just stay on this thread?  there's a lot of threads which is great - how do you choose what to read?  you just know which folks you want to tune in to, or do you just pick titles that sound like you can relate?  I realize these sound like reasonably dumb questions, just that I ain't been around here so long the whole format has changed and lookin' for how to get best results, I reckon...

thanks again!  you're doing great if you have a cruddy week and still get pure (spiritual) pleasure from just walkin' around!  howdja manage that??!  also how didja go through withdrawal??

Love,  Nefesh

[marcatj]

you know, it usually takes a few weeks to "connect" again, with folks.. to truly feel like myself again, after going off the sh*t.  but then it feels really real again.. not that "rushed" connecty feeling, if that makes sense...  for me, anyway.

as for the relapses.. i don't know.  i just got back up.  for some reason, i didn't have w/d this time.  i tapered a couple days (not by choice, lol) but i was ok.  i ate ALOT of aminos and vitamins too, and a little tramadol for a few days too.  then - and there really ARE no coincidnces - i went to a new pain management doc.  not knowing i had a history of addiction with the pills, he gave me Suboxone for pain management!! (he's an addiction specialist too...)  i guess they use it in Europe quite a bit for this.  i didn't take it at first, then i thought f***, this is too serendipitous.  if it keeps me off the pills longer, my chances are better of STAYING off.. plus he tried some new stuff no one had done yet with my back (cortisone shots, a new nerve drug i hadn't tried, too) so it helped to really manage the pain.  so it all just kinda came together...

as for the connectedness yesterday (and more lately in general) with The Big Guy... well, it just happens.  i clear my mind and tune in with the trees and stuff and... i don't know, everything around me in general - and there He is.  like when you meditate... you know.  i just FEEL it...  i never felt it when i was high.. but i did prior to taking pills.  and maybe He knew i REALLY needed it this week too... w/d and a break-up, well i think He gave me a break on the w/d and came around (or I let Him in...) when i really needed it most.

and i find with the new forum, if i wanna yak about something new, or to someone new (or i just wanna get HEARD!! :) i just post a new thread.  sometimes when posts start to get this long we get forgotten!!

it's so nice to chat with ya buddy.  i'm glad you came back!  stick around, k? :-)

with luv...
mj

[nefesh]

Thanks again!  Yore messages are write on!  Could you please tell me more about the Suboxone?  I've heard about it before, but to hear your firsthand experiences would be really helpful... I did the Waismann Rapid Detox (advertised at the top of this site) a coupla years ago to get off methadone which one Doc rather dumbly got me started on (never did heroin, he just wanted to "substitute" it for the other pills but gave me such a low dose I ended up adding it to the mix instead...) ... it was torture, afterwards I was s'posed to take naltroxene (I think I  got it right...) which was horrible stuff that made me feel like a zombie, or maybe that was just what getting clean is like at the beginning, I dunno - whatever it was, after almost two weeks I stopped the naltroxene and started up on the other stuff again - at least I stayed off the meth for good (thanks G-d!) - so I be velly curious to know what's suboxone all about if you wouldn't mind clueing me on your experience...??

as I'm sure you know quite well, every time you "steal" some energy in one place you end up paying it back somewhere else along the line... when I take too much percocet (and then run out early and go some days without it altogether) because I need/want the energy, I end up paying... so today I'm pretty wiped out... yesterday I actually took so much (for me) after not taking for a few days that I got nauseous (bad sign)... today I pay... and there's so much I hafta do, so many  things I wanna do - but there's this (personal) energy crisis to deal with...

What do you do when you need extra energy??  

Also lemme know if continuing this thread works ok for you...

Hopefully you'll have a great day today, feeling so connected that those trees actually start a conspiracy with the sky and the house (and even the cat!) to start smiling at you except that as soon as you notice they'll stop just to goof on you but nonetheless you'll feel it and just start dancing through your day (even when there's potholes in the way!)..........!!

Love,  Nefesh

[marcatj]

hi sweety... you can post to me on the bathroom wall for all i care!  :-)

well, the energy thing... i thing it's something you have to chalk up to you may not have alot of it for a few weeks.  IF you don't go the Sub route.  that said, I am a big believer in the amino's it lists in the book The Mood Cure.  between that and some amino/protien shakes i drink, lotsa vitamins and lotsa water, i think it's not too bad.  but it probably depends on someone's use and length of use, i'm guessing?  i took for a year and 4 mo's, some breaks in there toward the end when i started getting clean.  at my worst tho, the last few mo's of using, i was eating 10-12 Norco a day...

now, with the Sub, i have had NO energy issues. none.  and everyone i know who tried it said the same thing...  like i said - i didn't even plan on using it.  but now, i'm glad i did.  it feels kinda weird... for me, it's kinda "speedy." but other than that, it's made me not miss the vic's at all.

i think at the end of the day, you (and I) have to have patience... it took awhile to get here, it may take a bit to "get back."  wanting to feel perfect right away i think just isn't an option..  for me, it's coming out now in being quite emotional.  but i don't think it has to last forever, either.  the first time i got clean, i had a month clean time.  i have to tell you, i felt normal by then... and that was going c/t.  i went back on the pills 'cause i had pain, and thought "ok, this time i'll manage it."  yeah, right... not so much.

did this help at all?? ask me anything... Lord knows i'm not expert, but i can tell ya what i know from my experience anyway!

and thank you for the warm wishes for the day.... i hope your's is absolutely wonderful, and a day of new and wonderful beginnings... no matter what that means for you. :-)

warmly,
mj

[badeggs65]

  hey, have you heard from ladysundown at all lately? we kept in touch regularly but since she moved i haven't heard from her. she said she would use her sister's computer while she was getting settled in from the move, then would be back, but i haven't heard anything from her. do you know if she is ok? i have been worried about her........much love..........cindy..AKA  badeggs

[nefesh]

tell me more about the suboxone pleeze...  how does it work, how does it make you feel, how much you take how long etc etc

I'm nearing the end of my rope on this twist in the bend... the stuff's makin' me sick and chaining me down...  it just seems like such a big PROJECT to start over again with the c/t and feeling like leftover barnacles from yesterday's rotten omelette gathering mildew on someone's half-baked thoughts and then getting so emotional again  (anyways I'm fairly emotional) all weepy for no (visible) reason and I'm sorry for being so clunky and whiney it's just I'm exhaustionized again and it's my own damn fault as usual and I'm actually so very enamoured of life and the soul and exploring the depths and heights of time piercing wisdom, greater one who masters themselves than one who conquers many cities...  meanwhile grinding down my body which is after all, a limited resource being part and parcel of this physical world...  sorry about this... you hardly even know me and I'm whimpering and simpering away incoherently...  it's awful nice of you to have seen my thread and taken from yore time and energies to "chat" and be friendly and helpful even tho you are quite a success story at least with the droogs, whereas I been dragging along for years...  Happy New Tear!, um, er, Happy Stew Smear!, that is Pappy Due Here!, wouldja believe Snappy Dew Beer!!  I ain't so big on these December/January synapses, but I do hope and pray that you have such a good new year that... that... May the Best of your Past be the Worst of your Future!!!!!!

Love,  Nefesh

[nefesh]

haven't heard nuthin' from Sundown in a lonngggg time... your guess is much better than mine...

be well and take care!

[marcatj]

Happy Blue Beer!

Ah honey.. you are not whiney... and trust me, when i got here, it was strangers who helped me.. you do not have to thank me...

the Sub.. hmmm.  i'm not sure i'm the best person to describe it, because i haven't been on it that long, and i also started it AFTER cutting out the vik's (most use it the next day, to stave off w/d's...)  i started a few days later.

BUT - i can tell you, even tho i don't feel 100% myself, i feel GOOD.  in other words, i feel the effects of it (it makes me a little speedy) but it in no way is like the dregs of w/d.  AT ALL.  i started taking it last week, so i guess it's been one week.  i may quit in 3-4 days, or may extend another 10 days or so - i don't know, i gotta talk to my doc on wednesday.  but all i can tell you is a would highly, highly recommend it.  it sounds like you are ending up in that "soulless" space i know all too well... it's like death.  especailly if you are a feeling and spiritual person to begin wtih.  i think that makes it even 10X worse.  because you know a better way... not just a regular way.  but a "higher" way...

the Sub is going to hedge your bets STAYING of the pills because you get more clean time under your belt, that's why i'm doing it.  every day i take it, i don't think about pills.  and with the holidays and the break-up (and a bunch of shee-ite happening this year that didn't HELP the holidays).. well, i think if i hadn't been on this sub I'd be in the fetal position in my bed, for days...

bud, listen to me.  i hear in your words where you are at.  please don't feel hopeless... i probably don't need to tell you this 'cause you sound pretty in tune, but you are also in the "thick of it."  that place only the pills can take you.. which is f***ing horrible.  so just remember, this absolutely does not have to be your destiny.

what else can i tell you about the Sub?  and is there any way i can help, otherwise?  i want to.  i so know where you are at.. it hasn't been that long that i was there too.  and the first few days after i quit this time, i thought "how can i get through without pills?  a couple days, maybe, but..."  and now, i am just glad to have my soul back...

please tell me what else i can do...

xoxox
mj

[nefesh]

firstly Happy Stew Ears!! to you too!...  and thanks a very mucho lot for your notes - very much needed and appreciated... I always look forward to them...  
as far as the suboxone goes... when you decide to stop it, what happens??  you just stop no prob, or taper, or what??  

Timing is endlessly interesting and funny thing... that I would find this site again (and you) in the veritable nick of time as the turns start heading for the (temporarily) worst... this morning I was so nauseous actually had to barf which I haven't done in quite some long while... whilst hunched over the ole bowl at one point flashing back to times as a teen when I'd find myself in similar straits after drinking a tad too much...  dunno if it's just a stomach bug or the first rumblings of liver damage, but if I'll bend my ear to the wind for a moment and stop being a dummy at the same time, there's definitely something the Head Honcho is trying to tell me... so whereas when I first logged on I was sorta thinking hmmm mebbe who knows why I'm here - now it seems suspiciously fortuitous to be in a position to get some help  (me? naw, never, tough guy stoic I can handle it alone - -  yeah, yeah, shore...) just as it turns out I really need it!  if I'm gonna make some changes... while I still have a soul miraculously stuck in this body... as much as it may have been dulled by my constant mismanagement... and meanwhile you seem to have a pretty good handle on the demon (or the cat) or whatever and quite well along to feeling very much alive again (is that the sound of your corpuscles singin' in the rain again???)...  whoops, gotta go for a while, but I'll be back soon - take good care, remember the alamo, and really thanks again for everything... timing's unbelievable...  (feeling tired and sick...)
Love,  nefesh

[marcatj]

buddy, that's exactly what happened to me... the Universe was SCREAMING at me (the new doc - how I found randomly, how I went to him for pain and if that meant pills - yay!, etc...)  Then this dude not only is an addiction specialist AND a pretty in-tune kinda guy, but then prescribes me Suboxone for pain... all happened the same week a bunch of other sh** went down and I just KNEW it was a gift and if I didn't take it... I was a fool.

Like I said, I'd quit before, but this last time I was on pills I really was in alot of pain so it was pretty dang easy to rationalize being on them.  Even so... regardless of whether I "needed" them or not (hmmmmmmm) I ate too many and always ended up chasin' the buzz... and again, it just kep me STUCK.  That's all they've ever done to me.. numbed me out and kept me STUCK.

I don't want to be stuck anymore..

Oh look, I made this post all about my hair - lol!  Aaaaanyway, sorry about the barfing (altho the word "barf" does make me laff...)  Seriously tho, sorry to hear that.  It sucks...

As for the Sub, I gotta talk to my doc tomorrow.  But from what I know you DO have to taper.  Some folks on here have been on in long term, some I know only for 2 weeks (including the taper.)  I personally don't want to stay on it too long...

It's not particularly cheap either.  BUT, if you rack up what you're spending on pills (at least what I did) then it's way way way less expensive than a drug habit, for sure.  Maybe what I spent in a month... or less.

All I know is that my demons were waiting for me anyway... the longer I put them off, the more I was gonna have to face.  So yes, I am having to face some emotional pain now, but it still is a zillion times better than the shame and hopelessness I was feeling.. for so long.

I literally am taking it a day at a time though and hoping this is it for good.  I feel like it is... every day without pills I feel stronger...

Ah buddy...

Happy Big Rear....

:-)
mj

[nefesh]

Do I ever envy you right now!...  Taking it a day at a time, smelling the flowers (when you're not crying in your coffee) and generally living life again with all its conundrums and humdedums...

I am so fried right now... did my health juice routine this morning feelin' pretty darn good (thank you Creator!) but then the nauseau kicked in again and it was all I could do to keep my stomach down, make some preparations, and head out to the city for a critical day... if it hadn't been so urgent that I deliver a lecture (I don't give many any more anyways, so what few remain are pretty much imperative) and visit el banko lest there be any el bounco if you catch my drifto...  So I was skittering on the edge of, yes, barf city, for a while until things settled down sort of...  thinking seriously about how to go about getting the suboxone... sounds like the way to go - just gotta find the right Doc...

now I'm beat, s'posed to be off inspiring the night crew, but I'm too far fried to be of much use...  mebbe I'm fluish, certainly feeling bluish - dang!  I hate being such a drag...  I'd like to inspire and cheer you for a change!!  Make your day!  Bring a smile to your mile and a giggle to your wiggle!  (sorry about that, these poesy type things just ratatat around sometimes and sneak out of the brainpan afore I clamp the can down...tho you seem pretty easy going not too likely to get all off-kiltered about unintentional off-colorations!...)  
Whaddo I do??  Outta perc's for a few day which is good I reckon... except that I'll increase my usage of tylenol which is tied to the darvon and may be messing up my liver... my last bloodwork was ok, but who knows...  I try a little valium in the evenings to ease the pain and take less darvon w/tyl...  the whole thing just takes up too many brain cells, too much time in the mind which is, after all, the workshop of the soul...  it just goes against the grain and detonates all the honing of a lifetime...  sabotage of self...  you'd think that with us all being so whoopty-do about I me mine all the time, the last thing going would be booby-trapping the self... and yet that seems to be exactly what I'm doing...  getting chance after chance, blessing after blessing, and keep hitting my head on the same wall like hey!  whoa! wha!  how'd that wall get here?!?  who put that here again?!?  what's that?? same old wall again, you say???  well I'll be a wet-toed willy-grained slightly insane gargoyle again!!!  And then I go and bang the head against the same wall all over again...
Sorry to be sooo boring...  it's just that you're so kind and I like hearing from you and reading your thoughts and feelings and ideas...  so lemme know how you're doing and what's up....
May the inner light radiate through your every step, favorite tunes effortlessly abounding, you feeling and being most astounding!!

Love,  nefesh

[marcatj]

hi sweet potato...

well, i sure hope this post finds you feeling much better.... btw - you have to create a profile or something so I can PM you, so I don't keep boring the cra p out of everyone on here...

and TRUST ME - you will be on the end of cheering the old gal up on this end at some point, i am certain.  and i will ask! you can bank on that...

how ya feelin tonight?  and i can't remember if you said so - but you said you had pain, right?  hence the perc's and stuff?  what is the pain from again?  i'm sorry if you told me... i seem to retain just about zero these days (altho it's getting better..)

and what did you lecture on?  tell me about Nefesh...  you can also PM (private message) ME i think.. i'm not sure actually now that i say that, if you don't have a profile...  or heck post me here.  i don't care.. i just didn't want to lose ya in the shuffle...

and don't forget, i'm barely over 2 weeks clean this time, so i will need your support too, if the ol dragon comes flaring up.  i pray it doesn't.. and i do actually feel this time it's different, especially with my pain letting up so much. and i just have too dam much to do this year, so many changes i need/want to make (mostly career) so the kid has to be on her game... so you may need to keep me on the straight and narrow, too...

ok, so gimme the 411 when you get a chance... what the pain stuff is all about, how long you been on this junk (if you want to tell me..) and where you're kinda standing on it, now...  if not, you can just tell me about your day.  :-)   however you're feeling when you read this..

i sure hope your tum tum is feelin much better...

with luv,
:)
mj

[nefesh]

thanks again and again for stayin' in touch... your notes really help... of course I like that you wanna help me, seem caring and interested and all, but I also just like you - real, down to earth, funny, good heart, wise but not smart, the way you write...  So I signed up or joined or whatever so that we can PM - except as a registered technodummy you have to explain to me what to do...

after sleeping like a waterlogged log and rousting meself by force - once I finally got going it's been pretty good... even drank ye olde wheatgrass and didn't get nawshiss again... I had/have neck pain likely stemming from an innopportune meeting between my unhelmeted head and the highway when in college (I was the passenger) and later along took a solid hit from a chairlift in the noggin (reckon that would also explain at least some of the loose screws) and later on developed knee, shoulder and joint pain ok arthritis no big deal but arthritis in the neck?  aw, I've always been a pain in the neck I guess and it's just what goes round comes round...

so being the son of a dr. (peace be upon him) self medication was a natural - for many years codeine w/tylenol was actually kept in solid check, rarely used in the day, rarely more than the normal dosages - it took years before the dosages crept up, using in the day, adding darvon w/tylenol and percocets when I can get them - until I finally said I'm sick and went to a Doc who says you gotta simplify and then we'll wean you, so stop taking all that stuff or I'll kill you, and here's some methadone... he gave me such a low dose of meth that it didn't nearly handle my pain issues so I just started adding back in the other goodies (really baddies) and eventually I even got the meth dose increased somewhat but it didn't matter... until I felt too sick again so I saw the ad for Rapid Detox which I blew some big dough on - it was nightmarish torture, went home and felt like a zombie in agony, couldn't think, couldn't even sleep... so it wasn't long til I stopped the naltroxene and started up with the codeine, darvon, occasional perc's - BUT at least I stayed off the meth which was even more horribler than all this other junk...  so that's where I am today... I'm on a pretty extreme health and juice diet so I've dropped some extra poundage, take some supplements so I have some more energy (I was starting to feel like night of the living dead) and so sorta started decreasing my dosages but then things happened and I needed the extra energy etc. etc. etc. so I re-increased but at least I can't hardly get codeine so I'm off that except for a little bit every 3 weeks or so...  and I constantly waver like a wafer in the wind about trying to increase the perc's to a fixed dose in order to drop the darvon with all the tons of tylenol which is likely damaging my long suffering and noble liver... but everyone says I'm nuts to increase perc's...  and I also constantly waver about how bad my pain is and how much is drug induced - I know it's real, and when I went c/t twice (the rapid time and once I tried the thomas recipe - it worked but I couldn't handle the pain and it didn't take long before I started up again... o what an idiot I am... ) I did see that I have some definite pain issues but all swashed up with other mental dental psychic-logical issues as well...  I gotta get rid of taking all this poison, but the real real problemo is I gotta fix some of the deeper and mysterious workings of my convuluted (but still singing!) heart and soul which needs a giant blessing from Above to have any success whatsoever, but also needs some blood sweat and tears on my part no doubt... and prayers... and friends...  

and I do look forward to helping you and picking you up and dusting you off and putting the smiles back on your faces (all of 'em!) whenever you're in need...  so please write me here again and tell me what's a better way to stay in touch and thanks to you kindly again for all your time and energy - shore pre she ate it!!            Love,  Nefesh

[marcatj]

ok punkin, i just wanted to say i am gonna write tomorrow... i don't want to give you some lame b.s. meaningless response tonight, and if i try to write much i'm afraid that's what i got... the kid is pooped.

more manana, but i sure hope you're feelin' ok tonight.  i wanna talk tomorrow about some of the stuff you wrote... because i so totally and completely get it.

ok - more tomorrow...

sweet dreams, my new dear friend...

:-)
mj

[nefesh]

thankee sai yet again for bothering to write even though you were finito for the day... just to let me know you're still reading my long drooling messages... and still care...  This time I've gotta go incommunicado until sometime Saturday afternoon - I'll look forward to writing you then (and hopefully seeing your latest message)... and do lemme know about messaging options for technodummies...  Very interested and curious to know what sorta career changes the "old gal" (even though you usually refer to yoself as "the girl"!?...) is pondering or pandering, simmering stewing or brewing as the case may be...  I'm so happy for you that you're in a good place holding the demons at bay - one day at a time - but still, there's an underlying overarching confidence in your "voice" that is really healthy and determined... like when you hit the exact same note as the tuning fork and everything is just deeply satisfyingly humming in yer own special key ahhhh!!!...  I'm actually pretty happy a lot and yet I can't remember the last time I really just let go - truly relaxed - other than while unconscious of course...  I'm just tangenting along... I'm sorry... if I'm a sweet potato you're a honeydew melon...  I ran out of perc's until Sunday so it's a little discomfortable but it's also good knowing that I can do without - even if only for a few days - although my darv w/tylenol intake goes up which is a leetle tenuous liver-wise (or liver-dumb more accurately) and there's all kinds of folks I hafta deal with... it's wierd, I'm a people person and need interaction to push my engines on start creative and kindness juices running - but on 'tother hand I try to recluse meself as much as possible... don't answer the phone and stuff like that... the people time is real good but it's real draining and I get extra achey (achy) and fatigued and need more meds etc. etcetry...  I dunno... there's gotta be a way out I reckon, seein' as there ain't no other place around the place, I reckon!!... (an old Stooges line, forgive me...)

take good care of the old gal, she's a fine girl and there's miles of smiles and worlds awaiting her... stronger and deeper for all you've weathered... and perservere uno day at uno time...

Love,  Nefesh

[marcatj]

hey sweety, I sent you a PM.

and of course I still care....

:)
mj

[debsally]

Just read this and the headless thing was hysterical.  I miss you all so much.  So glad to see the old randoms and others back.  I miss everyone and it made me smile so big to see almost everyone is around.  

So how is Tim?  How is everyone?

I love and miss you all.  Will try to get back tomorrrow.

Love,

Debbie

[blueyz]

I'm back here now.  If you had a chance to read about what happened to me, you'll know why I  haven't posted in awhile.  My post is probably a couple pages back and reads " I was Hope".  I was very close to meeting my maker, but I am here to tell the story and hopefully help others. I am 17 days clean!  I simply can't go back.

Hugs to all and fight the fight!