Sleep

I went to bed at 2.30am last night and I've woken up at 5.30am this morning,117 days today and I.m still not sleeping and that's taking valium before I go to bed,I am so tired and I've had enough no-one said it would take this long to get into a proper sleep pattern,I'm trying to stay positive but at times I think I'm losing my strength and that's with all the other stuff I'm having to deal with.How do you get a life back,I've tried going to bed earlier but then I'm up earlier.When I got up this morning I felt drained so much crying yesterday then the anger and rage and hate I'm ready to quit.  Denise

[Beargizmo]

I'm not totally familiar with your situation but noted in your profile...I believe life without parole for first time offenders Their victims get a life time sentence, why shouldn't the perpetrator. ..I have 2 beautiful daughters who were victimized at a very young age by their "father".


Have you tried any prescription sleep aids as a short term remedy to get you into a regular sleep pattern?


Jim

[narla]

My Dr has prescribed valium to try and help but It's not doing much,I'm normally very positive but counselling is getting hard and the anger and rage and hate that I've kept inside for 37 yrs My counsellor is bringing it to the surface saying I have to get it out,now I'm that angry I feel I could kill my brother,he has never faced consequences for what him and his friend did to me for 3 yrs.It's my word against his.It started when I was 7 They were 17.That's why now the rage is out I'm having trouble contrloling it.

[bmdad]

So sorry you have to deal with this hun. They always say things tend to get worse before they get better. Maybe all of this rage is a good thing? Maybe it is your mind learning to deal? I honestly have no idea but want you to know that I am here for you in any way I can help. I'm sure with all of these memories surfacing your mind is working in overdrive. I know there is nothing I say that compares but when my mind is working in overdrive and I can't shut it off and I sleep off and on all night. I'm sure all the rage will peak and then hopefully it will slowly go away. I'm sure you think the counseling is making things worse but I can assure you it will get better with time. You are in my prayers and I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this for so long. I wish I had half the strength that you have!! Hang in there and let me know if you need anything.

[avisg]

I would let your doctor know again that it is still not helping I. would bet your therapy is bringing things up and you angry and upset. I think you need to discuss that with your doctor as well maybe they need to slow down a bit. So you are not getting overwhelmed by the memoires.Rehashing it over and over can make things worse instead of better my therapist and I went threw things once we did not go threw every single time something happened and that was that. We worked on moving forward and not being the victim anymore .

[narla]

I was with my counsellor again today I know It's me that's pushing it I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel,he was happy with how I vented my anger once he knew I didn't go and get any codeine.Now he says I have to let the anger go so we worked on that today.I feel drained but a lot better than yesterday.

[Beargizmo]

I'm glad to hear that...my daughters were abused at about the same age or younger and for some reason, though reports were filed, etc...their "father" was never arrested..there has been no contact with him in years.  We've had them in counseling off and on but it hasn't worked out for them presumably because they had to face things they didn't want to face..and my youngest, 21 now, seems to have been the most affected and went through a period of rage, anger and living a very dangerous life starting at about 16...then a period where she wanted to die..we got past that and most of the rage...I think what helped them both is they both went to the police just recently and reopened the case and both have turned around quite a bit...there's a warrant out for his arrest but we think he's in the Philipines..  My youngest has turned into the sweetest young woman after one day confessing to us a lot of what she was doing during that 16-19 yr old period..scared the heck out of us...but she's coming around...

I'm sorry....this isn't about me or them but about you...I hope you continue to confront these things...it's tough but should lead to a breakthrough for you where life will be much better for you...will keep you in my prayers..

Is there any chance you can file charges against your brothers?


Jim

[narla]

I have no proof it was 1 brother and his friend,It's basically my word against theirs,my own parents showed no concern when I told them what happened when I was 26 So why would anyone else believe me that's one of the harder things to deal with,My father lives with us and still talks to him.

[Beargizmo]

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, please understand that...you're in counseling and that's great and should follow what they say..I'm sure it's best not to go digging this all up again with your brother and his friend....but what we've learned in talking to the police where we live is that they approach these cases much differently now which is how we were able to get the warrant against him.  He'll probably never be arrested because he's in the Philipines, but they have the satisfaction of getting him charged.


Good luck and God Bless you


Jim

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

Hey honey.. I've got 147 days Clean and I'm STILL not sleeping 'the way I WANT TO"
i.e. not more than 5 or 6 hours a night... And... no matter WHAT time I go to bed.. my eyes slam WIDE OPEN at 4:00 AM every day... (doesn't matter if I went to bed at 1 or 2am  in the morning.. which is very rare.. but sometimes happens) Soooo if you want somebody to talk to EARLY.. RING ME UP!  
Damn if I can't even ride my horse at 4:00 am....cus I would be on him.. hitting the trails!  But it's just Way too dark AND cold.. and Mister Ed would have a FIT!  Poor horse needs his (standing up) sleep... Sometimes I wish I could sleep 'standing up'
I think sometimes I do!~  

Hang in there honey... It's been said that we get as much sleep as we need.. but I question 'WHOEVER' said THAT!

Big Hugs and lots of ZZZZZZZZZZZZ's

NorcoQueen

[narla]

Getting back to my normal self(whatever that is) worked through everything yesterday got a lot of stuff dealt with and I'm ready for the next round I'm having a 2 week break over Christmas,Never did go and get the codeine so I'm happy.Had to see my Dr as well yesterday and because I was upset she decided I needed to take Zyprexa-an anti-psychotic normally used for schizophrenics or people with Bi-polar I have neither she said it would help me sleep I took half of a 5mg tablet she said it wasn't addictive but boy was it mind altering.I wont be taking it any more.On this one I will self medicate and say NO.

[avisg]

Narla ,
instead of self medicating why don't you call your doctor and let him know .I am sure there was a reason he put you on it. Sometimes antipsychotics are used to help sleep issues .Part of recovery is NOT self medicating .  

[narla]

I'm already on zoloft 200mg and valium10mg I really don't want to be on another drug,yesterday was just a hard day dealing with things that haven't been dealt with in 37 yrs.today I'm balanced and feeling fine again I'm sure it was a one off bad day.I see my Dr again next Thursday so I'll tell her then I chose not to go with zyprexa.

[Mangee]

Wow, this is so deep. Family abuse, especially by siblings, can cause long range trauma and a rage that is hard to contain. Ther help of professionals in this matter seems to disipate within hours. There seems to always be something or someone that can arouse bad memories and you have to start all over again. You have to do what I did. I refused to allow myself to spend any more time feeling sorry for myself and started to concentrate on things that I enjoyed and that pleased me. It's not that easy but I needed to do it before I I became a candidate for the, "Rubber room." It took many months of practice and it was harder than getting off the addiction to oxycontin. I finally found that I was beating myself to death over something that was somebody else's fault. When I realized that I was a ,"Victim," of abuse by others, and not responsible for what happened I was able to get my life back together. Now I am an old man with a hatful of great memories and it doesn't hurt when it crosses my mind. I just push it aside and concentrate on the good things in my life.

[narla]

My counsellor is a personal growth coach,he is showing me that despite my experiences I can overcome anything,he said he can't get rid of my memories but he is teaching me how to not think about them and grow as a person to be best I can be.It is working It's just a process you go through,We talk more about feeling and emotions rather than the actual abuse,but it does come up sometimes which is fine

[Beccabeccalynn]

Read your post and while I don't have experiance with that kind of trauma I do with sobriety and I know that when I am stressed and overwhelmed with emotions it kicks my PAWS into full gear mostly my sleep patterns and short term memory goes down the drain . It always gets better with time and worse with stress levels . It's just a possability that it might be part of what is going on with you . I  really proud of you that you are doing the hard work that gets to the root of blockades in your life
Becca

[Mangee]

I underestand what you have said regarding a counsellor. However, when  things of a traumatic nature happen, we tend to find ourselves magnifying it. We go through a guilt phase where we think that we caused it and have a giant problem placing the guilt where it belongs.We are so afraid that someone will get past the wall we hide behind, so we are usually unable to unburden ourselves of what we were not responsible for. We tend to think that people are pointing at us behind our backs and we get overly suspicious whan someone, anyone attempts to enter our minds to find a starting point to a solution. I shied away from people who were tryinhg to be friendly because I thought there was an ulterior motive to their actions. I was twenty four before the idea entered my mind that there was something wrong with the scenario and that I was looking at it through the wrong end of the telescope. It was at that moment that my life and attitude began to change. I realised I was blaming myself for my brother's action's and that I had been thinking all along that I had somehow been the catalyst for his wrondoings. That was the beginning of my new lease on life and it got better once I realized I was blaming myself for something that was never my fault.

[narla]

Thank you for you replies,I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me,I find talking about my abuse with a counsellor is giving me the understanding that it wasn't my fault,The abuse I've written about here is only a tiny bit of the abuse I suffered,I was also abused at the hands of others.So Although counselling is hard I am able to get everything out and let go.Eventually.  Denise

[Beargizmo]

That is wonderful, Denise....you are a very brave woman to face this head on and try to get past it, and I have a great deal of admiration for you..

may god bless you as you continue to recover.


Jim