Struggling with Hydro addiction

[Anima]

Hello all.  I'm currently struggling with an addiction to hydrocodone  and pain pills in general and I really need to slow down.  I've been taking all forms of pain pills for about 8 years now on and off and I've never developed an addiction until now.  I've never been addicted to anything except for a short addiction to ultrams of all things.  I'm trying to think of a good way to tell my story so I think I'll just start from the beginning.  This may get long so please bear with me.

When I was 18 I used to hear friends talk about how much fun pain pills were but I had never tried them.  Then I was at an uncle's house and I noticed 2 full 60 count 7.5 Hydrocodone bottles on his bathroom sink.  A perfect opportunity I thought.  So I grabbed 4 pills and decided to experiment later that night.  I ate a big meal and waited about 90 minutes until I took 2 of them.  Then euphoria set in.  I remember I was watching a repeat of The Practice and it was like the best show in the history of TV.  I remember all of a sudden getting along with my mom and thinking she was my best friend.  Everything was sooooooooo great.  Then I got a little sick and ate a little something and took the next two.  I then entered into the next phase which was zoning in and out of consciousness.  That was also great.  Just smoking cigs and phasing in and out.  I suppose this harmless night started it all.  Whenever I got the chance I would steal some pills and take them.  But I didn't get the chance that often so no addiction ever set in.  I would go 6 months without any and wouldn't even think of it.  Of course during that time my tolerence built up and I had to take more and more.  I also realized that I would never duplicate that feeling of euphoria I felt that first time I took them but that didn't stop me from trying.  However I could duplicate the feeling of zoning in and out and that was suitable.

Then I suppose the stars aligned this March and through various sources I was able to get my hands on hydros just about all the time.  I haven't went more than 3 days without them since.  All of this without paying for any by the way.  Slowly my life started to revolve around them.  I used to enjoy going out and having a few beers with my friends and just having fun in general.  But my idea of a good time got to be popping 10 - 15 hydros and smoking pot alone at my house.  Sometime ago I realized this was getting to be a major problem.  There were several reasons for this.  One was I was scared I was going to get caught stealing them.  Another was I was worried about my liver.  But the most important was I was tired of being a slave to the pills.  So for the last month every time I have taken some was supposed to be my last.  "This is the last time" I tell myself while washing some down.  Then the next day I always think about getting some more.  It's almost like I become a zombie.  The part of me that knows I have to quit gets shutdown until I get my fix.

Then this last weekend starting on Thursday I went on a little bend.  I took 30 hydros and 10 percs from Thursday to Saturday and my tolerence is so high I got no buzz whatsoever.  So I decided that was it and I haven't taken anything since but I feel as if I'm going to go crazy.  The bad thing is I have no physical withdrawal symptoms whatsoever.  It's all mental which makes me feel horrible about myself.  I tell myself it should be easy to quit without any physical symptoms but I just don't know if I can.  From the minute I wake up until I go to bed I think about getting a fix.  I just crave pain pills.  I'm entering my 4th day now and I'm hoping it starts to get better but I just don't know.

When I got hooked on Ultrams the thing that helped my though it of all things was Gabapentin (Neurontin).  It just made me feel better.  I can't get any now but I can get Phenytoin and Topamax which I think is in the same class of drug.  Are they the same or are they vastly different?  I guess that is a better question for a medical professional and I guess I will ask them if this craving feeling doesn't go away.

To anybody who has read through this mess I thank you and ask that you pray for me.

[TJack]

My prayer time is coming up and i have added you to my list.  You have made the first step.  You know you need help.  I don't quite understand how you are mentally addicted but not physically.  I think or know i was just the opposite.
There is help out there, reach out to someone, dr. or counselor.  Please keep posting.  God Bless. TJack

[mr.lucky66]

I have a friend who is a Pharmacist and had almost the same story. He was stealing pills for a few years and got caught. He had no physical withdrawls but it was very mental. He then had to go into a diversion program and all the scrutiny of his colleges. He know is doing fine and hasn't had a narcotic in many years and still works in the Pharmacy. He has a different addiction than me as it was physical and I need some meetings and a lot of God. It's tough when peole generalize about addiction because there are levels of dependency. I am  one of the most dependent types but it doesn't sound like you are there but could probably get there. I hope you can stop before serious trouble begins. all the best

[road2recovery]

welcome..

I guess you should wish yourself lucky for no pysical pain..For me i am glad i felt so bad, so i don't want to ever go back there..
I don't know anything about the meds you are talking about..

I will tell you i have over 60 days and there are times i still have cravings...I would look into some type of aftercare, whether it be meetings, counsouler, etc..

you sound like you really want off of this rollar coaster so, i think you will make it..
good luck
r2r