after decades of active addictions it was not fun nor euphoric it was a boring,depressing and listless place and one the spirit self fades. only thinking of one thing of thinking you are involved but you are not only with yourself.. counting watching the clock od is what it took for me to think about stopping loosing my memories and ability to write and read was what convinced me I was going to die, I have liver disease kidney disease and hep C this did not stop me it took loosing my very self.. I do not miss the person I use to be and I do not miss the rituals.. lesa
Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired.
I suddenly realized that I was going through w/d a good portion of every day...for a long time. I just thought I was sick from 'another' illness. The only good thing (if there is such a thing) is that I kept to the prescribed dose...
I hated having brain stutters..and fog...I also thought that that was due to my other disease..now I am finding some clarity and able to follow a linear train of thought..pretty cool.
I knew it was time when I watched my mom who was also addicted get admitted to the hospital, smuggling in her own meds and take their dose and hers. She actually brought an alarm clock into the hospital to wake her when her dose was due! I started to see a similar behavior in myself and said.....yup, here's your sign! These cycles seem to repeat themselves through generations. Wanna do my part to stop it in my circle of life.
When you can no longer convince yourself that your wife and kids are more important than the pills.
When you realize the meal you just ate totally ruined the effects of the pills you took just 20 minutes earlier.
When you get around to clearing out all of the empty pill bottles from your secret stash spots and see that you've filled a large trash bag.
When you start keeping pills under the matress on your side of the bed just to make sure you can get to them quickly and quietly.
When you go ahead and take the handfull of pills you just puked up from gagging on the quantity. ( Sad, I have actually done that. Threw them into a small glass of water to rinse them a little and then drank them down.)
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