choice?

I was browsing the internet the other day and came across this forum. I see so many suffering, and also others making heroic sacrifices and choices, to better themselves. It brought to point of tears @ times. I also wanted to share my addiction problem.  

It all started with my back, 2 ruptured discs and surgery at 18 years of age, what else but narcotics (oxycontin, 40's) and  anti-inflammatories, to cure the pain,.. As soon as the first perk went into effect, I was in heaven. I never did recreational drugs, maybe marijuana only at parties, and drank socially. This was better, who cared if  I hurted or not, the feelings the pills brought, they washed away everyything, so I thought, school, pressure, etc.,etc.,

Fast forward 10 years, what turned from such an innocent injury, and pain management, to a full blown addiction, doing everything to find it, doctors, hospitals, streets, friends, family, even stealing them, popping, then to the good stuff, snorting (crushing), baking(peeling) injecting.. Let's not forget the addicted personality, no interest, but where the next high was coming from. I never did anything without them, concerts, dates, school, movies, u name it, a C was there. Physically, I was a big athletic, gal, 5,11, 150Lbs, in 10 years, down to 98-110 Lbs, it always flucuated., cramps, spit & snort spells, diaherria (spell check there), rebound migraines, dark circles from mal-nourishment are just some of other effects. School and work started to suffer, pulled away from friends, I just sat and lived in my own little paradise so I thought, doing nothing, but getting high., my top stats were, 5-8 40's a day that was when I wasnt broke, lol, lowest was a dry spell, zip, couldnt find any, doctors knew me, pain counsellors, hospitals, I was flagged now, but it brought me to a crossroads of sorts, Do I want to continue? there is always other cities, street , Or do I want my life back????  

I said THAT'S IS IT, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, I became so angry and frustrated with myself, and the drug itself. I went back to my apartment, and threw out everything, decided to keep a journal through this, I decided it was me who has to quit, noone else, they're supporter's yes, but it was me who had to change, they can't do it for me!!! I locked myself up for what I know was gonna be hell on earth literally,, I went cold turkey, no other medication, except for diarreha (that name again) medicine, and advil.It was horrendous, migraine, chills, anxiety, aches, vomitting, sweats, tremors, no sleep, barely eating, weak, not to mention the heart flutters, that was just on the first night, I made it through it, always in the back of my mind even when popping and snorting, I thought it was too late I was gonna die. Nope, I kept living, day 2 finally rolled around, symptoms subsided alittle, finally ate (tuna of all things, remembered my training days, good source of protein, use to be a swimmer, and gymnast), watched tv., slept alittle, 10 mins here and there. Day3, symptoms subsided even more, , moved around better, still had headaches, tired, etc., after day 7 ! was somewhat normal except for the poops.

I know I haven't lived life very long 18 years before this started, but I knew I wanted to live more. Yes there were occasions or triggers they call them to just get some oxy u'll feel better, but nope I didnt want it,   I seen what I went through, I was hiding, living in a haze, thinking I needed them to enjoy things, and didnt want to face pain either physically, or mentally, I never want to go back. It's been 15 years now of sobriety and no looking back, not one narcotic, alcohol, or smoke., some advil, heatburn medicine, of course, These days, now, are so clear, vivid, conversations, music, friends, career, finished school, married. I still have the bad back, but now, nothing but alternative medicine, therapy, excercising, swimming, massages, ice packs, u name it, I tried it and it works, I'm not cured by all means, but at least I can LIVE ...In some cases we do not have a choice, cancer, chronic/terminal illnesses, but the rest of us do, we have a choice either in being an addict or not one, hating ourselves, or loving ourselves. Times get tough, but like my granny use to always say, wipe your feet off, and try, try again, and don't you look back!!, she never did a drug in her life.   It's your Choice.?????..

Thank-you for reading, I see so many caring, understanding individuals on this site, it's amazing. I just wanted to share my journey. Keep pursuing a better life for yourselves, in everyway, not just in addiction......you all have a gift, life..sorry didnt have any questions just wanted to share...:)))

[lil_addict]

OMG WOW THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE VERY INSPIRING POST!!!  I really needed to here you say all that.  You've been off of them for 15 years now and never looked back?  Wow, I'm on day 4, today and I must say yesterday and this morning was worse than day 1 and 2.  I'm was taking oxycodone 30mg and oxycontin 80mg.  I think the reason why it waited til now to hit me hard was because they are time released.  I'm really feeling bad.  I'm a bit better in the last hour or so but i think it's because I'm reading all these nice posts.  I love the joke ones.  They really make me feel better i just can't sleep though.  I've been cryin' for the last 2 days but i tell ya, I'm so glad u posted this.  Congrats on the 15 years of sobriety!!  You are such a strong and very nice person.  Thanks for all the kind words!!

Hope you have a wonderful day today and you are in my thoughts and prayers.  

Take care and god bless,

Lil.  :)

[RCSLADY]

Today is day five for me.  I went to the doctor on Thursday for pills and that is when I found out the New York State Department of Health faxed all my doctors about my drug seeking behaviour.  So no pills on Thusday, and I began my detox....I've known for along time that I had to quit and this gave me the push I so needed.

I have been on pills since 1990 when I got some from a dentist.  It was love at first sight.  I've been on and off over the last several years with the longest clean time being 2 and a half years.

I tried the methadone route and stayed on methadone for several years.  NEVER AGAIN.  This detox is a walk in the park compared to one off methadone.

Today I am going to work.  I used up all my sick time when I was dope sick or running from doctor to doctor to get pills.  I have some vacation time left but I am going on a cruise in September.  I was so worried about how I was going to get enough pills for the cruise and now I don't have to worry any more since I NO LONGER TAKE PILLS.