Aa
hopeless
How are you feeling? I just read your post and I cried because I swear you pulled every word you wrote straight from my head. There have been so many times I’ve said I’m not quitting, because I’ll never be happy without the pills. I gave up smoking, I gave up drinking (I am an alcoholic and almost killed myself drinking myself to death) and I managed. But take away my pills and I want to die. I needed them or nothing else mattered. I have two beautiful children (they are 2 and 3) and a good husband. But I didn’t look to them for happiness. I didn’t get up in the morning excited to kiss those babies or see their faces. I got up only willing to start the day if I had my fix. Only THEN was I the good mom who got them up and cooked them breakfast and played with them. My world revolved around my pills. I would be in a better mood as soon as I took them, before they even had a chance to kick in – just because I knew they were in my system. I needed them for everything. Hubby wants to be intimate, let me take a few extra to be in a good mood to do that. We are going to my mother in law’s house (who I don’t like), let me take a few extra – and then I’ll be her best friend. I have a job interview to go on – a few extra to loosen me up and have that great personality. I have to clean the house, let me take my pills and once they kick in I’ll have the energy to do that. The family wants to go out of town for the weekend? My first thought – I have to get enough pills before we leave to take with me.
Without them – why are the kids bugging me? Leave mommy alone. You’re hungry? Here’s a frozen TV dinner. We can’t go to the park today, mommy doesn’t feel good, go play in your room. God what a horrible mother. Hubby, I’m not the in mood, quit touching me. Why does everyone at work keep talking to me? Leave me alone. What the hell are you so happy about anyway? Take your “good morning” and shove it.
Two completely different people.
HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM? I CAN’T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT THEM! I still don’t know, but you know what? I have to learn. I still look at people in the store, here at work, even on TV and wonder how they can be so happy and energetic without narcotics. What’s the point? How do they do everything they do? How are they motivated? Was I ever like that before I came addicted to these things? It’s been so long I can’t even remember. When I quit once two years ago I remember telling my husband I felt great being off of everything. But could that have really been true? My only hope is that it was – and it will be again. I still can’t imagine doing even every day things without them, let alone anything above and beyond that. But maybe we’ll surprise ourselves. Maybe we’ll look back in 6 months and say “I never thought I could feel this good”. I pray that happens for all of us.
Without them – why are the kids bugging me? Leave mommy alone. You’re hungry? Here’s a frozen TV dinner. We can’t go to the park today, mommy doesn’t feel good, go play in your room. God what a horrible mother. Hubby, I’m not the in mood, quit touching me. Why does everyone at work keep talking to me? Leave me alone. What the hell are you so happy about anyway? Take your “good morning” and shove it.
Two completely different people.
HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM? I CAN’T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT THEM! I still don’t know, but you know what? I have to learn. I still look at people in the store, here at work, even on TV and wonder how they can be so happy and energetic without narcotics. What’s the point? How do they do everything they do? How are they motivated? Was I ever like that before I came addicted to these things? It’s been so long I can’t even remember. When I quit once two years ago I remember telling my husband I felt great being off of everything. But could that have really been true? My only hope is that it was – and it will be again. I still can’t imagine doing even every day things without them, let alone anything above and beyond that. But maybe we’ll surprise ourselves. Maybe we’ll look back in 6 months and say “I never thought I could feel this good”. I pray that happens for all of us.
I know what you mean by starting all over again. I quit for a few months and thought I was on top of the world. And then the same thing - a pill here, a pill there. Then I opened my eyes and I was taking more pills per day then I ever had before. I had gone back to my habit - only worse this time. After I quit that time I opened up to my family and told them I was an alcoholic and addicted to pain pills. I was changing my life and coming clean. And then my secret started again. To this day they will bring it up and tell me how great I am and how proud they are that I got through that. I feel like the biggest fraud. I would be clean for over a year now. So I know how you feel. But I decided I had to stop kicking myself and move on. I know I would have a year of being clean behind me, but I don't. Plain and simple, I don't. I can't change that. I can't say I've been clean for a year, but you know what? In a year I'll be able to say it. And you'll get there too. If it's not today, that's okay. If it's not tomorrow, that's okay too. If it's not for another 6 months, I'll still be right here for you just like I am today.
You know something, 2 weeks ago when i was so many days clean, but still struggling, i went out for a ride all alone, just to drive and think...And i told myself "Hey if all it takes is one little pill to make me feel good again,and make me be able to be be a mom and a wife, then so be it" This is what i kept telling myself while is i was driving. Then i picked up the phone and called my best friend who takes percocets, (cause she actually needs them) She was in a major motor cycle accident. I said to her the same thing if all it takes is a little pill to make me happy then so be it...She says "are you trying to convince me or yourself? I said i don't know...I just know i am miserable and don't know how to fucntion without them anymore. I want to be a good mom and a great wife, this is all i want. So i got a few pills and started all over again, only to run out, and now to this day i am going crazy looking for more....
I keep going in the same cycle time and time again...
I also read what you wrote to me today, to my husband, and i told him these are my words but from somebody else's mouth....He was so amazed, knowing that i am not the only one feeling like this...
I want to quit, but don't think in my mind i am truely ready yet! So i know it will not work until i set my mind to it...I quit and made it 14 freakin days, without taking NOTHING, it was the hardest thing i ever done, but was feeling so good about myself and how far i had come, then made that mistake of taking one here and one there, i hate me for this....I would be like on my day 37 today if i wouldnt have given up....Damm, this sucks!
Anyway, you are amazing - and i thank you again, for talking with me, and telling me your story (same as mine)...I know alot of us here have alot in common, but out of everyone, you sound identical to me.....
I look forward to talking with you again...
By the way, my phone just rang, it was my son (he is my world) and he is at football camp, has been for a week, he comes home tomorrow. He is the one thing in my life that means everything to me...He is my angel, and when i see him tomorrow, i am going to remind myself again, why i need to quit....FOR HIM
Hopeless
I keep going in the same cycle time and time again...
I also read what you wrote to me today, to my husband, and i told him these are my words but from somebody else's mouth....He was so amazed, knowing that i am not the only one feeling like this...
I want to quit, but don't think in my mind i am truely ready yet! So i know it will not work until i set my mind to it...I quit and made it 14 freakin days, without taking NOTHING, it was the hardest thing i ever done, but was feeling so good about myself and how far i had come, then made that mistake of taking one here and one there, i hate me for this....I would be like on my day 37 today if i wouldnt have given up....Damm, this sucks!
Anyway, you are amazing - and i thank you again, for talking with me, and telling me your story (same as mine)...I know alot of us here have alot in common, but out of everyone, you sound identical to me.....
I look forward to talking with you again...
By the way, my phone just rang, it was my son (he is my world) and he is at football camp, has been for a week, he comes home tomorrow. He is the one thing in my life that means everything to me...He is my angel, and when i see him tomorrow, i am going to remind myself again, why i need to quit....FOR HIM
Hopeless
wow.. you can tell a story. I wish you nothing less than the best you can do for yourself, your children, and your husband. What is the best part of this forum is that you can spill your guts about anything and this seems to be the best therapy there is, and for you to have 'seen the light' so to say is amazing at 30. I think you will beat this and be happy again without the pills. Buy a copy of The Mood Cure by Julia Ross, good book from what I have heard (have mine, have not read yet) and it will tell you different vitamins and aminos to take to help repair the brain and such. I have started taking B complex and other vitamins and the foggyness is leaving me, even though I have not been doing very well quitting myself... one day at a time... steve
Those frickin pills at first made me want to be alone if I couldn't get drugs and then made we want to be alone "in my little world" even on them. It sucks.
I swear knowing there are others who understand is helping me so much. You don’t even know. I have known of people being addicted, going through withdrawals, being dependent on the pills, etc but I have always thought “But no one understands ME. I’m different. I can’t tell anyone my real feelings or how much I hurt my family and children because they would see how horrible I am. Even other addicts would be ashamed of me”. I thought I was in another world entirely, one where no one else understood or thought like me. But I am amazed that you understand! THANK YOU!
I am also amazed at how exactly alike we are! You don’t know how much better that makes me feel. I try to explain myself to people and I can’t even put it into words. With you, you just “get it”. I could write everything you have written and vice versa. I have felt like **** for feeling the way I do, about needing pills to even be a mother. I almost couldn’t bring myself to type the truth because I feel so guilty. But I’m not alone. Thank God someone understands!
After I posted to you this morning it got me thinking. That’s when it hit me. I don’t know if you read what I posted under “To other parents going through this”, if not, here is what I wrote:
“I was just sitting here second guessing myself about going through this and quitting. My biggest question was “If taking these pills makes me happy and fun to be around, and a good mother to my kids, what is so wrong with taking them? They deserve a fun mom who plays games with them and takes them places and is happy. Why quit?”.
I had to really think about that. Then I thought back. Those were only some of the times. I forgot about all the times I ran out of pills and couldn’t get off the couch. I forgot about all the times I spent hundreds of dollars at a time buying them off the street. I forgot about all the times I wasted hours in ERs and doctors offices trying to get pills. I forgot all the times I screamed at them because I was going through withdrawals and couldn’t get more pills. I forgot about the last time my daughter stood by the door as I was getting ready to leave wanting to go and me telling her no (because I was going to go buy more pills), only to have her say “oh, do you have to go to the doctor to get medicine so you can get better?” because I had told her that countless times.. Most of all, I forgot how much my children were seeing me do this over and over and not realizing how much they knew – my daughter’s words cut me like a knife.
And there was my answer….”
I know what you mean about canceling your family vacation. I know that too well. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve promised my kids something only to not follow through because of not having pills. It kills me. And when my little 3 ½ year old (who doesn’t forget anything) keeps asking me about it all I can tell her is “later” or “another time”. I see their hearts break when I don’t follow through, yet it doesn’t stop me from doing it again and again. How many more times can I break their hearts? God, that kills me. If there is ANY chance of living life again without the pills and becoming a good mother, I have to take the chance.
We feel good on the pills (or we think), but how many bad days do we have in between? Is it really worth it? What if we CAN live without them and be happy? I say we give it a shot. We don’t have anything to lose and everything to gain.
I am on day 2 right now. It’s definitely not easy, but I’m not giving up. I can’t. Not again. I have too many times before. There are times this is kicking my ass, but I’m just trying to kick it’s ass right back.
I actually went to my husband’s work to meet him for lunch today and told him about you. I told him that it was scary how much you sounded like me!
Let’s do this, though. Let’s not continue to turn back before we even start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It might be the hardest thing we do, but it will probably be the best. And we will be tried over and over, but every trial will make us stronger.
Bizarre – as I was typing that about being tried, I saw my phone light up. One of my “connections” calling to tell me she has some pills. It’s not worth it.
After I posted to you this morning it got me thinking. That’s when it hit me. I don’t know if you read what I posted under “To other parents going through this”, if not, here is what I wrote:
“I was just sitting here second guessing myself about going through this and quitting. My biggest question was “If taking these pills makes me happy and fun to be around, and a good mother to my kids, what is so wrong with taking them? They deserve a fun mom who plays games with them and takes them places and is happy. Why quit?”.
I had to really think about that. Then I thought back. Those were only some of the times. I forgot about all the times I ran out of pills and couldn’t get off the couch. I forgot about all the times I spent hundreds of dollars at a time buying them off the street. I forgot about all the times I wasted hours in ERs and doctors offices trying to get pills. I forgot all the times I screamed at them because I was going through withdrawals and couldn’t get more pills. I forgot about the last time my daughter stood by the door as I was getting ready to leave wanting to go and me telling her no (because I was going to go buy more pills), only to have her say “oh, do you have to go to the doctor to get medicine so you can get better?” because I had told her that countless times.. Most of all, I forgot how much my children were seeing me do this over and over and not realizing how much they knew – my daughter’s words cut me like a knife.
And there was my answer….”
I know what you mean about canceling your family vacation. I know that too well. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve promised my kids something only to not follow through because of not having pills. It kills me. And when my little 3 ½ year old (who doesn’t forget anything) keeps asking me about it all I can tell her is “later” or “another time”. I see their hearts break when I don’t follow through, yet it doesn’t stop me from doing it again and again. How many more times can I break their hearts? God, that kills me. If there is ANY chance of living life again without the pills and becoming a good mother, I have to take the chance.
We feel good on the pills (or we think), but how many bad days do we have in between? Is it really worth it? What if we CAN live without them and be happy? I say we give it a shot. We don’t have anything to lose and everything to gain.
I am on day 2 right now. It’s definitely not easy, but I’m not giving up. I can’t. Not again. I have too many times before. There are times this is kicking my ass, but I’m just trying to kick it’s ass right back.
I actually went to my husband’s work to meet him for lunch today and told him about you. I told him that it was scary how much you sounded like me!
Let’s do this, though. Let’s not continue to turn back before we even start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It might be the hardest thing we do, but it will probably be the best. And we will be tried over and over, but every trial will make us stronger.
Bizarre – as I was typing that about being tried, I saw my phone light up. One of my “connections” calling to tell me she has some pills. It’s not worth it.
Sound just like me im on day 4 and day 1 was the worst for me, I had a pretty good day today the fog is clearing day by day. You will get better it just takes some time and are you taking any vitamins? They are helping me so much thanx to FLaddict. Hang in there and keep up the fight you WILL WIN....
There is no pill or any type of substance that is going to control MEEEEEE..
keep telling your self that it helps me...God bless
joe
There is no pill or any type of substance that is going to control MEEEEEE..
keep telling your self that it helps me...God bless
joe
You are just like me, EXACTLY! I mean word for word...
I too have 3 children, my son who is 14, and 2 step children ages 10, 11
I can't do anything with them, unless i have a pill. My hubby is great he loves me so much, and when he wants to have sex, i say the same thing you do, cause when i have a pill i feel like doing things, without the pills i am no one, i am lost, wanna be alone...This is so hard! And so unfair to our familys.
I also, look at other people and wonder how in the heck can they be happy, they have to be taking something, I just don't get it, i forget who i used to be. I know i was fun before and always happy, but now i need them pills to feel this way. I cancelled our family vacation to our beach house this year, cause i didnt have enough pills to take with me, this broke my kids heart...I hate me when i dont have the pills....
I wonder if i will ever get better again, i am a very weak person. Want to be strong again, but i just keep failing time and time again.
Oh girl, what you said to me in your posts, was like looking at my own words. I mean every single word of it....
I am so glad you wrote to me, and please keep posting to me, we are so much alike, and i would love to know how you are doing.
Did you quit yet? If not, are you planning on it soon?
Please let me know....
Again, thank you so very much....I am telling you, you and me are just alike, word for word....
Hopeless
I too have 3 children, my son who is 14, and 2 step children ages 10, 11
I can't do anything with them, unless i have a pill. My hubby is great he loves me so much, and when he wants to have sex, i say the same thing you do, cause when i have a pill i feel like doing things, without the pills i am no one, i am lost, wanna be alone...This is so hard! And so unfair to our familys.
I also, look at other people and wonder how in the heck can they be happy, they have to be taking something, I just don't get it, i forget who i used to be. I know i was fun before and always happy, but now i need them pills to feel this way. I cancelled our family vacation to our beach house this year, cause i didnt have enough pills to take with me, this broke my kids heart...I hate me when i dont have the pills....
I wonder if i will ever get better again, i am a very weak person. Want to be strong again, but i just keep failing time and time again.
Oh girl, what you said to me in your posts, was like looking at my own words. I mean every single word of it....
I am so glad you wrote to me, and please keep posting to me, we are so much alike, and i would love to know how you are doing.
Did you quit yet? If not, are you planning on it soon?
Please let me know....
Again, thank you so very much....I am telling you, you and me are just alike, word for word....
Hopeless
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