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i really cant take being a prisoner of my own body anymore

ok so i haven tposted in a while my husband doesnt like me posting on here bc he is worried for some reaon. well i didnt tell u guys this but i fianlly told my husband the truth i had been stealing his oxycontin from him every week i would steal about 10 pills and he would be wondering where all his medication was and never suspected me just thought he was miscounting. i am so horrible i cannot live with myself anymore that is how bad my addiction is i stole from my own husband and made him feel like he was going crazy. i am such a bad person. well now i want to stop and i dont think ther tapering is working very weel. my husband is now only giving me what ineed for the day and he keeps his pills locked in a safe. i always whine for more though bc i feel like **** and he give me more. i really feel like i cannot escape this. i think im going to go to my doctor and tell him i need a counselor and help. please anyone that can give me some more advice or just some kind words i would appreciate it. i feel like the worlds biggest loser and the most hoorible person on this earth. last weekend i couldnt even look at my husband anymore bc of all the bad things i have done to him, he feels this is his fault b c he got me started on the pills but i blame only msyelf. i left my house friday night and thought i was losing my mind. my husband needs these pills but sometimes i dont think i can live with him bc the pills are always there. he is so sick right now an d i dont kmnow what to do i am soo stressed. i was thinking of getting off the pills first and then leaving for a while so i am not around the pills. i really dont know what to do please help!
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Avatar universal
Hi - first of all..YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. I really feel for you, especially when the drug you think you need is right within your reach.

My advice to you - Do not wait until December. Go find a doctor.
I was taking Vicidin for over a year and a half. When I finally decided enough was enough, hitting that rock bottom, I told mt psychiatrist and he put me on a drug called Subutex - there is another drug also called Suboxone - I am sure you have read other peoples posts - but if you take this drug, it helps your brain feel "normal" no craving for what you want, no withdrawals, and it will make it bearable to live in the house with your husbands pills. Not to mention - if your husband see's you taking this medication that will help you recover, your relationship will become less strained and much better because you are actively doing something to take care of your addiction. Also - a counselor... I couldn't be doing this without a counselor or the support of my family.....

Don't wait until December when you have time off to taper.

Anyway.....Good luck and you are in my thoughts. And your marriage is stronger than you think....you might need to work a little harder but Don't give up on the person you love.

Why do you feel you can't go on staying with your husband? Do you think that you will not love him if you are off the pills?
You are in my thoughts - take care - and consider going to a doctor, you have nothing to lose and all the help in the world to gain.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
GOD, i feel for you....I am kind of lost for words right now..Really....I want to say go ahead with out him..But then you just got married and you must love him, then just these pills are in the way..I know for me my emotions are not the same off of these pills...I am serious, everything changes..I love my husband more then i did over 60 days ago...
you need to set up a profile you don't have to put a pictire,....just so you can get messages..It really helps..
r2r
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hi, thank u for responding, i am just so confused and depressed i hate msyelf right now and that is not a good thing. i am not trying to be whinye or anything i am just so lost right now. i mean my husband takes them for a slipped and degenrative disc in his back. even i can get off these pills he has a ton of pills locked in a safe and i fear that somehow i will find a way to get to them and i cannot live in a house with pills. he is not ready to stop taking them bc he is in so much pain , his doctor prescribes him 9 80mg oxys per day!! he doesnt take that much he only takes about 7-8, sometimes less. so we only have been married since march but already everything is working against us. i dont know if i can do this, i think i need to move on without him i feel that i am being selfihs even after he forgave me for stealing his pills i dont think i can be with him. i am going to beat this i know but i am so scared of what lies ahead
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
like everyone said you are not a horrible person..I have done some really stupid things to get pills..That never in my life i thought i would do..but that is really not the real us..That is the drug.

First i think your plan of callling your doc is great, and seeing counsouler is even better..It will be tough to live with the drugs in the house..But you need to realize that he needs them...Now, i am only saying this but to be honest with you, i would have a really hard time if my hubby had them all the time...He would have to lock them up..Even now, with having 60 days...I think this is forever once we become addicts..

Does your hubby take as persribed? and if you don't mind me asking what does he take them for?
girl i know you feel so scared and depresses, i was there....BUT stay with us and let us help you
post when you can
r2r
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
well thank you guys for the great dvice and making me feel better. iam just so lost i dont know when my life got so ot of control. iam only 25 yrs old ijust started a greta job and imso scared of losing everything. i just cannot believe the perosn i have become idont even know myself anymore. well ihave a week off the begginning of december th e35rd till the 10th so ithinki am going to continue to taper till then adn then go to my doctor and tell him what is going on. that way i will have a week to get better adn not be at work, that willbe my bday weekmaybe a new beginning too of the rest of my life as u said jennkitten. i am so scared and depressed, i dont know if i can be wiht my husbandanymore after all of the things i have done i think i need a whole newlife wihtout pills iknow that sounds selfish but i feel like im losing it. i need to beat this or else i dont know if i will be aroundto enojy life anymore.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
... I think it's a great and courageous idea to talk to your doctor about couceling and/or support.

what do you have to lose?   nothing... and you have everything to gain.

i hope you give it a try.. it could very well be just the thing you need.  i betcha it is...

good luck.. and you are NOT horrible.  you are simply an addict, just like the rest of us.  that is not horrible, bad, or wrong... what you can only do now is what is your responsibility - getting into recovery.

you can do it.  i really do think talking to your doc about support is a great idea.  and again - please stop beating yourself up.. there is no need.  if you want to do something, don't beat yourself up - just take a step in the direction of getting help.

good luck, sweetheart...
mj
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well first off you are not a horrible person ad EVERYONE has f*#ked up. We just have to evaluate our situation and prioritize. I am 1 week into detoxing from Hydrocodone and yeah I hit a rock bottom and felt like a bad, terrible person and mother. But I said this has controlled me and I am not in control of my own life. Here I escape 2 abusive husbands and a damn little pill has me cripled! Break free - only if your ready  and take your life and marriage back. But I think we all know we have to really want to for it to work. You sound like a strong person and have a heart just in a bad rut ...no big deal " This too shall pass"      and my favorite" TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE"


You are in my prayers .......Hope I could be of help a little bit at least!
Helpful - 0
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