need help with marriage after addiction

[mtdorashane]

I need help keeping my wife after lying to her for 18 months about my opiate addiction,,,Please if anyone has experianced this situation please help.......I love her so much but she just dont understand!!!!!!!

[ConstructionJim]

I don't know enough about your situation to offer any expert advise.  But I can tell you what has always worked with me and my one and only wife of 29 yrs....30th anniversary this coming New Years Eve 2011.  The three C's..Communication, Commitment, Compromise.   Communication is key...DON"T STOP TALKING TO HER!!! and don't let her shut you out...whatever it takes.  Commitment.  Demonstrate your love and commitment to your relationship...small things,  fixing dinner for her.....giving her shoulders a nice massage after a long day...she probably hurts too.   and compromise....let her know you can change and are willing to make concessions....it goes both ways.  I wish you the best of Luck brother....I, for one, would rather loose my life, than loose my wife.

[Mikeinthesouth]

Don't beat yourself up so bad just try to learn from your past because it is gone its today that we have work on that and pray you do the same tomorrow god willing. Good luck to you and hang in there regardless.

[ClaudiaKishi]

I've always been honest about my addiction to the guys I've dated, I think she is not so much upset with you about the actual opiates, but that you didn't give her the choice. The choice to decide for herself whether or not you were worth the addiction battle..and I bet give her some time and she will see that you truly are. Just give it some time.

[lonelyguyy]

yes mtdorashane is right. i hope u do the best to win back ur wife, i been  abusing a cough syrup and sleeping pill regular and my wife leave me. now she had a bf i feel so depressed but we must stay strong. i am trying quitting all the stuff right now and start a new life.. god bless

[Danielle1216]

Hey we all make mistakes and sometimes our nerves just give into what happening now,we are like omg i screwed up ,we feel hopless,but time heals all things ,trust me i know this ,im married but should be divorced.In the end we truely beat ourselves up for things ,we can not let go of....but ,you did it for 11 yrs before ,dont think just because you screwed up it doesnt count,that amazing !!! You can do it again!! You have to keep your mind strong,I know you have one ,11yrs,remember,???I had a serious pain pill prob myself,but i went to a methadone clinic for help,2 yrs and now i have been clean for 1 week today,I know I am going to be ok,because my mind is set ,now all you have to do is set yours and live for today,dont worry about yesterday or tomarrow,live for today......Im here if you need me ....Danielle

[mtdorashane]

every time i visit this site i ball my eyes out that we have all hurt our families / loved ones so much with this stupid **** we call drug addiction so so so sad...  i fing hate doc that just want your $90 a months so most of us thing we are not addict we are just doing what our dr Rx what a joke :(  

[mtdorashane]

yes i am trying to give her all the space the needs, i moved to my mothers and i visit a little more every day.  I think things are starting to get better decause she just sent me a text to come over decause she would like to see me and it was 430am so i know she's thinking good things

I was allways the best husban very successful, ( i am a past addict from 2002 clean for almost 10 years i think i got to cocky and thought i had it under control) was allways there for her (very dad depression / pmdd) some times she would go 2 months without taking her meds and life would get really touf.  That was a small part a very small part,  not saying it;s her fault but that how i delt with stress.......              tha last thing she needed!!!!!!!!

[dominosarah]

Our actions speak louder than words in this situation.  Give your wife sometime to let this sink in as it is a shock to her right now.  Learn all you can about addiction and ask her to be a part of this.  She is scared right now as her world has been turned upside down also.  Talk with her, allow her her feelings and keep reassuring her you love her.  Hope all works out~~~sara

[mtdorashane]

Thank  you so  much for your responce,  she is very educated (but not an addict) about addiction...its kinda of the under lying cause that she found my Rx.'s and i did not come to her for help 18 mon ago!! I was going to an elvise doctor that would give me what every i wanted (i needed nothing) so its the lie that is killing her!! I am clean now because my wifes parentes came and got me took my cell & car keys its been 10 days but i know what to expect this addiction thang got me back in 2002 so i was clean for almost 11 years ( what the f is wrong with me)   "Did not spell check sorry"

[susan19781978]

hi i did the same thing to my fiance.although he was a drug user too he had a job in the mines to support our family.i lied etc etc etc then he found out EVERYTHING. that was 3yrs ago.  i lost our home we had bought ,we are still together but its been sooooo hard to get back what we had. there is trust now but abit of doubt (of course) because he was a addict he understands so i guees in my situation that helped out greatly. if you want to make this work, lots of time and prove to her (somehow) that your trustworthy.it does takr time but if you both love each other its WORTH it,good luck mate

[bmdad]

I'm sorry but I don't really have any advice for you but wanted to make some recommendations. Someone that is not an addict will never understand no matter how much it is explained to them or how much they think they know but in order to somewhat understand they have to do some research. The best way for her to try and understand is by having her come on her and read through the threads. She can also get support for herself as I'm sure you know that addiction affects family members as much as it does the addict.

Some much respect is lost due to our behavior and actions. We lied, we spent all kinds of money and put our drug of choice 1st in our life. For someone that knows nothing about addiction thinks they we loved our pills or drugs more than them even though this is hardly the case.

You need to try and regain her trust. Trust is something that doesn't come easy to begin with let alone after we kept a secret and told hundreds of lies during the time we were actively using. Some trust may never be able to be regained again. The only way to regain it is by proving yourself to her in any ways you can. Nothing can be a secret anymore.

I know I didn't give you much to do on but hope it helped some. Not sure if you know but there an addiction social side and an addiction substance abuse side. You posted on the social side. You may want to post on the other as more people pay attention to that and you will get more replies than over here.

Are you getting any aftercare? As an addict you really need to. It will also help to prove to her that you are doing everything in your ability to keep from relapsing. The chance of relapse is high without some sort of aftercare. Is she getting any kind of care such as Al-anon meetings? They would help her understand addiction a little better and teach her the tools needed to help herself and to support you.

Here's the link....

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/show/77?camp=msc&personal_page_id=864505