relationship ruined bc of lorotabs

[kn1234]

My boyfriend and I had been together for about 7 months. He has been to rehab in the beginning of november 06 for loratabs. We started dating in febuary. He had been sober and had not been to a night club since rehab. When we started dating he started to drink occasionally with me. Then came the loratabs. At first it was a few.. like 2 or 3. He would use the excuse that it was just 'this weekend' and promised me (still to this day) that he would never be the way he was before. He continued to get them behind my back, maybe once in close to a month. I caught him alot of the time and wouldnt speak to him for a day or so. He promised he wouldnt do it again or at least try. This changed our relationship. I never trusted him. I would ask him everyday if he took a loratab, i would watch out the window when he would go to his truck (he hid them there). I drove myself crazy. Always questioning him and never believing anything he said. The last time i caught him, he swore that he would really try and he would tell me if he bought some and at least not lie to me about it. So a few days ago, he decided to get some and he was honest with me. He said he would buy 4 and ended up buying close to 10. He works in the lawn service buisness and his co-workers all take loratabs too. I said i had enough. I could not deal with it anymore. He thought it was okay since he was honest with me. The next day after work he ended up not coming home, not answering the phone for 2 hours and finally texting me that he was at the bar. I decided to pack my stuff and leave him. I believe i deserved a phone call for everything i have been through. He finally called the next day crying that he couldnt call me because he did other drugs that afternoon.. cocaine.. and he couldn't talk to me because i would have been able to tell my his voice. He swears he will go to meetings everyweek and not do this again. I love him but i cant drive myself crazy over it anymore.. i dont think i will be able to trust him. and i dont want to hurt him. but i've reached my limit.... any advice?
  

[FLaddict]

Good for you girl.. take care of yourself.. you don't need it in your life.. you sound like an amazing young lady that deserves much more than that..

XOXO

[kn1234]

im still hanging in there! haven't given in and i dont think that i will. i rather go through a break up then spend everyday worrying if my boyfriend has taken pills!!! xoxoxo

[FLaddict]

Girly I hope you do the right thing for you. You hold the power to choose what you want for your future. There are women here who have been stuck with their addict boyfriends or husbands for years, struggling lies, missing money, not coming home, ect.. You are at the point where you can walk away and learn from this what you want for yourself what you deserve to have in a relationship. 7 months is not that much time invested you could still walk away unscathed. If you would like to talk please don't hesitate to email me, my email is in my profile just click my name (its blue) Girly I have been there and done that.. got the tee shirt... so if you need someone to talk to that has been there.. I am here for ya.. I don't want you to waste all the time I did and get hurt and jaded like I was. Before I met my now husband I hated men due to my old bad relationship with an addict/alcoholic. my husband turned me around for the better.

XOXO
Stephanie

[TimH2]

Your bf is young and has an addictive personality. It is not going to change no matter how much love you give him. I am a hydro addict and became so at 35 and will be 37 in a few weeks. I am struggling to quit and trying very hard. I have never done other drugs (did pot) but became addicted to painkillers because of legit pain. This happens to the best of us, especially if you have to take pain medication for any length of time. This does not seem to be the case with your bf and I view it differently. From what I have read he does different drugs/alcohol for recreational reasons only and has already failed at rehab. I know you love him, but you are more than likely going to suffer with his addiction for many years if you stick with him. I agree with others that you should make a clean break. I think what bothers me the most is that he convinced you to take a narcotic. He knows how addictive the drug is and wants you to partner with him. It would make it so easy for him to buy the drugs if you used too. Is that love? You sound like a very intelligent young lady and deserve the best in life. Don't wast a minute of it!!!!

God Bless,
Tim

[kn1234]

FLaddict.. wow def hit the nail on the head. that one really got into my head. thankyou.. you are totally right..

[grievingwidow]

just flat leave and never look back.  this guy sounds like he either already has a major addiction or he will have soon and you do not need that; leave, leave, leave.  if you were my daughter I would ask you what in the hell you were thinking staying with him for this long.

[FLaddict]

Honey, please don't waste your precious 20's with a man that could possibly bring you down. I wasted years of my life with someone that chose other things over me and out relationship.  IF I could turn back time to when I was 21 I would do alot of things differently concerning relationships. It would have changed alot of things. Your early 20's are a time for you to figure out who you want to be and who you are.. you should not be in this position. Of course you care about him, but there are so many other guys that will not lie to you or treat you this way. I remember I felt like I could save him. or get him to change and we would be happy.. Years later of trying and getting hurt in the process I realized you cannot change someone and you certainly can't save them especially from themselves..
I hope you follow not only your heart but also that good head you have on your shoulders. It sounds like your mom raised you well.. and you have already a good outlook on life. Good luck to you..

[kn1234]

Goodnight :)

[hopeless]

You are very welcome! This is a hard time, trust me when i say i have been through alot, and i am not sure exactly what i am doing, but i do know in my heart now that i need to quit this thing once and for all.

Having some time apart for this week is a good thing for you and for him. Maybe it'll be a wake up call for him. I am pulling for you and know you will do the right thing. I know you miss him, but look at it this way - by staying apart for a few days or a week could really wake him up and make him realize what he is going to lose if he don't get his act together, right?

You are doing the right thing, don't be hard on yourself, and never ever let him make you feel guilty either! You are better than that...

Ok, hitting the hay now...my eyes won't stay open any longer!  Lol

Good Night
Hope

[kn1234]

Wow.. thanks! You have given me some good advice.. and so has everyone else. Sounds like you are having a hard time yourself. But sounds like you also know what you should do to help yourself overcome it. I have taken a few lts myself, he had convinced me to.. and i know how they make you feel good. So i understand that part, but its so hard for me to understand the rest. Thanks for your help. In my heart, i miss him. but my gut feeling is telling me to move on, even though it will be hard. He keeps calling and texting me that he loves me, and he wont give up on us. So i at least told him to try to leave me alone for this week so that i can get my thoughts and feelings together. Even though i think my mind may be made up. We shall see... thanks again guys.

[hopeless]

Hunny, you sound so wise and have a great head on your shoulder. You are thinking the right ways, and i know that this is hurting you. These damm pills just control a person in a way that you will never understand unless you have been there. You will know in your heart what you need to do. I feel sad for you, you are only 21 and are already learning and dealing with issues that you shouldn't have to be dealing with. I can tell that you do love him, and also want to stay with him, cause if you didn't you would have never have come to this forum. Like i said, you will know in your heart what you need to do. If you do stay with him, just take one day at a time, and keep posting here and give us updates, cause it will help you to understand what you can expect next and next...When you said about him geting that one out of the garbage even though he had more in the truck, this is normal...When we are addicted to these things, every little pill matters - believe it or not! It is so amazing how they just take over us! I know you are finding it hard to trust him right now cause of all the lies he has told you, but you have to remember that it does not mean he don't love or care about you, you see i am also addicted to percocets, and have been for 4 years, i am married to a wonderful man and have a 14 year old son, and 2 step kids. Now that i have become completely honest with my hubby i do feel so much better, and although this is such a struggle i am determined to beat this thing this time around. I had quit so many times and then i always find an excuse to start using again. Well today, makes day 2 for me without nothing. I was almost 2 weeks into it, then Friday i found 10 pills and i did take them and they were gone by Saturday. I am hurting right now, but i also know i have to do this. My point is, is that it can be done, and even though it is prob. one of the toughest things (for me) to ever go through in my life i know my family comes first and i refuse to lose them over this addiction.

So whatever you decide to do, i wish you all the best and i know you will chose to do the right thing. You are a very smart girl and coming here and asking for advice just goes to show that you do care for him or you wouldn't have even made the effort to come this far.

Just remember, you are so young and sounds like you have alot going for yourself and if at any time you see him NOT trying anymore or whatever or if you just get to the point that you can't take it anymore, then you need to move on. If you chose to stay with him, i commend you on that, it is hard but giving him the support is just as hard on the one who is clean. So i just want to end this by saying no matter what happens, he has a good/wonderful girl there and if he chooses to screw it up then he will be the one losing out, not you!

You stay strong, and remember it is the pills that make an addict act/do/lie...Doesn't really make him a bad guy, This addiction is horrible, and unless one truely knows how it controls us it is so hard to really know how it takes over our minds. We crave them, we feel that we can't live without them, It is a nasty disease! But it can be beaten!

You need anything, please just ask!

Heading to bed now, but will be around late tomorrow afternoon...

Hope

[kn1234]

i totally understand. he is a good person. he told me that he would think about the pills alot. and you are right. he trys to be sneaky and manipulative. his father is a recovering addict also. he says the same things you guys are telling me. he said that if i have a conversation with an addict for 30 minutes they will make you believe they have everything under control. i also understand what you say about being mature to deal with this. and i believe i am, but not mature enough because i really cant. i have trouble dealing with my own problems. not that i didnt want to help him. but i have tried soo many times. its tough when you give up things for someone and they cant give up things for you until its too late..

[1234betterlife]

you are only 21, please find someone that is your friend. someone whom you can trust in good times and bad. please learn that there are a lot of good people out there. he is not a bad person like hope said but the addict has an intense concentration on what they want. you have to be extremely mature to deal with this disease. but you can make the choice right now not to suffer unnecessarily. he will keep using. this is not over. we will promise you the world so you will leave us alone. and we can be very efficient and sneaky, not because we do not love ;you but because we love those d*** pills more. do you understand. i don't mean to be negative. but this sounds like a time to baleout of this relationship. at 21, knowing what i know now. i would run and not look back.

[kn1234]

Your right. And thats what i am trying to figure out.. do i love him enough to do this. I have told him before that i would go to meeting with him.. and he'd always say he would go then push it off. I asked him do you think you will ever be able to completely stop or for at least a while? He told me that he would have to go to meeting every week. I have just reached my limit with him. Always counting his money to see if he's gone and gotten some, asked him everyday if he took one that day, i always think he is lying to me when he needs money for something. A few days ago, before i left him, he bought those 8 lts (lorotabs) i was talking about before. He actually put one on the counter and i threw it in the trash. At first he didnt say anything. Then he told me he was getting it out of the trash!!! I could not believe him. He had more in the truck but had to get that one out. Thats when i decided i had enough. I guess me leaving him could lead to two things: He will either get worse.. or he will get better. If he gets better,  maybe losing me had to take that. But im doubting that i will want to put myself in the situation again. I may only be 21, but i think i have the brain of some one older, ha. I have a good job and i just cant let this affect my life. I cant handle the worrying like i do.. thank you guys for replying!

[hopeless]

Wow!

All i can really say is that if you truely love him and you want to be with him, then this is going to be just as hard on you also. He needs to want to quit in order for it to be done! Having the support of someone you love really does help the person that is using. The choice has to be yours, no one else's. If you choose to stay, it will be a long rocky road ahead. It is not easy getting off these nasty pills. They take over our minds and therfore, that is all we can think about. Where can we get our next batch of pills at? OMG I am almost out, so now what am i going to do? See all these questions stick with us, and just take over our lives. Don't make us a bad person, it is just the addiction taking over. So you need to decide if you truely love him enough to stick by him and support him through this tough time, but if he don't want to quit or even try, then hunny i would say give him the boot!

One good thing is, you have only been together for 7 months, So you have not invested to much time on him. Better to know now then after you have been together years and years. Talk to him, let him know you will support him and help him through this, but only if this is what he REALLY wants. Cause if he don't want this for real, then trust me, he will never stop! There are meetings and support groups, maybe you can convince him to check these out. Before you rush into anything to quick, ask youself, can i deal with this for how ever long it'll take for him to end this? Only you will know what your heart tells you to do.

Good luck sweetie
Hope

[kn1234]

Well, i am 21 years old and he will be 24 next month. He has been doing drugs for a long time since he was about 18.. and went to rehab when he was 23. He promises he will do everything, go to meeting 3 times a week and even give up alcohol. But my trust for him is gone. I believe that he will try but i dont believe he will be able to do it forever. Many of his friends take lorotabs and all of the above. Alot of them call him when they have a supply to sell. So it will always be around him. In his workplace and everything. I know that this will be something he will deal with his whole life. I dont think i am a strong enough person to handle this forever. I'm also scared he will get worse since ive left him. I know that i cant worry about that.. but its still hard!

[nurseintrouble]

Thank you for the nice words.  I just want kn1234 to know that this guy has a long road ahead of him, and that she needs to think long and hard (as you said Deb.) about what she can live with.  I read a great book about dating not too long back titled "If the Budha Dated", one thing that hit home was that you need to look at the person as they are now, without any changes and ask yourself "If this person stays exactly as they are in this moment, can I love them forever?"  If the answer is "no" you need to move on.
Cait

[1234betterlife]

absolutely correct. we never do quit for anyone but ourselves. 32 days clean. good for you. like you i am a nurse in trouble. hope i do as well as you. congrats.

[debsally]

Wow!!!  Your post is amazing.  This is one of the reasons I stay on this site.  The honesty and encouragement is phenominal.  You inspire me.  Yay for 32 days!!!  You rock.

Debbie

[nurseintrouble]

Hey Sweetie,
First of all, how old are you and how old is your boyfriend?  One thing I have learned as I have gooten older is life is way too short to stay in a bad relationship.  I am 40 and spent most of my 30's in a sh*ty relationship.  I keep thinking he would change, but he never did.  I think (or I am sure) he is the reason I turned to pain pills.  My advice my sound harsh, but get out of that relationship.  There are so many men out there that you should not stress about finding another one.  When I first became single after 7 years (not 7months) I was dating 3 -4 guys at the same time, all great guys, and that is in San Francisco were 50% of the single men are gay.  5 months ago I met the best man I have ever known.  My point is, your boyfriend has a long road ahead of him, and it sounds like he is not wanting to quit for himself.  His quitting for you will not stick, trust me, I tried to quit for my last BF and it never stuck because I never really wanted to stop the pain pills.  I am 32 days clean now and I did it for no one but myself, that is the reason it worked this time.

Good Luck,
Caitlin

[debsally]

My partner is an addict.  It is hard for us.  I have made a commitment to her to stick with her but our situation is a bit different.  I totally understand your delima.  I don't even know what to tell you to do.  My partner and I have been together for a year and a half and I adore her.  I won't let her go but like I said, our situation is different.  We have open communication regarding her addiction and she is honest with me about what she is doing and she is getting help.  Its not like you where you are waiting around for him.  

I just wanted you to know that before I made a commitment to her, I thought long and hard about what my life would and could be like.  I weighed up everything thinking of possible problems that could come up. I thought long and hard and decided that she is worth the risk and our love was totally worth it.  

And, I gotta tell you, she is totally worth it.  

So that is all I would tell you.  Think hard about what you want your life to be like.  Get a lot of support and maybe even attend an alanon meeting or two or more to get strong and know what you are headed into.

If you decide you don't want to stay with him and that it is too much for you, then you should make that decision for yourself.  

Good luck, sweety.

Debbie

[lustforallthingspointless]

I absolutely know what your going thru... I told my boyfriend of 3 months... i have known him much longer and he has been my crush, my dream guy, the one i couldn't have until now... so this relationship even after only 3 months means more to me then any i have been in... anyways, i told him that if he didn't quit his vicodin habit by the end of this month i was going to leave him. i felt bad for saying that because i know one of the biggest things with addicts is that they need to quit on their own terms... But how could you not want to quit... it's eventually going to kill you. it's absolutely illegal, you never have any money. numb to the world. and here i am giving my heart and soul to him. its like none of what i do for him matters. everyone finally convinced me that all i was doing was being an enabler and i needed to stand my ground, if not for my sake for his because i was only making it worse for him too. so that's why i told him, me or the drugs and you have until the end of the month. well, starting saturday night he hasn't had any vicodin and is going thru hel* right now.... I feel so bad, partly because I can't do anything to make him better and mostly because it was me who said he needed to quit. but he is. here's my only problem now... in the beginning of our relationship he lied about it, but then he told me the truth. as far as i know he has since then always told me the truth. i assume its going to be hard to trust him now... but will put all of my faith, hope and trust into this relationship until he screws up. i'm not saying he is going to... i have high hopes he won't... i choose to believe love is stronger then addiction... but we will see!! i tend not to give many chances though. i know this will be a lifetime of recovery, but i think he stronger then his addiction. we shall see...

[1234betterlife]

if all your information is accurate, this man is cascading towards addiction if not already there. if you are only 7 months into this relationship i would question how much this means to you. this is not something that goes away over a weekend or a year. this is a lifelong struggle. he is working with the temptation which will make this more impossible for him to fight. if you want the fight of your life, stick with him. he will need you. if you do not you may want to reconsider. this is not an easy ride for the addict or the people in their lives. you say you deserved a phone call. he will only think of where to get his next pill...trust me i know. the phone call was the last thing on this mans mind.