to confront or not to confront..this is the question

I'm not sure how to ask this, but I need some insight from an addict because I just don't know how to handle relapses.  I believe my hubby has relapsed but not shared this with me.  Does he not realize that he is a totally different person when he takes the hydros.  I found his stash and just don't know how, when, or even if I should confront him. The easiest is to ignore it and hope it goes away...but I don't think that is gonna happen. I have tried to look at it from his point of view and I think I might become angry if I got busted doing something wrong....just don't know how to handle this...any insite would be greatly appreciated.  I hate the dishonesty as bad as what the pills must
be doing to his health.  Any suggestions on how to handle this....is it ever a relief to get busted??   I just don't know.
Thanks ya'll,
deb

[1eagle]

Given our current court/judicial system now is not the time to get busted... You don't mention what he is doing or how often (found the mention of hydros). Is it affecting his work life? Or any other areas that you can see? No -he does not recognize any change doing the hydro's - he probably actually feels better when he has them now. But it won't continue that way if he keeps it up....there is a great big world of problems out there for continuing use. Confrontation is not usually the approach that I could recommend - just more trouble with the spying privacy issue. Don't go out of your way for extra trouble. If necessary, just tell him that you recognized that he was using. None of us really fool anyone even when we think we are so slick........bottom line is that he must want to quit. But you can influence him....and not by ignoring it - poor choice. Be there for him...tell himthat you support his struggle to stay clean. Remind him that you love him, but he is different when he is high.  Best of luck and keep us informed. More folks will even give you more advice here. Good luck!

[littldeb]

Thank you for your response....my profile explains a little more about the situation.  He really wouldn't be gettin busted by anyone but me as we just went through withdrawals and got clean a while back (or so I thought)  I know our lives were pure hell for about two weeks.  He owns his own company and one of his employees does hydros, oxycotins, xanax....whatever he can get.  This employee supposedly quit the hydros when my husband did...but was still using the oxycotins.  I just don't understand how you can stay clean with ppl around that use.  He made the choice last time to quit so I guess he has to make it again.  Honestly I don't look forward to that time because the last time was pure hell, can't imagine going back to them, but then again I would stand beside him again if he chose to do that....I guess the whole trust issue is the hardest for me. Why does he hide it from me?  I am not a bear, but have always been understanding and supportive.  Thanks again for your response.
deb

[Zurich42]

Perhaps - just perhaps - part of the appeal of addiction is 'getting away with something' and thinking no one is going to notice.  At least it was sort of that way in the beginning for me.  Later though, I thought EVERYONE knew I was using due to the size of my pupils.  The other part of addiction is shame, guilt, self oppression.  We feel 'terrible' that we are doing this to ourselves - but can't help it.  

If you've always been understanding and supportive, perhaps now is the time to put your foot down.  I'm not saying to get into a full blown-out confrontation - rather, let him know you're not being fooled and that you're insulted that he attempts to do that.  Sometimes it takes a big kick in the a$$ for an addict to know who and how they are hurting people.  I, myself, was lucky in that I put an end to it - with the help of this forum, a counselor, NA meetings and a very supportive boyfriend.  That being said, if given the opportunity, show him this site.  I successfully withdrew from Vicodin (after 8 months w/a 10-12 day habit) over the last two weeks and celebrated my 3rd day of sobriety.  

We're here for you - you're doing the right thing by seeking help.  Now we just need him to 'seek' it.  Make sense?

[Penelope14]

         It is nice to see that you have so much love & concern for your husband, I know lots of women that would just throw in the towel & just let him do what he,s gonna do. What a lucky man he is to have you! I dont have as much knowledge & insight as some of the others on this forum as I am a newbie, but I do have 1st hand knowledge on pill addictions as I am a former user of oxicotin, and I would lie thru my teeth and hurt the very people who loved me, it was awful, & I would actually think I was in control & that my personality was just fine,& I wasnt hurting anyone but myself, looking back I know I was hurting not only me but my own small children & my husband, the thing that really made me want to stop and change was being around others just like me, so I started going to AA meetings, It was my ex-hubby who drug me along with him one night, & it seemed to really be what I personally needed, so see if he would be willing to go to a NA or AA meeting, I mean what their to lose? If not good luck anyway, and I really hope you the best!