Day 34 off methadone / Recovery with NA and medication part 3

[AZ_Cards]

LOL sorry I wrote way too much but had to get it off my chest so sorry for the 3 part post....

As far as the Methadone withdrawals the main issues still are sleep, appetite, and energy or motivation big time. Major case of the PAWS I guess. Sleep is very shallow and still have the most disturbing strange dreams ever in my life. Really love to know why that is a symptom of Methadone withdrawals. I am using melatonin, kava kava, and other natural herbs to help as well as low doses of xanax not on a consistent basis. I just need to sleep but I know I need to start going completely natural or I mean use nothing so I can learn to sleep again without drugs even natural herbs. Appetite ***** and stomach still kind of an issue. The energy lack or depression is severe and mind numbing like being in a fog of despair. I am trying to stay motivated and accomplish things to alive this but it is so very hard. My workouts have slipped also and I know the exercise is best thing I could do but again that motivation deal gets in the way. I do go on daily walk with my dog and am active at work, so not jus sitting around, but I use to work out 6 days a week pretty hard. That is that other crazy thing I was all super healthy in such great shape physically even though I was on methadone and the zyprexa/celexa, Since I started to remove them it has totally screwed up my schedule or due to withdrawals I have fallen off.  I know in the end this will be the best decisions or decisions ever and I will be happier then ever, but this transition is so hard. Its like **** my life was better on the drugs, but I know it was not since I was not free and was a slave to them. I also believe they changed who I was and want the original me back, don’t even know who that is anymore but I know its not who I am now. To all fighting the fight to stay clean good luck, and stay strong.

[AZ_Cards]

Gnarly first off I respect your advice and knowledge immensely, since you have done this and have so much clean time. I was not looking for pat on the back or smoke up my ***, and did want someone to shoot it straight to me. I like straight shooters. No there are none left of course they went in those 4 days, like I could hold on to anything long term lol. I know you care and I was not trying to justify or glorify anything, I was trying to show how stupid I was and how grateful I did not die, and that I now know that I have to just deal with the methadone withdrawal as bad as it is without anything. And that is what I have been doing since Sunday. I have no doubt I am not in control. That was the point of my story I am utterly powerless I did not want to accept not take those pills but did. I also have been connecting with my god of my understanding daily and it has helped. So anyone reading this thread I was not suggesting or glorifying that use of short acting opiates to circumvent methadone withdrawals it is stupid and just sets you back in your healing. That really was the point of my posts, sorry if they came out to look otherwise.  Again I know I am utterly powerless and unmanageable with drugs of any kind so don’t think I even have a thought like I think I am in control, have not been in a long time. Yes I will private message y you tomorrow and set up a time to meet; I would like to meet you also and could use your help. Going to finish watching the game tonight and go to bed now.  

[gnarly_1]

DUDE I call it the way I see it ....your not the first one we have had try to cercovent methadone withdrawals with there DOC but your playing with fire
you scored 20 not 2 or 3 your setting yourself up for continued use
I hope there all gone this could be disastrous....if your looking for candy coated answers you will find them here....im not one to give them out when I see someone killing themselfs waking up on the floor and not knowing how you got there is just about as close to killing yourself as your going to get.....I care if people make it or not and will correct them as I see fit it beats the consequence O/Ding and dying .....I will be the first to tell you methadone detoxing is brutal it took me 90 days to see any sort of light but I dug down deep went to my God for help....(JESUS) and gave the whole mess over to him daily it took a lot of prayer a lot of faith and perseverance but you can get threw it......we have lots of members who work and go threw it it may not be ez but it is doable the other narcotics are also making you feel sick when your not high on them been down that road also..the only reason I am dead serious about this is because someone has to be when your blowing it and then justifying it correction is needed I dont need your reasoning effecting someone else hanging by a thread thinking they should use now because this guy did it goes full circle....there is no one here that wants to see you succeed more then me we just need to address some serious issues and get you back on track as far as relapses go I deal with them every day its the guy that trys to justify his use that scares me kinda makes me think you still think your in control and nothing could be farther from the truth.....lets have coffee where both here in phx I would like to meet you I think I can help you if you give me a chance.....Gnarly          

[AZ_Cards]

Oh thx, but there was not doubt I was ******* up lol that was not a question. I don’t think I am back at square one, but do think I am playing with death no doubt. I mean I have slipped up bad, but have quit smoking weed for over 3 months now, and made positive steps. I believe, or know I have set myself back with PAWS, but I don’t see doing a short acting opiate, versus coming off a long acting synthetic as putting me right back at square one. Setback yes but I don’t feel as bad today as I did day 19 even with that 4 day **** up. I am not using actively now or anything, but do understand your point. I am just giving myself the same mental mind **** that a pill can make me happy and motivated and that is setting me back psychologically but not as much physically. I also know it is not letting my brain heal as fast as it can. So agree should be farther along but to me not being on methadone and never going back to that is a major victory. Dealing with the pain is going to cost me my job possibly due to my production right now that was part of the justification. But anyway not trying to seem defensive ASU just ******* lost, and I was already mad at myself and you basically told me what I said in my post that is always the problem with me, I know I am ******* up which just leads to more of the guilt. I am steadfast to not play this up and down game again though. I do appreciate your response and know it’s just since you care. BTW what is your stance on NA and medication??? Also do you only associate with NA people only besides your family??? I just have to rely on my spirituality and my higher power for help, since I don’t believe in modern or ancient organized religion at all. Need to connect with my God or whatever you want to call him that is the key even more than NA I believe, but NA will be back in my life just don’t want it to be all my life, **** maybe it has to.

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude read you post......you need to take a moral inventory of what your doing your off the methadone but back in full blown drug addiction this is not an up grade or a trade up it is only a setback and going to keep you sick longer as of now you have made no progresss getting off the methadone ......that stoped when you started the oxy ......your brain is not going to heal untill you quit putting narcotics in it and this just stops the withdrawal temporarily it starts right back up where you left off once you stop using again......you need to put and end to this madness b/4 you od it no joke your tolerance is down its ez to do you do need to stick with N/A and emerge yourself in it....start drinking the whey protien again you could be so much farther along by now I really feel for you I went threw the same mind screw but was afraid to wind up using agin so I never picked up....im not saying the though wasent there it was .....annything to make the methadone withdrawal go away but its time to man up and just get this over with we dont shoot our wounded but you got to stop the distuction you can do this but you got to want it bad....bad enough to suffer fro a wile but you will get threw it we have had several members doing just fine fighting it out your not going to win doing what your doing its got to stop you will get threw this one day at a time but its time to start again I wish you all the best and will be thyere when you need to talk or vent but there is no going around this you just have to face off with it you can do it if you set your mind to it good luck and God bless.......Gnarly