I've recently ended a 3 year relationship... loving a recovering addict
Trying to find understanding and in need of support. I've recently ended a 3 year relationship with someone who I know really loved me deep down inside but there were just to many things working against us. I feel as though I've lost my best friend and soul mate. I’ve been through a lot with him including his substance abuse, withdrawl, and finaly getting clean but things have changed and I'm wrorried about him. Never once did I doubt him but I also feel like he probably wouldn't tell me if he'd slipped up anyway and for what reason I don't know. I thought I did what was best for us and I'm feeling really unsure it's only been a few days and I told him I'd be there for him if he ever needed me. But I always think he hates me when things like this happen. He recently has started saying really awful things to me when he is in a bad mood. Even in a normal conversation it's like he thinks I'm interrogating him. I always appoogize 1st just to make things better because if I confront him about hurting my feelings he gets pissed and mean which blows my mind because he never use to be that way. He also lies a lot he did from day one and about really stupid stuff. He’s only had a few really bad ones in which I now look back and probably should have left then. But 90% of the time I would call him out on them because they weren’t really significant. I think I thought this would make him realize I just wanted honesty. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I’d explain that all I ever wanted was honesty the lies never quit. I feel so confused. His words and actions have not been on in the same and I'm certain he's fine and is over it and that thought hurts the most. Why is this so hard? I think I'd lose my breath if I ever saw him with someone else but I’m the one who is letting go. So why? I just wanted him to be happy and to know I would help him no matter what, even after all the crap he's pulled and I'm not saying it’s been all his fault I've pulled my fair share of crap too. I wish it was like it used to be but it's not. I'm having a hard time because I'm still more concerned for him than myself which has always been the case anyway. I need to do this for myself this time and I keep trying to convince myself it will be fine but I guess heart break is never easy. Has anyone else had this kind of experience? I just don’t know where else to turn.
Hi there and welcome! I'm so very sorry you are going through this! I know you are feeling bad! I'm sorry, I really don't have any experience with this situation, but I wanted to send you some support! There is another Forum here that you may want to post this! It's called: Addiction, Living with an Addict! You will also get support there! I'm sure that this was a very difficult decision, but you really need to do what is best for you! Take care, I wish you all the best! Others will be along soon who can give you some better advice! Hugs!
Thank you, I didn't even realize that's what I'd done. I though that’s where I'd posted, again thank you very much. It feels good to know I've found a place where people care and can reach out for help and support without judgment! :) :)
yes i did, word for word too. i also was the one to leave, you are doing the right thing for your self and maybe even for him. putting everything aside just for him is selfish on his side and you could be giving up good chances. i'm not saying the heartache will go away maybe in a long time, but you just have to do the right thing. besides hes totally using you for your support but doesn't support you is what it seems like.. and all those harsh comments i can't imagine how hard it was for you to hold back tears. (and when hes finally done with you he'll break your heart even more) it seems like this ex needs to seek out more help and not just from you, and you can decide if you want to help him out or be friends during this process. all in all its best if you two remain friends for overall health and safety. thenmaybe in the future something might bring a wind of good luck :)
As addicts we can be very difficult to love. Our emotions are all over the place, we can be nasty, arguementative,,etc. We def dont make it easy loving us. You are doing the right thing. He has you in bondage now and you need to be free from all this. We love to pull people into our misery. You dont deserve that. You can still love him,,but you have to love him from a distance now. Until HE decides to stop and get sober there is nothing that you can do. In this situation,,you love him but you need to love yourself more. As with any breakup/loss its going to hurt and you will have to grieve that. Think about what YOU want. Take care of yourself first. Its ok to do that. (((hugs)))~Bkitty
Everything you had wrote was like you had just taken it directly out of my head. I am going through, or trying to anyways, to go through the same thing. My boyfriend of 9 years whom is also my daughter's father is the same way. I have kicked him out about 2 weeks ago and he knew it really hurt me to do it. I called the cops and everything. But he came back a few days later and knew what buttons to push to worm his way back in. And now I'm debating on having to do it again because he still hasn't changed.. it's this never ending circle I keep getting myself into.
I was in his shoes. The addiction had me so raped up, my wife giving up on me made me have to do it for myself. We are together now and I don't treat her like crap any more. I couldn't stop lying, even when I swore to myself I wouldn't. Sounds like what I promised myself about drugs. He has some deep trust issues and someone besides you needs to help him. I was so sick that I didn't even know it. I reached out in desperation, as I knew the deep love I had for my wife and children, they are everything to me. Take care of you and maybe he will take care of him, then give it time. I really wish you the very best.
In my marriage I am the addict and unfortunately I was the same way. My husbands last straw was when I was so hit that I was being a narcissists and actually admitted to my husband I was high and how much I had taken and laughing about it like I was on some power trip. He ripped those pills from my purse and put me in my place it was exactly what I needed! You have to protect yourself we are very hard to love. But somewhere inside I know I love my husband and I have been working my butt off to change things because I fear I could lose my family and that scares me deeply. Always do what you have to do to protect yourself! Just remember that! Keep your chin up and only do what you can! Good luck to you and your situation! I hope things get a little easier to deal with!
I'm in it now 3 years like you. But I'm still in it I have to say I am envious but very proud of you. That's so great how you pulled yourself away from poison, that's what they are in our lives poison. I do love him but I can't totally let go because he is stubborn and won't go, he has nowhere to go! I am all he has in life. And I just like you know he loves me in his own way also it's just not right though he tells me he loves me and always has he does do sincere helpful things for me he reminded me once the other day when I was screaming for him to get the f out of here and don't come back those are my famous hurtful words he reminded methat he walks to get my medicine everytime because I am in pain and need it. He just doesn't get the fact that it does not give him free passes to be an addict in my house it has to stop and he wants to continue well continue on your own I don't know where he will go I don't have the strength to act for him and why should I he needs to help himself. He also talks about our future so positively,never puts me down tells me how beautiful I am this I know how he feels is true for this is th third time together over 16 year span and he was not an addict when he was young then. He really wants a future with me but 3 years of watching him losing weight looking drawn out is taking a toll on us especially me I have to look and see that face that breaks my heart every single day. I do want to talk more but I'm in pain physically right now I have to stop texting but I do want you to keep in touch with me and know you have a new friend who knows what it's like. Please keep I'm touch.
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