101 days -- I have a few questions..

[Real180]

I'm proud to say I am 101 days clean today!!! It's been an amazing journey.. I've had good days, great days and bad days like everyone else on here has had or is having... I have a few questions that I was hoping some of you could answer for me because I want to make sure I am doing the right things to continue on my current path...

After I detoxed I went directly into AA/NA for the first time... This is something I had never done before during my previouse attempts to quit.. Just as a reminder I was using for about 7 yrs and attempted to quit many times and the longest I lasted was 5 weeks until this attempt.. Anyway, going to AA/NA on a daily basis was exactly what I needed to do in order to hear and learn the skills needed to stay sober.. Before entering the rooms I had no clue how to stay clean and how to deal with my addicted brain... In short I cames to terms with my addiction and found my inner peace through my higher power.. I continued going to meetings 5-7 days a week sharing regularly and listening intently but then something happened.. I started to feel that I no longer needed the rooms.. Not that I was above it or cured of my addiction but more like I was content and understood the message... I read the first 164 pages of the big book twice, but I never got a sponser or officially went through the steps.. I just felt that I understood my addiction and how to deal with it.. I also know the rooms are there for me if I need them.. I want to be clear in my feelings that I feel aftercare was so important in my recovery and I highly recommend it for anyone trying to get sober but at the same time I am no longer going and this has me confused for a few reasons.. Firstly, I heard so many times at meetings that when people stopped going they relapsed.. But I really do not feel that is my motive at all as I feel so strong and proud of my sobriety but is my addict brain leading me out of the rooms? Secondly, is this something any of you have gone through and are my feelings normal? I also want to note that I am still on this forum multiple times everyday reading and the first thing I do every morning is look at my tracker and thank G-D that I am sober and pray for another day of sobriety... Thanks and I appreciate any of your thoughts on this topic...

[Gettingalifeagain]

This is a great thread of posts!  Congratulations on your recovery time.....thank you all for posting above, it has helped me this morning...GALA

[AShellof_Me]

What an amazing discussion! Real~ So so proud of you for being honest and open and vulnerable... good good stuff!

SO much has already been said ALL SO FANTABULOUS~!

I can only add my experience. Like Sarah... when I don't want to go to a meeting, that's pretty much a signal to me that I NEED to be at one. bah.

So, I have 3yrs 10 months sobriety... not a lot but a bit of time... and in the beginning, I went to meetings everyday. They were my LIFELINE.  The people in my home group were god with skin on for me. I learned how to do life sober and gain a new foundation. After about 8 weeks... wow... just had to figure that out... my goodness my proud "brilliant mind' (tongue in check) thought, "hmmm... I got this."  Not that I thought I had my addiction ALL under control - no - but I DID think, however, that I HAD the program.  I knew EVERY step. I KNEW every promise. The twelve traditions. HOW it WORKS... and so on... got it. okay. Every day meetings turned to twice a week... once every couple of weeks... never... moved from Texas to Cali... and up until a few months ago did not walk into a room again but for two times.

But ya know what? Life got LIFEY!!!  I got scared. I was in trouble and I knew it. Where were all my skills?  Where was my support? Where was my lifeline?  I didn't have it already in place! Holy crap... and I was already in the midst of the crisis.  Mind you... the crisis/turmoil had already been on going... it never left. It had been going on from Texas to Cali until now... but in my addict mind - which will ALWAYS continue to play tricks on me if I do not continue WORK ON IT - I thought "I got this." ha~! I got sh*t on my own.

Praise God I did and do have a strong spiritual relationship... praise God my husband is a walking Big Book...(but I depended on that too much!) and when my son who is a heroine addict went back out after Christmas this last year, it took me to my knees in away it hadn't in a long time... not since before I started using 5 years ago. That's when I knew. I was in trouble and the NET was nowhere to be found.

Life is busy and messy and complicated and full - heavy... but for me, I am committed to my meeting every Friday because I know if I go back out... I may never come back. ( and the tears come...) I have a spiritual malady... and the thing between my ears has GOT to be adjusted REGULARLY... or I WILL not make it.  This life is FULL of blessings Praise GOD! but it is also full of LIFEY things which will take us out at the knees if we are not prepared... it is a WE program... a program of support. My god with skin on... He works through these people... through their experience, strength and hope... every time.

I had to up my game in a big way. I let myself become apathetic about my sobriety... I thought I had it - no worries. After nearly 4 years, it is still ONE day at a time. I go to counseling one day a week. I work in a recovery workbook which keeps me structured... I read my Big Book every day. And I have RE-committed to my meeting once a week. I can DO that.  When life gets lifey... and it ALWAYS will at some point ... we need the net in place.

Prayer to you girl. I commend you for your honesty and openness to take advice from others! May WE all keep walking this out together :)

[dominosarah]

Whenever i feel like i dont need a meeting is when i make it a priority to go.  There are many more messages out there for you.

[gnarly_1]

Good post weaver I would also like to add the main reason for going to the meeting is so you can make some Real friends we often go out to dennys after the meetings I have found new fishing buddys and some of my best friends have come thew the rooms of n/a

[weaver71]

The thing that stood out is that you never had a sponsor or worked through the steps with anyone. I think that may help in combo with more commitments. When I did my fourth step, I was advised to make sure I recognize my good character as well. I felt I hit a wall in my recovery and think my bipolar is what lead me to not go anymore, but I did work the steps and really practice CBT constantly. Maybe add something first, before you decide to stop going. You may find you just needed more, not less.

[Real180]

Yes, I agree with Kyle as well... Both of you speak from experience and that's what I was looking for today... Thanks!

[Heroin4Life]

also, its really great that you understand AA and the message. That will help you big time. I too, believe i understand the program, but what i had to realize is, understanding the program is great, but wont keep you sober. It's a daily program as in you have to do it daily to maintain sobriety. Just like you used ur drugs daily, or a sick person must take their medicine daily, even if they understand their disease. Addiction is the same, you must do your program/routine daily in order to maintain ur sobriety. just my two cents :) still congrats on ur time thats amazing!

[Heroin4Life]

I agree with kyle505, ive done this in your EXACT position at least 4 times and every time i relapsed :( not saying u will, just my experience. It wasnt right away, i was ok for a little, and then it hit me and i relapsed. Its a horrible cycle to be in. youve got 100 days already, keep going your doing so well. Stay in the program and keep trying!!

[kyle505]

You can try and find other groups. But whatever, I still have to be honest about what I'm reading. You are almost quoting AA/NA truisms, but repeating what you've heard doesn't mean you've learned anything. You belong at meetings. All addicts do. Don't overthink this. Listen to what others are saying. You are the only one who has anything to lose.
Good luck.
K

[Heroin4Life]

yes, go to meetings and be of service. Show the newcomer that sobriety is possible. If you cant go for yourself, go for the newcomer, until this passes and you get back into it. Being of service is a great way to get thru these kinda patches while still staying active in AA.

[Real180]

Hey Guys - thank you so much for the responses and YES I am taking everything into consideration... My sobriety is so important to me and I do not want to do anything to compromise it. I understand everything you are all saying.. I know, as Kyle put it "I'm at a crossroads in my life". I just want to be clear on a few things so you all understand where I am coming from. I by no means feel I have my addiction licked, it will be a life long battle for me, I only understand my addiction now -- meaning that I am powerless to it alone and that I must always include others (G-D/HP and other addicts) in this fight or I WILL relapse (I tried the alone thing before and lost miserably) -- I really didn't know/understand that before until I went into the rooms and learned how our minds can play vicious tricks on us addicts.. I also learned how to pray for the 1st time in my life -- I mean really pray... I learned that the worst place in the world is to be in my own head because that is what, at the end of the day gets us.. I also learned the true meaning of "taking it one day at a time" or as Vic said "one minute at time"... All of the latter plus endless amounts of other information was given to me and these tools were given to me as gifts by some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life, ADDICTS like you and I... I didn't do the 90/90 but I came damn close.. I would say for the first 70 meetings I took to it like a duck to water then like Weaver pointed out I started to feel that the vibe was starting to bring me down... My excitement level upon going was not there and that uplifting feeling of accomplishment upon leaving was not as strong... I started to feel uncomfortable like I didn't belong, but I knew I did... My very close friends are addicts and we attended many meetings together so I expressed these feelings to them and they asked me to continue going to see if this may change and I did -- I went to 3 more meetings and each time I had that same feelings.... I even told my friends that I wish I didn't feel this way, that it didn't have this feeling of being uncomfortable because I don't want to fail -- I don't want to relapse! They said to me that I need to figure this out and will be there to support me either way so that's what I'm trying to do now -- with you guys.. Maybe Herion4Life is onto something with taking it to another level by giving back and service commitments, maybe I should do an addiction counselor or class like Weaver suggested.. right now today, I am happy and sober but I agree with all of you that I am playing with fire and that is something I am not comfortable with ONE BIT.. I am at a crossroads and I can tell you all one thing and that is I will not sit idaly by and let this addiction take me over again -- my life cannot afford another relapse -- so I will consider everything you all have shared with me and do what it takes to protect my sobriety... Any additional advise is welcomed.. Thanks you again..

[Amandag78]

Well look at you go, congratulations on 101 days clean !!!
Great comments, so nothing to add.
Well done : )

[kyle505]

Great post. Hope Real considers what's been said.
K

[gnarly_1]

YOU GO Kyle you da man and I could not agree more the meeting are a life line I know from experience that without the regular meeting I will be sunk  I got prof I tried to get away from them several times but in the end usually used it has been 1647 days since I picked up a opeite today I go to 4 meetings a week I work the steps with a sponcer without this the addict lays in waiting for me to slip up and use PLEASE KEEP GOING TO MEETINGS we just had a guy with 21yrs clean go back out there fortunately he dident dye  he is back to the rooms with a important lesson if he could fail anybody can it just ant worth my clean time to quit what works for so many people also you see people with 10 15 even over 20 yrs going to mutapull meetings a week it got to tell you something this is life or death for most of us  for me I choose life today N/A has dances every week we go camping tubing sit around fires at night and really make some great friendships why would I want to give up on that  ?????  ..........Gnarly.........

[kyle505]

I have to agree with all of the above. Consider - "I just felt that I understood my addiction and how to deal with it" and " I feel so strong and proud of my sobriety". Once these kind of thoughts start filling your head then you are on the road to eventual relapse. In my opinion, we never truly understand our addiction, and the moment we think we know how to deal with it then we're bound to use again. Being strong has nothing to do with it; we are never, ever stronger than our addiction, no matter how long we've been clean.
Although this is a great forum, you are making a big mistake if you use it as a form of aftercare. Going to meetings - talking with other addicts, face to face - is a vital part of living life in recovery. You are at a crossroad; what you do now will determine how your life will go in the future.
K

[Heroin4Life]

*i meant to say the daily reprieve from alc/drugs comes from how we work our program on a daily basis, because at the end of the day, we all each have one day. It's wht you do each day, for ur sobriety, that'll keep you sober.

[Heroin4Life]

Aww it scares me so much to read this because I have done this SO many times. I have left the rooms, "not to relapse," but "because i had gotten the message,etc." but what happened was the more time i was away from AA the less of thee "message" still played in my head and the less I applied it in my daily life. The addict voice got a little bigger each day, in small ways tho, until one day I relapsed. And ive done this cycle many times. AA is not a solution you can get in a few months. Although you can understand it after a few months, the only gurantee in AA for sobriety is a daily reprieve from alc/drugs based on how we work a program. Like each morning u woke up and got high to get straight for the day, its almsot like okay, each day what did  you do for your recovery?

Also, if you feel that youve gotten what you can out of the program, than thats an amazing moment to start giving back to the newcomer. Because helping others is what will keep u sober, and fill u with purpose (in my opinion). Look at your role at aa or in meetings not so much as for u to get more of the message, but for u to see who's new, and pass along the message. Help new people so they can stay sober, because 100 days is amazing and they will certainly look to u for advice.

I dont say any of this to preach, as most know, i have just relapsed, but this post hit me hard because this is what i did eachhhhh time before a relapse. Its the mental relapse that is set up far before the actual relapse and addiction is sneaky and will start a relapse in tricky ways far before its actually happening. I dont want u to think im saying ur gonna relapse, because maybe your not, thats only my own personal experience. At the same time, maybe try adding some other things to ur schedule as well, work, school, etc. so that its not just all AA all the time and so you dont get burnt out. anyways, msg me if u need anything, congrats on your time!!!

[VICourageous]

DITTO, DITTO and DITTO what Weaver said! It might be that we do not want to use at all, BUT it is things in LIFE that are thrown at us that makes us want to run & hide or use for this or that reason..This is where SUPPORT is so important and for me I have to have it. I used to go every single night and now I hit & miss, but I have to kick in again or I feel myself slipping into darkness. During this last month I have been doing some other kind of support that has to do with my Grieving and they do help me stay focused on my Addiction.But I am back on track .. I will always call a clean friend at least daily and get on here to read what the new ones are gong through. I would not EVER want to go through a detox like I did Ever, but that does not save my Buttt! So no matter what path you choose we still have to have Support..Church is a Great one too.
Also as you grow and do these Steps over & over it seems to change because we CHANGE! As months and Years go bye we also have more to share for the new ones that just walked in the door. This is a LIFE LONG PROCESS and we will always continue to live life as Life will always give us Good times & Bad or Happy or Sad. As time goes on we keep changing for the better..Hopefully!!! lol
CONGRATULATIONS on your Days, Months and then Years so far..One Day one Min. Keep on Pushing..
Bless

[weaver71]

Well, 12 step meetings are not for everyone, but I believe all true addicts need some form of aftercare locally. Just my opinion. I live in a small town, they say the newcomer is the most important person there, but we only have returning people. I have heard every story in the room many times. I needed to focus on today and my future, so I had to find help that focused on that. When I stopped my AA meetings, everyone thought I had relapsed, even though my wife and I said I hadn't. I am still close friends with some of those folks, but going over the past too much was getting counter productive for me, I have many years of issues to confront.

That being said, I started taking addiction classes, going to therapy, and work recovery daily. Also, I do think it is your addict brain telling you that you are okay now. I personally work recovery extra when I am feeling good and stable, so I can keep it longer. Thinking we are in control is really a dangerous place to be. Many things since detox have happened to me that were very hard, some were truly good. Point is, if we could insure that life would be easy and stay the same all the time, then maybe we could accept our addiction and go on without help. We can't really test that theory though, because life is messy. I would suggest getting into some other form of aftercare if NA is no longer working for you or you think you don't need that kind of aftercare anymore.