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19 yr old college student struggling with oxycontin abuse
Hi everyone. This is my first time on the forum and I am really glad to have found it. I am 19 and attend a prestigious university where I will be entering my third semester this fall. I live at school 8 months of the year where I am successful earning very good grades every semester. I love living on my own and although I love to drink, smoke pot, and chase girls, I have managed to pretty much stay away from painkillers, my drug of choice. While I am home for summer and breaks, however, is where I run into my oxycontin problems. I live 10 minutes out of a major city and subsequently drugs are much more widely abused around my hometown opposed to school. Along with the easy access, they are also more affordable, particularly because I am able to hold a full time job during the summer. I started abusing painkillers my senior year of high school starting with perc 5s and eventually moving to perc 30s doing them on an average of once or twice a week. I have escalated,however, since the start of my summer in May and now do on average 40-60mg of oxy 3-5 per week. I believe my friends play a large role in this as there are way more people around my hometown doing drugs than up at school. Also coming from a big party school and not yet being 21, there doesn't seem much to do on a night to night basis. I am and only child and have never confided my habit to my strict parents as I always believed it was recreational for fun only. Part of me doesn't want to stop experimenting with drugs as I am still a kid just trying to have fun particularly during a dull summer. On the other hand, however, I plan on attending law school after I get my degree and I don't want to develop a painkiller addiction that will steer me away from that dream. All advice is greatly appreciated I'm sure a lot of people have gone through similar situations.
I feel you. I'm in college and all my old stoner buddies have endless opiate connections and don't go to school or have jobs. I was up to 150mg of oxy a day and finally quit, been almost 3 weeks with one slip up. Good luck!
Also, I know the feeling of knowiing you need to stop but just not wanting it enough. It is a rough place to be, frustrating to say the least. I must be in a lot of denial to know I am putting a pill in front of family, friends, life, everything, and somehow justify it being okay in my head.
Also, everyone has different bottoms. Maybe you haven't stolen from people, lied, hurt people, done immoral things, but there is such a thing as an emotional bottom. I got there, I was so empty inside, just miserable. Hated myself for continueing to use even when I knew it was hurting everyone in my life. Just no self love, no self worth, didn't care about anyone or anything. I was so dark, miserable, and empty on the inside, and it began to show on the outside as well. A walking zombie, the drugs stole my life. My spirit. So although I had never been to jail, and could still rationalize that I hadn't done any of those horrible immoral things, I was still so dead and miserable and disconnected from myself, that I wanted to stop. We only get one life, and I couldn't go on with my life feeling and living like that.
Also, everyone has different bottoms. Maybe you haven't stolen from people, lied, hurt people, done immoral things, but there is such a thing as an emotional bottom. I got there, I was so empty inside, just miserable. Hated myself for continueing to use even when I knew it was hurting everyone in my life. Just no self love, no self worth, didn't care about anyone or anything. I was so dark, miserable, and empty on the inside, and it began to show on the outside as well. A walking zombie, the drugs stole my life. My spirit. So although I had never been to jail, and could still rationalize that I hadn't done any of those horrible immoral things, I was still so dead and miserable and disconnected from myself, that I wanted to stop. We only get one life, and I couldn't go on with my life feeling and living like that.
I know exactly how you are feeling. Keep posting and let it all out. I'm day 19 and I promise it does get better. I thought I was going to die those first 4 days, and my mind just kept racing "where can I get more". BUT, I kept coming back to this forum at my weakest moments to gain the strength to say no more! Best of luck to you!
Hey Matt and Overit2day! Glad to see you still around and feeling positive!
Hey Matt and Overit2day! Glad to see you still around and feeling positive!
Hey I just wrote you a message back but then saw your post. I know how hard it is to "listen" to the advice of others and really see the pain addiction causes and the way it destroys your life if you haven't yet experienced it yourself and are still in the "fun, good, consequence free" stage of using. Personally, I am so hard headed and stubborn, and I had to find out for myself how bad it got. I wish I didn't but it's the way it is. I once used oxycontin and thought it made my life better. I had more energy, I was happier, I could do better in school, sports, I was more understanding and nicer to others, I could do anything. That's the drug getting you hooked, showing you "how much better life is when you're on it". But that's a lie. And before you know it, you need it in the morning to get out of bed. You wake up sick, in withdrawal. You will do anything to get it, and that big fun, exciting world you once had, with endless possibilities (especially at our age) has shrunk so small. The day is about finding who has the drug, figuring out how to get enough money, where to meet them, waiting around for them, and then doing it, and then making sure you have enough for the next day. Everything else is put on the backburner. I am only speaking from experience. I am still struggling in my own addiction. It is sad what these drugs do to people and the dark and lonely path it takes you down. I hope you can stop before you go down that path.
i'm in the same boat as you, 19 in college & painkiller addicted. it needs to stop. i know it's hard. i'm on day one. tomorrow i'm going to my local clinic & seeing what they can do for me. a lot of people have said subs help.
Overit2day is right. I did not wake up one morning and decide to quit. (if you dont believe me, read my first post -- So....today is day 1) Part of the reason was I was forced to due to a lack of supply and the other part was I, like you, was starting to see how the pills were slowly becoming a problem. Despite recognizing there was a problem, I justified continuing to take them even after I told myself just one more resupply and that will be it. I said that to myself more times than I could count.
If you truly want to stop, then stop. There will never be a time when its right. Your going to have to make the choice and then follow through.
Good luck
Matt
If you truly want to stop, then stop. There will never be a time when its right. Your going to have to make the choice and then follow through.
Good luck
Matt
Ok, MattTheAttorney is my fiance. He works a lot, so if you need anything... You can talk to me. There will never be a "good time" to quit. You just have to do it. I believe that you can do this!
Make 1 appt to see an addiction couselor and just tell them ur story and listen to what they have to say.. It might b the best money u can spend. For me I have a list of things to do when I get cravings. Such as... Workout, clean, read a book, movies, photography... Pretty much nething that takes ur mind off of it. Remember ur cravings will get better over time...
You're going to need to squash that addict inside of you. Really. Do it now. You've got the summer. The other thing is,what you're doing IS immoral. You're breaking the law!
And you want to be a lawyer which is great!! It would be hard to go forward with a drug
history,my friend!
Also,you can't stop on your own,no one can. You need help and support. You need to tell your parents or a trusted relative. You need meetings and probably a doctor. What I don't think you realize is that the pills are a lot of fun for awhile and then they TURN on you. It's bad. And by then,everyone will know because you'll be acting like a fool.
Do the right thing here...
V.
And you want to be a lawyer which is great!! It would be hard to go forward with a drug
history,my friend!
Also,you can't stop on your own,no one can. You need help and support. You need to tell your parents or a trusted relative. You need meetings and probably a doctor. What I don't think you realize is that the pills are a lot of fun for awhile and then they TURN on you. It's bad. And by then,everyone will know because you'll be acting like a fool.
Do the right thing here...
V.
Thank you for your comments everyone, but striving to be a lawyer myself this post connected well with me. I am very like you in that (at least in this stage of my abuse) I have never stolen or done anything immoral to get an oxy. Up until this point if I haven't had the money to spend I haven't bought one. I am starting to get more and more cravings though and that is scary as is that addiction (particularly alcohol) also runs in my family. I don't want to let continued use bring me to that point. Yesterday, I blew my first full 80mg and found a pretty girl which made it a great night. That being said, I want to stop using, but I feel as if my heart isn't completely in it. I just don't know if there is a time where I'll know it's time to be done for good or if the addict inside me will always prevent my heart from being "completely" in it?
It's interesting to see the stages we go through in our addiction. It's like we are tricking ourselves into saying it's ok or I have it under control. I think we all have been where you are and may even wish we could go back to that point when we may have more ability to walk away. The truth is, the phase you are in is part of the trap as well. It isn't easy to get pills out of your mind at all. Think about this though, today they are easier to quit than tomorrow. You may think you have things under control, and today you may, but if you use today, you may be further entangled tomorrow. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
Can tell u now from my experience, u need to stop while u can. About 5 yrs ago I started doing pills recreationally. It started just the same as u. Doing perks and loris and then moving up to oxycontin 80 mgs. It all started bc I was hanging around the wrong people. B4 I knew it I woke up one day and was sick!! Not flu, I reized I was withdrawing from not having ne pills. That's when I became addicted. From then on I was spending every dollar I had on pills. My car got repossesed and I was pretty much broke. But that didn't stop me. I kept spending all my money on pills. They day I realized I had a problem was when I would do an oc80 and still be n withdrawls. I didn't want to overdosed. I went to tbc nearest clinic and go help. I was put on meathadone and later got on suboxone to get off the methadone. It's been a struggle but I'm here now with ten days clean!! I sometimes wonder where I would be n life right now if I never got hooked on pills. What helped me to stay away from the pills was, I went thru my cell and deleted no.s of dealers. I stopped hanging around people who used pills, rather they were hooked o just did them for fun. I surronded myself with positive people and kept up a positive attitude. Plz stop now I really would hate to see sumone like u who could b very succesful n life loose e erything like me. Ur probally thinking I won't let that happen or I won't let myself get that bad. I thought that to! U have to make some changes n ur life style and who u hang around with. Think bout ur future. Good luck
Friend, you are in the exact same position as I, but I am just a little bit farther down the road than you are. The drug will NEVER effect your school performance (it least it never did anything but enhance mine), but it will effect your state of mind, which is way more important. I started doing them after my first year of college and while my performance in class was actually improving, my study habits and my goals and standards for myself really started to drop hard and fast after a year or two. Now I find myself taking 2 weeks off of my life to try and rebuild it from the bottom up basically because I know what I want, and pills have nothing to do with it. Trust me I though nothing of them either when I first started taking them, and I don't think I really got addicted for a little over a year. But if I can suggest anything to you and I mean ANYTHING.......it's this: stop using as soon as you can and don't ever start again. If I could go back to your position I woulda stopped right then and there cause you sound exactly like I did so for the love of anything good in this world, save yourself now and please listen to the voice of good reasoning. Sorry if I sound dramatic but I really don't want to see anyone go down the path I did lol.
As you can tell from my name, I am an attorney. If your story were any closer to mine, I swear I would have thought you hacked into my computer. I always drank, smoked a bunch of pot in college, and basically tried everything out there. But nothing, and i mean nothing compared to pills. Had my first experiance with them my senior year in high school but did not begin using frequently until after law school. My justification, no hangover, no one ever knew. And as the saying goes, "you know why I pop pills, becuase they do exactly what they say they are going to do, everytime"
Your reasons for not feeling like you need to quit are the same excuses I gave for a long time. I always said, Why should I have to quit oxys, I have a great job, own a home and drive a brand new luxury car. All done before I was 30 years old. It never effected my work life or my personal life, or got in the way of what I wanted.
I am on day 23 clean today. And it has been the longest 23 days of my life. I am sure you are a smart kid. I am sure you feel you can handle this, and you probably can, for a little while. But eventually this will catch up with you. I never messed up at work, I never drained my bank account, and I never got in trouble for pills. However, if i hadn't stopped 23 days ago, eventually that would have happened. All of it. I would have spent my last penny to get them. And that was after only 8 months of using oxys.
When I started out it was only a little bite off a 40 mg and maybe another little bite later that day. At first I didn't use at work. Then it became as a special treat if I had a particulary difficult client to deal with or a long day at teh office with work I didn't want to do. All justified in my mind, becuase I was fine, I had this under control. But as you will see if you read enough of these posts the only thing in control are the pills. By the time I stopped, I was chewing up as much as 80-100mg just to get through work, even if I had court. Something I always said I wouldn't do. I went from using only after work to using all day long in a matter of two months. I didn't even see it coming.
Like you, I had a goal, and I would let nothing stand in my way until I obtained that goal. I did attain everything I said I would when I was a kid. And after all of that work and all of teh sacrafices I made to get what I wanted, I put it all in jeopardy for a stupid little pill.
If your anything like me, and I sense you are, this is something you are going to have to decide to do. All the posts and all the forums in teh world are not going to be able to make you do this. So you have a decision to make, what do you want more? Your life and what you have been working for all these years, or that pill.
If you do decide to quit, this forum is an amazing place. There is more help, information and support here then you could ever imagine. Good luck.
Matt
Your reasons for not feeling like you need to quit are the same excuses I gave for a long time. I always said, Why should I have to quit oxys, I have a great job, own a home and drive a brand new luxury car. All done before I was 30 years old. It never effected my work life or my personal life, or got in the way of what I wanted.
I am on day 23 clean today. And it has been the longest 23 days of my life. I am sure you are a smart kid. I am sure you feel you can handle this, and you probably can, for a little while. But eventually this will catch up with you. I never messed up at work, I never drained my bank account, and I never got in trouble for pills. However, if i hadn't stopped 23 days ago, eventually that would have happened. All of it. I would have spent my last penny to get them. And that was after only 8 months of using oxys.
When I started out it was only a little bite off a 40 mg and maybe another little bite later that day. At first I didn't use at work. Then it became as a special treat if I had a particulary difficult client to deal with or a long day at teh office with work I didn't want to do. All justified in my mind, becuase I was fine, I had this under control. But as you will see if you read enough of these posts the only thing in control are the pills. By the time I stopped, I was chewing up as much as 80-100mg just to get through work, even if I had court. Something I always said I wouldn't do. I went from using only after work to using all day long in a matter of two months. I didn't even see it coming.
Like you, I had a goal, and I would let nothing stand in my way until I obtained that goal. I did attain everything I said I would when I was a kid. And after all of that work and all of teh sacrafices I made to get what I wanted, I put it all in jeopardy for a stupid little pill.
If your anything like me, and I sense you are, this is something you are going to have to decide to do. All the posts and all the forums in teh world are not going to be able to make you do this. So you have a decision to make, what do you want more? Your life and what you have been working for all these years, or that pill.
If you do decide to quit, this forum is an amazing place. There is more help, information and support here then you could ever imagine. Good luck.
Matt
Oh boy... I can see exactly where this is going. I started the same exact way. I wasn't 19 years old, but that doesn't matter. I took about 40-80 mg/day. I was taking them for "fun" too. I never took enough to where I couldn't function... In fact, I felt that I functioned better while taking oxys... Until I stopped. I am on day 22, clean, and I am still not back to myself. I was only addicted to oxys for 7 and a half months. My fiance was addicted too, I am sure he will post on here. You should quit now because if you go through any withdraws, it will be awful while you are at school. I beg you to think about what you are doing! At the same time, only YOU can decide to quit. You are a smart kid. You will make the right choice. Above, you asked how you can get motivated to quit... You have to decide when the time is right. Everyone on here will help you through it. They helped me!
Yes...your reasons ARE dumb. It's your addicted brain talking and rationalizing your drug use. All those things you list could change in ONE minute. I promise you. Every day you're high on pills,you're at risk for almost anything. Think about what you're doing: Everything is illegal. Buying the pills,taking the pills,having the pills in your possesion,DRIVING and working under the influence...You'll get caught when you least expect it. Someone will see you,drop your name,or just try to hurt you.
Just stop this crap...it will lead you nowhere and that's where you're at right now...
Vicki
Just stop this crap...it will lead you nowhere and that's where you're at right now...
Vicki
Well confide with everyone here. Most giving feedback in here have been run thru the meat grinder on about any drug you can imagine..And from the consequence angle which has you not thinking about consequences,,check this out. I spent 18 months in a federal prison camp once. Why? I was some huge coke dealer in the mind of our US Attorney's and convicted of such. Guess what? In my whole life, I have never tested positive for illegal substances, I have never been caught in possession of illegal substances. I had never had a handcuff put on me, I never spent a night in jail.. But I damn sure spent 18 months in a Federal prison camp until it was all overturned by the Appeals Court and sent home immediate release..Go figure on that for a minute...And something else to consider. If you are caught with these pills, you are charged with the same charge as if it was heroin or opium...Then you also get hit with illegal possesion of prescription meds and god know what other charges they can put on you...My little buzz capade landed up costing over 150,000 to clear my name..Food for thought my friend,,food for thought.....
I phrased that poorly, but what I'm trying to say is I know doing oxy is wrong and I want to stop, but it is difficult when I have cravings and I am around people that do them along with there being no immediate need to stop. Are there any strategies people know to motivate themselves to quit? I need something to get on tract.
Thank you for your advice. I first experienced pain medicine following a torn rotator cuff from wrestling. Since then my tolerance and frequency of abuse has continued to rise. I just feel like I have little motive to stop doing oxy completely because 1. I have yet to let it effect my performance in school and in the workplace 2. I've never been arrested or on any type of drug testing by anyone as my parents have no idea. 3. I have a well paying summer job to support the pills. I know those reasons might sound dumb to some of you who have spent so much of your time fighting drug abuse, but it's honestly the way I feel. Slay I came on this forum because I don't want to be hooked and in trouble before it's too late and I have nobody else to confide in.
Very well put Sway..And those "claws" are a stealty animal. And once one come to notice somethings amiss,,its too late..
Jdh403,,this is one of the biggest decisions in your life that will affect your ability to pursue your college dream. Don't blow this. I was full of p*ss and vinegar at your age too. Except that was 35 years ago.. Untouchable. When I used back in my college days, the thought that ruled my mind was "the drugs I played with would never get ahold of me" And those in the crowd I ran with at that age.. That all changed though one night after having a great time being dared along with a bunch of other's at a party doing "ta- kill-ya" shots and sucking on lemons..I landed up learning the lesson of my life that night. Spent most of it once I helicoptered out crawled under some bushes losing groceries for the rest of the evening.I learned a healty respect for alcohol that evening and it also got me rethinking all of these, "feel good" activities..
The reason I never had a problem early on with what your messing with is I never played in the realm of opiates, pain pills, etc. Back then people played around doing things like lacing joints with opium as well because that was "cool" too. But there again I stayed away from it because,, gratefully,, I didn't like the feeling it gave me..And so happy I did, because with my thinking the way it was at the time and had I taken a liking to it, I would have probably landed up being an OD case before age 25.
The reason I find myself in the situation I am now struggling to free myself of the evil stuff is due to medical reasons which brought these opiates into my life 5 years ago requiring me to take them to keep my pain in check until I could get these things addressed with surgery. And another part of my problem was "I really didn't think I would have any problem getting away from them when the time came as I was always able to part company with so many other things I messed with way back when"...
Please stop now..It will grab you while your not looking and as I said, it will be too late to avoid the consequences of depression, lack of energy, motivation, creative thinking,,all of it...This isn't a game you can just turn off. Ask yourself a question..What goes thru your mind when you tell yourself " I am not going to take anymore of the pills"? What are you going to say to your friends when your at a party and their handing them out saying "man, lets feel "real" good? And what are you going to say if you decline and they go "whats the problem? You act like the stuffs bad or something? Just food for thought...Do the right thing. What everyone in here is telling you is the truth..It will mess up all your ambitions if you don't change course now and get your priorites lined up properly.
Jdh403,,this is one of the biggest decisions in your life that will affect your ability to pursue your college dream. Don't blow this. I was full of p*ss and vinegar at your age too. Except that was 35 years ago.. Untouchable. When I used back in my college days, the thought that ruled my mind was "the drugs I played with would never get ahold of me" And those in the crowd I ran with at that age.. That all changed though one night after having a great time being dared along with a bunch of other's at a party doing "ta- kill-ya" shots and sucking on lemons..I landed up learning the lesson of my life that night. Spent most of it once I helicoptered out crawled under some bushes losing groceries for the rest of the evening.I learned a healty respect for alcohol that evening and it also got me rethinking all of these, "feel good" activities..
The reason I never had a problem early on with what your messing with is I never played in the realm of opiates, pain pills, etc. Back then people played around doing things like lacing joints with opium as well because that was "cool" too. But there again I stayed away from it because,, gratefully,, I didn't like the feeling it gave me..And so happy I did, because with my thinking the way it was at the time and had I taken a liking to it, I would have probably landed up being an OD case before age 25.
The reason I find myself in the situation I am now struggling to free myself of the evil stuff is due to medical reasons which brought these opiates into my life 5 years ago requiring me to take them to keep my pain in check until I could get these things addressed with surgery. And another part of my problem was "I really didn't think I would have any problem getting away from them when the time came as I was always able to part company with so many other things I messed with way back when"...
Please stop now..It will grab you while your not looking and as I said, it will be too late to avoid the consequences of depression, lack of energy, motivation, creative thinking,,all of it...This isn't a game you can just turn off. Ask yourself a question..What goes thru your mind when you tell yourself " I am not going to take anymore of the pills"? What are you going to say to your friends when your at a party and their handing them out saying "man, lets feel "real" good? And what are you going to say if you decline and they go "whats the problem? You act like the stuffs bad or something? Just food for thought...Do the right thing. What everyone in here is telling you is the truth..It will mess up all your ambitions if you don't change course now and get your priorites lined up properly.
STOP NOW! Man, your on the edge of blowing all your hoping to do. Not to mention some major withdrawals..I'm 54..I played too. But I have never in my life run across something that has messed me up like the contins did..Just walk away...David
I myself have never been one to want to take drugs, but my husband was a different story. Staying off of drugs means stay away from them. Find a family memeber or friend that is a positive influence for you. Rely on them for moral support.Think about how one mistake can destroy all you are working for now. Good grades do not really matter if you do not have the chance to finish school. A very close friend of mine overdosed on painkillers and unfortunately was found too late.She had 2 weeks left of school and had a 4.0. Really doesn't matter now though. Addiction is hard to face alone, so find someone either on this forum or at home or at school, so that you do not have to face it alone.
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