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2 Weeks Clean... Again
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2 Weeks Clean... Again

Hi All! I feel like I have been outta touch a bit. Today is Day 14 for me, which is amazing compared to Day 4 - not sure if I'd make it.

I just wanted to say thank you to the people who strive to help others on this forum. In emailing a professor about her younger brother who is battling pain pills addiction, I told her I could not have made it without God, my wife, and Medhelp.org's forums.

This is my second time getting this far since Christmas time - I got to 40 days and then thought I was strong enough to take one here, or another there, etc. Strangely, I almost feel like this relapse will help me to not relapse a third time. I pray it does.

If you're in early WD's, be encouraged, eat well, exercise if you can, and fight, fight, fight. Oh, and as skeptical as I was, acupuncture has really helped a lot. Blessings to all, David
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38 Comments Post a Comment
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1580085_tn?1400944438
that is a brilliant post! well done you, its great you didnt give up and finally got there, it took me a few goes also, now all we have to do is, stay clean!  i pray we will, all the best, god bless.
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229538_tn?1300381367
Well done and yes a great post ! Took me 4 times  also ..
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Avatar_m_tn
HI David good to see you made it threw again....keep your faith in God you are a new creature in Christ Jesus ....my faith in God is a huge part of my recovery but it not all I do plug into one of the many forms of aftercare you will find it helpful... between the 2 I stay clean congrats on 2 weeks clean I wish you all the best in your recovery good luck and God bless.....Gnarly
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks guys. I've been focusing on just living each day well. I've literally been waking up and asking God to help me live this one day well. Hopefully I will string them up at the end of it all, thank Him, and feel at peace.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey!  I'm sorry you have gone through this again. Definitely try to learn from it, and move forward.  You're not alone. It's so common to have thoughts that we can have "just one today" and before we know it, we are back in it again!  

I'm here with ya for support or whatever you need! You got this! ;-)
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495284_tn?1333897642
Congrats on your clean time!!  Just remember that now that the mental part will kick in and that is the hardest one.  Aftercare is important.  Keep moving forward~~~~sara
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617347_tn?1331296681
David... hope you are doing ok today :) ... are you back to the treadmill ?
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Avatar_m_tn
Sara and Laurel - thank you. So ironic that the mental is kicking in today. Very discouraged today. Equally ironic is that the answer to the treadmill question is "no." Mostly because of a head cold I've had the last 4 days. It's still lingering, but maybe that's what I need. I'm tired of being sad, when I have so much to be thankful for.

Love you guys.

David
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Avatar_m_tn
Just a questions did u get any withdrawal symptoms that caused you to use again? like PAWS. 40 days then you started using again. Thats what happened to me. :-( and I too thought ok just a few days of taking them ill then ill be fine. well 3 months later and wow... i forgot what hold these pills put on you lie to yourself.. false pain, ugh... Its a nasty drug. in all the same im glad God made it this way.. SO I know not to abuse it again :-) The more I have to struggle to get of of my problem the more and more I know I will never go down that road again! God Bless!  PS IF you feel Depressed or just terrible BLEH after about day 8 :-) i learned the first time, eat chocolate!!! and lots of it.. I have 2 huge bars of hershey on my fridge waiting for me later :-) eat chocolate!! im serious too it will help your depression also and give ya alittle kick in the butt of energy!
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Avatar_f_tn
Chocolate is always good!

Yes,this relapse may have helped you in the long run!   Two weeks is great...definitely look into recovery care of some kind. It's worked for me since my relapse last year! Now,I'm going on a year...

Stay strong and get on the forum more often!
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1235186_tn?1339127464
hey david congrats on those 2 weeks. good for you. keep the faith, trust,hope,cling,believe you can do all things through Christ Jesus who gives you strength. does your church have a support group for addicts? if not check around  the ag churches have an overcomers meeting, i think the methodist group is called celebrate recovery. "be strong in the Lord & never give up hope. youre going to do great things i already know. GOD'S got HIS hand on you so don't live life in fear.".....keep  listening to christian music.  you and the LORD make a majority. greater is HE that is in you then he that is in this world.
blessings to you
debbie
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1235186_tn?1339127464
actually today is 18 days. yea.
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1563022_tn?1296336199
David - Congrats on day 14. This is a good post. I don't think anyone has not relapsed at least once, took me five times before I got it right.
Remember what you wrote...you THOUGHT you were strong enough to take one here and there. None of us are. Don't EVER forget that.
Keep it up, and congrats again.
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1525404_tn?1291918116
I've probably quit a couple of dozen times over the past 10 years and the 6 week mark would always find me rationalizing that I can take a couple today if I promise not to do it again for at least 3 or 4 weeks and that way I'll always keep a handle on it. The thing is though I would go maybe a week and do it again and then two or three days later I'd be in it again until I was full blown active again.

Today I'm 144 days clean. I know in my heart that If I take just one or two then I will have started the launch sequence to raging addiction again. I hit 60 days and most of the pressure to use seemed to melt away. Now 5 months clean I'm starting to forget what the high felt like so I no longer have any real cravings.

Staying sober for life begins with 1 day, then 1 week, then 2 weeks, so forth and so on.

14 Days? That's huge because for me the first 14 days were much harder than the last 130 have been. Keep it up.
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm pretty sick of myself. I went back to work yesterday, and have still been feeling depressed, hopeless, tired, etc. I can attribute some of that to WDs (maybe), some to lack of exercise and nutrition, and some to my back problems that started the oxy road.

Anyway, I foolishly thought being self-destructive was the way to go yesterday after school, and went and drank. I went to do different places, and the second one was a dive bar with a rough crowd. I drank too much, got into it with some people late, and ended up being beaten up by 2-3 of them. I wanted to just go home after, the but bartender called a paramedic and they forced me to go to the ER.

My wife had to come get me with our young kids and I missed work today. My face is swollen and cut, and I'm in one of the worst mental states ever. I'm SOOOOOO effing tired of failing myself, my family, and my God. I told April I wanted to take a whole bottle of sleeping pills today. I hate myself, hate, hate, hate myself.

I was a teenage alcoholic from 15-20, and then stopped cold for 10 years with no help - just didn't want it anymore. Not long after my mom died of cancer at age 48, I relapsed in drinking off and from from age 30 till now.

What is going on with this tradeoff??? Am I just addicted to sin and destruction? Is that it? It's like my mind just won't get right, and my life is the sum of one bad choice after another. I'm so sick of living to fail.

I'm not posting because I think I'll find "stroking" in return. I don't care if you cuss me out. I looked into counseling today, since the university I'm at offers it for free to current students. I just don't know where I'd begin my stupid life story.
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Avatar_f_tn
Listen to me...this is a problem that's far bigger than you are or any of us. You simply can't do it alone!

The day you admit that you're helpless and powerless (like today) is the day you will begin to recover.  Just give it up and get some help.  Counceling is a good start and you don't have to go back to your birth. Start by discussing your destructive behaviors and go from there.

We all need support no matter where we are in recovery. You can do this so just do it!

Good luck,stay in touch,and stay out of bars!
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1416133_tn?1351126817
I agree with vicki - the abuse of these drugs is only a symptom of what's really going on with you.  Counseling is a great place to start to address all of that David and I'm really PROUD of you for doing that.  Go slow and keep your expectations in check for a while.  Don't put the unnecessary burdens upon yourself for a while.  You'll get there - just take your time with it.  Once you figure out why you're abusing, you have a fighting chance.  I'll continue to root for you as I always have.  You have the desire - now you just need the coping skills to succeed.  And you can do it - I KNOW you can.  :)
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Avatar_m_tn
My every flesh instinct is to go to urgent care to get oxy. I know I won't do it though. I just want to be numb and "forget."
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1283286_tn?1312915566
Know the feeling all too well..Its the perfect excuse...Thats where aftercare comes in. To help deal with that thought pattern..Sounds like if anything, you got some of that pent up frustration and anger out the other night except it had a few consequences..I imagine you "don't" recommend that anyone attempt to get a release in such a fashion ( couldn't help myself..:),,,just glad to hear your ok,).Ahh,,look at it this way..Lesson learned, Pain pills will screw a person's life up..I'm still angry underneath about how I allowed myself to let them get their hooks in me..Take a moment of pause and then get back on track..Time will heal this..
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Avatar_f_tn
You can forget without the pills. You've got a brain!!  Just think. Imagine. Pretend. It's a lot easier...
What exactly would you say to me if I told you I was going to borrow some pills from my neighbor because I feel like it and I can and I know he'd give them to me??  Though I'm not in physical pain only psychic pain. What would you say to me?

Resting my case and tiptoeing out now...
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1235186_tn?1339127464
David,
I wish I could give you a hug right now. My son who is 25 just had the samething happen to him one month ago.beat up by 4 guys after being  in a bar. He looked like a monster.broken nose.2 swollen shut and black & blue eyes. Extremely swollen lips.concussion. the whites of his eyes still have blood spots in them. The LORD was watching over you and my son and protecting you. My son has a concussion history and if one of those pubches hit him wrong he could have been dead. As I said before GODS got HIS hand on you. Please stop running submit yourself fully to HIM. Council wit your pastor.attend mens meetings ,prayer groups, That devil will do whatever he can to get you and my son again. He knows you.love the LORD and he is trying to discourage you and beat you down.since you have had addiction issues for a long time including the alcohol maybe you would consider an inpatient chrisitan rehab. So you can just focus on you the LORD you underlying issues. And getting clean. My husband spent 3 months there last year and it was so worth it. He is doing great clean 13 months and we are healing and being restored as a family unit. I am praying for you and rebuling the devil from you and your family .
Yours in Christ
Debbie
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for your comments and prayers. I do look terrible, but the swelling is going down some and I plan on working tomorrow. Don't know how I'll answer people. I'm tired of lying. I want to be a good man...

I think I'd be dead without my wife. I just told her that every time there is a huge storm in our life - or something that is a result of my dumb mistakes - she sticks by me and is calm in the storm. I asked her why she doesn't just hate me. She said because I love you. This is what love does.

I'm almost to 20 days. Will make that counseling appointment and see how it goes. I will take baby steps.

Seriously, the amount of non-judgmental but healthy advice you guys give to me and others who shoot themselves in the foot, is unheard of. I wish the world, the church, the universe was like this all across the board. The way you guys "are," is inspiring me to keep picking myself up.

I'm not taking a pain pill to self-medicate. Not even one.
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Avatar_f_tn
That's the spirit!

I love your wife!

Be okay...
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495284_tn?1333897642
Yes that is what love is all about~~Do right with yourself, learn to love you also.  Keep moving forward as you are sounding alot better~~~sara
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401095_tn?1351395370
good ;luck with staying clean this go around...and as mentioned, aftercare sure gives an addict a fighting chance.  Many post here after relapse, and if u ask them what they have tried in their plan to stay clean, very few will have included aftercare in their plan.  Addicts resist aftercare like the plague, and it is the one, tried and true, medicine for our disease.  Stubborn bunch we are!  LOL

Keep moving forward and re-evaluate what you can do differently this time.

keep posting
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Avatar_m_tn
Just checking in you guys... I'm still fighting. Weaker at times than others.

If your a praying person, please pray for my pain levels. They are getting worse. I have an MRI slated for tomorrow night.
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