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Avatar universal

267 days and worried!

Hey everyone,

It has been a while since I last posted. I am 267 days free from Tramadol and feeling pretty darn good:)

This Thursday I have surgery on my torn meniscus and assume that I will be given painkillers....I know it's not Tramadol and doesn't make me feel the same, but I cant stop worrying about it all.

I have not been able to stop thinking about Tramadol and pills for the last couple weeks. Can't stop thinking about that nice superwoman feeling I will get. I am craving them really bad and am worried that after my surgery and after I start taking painkillers, that I will want to go down that road again.

The recovery from Tramadol was HELL, but yet it is almost like I am forgetting about all the hell of it and am only thinking about how much I 'think' it will make me happy....
13 Responses
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1926359 tn?1331588139
hey Kylie-

I think I remember you from your previous journey here.  I've had the surgery that you're about to have.  One year exactly after I got clean.  I was scared as he** too.  But I told my surgeon my fears and he only prescribed the bare minimum.  I lived alone at the time so had no one that could dole out the pills.  It's not that bad of a surgery.  I made sure to explicitly say I did not want anything with oxycodone in it (especially not percocet because I REALLY liked those)  I got hydromorphone because it is strong and makes me nauseous if I take more than is enough to deal with the pain.
I took them ONLY at night so I could sleep.  The rest of the day I took Tylenol and for a few days Toradol.  I took them for two weeks post op and then I stopped.  No problem, no w/d's,
I stepped up my recovery during this time and made sure I was talking, talking, talking about it A LOT.  I'm pretty sure I drove my friends and family crazy but they were proud of me.  I was proud of me.
Now here I am 18 months later with a whole other set of misery.  My stage 4 endometriosis that I thought was cured by my last surgery began to rear it's ugly head back in October.  I refused to take a pain med until February, when I realized I was going to lose EVERYTHING because I could no longer function in this terrible pain.
I am waiting for a surgery that has been put off many times for reasons beyond my control.
I'm scared but again I upped my aftercare.
I have a man now who knows everything and he holds my pills.
I signed an opiate contract.
I am doing okay.  I'm not really taking enough to deal with the pain sufficiently because I am scared that it's been a few months now and my tolerance is growing.  But I will deal with that problem after my surgery.

You will be fine- but you gotta step up the aftercare okay?
I'm glad your husband is on board.
Honestly, with this surgery RICE is best.  Anti-inflammatories work better than opiates (I can't take them because of my Crohn's)
You got this.
I'm glad you posted.
Sending hugs...
Lu
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
Hi Kylie..I have been off this site for a few days do to a Heart Procedure I had. I did tell EVERYONE that was involved about my Addiction. I only got something in a IV during the procedure and maybe 2 hydo that night. Went home with NO Pain Pills and I did NOT asked for any either.
I just want you to know that using for me, lead me to smoke in my later life which in the long run almost caused me to die. SO we have many bad behaviors in Life that have to change..This right here takes some Working on and Support. I know one BIG trigger for you, as it used to be for me, is to want to get wired up and do everything at once..Just think of the havoc this puts on our Brain/Body. (Heart)!!
You say you had some Bad times these past months..Well lots of us had, including myself..Went through that LONG heck of a detox only to loose half my family when I almost had almost 18 months in. I am not trying to be mean because I sure do care..I just DO NOT want you to go back to this..Just BE SAFE and let them ALL know about your concerns about your past using. Also you might want to UP that support a bit so YOU can calm that mental thinking down right now before it does become physical. This is a Disease and it can be arrest at some point but never cured.  I do wish you the best.
Bless
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Glad he knows, Kylie and glad I was mistaken about that.  I am truly sorry for the pain and heartache you have been through.  Please read the other suggestions above.....they can help you.  And please start posting on the forum again.....you are missed~
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for the support, but my husband does know.

ALOT happened to me and my family when I stopped Tramadol...alot of heartache and pain that no one on this site even knows about.

I will NEVER literally go back to them...I just can't seem to get them out of my head though. For the last couple weeks I have literally just been thinking about them non stop and how good they made me feel and how much I accomplished on them. I am not sure if it will ever go away:(

Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
I have what some (that don't remember you or know your history) will think are "hard" things to be be saying to you, Kylie.  I have always been concerned about you.  You made it 8 months off Trams the last time and are just about to your 9 month mark this time.  It's a critical time for you.

My first suggestion is to go back and read your very first posts that began a year ago this month.  And my second suggestion is to be TOTALLY honest and transparent with ALL your doctors....not just your primary or your previous OB, but especially your upcoming surgeon.

Not only should all our doctors and our dentist know of our addiction history....but if I'm not mistaken you are still hiding your addiction from the man you are married to....so him doling out post-surgery pills probably isn't in your plan if he isn't even aware of your addiction history....cause then he would know your secret.
When our husbands are kept in the dark.....there is absolutely no accountability.  And the romanticizing of our "feel good" pills will always return sooner or later.  The last thing that is missing is "recovery support"....if we quit posting on MH, don't see an addiction counselor/therapist and don't participate in any type of recovery support group......the cycle/disease in our mind continues.  White knucklin it can be done for awhile.....but with no inner peace...the beast of addiction slowly and surely creeps back in.
I know you are resistant to these suggestions.....and at your young age it would be great if you learned without relapsing....I sure hope you'll open your heart and mind to the suggestions repeatedly made to every single person on this forum~
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
I can imagine that if I was presented with the idea of having pain meds for a short while that I too would remember why I liked them.  Thats got to be hard and I am sure I will one day face that.  The battle lies inside our heads after we take away the meds.  We physically start to heal, but our old ways of thinking stay with us.  Sounds like you know the dark alleys and corners pills will take you, but it also sounds like you are focused on how they made you feel.  Remember, that relief and good feeling is only temporary.  Soon we chase the dragon and eventually the dragon chases us.  Doing this on self will power alone isn't enough.  Trying to do things our way to cope with life got us where we are at. The surgery, heaing and meds will only be temporary.  You can do it.  I was told  craving only last 5 to 10 minutes, so when it pops in your head, distract yourself.  It will pass.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks guys:)

My regular Doc knows about my Tramadol troubles but not the operating surgeon. I know, I can't believe I am fantasising about them.

I am very happy, to a point. I have a beautiful and healthy family that I need to stay sober for, but I just can't seem to get back to being fully happy. I don't think I will ever forget about them and how they made me feel. But yes, I do remember and know the horrible hell they put me through and trying to get off of them. I also know that even if I started taking them again, my dosage would just keep growing like it did before. I can't believe I was up to taking 15 pills a day!!! That is just crazy, I am lucky to be here!!! But after all that hell I went through, I am still not completely happy without them. I still craze their energy they gave me.
Helpful - 0
4810126 tn?1503942735
This HP is so slow, D! I probably had a 10 minute jump on you ) :)
Helpful - 0
9704730 tn?1405741284
Let me help you to remember. I have been on this horrible tramadol for 12 years. I woke up today and I can't function and yes I am still on it. This is not a wd. I don't know how long you were taking it but I am guessing not more than a decade so here is what will eventually happen. Your brain will stop producing serotonin and I am sure you have heard that but do you really comprehend what that means. Think about how depressed you were during detox now imagine that for about three years while trying to function and go on with normal life.
You have done an amazing thing by kicking those. Please don't go back its not worth it. Eventually they will stop working the way you like them to and you will feel a complete change in your mind and way of thinking that is really dark and isolating.  Just don't let that stupid little voice tell you what you as an intelligent person knows will send you back into a nightmare. You can do it.
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1656987798
Ha all 3 of us were typing at the same time. Me a bit slower on my kindle.
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1656987798
Hi kylie it's good to see you.
First of all CONGRATS on your clean time.
You are doing awesome.
Please stop believing the lies of the enemy .
Stop fantasizing about the pills. It is a false happiness.you have to find true happiness  from within .
Does the doctor know about your addiction?
You are going to have to give control of the pills to your husband!!!
Have you been to counseling , church or meetings?
How are things with the baby and your hubby?
Are you happy now?
Do you get out much?
Do you have "me" time?
Hugs, Debbie
Helpful - 0
4810126 tn?1503942735
Hi there Kylie :)

First, a Big Congrats to you on Day 267!

I totally understand your feeling of foreboding re: taking any opiate after the surgery! I'm having one this Friday & am experiencing the same worries. (Actually, yours is the 3rd upcoming surgery this week on forum that I know of -- maybe we can all pull through this together ;)).

I've been thinking long & hard about how to safely navigate this unpleasant & unavoidable test & I came up with the following:

1) I was completely 'transparent' with my surgeons.
2) I plan to take the least amount of painkillers necessary & to drop them as soon as possible. However, I came to the conclusion that I'd have to take enough so that I would heal properly as the stress from pain & possible lack of sleep has to be balanced against the fear of abuse & a new habit.
3) I'll probably have a family member dole them out to me after the 1st couple of days -- particularly if I experience the urge to over-use, etc.
4) I plan to stay in touch with supportive MH & other friends. I'm also toying with the idea of running a thread or journaling to stay 'witnessed'
5) I've stocked up on healing supplements & nutrients in order to speed recovery & the  possible need to detox.
6) I will do everything I can to stay in a positive frame of mind. If I end up with a small habit, I will go through it again willingly in order  to get back on track (This is my mantra!)

I'm not sure what type of surgery you're having or how long you'll be on painkillers but If a dependency does form for either of us, please know that it won't compare to what we originally experienced. There is a wise way to do this -- I'm certain of this! Others here have done it recently & are clean today. Try not to stress too much & keep posting for support. Let us know how you're doing. Okay?

Wishing you a successful surgery, a brief downtime & rapid healing! :))

Annie
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
Does your Dr know about your addictions?  If so, then they will only give you
what you need.  If you have someone that can hold them and dose them out for you, that word be helpful.  Right now your addict mind is romanticizing using.  If you can't dismiss those thoughts, you are setting yourself up for a physical relapse.  You are ready in an emotional relapse mode.  WHat is your plan to get off them?  are you going to meetings for support?   This is your life and sobriety.  Pain meds sometimes are neccessary, but as addicts we can't be trusted with a bottle of pills.  I am glad you posted.
Helpful - 0
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