2nd attempt this week c/t off painkillers

[iwannabefree]

Ok this is the second attempt this week to get off the painkillers. I was taking approx 500mg of codeine a day. A pack of panefen plus has nearly 14 mg of codeine and mixed with ibprofen. It comes in a pack of 30. Until last month they were available in packs of 96. Now here is the disgrace. These are sold over the counter in Australia where Im from. Its bad enough the severe addiction to codeine a lot of people are getting from these things but the massive amounts of ibprofen taken with a whole box a day is now responsible for people dying from massive internal bleeding. I am sure I have bleeding of my stomah lining and not to mention what it has probably done to my kidneys and liver after 3 years of abuse. Why are these things still over the counter?? I beat a codeine addiction many years ago after going into a detox clinic. I was clean for years and then had bad spinal and back problems and was silly enough to think I would be fine after all this time since I was taking it for a very good reason. Now I am realizing for the very first time that I am an addict for life. I will be a non practicing addict but still an addict. So once you detox is over in a few days time I have decided that I need to do what I didnt do before, and thats go to NA meetings on a permant basis.
It is Friday night here in Australia and I started detox all by myself with nobody knowing last Tuesday morning. I last until 3 pm on Wednesday when I was suffering from the worse migraine I can ever remember having, severe chills, shaking,RLS,anxiety,depression and the highest case of blood pressure of my life. Honestly my heart was beating so eratically I could hardly breathe. My heart literally felt like it was going to burst from my chest. I ended up driving to emergency and the doctor staright away ordered an ambulance for me and told me I could have a stroke at any time. At this point I addmitted my drug problem and he told me I needed to stop and start to taper first. That afternoon I took 4 pills. It was loads less than my normal dosage but was enough to take the edge off and bring my blood pressure down. When I got home that night I just broke down in a heap on the floor and cried my heart out. I felt so hopeless and alone. Hopeless because I really was proud that I had got to the second day and alone because I was too embarrested to tell anyone. I had put my family through hell years ago and was humiated to confess I was back to square one after all these years. I felt defeated scared and alone and totally thought of commiting suicide and just be done with it.
The next morning I pulled myself together and thought"Right, even if it takes a bit longer tapering I will do this". I wasnt too sure of when I would take my next dose to taper, but over the next day and up until right now it has become a morbid game to see how long I can go c/t again before I have to give in to a taper. When my blood pressure started to rise and anxiety along with the heart palpitations came in the early hours of this morning I spent from 2 am until 5.30 am jumping in and out of a hot bath of radox, but I didnt reach for the pills. Today was not easy but after forcing myself out of the house today I spent an hour and a half in a movie theatre followed by an hour going through each and every herbal potion in the health store at the Mall. I was so determined to find something that would help that I even swallowed my pride and addmitted to the salesperson that I was in detox from painkillers. It was a good thing I did because she recommended something for anxiety that would also help with depression etc. I was a bit skeptical but 20 minutes after taking it I did indeed feel a little better and a lot less anxious. For anyone in Australia this is made in Australia and is called "Fusion Health stress and anxiety" and works straight away, whereas most herbal remedies takes days if not weeks to work.
As I am sitting here and typing this I am counting the hours since those last 4 pills and it is now 50 hours. This is the longest I have gone without a pill in 3 years. Please PLEASE everyone pray for me that I can get through the next few days without using. This is soooo hard doing this all by myself with noone but you guys you knowing . God bless to all who are fighting the fight.

[iwannabefree]

Thanks so much for all the encouragement guys. You all rock!! It meant so much to me when the sun finally came up this morning and I literally dragged myself out of bed to make a very strong coffee and then came back to bed with it to see all your posts and encouragement. It truly keeps me going! dominoSara and Punkinhead... I fully intend to start NA meetings as soon as I reach 5 days and can feel like I can sit still through an entire meeting. Many years ago when I first came out of a detox clinic I told myself I didnt need NA and that that was just for week people. I couldnt understand why anyone in their right mind would want to sit with a bunch of drug addicts every week and rehash the whole thing over and over again. I just wanted to get on with my life and never associate with anyone like that again. I now truly understand how wrong I was. NA is not about being stuck in the past. Its about making sure you never relapse again by remembering all this pain.
Thanks shinningstar500 for your support. You were one of the ones who gave me encouragement the first attempt 5 days ago now.
Thanks justneedtotalk I wish you all the very best in your recovery also. It is a very hard thing to do to go it alone sectretly. Yesterday my mother visited me and she was so worried about me that she wanted to call a doctor immediately. I told her I was suffering from the worse case of the flu. Im not sure she believed me.
Thanks Inguz74 for your support.Yes this site has been a Godsend to me. Sometimes I get so lonely because I am alone and not in a relationship right now. I suppose in some ways I'm glad as I just kept blowing perfectly good relationships because of the fact of my addiction. I now dont want to meet anyone until I am a whole person again and I have something to contribute.I will check out the things you mention at the healthstore next time I go to the Mall.
Jerry4664 I feel for you. I really do. Its such a feeling of defeat when we relapse, but I guess the main thing is to just pick ourselves up and keep giving it another try. The worse thing we could do is give into it and think because we blew it we may as well continue on our merry little way down the path of destruction. I also have a great career that to be honest Im not sure how the hell Ive kept up with my addiction. I am a clothing designer and travel to the States quite often and have had clients as famous as Courtney Love. It wasnt an easy thing to do because everytime I went I sweated the fact that I was carrying about 10,000 mg of codeine stashed in my bags, all without a prescription. I would break out in a cold sweat in the waiting lines at customs in the US every time I saw the guys with tracker dogs come anywhere near me. Now I just look forward to visiting my girlfriend in LA once I get clean again, and this time with no drugs in my bags.
Thanks guys. I luv you all! You really are an amazing group of people. And you guys who are clean with months behind you and regularly come on here to give all us newbies hope and encouragement...you deserve a humanitarian award you really do. Its because of all your encouragement that I am keeping on keeping on. ..........cheers Christine

[jerry4664]

Best of luck i feel for you,,,, I have never told anyone about my problem not anyone Im a upperlevel supervisor incharge of multimillion dollar projects and my wife of 20 years knows I take pills from my last accident but has no idea how many I really take because I add pills to the bottle that I buy from " this guy" hell last night was so bad that before I went to watch a movie with my boys a popped two just form the hell of it !!! WTF is wrong with me so never think that you are beyond help if I could I at times wanted to ball up on the floor and ask what have I done to myself.

I just got done blowing 3 weeks of recovery in two days now Im starting all over again!!! you can do it and so can I have a great weekend

[Inguz74]

I really feel for you, my symptoms pale in comparison but I have been where you are, as many people here have...with the long, unbearable nights and miserable days, but you are doing great.  When my fiance and I were detoxing from methadone, this site provided us with an outlet, a way to verbalize our feelings...and an activity to occupy our time which is also an important element initially.  
Drinking plenty of water and trying to be active is very important.  Perhaps you could check out a supplement called CalMag, a powdered blend of calcium and magnesium that helped us out tremendously.  Vitamin deficiency is one reason for the pain associated with withdrawals so maybe you could speak with your doctor and find a suitable vitamin regimen.  
Best of luck to you, keep posting and stay strong.  

[justneedtotalk]

I am in the same situation you are in.....I have gone through the worst of the detox alone and without anyone around me knowing.  It was one of the single most difficult processes I have ever gone through.....I agree with everyone above that finding some aftercare is truly a lot easier than trying to go it alone.  Even though we are strong right now because we can still remember or are experiencing the pains of detox we all need help staying away long term when that memory fades a bit.  You can go it alone but it is such a futile point if you have other options.  I wish you the best of luck and quitting is actually pretty easy if you think about it.....As you walk past or are in those corner stores just think to yourself that today is not the day that I am going to use.....I cannot stand the roller coaster of relapses and detox's.  I guess you can say I was sick and tired of being sick and tired!  I wish you the best of luck and just say no for today....Tomorrow is a new challenge!  

[dominosarah]

Good post!!

[Punkinhead75]

One day at a time, one hour at a time or minute at a time.  I do them all when I need to.  Just keep working through the WD's you are doing great.  Listen to sara!!!!!!  Aftercare is very important.  You said in your first post "was silly enough to THINK I would be fine after all this time..."  First off do you see where our own thinking gets us? These are tricks our disease plays on us to get us high again.  In aftercare we learn these things from other peoples experience.  It isn't always necessary to get beat up and go through all that pain again and again.  We don't have to suffer all the setbacks of relapsing when we get connected, put our egos aside and listen to others who have been there and have gotten through it.  I'm pulling for you.  Keep heading in the right direction.  Get honest, build a network and use it.  It works when we work it!!!

[dominosarah]

Try and get going on some aftercare right away.  You have been in this vicious cycle long enough.  Make sure you are drinking plenty of fluids and get up and move around as much as you can.  That will help your natural endorphins get back to normal.  Keep fighting as this will all be worth it in the end.  You can do it!!!         sara

[shiningstar500]

You can do this and you will feel better for it! It is rough at first but it will feel better soon. Good luck to you and I wish you the best!!!

[iwannabefree]

Thanks franny62. That means a lot to me. As they say in NA "One day at a time" Just never realized how loooooong a day could be, never mind a night! The nights feel like a marathon, and by the time the sun finally comes up Im just happy the damned things over. Yes I am in HUGE pain , but then again what did I expect? A picnic or a walk in the park? Even though this is soooo hard to endue, in some ways I am kind of glad because Im thinking every second of this HELL is teaching me to never walk back into a pharmacy here and buy codeine ever again.  I pray if Im ever tempted, that a huge flashback of right now comes charging forth.
I used to be the typical fun loving and friendly Aussie until this addiction took hold of me again. Cant wait to get that old joy of life back.
Ok its nearing midnight and since I know I wont be getting any sleep since Ive already gotten a whopping 1 and a half hours tonight, Im going to spend the night with my laptop propped up in my bed with me and watch the whole season 3 of True Blood. Luv you all !

[Franny62]

Bless your heart, and know you're in my prayers. Detoxing is so hard, but you'll make it I'm sure. The hard part is knowing you can get them so easily. Remember there's strength in numbers. So NA meetings, and a good sponsor can work wonders if you really feel your predispositioned in abusing anything that makes you feel euphoric, or high. You sound as though you are simply in pain, and the biggest problem? Dehydration, because that will kill you. Love you Aussies, because you have such a love of life, and are so darn fun, and friendly. I would also love to visit your beautiful Country. Hang in there, and know that this too shall pass.  Sincerely, Franny

[iwannabefree]

Thanks just need to talk. I will be posting on here a lot just to keep connected as I have noone else knowing I am doing this. I have taken a week off work supposedly with the flu. I suppose if I need more time off I can always say its turned into neumonia. Once I can get past a month(God I hope!!) I am planning on going to visit my friend in the states where you cant just buy opiates over the counter. I have a friend in New York who is in AA and he is horrified with what you can buy over the counter here. And yes you are correct. Its extremely difficult staying off painkillers in Australia when every few yards in every mall there is a pharmacy here. Its not an easy thing to do in the early stages of recoevery to walk past all these places. It was so many years ago now when I first got off codeine in a detox clinic that I cant remember how long the physical effects take to leave the body in detox. Is it 5 days or 7? I know this is different for everyone but in most detox clinics there is a period of time for detox. I just cant remeber how long it is. At the moment the two worse things for me are sleeplessness and a huge headache that just wont go away no matter how many advil or aspirin or panadol I take. The herbal medicine I got today is really helping with the anxiousness and depression, and the imodium is a godsend as every time I ever tried to get off all the ****the general shakes and weakness to the point of nearly passing out just from the fact of diahhoea and running to the toilet evey few minutes at any time of day or night. The immodium also seems to be helping to a certain degree with any stomach cramps or aches.As does all the hot baths with muscle relaxants. God I must be the cleanest person in Australia right now. I,ve had about a dozen baths today!

[justneedtotalk]

Good luck with this.....You are going to be miserable for a little while longer but should start feeling good soon.  The difficult thing for you is that your drug of choice is readily available to you.  I think for you to be successful in staying off coedine you are going to have to find some aftercare or a darn good support system.  You can do it though!  It is neat that you are from Australia.....I visited Perth years ago and loved every minute I was there.  Keep posting here on this site, there are a lot of knowledgable people here that have been through it all!  Once you make the mental committment to being done with pills it will be a lot easier once you get past the physical withdrawals....Good luck and keep posting!