3 years off 200mgs +/- street methadone

[weaver71]

Ive told my history so many times, I want to share what things are like now and how I see and feel about the future. In my first months I said to many that I think I'll have my life together in 3 years. It has taken every bit of 3 years. So, yesterday was 3 years. Today, I am laying in bed at my mothers house, waiting to go see my Dad in the ICU, his alcholism has finally given him the ultimate ultimatum, "You COULD live without me, no guarantees, but you WILL die, and soon, with me." He came out of his 3 week coma yesterday, intestines sewn back together, dialysis worked okay, colostomy bag is likely permenant, he was able to remove the respirator, and at 64, he has a choice. The doctor said, "You drink, you die, no maybees anymore." He chose alcohol over a relationship with my mom, over me, over his grandchildren, so now we find out if he loves alcohol more than life itself. That is how intemse addiction is. Today, I will offer to help him one last time and haven't spoken to him in 4 years. You can imagine, even if you don't know me, I have had some feelings about all this. You see, we all mess up, my transgressions have been forgiven, because I sought and accepted help. Medhelp is a major place it all started, and aftercare sealed the deal I made with myself.

I share this day to explain that I have cried violently, I have had flashbacks of memories no adult child should have. The unfairness, my innocents stripped from me at a young age, not feeling loved by my creator for all my life. You know what, I actually just realized I have not even thought of pills, until I decided to post here. I am officially instinctively handling situations that used to baffle me. Though I didn't really believe it a long time, and stuck with it anyone, the pronmises of recovery are real.I have felt horrible, but I want to face it and let it go. No matter how I tried in life, I Never could escape from pain and today I embrace it, surrender to it. I don't just think my life is better off drugs, but even in pain, I feel it is better. I know this day will pass and I will live to talk about it. More hard and easy times will come and go, those are the terms of this life.

So I look forward 3 years, much like the day I quit opiates, I cannot imagine how things will change or what blessings and turmoil will come. I am still using the surrender and faith I used on day one. It no longer scares me, not knowing. I don't regret the last three years and I bet I won't regret the next 3. Just for today, I will honor progress over perfection, reminding me to place principles over personalities. There is not better time than right here, right now. This is MY life.

Im writing on a cracked up phone, not sure how clear this is, but I am clear, no matter the condition of my phone, my dad, or anything outside of me, because I am the real me. Thank you all for your support, never stop growing, the journey is the destination.




I

[atthebeach]

Hey Tony it's great to see you post.
Congrats on 3 years clean.
I hope all is well with you and yours.
You have been missed.
So proud of you and very happy for you and yours.
Keep on keepin on.
Debbie

[VICourageous]

Congrats to you my Dear Friend.
I have missed yacking with you.

YOU know how I feel about all of this. YOU & I ran hand & hand as we experienced all the same physical and emotional issues that took us SO long to detox.

I have told you on here and over the line, that I would of gave up almost 3 yrs ago, if it was not for you and how you where my Post that held up this Fence.
We both thought it would never end, as each day or month we removed a new layer. What a long ash physical detox we had let alone the mental. Life just kept throwing us them curve balls, but we did not give in. Only got Stronger. I love you man and your awesome family.

I went into some of my Journals and Pics from 2012 and just crack up when I re-read what you said.

On the other hand..I will pray that all will work out with your Dad. You know I miss my Family so much and feel that the circle has been broken around here now that they are in heaven.

Yep, You have been one of the best writers on here for a long time and taught me a thing or two. We have a few awesome writers on here. If I could take back the time, I would of not been in the orange groves smoking pot, but in them English classes back in the 60-70..Hahaha
Oh well, all we have is TODAY!!!

Hugs to you Bud!!!!
Bless

[jlannspr]

I love love love your posts. That is all. You make everything feel okay with your words. You have a gift.

[weaver71]

We can't make life easy, so we gotta make it worth it!

[motye51]

As usual, I really enjoyed your post. Dealing with long time issues (even other's issues) to me, is a major life hurdle. It sounds as if you've found some patience and empathy for your father knowing how hard it is for an addict to stop!  I hear ya though, sometimes, you give so many chances and offer to help so many times that you just get burnt out and have to back off for your own sanity!  I'm glad you are making yourself available for your dad.

On a happier note.....totally awesome to hear that you made 3 years....you have always been an inspiration to me and the openness with how your mind works still baffles me to this day!  I have honesty, I have willingness, open-mindedness....I'm still working on!  In anyway, congrats to you and all of your hard work.  Always willing to lend a hand to anyone that would take it....that's how I would describe you!

[refills]

Tony, you have helped me so many times in a short period of time. We know that life has zero rhyme or reason, while life does have meaning. It's what we do with the life that we get. They say life's lessons make us tougher. I say maybe, but I believe they make us kinder and smarter if we chose to learn. I think the best compliment I could give you Tony. You took life's lessons and you made them yours. God Bless you Tony and which ever way the wind blows you stay downwind....ike

[jugglin]

Thank you for this entire thread.  I needed to hear that last comment you wrote...God made sure I stopped in to do so.  Yes, listen to the heart and God will guide.
You are loved by so many of us here.
May God continue to bless you Weaver!

[weaver71]

Do you know why I like to give advice? Because it makes me stop and make sure I am doing what I say others could do. So, I told a good friend that if she feeds the spirit, the spirit will bear fruit, if she feeds the stress, there will be bitter fruit. I communicate with the Great Mystery in two basic ways, I vent and I listen, I suppose you might call it meditation in motion. I don't really do special requests, I figure I'd screw it up and ask to be rich and end up a chesecake.  I opened my heart up this morning as wide as I could. I was on my way to the hospital and and put on my cosmic mind muffs and began to listen. As I passed a good friends restraraunt, I was drawn to stop by and say goodbye to them. His wife quit drinking yesterday, I shared some of my story and the condition my father is in. We decided to go have breakfast, at the first table was another one of his friends, so we sat down with him. This man's wife was 10 days sober and shot herself in the head with his 38 pistol, she is still alive and critical. Three paths brought together, I believe because I was reminded by a friend told to listen to her spirit, not her mind.
A man in his 40's, another in his 50's, and one in his 60's, sat at the center table of a cafe with tears welling up that the waitress was hesitant to ask if we needed anything. Brave, vulnerable, empathetic, men who are sober and found each other on a most needed of days. The pictures of his wife just about made us cry a river, but we sucked it back up in time. These men know my father, and all his friends, and I had felt so alone, unable to talk with peoe who knew him in an honest way. Active Addicts defend each other, don't want the whole truth. So by doing something I thought I didn't have time for, I was touched by the Infinite.

I said I wanted to share what life is like now, and I just left the cafe.

Love is my God and service is my religion, the whole point of my life is inspiration, and today my life has purpose and meaning.

[jifmoc]

Weaver, I'm not too easily impressed but I am w/ you. You articulate yourself in a very unique way, what a shame if that talent was to be wasted under the weight of addiction. So glad it wasn't.

You have such a clear head on your shoulders, there's nothing to add. Except, I look forward to hearing more of your wisdom in the future:)

Jill

[weaver71]

Thank you all, from those considering quitting to those with many years. Thank you for being here. I have taken a break from Medhelp and I miss so many of you. There is a time and a place for every purpose under the sun. The time I have been away I have really been working on repairing the things that years of addiction left in its wake. I still have some work to do, it will never be finished. When I had my bipolar psychotic break at 14 months, that was overwhelmingly disappointing. Those who know me understand the understatement. I thought that last respiratory arrest on methadone was my bottom, but I didn't really hit bottom until one of the things I was self medicating resurfaced full tilt. Over a year off opiates and I felt worse than I ever had in my life. I suppose I was lucky I realized that methadone would kill me fast if I used again. Good thing I had accountability and new coping skills for I would likely be dead today. My therapist was amazed I was able to quit high dose methadone without inpatient and a team of doctors, I guess I am the only bipolar 1 she has worked with who avoided being hospitalized in mania in my situation. I did go to jail, I got drunk, I lost my mind and memory. I forgot I had a family, a house, I was lost inside my mind before I even drank. I don't even remember starting to drink to this day. I felt cursed for awhile after that.

I didn't take my DOC though, opiate, I had drilled it in my head, that was not an option even in a mania black out. I have taken alcohol off my list of MO options now, not even a sip this last year. I share this to express the importance of diligence, and a strong aftercare program. I also didn't title this 3 years clean, but 3 years off methadone. I am far from perfect, so neither is my recovery. It has been phases and stages.

I had to change my Modus Operandi, which I had already started doing with opiate, but realized I had to change everything, every last thing in my life is different today. That is why I have had to take a break from medhelp. I had become addicted and co-dependent on this web site, it often felt like all I had, which was a delusion. It began to consume me, much like drugs did. An addict can be addicted to anything. I suppose it became too much of a good thing. When I have time, I will reconnect with those I know and meet some of the new folks. This is a wonderful place full of wonderful souls.

I truly have found bipolar/addiction remission, it may be temporary, I don't really know or care, I'll take it. Between CBT, AA, psychotherapy, physical therapy, college classes on addiction, nutrient therapy, meditation, and the list goes on, I continue to sculpt this thing I call my life. I tried every thing available to me that was suggested. A sculpture starts as a solid, shapeless mass, shave away the negative space, and the work of art comes to life in a beautiful form that was merely hidden beneath the surface.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Tony  congrats on 3 yrs  my how time flys  im so happy for you I remember just how broken you where when you first came to medhelp  today your a pillar of our community  your advise is outstanding you have really worked on your recovery over the last 3 yrs and it shows  thank you for being part of my recovery...today you will be challenged .... life on lifes terms I will pray for you and your dad and that your dad can do like you and put the booze down wile he is still alive ...all that you learned will be put into play today your a good son for reaching out  even into a life that sounds like a train wreck...it is your gift of compassion that shines threw today  may god bless you abundantly your friend Mark

[meegWpaw]

"I am officially instinctively handling situations that used to baffle me "

WOW.  wow!  this entire post is beautiful T., but that line stood out.  You are so awesome!!!!!  You are the total amazing bombinest!!!!!  Yay Weaver I am so happy for you, proud of you, honored and glad to know you.  You have worked SO HARD on your recovery and daim it has sure paid off!  I love what you have to say and the honesty and bravery of all your struggles.  I really relate to you in so many ways and I admire you as well.  Thank you for this post and for all of your unflagging support over the past couple years.  You have a good heart and you have helped so many.  Congratufreakinlations!!!!!  Three effin years!!!!! outtasight man way to go!

always your friend,

Meegy

[Yesidid]

I don't know what you do for a living but you are among the brightest minds here and I always sort of imagined you as a counselor. As you celebrate your sobriety and share your pain today, you continue to inspire and save lives. Thank you Weaver.

[10356]

Congrats Weaver on your 3 years ! I feel so Happy for you for your Family. although the news of your Father is depressing in and of itself and I'm very sorry to read it but I will be saying a prayer that he takes the hand that is so Courageously being offered.. I pray he accepts and surrenders Just as his Son had to do 3 years ago. You have worked hard in your recovery and it shows ! Keep loving keep caring and keep being the Awesome Guy you are Weaver.. warmly, lesa

[msdelight]

Sorry to hear this. Hope you remain strong and the pain is not too bad. A lot of the past haunts me now that she's gone. She chose the booze. Over me and all else. Quite traumatizing for me. Guess these feelings need to work themselves through.  No drugs for me either. Got to try and move on. Hope you are ok.

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Also, best of thoughts and prayers for you, your dad, and your family during your trails. God bless and keep you.

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Thank you for this post. I woke up this morning ( day 15 ) and was really having a weak moment. Strange how God takes care of us. Between reading a little more of step 1 in the NA book, reading your post, and listening to Charles Stanley preaching this morning about surrendering our troubles to God, pretty much just took care of me fast. Never doubt that your post means something. It does. Thank you. God bless.