37 days and a cpl things I want to share

[ScarrieAnne]

Ok, I thought I would post some advice my therapist gave me to help anyone out there that is just starting detox and may be struggling, her words of wisdom have helped me, and it gave me a new perspective on some things. When I first went to see her I was really struggling with my insomnia, I felt like I was going insane, I barely trusted my driving it got so bad. She know about my anxiety surrounding that. It was a simple thing she said, but even to this day it has helped. she said instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling worrying about not sleeping, just think of the worst thing that could happen. You are not going to die, and eventually your body will rest and you may be sleepy and uncomfortable the next day, but Im sure you have been sleepy and uncomfortable before. I think of this anytime I don't sleep, and she is right. Secondly, Addicts tend to think they are their best selves when using (I am speaking of pills , benzos, pain pills, not sure about the harder stuff because its been years since I did any of those) I used to think I was my best self on all of those, benzos made me relax and be more sociable, but in reality I was wasted and everyone around me knew it. Pain pills and suboxone gave me major energy to get everything done, but my OCD was rampant and I was scattered, and I cleaned like a crazy person, so much so that my friends would comment, wow carries OCD is really kicking in today. At the time I couldn't see it, I thought I was kicking a**. I also thought I couldn't live without the subs for a long time, like how am I going to get all this stuff done, raise my child , manage the house and finances, and I would feel overwhelmed. What I want to say being over a month out, is that is our addiction was/is lying to us. I can and you can live without altering yourself. My personality is so much more laid back , like it used to be before all of this started, I have interests again, and some of that stuff I was always doing, I let it go. I don't have as much energy yet, and maybe never will, but you are your BEST when you are yourself, unaltered. So don't be scared of the same things I was, it comes back, slowly, but surely. I am no longer as angry, depressed, anxious,  I used to rage about stupid things, and Ive since realized that Suboxone was exacerbating all of those things. So if you are just starting out or are in the midst of it, remember you were a vibrant person once and you will be again. Okay, I had these thoughts and just had to get them out, I hope it helps someone see things from a different perspective. One last note, I did not write this to people that have serious chronic pain issues that they may have for years to come, in that case you have to do what you have to do for your quality of life. Have a great day everyone! XOXOXO C.

[ScarrieAnne]

I will and I would love to hear them, I have not traveled as you have, I have been in the bubble that is America. I think travelling in the future to help those in so much need will be a cathartic  and eye opening experience for me, but I can always start at home, we live in a pretty poverty (not 3rd world) stricken area, without many resources for those that need them, Drugs of every kind are rampant here as we are on the I-10 corridor and live in a Port city and it makes me want to help, along with getting information out there about Bupe. We are extremely lucky and I thank the Universe every day.There is a reason I am clean and have clarity at this moment in time! XX.C.

[weaver71]

One thing about going manic and traveling to some of the most war torn and poverty stricken places on earth has taught me, I got it easy. I may perceive it as hard at times, but my life is better than most of the world's population. Watching a person starve for lack of less than a dollar or die from a simple infection that $50 could heal was intense for me. I may not HAVE it all, but I do have opportunity. When the cops kicked my ribs to wake me, while sleeping across from the king's palace in Bangkok, I sat up and looked at the fear of all those who live there full time. When I had a 14 year old hold an M16 to my head and other young men searched me, I could see the terror in the Mayan eyes cast down. When the man with all his toes and half his hands rotted off from gangrene in India, his family and I stroked his back as he fell into tears, trying to serve us chai with half of his hands gone and rotting. Those people are real victims of injustice and corruption, most of what I feel as unfair is how those people are treated. It's also unfair that I have so many choices, when they are dying and can't get what will save their lives, even though they know what it is and it isn't very expensive. I have many stories and memories of truly horrible scenes.

We can choose to quit drugs, get help, we have endless resources to achieve a good healthy life. It is primarily our thinking that is sick in the West. Heck, I remember going to a nursing home on Easter. Woman were begging and wailing to let them die, many had outlived everyone they loved and had no reason to go on. The nurses gave them iv and force fed them, we in the West, aren't even allowed to die if we want to, it has to be an 'accident.' That tells you how easy we have it physically. Anyway, if you need some more stories to help you remember how much opportunity we have, even if we haven't taken those opportunities, let me know.

"I feel for the West, they have the greatest poverty on earth, spiritual poverty." Mother Theresa

[ScarrieAnne]

Great anecdote Weaver, this will help me put this all in perspective. I always think of the homeless with no food, shelter, proper clothing, and a lot of times mental illness, so between your story and mine, I have absolutely nothing to b**** about! I, too , feel like a spoiled baby, especially that first month. I often think of people going through this in the prison system, and I couldn't even imagine. Middle America has no idea how good we have it. Whenever I want to complain, which is getting less and less, I am going to re-read this post! XOXO. C

[ScarrieAnne]

Me too, Gunner. I always thought I needed the pills for my anxiety, but the pills were causing it. Now, I have some mild symptoms of that but nothing I cant handle, it seems to get better and better. Like you my OCD was out of control, and I don't seem to struggle with that any longer. Yes I want a clean house, but sometimes I just say eff it and I never could before. Kudos to you for staying clean! XOXO, C.

[ScarrieAnne]

Thank you Lilly and Im happy to hear you are well.I realized a cpl weeks ago that I can only focus on today, I have a propensity  to worry about the future. Now, I focus on today, I cant change tomorrow. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn, and I know this is temporary, the worst part for me is over. I have a hard time dealing with the physical stuff. Mentally I am much stronger as I have dealt with anxiety and depression since childhood, so Im a pro at that part, lol! Now if I can just regain a little energy, Ill be golden! XOXO. C

[ScarrieAnne]

You are totally right! I was a raging b**** all of the time too, and am now starting to get things done from start to finish, without getting sidetracked. When I get a lot accomplished in a day, that to me, is the ultimate reward. I can sleep easier and it just proves I can do the same things if not better while clean. I have a very close friend that is struggling to get off subs, she hasn't made the leap yet, but she sleeps all day and does nothing in her house, it is literally like the show hoarders. I called her at 1230pm yesterday and I woke her up. I wish she could read my post and believe it! It just takes time and patience to realize these things. I used to not play with my daughter at times because I was scrubbing the bathroom or the floor, talk about my priorities being all askew! Thanks for your input! XOXO C.

[weaver71]

That's great advice. I learned this living in Guatemala. I would hear the neighbors get home after church at 1am and they would be up grinding corn at 4. The Maya will sleep a few minutes here and there throughout the day and still work 12 hours, take care of the house and kids, and most Maya have a service commitment to a community member and never miss a day of church, 7 days a week. I started to watch and see where they slept, because I could tell it was not at home. You know all those photos you see of a guy sleeping on the sidewalk with a sombrero blocking the light on their face? The fact that many indigenous don't sleep much is a big reason so many photos exist. Though my Maya neighbors slept 1-4 hours every 24 hrs, nobody died or went crazy. Our bodies are amazing, they want to live, even when we abuse them they try their hardest to heal and keep going.

When I slept an hour or less a night for 21 days, I used to think of all the people working so hard on so little sleep, just so Americans could get their $3 Antigua Guatemala roast of coffee each day. They would pick coffee, going up and down rugged mountains with 120 lbs of coffee on their backs. No complaining, no sleeping, no material wealth, corn and beans only for food, and they can't even afford to drink the kind of coffee they pick. They did all that work for $1.60 a day on less than 4 hrs of sleep their entire lives. I figured that was proof I was being a wimp and not dying or losing my mind.

Great advice she gave you, anticipation and fear cause as many symptoms as the drug itself.

[Gunner817]

Ya I agree I get more done now that I'm clean. Work is better I get more done I workout and diet better now, more sociable. Where on pills I just focused on my pills and ya I got a lot done on the pills but I could only do stuff for 5 or 6 hours before I was thinking okay my pills now. I was OCD on hydrocodien to I was always checking my truck and stuff make sure the doors were locked like 3 times. I have anxiety to really bad actually and it just sprung up 2 years ago if that when I quit the pills my anxiety went way down, no joke.

[Lilly1955]

Nice share. Am glad to hear you are doing better. What helps the most is to believe that people do feel better in time. It may seem that the anguish one goes through will last forever. For me going to NA meetings and seeing smiling, productive, happy people who were once living a nightmare similar to mine recovering; slowly but surely gave me the strength and hope to work on my own recovery and not give up. Keep it simple, one day at a time and before you know it you will feel better.

[motye51]

I read this earlier and wanted to leave my 2 sense....
I took opiates and subs for the exact same reasons...4 kids, work, pta mtgs, insanely clean house, manicured lawn, blah, blah, etc.... I was running myself ragged....like running in 20 different directions but really not accomplishing anything! I can see it with my husband (who is still taking subs)...by the middle of the day hes useless! Running in a million different directions, but USELESS directions! Ignoring whats truly important and driving himself crazy!!!
I dont feel that energy "surge" that the drugs gave me before, but i can honestly say i get more accomplished now then ever before! People want to be around me again now that im clean, b/c im not such a raging ***** all the time!! Your addiction counselor seems to know what shes talking about....good choice!