42 days clean and stumbling again

hi all. i have been lurking and reading and contemplating. i have made it 40+ days without pills and i used to do a lot of them. they made me function - at the end there was no high to be gained - just took them to function. i dont want to go through this cycle again ever but am having post surgical pain that nothing is helping. so hence, my conumndrum....what do i do to function? aside from the pain there are my family dynamic issues. i was married for 17 years until about 2 years ago when i made the husband leave. i have two teeneagers at home - 16 year old boy and 15 year old girl. i was always here for them even through my using. fast forward to 18 months ago when i met a man who i have been seeing since - he is wonderful in every way except that he has his own home on the other side of town and wants me there constantly. my mom lives right across the street and can be here for them if i spend a couple -few nites a week with my guy. problem  - my daughter resents me being away and he resent me not being there with him.  at the moment his car is unavailable - he got a dui 12 months ago. he stopped drinking and is not a pill user - there are many things i love about him but i cant handle the pressure of not being ablt to be there for everyone. essentially he counts on me to drive us everywhere. he always pays for everythng. he is an engineer - wealthy family - no money issues at all but he is recently laid off and has too much time on his hands - so really expects me to be there after work etc, to help fill his empty days,but i have kids at home thayt need me and i cant be with him all the time.  between the pressures of not being able to manage my time to keep ebery one happy well working full time and trying to pay all my own bills ( no child support from useless ex) and no - i do not depend on my guy to pay for any of my bills - thats my responsibilty - thats not the issue but just part of the picture you know. i guess my point is that with my current emotional state and the pain i am having i constantly think i could it better with the pills - more energy - you know - to be in all the places i need to be everyday. since my surgery was on my ankle ( had a bone removed and a tendon reattached) the pain is constant becasue it involves walking! the most essential thing we do everyday.  how do i manage all the responsibilities - keep everyine else happy and still function??? what is my answer- i am so confused and worried that i will go back to drugs - those of you who helped me get to the 40+ days know what i went thru and how my biggest issue has been the cravings and the mental part. i just wanted to explain why the mental part has such a hold on me.  all responses and advice are appreciated and needed now!  i could not have gotten here without you all and i need you now more than ever!  Love Vikki

[GoingToMakeIt]

42 Days is great. I am confused though. Did you actually stumble and use again? Or are you just considering it?
     Either way, this is why aftercare is stressed here so much. You will be tempted for a long time. Maybe the rest of your life. There are called addicting for a reason. They change your desires, your chemical and emotional makeup. They change how we view life and what we do to cope. Try dropping in on an NA meeting or an AA meeting. See if it fits for you.

Stay connected here too. We want to see you get through this hurdle. Know this too, there will be other hurdles. also at 42 days, your body is still using all the 'tricks' it can to get a 'fix'. This includes making you hurt, so you'll use. It includes making you feel that you just can't function without them. Read up on the 3 parts to PAWS, in the Health Pages. http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/list?cid=66

[Cantdothisanymore]

no - havent stumbles yet but thinking about it.

[Newlife58]

All The people are old enough to survie with a little less you and you need to keep yourself going in the right direction. Ask them for a little help Im sure you deserve it.
You can only be good for them if you take care of yourself first. 42 days shows you are serious about getting your life back as they say minute by minute day by day is the only way.

[dominosarah]

Your responsibility lies with you right now.  Make you the No 1 priority.  Your mind is playing some major games with you, including the pain.  I am not saying your pain isnt real but we can magnify it in our brain.  You are setting yourself up here girl.  Your kids are at that age where they really need you around. Aftercare is something you should really check into.  Using was only a symptom of your addiction.  Make your clean time the most sacred thing in your life and protect it with your life.  Is your bf in any type of recovery care?  Is there a reason why he cant come to your house?  It is NOT your responsibility to tote him around.  You have come this far......dont cave.  You have the power to stop the chaos in your life right now........sara

[jstntime]

Hey you,

We sure share some similarities, let me tell you.  I too have some crazy things going on and real pain as well.  EVERY single time I have relapsed, I have done so because the pain became too much.

As above have mentioned, you got here 1 day at a time.  The only way to add another clean one is to make it through today.  

You HAVE come so far and you HAVE suffered greatly.  If you use again, once those 42 days have been reset, it is very very easy to take the next dose.  It's the WTF factor.  Please think about this.  You won't be judged either way but I am still very much pulling for you.

bob

[Htownnofrown]

I don't know if you've been going to NA yet bit if you haven't you really should. Adressing the mental part is what they do.

[buzzhorn1]

Please don't relapse.  Everyone on this list is important to me in a personal way.  I like to think of everyone here as helping me and of myself as helping them in some way.  I am only two days clean and want to live a long time and have all that time clean.  You may not know it but you are an incredible inspiration to me, it makes me believe it is possible to break the cycle.

It sounds like you are having serious pain issues along with life frustration.  The pain might be helped by percogesic(?) a really strong over the counter thing.  A migraine sufferer told me about it.  Our local CVS is the only place I've ever found it.  The mental support we just need love and help.  I haven't been to NA yet but if it's anything like this list it's a great loving community.

When I was young I wouldn't have believed what h@ll life can be.  Now that I'm an adult I think I started using to dull the pain of the h@ll in my life.  It's irresponsible to do that and I know that now.

We're praying for you!

[gnarly_1]

Hey Vikki...im so impressed with your honesty in your posts when your struggling its one of the quality's you have that tells me you will make it....our secrets keep us sick...you have been given a lot of good advise already...I just want to encourage you to keep pushing threw the pain...both the physical  and emotional ...remember a relapse often starts days ahead of time but stuff that our mind is telling us...one red flag I see is you craving the energy the pills once gave you....like Sara says your setting yourself up here...you need to remember just what it was like living in full blown active addiction ..not just the ""good feeling"' the pills once gave you....I also agree with the others about aftercare...a meeting would be good for you right now   it is dangerous anytime we romance the high and you will learn how to deal with the triggers and cravings in N/A you have came so far and I have watched you struggle and fight to get where you are dont give in...I to suffer with Cronic (chronic) pain from a bad back...pain is a HUGE trigger for me...I know I can never take narcotics again...I will start chasing the high as soon as I open the bottle...so now I take 800mg ibuprofine...it takes the edge off..do I think about the pills when my back is thrown out.....you betcha but I know where it will lead and I no longer go there...this is truly a battle one or lost in ones own mind... you have got 42 days invested in your sobriety ..invest a few hours in aftercare and make this whole process a lot more doable for yourself ..you have already proved you can do it...nows the time to start enjoying the fruits of your labor aftercare is the answer your looking for.....good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    

[DavidY10]

You don't have to be superwoman, especially since you must use to become superwoman. I talked to my psychologist a lot about assertiveness and it sounds to me like you need to let your bf understand that your kids are important to you and you need to spend time at the house with them. Nobody can make everyone happy all the time, don't let your mind trick you into thinking you can do it if only you used.

[Dav125]

Hey Cantdoit,,Vikki :). Finally got a name! Why does it have a hold? Well, combination of things. Part of it is our age. If I were to compare me to you and what I experienced in my late 40's its kinda like this. Energy levels naturally start to decrease. I noticed that things started to change at around 45 where I noticed I didn't have the stamina that I was accustom to. Thats been hard to swallow. And, these meds did seem to give us a boost early on so they somewhat masked the normal age progression and had us back at a level that we had been accustom to for years..In that confusion of thought, I hear you struggling with this lack of energy and that little voice in the back of your mind saying "take a pill" , it will fix the problem. I guess what I'm driving at is some of the slowdown your feeling is natural. And it needs to be looked at in that context. We are on a downslope of sorts so its ok to be tired, and its ok to draw the line as to what you can do and what you can't. And the pill is not going to fix anything.It will only delay accepting and adjusting to the new limits we have on our energy level as we age further. Mid 40's really does seem to be that line. My eyes started going right about this same time. With all this said, part of the delimma stems from still thinking about the pills. A hard thing to shake but something that has to be let go of. So turn those thoughts of yours around, reinforce those other thoughts that say you don't want to have to go thru this mental exercise ever again, and say goodbye to the routine and pills that was part of your life there for awhile. Do it over and over again if thats what it takes until you get tired of it. And eventually that thought will not be part of your every waking moment. Your 40 plus days in..You've got those days to be proud of along with making you well down the road to leaving them behind..Frustration is your friend right now. Direct it at the pills and say "no more"..Spin the thoughts around. I know you can do it :)...David

[Cantdothisanymore]

i read your notes and I know that you are all correct. I HAVE got to stop thinking that pills are the answer.  i know im the smart part of my brain ( what i have left anyway :)  that time will heal me ad make me better - i am just afraid of not getting there. I actually feel like beng honest with my strugglles here makes me unworthy to even be here. like my stupid thinking will hurt someone here and i dont want that at all. i wish with all my heart that we could all leave these drugs behind and i dont ever want to confuse someone by typing here what i feel but i have nowhere else to go with it you know?  I have not given in yet and dont "plan" to but i am so afraid i will fail.  thanks so much for helping me to work through this. X0X0 Vikki

[laurel453]

Vikki, please, don't beat yourself more... this is your place to come with whatever you are going through, don't hesitate, we are here for you, ok ? :)

those fears feed your anxiety and your anxiety feeds those fears so it becomes a circle you have to break but don't worry, you can do it, sure !

as there is no turning back to the pills... maybe you could find better answers to the present situation not going back to the past but thinking on your present and how you could feel better about it ? there is no need to be a superwoman so if you are going through pain and problems that you seem unable to cope, ask for help to the people you have around. Tell them you can simply can not do everything.....and that you need to rest every day after work because of your ankle.