5 Days Down Without Hydrocodone

[ImNotAJetBike]

So, after a long period of telling myself I was in control, lying to myself and the world that I was happy and fine, and hiding behind a mask of Hydrocodone-induced bravery, I came out as an addict this past week to everyone around me, both offline and online. I just...got tired of being a slave to prescription refill dates and being in a perpetual state of mentally feeling nothing and feeling physically awful from the Hydrocodone.

I was prescribed Hydrocodone for headaches caused from glaucoma as well as neck injuries I've sustained over the years. While I did take them for those purposes however, I also began abusing them to hide from the stress and depression I've had to deal with over the last three years, both from having lost both of my parents in a very small period of time, as well as dealing with the difficulties involved with being a trans-person in transition.

The scary part, I guess, is that nobody had a clue. When you think of an "addict," we're often drawn to awful and irredeemable caricatures and Hollywood celebrities and musicians who waste themselves away in the public eye. I've found through the years that the truth is many of us suffer in private, afraid to say anything because those awful caricatures and celebrity deaths are what most people want to paint us as. The truth is that we're normal people who've suffered intense moments of weakness and made mistakes, most likely due to painful situations. Hurt can't be healed by inflicting more hurt, and I wish society and the health system paid more attention to mental health issues.

I'm now five days into Hydrocodone withdrawal. Cold turkey. I feel the worst part of it is behind me. I'm sleeping well again, I'm finding energy where I had none before, and I'm starting to believe I can actually break free this time. I'm still afraid of the weeks and months to come and the stress and depression they'll bring with them now that I no longer have that crutch. I don't know where the path goes from here, truthfully. I just know that I will not allow addiction to be a part of it.

[ImNotAJetBike]

I think the only part I'm really worried about right now is aftercare. I live in a pretty small area, don't have a mode of transportation of my own (due to vision issues), and well...the area I live in isn't really equipped to handle many mental health issues, nor does anybody seem to take them very seriously. I feel at the moment, my only real "aftercare" can come from my support system of friends, online and offline, who have all been pretty supportive.

That said, the sixth day has been pretty chill. It's kind of hard to believe how good I'm actually feeling, given some of the horror stories I've read here prior to posting. I almost feel guilty feeling as good as I do when I know so many others are struggling much harder.

I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday. I'm going to go over all of this with him as well as trying to push for more help as it relates to my depression, anxiety, and stress since those are the key factors that led me to abuse. With the Hydrocodone, I was merely blocking out those symptoms and not directly attacking the causes of the real issues I have. He's always been a kind and understanding doctor, so I'm hoping he can maybe go a few extra miles to help me out more.

[Ldytaz]

Wow..awesome post,,congrats on taking your life back.u have come to the right place for online support.We r all here for different and the same reason.We have become powerless to our addictions.I too got into pain meds for the pain.but,being an addict it took over my life.I am 4 days down now from a methadone taper jump.it is the hardest thing I ever did.I commend u for going right at the heart of it and getting off the pills.Keep going and seek some aftercare.We all think we can but,I always believe that having that one thing outside of family and friends,whether it be meetings or something else,is a very good thing to have.Welcome to our lil community.

[Amandag78]

Hey there. Congratulations on day 5 : )
This is a really nice, honest post !!!
I prey you will get by with not too many issues in the coming months.
Its nice you have come out and told people of your addiction. This should cause less anxt on your part as well as less stress.
And hopefully everyone can support you 100%, now they know.
Good for you and i wish you well on your journey. Take care : )