6 years on narcs, relapsed over 10 times, oxycontin, pecoset, vicodine,

Question

iv been takin narcs since i was 16 so abt 6 years now, i quit but i relapsed so many times, that it makes me feel that im such a weak person, even tho im not , im mentaly tough, im a responsable person, pepole have always come to me for help in everyday **** , pepole take my opinion, i haelped so many people from drug problems to family problems.... i work very long hours and a very hard job , and im realy realy good at what i do, what i dont seem to understand how can somone so strong mentaly emotianly and phisiscaly be so fukin weak when it comes down to drugss ? i can quit anytime i want , i can deal with phisical pain, i can hide it from family and work no problem... but i relapse every single time , sometimes i last a month and i wonce lasted abt 10 month. i dont like to admit that im an adict some of my friends kno that i was adicted at some point few years ago but they think that i only use ocasonly ever since, i dont want to get help bc i dont need it, im quittin today and like everytime i say its for good but a few month later i start takin pills once a week next thing u kno im relapsing and im bak to 50 mg day or somtimes 100 mg per day, recently i was on oxys abt 100 mg a day for abt a year, 5 month ago i stoped cold turkey for 30 days clean then went bak to abt 30 mg a day for 2 month then i stoped for 3 weeks then for a month and half iv been on oxys sometime 80 a day and the last ten days iv been on percosets abt 25 mg a day , and everytime it seems that drugs find their way to me, like after a week clean i had new years party and i was still a little sik and i wanted to have fun so i used again that night and the day after bc i had work i didnt want to crash at work and it kinda took off from there and everytime its something similar, one time its a big family diner that i dont want to be quiet and a little sik i wanted to be myself, one time its a date where i didnt want to go there on my 5th day if withdrawl with the girl and feel sick, one time its an important meeting where i have to talk infront of ppl for hours and i ffelt i could do it bc i was on my 5th day of withdrawl its always somting like that, i would like to read some replies at least it makes me feel like somone give a **** give me your opinion, in my society and life style i cant realy talk abt my drug problem with anyone so i came here to this site by mistake i thought ill post and see what people have to say , thanx - mike

joe123456 · Answer

hey guys its been a couple of weeks i havnt posted , but finnaly sat i maned up and i did it, i have been clean since sunday , 4 days now and im already starting to feel a bit like human again, still not all there but finaly after a month of struggle i did it , i just hope it will last this time, i think it will, because on sunday morning i got like 10 percosets just to help me with my withdrawls for the first 4 days and i still have all of them i didnt take not one which is a good sign, its the first time in my life where i had accesss to pills they were actualy in my pocket but i didnt take em. so thanx for all the help ill post again sometime to let u guys kno how im doin

joe123456 · Answer

thank u

Ms_Punky_Doodle · Answer

Hey no big deal that is what we do what we do. Its not failure it is addiction. Insanity - repeating the same action and expecting different results. Sometimes it takes a bigger hammer. With that I mean if you have your job, your friends and your respect from others you may have to lose it to realize how important finding another way to make it thru the day. Four days will not change what caused you to start using in the first place. Its deeper than the w/d, it is something else you are trying to numb out. Thats why everybody says " Talk to somebody" you  may never figure out the entire reasons and what fors but it somehow gets you past yourself. When we are active in out addiction we are quite self centered. AA/NA teaches us to help others and somehow that helps us to feel whole without drugs or alcohol. Some of us never get it. But it is all a process that is why they say "Keep coming back" It means don't give up on yourself. Dont keep yourself down. You will lose it all, end up in jail, or die or maybe you will just stay miserable for ever. I pray that you will try something different,cause the cold turkey thing aint working. I mean the very best with everything I say. I have a 27 year old daughter that I taught all the wrong things to and now she hates the sound of my voice or that is how I feel. But I didnt know any other way when she was a child. Dont wait till you pass it on. Be open minded and remember you can learn from ppl who have been there and done that. Dont close up and say well they didnt live their life right who are they to tell me. You must be feeling some pain from your situation or you wouldn't be here. But I found pain is a way to let you know something aint right. I know the wonderful euphoria brought on by narcotics. I use to be a heroin addict. I dont want to ever go back to that hell hole. But keep talking to ppl and you will find a solution to your problem. There will be something that sticks out and you decide that is for you. Just dont give up. I have been without smoking for 2 years the 31st of this month. I did it with Chantix but I quit and I feel a million times better for that. But I had tried to quit a bunch of times but always started as soon as I bought another pack a smokes. I stopped this time. It was my time. ON the other problem dont wait till you lose your job or respect. The deeper you sink the longer it takes to get back up. You dont want to wait till nothing is left to lose. Sorry if I sound like I am preaching just an opportunity to say you can do and ppl care.

pharma9 · Answer

Mike...You have too much to lose to give up now.If that one pill or even half pill can get you through the day keep going.Dig deep within yourself and think of what will be if you quit.Many people have done it and worked and you can too.You are just as tough as anyone else.You cannot afford to lose your job and the week will be half over after today.Please,please do not give up before the day has even started and keep trying.It will get better.

sweatinit · Answer

Hey Mike, Hang in there buddy. You can and will do this. It's good you posted here. It will help you get and stay clean. I will continue to pray for you.

joe123456 · Answer

i just  couldnt do it , i have a crazy scedual at work today way too busy, and i felt like **** this morning i couldnt even get out of bed and i knew i wanst gona be able to do my work just by looking and the schedual and my job is very very phisical and its like 14 hour shift even normal ppl woth no withdrawls or nothing couldnt finish a day like this, and i felt realy sick this morning i went out and got an oc :( to get through the day and i already did half of it this morning , uhh i wish i could just take like 4 days off :( i feel like such a looser now even tho i feel good phisicaly and mentally obviously bc im high, but i feel realy guilty i thought i was gona be able to just go through the week witout anything and it will be over ... that just killed my motive for me , i guess i would have to start over again just hoping it would be slow at work for the rest of the week... :(

joe123456 · Answer

thanks for the replies, i too tried quiting cigarettes 5 times, would last about 2 weeks then my first dring or my first oxy im smokin like crazy, so i hope quitting one thing will help quiting the other, this time my job is on the line and some peoples trust in me is on the line, there is hight expectations which is good it will  make me not wanna *** up again because the loss this time will be bigger then evern, i have a good feeeling this time, i never before felt so dedicated so its gona work, well im gona make it work. thank u guys - mike -

Danny111 · Answer

Almost everyone here has been through or is still going through the same things you are.  You can't get yourself down about the fact that you've relapsed so many times.  Many of us have myself included.  During the wd's things feel so crappy that it's easy to resolve to never make yourself feel that way again.  It's after the wd's that the addiction tries to trick you into relapsing.  It seems that the obvious best answer is to seek some sort of after care.  NA or something similar.  It's free and anonymous.  Nobody needs to know.  

I think coming to this site is very helpful too.  Keep coming here and posting and reading posts.  Even if you slip up keep coming.  Sometimes it takes many tries to quit.  I'm on about my 15th.  I'm also five months into my 10 or 15th quitting smoking attempt.  You have to keep plugging.

avisg · Answer

Joe,
It's Time to do it differently this time .Have you ever gotten any recovery care like an addiction therapist or gone to aa/na because for long term sobriety it is so very important for you to do .

joe123456 · Answer

thank u , yea i already made up my mind, i want my life bak that i never really had... and i am not willing to live another day like this, looking for a high worying abt goin to sleep and waking up in the morning woring abt having enough pills for the week, worying abt being sick wen i run out, this life is not for me anymore i want to be the guy i was when i was 15 even tho i dont remember much abt back then, but sometimes what really inspires u is very simple its everyday people that you meet in life that have a normal life you can just look at them and you can tell that these people dont have a drug problem i just want to be normal, i just want to be like the people i see everyday, and this time there is no coming bak.

pharma9 · Answer

You have a lot going for you.You have a job,people who love you,are still young and with determination you can beat this drug habit.You have to make up your mind that you want the clean life more than the drug and you will do fine.Success is within yourself only.We can cheer you on,but only you can do this.Your mind has to be made up.
You can do it if you really want it and we will help you along.Keep posting and taking your vitamins and nutrients.

joe123456 · Answer

its 10 am, im at work its been almost 24 hrs since my last dose im holdin up pretty good, just a little cold and tired and out of energy but 9 more hours and im out of work im goin home to take a HOT shower :D and try to get some rest. i just gotta figure out how to kill the next 9 hours

sweatinit · Answer

Hey I will sent youan email. Check you inbox in a bit. I am working and will typed it up as soon as i am finished with what i am doing.

joe123456 · Answer

thanx again this is the only place i can talk abt this, so i will keep u posted, ill post throughout this week from my work computer to let u kno how its goin and i apreciate the fact that u care even tho u dont know me n u never met me so thanx, and how are u doin? are you clean or ur in the process ? and what were u on and how long if u dont mind me askin, if u have any questions for me feel free too, at the end i did clean up abt 7 times on my own once using suboxone the rest cold turkey, one time was from dope the rest oxys and perks, so t10x again

sweatinit · Answer

Mike, I hid it from everyone too. I thought like you that i owuld be judged or the "pitiful one". i started of  with my dad, than just this pass w/e my husband and sister. It will come in time. I still have the hurdle of my mom and that freaks me out. You can do this! Make usre you stay plugged in here. I promise it will help. I'm not gonna lie to you though, w/d is no fun, but worth it in the end. You're so young ad have so much to do in your life. Dont waste the years like i did on pills. Get to a meeting if you can. talk soon.

joe123456 · Answer

i just took my last dose at work 15 mg of percoset, i hope it will b my last, and i want to start off clean tomorow, hopefully there wont be no coming bak this time, im just a little worried abt the withdrawls even tho i dealt with it so many times it still gives me she shivers just thinkin abt it, it sux bc i have to work , and its realy cold where i leave and im in and out all day plus u kno the symptoms how bad they are especially in cold weather , u feel like the cold is just inside ur bones, so that i will have to deal with, and i really want to end it this time, i wanna get my life bak, well the life i never really had, iv been high for almost 6 years now, i just want to wake up like a normal person i just would lov to feel normal, enegetic, not have to wory abt bein sik the next day and falin asleep behind the wheel and runnin out of pills and all that ****, i dun need this in my life anymore, i just ask to be normal thats all, i wish i was never involved in this ever, but i did and im here today and im responsible for it so i have to deal with it. any advice to help with the withdrawls and the cold and the lack of energy for the next few days ? 
i wish i had somone i can tell all this stuff to instead of typin it here, but... i mean i have a lot of ppl that would do anything for me but i just dont see myself talkin abt my drug problem with them, its just im from a diffrent bakground and drugs and adiction are not sumtin u wanna talk abt if u were me, or mabe its just me i dont like to tell ppl it makes me feel weak plus i dunt want anyone to feel bad for me it makes me even more weak and i feel that ppl will look at me diffrently if they knew abt my problem, iv been hiding it from friends and gfs and family and employers sucesfully for 6 years, but this will come to an end, any advice to help me do it right this time any question please post , thank u miss punky and sweatinit

Ms_Punky_Doodle · Answer

Been in your shoes so many times. Every time I failed I would have some more shame and guilt in my life. Doing drugs was what I knew the most about. I hid from the people that cared the most. I did the opiates cause I liked the way they made me feel. But they will take your dreams, your everything and leave you empty. You will need to get some support from someone that has been there or someone you trust. It sounds like you they help you to feel normal or give you that sense of security. They made me feel as though I could talk to anybody. Find out what really sets you off. Find some thing to take the place of the pills. I hate to see anybody lose their way to dope, it is all dope no matter what you use. Good Luck and find somebody to talk to. Carol

sweatinit · Answer

Hey Mike, Glad you found this site. Man your story sounds like the rest of ours. Varying only slightly. I feel so bad about myself, because I too thought i was like a rock. I controlled everything in my life and on the outside, I am the one that has it all together. If you have a few mins, read the article on Dopamine in the health pages (link to the right). It really helped me understand why 1. one is too much and two are never enough and 2. It's a brain chemical thing. Now with that said I do have to take some responsiblity for it. So i made the decision to stop once and for all. I know that I can not. under ANY circumstamces, take even one. Tehre will always be situations that will take us back if we allow them. Stay strong and keep posting here. I would not have made it w/out the help of these folks here. Everyone keeps each focused and on track. hang in there buddy.