8 yr norco addict alone,afraid,and desperate to stop...

Hello,In 9 years this is my 1st time ever so much as typing my deep dark ugly addiction secret to ANYONE(other then Dr.'s). I am a parent to a child under 12 and have been addicted to norco 10/325's for 9 years.What started w/ around 4-10 pills a day quickly progressed to a very scheduled and steady( have never ever ran out or truly wd'd in 9 years!) is now 30 to over 35 pills a day.And no, that is not a typo or over dramatization.I have easily taken 20+ pills a day for at least the last 3 years w/ little to no serious health affects only zero social interest,feeling like crap EVERYDAY,and hating myself more then anyone in my life could possibly if they ever knew.Yet none of this hate is enough to even have had me TRY to stop EVER in 8 years! What does that say about me and my character???!! I hate my life,I hate myself,I cannot stand what I am doing and risking to my child by being addicted,yet NONE of the above has ever been enough to even TRY and stop.I have gone to countless therapists and doctors over the years,and they are the only ones I am honest w/ abt my problem (thank god for confidentiality). Yet no matter what  plan we set and place,when D day comes I stop going and pretend there never was a plan.Months sometimes years pass and then I reach out again only to stop before I ever start the real procces of WD or weaning.I have never made it past the 'reaching out' phase.What makes this extra challenging is that NO ONE has EVER caught me/found out to this day.I have not run out of money/resources,and no matter how hard I have tried to talk myself into it I cannot even bear the thought of coming clean to anyone in my life and still don't feel that's an option! So here I am alone,in secret w/pills and money available.The scary health risk is so high now at 30+norcos a day,every day and I am praying that I can somehow hone in on that fear and guilt of what I am doing,how disgusting it is that I am risking my life and what it would do to my child and turn it into a REAL attempt and successful withdrawl (withdrawal) that leads to me burying this and never looking back! I am so afraid,and so ready to do this all in one breath.Is there ANYONE out there that feels like me? Since I will not be doing this with support can someone PLEASE tell me how to physically get thru this? I honestly believe I can get thru the "worst flu ever" first week part.This will sound crazy to most,but the part that I dread will keep me from succeeding is the Restless Leg creepy crawly feeling.For whatever reason that seems to be my big weakness and the part that keeps me immediately reaching for the pills to get rid of that not painful yet hair pulling sensation! I am ready to listen and praying that someone reads this and has the guidance I so desperately crave and cannot get because I am so alone and afraid! PLEASE HELP ME!PLEASE!

[Sonrissa]

Hi, and welcome! That is quite a story, and I bet it feels good to finally tell it right? I'm glad you found us! This is a wonderful support community and you will get tons of advice and encouragement! Most all of us have been where you are at! You are not alone! You are on a pretty high dose of Norcos. I assume you are not getting these from a doctor, correct? I would think that at that high of a daily dose the best thing would be to taper down to a low dose and then jump off! This will help your body gradually ease down and will help with the withdrawals! Is that possible? Do you have anyone close to you that you can confide in who will help you with a taper? In my opinion this would be your best option! Also there are things you can take and do that will ease the withdrawal symptoms! Please check out the Thomas Recipe, the link is at the bottom of the page for some great information!

You need to come up with a specific plan and then execute it! We can help you. Others will be along to offer additional advice and support! The bottom line is that you are not alone, you can end this nightmare, and get your life back! Please feel free to keep posting and ask any questions, or if you need some support! I wish you the very best! Take care!

[Alonenafraid]

Thank you for your reply.This is going to sound dumb but I started bawling the minute I stared reading your reply,so yes,it does feel good to get it off my chest!
And no I do not have anyone I would confide in and tell,for I am too ashamed.I do agree with you that tapering would be best and maybe if I can come up with a plan and be accountable,even if only to an annonymous forum I can actually do it and not just say I will "do it tomorrow" this time around...
Right now the moment I wake up I take 6 pills,then a steady flow of 6 to 7 pills at once every 3 hours on the dot ( I watch the clock as I feel the craving after 2-2 1/2 hrs) That amount literally ONLY keeps me feeling normal and rarely gives me any kind of euphoric/high feeling.When my child goes to sleep I amp up my last two sessions with 8 pills at once,followed by 2 more an hour later,and 3,4,or sometimes 6 more 2-3hrs later.Depending on the day sometimes I am easily able to go 4-5 hours between the day time always no less then 6pills at a time doses,while others are every 3 hours on the dot. I am providing these details in the hopes that by giving my schedule and doses someone can help me make up a weaning schedule that is fast enough to get a result and move forward before the little addict in me tells me to ignore it.Yet slow enough to do w/o suffering to point where I cannot work or function or be found out.I am really willing to give this a real try with all I have in me.I just don't know where and how to start considering my situation and that no one knows.
Note: I did get suboxone from doctor once a couple yrs ago..waited about 12 hours (as long as I could make it at the time,more metnally then physically) took it,felt great 1st 24hrs,and then was crawling on the floor convinced I was dying(puking,spinning,sweating,ect.) on day 2.It was so scary I started taking the norcos again until the dose was high enough to break the suboxone block.I guess you can say that's the only time I ever even tried.needless to say I don't think suboxone is an option,nor do I really wanna trade one addiction for another:-(
Thank you again for caring enough to write.It means A LOT!!

[Inner_peace]

You first need to know that there are so many very good options for detox...The amount your using is extremely detrimental to your Kidney's and liver. You will if you haven't already start having problems there and into our bladder. Your brain is taking a hit that will never heal and with your child at risk of you overdosing accidentally.
My friend taper ASAP from 6 in the morn to 5 for 2 days then to 4 for 3 days on your morn dose. And continue with the same taper down  every 4 instead of 3 hours. When you are clock watching meditate through to the next hour with Deepak Chopra he is on YouTube. Learn to breath and use positive affirmations to yourself about your great progress and strength.
I can see your biggest problem is self and guilt. The more you do this guilt manifesting the more depressed and dependent you will become.
You must give yourself positive reinforcement and look toward the ultimate outcome of clean living and life!!
Do not take 8 when baby goes to sleep...you are controlling your own mind and addiction with excuses to use more at that time!!
Stop it!!
If you truly want to get clean then taper down correctly and do it! Get it done and start living in peace so you can reach out to others in need .....your baby!
I highly recommend Vivitrol injection it will stop your cravings and help to heal your mind...
There are wonderful supplements  from Usana that will start repairing the damage you  have caused to your organs, heart and brain....
Sweetheart you can do this if you truly want to more then you want to use...
There is an amazing life after opiates ....one you can again be proud of.
Research Vivitrol I have amazing validation of its success.
Good luck and continue to reach out....now wrap your arms around yourself and tell yourself it's gonna be ok because you are taking your life back! Take control be positive and do it! Remember higher power is always there too...just open the door

[addictedmom37]

After reading your post I realize how truly weak my mind is. addiction is different for all of us but I assume you are like me & stumbled upon this sight. Although I have never taken as many pills a day as you I was up to 10 perks a day..70.00 habit..I have weaned myself down to just 2 pills a day. Like I said mornings for me are worse because thats my crutch for getting up & getting my motivation for getting my 3 sons up ready & out the door for school. inner_peace has given you some great advice..go with it..try it and see how it works..much love to you and message me anytime if you need to talk..from 1 addict to another what seems impossible to us right now is possible..I didnt think so but after finding this sight I see how far I have come in 2 weeks & I have faith that you can do it too!! Much love to ya!!

[toothfairie]

Hi and welcome!!  just wanted to lend my support!  i was taking 14+ Norco10 daily for years.....and other pain pills for many years before that....just want you to know you can do this!  just stick close to this site...and we can help you thru WDs....the first week is tough but it's very doable....like bad flu....just hang tough and you will see that light you have been searching for soon!  keep posting and if you have any questions, you are welcome to PM me....good luck!

[littlebit667]

The Thomas Recipe will help with the withdrawal process.  If you decide to try it...start about  a week before withdrawing.  You have said you have shared with your doctor.  Then share with them again and get some supportive meds (at your level you will need them).  My doctor helped me with that and it made all the difference the last time I withdrew and was in the middle of cold turkey (and the final time).  I will message you what helped me if you need suggestions.  You have got to get this under control...flatly said..your are digging your grave with these pills and you know it.  Your liver can only take so much poison and liver failure is far worse than withdrawals.  Tapering is one of the best ways to start.

We really can't give specific taper advice as a doctor needs to help with that, but a general rule is you drop a small amount wait a few days (about 4 or so) and drop again.  Having said that you have to be VERY organized to taper and make it work.  But it CAN be done.  There are others here that can help with giving you a knowledge base to make that decision.  

Finding out WHY you have let this go on for so long is my biggest concern.  I know I was just letting life flow by me and I WANTED to NOT feel.  I never really felt the euphoria that others talk about...it was just the NOT feeling that I was going for and succeeded for several years.  

Keeping the SECRET is what kept me hooked.  If no one knew then It was OK.  I told my medical doctor, my husband and my adult children.  It was no longer just my dirty little secret anymore.  I firmly believe that secrets make us sicker.  Was it hard?  It was the hardest thing I ever did and it was the best thing I ever did.  Everyone is different, but ultimately the secret will come out if you do not get help and stop.  

Keep posting as you will get the help you need.

[selfinduced]

Hi Afraid, I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, just want you to know your not alone. Most of us could have written your story, climbed out of that dark hole and here to help. Like you the fear of w/d kept me using for an extra year after I was determined to stop and guess what? The fear and selfimposed anxiety was far worse than once I did it. I know your hurting, mentally, spiritually and physically right now. Your a good person with a horrible addiction, but it can be controlled with some diligence and surrendering at the same time. Keep posting......prayers and support are on the way.

[Alonenafraid]

Wow,
The moment I went on this site today and read thru all of your amazing responses I started bawling like a baby! Not only because I now see that I am not alone but because so much of what is being typed is on the money! I feel so very disgusted and hateful towards myself for being addicted,and that hate/guilt is what keeps me using(alongside whatever other issues I am burying that got me here in the 1st place!).In addition to that I ,like another post do not want to FEEL anything,or deal with my life in anyway.I have a bad day "take another pill" I have a good day "take another pill" I have an hour to kill in traffic..."take another pill" Any detail of my life good bad,great,or boring,I "take another pill".And as I am guessing many of you,I convince myself every morning that "tomorrow I will stop.But I can't today because I have,blah blah blah going on".  Idk if "tomorrow" will actually be "tomorrow" this time.But that said,I am going to try with all my being to shut that inner voice of excuses out and start my taper "tomorrow" morning...I will make an appointment with a new addictions specialist Dr. for his/her 1st avail appt date. Till then considering I don't really expect to have too much physical discomfort during my slow taper I am not as worried about the phys WD';s at this moment.I am way more terrified with the mental aspect that has kept me from EVER getting to a real day 1..Reading the above post I am going to try and follow that schedule  and even go 2 less pills instead of one..My goal will be to wake up and take 4 pills every 4 hours instead of the usual 6 every 3 hours.I'm starting here because my gut is telling me I can go down to 4 and not physically feel WD's.If I'm wrong I'll adjust by either going to 4 every 3 hrs,or 5 every 4hrs.
Now,what should I be taking to prep and ease my body during the slow taper period?
I will be honest in saying I am so afraid that this is my usual M.O of hating myself and breaking down each night only to wake up and pop 6 pills in the morning as if last night's epiphany never happened,because like someone here said I too fear and cannot stand the pure fact that my child may wake up alone and scared to find their only parent dead.I thank you for that comments because I need to hear it.I need SOMETHING,ANYTHING that will finally stick and be enough to get me past this god awfull hell I am in!! Sadly I do know with %100 that if I came clean to my family it would be enough to get me clean completely and quickly.But no matter how many times I have played it out in my head,it simply isn't an option.Not because I am too ashamed (although I very much am) but because my family has been close to completely devastated by my sibling who is a heroin addict.Watching their devastation from his addiction and seeing that they are hanging on by a thread,and ironically getting all their emotional support over the matter from me,I just cannot be selfish and add even a drop more bad news into their lives.So here I am stuck and alone.Praying that something brought me to this site and somehow typing my annonymous secrets here will help.I just pray tomorrow I don't start the day pretending this didn't happen until it's 10 at night again and I hate myself.Please Help me..

[littlebit667]

Check the info out here:  http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/Thomas-Recipe-Re-Posted/show/16?cid=66

There are several things that will or should occur...the opiate trots being the most common.  Keep the Imodium (immodium) handy and use liberally for the first few days (when they begin).  Start the rest of the recipe immediately to help build up and support you while you withdraw.  Stock up on things that will be easy on your tummy but give you protein like boost, ensure, gatorade, soups, crackers, puddings, etc.  You have to keep hydrated...dehydration will make the withdrawals worse.  That is one of the most important things to remember.  Other than that, treat the symptoms.  

Sleep or lack of it can be an issue.  It took quite awhile for my sleep patterns to return.  The restless legs will drive you nuts (most have it, but ot all).  Did you get the message I sent you?.  

A taper will help lessen the severity of the withdrawals, but will not stop it.

You can do this....just remember you did not get into this overnight so be ready to just ride it through.  Good luck and keep posting.

[atthebeach]

Please talk with a therapist/ psychologist who can help you with the underlying issues as to why you use. Buried emotional wounds, scars, pain.

[selfinduced]

Mornin Alone, This is your conscious calling. Make today the day you stick to your taper. Just think. Once you kill this , you will NEVER have to hide in shame from your family, miss your kids milestones, be caught in a family emergency and be too whacked on pills to help. Like you i had to detox in secret cause of all the reasons you listed. While not ideal or recommended, I did it for all the things I mentioned above. A member here told me, Self, do it now or you'll have to go to rehab and all your friends and family will know. I just didn't want to do it on others terms. The addiction councilor is a great start. Stay close to this site, remember many have done this and you will too. It will be work, but hey your raising a child and holding down a family. Your a strong person. Be ready for your emotions to be a mess for a few weeks, it's all part of the healing. Stay close to the site for support. Today you will reclaim your life. Here for you,

[CATUF]

you remind me of my self at the end of my pill-using days.  i was at 35-40 10mg hydros a day and wasn't having any fun - just using to avoid wd. one difference is that i had been trying to quite for years and had gone through wd too many times for me to count.

what finally got me off pills is not a method i'd recommend, since it came very close to killing me.  one day during a "dry spell" when i couldn't find ANY tabs, and was quickly getting VERY sick in wd, i came to the seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time conclusion that maybe a hit of crack (or two) could help me through until what i needed became available.

SHAZAM!!! i was no longer hooked on pills.  however, i immediately took off on crack like there was no tomorrow. talk about socially unacceptable for a professional, with his own firm, father of four, etc. howevr, it turned out to be a good thing . . . it got so bad, so quick, that there was no possibiity of keeping it hidden anymore.  my "little secret" came to everyone's attention as i started looking like someone in the last stages of cancer, etc.  all too soon i was attracting the attention of police, then judges and everything fell completely apart -- which is exactly what i needed.

we don't give it up, come out of hiding, or make the changes necessary until our lives are no longer managable . . . that takes a long time for most of us, as we will do a lot to "protect" ourselves from what we perceive as the end.  in truth, we are only protecting the beast (addiction) that wants to kill us.

given the time and amount you have been using, it is very likely that you need professional to get into (and stay in) recovery.  you clearly recognize that you are in trouble.  however, it's my experience that when we addicts get to the point where we think "i need to get out of the water - my feet are really getting wet," we're actually way over our head and just can't see it.  whatever analogy is most apt, the problem is bigger than you are and it is bigger than you are currently capable of seeing.

it sounds like you're a single parent, which may make in-patient rehab seem difficult.  if there's anyway to swing it, though, long-term in-patient is the way to go . . . long-term treatment works.

don't be so quick to dismiss sub.  it's easy to say you don't want to trade one addiction for another, but that's not accurate.  if you get into a sub program and followed it like your life depended on it (which it would), you'd be trading an illegal addiction that's slowly killing you (and is going to get worse) for a medically-controlled and proven treatment plan that allows you to develope a strong program of recovery while keeping you safe from that addiction while you do so.  The people i know who took sub AND worked on their recovery for a period of many months (adding up to years) while they slowly tapered off the sub, are doing great.  The people in my recovery-life that took sub as another self-help, do-it-my-way quick fix, are either back in active addiction or already dead.

gotta run . . . i'm praying for you.  you can't see it now, but you've taken a big step and you're putting yourself in a position to finally get better.  there is wonderful life after active addiction and you deserve to be a part of it.

to start, go on line and find NA's Basic Text and read the first four chapters.  then find AA's Big Book and read the first five chapters.

welcome to the light.

CATUF
2767

[Alonenafraid]

Ok,I am not sure my mind is going to make it but I took 4 pills this morning instead of 6. and going nuts fighting with my mind as it is trying to talk me into 6 saying"I have a lot of emails to write and calls to make I'll just start my taper at 2pm" Now I know from experience that if I give into this and take 6 I am done for and when 2pm rolls around I'll tell myself " Might as well have one last day and start tomorrow" Every minute feels like a hour but so far I have zero wd from the 4 so this is all mental right now..Researching Dr.'s and reading your posts over and over again to stay strong.Praying I can just find %10 of the energy and strength I use to feed my habit to get thru this taper period!Thank you guys,I have never ever in all these years been able to openly share with anyone in the world,for this I am grateful...

P.S. As I said before the RLS is the absolute worst for me and the one thing that drives me so incredibly nuts that I give up and reach for the pills,if anyone has ANY methods to avoid the RLS I think I will have a shot at getting thru this.

[toothfairie]

I so hear you on the mental part!  our bodies can take the beating but our minds will try and trick us into taking that pill.....

And this site was the first time i've ever told anyone about my addiction as well....it's so great to be able to vent to someone even if it is on the internet.....now my counselor knows and people at NA.....but i'm working up the courage to tell certain family members...one day soon maybe....but just keep fighting!  it's so worth it to get to the other side!  I promise you it will be great!  and for RLS....i heard that hot baths....and also there's otc stuff called Restless Legs i think at walmart....some say that helped them....luckily i didn't have that too bad....also try hot towels from the dryer draped over your legs...hope some of this helps!  just fight that urge to take more than the taper calls for!  you can do this!!  

[littlebit667]

The only thing that helped me was a non addictive script from my doctor for RLS!

[kyle505]

You've got a lot of great advice. My take is fairly simple, and forgive me if I missed any updates to your original statement, but if you don't tell your secret then you will have a great deal of difficulty getting and staying clean. You, just like me and so many others, will continue to relapse behind the secret.
This is a great site, and I owe so much of my recovery to the people here who held my hand and listened to me whine - but it is no substitute for friends and family members. They will become your support system, along with NA meetings and this forum.
These three steps/rules helped me make one year clean after many, many years of using -
* Cut all sources. During detox and on going recovery, your head will never stop talking to you. The voice "just one won't hurt", "I deserve some rest", etc., will talk to you, and if you have pills you will relapse. You can work out the source or reason for your addiction later.
* TELL YOUR SECRET. I told my doc, family, pharmacy, close friends. Why? Because I wanted them to know about all of my lies; about how I made things up, how I took meds from other people's med cabs, and on and on.
* Get aftercare. You may get through the physical detox, but as stated, the mental side of recovery is much more difficult and is a life long process. As Sarah often says, never let down your guard.
I wish you only success - life is fantastic without pills - but if you don't let loved ones know what you're doing then the odds of relapse are high.

[Jimmy1975]

Hello Alone , so happy you found us . There is not much more I can add that my comrades haven't covered but this. In my humble opinion since you say you have money and an endless resource for pills you really need to find one person you can trust to help you taper if that is what you chose . When you don't even have to worry about counting pills that makes it really tough and I'm sure you know this . Stay on the forum's as this is a wonderful place for friendship and support . Gods speed . Jimmy