A month and still fighting

[Tina6444]

Well it has been a month since my last pill. Those initial days/nights of pure hell are slowly fading into my distant memory.  Truth be told this battle for me continues mentally and I find this harder than getting through some of the physical s/s. Perhaps not harder; just endlessly draining. There are some good days and some bad days. Sometimes it feels like I have backtracked weeks. I know this is all too familiar for some. I have realized I need to make some changes in my life to go on without opiates.  But the best part for me is the freedom. Not being chained to a bottle of pills wondering where I can get my next one. Ugh I hated that attachment.

I am so proud of the posse making it through to 1 month. Honestly I didn't really expect to but here I am. This is the toughest battle I have ever fought in my life and it rages on.  Without you all as my lifeline during this I would not be here.

Anyways here is to a more happy day for us all:) Sending you all love and positivity throughout this journey.

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Sounds great, Tina. I'll start post tomorrow. And we will work through the next phase of our recovery together. NoMore, we will be expecting you to help us too, so save a little energy from your workouts and hang tough with us. Love to everyone who has the guts the make the commitment to not only become drug free, but to work and stay drug free. JUST FOR TODAY!

[Tina6444]

I love that idea Charlie!! It has helped me and I feel a little more sane after posting :) I know that life should be taking over and it is good we do not feel compelled to post every 10 minutes!! I won't freak out if I don't hear from you every day:)

Our work is nowhere done…agreed upon that. I love the suggestions and advice people give. I think there are different approaches to this stage and would love to update, listen, and learn. Hopefully it will remain open minded, compassionate, and positive in feedback.

So you lead buddy with the first new post! Bring back the posse! wooooohooooo!!!
Much love charlie man!

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

I love and respect you so much for all that you have been and are going through now. We did talk many times everyday during the first 3 weeks or so of our withdrawals and then we kind of let life start taking over. And that's what got us through the rough physical part. We inspired each other and we all are still rockin and rollin down this recovery road. I truly don't believe any of us thought we would get this far, so we really did not know how to deal with or plan for this phase.

So, let's plan. We already know that trying to quit alone and trying to stay pill free alone is not a good idea. And we already know that the POSSE is a really good support group. So, let's agree that we need to post a least once a day or every other day just to maintain our contact with our new sanity(if we can call it that) and new life. I think it would help us. I know I have sort of felt a bit not normal not posting as much and realize how much it really did  help us. I also went back and read our posts from week 1 and 2 , and boy, did we go through some stuff together. But I think we now are finding out the work is nowhere near done. So let's bring the posse back online and help each other and maybe some new people thinking about or starting this journey. What do you think?

[Tina6444]

Thank you for your support Ike!!! Didn't expect my summer to consist of a constant physical, mental battle, and making new friends on Medhelp but here I am still. Thanks to you all!!!!!!!!!!

[Tina6444]

Is it weird I miss chatting with you everyday?! :) You have become so much stronger through this fight Charlie. I was looking back at our old posts and got goosebumps. Brought me back to those week 1 feelings of constant insecurity, doubt, and being terrified. What a summer!!!!

I am so proud of you charlie man:) You are so wise and compassionate with your advice. Is freedom great or what?!

I am really trying to let go of my control issues; this has been building for years. We live and learn!

My therapist has this quote under his profile and I must say it caught my attention:) I think we might be a match!!

"If you keep doing what you’ve always done you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten".

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Angel, I am so proud you are still fighting the good fight. And that is what it is. A FIGHT. All the issues you brought up are very real and I imagine more real for you. Anxiety, frustration of any kind, and all the stress you've dealt with in the last 6 weeks would be overwhelming for anyone. But you are still there, and still kicking ( or throwing). The aftercare for me has been the most important part of me being clean this far. NA and AA have really helped to start building a foundation for me to begin this new life without the pills. I still deal with anxiety and cravings, but not bad like they were. I am learning to slow down, take one day at a time, turn my worries over to GOD, and stop trying to control everything. And I know you will too. Through your CBT, when it starts, and whatever other measures you decide, it is real clear that you have chosen to do the right things, including posting on here. Know this, you cannot do this alone and you are doing fantastic. Keep reaching out and doing whatever it takes to stay drug free. You truly are a leader. Always love. Charlie

[refills]

Just wanted to join the group in shouting out, You're Doing Great! Robin and all the guys and gals on here are Great to! Keep it up.....ike

[Tina6444]

I took my shoes off today in the park while walking the dogs and just talked to myself a bit. I did help and was more helpful than my typical throwing objects episodes:).  Today I am much more calm despite hectic day. Perhaps it is from the advice :)
Robin, you are so articulate and your responses so very well thought out I thoroughly enjoy reading them. Perhaps you can be my therapist :)))))
I did speak with my therapist over the phone today and he seemed good so far! He thinks with my young age I should respond quickly to CBT however he doesn't know half my issues LOL.

[NeverAgain127]

Hi Tina:

No, I wouldn't say "formally"...actually, the day-hospital program that I attended no longer offers Linehan's program.  Something about funding.   I actually went through it TWICE.

I still have all the course materials, and I pull out what I need in bits and pieces.  One of the most simple and profound things I learned was when you're having a panic attack, or feeling anxious, or even depressed, was to go outside and put your feet on the earth.    Not the carpet, or floor, or tiles, but the GROUND.   Or even sit down under a tree.  'Course with Lyme disease all the rage in New England this summer, I've had to tweak this advice, but I swear, I have used the "going outside and breathing" trick a hundred times when I've been very stressed out.  

It's so simple, but it works.  

Another concept was called "Radical Acceptance."  I love that phrase.  It kind of says what is is.  Here is a site I found for self help with DBT:  http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_skills_list.html

[Krissy_123]

Because you haven't had to worry love. That's why it's so hard for you to tell yourself not too. I resorted back to the same age in my head that I was when I started taken my oxycodone. It's like the clock stops,emotions,feelings and life just stop. The world moves around you but you're stuck in the same rutt counting days to your next refill. You'll be ok. There is nothing wrong with you,this is normal. What helped/helps me is music. Exercise/yoga and music. I feel alive and happy when it's blaring and I'm getting that natural endorphin rush.

[Tina6444]

Robin
Are you currently doing the DBT still formally?

[Tina6444]

I have missed you my friend! I have gone to the gym every day for 4 days in a row and I feel the most peace while on that treadmill. I know you feel the same about exercise:) I think of you every day still and find comfort you are doing so well. I did something different today at work that I normally would have not done all numbed up and it felt awesome!! I just said no and I wasn't going into a situation I felt so uncomfortable doing. And that was that. Only 3 bouts of anxiety /panic today:)))))) Sending love to you friend.  I wish I had your patience and mindfulness.  Worry is senselessness…why I can't accept that I don't know:). So proud of ya sista; you continue to kick #%$  every day!!!

[Nomore2]

Hi, Tina. I'm sorry to read that you are having all of these issues. I just wanted to say, though, that the fact that you are so self-aware is an advantage for you. You are very intelligent, too! I truly believe you will conquer these OCD and anxiety issues eventually. I understand the numbing effect that you enjoyed on the pills. I also used them in that way. Now that I am pill free, I am having to face the things in my life that I am unhappy with and it is hard. I am really working on living in the moment, mindfulness, gratefulness, and I'm trying hard not to worry about the past or the future.(Worry is so senseless. It does nothing for me.) I think about you often. You will get through this. I just know it.

[Tina6444]

I have been following your posts Robin for awhile! I appreciate your advice.  Robin you are tough as nails bc I would have walked out and never looked back from that meeting.  I am sorry to hear that you are suffering with lack of joy right now. No one deserves to feel like that. And I offer my sympathies of your abusive past. Again we could harp on the unfairness but you truly are inspiring and I wish you some peace and joy in the future.

It is ironic that you mentioned the DBT. The clinic I am going to actually offers that along with CBT. I think with my behavioral components that are just getting more apparent this will help me come up with some strategies to deal.
You are all right in that my aftercare has been independently managed (with exception of support here) to this point in time.
When does aftercare begin really? And I did ask for help and advice from you all so I do appreciate and I truly am listening.  And yes actions speak louder than words I know:)
It has taken me a long long time to even post on this forum so this believe it or not taking even further action is a big step. To admit to another human being face to face is a big jump and I am going to start there with a therapist.  Perhaps NA but I am not promising that yet.  

But I will say despite my weak anxiety ridden  moments I am not going back. I truly won't do it.  Because my crappy moments are worth the sacrifice for that trade off of my downward spiral of my old life.  Thank you all for your support and encouragement. You are all incredible and deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope one day we will have it.

[Tina6444]

I am happy to hear that it does get better and you are loving life. I do sometime and I know even when I am having a panic attack I am not going back. I wish patience was a virtue of mine; we probably all think like that:) Thank you for your kind words.

[NeverAgain127]

Hi Tina:

I haven't jumped on this bandwagon so far, because it seems there are always posts I'm missing, but I just read through your entire thread.  

I felt just like you did...and meetings will help you a LOT.  They are free, and a place where you can be among people who understand.  I like AA better than NA, but I will admit right here and now that there are some AA meetings that are just weird and awful.   I went to one and a woman asked me if I wanted to speak. I politely declined (was feeling sick) and she then said, in the most sarcastic voice "Oh how wonderful for you, you must be CURED."

I was in tears, and walked out.  BUT.  A bunch of old timers followed me and talked me through the emotions.

That was a while ago.  Lately...I'd say since the 6 month mark, I've gone numb.  Not good numb like being high, but just...joyless.   Years ago I went through a program by Marsha Linehan called DBT.  You can google it.  It was for abuse survivors, (and I am one...horrible childhood; long, sad story.)

It helped alot.  You can google her name and DBT and there are lots of programs online.    I dont' know if they cost money or not...sorry..;)

I'm trying to use the things I learned there (and this was 20 years ago, before i even started taking opiates.)  Mindfulness, staying in the moment, appreciating what you have, gratefulness, letting go of resentments.  

Life is hard.  Really hard.  I used to reset getting older and then realized that age isn't a privilege everyone gets.    It's a process, but if you keep working on yourself you WILL get better.

That's all I have for now...you're doing great, Tina, and you're a survivor, I can just tell by reading your posts.  Ok, hubby just came home from work with a steak sandwich for me...

G'nite guys!

Hugs,
-Robin

[Danny111]

Hey Krissy,

Getting clean doesn't make our problems go away.  What it does do is allow us to recognize these problems and begin to deal with them.  When we're using we just ignore them and they pile up.

[Calamity2]

God bless !   Sometimes being your own hero, isn't easy.  Congrats on the month !  

[jifmoc]

Tina- at the risk of sounding like a parrot to all of Krissy's advice, I have to say I agree completely. When we put the drugs down, that's just the beginning. Here we are left w/ all the untreated issues we've numbed for so long. But they aren't being numbed anymore.

I know this is the most broken record sounding statement but what are you doing for aftercare? You are waiting to see a counselor, which is good but that means you haven't done anything else yet. I went bonkers when I quit once and didn't get into aftercare. A program is the only way I know to be clean AND sane.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Tina   well as you can see the addict is alive and well in your head  and even after years clean I still have to deal with the addict in mine  the obsessions the cumpushins the resentments are all here to stay  what do I do about it  we it is simple it is the N/A program  I have asked people with 30  yrs clean when will this go away  there answer....Never  you have to learn copping skills  there is so much more to the N/a progam then meetings there is the 12 steps a sponser that believes in you  more important early on when new in the progam  you have a safe place to share what is going on in your head  your not alone or unique to this stuff  there is a room full of people that will understand  I cannot over emphasize how important it is that you dont let this cra p build up in your head  you need to get it out and a meeting is the place to do it  once your there a wile you will find someone that has what you want   ask them to sponcer you  this is when the real majic happens   one addict helping another is without parallel  one addict can best understand another    if nothing else it will get your mind off of life if only for a hour   you have nothing to loose and all to gain you wont be alone we have nurses doctors architects  engineers  sales people and people with ordinary jobs  it is a true melting pot addiction does not discriminate  time to give this option a try Tina  you wont reget it............Gnarly

[Krissy_123]

Oh I should point out though,even though I still have some anxiety,I AM HAPPY! I don't regret quitting 8 months ago. It DOES get better. I love life with my kids,I love waking up and I just love life. I didn't 5-6 months ago though. I thought I'd never get through it. But you do,just like any other illness you'll get better with time.

[Krissy_123]

Sorry just got a new phone and the dumb thing spells words for me. That PPP is suppose to be "people" lol

[Krissy_123]

When we quit the pills we think life is going to be so much better. We read all these stories of PPP that are so happy. I wasn't happy at month 1-2-3. I was lost,I was confused and so very very lost. I didn't know who I was? How can you? Really how can you? So no this isn't abnormal. You're finding you,the real you. It's hard it's scary and it has its ups and downs. I'm at 8 months clean and I still have days where I just can't breath and need ppl to get away from me. I damaged my brain day in and day out for 11 years. I know time and my program is what will help me. I've accepted IT. Or I'd just go nuts.

[Tina6444]

Hello MH friends!

I have no idea how many days out I am anymore which is a good thing to me. I am less focused on pills; that desire is still present but it is getting less.

I have done a lot of learning about myself the past several weeks. I am discovering I am stronger than I thought I was. I am discovering I may certainly have some mental/behavioral issues that were present years ago however I used pills as a bandaid. The pills gave me a high yes... but I realize I used them as a tool to numb myself and to enable complacency towards things in my life I couldn't change. All the things I couldn't control I just popped a pill and ahhhh bliss and complacency. I didn't feel the need to change anything after that. I don't know if I mentioned however initially I detested the way pain medication made me feel. It took 1 month for me to really start enjoying them. The one thing I liked about them and thus continued to take was the ability become unconcerned about EVERYTHING. I wasn't a control freak on them. Well..until I was close to running out lol.

I am discovering I indeed have major underlying control issues and some obsessive compulsive behaviors.  And the times I have the most anxiety are those moments when I realize I am powerless. I feel I have no control over anything BUT my sobriety. Oh and when I run.

I am discovering that dishes left in sink, dog fur on bed, and a dirty car will set me off into an anxiety filled episode. My skin literally feels like it's crawling and sometimes I have to remember to breathe. I cannot even speak to voice my extreme annoyance to my husband and sister (living with me currently) and I feel so powerless. I frantically begin to clean though cannot keep up on it as well as on the superhuman energy Norcos gave me. I have had to pull over while driving because of panic attacks.

I am discovering that I desperately need new coping strategies to my issues. Still awaiting therapy authorization as the cognitive behavioral therapy is out of network…Just my luck!  I am willing to try anything at this point in time as I am not liking the person I am becoming. It's exhausting!! Sober but exhausting.

Friends -I need your advice as I realize the brain chem thing can take some time. But is this too abnormal? I just cannot cope with anything it seems. I would appreciate suggestions:) I don't want pain medication…deep down I truly don't because I am OFF that roller coaster of hell and do not ever want to get on that again. I am not faltering on my resolve to maintain sobriety…but I do question my mental status numerous times a day. Par for the course?