Advice and support i need to change

[jwmx6]

Hey i have been following the forums and discussions for a while now. This is my first post because i have finally decided to start a plan to completely be free of any controlling substance. I know that some may critisice me about  things i have done or am doing as i post but please dont judge just advice and support please. So my story i will be brief, i have always had some issues with depression and very mild anxiety, at first in my early 20s i did the drinking smoking pot thing not unatural colledge behavior as well as the ocassinal hydro or benzo. I am 32 now i think my addictiion to pain pills started around 4 to 5 years ago i worked constuction and had legitiamte back and feet problems. Like many this is where it took over taking more than prescribed, drug seeking behavior ,stronger pain meds more anything to work longer harder faster I eventualy stoped smoking pot and started taking benzos in its place. So i started taking suboxone about 2 years ago to honsetly not have to spend the money for the pain meds but still contniued to take hydro, oxy later in the eveing. I was getting the sub from a friend who was going to a clince but i have never been.I was always hard working functioning addict about a year ago i started a daily regiment of sub in the morning very small dose under 1mg , adderal under 20 mg a day , hydro or oxy under 20 mg a day , and in the eveing benzo weather that be xanax or clonapin between 2mg to 6mg for sleep. Well i stoped the adderal and the pain meds took the last around month and a half ago becasue i noticed my tolerance for the addarl was gaiing momentium IT WAS HORRIBLE  I i tried cold turkey BIG MISTAKE but slowely tapered over about a week and a half period. To deal with the anxiety and some family issues while coming off the adderal i would take some xany when the panic attacks where so bad i almost would become dizzy and feel like i was passing out. So i am curently taking just sub in the morning but find myself having to take benzos more frequently even during morning hours just to not suffer , before i never had these panic attacks or severe depression and never took benzos before 6 or 7 in the evening. On my worst days i take no more than 5 to 8 mg of the benzo and its hard to even accomplish anything. I am sure that i have left out things but i am just having a hard time conentrating lately. So long story a functionig hard working addict has become a scared dependent useless mess. I cant continue to lay around all day i need a plan and support  thanks for listening

[jwmx6]

Not sure about the busparone any body have any experience with it  

[jwmx6]

Update I am doing much better I am off xanax and switched to clon still small doses of sub but I have a dr now to regulte everything and get me leveled out I was prescribed buspirone along with zoloft I've not taking it yet any info on that med thanls for listening  

[jwmx6]

Been a rough couple weeks benzo taper is going ok but I have no motivation on the sub to work or anything haven't been getting to bed till late just feel worthless I need to force myself to try and get out and accomplish somthing

[jwmx6]

been having a rough time

[jwmx6]

Been up and down lately having trouble sleeping didn't to to sleep till almosst 5 last night so today at around 3 when I started getting anxious I went to the park and walked and played basketball for two hrs this is the most pysical activity obe done in 5 months it hurts now but wow I feel better and maybe ill get some good sleep tnt have a good weekend all and keep up the good fight

[petroglyph54]

I sorta remember having fun clean, but it was a long time ago. I yearn for the time, hopefully soon for that to be. You however are fighting a good fight. Even if your secret gets disclosed, it's going to be what it's going to be. You will get thru it, and you may even feel a big weight being lifted off your shoulders. As hard as this process is of getting the poison out, it is just much harder if we have to worry about "who knows". Dad's can be amazing people at times. He may be a lot more understanding then you give him credit for and maybe not. For me tho, even a tough topic like yours, shared with a father can open doors in communicating that before were unimaginable. Other's have coined the phrase "our secrets keep us sick". I miss my father immensely, but the times we were able to share some real talk I will always cherish. If the ones that love us are only there for the good and not any of the difficult or ugly, that's not honest anyway. Most of us would like people to see us the way we want to be seen, but that's seldom the way we are. Sharing that is usually for a very chosen few. How are you doing with your taper, still down dosing or clean I hope. Posters don't always post and I'm positive that many are cheering you forward, but don't always feel like posting. That's also what makes some of these recurrent posters precious, and I dont' think they ever reciece enough thanks, it's not easy to keep up the effort trying to help others. Just like there's a special Hell for anyone that would sell narcotics to children, maybe there will be a special place in heaven for these volunteers? Keep posting so's we know you made it OK?

[jwmx6]

I wish I could feel normal again withouout the motivation of a pill it seems my world is caving in on me but I can't go back to taking pain pills everybody knows even my father that sonthings wrong they Think I have started taking drugs but I have just started tapering off the drugs I've been in do u all remeber just feeling good because the sun was shinning can I ever get back to feeling good for no reason or relaxing without taking a pill stay strong

[freenikita]

well yes, jwmx6, I am impressed. all i know from what you described is Adderall and it was "hell" for me... six flag is nothing in comparison and considering everything, you are a tough cookie... stay strong! i know you heard it all before: hang in there, it does get better. it's a promise.

best,


nikita

[jwmx6]

Its like a rollercoaster isn't it everybody have a good weekend stay stong

[petroglyph54]

As miserable as it is, you are doing really good. It's a pretty tough way to sobriety from where you [we]were, but doing it and making progress is just wonderful. I've never tried the subs, I'm working against oxy, it's got to be somewhat similar. As far as I know it's alot alike? I really am glad that you are making progress, and hope you continue on your path and keep posting. Some nights are slower than others. good luck!

[jwmx6]

I have had a rough couple of days o wake up at 1030 and am panicy so I take my small dose of sub and then strugle with anxiety and no energy till I can't hold out around 6 I take benzos usually around 2 to 4 mg untill I sleep this routine has gota stop I feel Its getting worse and not leveling out I can't even imagine trying to work mybe when it starts getting warmer I will come around just need support feel helpless

[jwmx6]

Hope everybody has a good weekend today is good so far

[jwmx6]

Bad couple days

[jwmx6]

Today was good I had a window for about an hour it was like a natural high like a normal feeling and I waited till 830 to take any benzo I've not waited that long in a year hope I can sleep tnt

[my3kids222]

...And I'm sorry your having a bad day : (....Hang in there.

[my3kids222]

I to have been on sub's and am feeling alot of anxiety (biting my nails), I''m not sure if it's being off the vicodin (which was my bad habit), well I mixed vicodin, with tramadol for a good two yrs after a car accident....It's been two months on sub's and I'm struggeling, but one of the things you said, was" telling someone" I think that's a great idea, maybe not your dad but someone,it really does help.  

[jwmx6]

Bad day

[Peter069]

It sounds like you have been doing good. Thats great keep it up.  I havent been online but today is my 21 1/2 days already since I jumped off 6mg/day.  I have bben at where ur at during a different time of my addiction, once you get to the amount that your at for the subs the rest of it is in your head. I would be willing to bet you will no way get sick from withdrawling.  You will probably jst get cold like symtoms and hot and cold flashes. I have always been scared to go without my subs or pain pills, but after I got thru the detoxing part of it I really wish I would have done this sooner. I actually finally feel like I can get my life back and feel like a "normal" person again. Keep going you can do it!!!

[jwmx6]

Thanks For the support it makes such a difference when I hear those kind words I an definitely going through medium inter dose withdrawal it 7 and was very angry today as well as anxious buT I've only taken .5 so far I wonder how just CT would be but hopefully I can go back to just a little at night keep posting the support been really foggy this evening  

[sudie58]

its really good the benzos tapering is going well, is better to do it a tiny bit at a time, dont rush it ,just slowly reduce a tiny amount at a time. it will be a bit easier and also be a lot easier to stay off them in the long run.  you really should be proud of your self , your doing so well in all of it! dont get complacent or take your eye off the ball. with having to look after your mum etc . and still be on track , is great! you are stronger than you realise and will win !! stay strong, have faith in yourself. take care .  be kind to you!"!!, best wishes!

[jwmx6]

Thanks another day its almost 6 I feel the urge but am going to put off taking any till 6 I did t mention this but I had to stop working to take care of moms broken hip for the past 4 months I started to take more benzos to not freak out so with a combination of having to run a house hold using sub adderal pain pills and benzo know wonder I had a meltdown I am now at 1mg or less of sub in the am and maybe 4 mg a day of benzo in the evening I have been off adderal and pain pills almost 3 months hopfully I can get stable and start from there thanks for the support

[sudie58]

you are doing well with the benzo, withdrawal from them does make you anxious and panicky. they are a nightmare to come off, so keep on doing that. i was addicted to them on and off for 20 odd years. good luck

[jwmx6]

Ok today getting out in the sunshine and putting off taking any benzo my hope is to get back to taking small amounts at night and not be anxious all the time

[jwmx6]

On a more personal note if I Continue to get worse aka take more benzos more subs I will have no choice but to tell my dad about the addiction. This scares me because he will react harshly and won't understand the tapering and most likely will be forced to CT under lock and key it would be tje hardest thing to tell him. He wouldn't understand