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Advice for a year of Oxy
I've been on oxy ocs for 13 months. I've never exceeded 60mgs in a day (10 mos of 20s twice a day, then 3 months of 30s twice a day.) I ran out of ocs and didn't care to use the ops. I had some Opana 10s, and when I took my last oxy on Sunday, I used two of the Opana 10s on Monday. Today (Tuesday), I haven't taken anything. In fact, I flushed the Opana and about 8 ox ops I had left down the toiled. I feel horrible. My back. My mind. My stomach. I'm not sure how to cope or how long it will last. I have three kids - 6, 4, and 2 - and don't want to ruin their Christmas being locked in my room sweating. My wife is trying to help, but I keep pushing her away. Any advice?
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day (night) 7  - went for a walk outside today. it was hard at first, but i had no goals of pace or distance. i listened to a message by chuck swindoll, and just walked. the air was very clean and clear. i ended up walking to a local place and ate a chicken taco and about a 1/2 cut of refried beans. it didn't feel too heavy. i walked back and read a bit - a very little bit - from a chuck swindoll book about positive attitudes. laid down about 5:15, and although i didn't sleep, i didn't get too panicky.

i'm very tired, but anxious at the same time. 6pm was usually the latest i would take my second or third (depending if I had cut it in half or not) of the day. the lack of pain and euphoric numbness would fill the rest of the evening whether it was class at night, or time with the family. now there is no pill too take and i feel like a pile of rubble.

anyway, it's 6:30 now and i just finished dinner at the table with my family. this is the most i've eaten all week - still not much, and my wife looks every bit as tired as i do. i'm with my kids i the living room, but it's hard for me to "engage" with them. it ***** that my kindergartner's vacation is being wasted on his dad being a zombie. i'll never get these days back. but maybe i'm saving years, or an overdose, or something i won't ever see on this side of eternity.

@kuckma if you're out there, I hope you're ok. i wish you had more time off, but you sounded much better than me. stay encouraged.
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I'm proud of you man. You're really doing great! Seriously, read a post you wrote on day 3, then reread your last. It's night and day. So proud.  Stay strong. You've gone thru the worst.

After a week of tapering, I'm going ct this Thursday and I promise, your postings here have given me so much encouragement. I'll keep you in my prayers for sure. God Bless
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617347 tn?1331296681
you are pushing yourself and this is good, how are you doing, David ?
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hi. im not sure. lousy sleep night again even with sleep aids. i went for my first ever accupuncture today. i feel the same (back pain I mean), and i hate when i have to tell my wife "it didn't work" so to speak. that happened when the back surgeon said he couldn't see enough to want to do surgery. we were all hoping for the "fix it" surgery a while back.

i stopped by the ymca to look at family memberships, etc. just got home and no one is here. it's so pretty outside, so i'm sure April took the kids to the park or something. i want to call and join them, but... idk... it's like i literally can not under no circumstances help feeling sorry for myself and just sit here thinking, wondering, worrying...

i can sense my appetite coming back. i was never a "healthy" eater, so i'm not sure how radical i can get with that. laurel, i'm just kinda scared that i'll never get fully better. a lot of people depend on me, and if they knew what shape i was in... anyway, pity party again i guess :) i think (i think) if it wasn't for the chronic back pain, i would have joy. i don't know how to get mentally tough about it. i was mentally toughER about it before the oxy, then I was euphorically healed on the oxy, and now i'm worse than either of those states. big sigh.

thanks for checking on me... david
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1531526 tn?1330739676
Just the fact that you went out and got something to eat, then today stopped at the YMCA...you're doing the 'getting your life back together' part. You're actively interested in going back to your old self. It takes a long time to get right back where you were. Every day is a new one, and just look back to your first couple of days. You've gone though physical hell. It all comes, but in teeny tiny amounts.
Everything you're feeling is totally normal. You are mourning the loss of your DOC that brought you relief, physically and mentally. Of course you feel bad for yourself, you have a disease and you're the only one that can fight it. Just the desire to want to join your kids and wife at the park shows improvment. Don't be so down that you can't join them quite yet. It will all happen in due time. We were used to being on so much pills that even taking then as prescribed alters your pain receptors and clouds you  alittle. Then we get used to being on them all the time and so our bodies and brains get dependant. So it's going to take time to get things back. I think you already are getting back. Layer by layer you'll come back to the old you...but it takes a lot of time!!! Keep going, you're doing so well
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617347 tn?1331296681
Recovering from opiates is not a fast road, this is true but you will see the improvements. Accupuncture does not always work the first time, it takes some sessions so i would advice you not to give it up yet. The amino acid protocol has some good advices you could follow, David, they help even with feeling down. It is really noormal going through such an emotional feeling down phase. It is no fun at all but again, this too shall pass... the rebound pain , i really hope you will feel better about it in some days. Keep pushing yourself a little every day, doing different things has a positive effect on our frame of mind, talk to your inner david in a positive mood, if you have to fake it, do it :) Breaking the cycle of negative thoughts is really important... Maybe you could cook something easy for April and the children when they are back ?  Just hang in during those days and don't think if you can... we are here with you, you know :)
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1531526 tn?1330739676
Exactly what Laurel said-sometime you'll have to fake it. But I find that when I feel I'm done and I just want to crawl in a hole, I get dressed, ready, put on the fakest smile and cheery attitude and then the fakeness starts to fade and you actually want to smile on your own. You force the fake David for a while, and real David will poke back though slowly. That is the key though...slowly. I'd get to a point where I thought I couldn't cook dinner for my hubby and child, but made myself do it. I grunted and moaned but after it was done (nothing fancy), I was happy I could at least do something so small soberly. Then I gave myself of a reward of a hot shower and pjs for the rest of the night....You cannot take on the universe at first..you have to start in the smallest ways possible. And by you walking and eating and even considering going out with your wife and kids, well you're more than on your way!!! The journey is beginning. We're all still here and thinking of you, keep us posted. And don't be so down on yourself....you're battling a disease here!!!
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i'm glad you guys wrote. i feel so so so down. i was glad to read it takes time. i keep thinking that 7 completed days is fine, and that this 8th day should bring normalcy. i keep crying and worrying about EVERYTHING. it's not even one thing. it's the future, it's the week of withdrawals that wasted time with my family, it's how i feel right now, it's worrying about sleeping, my back pain, EVERYTHING.

just before hopping on here though, i read prescription drug wd can take up to 3 weeks and some other stuff about how our bodies stop producing endorphines and seratonin naturally, so we're off balance. I hope that's what's going on. i was to live again. i feel like death warmed over.
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1531526 tn?1330739676
I would suggest doing a google search for PAWS post accute withdrawal symptoms. But you have come a long way since day one..just keep reminding yourself of that.And yes, we're pumping our body full of endorphins and dopamine and seratonin in huge amounts, not to mention they're synthetic too. So when we get rid of those, it's almost as if our bodies literally have to learn to produce those again naturally. It's a long and huge process. And that wasted time with your family is time well wasted, as they will now have a healthy and naturally happy dad and hubby back. I'm sure if you asked them as adults if they'd rather of had a doped up in a daze dad who was slowly dying and disconnected, or a dad who chose to get better for them and he's going to be sick for a week or so and maybe not be in the best mood and stuff first, but he'll be back to normal sooner than he thinks, and he'll live a long happy and healthy life. I think they'd be happy to know that the days you had to spend getting better were giving them a lifetime of the old you...what better present is there!!!??
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Well, PAWS sounds terrible. Oh well. I'm going to try not to overthink it (per Laurel:). Back pain wasn't as bad yesterday as it has been today. The accupuncture guy said it might be bad because of his handiwork...

I'm pretty concerned about my sleep. The ambien worked once and hasn't worked the past two nights. I've been doing sominex OTC to get pockets of sleep at night, but I don't like depending on it. I feel wide awake at all times. Will this ever break or is it just different with every person - like the PAWS sites talk about.

Yeah, bad pain tonight. Groggy. Discouraged. I hope I did the right thing stopping my meds. I have only found 1 post on a different site that talked about how oxy "used correctly" can give many people a quality of life they would otherwise not have.
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Hey, I don't want that last comment to cause anyone to second guess themselves. I'm sorry. I remember the "positive" post came from a site where people were mad that the new oxy OP was not as strong (or they couldn't abuse it) as oxy OC.

If I could go back 13 months, I'm not sure what I'd do. I remember going to my doctor in unbearable pain and saying, "I need you to help me."
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1523327 tn?1295406570
OMG Im back I missed you so much!

My Laptop cable was messed up over our little holiday trip and I could not charge my Laptop anymore. Today I finally had enough energy to go and get a new one....

Its been so so tough! Work is horribly, I am counting down every minute of every hour till its time to go home and be a zombie. The fake face is so so hard to do,
I LOVE MY JOB! But now it is just horrible.
During winter break I am working at a School Age Center, the kids see right through me.
the fake face does not work with them, I just want to be happy.

I am the kind of person that has to plan everything, nothing happens on accident, from the get up time to the dress-code, for me or the children, the menu for the day what will be cooked, what pjs will be worn that night and what towel will be used.

The Pills kind of took that away from me, and I am trying to gain my control back and it is not working. I am not happy, I am trying to plan minute by minute, "maybe if I eat a little bit of chocolate in the morning it will make me happy". "In my next break I will drink some red bull and mabye it will make me a little happy"," After I get home, I check on the kids, take a shower, and read a book, maybe it will make me happy".

My muscle all over hurt (very little calcium in my body, my body will not absorb it) I am alternating Tylenol with Moltin every 6 hours all day long, so I can make it through the day. Makes my tummy hurt so bad, I lost 10 pounds since I went CT, (not sad about it as long as the sisters don't get smaller)

NOTHING,NOTHING is making me happy, well.....the sex is way better <>>.....that is really cool, way more intense and the connection between me and Eric (Hubby) is a lot better, more intense. I feel like I love him "deeper" now.

I know that you will tell me "It will get better", but the craving is still there, I have to keep my mind busy not to think about it.
Anxiety is ruling my day,
I was thinking about quitting my job today, I NEVER BEEN WITHOUT JOB! But I am seriously considering. Not a good idea, I know, but I am dragging so so much,

I know BLAH BLAH BLAH, buckle up, STFU, and keep going.......

I am so so tired, Im having such a hard time driving to and from work, I drive 1 hour and 20 min to get to work. That is so so draining now! I am done before I even get there!

Right now I am just lost, What have I done to myself? Its my own fault! Will life ever be enjoyable again? I so so seriously doubt  it!
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Hey girl hang in there you will start to feel better and I know your sick of hering this but just give it some time try the whey protein shakes you can pick them up at walmart for 15 bucks for a 2lb can drink 2 a day there loaded with vitamins essential amino acids along with the protein all of witch your brain needs to heal the chocolate flavor is good just mix it with milk
try getting some exercise even if you dont have the energy for it ....it helps right now your in the emotional faze dont make any major changes in your life other then staying clean for at least 90 days it takes that long to get into some normal brain chemistry your doing better then you think your able to work your smile will return again just give it a chance hang in there your going to make it....time for some form of aftercare you need human iteration with others that know what your going threw N/A and A/A are free and the progams work if you work them its really what you need now trust me on this one
it makes all the difference keep posting for support we all want to see you succeed
good luck and God bless  Gnarly      
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1523327 tn?1295406570
Thank you so much I need to hear that!

I know all I am doing right now is complaining, but It feels so "dark" right now.

Thank you so much for everyone who kept checking on me while I was not online for a few days. I just read all my messages!!!! Thank you so much, what in the world would I do without you?

You are part of my life right now! Part of my family if you will I think about all of you all the time during the day, How is David doing? Are you haning in there? How is April?

Im going to try to get some shuteye but its so hard, I wish I could get one night of good night sleep, and a day without cravings.......

Good night to everybody!! Big big bear HUGS!
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1331115 tn?1401672466
A big congrats on ALL your clean time I know how rough it is. You posted that your body can't absorb calcium, have you tried taking magnesium and vitimin D with it as that helps you body to absord CA. I have been follwing your and Davids (hisskidd) journey through this and you both have shown great courage and should both be VERY proud of yourselves as I am of both of you. I know how hard and frustrating this journey is but the prize at the end is well worth it. So keep on keepin on. God Bless both of you----Rick  
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617347 tn?1331296681
YESSS don't overthink :) Lol ok, i would not worry very much about PAWS in your case, you have been on the pills for 13 months so those PAWS are not for you to worry about now, i would think :) I encourage you again to eat as healthy as you can, a protein rich food, there are foods that help with dopamine and Ltryptophan, a whey protein full of vitamins and aminos  as gnarly said,  would be good. Make a routine every day about taking care of your body and spirit... meditation, acupuncture, stretching, hot baths, walks, a healthy diet, aminos and vitamins will help also healing your spirit, trust me :)  

Problems with sleep are really very common... a hot bath before going to bed, the hylands restful legs, some relaxing tea as a routine will help you too and always some good positive thoughts ... if you are taking the melatonin, make sure you take it on the dark, this is the way it works, btw.
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It's very hard - with all of life's responsibilities - to even get your mind in the "right" frame. I don't remember how I did life before oxy. It's weird. Almost surreal.

Got a little sleep last night, but it took sleep aids. I want to try and go away from those. Most of us have at least a little bit of a cold in my house now. It's gray outside and a little rainy, so it makes the gloom worse.

I just want to be better.
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617347 tn?1331296681
baby steps... we can only ask for baby steps but even if they are small ones, they mean a lot.. for instance, i see you say that "you just want to be better".... four days ago you would have said " i won't never be better", you see ? baby steps, david :)

now, i see you are looking at the treadmill ... ok, stop looking at it and just walk a little, some of the stuff that slow our walking forwards is that we put our expectations too high at first... you don't need walking nor running for miles, just exercising a little your muscles for now , ok? :) Hope your family will feel better soon, make some ponche anti colds for all of you  and drink it together while you relax on the couch after walking a little on this treadmill .. hot milk+honey+cinnamon will help you also with sleep ;)

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1283286 tn?1312915566
You will be feeling much better soon. Faith my friend, faith. Laurel has given you excellent advice. I am still in the midst of some confusion but experienced enough to know that one, this site educated me faster than anything possibly could have within a weeks time of finding it, and two, as hopeless as things feel at times, remember one thing..It is the result of medications that were not fully explained as to what they truly can do to a person in time..These swings, these emotions, these days of uncertainty are just byproducts of this process we have to go thru to rid ourselve's of these god aweful feelings that make us question our sanity at times. There's one statement I always use at times I'm not sure.."this will pass"...And it will. Don't drive yourself nuts trying to make it happen, just let it happen. Because its headed your way :)

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Thank you both. I just did 30 minutes on the treadmill. First time in years. 20 solid minutes then 10 cool down. Now I'm hungry :) I'm posting this for encouragement and mainly so I will REMEMBER!

Love you guys. I mean it.

David
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1283286 tn?1312915566
Progresso soups with a sandwich :)  They really taste good :)
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1531526 tn?1330739676
Well done you!!!!! Keep it up, and things will catch up to you slowly but surely. If anything, it's going to make you appreciate the tiniest things in life. I'll say a prayer that things stay in that direction for you :) Keep posting!!
Alison
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I cried as I read your posts because I'm going through the same thing from oxy wd.  It is so hard an I too havesmall children and a job teaching at the college.  I am on day 2 and don't think I will make it this time either.  I'm so afraid that I can't do it and reading your success helps.

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Congrats hiskidd, you are doing great! Treadmill? Walks around the neighborhood? Thats awesome! Remember last week? You've come so far! If you get a chance, pick up 5HTP from Walgreens in the vitamins section. It should help tremendously with your mood. Not quite sure how it works, but it really does. Again, your doing wonderful! Your journey has given me so much strength to embark on my own (day 1 here). Thank you, and stay strong my friend.
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Cathy, I posted on your thread...I'm praying for you.

Treadmill didn't work so well today. Had such a bad night of sleep, it set the tone for the rest of the day. I can see now, how I could justify taking "just one" oxy to "get through" the day. Back pain is crazy after second accupuncture appointment. Feeling all all around stressed. I get what "self-medicating" means now.

Wish I had a better report to give :(
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It's ok for you to not always have something positive to "report!"  This isn't easy to get through!  Even TRYING is something.  Just do what you can to get through the day without using, and it's automatically a success!!! : )
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1523327 tn?1295406570
What day are we on, David? I forgot......is it 20 Million?

Had a breakdown at work today and confessed to one of my coworkers.

She was holding me while I was boohoo crying.

The children at work and at home "smell" my weakness right now and play me like a violin.
Also, I have a coworker who is not happy with a promotion I got and she is nitpicking at everything I do. so there is so so much pressure on me right now.

I keep thinking maybe I should try this when I have less pressure, I am making excuses In my head why I should "take just one half". but I will not, I am with you David. I wanna make excuse after excuse, but remember  where we already  are David.

Im afraid if you give up I will too, I am was so so close a few times, this is hard cause I do not sleep or eat. I am doing the protein shakes, but since I went CT I have this whole stomach thing going on. the smallest little thing that grosses me out makes me sick, and we are talking "both sides". I throw up all the time, I almost feel like I am pregnant again.....just awful...... I am sure it is anxiety.
but still if I go back now, I have to do this all over again.

The muscle pain and muscle cramps are unbearable at night that comes with the Hypocalcemia that I have.
I am so sick and tired of being tired and hurt.
this HAS to stop one day David it has to! I just ****** has to.
I am off tomorrow, I will try to relax, sleep and eat as much as I can, I am so sore!

I want to cry, and just take a pill, but we know better David,......we just do......

Hugs, Berit

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HEY  you guys are doing great.....not everyday is going to be a good one you have your ups and downs in the beginning it can be a grind this is why I always say this is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental ....your mind will play tricks on you your addiction is screaming at you to come out and play...it will say things like ...''oo one pill wont hurt''' ''you deserve it after the day you have had'' the pain in my back is more then I can stand is the one that always trys to get me theirs a 1000 more....this is why we say aftercare is so important it is the very way our minds work the very way we think that needs to change....you know the static shows that lest the 10% of the people will make it 1yr clean without aftercare we cant stress this enough it will really help both of you to get involved with N/A or A/A and work it get a sponsor and work the 12 steps....this has been the path out for many of us please get help wile your still clean your walking on a tight line right now I wish you all the best in your recovery we all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless....Gnarly  
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Thanks Gnarly and Tramahater. Really. I hang on every letter sometimes :)

Berit, you have had a bad day. The protein shakes are enough. Think of all the starving people in the world. Those shakes would be like a feast to them. Your tummy will get better...

My back got a little better tonight. Ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows. Go back and read what you wrote when you were feeling better. Won't stop praying...
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617347 tn?1331296681
it is true that you  are been testing almost every hour but here you are :) Do feel proud , David ..

Berit and David, hang in !! you have gone through a lot already, this shows you can fight this, you are doing it, this too shall pass... the mental battle too shall pass, trust yourselves that you can do it with the mental battle too !!!!
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1523327 tn?1295406570
Thank you so much guys!
Im doing much better now, I went to a friends house last night, who has a jacuzzi (since ours is not working) and a sauna, we did the sauna a few times and sat out in the freezing cold (-9 degrees Fahrenheit over here) afterwards and talked a lot while sitting in the hot water.
the Jacuzzi felt so so good, or just TALKING felt great too.

Im was so  tired last night and so relaxed that made me sleep so  well.  Im off today, I will take it easy and try some light food today, since I do not have to rush rush today.

But honestly just talking with my friend last night (or maybe hanging out all naked all night ;-) felt great.

Oh and almost forgot....remember I had a breakdown at work yesterday?
Well the lady who I was confessing to yesterday (big wig). She called me last night on my cell. She told me that she is so so proud of me for coming so far (some praises about my work) and she confessed to me that her husband (Officer) is a full blown alcoholic. That he has been drinking for the last 8 years and it has been so bad that he is drinking at work. How he gets by with that I have no idea....
Anyway.....she told me that she would be so happy if he would ever take the "step" that I did. She was crying on the phone....
This was all kinda unconformable knowing all these things about a superior, but afterwords I felt so much better (bad for her). But I am understanding now that I do not have to be perfect. NOBODY IS!!!! Not even my Management!
With this in mind, I am going into the next year, CLEAN!
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1416133 tn?1351126817
It just goes to show you that things are not always what they seem.  I always used to think that people were better off than me, living life without needing drugs to get by.  However, over time, I have learned of many of their addictions and vices.  We're all human, no matter what we do in life.  And all prone to addiction.  I'm not sure why we need to think that we're not as good as others because we have a problem.  Such a stigma attached to addiction but it should be treated like any other health condition.  And there shouldn't be any shame in it.  I hope someday the shame associated with this problem goes away.  I think its the shame that keeps us sick for so long.
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1523327 tn?1295406570
Amen!!!
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1481358 tn?1288298691
sweet! You gave it some time. Time is way over looked when it comes what you need to quit. With out the right amount of time it sure is hard. Its nice to see you guys are doing what it takes.
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help/prayer/advice?

not a good start for new year's eve guys. i'm not sure if it's the chest cold i have, lack of sleep, or just an overall weak me, but i am struggling bad. i feel so nervy. just going from one room to the next is a struggle. thinking of the future, i.e. job, paying a bill, finishing a class, makes me cringe and ball up in a sobbing mess. i feel so bad for wasting my family's vacation. i'm so tempted to go to Urgent Care (psuedo emergency room) and just taking whatever i have to to get my nerves and confidence back. my wife needs a husband, not a child, and my kids need a dad, not a little brother.

i'm sorry guys. i just don't know what is supposed to be "normal." i've taken everything you've said about aftercare to heart. it's not that i crave oxy, i crave a stable mind, the ability to sleep, and a life. i told my wife a bit ago that i don't care if its crack cocaine, i just want my life back. damn
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I hope you are doing better today. Good days, bad days. I cant stress how beneficial the 5HTP can be for clarity and serenity. Just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. God bless.
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Hey dude what your experiencing is quite normal we sort of go into an emotional roller coaster after we detox there will be times that nothing seam right and life seams hopeless
you will cry at even a sad song on the radio and then theirs the energy crash you seam like you cant move...you need to force yourself to exorcise start with a walk around the block the fresh air will also do you some good you can work your way up from there I found good nutrition very important and we can eat what we need I started drinking whey protein shakes 2 a day there loaded with vitamins essential amino acids as well as the protein all  of witch the brain needs to heal you can pick up a 2lb can up at walmart for 15 bucks the chocolate flavor is good and all you do is mix it with milk,,....I only wish I found this earlier in my recovery it makes a difference other then that....and im sure your sick of hearing it is it takes time to get well oxy is ruff to come off of but trust me you will start to sleep again and the other symptoms will start to go away good luck and God bless,,,,,Gnarly      
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1523327 tn?1295406570
David,

How are you doing?
give me a update plz! I been thinking about you all morning! did you go to the ER?
Last night was hard for me, everyone was drinking, smoking weed, having a good time.
And there I was, just being sober. But I pulled through, Im just glad right now 2010 is over and I can start on a fresh page.

I am sorry you are struggling so much !
today for me is a big cleaning day.
All the Christmas stuff has to be put up and getting everything ready and organized again for school.

but I will be checking on you all through the day on you. I am feeling for you! And I am praying for you and your family

Your friend Berit
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Thanks everyone. Not better. Not really. Didn't go to the ER, but I had to take sleeping pills to sleep. They were OTC, but I took double the recommended dosage. It's about noon, and I feel just as delapidated as ever. What's worse is that I can see the wear and tear on April. She looks like she has lost hope. This is tearing my heart out. She leans on me so much. She is a stay at home mom and does a wonderful job with our three kids (and one due in June/July). I basically work two jobs and am in school full-time. I go back to "everything" on Jan 10, and I'm am deathly afraid.

Anyway, I can't drink/eat any dairy products, so I can't do the whey shakes. I have start a multi-vitamin, but I couldn't do the treadmill yesterday because of my chest congestion. I took a short walk to the store yesterday and it was so hard on me body. I might try the treadmill today since my chest seems a little better.

I don't discount what anyone has said about time. I honestly just think or feel like maybe irrepairable (sp?) damage has been done. I don't know what to do. I have pockets of "okay" time where I can play Wii video games with my boys, and I eat sporadically, but all in all, I'm a curled up sobbing mess. Pray for me.
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617347 tn?1331296681
you will turn around this corner ....it seems each one of us has a day when things get better, i will pray for yours to come soon, David...btw, there are soy shakes with the same aminos and vitamins, just in case you want them. Hang in, David
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Thank you. It wasn't long after your post that I went to GNC to get the soy powder. I can't say today/tonight was easy, but I did do another mile (25 minutes) on the treadmill, and took my family out for pizza. My wife could tell it was hard for me to sit there. The right side of my head started tingling and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I was convinced I was going to the ER after we got back from dinner. BUT, I hung in there, drank my lemonade, ate a little and calmed down some. I made it home, played Wii with my boys, and now am preparing for church tomorrow. I'm very tired. Still in pain. But I guess it's another day in the books.

It was weird. I looked at so many people in the restaurant in envy. They all looked so happy and healthy and normal. I pray God would have mercy, that I may be normal one day soon.
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Hey dude ok I see from what you said you cant do the whey protein shakes we need to get some amino acids in your body look to the lower right of the screen under heath pages
and look up the amino acid protacall ...you need to get these amino acids in your system it will help you heal your brain right now it is lacking key ingredients to you feeling better
thats why I like the whey protein it contains a lot of what you need I know this is a struggle for you it was for me also so you got to give your body what it needs to fight back GNCwill have everything you need keep posting and hang in there dude better days are ahead
good luck and God bless.....Gnarly....btw never under estimate the healing power of God
he got me where im at and life is a beautiful place once again  
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1523327 tn?1295406570
Sorry David I was not more active "there" for you yesterday.
It was such a busy day, and the cleaning took so much out of me, I fell asleep and slept most of the afternoon, it felt so good.

Today ( it is 01:35 right now) Im going to church for the first time in a long time.
I found a church I think I feel ok with, some friends are taking me and my family along.
Im nervous but happy to feel closer to him!

I will be praying for you and your family,
I did not know April is having a baby! Congrats, what a strong and brave women, 4 kids and the household that's a huge job!

I was going to tell you something about the soy products. try a little of it first. Eric is also very Lactose intolerant, he can not even drink a little creamer in his coffee or even have just one bite of ice cream without getting very sick.
Anyway, we tried the soy products on him for calcium and vitamin D. OMG, he got so so horribly gassy is was crazy, and it smelled like nothing I have ever smelled before. It was unbearable, he smelled like that for like 24 hours. I wanted to lock him into the garage lol. so be careful, and just try a little first and see what your tummy does.

Hope you are sleeping well tonight, Im going to try to get some more sleep to, its hard cause I am nervous about church tomorrow, Im so worried to be around all those people tomorrow. what if I get anxiety or panic? Im still having a lot of anxiety problems......

Please remember you are not alone! You did so well today, you did babysteps today,
also please remember he will not put anything on you that you can not handle!

Big Hugs,

Berit
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Super weak today. Pretty discouraged. The ironic part is that my back feels a little better, but anytime I think of the future, I shudder. I wish I had this glowing report to give everyone. I'm not sure I would have embarked on giving up oxy if I knew I would not be healed by 2 weeks time. Tomorrow is day 14, and i'm tired of taking sleeping pills to sleep, tired of being weak for my family, tired of crying for no reason, and just plain ashamed and tired. i thought so much of going back on oxy today, but i'm haunted by the thought of going through ALL THIS hell for nothing. I genuinely figure I averaged 45mg of oxy per day for 13 months, and keep rationalizing how that's "not so bad." yeah right.

Sorry guys for all this stuff. I think this post is so long, not sure anyone's reading anyway. love, david
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617347 tn?1331296681
yes, there are people reading your posts, David but it is true you culd start a new one to make easier reading the new posts.

It is a good sign that your back feels better, i think that once you are not in so much pain from it, you will start feeling better overall :)

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1523327 tn?1295406570
David, I put a tag on every message that you send on every post, it tells my phone and then I go see if you are ok.

But yeah start a new post, so we do not have to scroll down to much anymore, Im getting to lazy for it. But still I will scroll all day to read your messages if I have to, cause you are one of the ppl the helped me to be where I am right now. I am here.....readying your messages EVERY TIME!

Dont give up your not alone! And this is not BS its from the bottom of my heart!

Big hugs,

Berit
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1531526 tn?1330739676
Hey David and Berit -
I am the biggest believer that all things really do happen for a reason. Most of the time, it's not apparent for a while what the purpose in certain things are, but they happen and then something good or meaningful will shine through. That's why I think the both of you found each other on this forum at the time you did. I've been following and reading this (yes David, lots of people read, but maybe start a new one?) since it began. And although I've sent you guys both personal messages, I've never said what is so obvious to me now: you guys are like yin and yang to each other..One of you is having a bad day, the other balances it out by encouraging and vice versa. You guys are doing such a great job, and you have each other to lean on or lift up, whatever the moment calls for. You're both doing an amazing job and all the credit goes to both of you for facing this head on and kicking it in the balls! You're putting up an amazing fight, and you're giving others inspiration to go one more hour or day or week. They see you guys and what you've been through and are going through, and it gives them hope to push a little harder. Look how far you've come - you should both give your aching backs a big pat! Keep going, I know it's grueling. But just when you sound like you're not able to push another step out, you do. This is really putting you through the biggest challenge physically and now mentally. I really hope, like others have posted, that you guys get into some kind of therapy or counseling or AA or NA meetings sooner than later. You've pushed through WAY too much. You've come too far. Now start relying on some aftercare. Berit, look how much it helped you to lean on a coworker..now imagine doing that with a substance abuse counselor or sponsor..? You'd have a chance to really get to the bottom of things and you'll be so thankful you did. You can have that too David, if you confide in someone, like a sponsor or therapist. I know it doesn't seem like right now that you'd gain much out of it, but just try it and you'd be amazed at how much it helps. Hell, it helps 'normal' people even feel better and resolve lots of issues. So yes, start a new thread and we'll keep reading and posting..we would anyway, but like Berit said, we're getting lazy with having to scroll down the page so far!! ...how sad are we??!!! LOL.....but I said a prayer for the both of you and anyone else going through a struggle, that they will find peace of mind, like you said you want so bad David. It will come, I promise! But maybe to push it a little faster, talk to a professional substance abuse counselor, addicitonologist, therapist, or sponsor, etc. God bless you both, we're pulling for you!!! You'll do this, you ARE doing this...xo
Alison
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Hey!  Please don't be discouraged!  That is a quick way to get miserable!!!!  The fatigue, or weakness and inability to sleep well will get better at around 3 to 4 weeks if I remember right when I detoxed from oxy a few years ago.  If you can hang in for a little longer or start some good exercise that will help!

Please hang on!  It does get better!
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Hi guys. The night (at 8:30pm) is going ok. Again, my back is feeling a little better. I'm almost positive my back and neck pain are related to stress and anxiety. The MRI I had last year didn't "show much." Certainly not enough for them to order surgery. The pain was/is real, but right now it's ebbs and flows.

Anyway, I'm praying for sleep tonight without sleeping pills, but I may need at least one (OTC).

I wanted you all to keep me in your thoughts. When I went to the ER 12 days ago for Ambien, they made me an appointment with my Dr. for tomorrow at 10am. I'm not sure I even want to go. I don't want EXTRA anit-anxiety meds since I've been on Klonopin for so long. (.05mg 2 times a day).

Anyway, I love you all and I will start the new thread Monday or Tuesday IF I'm up to it. I feel like there is not much else you guys can tell me, but I don't want you to think I am just tossing out the advice. It's just hard to get from one room to the next some moments. I'll put the name hiskidd somewhere in the new thread. God bless you all.
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617347 tn?1331296681
David, i had a lot of problems with sleep,.... it is one of those things lingering longer... rls, lack of energy , motivation and sleep were with me for weeks ... take each day at a time ...sleep will come with time and i can say that i had no problems to leave the melatonin behind so don't worry about taking them for now, please..
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