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Advice for a year of Oxy
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Advice for a year of Oxy

I've been on oxy ocs for 13 months. I've never exceeded 60mgs in a day (10 mos of 20s twice a day, then 3 months of 30s twice a day.) I ran out of ocs and didn't care to use the ops. I had some Opana 10s, and when I took my last oxy on Sunday, I used two of the Opana 10s on Monday. Today (Tuesday), I haven't taken anything. In fact, I flushed the Opana and about 8 ox ops I had left down the toiled. I feel horrible. My back. My mind. My stomach. I'm not sure how to cope or how long it will last. I have three kids - 6, 4, and 2 - and don't want to ruin their Christmas being locked in my room sweating. My wife is trying to help, but I keep pushing her away. Any advice?
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They would never recover from losing you with or without the money, hiskidd ... I can assure you that during wds our minds are our worst enemies, it is not only that we feel down and depressed , it is that all our thoughts are sort of catastrophic thoughts and we can not see any light at the end of the tunnel. Try not to over think, i know it is really difficult not doing it but in some days all those thoughts will be different, don't trust your mind now at all...you will see th end of this tunnel and will be in a much better frame of mind. This rebound pain is also hurting you really bad, take another hot bath, whatever you are taking for the pain and some more valerian root which is for anxiety and will help to relax a little but please, do not lose your hope nor your fightiing spirit, today  too shall pass ...
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi!  Read the Thomas recipe in the health pages. Take lots of hot baths and drink Gatorade and apple juice.  Get some imodium (immodium) and take as needed. The Thomas recipe has great info for detox help. If you don't take any more pills then you will be some better by weekend I'd say.

Good luck!  It'll be ok!  ;-)
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks for replying. The recipe had some comments that seemed helpful as well. All I can say right now is "I'll try." I meant to mention in my post that my oxy was taken orally as prescribed for back pain issues, but addicted is addicted right?
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Avatar_f_tn
Right!  Or at least dependent. Really all that matters is that you get off of it safely.  And you can do this!  You have to keep a positive attitude all the way through, and be sure you have some good support!
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Avatar_m_tn
I had enough strength to do the treadmill this morning, and then again a little while ago followed by a hot bath. I got out of the bath with my world spinning and my body feeling worse than ever. I can't stop crying, aching, etc. *****. My wife has my prescription for oxy30 ops. I'm tempted to have her go fill it right now just to make it though the holidays, but I know that is fatal thinking. I can smell the oxy on my arms, hands, breath, so I think it must be at least starting to exit. I hope a couple of OTC sleeping pills will help me sleep tonight. Thank you. You're like a lone voice in the darkness right now. I promise not to burden you, it's just a tough night.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey don't think your burdening anyone. I've been through the withdrawals twice in the past 2 yrs and I know what your going through. I'm set to do it again in a matter of days. Your almost there, keep pushing through. For me hot baths helped a ton. Your almost there!! You'll get tons of support here and post as much as you need to okay?
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Avatar_f_tn
Forgot to mention why I've been through the hell of detox 2x.. I never got after care. Whether it be NA or a counsellor. Aftercare is VERY important in staying clean. It's a mistake I won't make a third time. Hope when your well enough you seek out help. Your making the best decision of your life right now and very soon will feel so much better.
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Avatar_m_tn
HI Tram has given you good advise tonight might be a little ruff most people dont sleep wile going threw this the hot baths will help out bthe most with most of the symptoms you got about a total of 4 days of this to go threw to make it to the other side..I to got addicted taking the pills for a bad back its no fun being dependent on the pills eventually it crosses over to abuse nere the end I was taking them by the handful its good your getting off b/4 you wind up there right now a positive attitude is going to be the best thing you can bring to the table
hang in there im up late if you need someone to take to im on from 10pm till 12 am mountain time I just had a few free minutes so I thought I would see whats going on....we do home detoxes everyday will help you get threw this just hang in there...I hope you sleep but I wouldn't count on it I will check back later to see if your on good luck and God bless....Gnarly  
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you guys. I didn't know someone could get so hot and then so cold and then hot again. And I didn't know how the emotions would follow the exact same trend. I'm glad I checked this - this is my first day posting on a forum like this - and I was thinking about cutting the new oxy ops in half and trying that. This would take my wife going out in the rain to get my prescription filled. Then, I remembered how as my oxy ocs were running out, I started trying to get every little spec off of the pill cutter. Op or oc, it's still going to be some form of the drug. My back pain persists, but I don't need this anymore. I don't want this anymore. I think you're right about sleep. I haven't taken my sleeping helps yet, but I feel so "up" in agony right now, I doubt they make a dent. Here's hoping.  
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Avatar_m_tn
And thanks for saying I wasn't bugging and all the good advice. I seriously felt/feel like a whining burden, and almost shut down my computer for the night. Thank you for caring about complete strangers. If I get better, I won't forget.
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Avatar_f_tn
Goodness, you don't need to feel like a burden!  We all went through it.  It's a rough few days, but it's necessary to get to the other side.  Just hang out with us around here!  You will get so much help! : )
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm hurting. Don't know what else to do. Took sleeping pills and seems like it was taking a placebo. Maybe going from oxy Ocs to Ops will be a way of tapering? After all, they were prescribed and I'm taking as directed, right? Or am I just telling myself that? Everything smells like the stuff. My shirt, my blanket. I'm not hungry at all. Barely even thirsty. Tired of the pain.
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Avatar_f_tn
Don't give up!  You can get through this.  Nights are the WORST!  If you can't sleep, don't dwell on it.  That's the worst thing you can do.  Can you get up and go watch TV on the couch or something?  Turn on some lights and act like you don't care if you sleep or not!  That is what I had to do.....kind of play a trick on your brain.  Change your clothes.  Use another blanket.  Put one in the dryer and get in a comfy position and watch TV.  The OTC sleeping pills can actually make you more restless if you aren't careful.  They did me at least.  And if you aren't hungry, you don't have to eat, but you DO have to drink.  Just sip on something.  You might also try a hot shower or bath.  

Just some ideas!
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Avatar_f_tn
I lived in the bath! The hot water was sooo soothing and I added Epsom salts to push magnesium into me to help the muscle pains. And if restless legs is driving you nuts get some Hylands restful legs from the health food store. And a banana or two can help. When the runs hit get some immodium. Just things I remember that helped me before and that will no doubt help again. Wds are just horrible but they don't last forever, just a few days. After that every day will get exponentially better. And you'll "feel" again, not to get too personal but be prepared for your sex life to make a return in a big way if, like many others here, it vanished while on the oxys. Music will suddenly sound amazing and just everything in general will be felt with greater clarity. The pills numb us and put us into a foggy state and when that fog lifts it's a great thing. Also be prepared to be emotional for awhile. I swear I cried at everything. Those corny Hallmark commercials would have me bawling. Not kidding. Everyones different though and experiences it in thier own way. Keep posting and hang in there. The other poster is right, don't fill that script. That'll just prolong it and be temptation you don't need. The hardest call I had to make recently was the one to cancel my pain clinic appt. No more sources means much less mental agony when I make my jump. Your doing amazing and should be so proud. Drink lots of water and I found using vitamins, ester c in particular, helped me feel better. It's a natural detoxifier and very healthy stuff :) I took lots of it and by day 8 I had this glow!! Healthy clear eyes and skin no doubt from ridding myself of the poison but I'm sure the vitamins helped that process. Hope your able to catch a bit of sleep tonight but if not don't let it bother you too much. Throw on a funny movie or just lie in a comfy blanket and listen to some soft music. I spent the majority of my nights in a hot tub with the lights off and just a candle lit with some music on. If I wasn't in the midst of detox you'd have thought I was on a honeymoon lol. Keep posting, hey maybe post about all the positive things quitting will have in your life or just write it on paper to yourself. That can be really helpful in keeping a positive mindset (which was personally my toughest challenge) and the hot cold thing is such a pain in the ***. I ended up just wearing a heavy sweater with a tank top underneath so I could rip the sweater off when needed. And keep some spare sheets handy, I literally soaked them some nights. And yeah that smell-the smell of wd is yuck but a sure sign your body is doing what it's supposed to and ridding itself of that crud. Your doing great, keep posting :)
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Avatar_m_tn
Last night was hell. This morning isn't much better. My wife generously offered to sleep on the couch, but would come in to rub my back, offer me water, etc. All I did was writhe in agony. My lower back didn't all me to get comfortable at all. I slept a little off and on. I woke up from the last little nap wondering again if I'm doing the right thing. My back pain was so bad when I started the oxy and oxy was the only thing that helped. I'm still in the process of (waiting tor them) getting a physical therapy appt., maybe trying acupuncture, etc., but who knows? It's 9:48am Pacific and I just don't know what to do. I feel like if I go back to the pills until I get those other things going, it may help. I can't take much more. I don't think I can take much more. I would have never started 1 pill if I new what I was getting into. My doctor didn't even tell me about them, just saw the pain I was in and wrote away. Thank you guys again. I'm trying, but I keep thinking ahead to after vacation from work is over and all I have to do. I know oxy helped me get through 2010 in many regards. I'm just blabbling now. I'll post again later.
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I'm almost to the give up point. This is horrible. I'm so confused. I'm sipping apple juice when I can and water. Eating a few crackers here and there. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm going to get better. I haven't taken any oxy since Sunday night and two 10mg Opana on Monday eve, so I don't know if this is day 2 or 3. I can't sleep, get up, get comfortable, stop whining, the works. I'm so scared right now. I don't want to take oxy anymore, but I don't want to be in withdrawals or have the backpain after the withdrawals. Not sure what to do.
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HEY, I was trying to look around for you posts, I found them.
did you say you licked all of the specks off the pill cutter?
How funny, this is what I was thinking I should do, take the pill bottles fill them just enough with hot water close it, shake it, and drink out of it. LOL this is how bad I have it.

Last night was hell too for me. I was wondering all night, Is there anyone else out there who feels as lausy as I am? Then I was thinking about me Dr in germany who makes housecalls. I wanted him so bad last night just give me a shoot of whatever and put me out of my misery. (but of cause no housecalls here, espessaly for adiggs)

This morning I totally lost it, woke up throwing up again, and crying unconrolably,
My husband lost it and told me to get dressed and go sit in the dr. office today and withdraw there, so they can see what they made out of me. we had a big fight!
crying crying crying again!

I am so scared of going back to work, on Monday, because I do not know if I can do my job without drugs. I did not take them during the day only when I got home but still Im scared.

Thank you so much about everything you posted so honestly, I think we might even get through this. If we can just stop about thinking about the pills we could take to make it better. It is 11:18 pacific, and yes I also do not know what to do, Im waiting for the "better" day.
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OMG I was writing with my laptop on my lap laying in bed, and did not spell check after I was done. In real time I would be embarrassed as hell. but for right now im writing it down as another symptom "bad spelling in the later morning hours"












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Avatar_m_tn
Yes about the pill cutter. I think I'm still trying to rationalize getting the prescription. I feel so lousy. Who knew something could get inside you enough to want to own you. Monday is a long way away for you. I think if you make it to Friday, you will see the difference they talk about. I don't think so many different people would say the same thing for nothing. I'm right there with you about the typing and the doctor. I thought of going to try and see him, but knowing him, he will say something like, "I just gave you a prescription. You're not supposed to go off until I tell you." All he's ever done is stuff like that. A shot of something to go to sleep would be a godsend. I'm not comfortable laying down, standing up, walking sitting, in the bath, nowhere! And yes, today is worse than yesterday. However, this HAS to be progress. It CAN'T stay like this forever. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can totally empathize and will pray for you. God hasn't forgotten us. You and I are in this together in a way. I hope we don't fail. Keep posting. Keep being selfish until you get better. This is your time.
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Avatar_m_tn
I just ate a banana. I keep thinking about my treadmill, but I feel so weak. I wanted to know if you guys think it's okay to take Advil, Aleve, and the like. I took the Advil will the sleeping pills last night, and early, early this morning, but to no real avail. My wife is out with our kids now, and I know one phone call could mean she brings home a bottle of Oxy Ops. She told me I shouldn't take them because I'll have to go through this again. I'm soooo sick. I don't know if I should listen to her or not. I need to sleep and can't. Eat and can't. Drink and can barely do that. Everything is going to shut down after tomorrow for Christmas eve and Christmas. Should I go to my doctor now. Do rehab in the summer?
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Avatar_f_tn
Thing is you are sooo close to being through the physical stuff. Your wifes right. If you really want to wait and detox later on after the holidays I'd suggest letting someone hold onto your script and give them to you as prescribed.  
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plz dont tell me you filled it!
plz pull through this with us! Please (crying) I feel like I  can not do this anymore if you fold. funny thing, I kind of feel connected in some way with the struggle you are going through. Because I am right there with you.
I look at the PC like every hour how you are holding up and it gives me streangth.
I do not go to church, but I grew up in a very religiones family.
I had my christening, and a confirmation when I was a teen and felt close to god then.
Kind forgot about him in the last few years and it is hard for me to find a church here in the states that is "cozy" enough for me to be confteble.
All these years through cancer treatment, leaving my family in germany and things like that, I Knew the whole time that he will not put anything on my I can not handle.
And this is one of those things...........he is pushing me to the limit her, and I told him many times last night. But he knows how far I can really go.
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Avatar_m_tn
It's so awful
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Avatar_m_tn
I haven't filled it or told her too, but I'm squirming and second guessing myself at every minute.
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Avatar_m_tn
Don't give up. I'll hang in there. I feel the same thing. If you give in, I might. I'm looking at every excuse now. It hurts so bad.
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1523327_tn?1295406570
Take some advil, or Tylenol, did you take anything over the counter for the pain to take the edge off?
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Avatar_f_tn
You can take OTC's to help. Motrin worked well and somebody recently told me about passionflower extract as being very helpful for the anxiety. You could get it from a health food store.

Keep going! The end is in sight . I went from 160 mgs a day down to 80 mgs and feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck and those things are helping.

You both are doing awesome and keep on keeping on!!
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617347_tn?1331296681
take a hot bath, eat some bananas and a hotmilk glass, watch some comedy movie ... whatever to keep your mind not thinking about the pills. There is something called rebound pain meaning your back pain may feel worse right now after quitting the pills but it will get better with the days...

hang in, both of you, hiskidd and kuckma... having a buddy going through wds is great, and keep posting and venting if you need to.. all the best !! :)
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How are you holding up?
the kids just came crawing into my bed and I made myself playing a game of connect four. I do not feel like I want anyone to talk to me. And if they do I can not focus.

I had one banana first thing I ate for a while, I been sipping on diluted orange juice (dont know I just needed to have Orange Juice)

Feel pretty worthless right now, I hear the kids playing Wii in the living room. And here I am withdrawing from Drugs. If you would have told me 2 years ago that I am going to be an addict I would not have believed it. I was always scared of taking anything the dr gave me cause I was worried its guna make me feel weird. Here I am been feeling weird for quiet a while now. And super weird since I left the other Weirdness behind me....

Sorry just going on and on right now.....

Gotta question....how much "expose" yourself on here? Do you know each others names? Or does this have to be very "secretive"? LOL Gawd im such a dork














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1523327_tn?1295406570
Hey, I just took some Magnesium,B1 and some Passion flower extract,
about 45 min ago.
I feel good enough to walk around right now
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm glad you're there. This is def not getting better. Bath, banana, or whatever it is, it still hurts and is awful, so I'm glad you're doing better. I took some 10-15 minute naps but now I'm wide awake and trying to eat a little. I am in the exact boat with my kids. I can hear them playing and their mom told them that I loved them, but that I was just sick. Time is going by so slow. I feel at my weakest about the prescription.

Are you saying the B1 and passion flower helped (or you think it helped) you get up and about a bit? I'll check back a little later. Gonna try and watch something on netflix to occupy my mind.
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Avatar_m_tn
Just was checking on you sounds like your in acute withdrawals its going to be this way for a wile but after a couple of days you will see the light...CANCEL that prescription no safety nets aloud your ether all in or this ant going to work your doing  good so far but that script will call your name when your at you lowest point usually after a couple of nights of no sleep
hang in ther and keep posting for support YOU CAN DO THIS.......Gnarly
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Hello Hiskidd and Kuckma, I know how you are feeling right now but this will pass. I was on oxy for 7 years at 80 mg 3X/day and I quit CT. I know from experience what you are going through and it's terrible but don't give up you are going to turn the corner anyday now. It takes alot of courage to do what you are doing right now and I am very proud of you. Hiskidd Do not fill the evil oxy prescription, you will pull through this I know you have the strenght to do it. I am praying for you and asking God to give both of you the strength and resolve to make it to the otherside. You will thank yourself after you are through this for getting your life back for you and your family. Hang in there and if you just want to get things out send me a message anytime as we are ALL here for you and will help you get through this. God Bless---Rick
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you. I still have chills, back pain, restlessness, but I was able to eat another banana, drink some apple juice, and eat a few crackers. I believe you guys about the prescription. I had hoped I'd hit my lowest point by now, but who knows. I've never "cancelled" one before, but I guess I could have my wife rip it up, so it would be a lot of work to get a new one. That or call the dr.'s office tomorrow. Honestly, I do feel "all in," and it would break me down to know I've suffered this hell, missed days with my kids that I can't get back, just to end up taking the pills. I don't want or need that. Thank you for the advice and prayers. This little website is such a big help. Someone wrote something about reading these so you won't get blindsided. If I hadn't read them, I would have gotten blindsided and filled that prescription for sure. Thank you. Watching a movie in bed, rocking my legs back and forth, but feel a slight better than I did before noon today. That's when I thought it was over.
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Avatar_m_tn
As soon as I thought I was getting a little better, I started feeling worse and worse and worse. What's up with that. I had strength to shave and thought I was turning a corner, but I guess I turned another wrong corner.
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1523327_tn?1295406570
hey, how is it now?
I had the same thing going on earlier.I was walking around, did the dishes and put in a load of laundry, and all of the sudden the anxiety hit me hard.
Pain, dry hives, shivering again.
I sat on my bed and just rocked back and forth like a mental patient.
I was sweaty all over and I felt like life is going to end.
My husband almost carried me into the bathroom and put me into the bathtub.
Felt like so good not perfect but better.
Im laying in bed again, rocking my feet back and forth just like you, Im also going to look for a Net flicks movie to watch.
Plz keep reading and posting, tomorrow will be day 4 for us! Day 4 it has to be over soon.
I feel like I need to give you my name its "Berit" (yes that's my first name) Is a Norwegian name
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Hiskidd & Kuckma they way you are feeling now with the ups and down is all part of w/d. Pretty soon you will start feeling more up than down so hang in there I'm pulling for you both. I know that exercise is the last thing you feel like doing now but it really helps speed up recovery. So keep on keepin on your both soooo close. God Bless---Rick
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That's a great name. I'm David. Thank you and thank you Rick. I almost missed the exercise part. I have a treadmill, but not the will. Maybe soon...

I'm somewhere in between the two extremes of the day right now, which is still not very good. The thought of trying to make it through a night haunts me. My body is so fatigued but my brain and pain are wide awake. Berit, I watched Goodwill Hunting because I never got around to seeing it. I had to pause it a lot to writhe in pain, walk around a bit, take a bath, and the like, and now I'm on another movie. I'm glad you wrote the hopeful statement about tomorrow. Day 4. I'm calling it my day 4 since I last took Oxy on Sunday and since you just said it. I took a small amount of Opana on Monday, but it didn't help much, and when Tuesday came around and the real pain and anxiety hit, I decided to flush the opana and 8 oxy op down the toilet literally. Anyway, I'll keep posting, and IF I make it, I won't forget this site or these people. This is my experience going through anything like this, and like I said, I would have given up for sure if not for this place.
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Nice to meet you  David, I found a movie I to take my mind off.
The constant leg moving is still going on, the pain is manageable right now.
Im taking some herbal stuff start with a M like Melatonin or something like that to help me sleep.
I hope so much the night is going to be over fast. Nights scare me, no one there to distract me, I feel lonely and lost at night. Just me and my withdraw.
I check on you later, remember day 4 is ahead......we did it four days without pills.
Never thought I could do it
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hi the 2 of you are doing really good it alway good to find a detox partner someone about where you are you guys are right on the edge of getting better once your over the hump things will start to turn around for you by Christmas you should be feeling a world better
I alway write these so if you get up at 3am and your withdrawals are driving you mad
I just want to encourage you to keep pushing forward many of us myself included have been where you are good luck and God bless.....Gnarly
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Avatar_m_tn
bad, bad, bad night. back pain so bad i can't get comfortable in any position. can't sleep. could really use a pill right now. thank God my prescritpion never got filled. if i had them in my bathroom i would break. i don't know if i can make it and Im not just saying that. so tired, and so awake. how does that happen? Lord, help me.
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Avatar_m_tn
HEY Dude your going to make it part of what your feeling is rebound pain your brain is use to having narcotics to produce endorphin now its going to have to produce it on its own this is going to take a wile once it dose your pain clock sorta resets itself and things like motrin or advil will start to work right now your in acute withdrawal your body is going to do anything to get the drug including create pain get in a hot tub and soak you may need to do this several times a day...you mines as weel roll up on the couch with a blanket turn on some soft music and close your eyes and just get lost in the music it may be the closest thing to sleep you get....remember this is only temporary and get use to the saying...you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile hang in ther dude your doing good I know exactly what it feels like to be where your at it will pass i promise....prayer helps Jesus heres those that cry out his name pray for strength to go threw it and pray that the withdrawals subside...good luck and God bless.....Gnarly
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David, im still up too, anxiety and the leg pain will not let me rest.
Getting into the tub AGAIN hope we still have hot water

Keep watching movies, that what I do, i am so glad the pharmacy is closed right now!

once I know for sure I will never ever ever wanna do this again. I am not wishing this on my   worst enemy
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Movie is not working tonight for me anymore,
i cant focus
Trying Enya gnarly said that might work
I am hoping you are sleeping David
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Avatar_m_tn
I took some sleeping pills and got 2 hrs rest or so out it. It's awful. I'm gratetul to gnarly's post because I want my oxy so bad just to go to sleep. It's really bad right now at 3:32 am.
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are you taking the mineral supplements and the hylands restful legs ? they both help with muscle aches and the restless legs syndrom (syndrome). I was going to send a message to quittinoxys because he knows how to deal with back pain without the pills so that you wouldn't get discouraged by the rebound pain you are feeling now. But i see he is here :)

i also took valerian root and melatonin to help me with sleep ....

hang in, hiskidd and kuckma !!!! :)
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you, Laurel. I got some pockets of sleep, but woke up scared to death of two things: 1. Back pain is why I was originally given these pills. 2. Even though it was just over a year, I can't remember how to do life without them. The pain, the stress, the responsibilities. If I didn't have this time off, I wouldn't even be in wd, because I couldn't have just hugged up in a cave. Anyway, I feel a tiny bit better, but my body is still so exhausted. I wish I could sleep for 12 hours straight. Today is the last day before things shut down. I wonder if I should go to the doctor or do my first accupuncture today or just keep doing what I've been doing. Any advice would be appreciated.

Oh, and no on the mineral supps and other stuff. I've just done hot baths, bananas, crackers, and apple juice.
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does anyone know if prescription sleep aids help? today is the worst day of all.
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HI most prescription sleep aids are highly addictive there is one I can think of thats not its called trasadone now this stuff works for some but not for others many of our members
have had good luck with it....really though time is going to be the thing that heals you
not sleeping is just a fact of life going threw this eventually you will start to sleep again first it will be a couple of hrs then broken up sleep then finely 5 or 6 hrs then a normal nights sleep personally I havent got pat 6hr since I detoxed and that was 14mo ago your best bet is just to grind it out that way your normal sleep habit can start to take back over I wish you luck with this ...this is one of the hardest parts of detox to deal with.......Gnarly
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why didn't my doctor warn me? i was in excruciating pain, but this *****. I want a life back. Not to be sitting here shriveled up crying and ashamed. I'm so tired and afraid. I hope and pray I can live without these pills. evil pills.
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hey hey first of all big big HUG (((((()))))))
You are doing so so good!
Focus just a little, you are so far into this now! We CAN not go back, we just CANT!!

Hey listen, do you remember ( sorry I am just very honest and yeah Humble) how constipated you where all the time?
Remember how the kids talk to you and you are "not all the way there"?
Remember falling asleep way to early at night without interacting because you had to get your fix right when you got home ( and this time a little too much)
Remember how your sex life was???? Remember? Wasnt that so much better?
Not to talk about the Headaches ( that I always had) and constant feeling tired and not rested in the morning!

Think about the things that **** you off to no end about your pills. It took me a long time to think of anything bad about them. Because I love them so so much!

Plz clear you mind just for a minute and think.....if you can write them down....thats what I did! And again big big HUGS U are doing so good!

I am at a point today that I can get up, I walk around and cry, do little chores and cry,
not out loud just tears running down my cheeks. Even as I write this. It does not matter how we got into this! But its time to get out!!! U WANT OUT!!! and I know it!!!
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Oh dear god, oh dear god oh my god!!!!!!

Walgreens just texted my that regular Norco Priscription (prescription) is ready.
Oh dear god I am freaking out my body is hot and cold my arm are numb!

Plz get some ducktape and tape me down somewhere! Oh dear god!
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Can you call someone and reach out for support? You know you don't really want them...go back and read your own words to hiskidd, maybe it will help to see your journey. Don't let all this be for nothing...
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Hey guys, you're actually doing great. Very soon you're going to take a look around your surrounding with a queer feeling like somethings not quite right. It'll then hit you that " Wait a minute! I know this feeling. I'm feeling better!"  Just like the addiction snuck up on you so will the realization that you've made it to the other side.

Kind of like when astronauts return back to earth from a space mission. The addiction is outer space. Coming back into radio contact with Shuttle control is the feeling better and finding peace again. The withdrawals are the 3 minute radio blackout where you feel scared and alone not knowing what lies on the other side. We all know you're going to be fine but we can't do the withdrawals for you. That's a ride you have to take yourself. In the meantime we're all here waiting with baited breath hoping you don't screw with the controls and take a U-turn back into outer space.

Getting you're feet back on the ground is such a thrill. At the end of all of this you're going to wonder why you waited so long to get it over with.
You already know deep down the drug use has to stop. Keep using long enough and the amount you take on a daily basis will double, then it will triple, and quadruple, etc.... until it kills you. Liver failure, kidney failure, heart disease these are real threats at elevated levels of consumption. You can't afford the money spent at your current level so how would you ever pay for them when you begin taking 10 to 15 pills every 2 to 3 hours? Rob a pharmacy? A bank? That's where this addiction can take you.
So there's really no choice is there? Stay the course, keep grinding out the hours and you will make it to the other side of what you're going through right now.

You guys are so close now. Dig a little deeper if you need to but please don't give up. We're here for you every step of the way. Sobriety is a huge gift, go ahead, indulge in that gift.
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Don't get them! Please don't. I'm very weak typing this, but part of why I'm still at it is because of you. Please don't give in. Please.
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This may have been mentioned, but does anyone know if niacin is good for oxy withdrawals? my wife picked up that and valerian root for me. trying anything.....
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Not sure about the niacin but someone else may be along soon that's tried that. The valerian root should help to calm you. Passionflower extract is also supposed to be helpful for the anxiety. Your both doing great!

Kuckma.. Cancel that script, way too much temptation if you don't. Mentally this will be a lot easier if you get rid of all pill sources. You've come so far! Don't leave anything to chance, cancel and don't look back at them. YOU ARE DOING THIS!! :-)
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OK, Ok im still here!

I did not get it.....I went into the garage sat in my car closed the windows and doors and screamed, yelled and cried, Im exhausted!

but I did not get it, while I was sitting in my car I was reading the posts of the last few days.
I do not want to do this again, NEVER!!!

I am feeling better today, I am walking around I even ate a french toast, but after I had some coffee, the runs started again.

My son has some assignments he needs to get done during winter break. that will be my distraction for the next few hours. I will help him with his poster presentation and maybe even have dinner ready when hubby gets home. Nothing big....but I have not cooked for 5 days now. And I need to take some work off his hands.

I WILL push myself today to not think about those evil pills anymore.
(BTW the screaming really helped, not very mature but very helpful)

Thank you for everyone who is rooting for me and my WD partner hiskidd!

I feel stronger now, did not know I have willpower that goes that far!

Oh one more thing....I am a smoker.....I smoke cigarettes only 2 or 3 a day...anyway while I was sitting in my
car, I felt like smoking, so I light one (did not smoke for 4 days now) it was  YUCK Double, triple YUCK.

I might have killed two flys in one swat! how cool is that.
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To everyone. I know you all will go "dark" for Christmas eve and Christmas the next two days, but please remember kuckma and myself in your prayers. Nothing is easier. Really. BUT, I will say I have been through so much hell, that I don't want to go back. I will never get this time with my wife and kids back, so these days are not going to go for not. Nothing seems to help, but I know someone on here said every second that passes is a second toward the healing. I want so badly to be healed. Someone wrote "I remember wanting to sell my soul for 1/2 hour of sleep." I no longer have sympathy, I have empathy. I know EXACTLY what that feels like. God bless you all for helping "the least of these."
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Very cool Kuckma!! Very cool indeed!! Your doing awesome and KUDOS! It took alot of guts and determination to turn down that script. But seriously it was the best choice you ever could have made. It's a hard thing to do but really necessary to kick this **** for good.

Your on your way back to your life. Enjoy every minute of it!!
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I am so ticked off to no end right now!!!!!! No f***** end!
SO I am texting Hubby three hours ago that I am tempted to get my scriped. And ask him to plz come home from work earlier so he can help me get through this.

He comes home and says "We are leaving start packing"
What the hell? I am too weak to wipe my own butt and he wants me to pack an go WHERE?

Apparently he got scared, called his brother in Idaho and his brother (who is a pharmacist) tells him to bring the family to his house (out in the freaking boonies). he thinks that his brother can help me get over this and wants me to finish the WD there!
Not only did he share my problem with someone who had no business knowing but I have to go to his house and mope around!

I have no choice, I am afraid we will have a big blowout tonight, on our way to Idaho.
I so do not you want to sit in the car for hours but I do not want his brother see me like this.

I am more of a lets say "private" person, I do not let anyone know if I feel sick. I just put a mask on and move on.
He does not even have a TV, Internet and no cell phone reception.
He lives in a block house in the boonies with nothing but trees around.

I am so ticked off!! this is not what I need right now.
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I have been following your posts and believe me I understand everything you wrote. I am just a little over 3 weeks off opiates and I know exactly how you feel. Doing this over a holiday is tough. I screamed and cried many times, this is my first pill free chrismas in 15 years, not been easy at all. I don't have much more time than you but cancel any precriptions you have. That is finally what it took for me. I can't relapse again I still don"t feel good, if you follow my posts you will see I have struggled this whole way, but like you I won't go back. I forgot how to be happy without pills, I forgot how to live without pills!!!! I just wanted you to know you are both not alone I am out here struggling right along with you. Stay on here this website has saved my life, stay in the bathtub as much as possible with epsom salts. Also what helped me alot is heating pads on my legs, I had 3 at a time going. Also heating pad helps with the chills also. Go from the bath to the heating pad you will get some relief I promise. Remember you are not alone I am right here with you
                                                                            Love Mag
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Kuckma. I'm sorry. I will pray for you. I've been praying for your husband. Maybe their will be some wisdom you can't yet see on the other end. BUT, don't swap drugs for drugs. I've been reading about not using narcotics to get off of narcotics (at least from many - maybe it works for some), but if the pharmacist relative tells you to "take your drugs as your doctor directed...DON'T." That's part of why I didn't go to my Dr. I knew he would say that. Anyway, I'm still here. The Valerian root, and niacin are helping some. Please hang in there. Don't throw it all away out of anger or frustration. Please.

Mag, thank you. Thank you for sharing and caring. It feels like work just to get a bath going, but I will do it in about 10 minutes just based on your word. I will cancel the prescription, and will keep checking on the site... I can't help that last part.

Everybody - I can't thank you enough. But I do believe in a God who can. I'm not "better," but I think - for the first time in four days - I'm getting a little better. :)
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& Kuckma Hi guys! I have read through all of your posts and see you are slowly making progress. Good for you! I know the first few days suck badly but you are going to make it through and with each day that goes by, life will start looking a little better and better until you will start feeling incredible. It is such an amazing feeling when you know you are on the right path to recovery and I believe you both are. Keep going my friends! Keep going!

Teresa~
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HEY dude your threw the worst of it now comes the mind games remember I told you this is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental you need to prepare to fight on both fronts your addiction will be screaming for more pills cravings are common as is the way the addictive mind works you need to change the very way you think to overcome this now is the time for aftercare please dont try and skip this critical part of recovery we always speek well of both N/A and A/A because there free and many of our members myself included have been helped there
if you prefer one on one there are substance abuse conslors as well as addiction therapists most major health ins covers out pacent visits just plug in somewhere detoxing is only the beginning...a close walk with God has proved to be instrumental in my recovery and would recommend it to anyone prayer works its help keep me sober 14mo off opiates 5yr8mo off alcohol weed and everything else recreational ...I wish you all the best in your recovery stick around the forum for a wile and you will see what works and what dosent good luck and God bless......Gnarly  
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Last night I wanted to literally die if I couldn't sleep. I was begging for sleep. V-root, melonin, sleeping pills, nothing. While throwing away a prescription for oxy, my wife and I found one for Valium. I'd never taken it before, and then read up on it. How I didn't start taking that, I do not know, but when I read about it, I was glad I didn't. I can't make it much further. Maybe a trip to the E.R. for a shot of demoral or something? I gotta sleep. I can't do this without sleep. My family is (has to) do Christmas eve today without me because I'm laid up in a bed shaking and begging for sleep. I'm so tired. I'm so
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i am here if only to send you a big hug of strength , i wish i could help you more... some people take the valium, one has to be very careful not to get addicted to it but... anything but giving up... You may not be with your family  at dinner tonight bt you are fighting for them too and showing how much you love them and you are fighting  to have a healthier dad and husband, if only feel very proud of what you are doing tonight, from this suffering, something good will come
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David-

I just read this post. You've been in good hands with Gnarly. First,I'll tell you that "we" won't be "dark" today or tomorrow. I know I'll be checking in...so will Laurel and others. You'll see...

Now,about you:  Yes! You need sleep. No question. It will come in the form of naps and will refresh you. Take advantage of any nap.any time.

You need to drink!  It's probably THE most important thing you can do for yourself. I mean drink a gallon of water,juices,gatorade all day long. You'll flush the toxins,pee a bucket load,and smell better. Sit in a very warm tub several times a day. Take Motrin 800mg 3x per day.  Take vitamins with minerals. Get some Hylands Restfull legs at Walgreens for the RLS. Take IMMODIUM. It works on many levels!!! You'll see...

You need to eat something;especially with protein!!  Peanut butter toast?  Green tea is wonderful and is an anti oxident. You need to push yourself a little so try to be there for your family tonight.  So much of this is mental David. Just push on...you have a great wife so do it for her!!  I know you can do this...I've done it and I'm a HUGE BABY! But,I'm pretty strong now and hope I can send a little virtual strength your way!!

Keep posting and Merry Christmas!!

xo
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Im back, still W/D......
here is what happend.....
After 7 hours of driving, we got to his brothers house. A real winter wonderland!
Because of my temptations at home hubby thought it was a good idea to get out of the house.
I never been here, all I did was listen to relatives who said he is living in the forest, cut off from the rest of the world with no phone and internet. Not true, the house is awesome. it is one of those houses that is build with just tree trunks. How it holds together now idea LOL The internet is not as fast as I have it at home. But yes there is internet here the one with the dial up thing that makes the squiekie noise when you turn it on.
Hubbys brother is making me shakes with bananas and some protein powder. not bad....the kids are out in the snow playing. They do not even pay attention to me anymore, there too busy now.
It stopped snowing outside but we have about 20-25 cm of snow outside.
This will be good for me, I am feeling weaker today that I did for a while. The car ride took a lot out of me. but I think it will be fine....

@ hiskidd
I ask about the Valium, apparently that is what you would get if you would be detoxing in a clinic. they give you valium to take the edge off. So please if anyone reads this correct me....but I think if you take it for two three days I dont think you will be hooked on it. just start with 1/2 and see what happens. Please correct me if you think Im wrong.
In my opinion, you should take some just so you can get some rest. because your body will not heal if you do not get any rest. Im praying for you that you get some rest. I know how helpless you must feel right now. Big Big Hugs for you, in four weeks we will laugh about this I promise!
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Kuckma, i am happy that you are founding the positive on the new place you are now and you may even enjoy the surroundings... Those shakes sound really good and what you need now. We need a protein rich food to help healing muscles and stuff and the potasium on the bananas will help with your muscles aches and rls so drink a lot of them :)

yeah, you are not wrong  about the valium:). I am not going to be a hypocrite and i say that  i took some valiums the first time i quitted, just for the first week but not the second time when i  did it without it. But we had someone here who got hooked on some tranquiliser for not being careful with the phrase " just for a few days " so please, be careful , hiskidd :)
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Hiskidd I hope you start feeling better, I inboxed you and I think getting the Valium as long as you are careful (use it for a couple days till the worst is over and throw it away) my last detox I used a benzo short term and it helped get me through the worst of it. I was going on 70 hrs no sleep and it let me get enough sleep to get my mind sorta back together.

Kuckma, so glad that things turned out to be good going there! You guys are an inspiration to me and in just a short time you'll turn the corner and feel a lot better. Hiskidd, please post an update. Hopefully your getting some sleep..
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Hi guys. I don't know if i can do this. i'm a wreck. i'm not just saying this so you'll say "keep going," but this is hell. i hurt, i miss my family. i can't get these days back. what if i don't get better. i don't want a valium cuz i've already been on klonopin for anxiety (.05mg twice a day) for a long time. it's something that's just been part of my life. maybe 40 mgs a day of oxy should be or could be part of my life too. my stomach is weak. it can't take all the root, vitamins, niacin, etc. i DON'T mean to sound like i'm throwing your encouragemnt and prayers away, in fact i'm floored that anyone responded on Christmas eve. I just miss my family. i can't get this week back. my wife has been so awesome and loving and shielding the kids. she tells me they're fine and they will just want me healthy in the long run, but how long is that? my back still hurts, i'll still go the pain management doctor on monday (first time) and they may give me different pills. i'm tired of writhing, crying, shaking, moping, and feeling suicidal. I'm so tired guys.
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oh. i took more OTC sleeping pills. got 20 min wake up, 15 min wake up, 20 min wake up, and so on until i got maybe 1 and 1/2 hrs. i've been looking up things like Ambien, or Lunesta or something. I'm thinking of trying to go to the ER. idk what to do. i'm sorry for the regression.
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Ok you say you can't get these days back but what you can get is a lot more days with them..good quality says. Not days spent in that haze. For a week of misery you gain back a lifetime of happiness. Sounds like a good trade to me.

You are nearing the end of the physical hell. Please don't throw in the towel now. Give your family the best Christmas present ever. A clean you who will live a long and happy, healthy life. Not have it cut short and pass by like a blur. Something to think about..
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David-  You really can do this!  Stop taking the Niacin. It will make you too jiggy!  No Valium if you're taking the Klonopin. A lot of this is emotional which is totally normal!

Everything seems pretty grim when we're sleep deprived. Just don't give up. I don't think they'll do much for you at the ER. Probably an IV,some catapress,( a B/P med ). I doubt they'll give you a shot of Demerol.  I told you already to get some Immodium. Here's the thing: Immodium contains an opiate. It doesn't cross the blood/brain barrier
but it has a very nice way of making you feel a little better. Will you get it for goodness sake?  The Melatonin works great but works better after dark...

Trust me on this. I've been there!  And get those fluids in!  

Oh...and you're not suicidal. You're tired!

xo
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Thank you. I got the immodium a couple of days ago, but i've only taken it minimally. The niacin didn't make me jiggy yesterday, but itchy for about 10 minutes, then i was ok. you and tiredofoxy gave me some good words just now. My wife came home with the gaterade so I've been drinking that too. no appetite, so still the occasional banana and crackers.

Thank you so much for saying what you did about not being suicidal, but tired. That meant a lot. This who eternal thread has meant so much to me. My wife almost broke down a while ago, but I told her if she breaks down, I'll fold for sure cuz I don't want to see her sad. Then we read these last two posts from you guys and I could tell she got encouraged again. She's a fighter. I can't wait to be well enough to take her on a date. I love her so much and I owe her so much. Her name is April and she is a wonderful wife and mom. I'll check back later tonight. I'm going to try and eat something and watch a movie I guess.
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Ok so I am sitting here in this most comfy recliner, with a blanket that has arms. ( no really it has arms) I guess so you can pick your nose when your tucked in. LOL

Anyway, I am glad I am a part of the family now, Im sitting in the family room and everything is happening around me.

So ppl are taking pictures, and I grabbed the camera to look at the pix of the kids playing in the snow. And BAM!!! there is a picture of me sitting in the chair, OMG OMG! I look like I am at least 15 years older, dark rings under my eyes, cheeks all caved in, hair all messed up, and pale as a ghost really honestly I look like a strung out junkie, Holy c***
I was thinking to myself, we should have started taking pics while I was all sweaty, puking, and shivering alll over, crying my eyes out like a mental patient! And every time I get tempted  to take a pill get the pics out.

I had no idea, I did not look this awful to me in the mirror.
I am so glad that Hubby and his bro kinda telling a white lie to the visitors that are coming over and telling them that I am having one of my low calcium episodes.
Because that would not sound so good ."yeah hi, hey meet his new wife Berit, she is a stung out junkie, and withdrawing while visiting over the Christmas holidays, shes a hard core addict" LOL


@ David,
hey buddy, I wish I could just help you. Being around the family helps me so much.
Are you still at the stage when no one can talk to you and you get irritated with any question or "look at me dad?"
Because if you can be around them why dont you make a "Nest" on the couch. Or do you have a recliner? Being around the kids is guna help you a lot.

In the beginning, you said all you do is shut your wife out and push her away?
Are you letting her in now? Allow not only your wife but also the kids "in".
On the first day I told my kids, it will be fine just got a little bit of a tummy ache. I be fine. As it went on and on, I called them in my room and told them that this will take a while, a medication I took is making my body sick, and it will take a week or so till I get better. And I needed them to "Manup" and help taking care of me.And help hubby. I insured them that I am not going to die, and that I will be fine.

As far as I remember you oldest is 6, the 6 year old will understand, and feel so much better when He or she can help care for you. This way this situation in going to be less stressful for the kids, cause they can see you are ok. And they are "making" u ok.

I kind of know what I am saying, Im a Kindergarten Teacher for the Army, most of "my" (I take ownership of all of my Kids at school lol) kids have injured, deceased, deployed or missing Parents.

Just and idea Im not sure where you are with your pain or you Emotions.

Big Big HUGS, keep posting....
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You sound a little better!!   I'm going to check on you a little later on. I'm going for a walk and visit around our neighborhood right now. It's a tradition...you'll feel like doing it yourself very soon!!

Give your April a huge hug!!   It's all going to be okay. You'll see...

xo
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I am going thru the same thing as hiskid, you got one day up from me, and it *****.  The worst part is our kids are suffering too.  But their is a light at the end of the tunnel.  The way I see it is its like having the flu, you feel like crap, you rest, stay hydrated, eat and your body will work itself out.  Just don't think of the pill, and trust me I know its hard I was up to 7 80s a day at my worst.  But I looked at my little girls and told myself a pill is not going to determine a good day with them.  I feel for you all and I wish you the best.
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thanks notafraid and kuckma. i stepped out for a bit, and felt like i was going to die. i had to pick up a few things in a store and almost had a panic attack. my neck pain flared up, got dizzy, and cried all the way home. came in and hand to look ashamedly at april that "i'm not ready." All i could think while i was out is "what if I never get better?" seriously. What if i'm weak and had to take klonopin already, so now this oxy withdrawal is going to make me this nervous wreck permanently. if i had oxy i'd take it right now. i gotta go.
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kuckma and notafraid, i'd didn't mean to discourage you. i got all this rationalizing and fear going on right now. my poor wife. since monday seeing me like this. i keep thinking what's so bad about 45-60mgs every day for the rest of my life. i'm already 36, and so on and so on. but i've read enough how the amount keeps increasing. i was so mad at my doctor earlier. he prescribes things without walking me through them whatsoever. that's how the klonopin started. with the oxy, he just said "here" and then a month ago said, "we'll up you're dose a bit to 30." damn. stay encouraged you guys. Berit, you sound like a new woman. NEVER go back. Maybe I'll get a Christmas miracle tomorrow.
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Berit--  A "low calcium episode" ??    OMG!  I laughed out loud!   You're so funny...I think the change of scenery has done you a world of good!

David--You will not be like this forever!!  You'll probably feel better tomorrow!  Don't let the "head games" get to you. That's what they are...just games. You have to override them. The pills are out of your life now. If you were to take any now you would be sorely disappointed. We can vouch for that!

I said I would check in so I hope you're asleep and a bit more comfortable. You are a lucky man...I can't tell you how many go through this mess completely alone.

Stay strong. Keep drinking. Take more Immodium. And ALWAYS EXPECT A MIRACLE!
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And everyone. It's 3am. Merry Christmas. I'm awake with awful back pain. I'm so confused. I got 2.5 hrs of sleep using Valerian root tonight, and am now wide awake (which took like 20 seconds). I'm confused because I remember 13 months ago when my back was so bad and he gave me hydrocodone and it didn't touch the pain. I went back and he gave me this "thing" called oxycontin and I couldn't believe how much it helped. It was the "only" thing that worked.

I feel like I've gone through a week of hell just to come to the conclusion that oxy is the only thing that works for me. I got through two jobs and school with it. I got a full night's sleep with it, and so on. It's the upper c/5, c/6 section of my spine and Degenerative Disc Disease is hard to treat, AND they still are trying to narrow things down since the first MRI 11 months ago didn't show enough (like a bone spur) to qualify surgery, BUT what is I get a new MRI and it is surgery? Back on oxy to heal from that? What if the surgery doesn't work, or the acupuncture doesn't work, and so on.

Anyway, what I'm saying is I'm up at 3:08am again and I'm so confused. I don't have pills to take so I'm safe tonight, but I'm on my little girl's mattress in my room alone, my wife is on the couch, my kids are in their room, and I'm in agony on so many levels. Maybe I'm just being whiney. "Man up." "Suck it up." IDK. Honest to my Lord, I often think that my life insurance policy would be so much better for them all. BUT I know I couldn't take my life or they would get nothing. Just ***** right now.

I hope you guys don't get this till after Christmas. Take care and know that you ARE loved and appreciated.
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ps - i only wrote suks and it blocked it out. very tired.
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They would never recover from losing you with or without the money, hiskidd ... I can assure you that during wds our minds are our worst enemies, it is not only that we feel down and depressed , it is that all our thoughts are sort of catastrophic thoughts and we can not see any light at the end of the tunnel. Try not to over think, i know it is really difficult not doing it but in some days all those thoughts will be different, don't trust your mind now at all...you will see th end of this tunnel and will be in a much better frame of mind. This rebound pain is also hurting you really bad, take another hot bath, whatever you are taking for the pain and some more valerian root which is for anxiety and will help to relax a little but please, do not lose your hope nor your fightiing spirit, today  too shall pass ...
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Thank you, Laurel. I am so new to this detox thing, and this forum, but when I read your post and my pointer hovered near "best answer," I had to click it. Seems like such a small, even silly thing. But, as bad as I feel, as small the increments of change are, to hit refresh on my computer (which has been on for days straight now) and see a message from you on Christmas Day was a small piece of hope that I need right now. I'm already kind of dreading having to get up and have energy to watch the kids open their things. They usually feed off of my excitement and energy. I aint got it now. At least not right now. BUT, back to my point... I'm praying your words are from your fingertips from God's mouth. That one day I'll look back and KNOW your message was a gift from Him.

Merry Christmas everyone who has posted to me. Your words have all been gifts at the right time. Doesn't seem coincidental to me. I genuinely have love, prayer, and true admiration for you all. Love, David.
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Wow, I actually feel a lot better today.  I am still not 100% but do feel like getting up and get out of the house.  The stomach isstill a little sideways andstill have issues going to the bathroom, but my body and head feel a lot better.  It was a tough night it was so hard to go to sleep, so I took down some Nyqul and some advil pm,  not sure if that was a good idea but I did get about 7hrs of sleep lastnight.  Well the kiddos are waking up so it is gift time.  Merry christmas to all!!
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Btw I am onl day 4.
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Guys, don't be mad but I went to the ER this morning before the kids woke up for gifts (like a pseudo ER) and asked for something to help me sleep. I stressed to him I didn't want narcotics/opiates, but he did give me 10 Ambien. I gave the bottle to my wife and plan on trying ONE. If it doesn't help me sleep I'll chuck the bottle. If it does, I'll wait another 1-2 days before trying it again IF and ONLY IF I need it.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I AM MAKING A SERIOUS MISTAKE WITH AMBIEN.
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Oh, and of course he offered me something else for my back/neck pain. I don't even remember the name of it. I was too tired to say yes to anything than what I was asking for :( I hope you guys aren't mad about the Ambien. It's my first time ever taking it.
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Avatar_m_tn
HI....Merry Christmas.....the ambien is ok for a couple of days there is a dependence factor
if you stay on it very long and then getting off of it is difficult with long bouts of insomnia
so exercise caution we have had many members here that where on it for extended periods havea hard time getting off of it good luck to you and congarts on your clean time
Gnarly  
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Took 1 ambien and slept for an hour or so. Wow, what a joke. I miss my family. After gifts they went to my motherinlaws for a time. My wife left me here hoping I would sleep hard. I'm so mad that I wasted this whole week trying to detox (this is just what I feel), AND I can't get the time with my family back, AND I'm still not better, AND I'm still in pain, AND I see no hope in sight. My six year old thinks the world of me. He needs me and I can't be there right now. Why? Because of me!!! Because I didn't do my homework and who knows if I did do it, I might have started oxy anyway.

Pray for me.
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Thanks for your post. I didn't even see it through my tears when I posted. Yeah, I won't take it tonight if ever again.

I'll be honest. My anxiety level is super high, but I do feel better than 3 days ago or whenever my worst was. I'm not "writhing" as much, and I can put down some bananas and gaterade no problem. The oxy smell has been gone from my skin the past few days, though it lingers in my room. The main things are 1. The lack of sleep 2. The mega pain that I started the oxy for in the first place.

So, I would be remiss if I didn't post a "wholer" update. I did lay with the kids some last night. I did watch them open gifts today. I will try and move around some today. Now I'm also praying my wife sleeps. She looks so tired when I see her pretty face.

This is OFFICIALLY day 5 for me with no opiates at all. It would be day 6 if not for the 20mgs of Opana on Monday afternoon, so I'm scrapping that day. 5 days "clean."

Please Jesus make me whole again.
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Try to drink as many fluids, water as you can. It's nature's natural detox. Take long hot showers. Try to take vitamins in the form if real fruits. Substances rid us of vitamins and antioxidants. If you can, walk a little bit in a park, closing yourself in between 4 walls is inherently depressing. Remember, sunshine gives vitamin D. Stay away from caffeine. And above all, remember that things will get better!
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Does the anxiety let up ever? I can't remember how I did life before these pills. Am I a "basket case" now? Why is it day 5 and I'm crying as much as ever? I hate myself for all my stupid mistakes and waste of life. I've wasted it. I've wasted it.
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536 pm Pacific. Feeling better. Almost afraid to type it, but I do feel better. I dread thinking of TRYING to sleep tonight, but I've eaten the most I have all week today, which is not much, but still something. My pain is still their, but I would choose manageable physical pain over the uncontrollable fatalistic emotional pain any day. I knew many would go "dark" on Christmas, but it was almost better that I was able to go so up and down on my own. I'd rather have you guys come back to a positive post. I feel it's what you deserve for your true care.

Time will tell how I'll choose to remember Christmas of 2010 (can you believe that date?), and I'm sure my nerves will relapse, pain will seem unbearable, but my God is with me, my family is with me, and a host of friends who I will never meet on this side of eternity is with me.

Praying I sleep tonight - at least 3-4 hours please :)! Then I'll watch Star Trek for the third time this week.
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Hang in there!!! I just read this entire post and I'm pulling for u, praying for u. The worst is over you can see the light I know u can.  You have to make it thru to the other side, for your family, yourself, those reading along who have traveled this path before and for those of us who will be making the journey soon . I believe in you! God bless you.
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For what its worth, I've spent my Christmas reading this post. I've been looking for help for a cple days now, and today I found this post. You have given me strength with your honesty and courage, thank u sooooo much for that. You hang in there my cyber friend. Stay strong, stay positive. Think about all the goodness you can bring to the world. You're almost there, your freedom & independence are right there within your reach. I believe in you. We all are praying for you. BTW star trek is awesome.
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hi :) I'm so thankful for your post. I don't know what you're going through or about to embark on, but you have found the right place if you need help. ALL of my FRIENDS have been beneficial. Various posts at various times, and always at the right time. I would not have gotten to almost day 6 without them. Gnarly, vicky, laurel, tiredofoxy, kuckma, quitinoxys, eyeofhorus, trama, mag, storm, notafraid, and meriem ALL played a role. No one was negative or condescending. No "why are you whining?" kind of things. Those comments can probably push people to the worst...

I'm not saying it was easy. I'm not saying it's over for me... I'm saying I WILL warn anyone who is even thinking about oxy to STAY AWAY.

As for how I feel, I needed some Valerian root a little while ago to calm my anxiety and I have high hopes for sleep (I'm waiting till the last possible moment!). I'm hungry right now, but I don't want eating late to contribute to me not being able to sleep.

ANYWAY, fredjones, thank you for your words. I won't go back. I can't go back. I'm afraid to get too happy too fast, but in the last 4 or 5 hours, I've turned the best corner of the week. I can literally see a life free of anxiety (well this worst chemical kind), and I will stay on this site as long as my friends will have me ;) to help anyone who needs it. I say all that to say to you again, you found the right site. I'm praying for you too. Let's pray for each other. I'm here if you need me. David
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Man hiskid I don't know how I missed your post I just went through your EXACT same hell exactly 17 days ago and I am crawling out the other side, wounded but alive. And things are looking way up. Everything is great except I am having major bathroom issues still and still having exhaustion which I believe is related to the stomach issues. I'm usually fine until I eat. Then I crash hard and am running to the bathroom for hours later. But everything else is getting better. The extremes you are having now will pass soon.  My mental anguish was bad for me as well. I thought I would jump off a bridge. Crying at everything, panic, thinking people are out to get me, it was terrible but that only lasts a few days after the extreme withdrawals. At about day 7 I think I was done with the extreme emotional stuff. But when it was going on I believe I could FEEL my brain squirming around in my head it was awful! But it passes. Trust me man it passes. But Monday morning I think I am seriously going to buy stock in imodium (immodium).
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Everyone - I was just skimming the post. I hope I didn't miss anyone. I was literally just trying to name a few and kept scrolling up and down without trying to be too thorough. I seriously just want you all to know you ALL matter. So if I missed anyone... THANK YOU! I know you don't post to get kudos or praise, but I have to say thank you for my Christmas present this year :)
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HEY Dude.....I write a lot of these truly hoping you dont read them till morning but if it 3am and your up and sleep dosent seem possible please let this be an encouragement to you that it will get better for most it happens in a couple of weeks a little better each night
I broke a contuious 16 1/2yr addiction and honestly dident get a good nights sleep for 2 mo
so I can totally relate to the sleep problems as far as your physical symptoms most should be gone in the next day or 2 then it the energy crash you got to deal with that and the mind games your brain is going to tell you anything it can to get you to use this is the 2/3 mental part I told you about if you can look up N/A meeting in your area and check on out you will find a lot of people that will understand how and why you feel like you do it will also help you stay clean....keep posting for support......Gnarly  
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finally have some time to get to the computer,
this day was exhausting for me.
All these ppl, the food, the noice, too much for me today.
I was just happy that the kids are happy,
my son told me earlier this is the best christmas ever!
I am happy that I am clean now, I am at day 6!!!
But I am not "happy"! Anxiety is still there and was through the roof today.
All these ppl asking "are you not feeling well"? "Whats wrong" "Are you not hungry"
"Maybe we should take you to the dr", that was all too much for me.
At some time I just locked myself in a room and just rested. That was better!
tomorrow we are driving home, Im looking forward to my bed.

@David,
I am so freaking proud of you. I wanna give you a huge HUG!
U already sound so much better, for a while there I was worried, but
I think you might also turn the corner.
I am so so so happy for you and your family, seeee prayers will be heard!

Im going to try to sleep a little, the anxiety of today is still in me,
Im sure tomorrow will be better!
Can't wait to be "normal"
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This is great, David, you are feeling better  :)  and thanks a lot for your words too !  

and now, be ready to walk this weird and at sometimes crazy road of recovering your life after the first week of wds. First of all, the improvements are there, sure but you will experience that some days are like going back. Just when you are feeling better ,  suddenly you go through hours feeling worse and thinking that you are going back to the first days . NOT :) you are not, it is only that some days are one step forwards and two step backwards, it is normal, just take the days as they come. The mental battle is also tough, this anxiety and lack of energy and sleep is quite exhausting but again, think always that "THIS TOO SHALL PASS ".... Remember not to overthink :) we beat ourselves, we blame ourselves, we put ourselves at the lowest... don't pay attention to those thoughts and keep walking forwards... your spirit and your faith helped you during these days and will keep helping you with the mental battle... Make a plan to stay busy... eat as healthy as you can , follow the amino acid protocol , if not all, some of the advices there, enjoy the good hours and days and just be grateful with being alive for a while :) Anxiety is quite a common sympton..... make those breathing exercises that are adviced ( long slow breaths ), find a time to meditate/pray in a quite place of your house daily to put yourself on a blank frame f mind so that you can relax your mind ( i swear our poor minds need a relaxing time every day after so much overthinking ) , face those catastrophic or negative thoughts with positive rational thinking even if you don't belive it, it makes good and pays for the future, enjoy your time with your family and with April and rest if you are feeling tired, keep taking long hot baths  and live by the day :)
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hi guys. thank you for the follow up... with the help of some sleep aids, i got about 5 straight hrs of sleep last night, and then a couple more off and on hrs. i've been laying in bed because i feel like roadkill. so it was refreshing to hear that this is how i'm supposed to be feeling. it's not "day 6, you slept, and you're done," it's "keep fighting, and here's how."

im literally so tired i want nothing more than to fall back asleep, but i know i should get some liquids in me and maybe some other healthy stuff. speaking of which, should i keep taking the valerian root, niacin, or whatever else i was doing to get to this day? i never did start vitamins, but i can. i have a pretty weak stomach (lactose intolerant too), but i'll eat flintstone vitamins if i have too.

legs are shaky a bit, and i may need the sleep aid tonight, but my goal is to get to melatonin and v-root if i need sleep help only. oh i feel like a lump of mess, but it's so much better than... well, i don't even want to think about those days right now. love you guys.
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:-D your finally nearing the end of the physical wd, that's great. Vitamins would be a really good idea, you've no doubt lost a lot through frequent bathroom trips etc so keep drinking lots of fluids and a good multivitamin would def help. Ester c is good and I took a lot of it when I was "sick" and it helped.

And the roadkill feeling is normal. Your body has been through a lot this week. For me day 7 was the turning point. Day 6 was when I felt like you..so limp and drained like I'd never been in my life. But somehow day 7 was 10x better. You've done an amazing thing. The pills will no longer hold you hostage and you will really be free! The emotional stuff is also normal..after months of being numb it takes a while to "level off" and the extremes will become less and less. But do some aftercare..this is where I faltered..where many people do. We found a substance that became our answer for lifes problems. We have to learn the right tools to deal with it and consider using to be simply not an option. Anything that makes you this sick when you stop just isn't the answer. I'm glad to hear you have the support of who sounds like a really special lady. Hats off to you April for taking such good care of your hubby. I think you two will realize a much closer bond on every level with those damned pills out of your life. And another plus,  your kids have thier real daddy back :)
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Hey there.
I have spent the majority of the first part of my day reading this thread. Every time I read a new post, it was like I was going through exactly what you were describing. I could feel every emotion, every helpless feeling, desperation, etc. This is the hardest thing any of us will ever go through. I think what makes it that much harder is the shame associated with being an addict. And so what do we do when we feel ashamed?? Mask that feeling with a pill, and it continues on and on.
From what I read here everyone's words of experience support and insight are helpful and can even be overwhelming. Like a few others have said, you've unfortunately got to go through the symptoms alone, no one else can bear that cross for you. I cannot count how many times I've been through wds. It's never easier if you relapse. Sure, you may know what to expect, but that doesn't change the symptoms! I only wish I would have found this forum when I went through it before. All that said, I cannot tell you another trick and everyone has pretty much said all that can be said. The reason I wanted to add a little support here is because I can so relate to the pain aspect. I've been through the ringer when it comes to pain, all legitimately backed up with tests and experts and surgeries and such. The rebound pain that others have spoke of are legit...you'll feel your pain that much more because your body got used to the narcotics relieving the pain instead of trying to fight it off by itself. so you have a pain management appointment? I think I read that, right? I really hope that if that's the case that you are honest with them and tell them you have an addiction to opiates. They won't turn you away or judge you. At least from my experience as working as a receptionist at a pain clinic, the doctors were caring about people in our situation. (I no longer work there as it was too much to be around all these people with their rx's and such!) there are alternatives, and it's not just a write off. There are non addictive pain relievers, and with a back problem, a lot of times they can do pain blocks or nerve blocks or shots. The hardest part is having to tell the doc your situation. It's very hard to do...again, we have that shame a lot and tend to be way harder on ourselves than we deserve..I had gall bladder removal in September and had to tell the surgeon to not give me vicodin (my drug of choice) to go home with. He gave me darvocet. I didn't abuse them, and for the level of pain I was at, they didn't do much at all, but still I told him, and I was in the pre-op room alone, so it's not like I had my husband saying it to him or anything. It was a huge huge step. After all, I was about to be given a generous amount of my drug of choice!! But the pride I had almost (almost is the key word, ha) outweighed the pain. It was a big hurdle I had to overcome and I did it. I knew if I hadn't that I'd be back at square one, seeking more doctors and drugs and lying and hiding and then ultimately wds again. So not worth it.
I was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and was given Norco 7.5/325 when nothing else was working. I had to push past the pain and ask myself if I was doing the drug seeking or if that's all that was working for me. I tried a million different alternatives before jumping back on the narcotics route. But after a month or so of being back on them and taking them as directed and getting pain relief, I started to get 'that old feeling' after a dose and started watching the clock for when I could take another. I immediately flushed what I had left and have been back off them for almost 2 weeks. I'm now faced with maybe having to get shoulder surgery...scary, but I'll get through it somehow. I'm finding with little clearer head now, and although the pain is still very bad, I just can't go down that road again. I can't. Then what would it have all been for? So forge ahead, I know time is crawling second by agonizing second. The emotional aspect is hard too, but it sounds like you have an amazing wife who is very supportive. But when the physical stuff is done, aftercare is the most important thing to keep us sober. Talking to family and posting and reading here is a tremendous help, kind of like group therapy, but you need some sort of plan for meetings or therapy or counseling. I've been through it all so many times and thought I would be ok on my own...it does not work that way at all..
For me, the emotional is worse than the physical, only because it lasts so long! I don't want to scare you but I think you should know that you're in for a long ride. You've already done an amazing job getting through the torture that is physical wds. But the mental side of things can get crazy sometimes. I'm finding with each day that passes I think about pills and pain less and less. It's not all consuming anymore. And when I do get sleep, I wake up immediately with anxiety. just this morning though, I woke up with the anxiety and just about talked myself out of it and actually fell back asleep...I thought that was an impossible task just a few nights ago. But again, that's another reason for good aftercare. To get to the root of things...and in situations like ours, where we're still dealing with legit pain, it's only beneficial to find a good primary doc and be honest with them.
The only thing I can say is that every moment gets a little better than the one before. Early on it seems that it will never end or get better. The desperation really sets in, and unless you stay on top of your game, you'll end up worse off than before. You hit your bottom faster with each relapse. Just take it second by second, then minute to minute, then it's hour by hour. Soon, you'll be able to break up the day into morning afternoon and evening instead of watching the second hand on the clock. It's a slow and painful process, but it'll happen. Us addicts want the immediate gratification with everything! I know that too well!! But try and retrain your brain to take things at face value and take them as they come, and try not to look at tonight or tomorrow or next week. This will happen for you if you continue to fight the way you already are. We're all pulling for you!!!! My heart goes out to you and I can relate so much to the panic you feel. But it will get better if you stick with it.
@Kuckma - I'm so happy to hear that you're doing a bit better. I'm so happy that you didn't get your refill, that takes all the courage in the world, I know. And what a good idea about taking pictures while going through the wds..might deter us all when we get tempted...we'll rationalize anything, won't we??!!!
I hope that both of you continue on the sober path and find more and more peace as time goes on. We call all do this!!!!
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I woke up this morning, first thought, I have to work tomorrow!!!!

Im freaking out yet again, what if I can not go back into my "normal" life without pills.
Anxiety is kicking in like crazy!!

What have I done, Im so so tired, exhausted, feel like I still have to "flu".

And I have to go to  work like that? What the heck am I gona do?
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I know that you're so anxious about going back to 'normal' life now....it seems impossible, I know. I'd suggest looking back on your first few posts and knowing that you've come a long way since that short time ago. And sometimes pushing yourself into a situation in 'normal life' is what we need to start over. I know the motivation is gone right now..but look at your post from xmas eve...you were taking pics of the kids, comfy on the chair, etc.. You couldn't say any of that just a day or two prior. You've come a long way already. You still have a long way to go. Just keep pushing like you have and you'll get through it. If you can get through all the physical agony of wds and come out the other end, then you'll start to live your life again, and without the pills. Every day will be hard, but every day will get easier than the one before. And I think you'll get a great sense of accomplishment once you get trough that first day back. And be thankful that you won't be in active day one wds when you go back...right? It could always be better, but it could always be worse too. Take a deep breath and look at it as another hurdle you're bound to overcome. You've gotten through worse, right?!!!
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I worked through my first 2 days of w/d and it sucked, but it did pass the time... U will be ok, just stay positive!
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feel like im going backwards. didn't expect to feel this much regression. sense of hopelessness, fear, anxiety. i don't know this "new normal." i don't like it either.
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I know all too well what you're talking about. The 'new normal' is a hard one. But you can't be so hard on yourself. You're actually feeling right now, and I know that $ucks! The anxiety is all too familiar. But as far as your physical symptoms and sleep, those have gotten a little better, right? I know you still don't feel human, and I almost would get angry at people for being able to smile naturally without forcing it..it's so hard to comprehend, I know. But you'll get there. We love our immediate gratification and when we don't have it, it's like we're trapped in a cage going in circles. Take a few deep cleansing breaths, as deep as you can open up those lungs. You are in this moment and there's absolutely nothing that makes that clock go any faster unfortunately. Nothing magical will make you feel better this instant. But take a look back at the hell that was the first 24, 48, 36 hours..and how you never want to feel that again, and that if you get ahold of those pills, you'll be back to where you started, only faster and worse each time you relapse..that's how it always went for me.

I wish there was one simple thing to answer you're thoughts of 'when do I get to feel human again?'  But there's no one thing I can say that will make you all of a sudden have clarity and peace. I wish..we all do. It's a struggle every day but it's SO worth it. You'll look back at one week be thankful you're not at that first agonizing night..then it's 2 weeks and 3 and so on..you'll get there, we'll get there together. We're all in this together..

My motto used to be 'immediately if not sooner'. Now it's just to live in each moment that I get further away from my bottom...you're on your way back up. It's horribly difficult, but each passing second is one more sober second. It's easier said than done, but only look at the day you're in and commit to being sober that hour, that day, etc. Then  you'll get to the next hour, day, etc. And again, you'll be another hour or day away from that first step out of hell. We're not out of the woods yet, but we can see the horizon from where we're stuck....My thoughts are with you and my heart goes out to you. Keep reading and posting, it will truly help more than you know...Take care
Alison
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i'm having such a bad day - mostly night now - that im wondering if i did the right thing. i have serious doubts now. now i think, "i was ONLY taking oxy for 13 months," etc. etc. this is going to be another night of OTC sleeping pill AND an ambien to hopefully get sleep. what if it ambien starts to take hold of me????????????? crap. i'm sorry guys for the regression. shaking legs, crying, everything is bad, and as strong as my wife is, i'm trying to hide the regression from her because she looks so tired now from all of this. it's like she's raising 4 young kids and one with severe emotional problems. my head is humming on the right side like it did over a decade ago when i started taking clonazepam.

i'll try to post. i don't know anymore.
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First off, you did the right thing. You are doing the right thing. Of course you have doubts. It was easier at a point to take a pill instead of ___fill in the blank. It became the condition rather than the exception. Sleep is important for every human being, and you are a human being. What you're feeling is exactly where most of us were at some point or are currently at or about to go through. If you need assistance with sleeping, go ahead and take something, but only as needed. Keep it in check and don't expect for things to go back to 'normal' overnight. But take something for sleep so you can heal a little more. Again, only take it at night, don't exceed the recommended dose, etc.
Think about the fact that you were on the pills for 13 months..so why would all your symptoms go away in 13 days? It's going to balance out little by little by little....I know right now you have the grand canyon to hurl over and it seems you're only taking tiny baby steps. But you are moving in the right direction...onward and upward.
You have the fighting power in you, and you're ready to do this. You have to be selfish a little while longer to get better and that's ok!!!! As someone said here before, it's ok to not be ok for a while.
It's hard to accept what we have done, but we are now on the right track. The track is a hard one, no one said it wasn't, but it does get a little smoother the longer you stick with it. Please take it from me, as someone who has struggled on and off for nearly 7 years...relapses get worse as does withdrawals every time it happens. You find yourself at the bottom faster and hitting harder, so best you get through these next few hard steps than starting all over again...
You're feeling everything now...you're anxious, scared, emotional. I know..but you will live to see another day. And each day truly is a little better than the one before. I know these are just words and you are the one feeling helpless and alone, but know that you're not. You've pushed through so many things to get to this day, this hour, this minute. Just know that things are turning around, although it feels the walls are closing in.
I think maybe you should get into some kind of therapy or meetings or aftercare...that is so important to keep things in check. If you can just call an make an appointment to talk to a therapist or whatever route you want to take, you'll begin to see more light at the end of the never-ending tunnel you think you're in right now....You found your way into the tunnel, got lost, and now you're on your way out..you're getting there. Just keep going. I believe that you can do it!!! I'm pulling for you, thinking of you, praying for you. This too shall pass, I promise.
Alison
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HI the to of you are doing good right now your hitting the emotional part of the withdrawal your emotions will be all over the place times of joy times when your down and times the littlest thing will set off tears it all part of beginning to feel again your no longer numb on the pills right now your brain chemistry is a mess your serotonin is ether way hi or dead low
your dopamine is messed up that why you cant sleep and you are no longer pouring endorphins into your brain with the pills your brain will start to make its own again but it takes time this is why I say this is 2/3 mental your mind will play games with you do yourself a faver and live in the now dont woorie about what tomorrow will bring take it one day at a time just get threw today....all of us do it  ''just for today'' and when you start to string them together your recovery has begun I just want to encourage both of you to keep pushing threw with this you close to the prize and it is so so worth it once you get there keep posting for support we all want to see you succeed ......Gnarly    
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So I am into day 6, I by no means feel 100% but I am feeling a lot better.  Sleep is still really bad, but thankfully I am one that can function without sleep, I guess it was all the years I would work the 15hr days, that trained me.  It is still really rough in the bathroom, but what has helped me the most is getting out, socializing with family and friends, it ***** at first and it is tough, but once you get going a couple hours will pass and you will think to yourself, wow, I just felt normal for a little bit and your moral boosts.  First. I would just go out to the grocery store to get started, run a few erronds but you need to stay positave, and not dwell onit or yes, it will eat you up. I don't know if it is because I am a positive person by nature why I am feeling better then some of you by day six or that our chemestry is just different.
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I want to say one more thing that has helped me as well, is try to put all of this in perspective, there are people out there that are going thru things that are a lot worse then what we are going thru and they get up and live everyday.  What we are going thru we are guaranteed a light at the end of the tunnel, and in my mind is small beans, don't get me wrong addiction is a disease and is very hard to conqure, but there are people out there that have to go thru way worse everyday for the rest of their lives and that amazes me that most of them can stay positive.  Naybe I am out of line saying what I just said, but hey, it could be a lot worse.
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day 7 - hi all. not much sleep last night. even sleep aids couldn't cut through. not comfortable on my side, back, or stomach. i'm 36 and i feel like i'm through. i'm reading all the posts and trying to take it to heart.

i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel without a point of reference. i've never been here before. all i know is i "woke up" thinking i wasn't addicted I was "only dependent." i began defending my dr. in my mind. he prescribed me legal "medication" that i never truly abused. i didn't exceed my dosages or i wouldn't have gotten my prescriptions refilled. i only took them orally. the highest i went in a day is what he gave me: 60mg. then, "should I go today and tell them i need my prescription again?"

sigh. my wife got my kids out of the house. i didn't want to go. i did, but i couldn't. i'm so tired, weak, afraid, and blah, blah, blah. i'm tired of hearing myself say these same things. its noon, and my 7th day without oxy. i have an accupuncture appt (my first) for my back tomorrow. i'm so worried about it discouraging my wife when/if it doesnt work - which my fatalistic attitude.

should i exercise, eat fruit, drink juice... i'm looking for the way to heal. i miss my family.
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Exercise if you possibly can.  Even if it is just a short walk.  That is one of the best things you can do for yourself.  Exercise jumpstarts the brain to produce feel good endorphins that were coming from the pills.  
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Maybe you could take the family to a movie. That way, you get to move around but not too much, and you get family time.
I hear what you're saying, but there  comes a point on all these pain meds where the meds totally numb everything. Sure, there is no pain. But there is also no joy, sadness, love, excitement, or any other genuine emotion. I think you know that. I think you know that you're doing the right thing. Stay strong David, stay strong.
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day (night) 7  - went for a walk outside today. it was hard at first, but i had no goals of pace or distance. i listened to a message by chuck swindoll, and just walked. the air was very clean and clear. i ended up walking to a local place and ate a chicken taco and about a 1/2 cut of refried beans. it didn't feel too heavy. i walked back and read a bit - a very little bit - from a chuck swindoll book about positive attitudes. laid down about 5:15, and although i didn't sleep, i didn't get too panicky.

i'm very tired, but anxious at the same time. 6pm was usually the latest i would take my second or third (depending if I had cut it in half or not) of the day. the lack of pain and euphoric numbness would fill the rest of the evening whether it was class at night, or time with the family. now there is no pill too take and i feel like a pile of rubble.

anyway, it's 6:30 now and i just finished dinner at the table with my family. this is the most i've eaten all week - still not much, and my wife looks every bit as tired as i do. i'm with my kids i the living room, but it's hard for me to "engage" with them. it ***** that my kindergartner's vacation is being wasted on his dad being a zombie. i'll never get these days back. but maybe i'm saving years, or an overdose, or something i won't ever see on this side of eternity.

@kuckma if you're out there, I hope you're ok. i wish you had more time off, but you sounded much better than me. stay encouraged.
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I'm proud of you man. You're really doing great! Seriously, read a post you wrote on day 3, then reread your last. It's night and day. So proud.  Stay strong. You've gone thru the worst.

After a week of tapering, I'm going ct this Thursday and I promise, your postings here have given me so much encouragement. I'll keep you in my prayers for sure. God Bless
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you are pushing yourself and this is good, how are you doing, David ?
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hi. im not sure. lousy sleep night again even with sleep aids. i went for my first ever accupuncture today. i feel the same (back pain I mean), and i hate when i have to tell my wife "it didn't work" so to speak. that happened when the back surgeon said he couldn't see enough to want to do surgery. we were all hoping for the "fix it" surgery a while back.

i stopped by the ymca to look at family memberships, etc. just got home and no one is here. it's so pretty outside, so i'm sure April took the kids to the park or something. i want to call and join them, but... idk... it's like i literally can not under no circumstances help feeling sorry for myself and just sit here thinking, wondering, worrying...

i can sense my appetite coming back. i was never a "healthy" eater, so i'm not sure how radical i can get with that. laurel, i'm just kinda scared that i'll never get fully better. a lot of people depend on me, and if they knew what shape i was in... anyway, pity party again i guess :) i think (i think) if it wasn't for the chronic back pain, i would have joy. i don't know how to get mentally tough about it. i was mentally toughER about it before the oxy, then I was euphorically healed on the oxy, and now i'm worse than either of those states. big sigh.

thanks for checking on me... david
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Just the fact that you went out and got something to eat, then today stopped at the YMCA...you're doing the 'getting your life back together' part. You're actively interested in going back to your old self. It takes a long time to get right back where you were. Every day is a new one, and just look back to your first couple of days. You've gone though physical hell. It all comes, but in teeny tiny amounts.
Everything you're feeling is totally normal. You are mourning the loss of your DOC that brought you relief, physically and mentally. Of course you feel bad for yourself, you have a disease and you're the only one that can fight it. Just the desire to want to join your kids and wife at the park shows improvment. Don't be so down that you can't join them quite yet. It will all happen in due time. We were used to being on so much pills that even taking then as prescribed alters your pain receptors and clouds you  alittle. Then we get used to being on them all the time and so our bodies and brains get dependant. So it's going to take time to get things back. I think you already are getting back. Layer by layer you'll come back to the old you...but it takes a lot of time!!! Keep going, you're doing so well
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Recovering from opiates is not a fast road, this is true but you will see the improvements. Accupuncture does not always work the first time, it takes some sessions so i would advice you not to give it up yet. The amino acid protocol has some good advices you could follow, David, they help even with feeling down. It is really noormal going through such an emotional feeling down phase. It is no fun at all but again, this too shall pass... the rebound pain , i really hope you will feel better about it in some days. Keep pushing yourself a little every day, doing different things has a positive effect on our frame of mind, talk to your inner david in a positive mood, if you have to fake it, do it :) Breaking the cycle of negative thoughts is really important... Maybe you could cook something easy for April and the children when they are back ?  Just hang in during those days and don't think if you can... we are here with you, you know :)
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Exactly what Laurel said-sometime you'll have to fake it. But I find that when I feel I'm done and I just want to crawl in a hole, I get dressed, ready, put on the fakest smile and cheery attitude and then the fakeness starts to fade and you actually want to smile on your own. You force the fake David for a while, and real David will poke back though slowly. That is the key though...slowly. I'd get to a point where I thought I couldn't cook dinner for my hubby and child, but made myself do it. I grunted and moaned but after it was done (nothing fancy), I was happy I could at least do something so small soberly. Then I gave myself of a reward of a hot shower and pjs for the rest of the night....You cannot take on the universe at first..you have to start in the smallest ways possible. And by you walking and eating and even considering going out with your wife and kids, well you're more than on your way!!! The journey is beginning. We're all still here and thinking of you, keep us posted. And don't be so down on yourself....you're battling a disease here!!!
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i'm glad you guys wrote. i feel so so so down. i was glad to read it takes time. i keep thinking that 7 completed days is fine, and that this 8th day should bring normalcy. i keep crying and worrying about EVERYTHING. it's not even one thing. it's the future, it's the week of withdrawals that wasted time with my family, it's how i feel right now, it's worrying about sleeping, my back pain, EVERYTHING.

just before hopping on here though, i read prescription drug wd can take up to 3 weeks and some other stuff about how our bodies stop producing endorphines and seratonin naturally, so we're off balance. I hope that's what's going on. i was to live again. i feel like death warmed over.
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I would suggest doing a google search for PAWS post accute withdrawal symptoms. But you have come a long way since day one..just keep reminding yourself of that.And yes, we're pumping our body full of endorphins and dopamine and seratonin in huge amounts, not to mention they're synthetic too. So when we get rid of those, it's almost as if our bodies literally have to learn to produce those again naturally. It's a long and huge process. And that wasted time with your family is time well wasted, as they will now have a healthy and naturally happy dad and hubby back. I'm sure if you asked them as adults if they'd rather of had a doped up in a daze dad who was slowly dying and disconnected, or a dad who chose to get better for them and he's going to be sick for a week or so and maybe not be in the best mood and stuff first, but he'll be back to normal sooner than he thinks, and he'll live a long happy and healthy life. I think they'd be happy to know that the days you had to spend getting better were giving them a lifetime of the old you...what better present is there!!!??
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Well, PAWS sounds terrible. Oh well. I'm going to try not to overthink it (per Laurel:). Back pain wasn't as bad yesterday as it has been today. The accupuncture guy said it might be bad because of his handiwork...

I'm pretty concerned about my sleep. The ambien worked once and hasn't worked the past two nights. I've been doing sominex OTC to get pockets of sleep at night, but I don't like depending on it. I feel wide awake at all times. Will this ever break or is it just different with every person - like the PAWS sites talk about.

Yeah, bad pain tonight. Groggy. Discouraged. I hope I did the right thing stopping my meds. I have only found 1 post on a different site that talked about how oxy "used correctly" can give many people a quality of life they would otherwise not have.
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Hey, I don't want that last comment to cause anyone to second guess themselves. I'm sorry. I remember the "positive" post came from a site where people were mad that the new oxy OP was not as strong (or they couldn't abuse it) as oxy OC.

If I could go back 13 months, I'm not sure what I'd do. I remember going to my doctor in unbearable pain and saying, "I need you to help me."
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OMG Im back I missed you so much!

My Laptop cable was messed up over our little holiday trip and I could not charge my Laptop anymore. Today I finally had enough energy to go and get a new one....

Its been so so tough! Work is horribly, I am counting down every minute of every hour till its time to go home and be a zombie. The fake face is so so hard to do,
I LOVE MY JOB! But now it is just horrible.
During winter break I am working at a School Age Center, the kids see right through me.
the fake face does not work with them, I just want to be happy.

I am the kind of person that has to plan everything, nothing happens on accident, from the get up time to the dress-code, for me or the children, the menu for the day what will be cooked, what pjs will be worn that night and what towel will be used.

The Pills kind of took that away from me, and I am trying to gain my control back and it is not working. I am not happy, I am trying to plan minute by minute, "maybe if I eat a little bit of chocolate in the morning it will make me happy". "In my next break I will drink some red bull and mabye it will make me a little happy"," After I get home, I check on the kids, take a shower, and read a book, maybe it will make me happy".

My muscle all over hurt (very little calcium in my body, my body will not absorb it) I am alternating Tylenol with Moltin every 6 hours all day long, so I can make it through the day. Makes my tummy hurt so bad, I lost 10 pounds since I went CT, (not sad about it as long as the sisters don't get smaller)

NOTHING,NOTHING is making me happy, well.....the sex is way better <>>.....that is really cool, way more intense and the connection between me and Eric (Hubby) is a lot better, more intense. I feel like I love him "deeper" now.

I know that you will tell me "It will get better", but the craving is still there, I have to keep my mind busy not to think about it.
Anxiety is ruling my day,
I was thinking about quitting my job today, I NEVER BEEN WITHOUT JOB! But I am seriously considering. Not a good idea, I know, but I am dragging so so much,

I know BLAH BLAH BLAH, buckle up, STFU, and keep going.......

I am so so tired, Im having such a hard time driving to and from work, I drive 1 hour and 20 min to get to work. That is so so draining now! I am done before I even get there!

Right now I am just lost, What have I done to myself? Its my own fault! Will life ever be enjoyable again? I so so seriously doubt  it!
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Hey girl hang in there you will start to feel better and I know your sick of hering this but just give it some time try the whey protein shakes you can pick them up at walmart for 15 bucks for a 2lb can drink 2 a day there loaded with vitamins essential amino acids along with the protein all of witch your brain needs to heal the chocolate flavor is good just mix it with milk
try getting some exercise even if you dont have the energy for it ....it helps right now your in the emotional faze dont make any major changes in your life other then staying clean for at least 90 days it takes that long to get into some normal brain chemistry your doing better then you think your able to work your smile will return again just give it a chance hang in there your going to make it....time for some form of aftercare you need human iteration with others that know what your going threw N/A and A/A are free and the progams work if you work them its really what you need now trust me on this one
it makes all the difference keep posting for support we all want to see you succeed
good luck and God bless  Gnarly      
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Thank you so much I need to hear that!

I know all I am doing right now is complaining, but It feels so "dark" right now.

Thank you so much for everyone who kept checking on me while I was not online for a few days. I just read all my messages!!!! Thank you so much, what in the world would I do without you?

You are part of my life right now! Part of my family if you will I think about all of you all the time during the day, How is David doing? Are you haning in there? How is April?

Im going to try to get some shuteye but its so hard, I wish I could get one night of good night sleep, and a day without cravings.......

Good night to everybody!! Big big bear HUGS!
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A big congrats on ALL your clean time I know how rough it is. You posted that your body can't absorb calcium, have you tried taking magnesium and vitimin D with it as that helps you body to absord CA. I have been follwing your and Davids (hisskidd) journey through this and you both have shown great courage and should both be VERY proud of yourselves as I am of both of you. I know how hard and frustrating this journey is but the prize at the end is well worth it. So keep on keepin on. God Bless both of you----Rick  
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YESSS don't overthink :) Lol ok, i would not worry very much about PAWS in your case, you have been on the pills for 13 months so those PAWS are not for you to worry about now, i would think :) I encourage you again to eat as healthy as you can, a protein rich food, there are foods that help with dopamine and Ltryptophan, a whey protein full of vitamins and aminos  as gnarly said,  would be good. Make a routine every day about taking care of your body and spirit... meditation, acupuncture, stretching, hot baths, walks, a healthy diet, aminos and vitamins will help also healing your spirit, trust me :)  

Problems with sleep are really very common... a hot bath before going to bed, the hylands restful legs, some relaxing tea as a routine will help you too and always some good positive thoughts ... if you are taking the melatonin, make sure you take it on the dark, this is the way it works, btw.
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It's very hard - with all of life's responsibilities - to even get your mind in the "right" frame. I don't remember how I did life before oxy. It's weird. Almost surreal.

Got a little sleep last night, but it took sleep aids. I want to try and go away from those. Most of us have at least a little bit of a cold in my house now. It's gray outside and a little rainy, so it makes the gloom worse.

I just want to be better.
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baby steps... we can only ask for baby steps but even if they are small ones, they mean a lot.. for instance, i see you say that "you just want to be better".... four days ago you would have said " i won't never be better", you see ? baby steps, david :)

now, i see you are looking at the treadmill ... ok, stop looking at it and just walk a little, some of the stuff that slow our walking forwards is that we put our expectations too high at first... you don't need walking nor running for miles, just exercising a little your muscles for now , ok? :) Hope your family will feel better soon, make some ponche anti colds for all of you  and drink it together while you relax on the couch after walking a little on this treadmill .. hot milk+honey+cinnamon will help you also with sleep ;)

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You will be feeling much better soon. Faith my friend, faith. Laurel has given you excellent advice. I am still in the midst of some confusion but experienced enough to know that one, this site educated me faster than anything possibly could have within a weeks time of finding it, and two, as hopeless as things feel at times, remember one thing..It is the result of medications that were not fully explained as to what they truly can do to a person in time..These swings, these emotions, these days of uncertainty are just byproducts of this process we have to go thru to rid ourselve's of these god aweful feelings that make us question our sanity at times. There's one statement I always use at times I'm not sure.."this will pass"...And it will. Don't drive yourself nuts trying to make it happen, just let it happen. Because its headed your way :)

(
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Thank you both. I just did 30 minutes on the treadmill. First time in years. 20 solid minutes then 10 cool down. Now I'm hungry :) I'm posting this for encouragement and mainly so I will REMEMBER!

Love you guys. I mean it.

David
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Progresso soups with a sandwich :)  They really taste good :)
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Well done you!!!!! Keep it up, and things will catch up to you slowly but surely. If anything, it's going to make you appreciate the tiniest things in life. I'll say a prayer that things stay in that direction for you :) Keep posting!!
Alison
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I cried as I read your posts because I'm going through the same thing from oxy wd.  It is so hard an I too havesmall children and a job teaching at the college.  I am on day 2 and don't think I will make it this time either.  I'm so afraid that I can't do it and reading your success helps.

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Congrats hiskidd, you are doing great! Treadmill? Walks around the neighborhood? Thats awesome! Remember last week? You've come so far! If you get a chance, pick up 5HTP from Walgreens in the vitamins section. It should help tremendously with your mood. Not quite sure how it works, but it really does. Again, your doing wonderful! Your journey has given me so much strength to embark on my own (day 1 here). Thank you, and stay strong my friend.
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Cathy, I posted on your thread...I'm praying for you.

Treadmill didn't work so well today. Had such a bad night of sleep, it set the tone for the rest of the day. I can see now, how I could justify taking "just one" oxy to "get through" the day. Back pain is crazy after second accupuncture appointment. Feeling all all around stressed. I get what "self-medicating" means now.

Wish I had a better report to give :(
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It's ok for you to not always have something positive to "report!"  This isn't easy to get through!  Even TRYING is something.  Just do what you can to get through the day without using, and it's automatically a success!!! : )
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What day are we on, David? I forgot......is it 20 Million?

Had a breakdown at work today and confessed to one of my coworkers.

She was holding me while I was boohoo crying.

The children at work and at home "smell" my weakness right now and play me like a violin.
Also, I have a coworker who is not happy with a promotion I got and she is nitpicking at everything I do. so there is so so much pressure on me right now.

I keep thinking maybe I should try this when I have less pressure, I am making excuses In my head why I should "take just one half". but I will not, I am with you David. I wanna make excuse after excuse, but remember  where we already  are David.

Im afraid if you give up I will too, I am was so so close a few times, this is hard cause I do not sleep or eat. I am doing the protein shakes, but since I went CT I have this whole stomach thing going on. the smallest little thing that grosses me out makes me sick, and we are talking "both sides". I throw up all the time, I almost feel like I am pregnant again.....just awful...... I am sure it is anxiety.
but still if I go back now, I have to do this all over again.

The muscle pain and muscle cramps are unbearable at night that comes with the Hypocalcemia that I have.
I am so sick and tired of being tired and hurt.
this HAS to stop one day David it has to! I just ****** has to.
I am off tomorrow, I will try to relax, sleep and eat as much as I can, I am so sore!

I want to cry, and just take a pill, but we know better David,......we just do......

Hugs, Berit

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HEY  you guys are doing great.....not everyday is going to be a good one you have your ups and downs in the beginning it can be a grind this is why I always say this is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental ....your mind will play tricks on you your addiction is screaming at you to come out and play...it will say things like ...''oo one pill wont hurt''' ''you deserve it after the day you have had'' the pain in my back is more then I can stand is the one that always trys to get me theirs a 1000 more....this is why we say aftercare is so important it is the very way our minds work the very way we think that needs to change....you know the static shows that lest the 10% of the people will make it 1yr clean without aftercare we cant stress this enough it will really help both of you to get involved with N/A or A/A and work it get a sponsor and work the 12 steps....this has been the path out for many of us please get help wile your still clean your walking on a tight line right now I wish you all the best in your recovery we all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless....Gnarly  
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Thanks Gnarly and Tramahater. Really. I hang on every letter sometimes :)

Berit, you have had a bad day. The protein shakes are enough. Think of all the starving people in the world. Those shakes would be like a feast to them. Your tummy will get better...

My back got a little better tonight. Ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows. Go back and read what you wrote when you were feeling better. Won't stop praying...
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it is true that you  are been testing almost every hour but here you are :) Do feel proud , David ..

Berit and David, hang in !! you have gone through a lot already, this shows you can fight this, you are doing it, this too shall pass... the mental battle too shall pass, trust yourselves that you can do it with the mental battle too !!!!
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Thank you so much guys!
Im doing much better now, I went to a friends house last night, who has a jacuzzi (since ours is not working) and a sauna, we did the sauna a few times and sat out in the freezing cold (-9 degrees Fahrenheit over here) afterwards and talked a lot while sitting in the hot water.
the Jacuzzi felt so so good, or just TALKING felt great too.

Im was so  tired last night and so relaxed that made me sleep so  well.  Im off today, I will take it easy and try some light food today, since I do not have to rush rush today.

But honestly just talking with my friend last night (or maybe hanging out all naked all night ;-) felt great.

Oh and almost forgot....remember I had a breakdown at work yesterday?
Well the lady who I was confessing to yesterday (big wig). She called me last night on my cell. She told me that she is so so proud of me for coming so far (some praises about my work) and she confessed to me that her husband (Officer) is a full blown alcoholic. That he has been drinking for the last 8 years and it has been so bad that he is drinking at work. How he gets by with that I have no idea....
Anyway.....she told me that she would be so happy if he would ever take the "step" that I did. She was crying on the phone....
This was all kinda unconformable knowing all these things about a superior, but afterwords I felt so much better (bad for her). But I am understanding now that I do not have to be perfect. NOBODY IS!!!! Not even my Management!
With this in mind, I am going into the next year, CLEAN!
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It just goes to show you that things are not always what they seem.  I always used to think that people were better off than me, living life without needing drugs to get by.  However, over time, I have learned of many of their addictions and vices.  We're all human, no matter what we do in life.  And all prone to addiction.  I'm not sure why we need to think that we're not as good as others because we have a problem.  Such a stigma attached to addiction but it should be treated like any other health condition.  And there shouldn't be any shame in it.  I hope someday the shame associated with this problem goes away.  I think its the shame that keeps us sick for so long.
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Amen!!!
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sweet! You gave it some time. Time is way over looked when it comes what you need to quit. With out the right amount of time it sure is hard. Its nice to see you guys are doing what it takes.
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help/prayer/advice?

not a good start for new year's eve guys. i'm not sure if it's the chest cold i have, lack of sleep, or just an overall weak me, but i am struggling bad. i feel so nervy. just going from one room to the next is a struggle. thinking of the future, i.e. job, paying a bill, finishing a class, makes me cringe and ball up in a sobbing mess. i feel so bad for wasting my family's vacation. i'm so tempted to go to Urgent Care (psuedo emergency room) and just taking whatever i have to to get my nerves and confidence back. my wife needs a husband, not a child, and my kids need a dad, not a little brother.

i'm sorry guys. i just don't know what is supposed to be "normal." i've taken everything you've said about aftercare to heart. it's not that i crave oxy, i crave a stable mind, the ability to sleep, and a life. i told my wife a bit ago that i don't care if its crack cocaine, i just want my life back. damn
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I hope you are doing better today. Good days, bad days. I cant stress how beneficial the 5HTP can be for clarity and serenity. Just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. God bless.
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Hey dude what your experiencing is quite normal we sort of go into an emotional roller coaster after we detox there will be times that nothing seam right and life seams hopeless
you will cry at even a sad song on the radio and then theirs the energy crash you seam like you cant move...you need to force yourself to exorcise start with a walk around the block the fresh air will also do you some good you can work your way up from there I found good nutrition very important and we can eat what we need I started drinking whey protein shakes 2 a day there loaded with vitamins essential amino acids as well as the protein all  of witch the brain needs to heal you can pick up a 2lb can up at walmart for 15 bucks the chocolate flavor is good and all you do is mix it with milk,,....I only wish I found this earlier in my recovery it makes a difference other then that....and im sure your sick of hearing it is it takes time to get well oxy is ruff to come off of but trust me you will start to sleep again and the other symptoms will start to go away good luck and God bless,,,,,Gnarly      
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David,

How are you doing?
give me a update plz! I been thinking about you all morning! did you go to the ER?
Last night was hard for me, everyone was drinking, smoking weed, having a good time.
And there I was, just being sober. But I pulled through, Im just glad right now 2010 is over and I can start on a fresh page.

I am sorry you are struggling so much !
today for me is a big cleaning day.
All the Christmas stuff has to be put up and getting everything ready and organized again for school.

but I will be checking on you all through the day on you. I am feeling for you! And I am praying for you and your family

Your friend Berit
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Thanks everyone. Not better. Not really. Didn't go to the ER, but I had to take sleeping pills to sleep. They were OTC, but I took double the recommended dosage. It's about noon, and I feel just as delapidated as ever. What's worse is that I can see the wear and tear on April. She looks like she has lost hope. This is tearing my heart out. She leans on me so much. She is a stay at home mom and does a wonderful job with our three kids (and one due in June/July). I basically work two jobs and am in school full-time. I go back to "everything" on Jan 10, and I'm am deathly afraid.

Anyway, I can't drink/eat any dairy products, so I can't do the whey shakes. I have start a multi-vitamin, but I couldn't do the treadmill yesterday because of my chest congestion. I took a short walk to the store yesterday and it was so hard on me body. I might try the treadmill today since my chest seems a little better.

I don't discount what anyone has said about time. I honestly just think or feel like maybe irrepairable (sp?) damage has been done. I don't know what to do. I have pockets of "okay" time where I can play Wii video games with my boys, and I eat sporadically, but all in all, I'm a curled up sobbing mess. Pray for me.
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617347_tn?1331296681
you will turn around this corner ....it seems each one of us has a day when things get better, i will pray for yours to come soon, David...btw, there are soy shakes with the same aminos and vitamins, just in case you want them. Hang in, David
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you. It wasn't long after your post that I went to GNC to get the soy powder. I can't say today/tonight was easy, but I did do another mile (25 minutes) on the treadmill, and took my family out for pizza. My wife could tell it was hard for me to sit there. The right side of my head started tingling and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I was convinced I was going to the ER after we got back from dinner. BUT, I hung in there, drank my lemonade, ate a little and calmed down some. I made it home, played Wii with my boys, and now am preparing for church tomorrow. I'm very tired. Still in pain. But I guess it's another day in the books.

It was weird. I looked at so many people in the restaurant in envy. They all looked so happy and healthy and normal. I pray God would have mercy, that I may be normal one day soon.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey dude ok I see from what you said you cant do the whey protein shakes we need to get some amino acids in your body look to the lower right of the screen under heath pages
and look up the amino acid protacall ...you need to get these amino acids in your system it will help you heal your brain right now it is lacking key ingredients to you feeling better
thats why I like the whey protein it contains a lot of what you need I know this is a struggle for you it was for me also so you got to give your body what it needs to fight back GNCwill have everything you need keep posting and hang in there dude better days are ahead
good luck and God bless.....Gnarly....btw never under estimate the healing power of God
he got me where im at and life is a beautiful place once again  
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Sorry David I was not more active "there" for you yesterday.
It was such a busy day, and the cleaning took so much out of me, I fell asleep and slept most of the afternoon, it felt so good.

Today ( it is 01:35 right now) Im going to church for the first time in a long time.
I found a church I think I feel ok with, some friends are taking me and my family along.
Im nervous but happy to feel closer to him!

I will be praying for you and your family,
I did not know April is having a baby! Congrats, what a strong and brave women, 4 kids and the household that's a huge job!

I was going to tell you something about the soy products. try a little of it first. Eric is also very Lactose intolerant, he can not even drink a little creamer in his coffee or even have just one bite of ice cream without getting very sick.
Anyway, we tried the soy products on him for calcium and vitamin D. OMG, he got so so horribly gassy is was crazy, and it smelled like nothing I have ever smelled before. It was unbearable, he smelled like that for like 24 hours. I wanted to lock him into the garage lol. so be careful, and just try a little first and see what your tummy does.

Hope you are sleeping well tonight, Im going to try to get some more sleep to, its hard cause I am nervous about church tomorrow, Im so worried to be around all those people tomorrow. what if I get anxiety or panic? Im still having a lot of anxiety problems......

Please remember you are not alone! You did so well today, you did babysteps today,
also please remember he will not put anything on you that you can not handle!

Big Hugs,

Berit
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Avatar_m_tn
Super weak today. Pretty discouraged. The ironic part is that my back feels a little better, but anytime I think of the future, I shudder. I wish I had this glowing report to give everyone. I'm not sure I would have embarked on giving up oxy if I knew I would not be healed by 2 weeks time. Tomorrow is day 14, and i'm tired of taking sleeping pills to sleep, tired of being weak for my family, tired of crying for no reason, and just plain ashamed and tired. i thought so much of going back on oxy today, but i'm haunted by the thought of going through ALL THIS hell for nothing. I genuinely figure I averaged 45mg of oxy per day for 13 months, and keep rationalizing how that's "not so bad." yeah right.

Sorry guys for all this stuff. I think this post is so long, not sure anyone's reading anyway. love, david
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yes, there are people reading your posts, David but it is true you culd start a new one to make easier reading the new posts.

It is a good sign that your back feels better, i think that once you are not in so much pain from it, you will start feeling better overall :)

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David, I put a tag on every message that you send on every post, it tells my phone and then I go see if you are ok.

But yeah start a new post, so we do not have to scroll down to much anymore, Im getting to lazy for it. But still I will scroll all day to read your messages if I have to, cause you are one of the ppl the helped me to be where I am right now. I am here.....readying your messages EVERY TIME!

Dont give up your not alone! And this is not BS its from the bottom of my heart!

Big hugs,

Berit
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Hey David and Berit -
I am the biggest believer that all things really do happen for a reason. Most of the time, it's not apparent for a while what the purpose in certain things are, but they happen and then something good or meaningful will shine through. That's why I think the both of you found each other on this forum at the time you did. I've been following and reading this (yes David, lots of people read, but maybe start a new one?) since it began. And although I've sent you guys both personal messages, I've never said what is so obvious to me now: you guys are like yin and yang to each other..One of you is having a bad day, the other balances it out by encouraging and vice versa. You guys are doing such a great job, and you have each other to lean on or lift up, whatever the moment calls for. You're both doing an amazing job and all the credit goes to both of you for facing this head on and kicking it in the balls! You're putting up an amazing fight, and you're giving others inspiration to go one more hour or day or week. They see you guys and what you've been through and are going through, and it gives them hope to push a little harder. Look how far you've come - you should both give your aching backs a big pat! Keep going, I know it's grueling. But just when you sound like you're not able to push another step out, you do. This is really putting you through the biggest challenge physically and now mentally. I really hope, like others have posted, that you guys get into some kind of therapy or counseling or AA or NA meetings sooner than later. You've pushed through WAY too much. You've come too far. Now start relying on some aftercare. Berit, look how much it helped you to lean on a coworker..now imagine doing that with a substance abuse counselor or sponsor..? You'd have a chance to really get to the bottom of things and you'll be so thankful you did. You can have that too David, if you confide in someone, like a sponsor or therapist. I know it doesn't seem like right now that you'd gain much out of it, but just try it and you'd be amazed at how much it helps. Hell, it helps 'normal' people even feel better and resolve lots of issues. So yes, start a new thread and we'll keep reading and posting..we would anyway, but like Berit said, we're getting lazy with having to scroll down the page so far!! ...how sad are we??!!! LOL.....but I said a prayer for the both of you and anyone else going through a struggle, that they will find peace of mind, like you said you want so bad David. It will come, I promise! But maybe to push it a little faster, talk to a professional substance abuse counselor, addicitonologist, therapist, or sponsor, etc. God bless you both, we're pulling for you!!! You'll do this, you ARE doing this...xo
Alison
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey!  Please don't be discouraged!  That is a quick way to get miserable!!!!  The fatigue, or weakness and inability to sleep well will get better at around 3 to 4 weeks if I remember right when I detoxed from oxy a few years ago.  If you can hang in for a little longer or start some good exercise that will help!

Please hang on!  It does get better!
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi guys. The night (at 8:30pm) is going ok. Again, my back is feeling a little better. I'm almost positive my back and neck pain are related to stress and anxiety. The MRI I had last year didn't "show much." Certainly not enough for them to order surgery. The pain was/is real, but right now it's ebbs and flows.

Anyway, I'm praying for sleep tonight without sleeping pills, but I may need at least one (OTC).

I wanted you all to keep me in your thoughts. When I went to the ER 12 days ago for Ambien, they made me an appointment with my Dr. for tomorrow at 10am. I'm not sure I even want to go. I don't want EXTRA anit-anxiety meds since I've been on Klonopin for so long. (.05mg 2 times a day).

Anyway, I love you all and I will start the new thread Monday or Tuesday IF I'm up to it. I feel like there is not much else you guys can tell me, but I don't want you to think I am just tossing out the advice. It's just hard to get from one room to the next some moments. I'll put the name hiskidd somewhere in the new thread. God bless you all.
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617347_tn?1331296681
David, i had a lot of problems with sleep,.... it is one of those things lingering longer... rls, lack of energy , motivation and sleep were with me for weeks ... take each day at a time ...sleep will come with time and i can say that i had no problems to leave the melatonin behind so don't worry about taking them for now, please..
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