Advice on making amends...

So,...the time has come. I've been preparing for this and dreading this for a while now. I have asked for forgiveness from my close loved ones (husband, children, mom, dad, sister....) but now it's time to step out of that comfort zone and go to some of the people that I feel I owe an apology and an explaination as to what was going on with me. I know not to have any expectations as far as forgiveness and that as long as I've done my part then that's all that I can do. I'm still very nervous though. I guess I am still an active approval addict which is I suppose where the anxiety comes from. But I know that I must do this or I will never heal. Not only do I owe these people an apology but I owe it to myself to allow some healing and I know it won't come without doing this. This is my program and I'm not suggesting that it should be yours. This is what I have to do. Please, to those of you that pray, your prayers would be greatly appreciated. Any advice will be taken to heart. Thanks...

[GA Guy]

Are you on the 9th step or just doing this alone? A AA or NA sponsor is the one that can help immensely with this.The part of the step that states "except when to do so would injure them or others" is there for a reason.

[IBKleen]

Are you doing this with your sponsor or are you winging it?

If you have chosen to take this upon yourself, please think about who you are going to talk to and what you are going to say. Basically you are doing a ninth step on your own and please remember how it reads: "We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

There were things that I did during my active addiction that I did not directly admit to during my ninth step because it would have hurt them and myself. My amends to them did not come in the form of words, but in my actions.

[Cissy373]

I do believe in prayer and will be praying for you. Stay strong.

Cissy

[mtgoat911]

STEP NINE
"We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

This step should not be avoided. If we do, we are reserving a place in our Program for relapse. Pride, fear and procrastination often seem an impossible barrier; they stand in the way of progress and growth. The important thing is to take action and be ready to accept the reactions of those persons we have harmed. We make amends to the best of our ability.

Timing is an essential part of this step. We should make amends when the first opportunity presents itself, except when to do so will cause more harm. Sometimes we cannot actually make the amends; it is neither possible nor practical. In some cases, amends may be beyond our means. We have found that willingness can serve in the place of action where we are unable to contact the person we have harmed. However, we should never fail to contact anyone because of embarrassment, fear or procrastination.

We want to be free of our guilt, but we don't wish to do so at the expense of anyone else. We might run the risk of involving a third person or some companion from our using days who does not wish to be exposed. We do not have the right or the need to endanger another person. It is often necessary to take guidance from others in these matters.

We recommend turning our legal problems over to lawyers and our financial or medical problems to professionals. Part of learning how to live is not to take on problems and responsibilities that we are not equipped to deal with.

In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many instances we can only go to the person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when some old friend or relative proves very willing to let go of their bitterness. To go to someone who is hurting from the burn of our misdeeds can be dangerous. Indirect amends may be necessary where direct ones would be unsafe or endanger other people. We can only make our amends to the best of our ability. We try to remember that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves. Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel relieved about our past.

We accept that it was our actions that caused our negative attitude. Step Nine helps us with our guilt and others with their anger. Sometimes, the only amend we can make is to stay clean ourselves. We owe it to ourselves and loved ones. We are no longer making a mess in society as a result of our using. The only way we can make amends to some of the people we have harmed is to contribute to society. Now, we are helping ourselves and other addicts achieve cleanliness. This is a tremendous amend to the whole community.

In the process of our recovery we were restored to sanity and part of sanity is effectively relating to others. We less often view people as a threat to our security. Real security will replace the physical ache and mental confusion we have experienced in the past. We approach those we have harmed with humility and patience. Many of our sincere well-wishers would be reluctant to accept our recovery as real. We must remember the pain they have known. In time many miracles will occur. Many of us that were separated from our families succeed in establishing relationships with them. Eventually it becomes easier for them to accept the change in us. Clean time speaks for itself. Patience is an important part of our recovery. The unconditional love we experience will rejuvenate our will to live, and each positive move on our part will be matched by an unexpected opportunity. A lot of courage and faith goes into making an amend, and a lot of spiritual growth results. We are achieving freedom from the wreckage of our past. We will want to keep our "house in order" by practicing a continuous personal inventory in Step Ten.

[mtgoat911]

that was all out of the book, but my personal experience with amends after getting clean had alot to deal with something called living amends, in which i had to stay clean long enough to change my behaviors, its was impossible to pay back all the money i owed, or totally get rid of all my character defects as soon as i put down the drugs, i had to prove to the people i loved that i was serious and ready to be a part of their life, most of the time i just started showing up when i was supposed to or pay start making payments on bills i had thrown away in my addiction, with the kids i chose to go through a parenting in recovery workbook that helped me with making amends to my children, everyone on here has such great advise to this process, a sponsor can help when it comes to timing and how to go about the process, the steps leading up to the 9th also help make it a more natural process

[jossysmom]

Thank you so much for all of advice. To answer your question: I am doing this on my own. I have a sponsor in Celebrate recovery and I'm working the 4th step right now. However, I feel like it would be insulting to the people that I see once or twice a week and just act like nothing happened. Like I never went into their house and stole from them. They know the truth, they are just waiting for me to take initiative and apologize. I know they have already forgiven me as they have told me I just haven't come out and said..."I'm sorry for (fill in the blank)"
I am not working the 9th step and that isn't my intention until I get there but I feel strongly about making amends to some of the people that I was in a close relationship that I destroyed. Currently, I am trying to build those relationships back to a trustworthy and mutually respectful state and feel like making amends is the only way to start over.

I re-read over this post and I want to make it very clear that I'm not trying to be defensive (as we all know portraying emotions over a keyboard can be somewhat challenging)...I just wanted to inform all of you who are trying to help of the smaller details in this particular situation.

I can't say it enough, THANK YOU  so much for giving your time and effort to this forum and to people like me, who have been around for a long time but only post when it's neccesary to my recovery. You guys have many blessing stored up for you merely because you care enough to respond. You never know whose sitting on the other end of that post and you all seem to answer very neutrally instead of judgementally.
God Bless!!

[mtgoat911]

sounds like you have a great plan, celebrate recovery is great, used to love going to those
now i just use secular recovery, are you doing the 12step bible with your sponsor, i did that with a friend about 9 yrs ago, i need to find all that stuff, it was great

[worried878]

funny how people who care about u can just act like nuttin happened..like nuttin is wrong when everyone in the room knows that sumpin is very wrong...it is good u r following the program..to me that is proof u mean business..u r doing what it takes to get and stay clean..staying clean is the hard part...anyone of us who has been there knows this...getting clean is so very easy compared to staying clean///u r working the program so ur chances of succes sky rocket cos most do not....u will be able to lick this
  Often apologies, forgiveness is for our own needs...u can actually forgive someone without ever telling them..forgiving others in our own hearts can help us move forward...but in ur case u want forgiveness from those u love..and beleive it or not, in time many will ofrgive without the actual words ever being spoken....if this is a need u have then i would move forward and simply let them know how well u r doing and how much they mean to u.without their love and kindness u would never have been able to do this//how much u appreciate their being there for u...not deserting u completely....appreciate them and let them know

I do know exactly what u mean tho...they r there..you guys seak...and it is all hunky dorey if u dint know better...but u do..there is a fakeness to the whole thing...and u want to go back to how it used to be....it may take some more time...time heals all,,but i would play it by ear....these oppurtunities will come up/ to say what u need to say...and dont let it weigh heavily on ur mind....focus on u..getitin clean and staying clean...cos in the end that is what will heal ur relationships and the damage u may have done by using,,hang tight