Alcoholic?

[lookingforanswers812]

Hi, I have been reading around on this site, and I found a lot of things that are true of me right now. I am very worried about it, I am only 23, recently graduated with a Bachelor's in Psychology and a 4.0 (which was very easy for me at the time), and have a fifteen month old son who means the world to me. I cannot tell you exactly when my drinking started to get out of hand - all I can say for sure is that I didn't drink at all while pregnant, drank socially before becoming pregnant, and I remember that I definitely didn't drink for the first month or two after my son was born because I was breastfeeding him, which I had to stop when I first returned to finish up school. This was about 13 1/2 months ago. I don't remember when I started drinking every day, but I do remember my fiancee pointing out it out and teasing that I was an alcoholic. I then remember stopping and buying beer before school or on breaks and sneaking it in and pounding down 6 in the bathroom before class. I also remember that I instead bought the beer and pounded down as many as I could right down the street from my house (about two minutes) so I could make it home without hurting anybody and be able to feel its effects while at home without being given a hard time about it. Then I got sick of trying to drink that much beer that fast, and it wasn't working anymore. I did drink over the summer because we had a lot of cookouts, but I do not think that I drank every day (to the best of my memory), and I certainly didn't get drunk EVERY day (although I passed out drunk within about 30 minutes of starting drinking at my birthday party in August). My next memory involving my drinking came when I started at grad school in September. I would buy vodka on the way to school every night I had class (3 nights per week), pour it into small soda bottles, and drink it in small shifts in the bathroom (the classes were 4 hours long). I would only keep a buzz during class so no one would know and i could still function, but a couple times I overdid it a little bit and said I had taken cough medicine for a cold or something. I would drink heavily around the corner from my house (but vodka this time) and would become drunk shortly after arriving home. I took great care to avoid being caught and decided to convince my fiancee that my drunken actions were the result of not enough sleep and a mysterious medical condition that I saw several specialists for so he would believe me. (I told none of the doctors about my drinking.) I now buy a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka every 2-3 days and sneak it into restroom bathrooms to pour it into smaller bottles on the way home from school. I make sure the coast is clear and quickly hide them when I come home. I usually never drink until the very end of the day, once I have done everything I need to do (homework, baby in bed, etc.), but I sometimes start drinking while still doing homework and become unable to finish. My usual routine is to get everything done besides things that will total about 15 minutes to do, slam down 1/2-3/4 of a Powerade bottle (which are 32 ounce bottles) straight, eat or drink something to get rid of the smell, finish my few things left to do, and try to make it to bed. Sometimes I pass out on the couch or in another room with no memory of how I got there, and, I am extremely ashamed to admit it, but I drink myself into a semi-comatose state several times a week, during which time I usually wet the bed. My fiancee again thinks this is due to a medical problem. I want to stop. I am no longer thin and pretty, I am officially obese and bloated looking. School is so difficult for me now and I am always very confused, nervous, jittery, and saying strange things. I feel stupid. I feel like  the most selfish piece of crap because I have a son who needs me and I am ruining my health. I had my whole life ahead of me, and I can't seem to admit out loud to ANYone, even doctors, that I have a problem. It's so weird because I never want to drink during the day, but I absolutely cannot fall asleep without excessive amounts of liquor. I don't know how or why it started, or how to stop it. Does anyone have any advice or a similar situation??

[cork712]

Hello and welcome to this forum. I go to AA meetings even though my problem is/was prescription med use. If you are in college, most schools have AA meetings right on the campus during the day. See if yours has something like that. I have kids and cannot make any night meetings either. I just googled meetings at the college in my town and nearby schools, and they all have meetings in the day--some are every day of the week. During my grad school days, my universities always had daytime meetings. See what you can find for some extra support. You don't have to talk at the meetings, but I get a lot out of hearing problems and solutions. And my group is all women too which is more comfortable for me. Good luck! It was hard for me to go to that first meeting (VERY HARD), but I left feeling great and went back for more!

[lookingforanswers812]

It is interesting that you brought that up. i have absolutely struggled with obsessive-compulsive tendencies throughout my life (things with numbers, touching things with both hands, needing a 4.0, etc.). Ironically, I had started grad school for Mental Health Counseling - Addictions and Trauma, because I had not yet realized my own problem (which also ironically got worse while I studied the program and strove for perfect grades). I chose that program of study because I am a trauma victim who has struggled with different  addictions (bulimia and anorexia, namely), and wanted to help those whom I felt I could relate to. However, I cannot help others until I can help myself. And I will continue to check back each time I get the chance until I am able to attend meetings (and after that, probably). Thank you again for your words of encouragement!

[lookingforanswers812]

Hi, I have not gotten the chance to write back yet because I can only do so safely while in school (meaning without getting caught and having my secret exposed). I would love to go to AA. I believe that that is the place where I can learn how and when to tell my family, who needs to know, etc. But in the meantime, at least until school ends, I am so busy with my son and schoolwork that I usually can't even keep my doctor's appointments. I feel that if my school work suffers, that will be the last part of me that was still worth something that was being destroyed. I work hard and get all A's, all the while picking drunken fights that I can't even remember in the morning (the evidence is him not being in the bed with me when I wake or him still being angry with me in the morning; I try to play it off like I remember based on clues from what he says so he doesn't know that I was in a druken stupor and therefore forgot), not waking up half the time when I have to pee, I have my loved ones thinking I have some mysterious physical or neurological illness causing my problems, my memory is either non-existent when it comes to many thing or I find I have many completely false memories, and I am destroying my body. I want so bad to stop, and after my last post on here, I have thought about the things you've told me each night when I go to drink, and I have drank slightly less than I have in months (i.e., trying to take smaller swigs, waiting to see if I can sleep, and if not going back for a little more until I sleep). I have felt a little better, have not wet the bed, and have not been cruel to my fiancee in the past few nights. But I still would love to be able to sleep on my own. Yesterday, margaritas were being made at my fiancee's mother's house (her and her boyfriend are both pretty severe alcoholics), and I went overboard and kind of embarrassed my self and my fiancee. I do remember the day, but I also remember people laughing about it and commenting on how much I drank, how much tequila I put in, etc. This is why I try to wait up until the last minute after I have finished everything for the day and no one is around to drink myself to sleep. I have embarrassed myself or passed out at parties wayyy too many times. I dread the summer and the cookouts and parties that will be held at my house. Because, as you said, once I start, I cannot stop. I no longer drink to enjoy a social occasion with friends, but to get drunk. It would be so obvious to everyone that i have a problem if I drank in front of people. For now, the support I am getting on here will have to be enough, at least until school is over. I have showed some improvement, however slight, and I really hope it continues. Thank you again for your encouraging words.

[Bubulous]

I am always trying to learn and gain knowledge about addiction, the behaviors that feed it, and the underlying issues that feed it.  A common denominator for a lot of us is that we are obsessive.  I am not sure the percentage of people that were obsessive before the addiction because most people do not bring those tendencies up or never noticed that they have them but by the end of the addiction most of us know what obsession is about.  It can cause relapse, it will cause anxiety in early recovery, and it may take a long time to get rid of if not worked on.  
Openmind is right.  This is a time to be selfish.  I am not saying that you have to go to AA and right now if all you have is us that is definitely a great start.  The thing is now that you have started and you realize it has become a problem and you can no longer manage it, AA would be an excellent place to go and even though it is not for everybody, it is and has always been the best thing going for alcoholics to find and maintain sobriety.
I hope someday you will be in a place where you are able to attend some meetings.  For know keep coming back on here as much as possible and try to check in everyday to let us know how you are doing whenever possible.  You can have your sanity back and you can put this in your past.  The past doesn't matter anyway.  What matters is that we learn from it, try not to make the same mistakes over and over, that we learn to live one day at a time, and that we are constantly striving for progression and not perfection :)
Check back in tomorrow and let us know how you are doing bud,

Larry

[OpenMind24hours]

Don't forget my friend, you painted a vivid picture in the description of yourself in your first post. I could identify with you right out the window. You're a very good journalist! So, I'm going to be very honest with you. Please know that it's totally out of compassion for you, a fellow alcoholic who has the exact same disease that I have. I want to help you. And helping you helps me stay clean. When you get clean you'll see how that works first hand. And I know you'll get clean  :-)

You wrote: "I cannot go to AA, because if he/my family finds out, all hell will break lose. I cannot disappoint them like that."  Screw everybody! It's your life that is in jeopardy, not their's. You've got to do this for YOU. Your worth it! People places and things come and go in our lives, so we need to do this for ourselves and ourselves alone. It's a selfish program of recovery. And I guarantee, they all will be disappointed if you DON'T stop. Sooner or later alcoholism will catch up with you. Everybody in both families will find out soon enough. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse. And sadly, it becomes very obvious to our loved ones that we indeed have a problem.

If you have the disease of alcoholism, how do you think continuing to practice it will go?  I don't know about you, but when I drink all bets are off. I'm allergic to alcohol. When I drink I'll break out in bars. Once I start I can't stop drinking. I'll jump behind the wheel and drive so drunk that I have to keep one eye closed because I'm seeing 4 roads! Done it. I never got caught but many people with the disease DO see the light, and it's blue and flashing. Then along comes a court date, a criminal felony record and the judge will MAKE them go to AA wearing a GPS ankle bracelet. I've signed court sheets for people at just about every meeting i go to. What I'm trying to illustrate is the fact that alcohol steals our dignity. When we drink, It takes away our ability to think rationally. THAT'S when all hell breaks loose. Hell doesn't break loose becoming clean and sober.

Actually, the disease itself becomes AA's best advocate. Most of us are driven there under the lash of alcoholism. We have no choice. We either must stop or eventually end up in jails, institutions or death.

I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic and addict because I'm clean now. My entire family and my close friends know I don't drink, and It's no big deal to anybody. I have the respect of my kids, my entire extended family, and the freelance accounts I work for. But if i wanted to remain completely anonymous, I can. Being sober is no big deal to anybody but us, the ones who need to be. And most of us sober people have found peace in our lives. Life has become predictable. I don't have to drink anymore. You don't have to either.

Keep us posted on how your doing.    

[lookingforanswers812]

Thank you both so much for your responses! And no, you don't need to tell me that I have a problem - I guess I am here because I already know. And I do believe that you are right - in fact, I have been wondering the exact same things myself! Why did this start all of a sudden, after never experiencing problem drinking before? I drank comfortably and when I felt like it at home, until my fiancee started pointing out that I was acting like i was on my way to being a full-blown alcoholic, triggering me to drink in private, which in turn became out of control drinking. His parents are both raging alcoholics and it ruined his life. I have always had some sort of obsessive need to be perfect, whether it be in looks, school, socially, etc. Now I am not perfect in anything, and I am obsessed with at least maintaining perfect grades to show that my mind is not as shot as it appears to be (what with my constant drinking causing severe memory lapses/false memories). However, doing this, especially with a baby and all of the alcohol, has now become nearly impossible. I don't get hardly any help in taking care of the baby. I NEED to study, but my fiancee is never around from the time I get home from school to the time I pass out drunk. This leaves no time for homework and studying. He calls me lazy and useless because I just "sit around" for most of the day at my computer once I get home (trying to do homework), and he does more housework than I do (even though he is currently unemployed, and I am the only one who actually has something important to do). I cannot go to AA, because if he/my family finds out, all hell will break lose. I cannot disappoint them like that. To answer other questions, my uncle is a recovering alcoholic and crack addict, my father is obsessed with prostitutes, several family members are bipolar, and depression and anxiety are common in my family.

I have tried SO many times to just quit, but if I do make it past the liquor store, come bed time, I am concocting some ridiculous excuse for why I need to go to the store (and alone, at that) and end up doing my routine with buying/hiding my alcohol. I am ready to admit out loud to a support group that I have a problem, but not to my family or friends. That is why I turned here, where I can take measures to be sure that my posts remain private. I would LOVE to be able to go to an AA meeting every night, but I simply cannot get away without admitting to where I am going, and admission is simply not an option for me right now if I want to keep my son....this is so hard, and I appreciate the support you two have offered me more than you know. I will be checking back in and responding whenever the opportunity presents itself.

[OpenMind24hours]

There also is another forum on this site completely devoted to alcoholism, but after reading your story I decided to write to you here. I'm cross-addicted with alcohol as one of the drugs that I'm recovering from. Alcohol is a drug, just like crack, to someone who has the disease of alcoholism. It's cunning baffling and very powerful. It's addiction in it's purest form. Once we become an alcoholic, we're alcoholics for life. Only complete sobriety can make us and keep us normal.

You wrote: "I had my whole life ahead of me, and I can't seem to admit out loud to ANYone, even doctors, that I have a problem." Please know that once that admission is made the way is cleared. So, on this forum you've already admitted it. If you go to an AA meeting tomorrow night and admit it, suddenly you're in recovery, just like that. It's very easy to get into recovery. You've come here for help. That's actually winning half the battle already. Just by asking for help from us, you're admitting that you're powerless over alcohol and that it's made your life unmanageable.

Of course the only way to quit drinking is to first quit drinking. The hard part is to STAY quit. And we alcoholics find that we simply cannot do that alone. We need help. Lot's of help. Help from other recovering alcoholics who've ironed the same problem we have. Personally, the only place I found that kind of help was at AA meetings (aftercare). I personally know many ppl in recovery who have gone to treatment centers. They're good! They keep you separated from your drug of choice while you study about your disease, talk to drug counselors, and most have AA or NA meetings within the facility that you attend. Not everyone has a 28 days to spare. I didn't go. I just went to AA. Treatment centers will get you clean, but aftercare will keep you clean.

Your personal story is amazing. I can really identify with you. But you have a decision to make my friend. Right now you're standing at the fork in the road. You can get help, or sink deeper and deeper into the bog of alcoholism. Our disease, when practiced, never gets any better, only worse. We will always support you on here as you recover. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. You can do this!

[Bubulous]

I don't have to tell you, I don't think, that you have a problem.  There seems to be something going on and I hope you address it as soon as possible.  
It sounds like you have a good life, a good family, and a good husband.  It is going to hard to determine what is going on while you are still drinking.  First off, has anyone in your family been diagnosed with any mental problems?  Any major anxiety, chronic depression, bipolar...and so on?
Has any of your family members had a problem with addiction before or now...pills, alcohol...or any other drugs?