Almost a crack widow

[MassimosMom]

I am in love with a crack addict. For four years now I have ridden the wave of his addiction-periods of being clean when he is the wonderful man I fell in love with, to him cycling again. We recently had our first child, a son, now 7 weeks old. He said how much us being a family meant to him, how our son's birth changed his life. Recently, the crack addict personality emerges more and more. I just want to know-why am I and his son not enough? And also, are these behaviors common for a crack addict-calling me names constantly, blaming me for all the arguing (I'm apparently a b***h for nagging him-I confront him for spending more time out with "buddies" sometimes he goes overnight for one or two nights, returning early in a.m., then sleeping, angry outbursts, lies, trying to lie to others to make everything look like my fault (even though I have never used anything, even a cigarette, in my life, let alone drugs) not showing care for me, avoiding coming home, saying one day he loves me (but that I **** him off) and the next he hates me, never loved me and I'm a wh*r* and a c*nt, and he wants me out of his life, the next that he loves me. Is this normal behavior for crackheads? Also, is it normal that they threaten harm, esp. if you confront them on things or "boss" them (ie:ask they not hang around those "buddies" and start spending time with their new family they had said they wanted so badly) I love this man so much-I expected to spend my life with him, and when he is not going out or around those people and is home with me and clean at the time, we are so in love and happy. I keep getting drawn back in with the promises and lies and BS. He has started hitting me also (IS physical violence common from crackheads to people they LOVE? Does this and the hurtful things he says and does to me lately mean he really DOESN'T love me? Please tell me!), and as of yesterday I called the police, got a protection order and took our son and left. I don't know if he has even come home yet to know we're gone. I've now left our home, our puppies, all our possessions and my dreams of being a real family, a raising our son together. So long story short, what kinds of things do crackheads do and say to people they had claimed they love (ie: their wife of four years?) and does this mean they really don't or didn't ever love them?  I guess I'm just feeling emotionally destroyed right now.

[BornofOsiris]

well massimo you came to the right place to get help and advice...there is usually 2-4wifes that come on here in your exact same shoes...This story breaks my heart and i hope everything works out, you will be in my thoughts. I have never been in your situation but i have read many posts like yours. These are all symptons of people using. And i will let you know that you did the right thing for leaving...this is not a good environment to raise a kid...and remember NONE OF THIS is your fault...its his...There is a group called AL-anon and it supports people who are in love with a person who has an addiction. Stay strong and congrats on the new baby boy, life should be cherished with every breath, dont let a addiction take that away!!

PS
This WILL NOT last...This CANNOT last...

[BIKERDAD1963]

Time for the ultimadem. Tell him exactly how you feel and even better show him. Show him the physical scars and the mental scars and plead with him to stop. Tell him you will be there every step of the way. Make sure he knows that you are committed to this and no matter how bad it gets you will stand by him during this process. If you are important enough to him he will get the help. Be prepared with all the facts before approaching him with this. Look into a rehab center or a doctor. Even better go to a doctor with your problem and he can even get you a bunch of info. Until he truly understands how bad his problem is he wont do anything about it. This is a great first step now you need to go on to the next step.

[MassimosMom]

Hi. I have shown him my hurt over his addiction for years now.  It gets better for awhile sometimes and I believe all the promises to change, which is why I stay-because sometimes it does change, for a little while.  I have cried more tears than I thought I had in me.  I have reinforced my commitment to him in so many ways-I 've stayed through years of off and on beatings, threats, hurtful behavior, cheating on me once when he was high, us having to move 5 times because of his use (not paying rent, going to jail, etc,) being in jail for 9 mths, telling and showing him how much I love him and want him to stop-I'm important enough for him to stop periodically, but by staying I think I have been too available to him and give him no real incentive to stop. After this last round of physical abuse and threats I finally left with only a suitcase so my son and I would be safe, now the police are involved and they (not me) have decided to press charges against him. This whole thing has become so overwhelming. In one shot I lose everything, including my dreams of us being a family together, having more children some day and growing old together, as well as my home, money, possessions, and very nearly my sanity. He is not aware of police involvement yet, but will hate me even more (at least for awhile..or maybe forever if he doesn't get clean enough to realize what he's done) His family is in denial about his use (they have enabled him for years-his older brother is in the pen for similar reasons) and also blame me-because he tells them none of what has been going on ever happened. I don't know what else to do...I feel so lost...my heart is just smashed...I feel so conflicted and hope I'm doing the right thing, not just for me and our son's immediate safety but hopefully for longterm change (for the better) for all of us. I feel horrible the police are involved and I'm sending the man I love to jail, but on the other hand his actions were his own and I hope this will be enough of a bottom for him to hit that he can maybe get well someday...

[avisg]

I has a very good friend that went threw this with her bf for 7 years before he went to jail.
He would steal money from her ,be gone a few nights at a time there was abuse and yes he tried to make it all her fault.They had a baby to bad she hardly gets to see her dad cuz he is in jail.He tried rehab to times because she said either you do  or I leave.Problem was that he didn't want to quit so it never stuck.Plz take care of your self and your baby.Crack is a very hard drug to get off of they really have to want too .Worry about making a life for you and your child.Then if he can get clean and stay that way for a time period you choose then decide of you want to let him back in your life .Take can of you now !!!

[BIKERDAD1963]

You made the right desicion by leaving. He hasnt hit rock bottom yet. I am sorry for all you have been thru. I suggest that you seek help now, get far away from him and his family. If you are religious I suggest praying. I no I will pray for you. I no its hard to see and its hard to hear but things will get better and the life you seek will find you eventually. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger. Time to focus on your child and do all you can do to make sure its life is as good as you can make it. just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the rite thing for you and let him worry about doing whats rite for him.

[MassimosMom]

Thank you to everyone on this site for your replies, they are helping me to understand and to cope. I think the worst part is the guilt I feel, and how much I feel my son and I have lost (with his Dad and my husband possibly never going to be a part of our lives again, let alone the family I wanted so much-which he had said he wanted, too.) and watching him deteriorate. The problem is also his family.  His mother always gives him money, everything he's ever owned has been in her name, partly out of her need to control and partly because she knows he's too unstable to handle some things himself) but still she believes him when he says he's not using, or that it's just alcohol, or that it's my fault (because he tells her lies about what's going on or says anything to make me look bad) She says he'll just come live with her, that he does "just fine" when he lives with her, basically insinuating his use is my fault, despite the fact he's stolen from her to get money, that she's seen him high, that he was messed up for years before I ever came along, that he's gone to jail for this before and that her older son, his brother, is in the pen for crack use and dealing.   But she insists he wouldn't lie to her, he is using just booze very little once in awhile, he's just stressed, that's all, and that I must be imagining the abuse.  Anyone have any advice for how to deal with a partner's mother who is like this?  I have begged with her to see what's really happening, explained how her and I are enabling him and how he needs treatment from a professional and how she is not actually helping him but allowing him to stay sick, but she basically insists he does not need treatment, all he needs is to stay with her and everything will be fine-and she reinforces this to him regularily, so even when he finally wants help she basically tells him that idea is ridiculous.  Any advice?  This is really increasing my stress and complicating matters so much worse.

[MassimosMom]

Is it true crack addicts hurt and are cruelest and meanest to those who love them most?  And do they actually love the people they do this to (even though they will insult, hurt you, say they don't love you or say it's your fault or they hate you) or are they only using them and don't really love them?

[MassimosMom]

P.S. Thank you for the tip on Al-anon. I went to some meetings a couple of years ago when he was in a really bad use cycle (not long before he went to jail last time) but I realize I really need the help more than ever again now. I know I am rambling on in some of my responses, and writing a lot, I just feel a lot pent up inside, as I never really talked too much to anyone about what was going on and just kind of isolated myself, or threw myself even harder into trying to help him.  I never told my family the extent of his abuse of me because I didn't want them to judge him (because I thought this was the man I'd be with the rest of my life) They would have been furious and our family has never had substance issues so this is all new. Thanks to everyone for letting me vent...