Anyone else like me?

[perfectdrug]

I'm not sure how to even start this, normally I just start typing like now and things just come up. Okay here goes, hi, Not sure if this will qualify as a question I just want to talk and if anyone feel the same as me or has anything to say, feel free i want to hear it.
I'm a girl, 22, and i have been smoking crystal meth for about 5 years now. it's been a very interesting 5 years to say to the least. i came from a good home, everything perfect except i didn't want that life. now looking back i'd do anything to go back. but i hung out with people that were lets say not my class. did drugs, drank, smoked cigarettes, clubs, guys name it. finally one day senior year i went to my best friends boyfriends house and while i was sitting on the bed playing a video game i saw him take out tin foil, and a weird contraption made out of a white owl and pens, took a lighter and smoked. i was intrigued by it immediately so i asked. and then i tried. and then i felt something i never felt before. all of a sudden i felt like i wanted to do everything that i was thinking about and i believed in myself that i could do it. and i was on top of the world. i was smoking the **** and studying like never before. midterms, finals everything was a breeze for me. i did have a rule for myself throughout all this and i need to make this clear. 1.i do not smoke by myself and 2. i do not have sex for drugs. as long as  that is known i will continue. i was up for days going to school full time and working full time.  finally crashing after a binge like i used to do was sublime =)  i never missed work, i missed school sometimes though. work was important to me, i felt and still kinda do that as long as i am doing something productive while doing meth that it's still OK. but i know it's not. the thing is, that i became friends with the dealers. i was this hot girl, with a car and a crib thats chill and smokes. i was the **** in their eyes and i used them for the drugs and they used me for a place to get away from the madness of the meth dealing world. It was me and my best friend that were doing all this. We had everyone in the palms of our hands, until we started fighting. we were living with each other, always awake, and hungry for a drug. we had our falling apart quite a few times. finally i moved out of that place and i moved in somewhere else, and she moved with her dad. i stopped smoking for a bit and then started back up again. then it was up and down for a while. smoking for about another year. then moved again and didn't smoke that much but once in a while.
then i met my fiancée (ex) and he i told him about the meth and he forbid me from smoking or ever talking to anyone who is involved with it. I didn't listen at first but i figured he was worth it and the drug wasn't. i find out he has a pill addiction and i help him through rehab and all without touching meth. he gets a good job, everything cool, hes going to rehab every day.. i was in love. he was built and blonde and sexy. then he lost his job and stopped working out and stopped tanning and got pale and smaller. he went from 220 to 170 on me common. oh then i get a job and it just so happened to be in the town where i got the drugs. he was the one who was so worried about me working there because of it. and you know what i was good, i drove by my dealers houses without stopping in. ever. until one day he goes 'you got anyones number still'..  i was confused for a moment then realized what he meant. i was confused and happy and excited and all theses feelings at one because it's been a long time since i smoked. about a year again. so i go on facebook find someones number get it and me and him smoke. we had amazing times on it. amazing. and then the sex went away and we stopped talking and began to take each other for granted. he was more into the drug now than me. i didn't want to do it anymore and i tried to get him to stop but he kept saying 'you introduced me to this drug, you had years with the drug and you might be done but this is still new to me'. my heart broke that moment. he wouldn't stop and me, well i couldn't have him smoking in front of me or me knowing he is doing it without me wanting some. finally the drug took us over and we just fell out of love. i broke up with him, then got back together, still doing meth. i moved out of his house and to another borough. i kept doing meth though. stopped myself a few times. now every time i do it, i hate it. but i can't stop doing it. i get these cravings and i know they will pass but it's so hard. what's good is none of them drive and i live far from them. but the cravings are harsh and even though i know i will regret doing it i still want to do it. really. really. bad.
someone comment.. please

[Dav125]

It saddens my heart to read your story as it speaks out like another tragedy novel of sorts where all the right things could have happened, some did, but then the abyss opened back up and sucked you back down into it..And at such a young age..
I never got exposed to this as back in the day there was no such thing as meth running around in volume, it was prescription speed with was being written legally left and right for weight loss. Eventually in the late 70's most of these pills were phased out as the threat or "diverted" use was recognized. Luckily I didn't get caught up in it to any major degree..I did get raked over the coals by coke though. Almost cost me my life,,, literally.

I really hope and pray you can find yourself and get back on track..It sounds like you have a beautiful spirit underneath this mess that really wants whats right and healthy..Set your sights on it and go for it..It wasn't until my mid 30's I developed the awareness you have now. You can save yourself from losing a lot of years to an illusion. False sense of being,, grief.

My best

193 days Betternow5? Thats cool :)

Anything

[BetterNow5]

Absolutely girl. I second everything they've said above me with even more emphasis on the NA (or AA if you can't find an NA near you). It sounded lame and something that only the "real losers" need to me, but I promise you it is not. It is just what people like you and me need...you'll fall in love...but most importantly don't give up wanting to get clean. Because I know you said you haven't done CERTAIN things but trust me, if you continue down the path you're on, you WILL EVENTUALLY do those things you promised yourself you wouldn't. Take care and message me privately if you ever need anyone to talk to =)

[foolthrottle]

You know how that **** takes over and it sounds like you already know how to handle it you just need to bite the bullet and push through the cravings, replace the cravings with excercise, or writing, or something. And you know you have to dissasociate yourself with the others who are still twisted. Find some new friends...Go to a meeting if you have to. Thats probly the best thing for you Narcotics Anonymous, if they dont have one where you live go to an Alcoholics Anonymous, find something. Usually the only time Ive ever seen anyone be successful at getting away from it, they have either spent time in the joint, or they got professional help.

[gnarly_1]

Hi welcome to the forum sounds like you been threw the grinder with your addiction there are many things you can become addicted to and I know meth is a tuff one to walk away from but the first thing you have to learn about addiction is its not the drug thats the problem it mearly a symptom of addiction the problem lyes much deeper inside our heads you can choose to keep going on  like your doing stopping for a wile then starting back up it a vicious cycle the only way I know how to stop it is to change the very way you think and face the demons that haunt you and drive you to use in the first place for most of us we find releaf in groups like N/A or A/A if you got health ins you can see a addiction therapist or a substance abuse conslor but you need to work on whats going on inside to fix whats going on outside we deal mostly will pill problems here but we do have members that have recovered from meth I am going to message one for you give her a day or so to get back to you the post move down as new people post so it may wind up on page 2 b/4 she answers her nic is beccaanbeclean she fought an auful battle with meth but is winning I wish you all the best in your journey back good luck and God bless...Gnarly