Avalancheblanche is Crashing

I am really having a hard time with the cravings the past few days.  I am 107 days clean and struggling with a whole bunch of stuff.
I cant seem to let go of the guilt of hurting the people that I love.  Especially the time lost with my daughters.
I am lonely.  I realise that my friends do more without me than with me now.  I dont know if it is me, not trusting myself to be ok, or if it is them, not trusting me to be ok.  
My daughter went thru a horrific experience this weekend at the hospital getting some tests.  I feel terrible that I wasnt better informed on what would happen and it was painful and terrifying for her.  
I am realising how before, on the meds, I had something to numb the pain.  
I know I have to deal with it, but, I wonder if anyone has any words to help me to overcome this stuff with my friends and over come feeling guilty for my daughter.
I dont want to scare any new people here.  I also think it is good and real to realise that we are addicts and we are going to have cravings even after a while being clean.  This is a good place to be and I need you all.  
Giz told me to post, and here I am......vulnerable and a little scared.  And I am an oldie here! LOL

[gizzy32]

never be afraid to post, it really does help. you are 100% right, you are no longer taking pills to numb yourself and as addicts when all this stress appears we tend to look for that coping mechanism. it's normal to crave and it flat out sucks, but i know that it will pass and with the support from your friends here you will feel better in no time.

as far as the guilt goes, you need to forgive yourself first. YOU ARE  107 days clean and a much better person now, if that was even possible, lmao. forgive yourself and stop holding all your feelings inside. you know damn well you are a good mother and have no reason to feel guilty no more. hang in there sis, these cravings will pass, i am proud of you :)

[cathy5841]

aww blanche, yes it is normal to have cravings.  i still do too.  especially when things happen out of our control.  giz is so smart, good thing you posted.  it helps yo put it out there.  you could be having some paws too.   i love ys girl.
cathy

[LateAugust]

Oh honey,   I am not a user  but a mom that has been here, as my daughter does thru oxy withdrawal, looking for help.  But I think as a mom to mom, you will know what I am talking about.   I feel guilty because my daughter used oxy,  intellectually I know it is not my fault but emotionally, I am sure I will always feel some guilt.   I feel guilt for a lot of things my children or husband experienced.....gosh  was I at the office too much,  did I travel too much,  put others needs before my family,  and so on and so on....What I am trying to say is that as women/mothers  we feel guilt whether we were absent because of a career or life decisions.  I am trying to say  that your daughter being ill,  may have caused the same guilt feelings  whether you used in the past or not,  it is our nature, healthy or not, right or wrong, as women ,mothers and wives, we feel more guilt than we should.    So we give ourselves a good kick in the uh-huh  and them pull ourselves up by our boot straps and go on.        I feel my friends are not including me as much, because I have a daughter that is a drug addict,  they don't know what to do, so they advoid me.....I need them now more than ever,  but I am embarassed and afraid to tell them the truth of how much they mean to me.     Please don't beat yourself up  because you have used,   as women  it is something we all experience  way too often.

[toxictome]

Have you checked out any AA mtgs yet? The Promises in the Big Book start out..."If we are painstaking about this phase of our develpoment , we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. WE will NOT regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace...........

I know we have talked about the mtgs..several times...I think you would benefit by going and finding a sponsor and working the steps. YOU are right there Blanche...you just need someone to help you through it. I told you before it's there for the taking.  PM me if you want...

This is my experience, strength and hope.....it works for me!

Good luck!

[joann1975]

Hang in there....you have made it through 107 days you can make it through today!
Good luck!

[Mikeinthesouth]

Nothing wrong with your post I like the real people here. 107 days is great and you know what to dow ith the cravings or you would be using right now. Hang in there and I suggest with the guilt work on the future as you still have it to change with your daughters. Mike

[Avalancheblanche]

Giz, I do hold things in and that is bad.  Makes the cravings really bad.   And I really havent thought about forgiving myself...there is a new concept.  I do need to do that.  Who'd a thunk my little brother turned out so smart and full of wisdom!

Cathy, It is comforting to know that I am not alone.  You are a love

Llardro, God should take away guilt when we have babies.  Mothers do have so much guilt.  I am sure everything is my fault.

Toxic, I am working on it.  I know the support would be good for me.  I am still convincing myself that it is ok to drink once in a while.  I know....one addiction for another.  I was just looking up meetings today.  You will be the first to know....Thank you girlfriend.

[bobby139]

Oh hon I feel for you..You can fight these cravings you have gone so long and that makes you strong. Giz knows what he is talking about to have you post it helps get you though the cravings. as far as forgiving yourself, yes you must you are a diffrent person now. and you know even mother's out there that do exactly what mothers are suppose to do "what ever that is" regrat alot and lots of times have screwed up kids. No matter how good we are we never feel like it is good enouph. So don't be so hard on yourself.
Hang in there. This will pass.
hugs
bobby

[ILoveLukey]

I too have the guilty feelings about hurting my daughters. 2 years ago I was in such a deep depression, I got ativan from my doctor, swallowed several with vodka and fell down the stairs. My daughter found me laying there when she came home. She called my other daughter and the ambulance. Long story short, ambulance came and took me to the hospital. I spent 4 days in the mental ward. I was and still am so ashamed that I did this to them. I feel like a total failure as a mother. Can you imagine what it was like for them to find their mother lying passed out at the bottom of the stairs? My youngest daughter, who has been in her share of trouble, has forgiven me totally and we are best friends. My other daughter, well I think that event put a major strain on our relationship and it hurts me that we are no longer as close as we were. One daughter totally forgives me and the other , well it seems she never will and it breaks my heart.  But you know what? We all make mistakes in our lives. Name me one person that you know that never screwed up at some point. The important thing is not the screwing up, the important thing is realizing that we did and DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! That is really all that matters. You, me, and everyone else on here IS here because we are trying to do something about it!  I have found that admitting my problem to my family and letting them know that I am getting help, made them totally respect me.And they are all so supportive of me for getting help. Yes, my one daughter holds somewhat of a grudge but I know of no other way to resume the relationship that we had, other than to let her know I am getting help and I did not get this addiction just because I woke up one morning and felt like it. She knows I had major pain issues. All I can say is you know in your heart that you are trying to be a better person and are trying to get well and put this behind you as all of us addicts are. DO NOT let the guilt feelings get in the way and bring you down. You do not deserve to do that to yourself. You deserve to be proud of yourself for trying to get better.

[fedup4now]

The great thing about AA is you don't have to go in with a promise never to drink again - just the desire to change your life.  It is okay to go in unsure about whether you are going to drink again or not - many people do, No one will ever make you commit to that.
Being alone with your guilt is no good - you need people who will support you, understand, and who have been there themselves.  I think that is one of the most destructive things about addiction - the isolation, being alone with our guilt and self hate.
I know how scary going to your first meeting can be - but it's like this forum in person.  Great people, good support face to face.

[avisg]

hun you can get threw this you are a strong lady . I am glad you are going to look into AA or NA .The support REALLY does help .I go to a therapist One on One was the best for me . I decided (and this is just my opinion ) I was not going to drink until I have a good amount of time clean . At first I thought a year now I am thinking  more like a 1 1/2 or 2.
I have never been much of a drinker AT ALL but I am afraid of  jumping  from one problem to another. Its odd how many things change when you get clean most of which are good . however its still change and that can seem overwhelming at times. We are all here for you !!! Like you are here for others.
avis

[LateAugust]

Your post meant a lot to me,  thank you for sharing,   as we all have life experiences, it is so very true.     Time will heal the wound between you and your other daughter, it truly is the greatest healer,  as with many other things!!!     Best of luck to you dear!!

[gizzy32]

hey sis, i just found this quote, think it's a good one.

      “True forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment.”

oh and toxic what happened to all your quotes??? lol, ive been waiting.

[ILoveLukey]

Ok, well now you have me in tears. Didn't expect such a nice response to my post. Thank you so much. Just telling it like it is as I experienced it.

[toxictome]

I just found one today when I was cleaning out my desk!!!!

"Never argue with an idiot;  they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."
                      anonymous

[gizzy32]

who was that directed too, rotf, damn, why did i ask, haha

[ILoveLukey]

Are You OK?

[Chi_Chi_Lover]

Avalanchie,

We as Mother's have guilt no matter what...its just part of being a Mom. You just have to move forward and do the best you are able to do now. Do not beat yourself up about the past because there is nothing you can do about it...Nothing!!!

Be the best Mom you can be now and your babies will not hold anything against you for your past. Believe me with a 17 year old and a almost 10 year old I know what I'm talking about. My boys are fine and they don't hold anything against me. I numbed out for almost 5 years and I'm not the most kid-friendly person today but they know I love them and they are fine.
Move forward toward a posititve future all will be fine...

[bobby139]

That my dear was a good one :)

[toxictome]

It wasn't directed at anyone in particular......it's the only quote I had right here in front  of me...I'll try to find a better one for the middle of the week!! hehe

bobby:  LOL...how are you tonight??

[ILoveLukey]

I HAVE been the BEST Mom I can be and I still have a 21 year old baby that holds my failures against me.  And I know what I am talking about as well.  I think it is wonderful that your children do not hold it against you and I wish I could say the same.  You are saying that if we are the best moms we can be our children will forgive us. Well I am the best mom I can be and my  one daughter still holds a grudge against me, the other is my best friend. And it is not because I was not "the best mom I could be". You are luckywith your children and I am happy for you but some of  us experience the "grudge" from our children even if we were/are a good parent. What I said to Avalanche was, you have to forgive yourself and be proud of yourself for doing something about it. Stop putting yourself down for the mistakes you made. Not all children are forgiving but all we can do is try to make them realize that we did not choose this life and we are doing our best to get better.

[toxictome]

The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.....


and btw....CONGRATS ON 107 DAYS!!!!   That is awesome and you should be PROUD!

[GoingToMakeIt]

Man's importunities are God's opportunities.

Love your neighbor AS yourself. We are to love ourselves. Not in a puffed up way but with  dignity and compassion as we would others.

Even ogre's need to forgive themselves. True we made a decision to use, but I really don't think we would have if we knew what we know now.

Hang in there. Be proud of the 107 days clean. That really is something to be said. It is not easy to do that and to run a business and raise children. My hat is off to you, girl.

[Jacqui805]

Congrats on the 107 babe...I'm sorry you're dealing with those nasty cravings, but I can really relate most to your guilt issue.  I am also a mother of two, girls.  I was here the whole four years I was on the med, but that's also part of the problem..I was JUST here.  I was almost consumed with guilt over the time I lost not doing the things I normally would have with them, and thinking about how my "absence" may have affected and altered them.  To think about it too much, really just kills me, then I wind up being and feeling self-destructive.  I am now, not letting my head go over that time, but instead am just being me now, here, in the present.  It's all too easy to for us moms to feel guilty anyway, and it never does anyone any good.  Flick that guilt-demon off of your shoulder and crush the *ast**d!  Ya know, only good people worry about the things they have or might have done....I'm sure that while you may have done things differently knowing what you know now, you were not a bad mom, and you taught some good things in the process of it all.  Our kids learn from the lower times in life, just as much as the wonderful ones.  You loved them then, as you do now, and they know this to be true.  I'm sure of it.  No matter what we're going through, mom's have a way of geting that message out.  : )

[Flutterby111]

I know how sweet you are here on the forum, I can only imagine how wonderful you are on the home front.  I'm so empathetic to the difficulties you are having, as they can come in waves, sometimes sweeping you off your feet just like an avalanche!  You can't change the past, but you can control your future.  If you are feeling cravings, get your bootie into the meetings ASAP....not in a week, NOW!  Google NA meetings and your state and it is easy peasy to find a list and there generally are meetings all over the city every day.....I guess I live in the capital city and in the twin cities of my state, and it's flooded with druggies.  But I'm sure there is at least 4-5 meetings you COULD attend this week.  Make it a priority and I guaranty you you'd feel 100X's better when you walk out....as far as where you are on day 107 and as far as cravings.  I'm sorry about your daughter's bad experience and your guilt.  I wish you and both of your daughters healing all around.  Are you truly sorry for what  you've done?  Forgive yourself.  Have you apologized to your daughters?  Do what you can to make it up to them, within reasonable limits.  My kids are too young to really grasp what's happened recently.  I pray my 6 year old doesn't get it.  But he's made comments, like, oh there you go taking another pill!  Hmm....someone's overheard his sarcastic father giving me ****.  I never call him out for smoking pot!@  Ever.  That's all we need is our son going to school making ANY drug references at that nice school.  Whatever.  Be well sweet Blanche.  Be well.

[Avalancheblanche]

I just got up and read all the new posts on this thread.  Thank you everyone.  
This Ogre is feeling better already.  I had a good talk with my husband last night and got a lot out about my feelings.  He is so understanding and gentle.  
I will get to a meeting.  There are a few local ones that I hope will work for me.
I think my biggest thing is talking and getting it out.....and learning to forgive.
It is so amazing how much wisdom a person can find here!
Happy day Everyone!

[confused456]

To Avalancheblanche!! I am so happy to hear that you are feeling better! You are such a sweetheart and you deserve nothing but happiness!!! I have had plenty the past couple days and I am way more than willing to share!! hehehe

[Friend999]

You all are working your "magic" today.

To Avalanchebranche:  My two cents worth on the past.  It can't be changed, but make sure what you do TODAY won't bother you tomorrow.

WOW! 107 days!  I also admire you for what you are doing, for the last 106 days and today, especially today.  Today, today, today is the only day that counts!

Friend999

[mimi1313]

You seem like a truly wonderful person and you are trying. If you had bad intentions it would be different. You don't. You're not perfect, you're going to screw up. So start over. Be the person you know you can be. If your friends are really your friends they will welcome you back with open arms. But never stop trying to be a better person. That's what makes you wonderful!

[cocobeanlisa]

I have to say my feelings about this, I have over a 11months now off 40/50 norcos
a day...It took a long time to get here and a lot of work...It was by no means easy.

I still to this day have cravings, when the pain gets bad or the emotional pain
hits, I can still want to turn to drugs to help take it away....

I have a sponsor, I go to meetings on a regular basis, I sponsor people, I have
worked all of the steps.. I went to a person about 3 months ago when I had a
craving and asked when will this go away, Their response was "NEVER YOUR AN ADDICT"..  Since then I have learned how to/try to work through the craving and get to
a place that is sererinty.  That is why I believe in going to meetings, I needed someone
face to face to teach me what I need to do to get past the cravings without using.

Yes, this forum is great and it helps when I am at work, but I need ever tool available
to me to beat this disease..

Please check out AA/NA....hang in there remember the cravings get less and less and
I am told soon enough I will just pass them right out of my head..BUT TIME TAKES TIME...


One day at a time/one second at a time....

cocobean

[swtbreezie]

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, pick that beautiful head up and give the world a TKO!  I know it's tough, but your babygirl KNOWS you love her no matter what!  And if ya friends can't accept the new you then HEY knew friends are made everyday.  You are still you, and the change is also beautiful.  And go for a walk or yes talk to lil brother he has sure helped me out of some jams.  AIN'T that right Giz?  I love ya Sis, stay strong and hang on this too shall pass.  NOW SMILEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, I hate seeing you down and you gonna make me cry.  OR we can cry together take your choice, I'm here if you need me
HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
swtbreezie

[swtbreezie]

(giggling my b*tt off) I loved the quote, I just went back and read it.  GIZ you asked lil brother hahahahahahahahaha OMG I needed this laugh!   Thanks
I was just coming back to give Sis another hugg and read it hahahahhahahaha
HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ SIS
OH OK and one for you too lil Bro you need it I can see the puzzled look when you asked who that was directed at like "OK WHAT the heck did I do to her?"  lol
HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
swtbreezie