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BACK AGAIN..Part two
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BACK AGAIN..Part two

The other thread was getting way long so I thought I start another one.

Well, I have a plan I guess. Unfortunatly it involes using for a few more days. On Monday 1/14 I plan on tightening my boot straps and doing this. I'm probably gonna be glued here. Things with my ex are completely over. I'm just nowstarting to calm down. One of my biggest fears right now Is getting emotional and all the pain comeing back after I start my detox. I've ALWAYS had someone. My heart is still heavy as hell, but I'm comeing to grips with the situation. With or without her my life has to change. I've only been takeing enough to keep me outta wd. Hopefully my tolerance has dropped and it will help a little. Please pray for me!!!
23 Comments Post a Comment
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4341997_tn?1380655144
welcome back!!   glad to see you are a bit better.....life does go on even without pills....the healing will begin now.....your body and your spirit.....when you let go of the pills completely....you will see more clearly and can start to manage your life better....it's so worth it to get clean!  especially for yourself!  

glad you posted again....just keep close to this site....post when you need to vent or whatever....we want you to succeed!  keep us in the loop how you are doing.....
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495284_tn?1333897642
Your biggest fear should be what will happen if you continue to use.  The wd's are no fun but necessary to go thru.  Using is just a symptom of what is really going on with you.  It is time to tighten the boot straps and look this in the eye and start living.  We are here to support you big but you have to do the work.
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753324_tn?1299026423
I know its just an excuse but probation didnt go very well and I have to get 35hrs comunity service in by sunday. That shouldnt ne a problem but there is no way in hell that will happen while im detoxing. I'm gonna do this!! I have to do this! I know sarah..that is my "biggest fear". What I was going through last week I wouldnt wish on anyone. I was in a BAD place. Everythings kinda starting to mellow out now. Still feel lost as hell though. Sunday morning WILL be my last pil. I've set everything up to make that happen. Unfortunatly I have to pay back a debt and 1 more Dr visit is nessesary...i know i know.... My "debtor" is gonna be there with me so I can hand over everthing. Soon as thats done I'm calling the DR. If I can sell this ring that wont need to happen but I'm having a hard time getting at least 1/4 what i paid for it. I have it on craigslist for 4k. Thats less than half of what I paid...if anyones interested..j/k. I'm also trying to cash in an IRA. Its just hard to take that kinda hit. I'vebeen contributing since I was 18.
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617347_tn?1331296681
you will pull through it, big.... it would less hell than living active addiction.. i can not think of a hellish place to be, to be honest :) and we will be here, y o u  a r e  n o t  a l o n e !
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753324_tn?1299026423
I havent had internet the last week. I'm coming up on 36hrs I think...tonight around 9 will be 48. I'm having a real hard time with this. I for real exausted all resources. My only guy flat out told me no more. Truth be told REALLY dont want anymore. just the thought of the next few days and nights scare the hell outta me. I was so pumped for Mon. I still havent found my scripts and my buddy is pissed. I dont know weather to just say screw it and rip them up, Or just wait it out. I wont have access to them once I do fill them...hes gonna be there. On top of everything my ex is being a T-total B#$%^.I feel so friggin lost right now. It has NEVER been this bad.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Tear those scripts up NOW!!!!  
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4341997_tn?1380655144
i have to agree with Sarah....rip them up!  you can't take what you don't have....seriously....it will be much easier on you in the long run....no temptation. and congrats on almost 48 hours!  
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753324_tn?1299026423
I cant sarah..I mean he wont break my legs or anything, but it will stir up some added drama i dont need right now. I have NO gas or money to go look for them. I asked if I could just "buy him out" he said sure, but thats over 2k. I had them in my hand...I just couldnt do it.
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Avatar_f_tn
WHAT did I miss?  What happened?
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753324_tn?1299026423
Tonight at 9 will be 3days. anxiety is very high. I actaully got a little sleep last night...only maybe 45min at a time for 3 hrs or so. I;ll take what i can get. I've pretty much got it in my head now that I've made it this far and am not turning back.  An old friend has been dragging me out of the house and making me do ****. Last night we watched Ted with her son so i was kinda forced to "act normal" whatever that is. We took about a five mile walk and talked and caught up. Havent really hung out in over 10yrs so that was kinda nice.

As far as my scripts...i talked to ol boy and just told him flat out. I cant go get them right now. he came over and picked them up and I told him MAYBE in a month or so i'll try and get them filled to pay him back and if he was pissed ...so be it. This is what I HAVE to do right now. I guess I;ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Hangin in there i guess. Havent cried like a baby in a few days so thats good I guess. my only real issue right now is anxiety...and this friggin sneezing. Sneezing and bathroom trips do NOT mix. Just feel blaaaah
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Avatar_f_tn
This site is awesome, I started with this site last March and I stayed clean for 5 months and my back went out on me and I had some 5/325 and said AWW I wont get adicted again THAT WAS A BIG FAT LIE because now I am back to 10-325 6-7 pills aday now I will have to go thru this hell AGAIN. Yes get rid of all scripts, my doctor gave me Ativan for the aniexty. Try to stay busy I know believe me its hard, I am a single mom and I still have to go to work and when I first stopped I stopped cold turkey on a Mon which I wont do this time and that week was hard, but the first 72 hours is the hardest and because this is going to be my second time I have read it harder but I dont know. I will pray for you stay strong I PROMISE you will feel so much better.
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495284_tn?1333897642
I am really proud of you big, 3 days is kick a$$!!!  I am also happy to hear you are sneezing and going to the bathroom!  Why am i happy about that?  Cuz i know you are really detoxing yourself!  Sneezing is something we all do and i so understand the issues with that and the bathroom.  I will refrain from my horror stories!!   Getting out and doing something like walking will help the anxiety.  Make sure you are drinking plenty of fluids.  If you like Gatorade drink that.  Keep talking to us okay?  You keep fighting hard, your worth it~
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753324_tn?1299026423
  I feel ALOT better than I have the last few weeks. That crap wasn't no joke!! I was in a BAD place. STill feel like **** ,but my minds in alot better place. Thank you SO much for your support over the last...like 4yrs now. Its hard to believe it been that long since I first came here. I had to delete my little tracker things because it was making me sick to see if I'd just stuck it out I'd have over 1k days ugh...
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753324_tn?1299026423
Its officially day 5. I FINALLY made it to a meeting. Just got home. VERY awkward, but I made it through . Got a number from a guy that lives...I can throw a rock and hit his house from mine...weird. But hes gonna pick me up on Thurs to goto a meeting. My body feels like crap still ,but for some reason I'm very content. I'd go as far to say. I kinda feel good. At day 5...I'LL TAKE IT. Gotta say a little in shock. Last night around midnight I threw some gym shorts and a hoodie on grabbed my ipod and just started walking. I was so relaxed when I got home. I actually slept a few hours STRAIGHT.

Just kinda in awe right now...I'm really starting to feel a sense of hope. I'm SO thankful for the people I have in my life right now. I swear my friend "popping up" after over 10 years is God sent...She has really put a foot in my *** to keep me busy the last couple days. My ex...God that still hurts like hell...Is actually being very nice. SHe went and bought me a pack of smokes this morning. Today was a great day!!! I feel SO positive right now.
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3197167_tn?1348972206
Wow........you've just about done a 180 in a matter of hours/days......you sound SO much better tonight!!  Your willingness to do all these things that are "hard" or "new" or "akward" is magnificent!!  Remember new shoes don't get comfy for awhile.....we gotta walk in em awhile.....keep on keepin on...you are DOING GRRRReat~
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753324_tn?1299026423
  Yeah I'm a little in shock. Literally over night. Dont get me wrong my body feels like crap, but my mind is in a good place. I really cant complain. I'm just gonna ride it for all its worth. I slept AGAIN last night. Crazy!! Maybe the Altril is working...IDK?Just tryin to stay busy right now. I really need to get my sons room back in order. Its been my detox comand center..lol.. I have his iMac sitting on the end of the bed because I dont have a cat5 cable long enough to reach his desk. I cant find the password for the wireless network. He would die if he saw his room like this. I try to get a pic up...its actually kinda funny. I'm trying to decide weather to wash my truck or clean up this room...maybe both.. Thanks for the support!!
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753324_tn?1299026423
Ok good news ,bad news....Good news, my scripts are gone. Filled them today and immediately handed them off. Bad news...I cant stop thinking about them. I just got home and immediately called him back and asked for one. He told me hell no. With good reason I guess... thats what I told him to tell me. I really haven't had any cravings till now, and its BAD. I caught myself looking in all my old hiding spots knowing damn well there was nothing there. I really didnt wanna go today, but when someone finds them word spreads like wildfire. Hes out and was buggin the crap outta me. I was out of smokes so I said f it. I filled at a new place and they were about $20 more than I usually would pay, but I told him they were $53 more to get some money for smokes and a little gas..haha..sucker!! Anxiety through the damn roof right now. UUGH! I'm relieved to be done with it, but damn. I know the BEST thing would have been to just rip them up. Had it been anyone else I owed them to I would have. I just couldn't screw him like that. Outside the pills hes been there more times than I can count. I did tell him unless he decides to clean up theres a damn good chance our friendship is over( like 17yrs). I told him its not personal but everytime I quit hes usually the one I get my "first one" from. We'll see how it goes. Just wish it hadnt been today I was actually feeling up...

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495284_tn?1333897642
USING IS NOT AN OPTION...yes i was yelling at you!  Your brain is just playing games with you.  Turn on the music and get to cleaning that bedroom.  You have the guy who you met at the meetings number right?  Call him.  
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753324_tn?1299026423
Just got internet access. Still clean!! Tonight will be 16 days. Time is flying. My ex finally moved her stuff out the day before yesterday. I went there yesterday and broke down. My friend dragged me to a meeting last night. I did feel better afterwards. But feel like **** again today. I have SO much I need to do but cant find the motivation. Just wanted to check in. I'll get on here when I can. Hope everyones doing well.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Oh i am so proud of you!!!  Do what you can and leave the rest for another day.  Stay in touch!
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1508698_tn?1360219310
Throw the scripts away & if u don't u can do it ask some else to throw them away. I know u said u have to get them for someone u owe but if u get it there is a low possibility that u won't take them. When I owed people alot but I didn't pay them back because I knew that if I did I would start taking them again. I had to cut off all my friends & family that were still taking them & giving me some. I know it's hard to cut people off but it is impossible to stay clean if u are around it exspeilly in the beginning. Good luck to u. Keep us posted.
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4341997_tn?1380655144
congrats on 16 days!  that's great! keep posting and let us know how you are doing..
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470217_tn?1360568961
Yay! :) Hang in there.
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