Back Again

[Sanchez97]

Hey All,

I've been off the board for quite awhile.  Some of you may remember me.  Long story short.  I was using 1-3 hyrdo's/day.  Never used on the weekends.  I quite for at least a month.  Since then I have quit, sometimes for a week or two, but keep relapsing.  I still stay clean on the weekend, not that like is anything to brag about.  And sometimes I last a couple weeks.  Stupid me.  1-3 hyrdo's doesn't seem like alot to some people, but it is enough to get in the way of the life I want to live.  Not to mention, I pay street value.  Anyway, I think part of the reason I relapsed is bc I quit coming to this board.  Plus, I would quit for a couple weeks and think everything was ok.  So here we go again.  This is day one.  I know what many of you will say about aftercare and such.  I understand that.  Guess I'm just back for easy access support.  You were all so kind before.  Just wish me luck.  I've got to get my act together.  Best wishes to you all.  Congrats to those of you staying clean and good luck to all of you working on it.  I will get back soon.  Thanks so much in advance for your support.  All advice welcome.  I wish there was a majic potion I could drink every morning to rid my body and mind of this nonsense.  While I won't deny a physical addiction, I have never had severe withdrawals.  I think it is mostly mental with me.  At most I get the poops for a day, get a little moody, and some fatigue.  I have NO exuse to keep using.  Time to reset my counter on the website!

[Sanchez97]

13 days!  I can do this.  So thankful for this board.  When will I notice I'm saving money?  LOL.  Still think about buying one every now and then, but I've been able to distract and move on...so far.  I think about that guilty feeling I will get if I take one as well.  I don't like that feeling.  All in my mind now...

[Sanchez97]

sometimes it feels that way.  Yes!  But I made to Friday.  :-)  Yay.  That means i'm good for two more days for sure.  Then I just gotta tough it out Monday.  Thank you all so much!

[Ann2497]

you need the pills to get thru the day at work?

[Sanchez97]

right now my goal is to just make it through tomorrow w/o using.  the work week is the hardest.  if i make it to friday i am almost there.  one day at a time. long weekend coming up so that is 3 automatic days clean.  so need to make it until then.

[Sanchez97]

good point about the guilt.  that sets in a little later, but happens everytime.  I guess i mean the initial mood i get.  triggers are hard to pinpoint. ease of access is obviously one.  I also think stress at home, but no more than any average person.  this is something i have to think about and talk about more.  thank you all for staying with me.

[Ann2497]

Have you been able to pinpoint any triggers?

[jlannaa]

i was wondering if they really make you feel good because from your post it doesnt seem like your having a good time you take them and then feel guilty doesn't sound like fun ?

[Sanchez97]

Thank you all so much.  I can relate to all of the stories.  Its weird.  When I leave town or go home for the weekend, I don't ever miss it.  Vacation for a week = no pills.  Weekend = no pills.  And it doesn't bother me.  I'v got to talk to my supplier b/c that is a huge part of it.  By no means am I blaming him, but obviously the ease of access is a problem.  I went 3 days this time.  Then I messed up this morning.  Wasn't even craving one.  Argh.  I've gone several months before.  Even longer.  Probably even a year.  But there is something mental about it.  Why was it so easy to stop before?  Why did I last so long?  My consumption has never gone up and there are plenty of times I last a week.  I always last two days.  Why do I use even though I'm not really craving?  I think I have to pin point the mental aspect.  I could go on and on about my personal life, but when all is said and done, it is pretty darn good.  Does it make any sense that maybe it is hard for me to quit b/c they still make me feel good?  I still feel the same from one as I always have, for the most part.  In part b/c I don't take many and I go days without one.  So they never make me sick.  It is always that same good feeling.  Don't give up on me yet.  Thank you all so much.

[eyeofhorus2010]

I remember when my use got up to about 15 pills a week. I didn't think I had a problem either. I went out of town for a 3 day weekend and I didn't take any pills with me. I went into withdrawals on the second day. At the time I was only taking 2 pills a day, but those withdrawals were just as bad as the withdrawals I had later on when my use got up to 20 a day.

I knew at that time that I must be addicted but I ignored the warning bells and sirens that were going off in my head and kept using anyway.

When I finaly quit last year I was taking 12 to 15 Vicodin every 3 to 4 hours and that was just enough to make it possible to walk around and make a showing for myself everyday. If I wanted to feel high I would have to take an extra 8 to 10 in between doses just to take things up a notch. That didn't happen often because it was already getting next to impossible to source that many pills on a daily basis.

I'll bet if you took a poll from all of the members here they would all tell you that their addiction started by taking  a couple of pills 2 or 3 times a week. And the members that got addicted by taking prescribed amount for real medical reasons likely started out only taking 1 pill every 4 to 6 hours as needed.

Addiction is addiction, there are no ranks, levels or tiers based on amount of pills consumed. Them mental part is tough no matter if it's 3 a week, 30 a week or 300 per week.

[theirmommie72]

same here.  i never went about about 4-5 pills a day at my highest. i think i was afraid.  too many would make me sick.  i paid street too.  3 per pill.  not ideal.  i took them everyday though.  i had used and put down before, several times.  once i did a stint for 7 months and didn't have the money anymore so i quit.  not sure why it was different this last time.  prolly because this round lasted 3 yrs and i had a supplier every 1st of the month.  the last times i would happen upon them and when they were gone, they were gone.  my supplier still calls me to ask every once in awhile if i want some or know anyone who does.  even though i have told them i quit.  i was a main source of income for that older man i am sure.  but now my financial situation is dire after putting off bills to pay for pills.  trying to catch up is very hard.  

anyways, you can do this.  it is very much mental.  just try and remember the times when you didnt "need" them.  and tell yourself that you miss them but they are a very bad thing.  and they are.  

good luck to you.

t~

[Innerstrength67]

Hey Sanchez, glad to see you back. I really don't think it matters how many of us take, what matters is we are addicts helpring eachother. Yu obviously know your addicted and you need support. This site bridges the gaps between us.
Your right where you need to be and I also reccommend some sort of aftercare which might mean posting here everyday.
Hang in there!!!

[Ann2497]

Good idea to come back to this board.  Whatever mental strength you use to not take a pill on the weekend use that to get you thru your next craving.  Let us know how you are doing.

[ricart70]

I wasn't much of a chipper.Just full steam ahead with me and the pills would rain down on me from every direction.I would though,assume that the mental part of the addiction is the same.I do know that the more time you can get in clean the less the craving will bother you.Exercise helps alot too.Hope you hang in there.

[Jimmy1975]

I too share your story brother ! I was doing just about the same thing . I invite you to read some of my old post and see my journey to here . Funny how us lite users get into the same trouble as people who were taking 20 a day ! I think one of the main reasons I never bumped up my dose was I was  terrified of what many of our members had to go threw at those high doses . You can do this ! It took me a few times to stop too . I never went above 3 pills just like you . Stay with us this time for support ... Best of luck Jimmy

[finsfan4ever]

Your situation was eerily similar to mine when I got started using.I was buying them on the streets, or getting a few at a time from friends,using "for fun" on the weekends and "cleaning up" during the week. After a year or two that progressed to "just" using a few times during the week also. From there I managed to get a script of my own and then I was off and running. Seven years later and up to 7 to 10 a day + buying roxys to help get me thru to the next script, it hit me that I was an addict.
Do yourself a favor and stop NOW! You are right about being at/in the right place. There are ALOT of people here with great advice and experience. Take advantage of it and you won't regret it. Heck, if they can get me clean, you got it made! I'll check back and see how you are doing a little later......Good Luck!

[dominosarah]

This is a very mental game and that is why we recommend aftercare.  Using is just a symptom of what is going on with you.   The magic potion lies within you so get busy looking for it.  You can do this!!   sara