Aa
Bad Everything Here
i have a lot of bad stuff to update on, not sure i will have time to type it all but here goes
1- been sicker than a dog with this bronchitis/asthma thingy which a couple times left me thinking this was IT for me, death knocking on my door. got to the point where i couldnt get any air in when i tried to breathe, each breath was a struggle for air and could only make loud deep wheezing sounds in both lungs and moving very little air (air cant get through severe thick congestion apparently). I ended up back at the doctorss again for an emergency appt since the prednisone and albuterol aerosol treatments werent even working. I got upped a lil on my pred (steroid) dose and got another steroid inhaler to use in conjuction with the inhaler machine, new antibiotic too. Im doing a little better today but still lots of wheezes that wont cough out, still stuck in there but feels a tiny bit looser. anyhow for the other bad stuff
2- Ive continued to relapse off and on for the past 2 weeks with the vicodin i got about 2 weeks ago. Those are gone now, i ended up somehow blowing through 90 of the 7.5/750 in 2 weeks, went into WD again been having diarrhea, severe body pains, weak aching legs, tree trunk legs and just feeling totally miserable in every way on top of being sick already. I went into deep craving and seeking mode the last 3 days or so calling everyone in the world i could think of trying to get more pills and not even caring if they thought i was an addict or not. and sadly i ended up getting a few more, only about a 3 or 4 day supply. WHY do i keep doing this????? WHY WHY WHY?? i was already through probably the worst of the WD's, on day 3 and probably would have started feeling better from them but i caved anyways again.
3- things with husband been so horrible i cant barely stand to think about it let alone talk about it. he's been back off and on for awhile because his job is from here, so he has been back to work here (how ironic, all winter long he wouldnt work for anything and laid aroudn th house here driving me insane (you oldies will remember all about this) and now he's suddenly working again and being a total prickk to me and today he even dumped a bowl of soup on me and the ground, and he was giving me more grief for having to go to the doctor for my asthma thing the other day again. i have GOT to figure a way out of this situation. one thing that i am sure of is that i have no feelings of love left for this man and his abuse. I want away from him, this situation, this hell. Im so depressed over it. Im also sure most of you here are sick of hearing about this from me which is partly why i havent posted lately. i just seem to keep going around and around with him and this situation and its ridiculous
I dont really expect many responses to this post because like i said, its the same ole shitt with me and you cant just keep repeating adivce to me over and over that i apparently dont take. nevertheless i felt the need to vent here and just to let you all know whats been going on and why i havent posted in a few days or so. Im sorry ive let so many of you down =(
1- been sicker than a dog with this bronchitis/asthma thingy which a couple times left me thinking this was IT for me, death knocking on my door. got to the point where i couldnt get any air in when i tried to breathe, each breath was a struggle for air and could only make loud deep wheezing sounds in both lungs and moving very little air (air cant get through severe thick congestion apparently). I ended up back at the doctorss again for an emergency appt since the prednisone and albuterol aerosol treatments werent even working. I got upped a lil on my pred (steroid) dose and got another steroid inhaler to use in conjuction with the inhaler machine, new antibiotic too. Im doing a little better today but still lots of wheezes that wont cough out, still stuck in there but feels a tiny bit looser. anyhow for the other bad stuff
2- Ive continued to relapse off and on for the past 2 weeks with the vicodin i got about 2 weeks ago. Those are gone now, i ended up somehow blowing through 90 of the 7.5/750 in 2 weeks, went into WD again been having diarrhea, severe body pains, weak aching legs, tree trunk legs and just feeling totally miserable in every way on top of being sick already. I went into deep craving and seeking mode the last 3 days or so calling everyone in the world i could think of trying to get more pills and not even caring if they thought i was an addict or not. and sadly i ended up getting a few more, only about a 3 or 4 day supply. WHY do i keep doing this????? WHY WHY WHY?? i was already through probably the worst of the WD's, on day 3 and probably would have started feeling better from them but i caved anyways again.
3- things with husband been so horrible i cant barely stand to think about it let alone talk about it. he's been back off and on for awhile because his job is from here, so he has been back to work here (how ironic, all winter long he wouldnt work for anything and laid aroudn th house here driving me insane (you oldies will remember all about this) and now he's suddenly working again and being a total prickk to me and today he even dumped a bowl of soup on me and the ground, and he was giving me more grief for having to go to the doctor for my asthma thing the other day again. i have GOT to figure a way out of this situation. one thing that i am sure of is that i have no feelings of love left for this man and his abuse. I want away from him, this situation, this hell. Im so depressed over it. Im also sure most of you here are sick of hearing about this from me which is partly why i havent posted lately. i just seem to keep going around and around with him and this situation and its ridiculous
I dont really expect many responses to this post because like i said, its the same ole shitt with me and you cant just keep repeating adivce to me over and over that i apparently dont take. nevertheless i felt the need to vent here and just to let you all know whats been going on and why i havent posted in a few days or so. Im sorry ive let so many of you down =(
well says you said it yourself, your on the merry go round..i will leave you this qoute. I have faith in you no matter how many times you fail, as long as you get back up and try again, you will never lose.
"Imagine every day to be the last of a life surrounded with hopes, cares, anger and fear. The hours that come unexpectedly will be much the more grateful"
"Imagine every day to be the last of a life surrounded with hopes, cares, anger and fear. The hours that come unexpectedly will be much the more grateful"
Yes, I know this is very hard, but you need to do what has to be done. I was in not one, but two abusive marriages. Dumb, I know. I left both times, with my kids & very few possesions, and never looked back. I never regretted leaving, not for one second. I just kept kicking myself for being an idiot and marrying two a$$holes. The beatings from my first ex is how I ended up on opiates for over 10 years. (I'm over 4 months clean now) My kids have deep emotional scars & issues that they are working through as a result. My 15 yo daughter swears that she is never getting married, and hasn't had a real boyfriend yet. She plans on having children through a sperm bank...she absolutely dosen't trust men. My two sons have trust issues too. I feel so guilty because I didn't leave as soon as I knew that things were bad, and wasn't going to change. I did leave, but not soon enough. It is hard, but everything will somehow fall into place for you once your out. The unknown is scary, but it's so better than living in fear. I now own my OWN home, and my kids will always have a safe place. I do have a SO, (not abusive) and we've been together almost 6 years. However, I'm never marrying again. Never. He knows this too. If he ever decides to get mean, I can bounce HIS a$$ out to the curb. You will feel so much better once your in a safe place, and so will your kids.
I always look for your posts to see how your are. I only wish I could help you. Listen, I was in a very similar situation and I drank instead because the stress was overwhelming. Get yourself well. People say just to pick up and leave but there is more to it than that. For now just take it one day at a time.
Dove
Dove
there is a song by helen reddy called..."i am woman". the first six words of this song are sooooooo pertinent...i am woman hear me roar. you have to be THAT woman!!!!!
if you do not get out of this situation...the cycle of abuse WILL continue. your boys will treat their wives the same way that you are being treated. by you allowing this to continue...you are saying to your boys that it is ok to do this.
i had two small boys when i divorced their father. i had nothing...but i had my boys and i had my self worth. even though i did NOT want to...i moved in with my parents until i could get on my feet. it was horrible...but it was sooooooo much better than being a punching bag for some man. as the saying goes..."sometimes ya just gotta do what ya just gotta do".
your situation reminds me alot of christian. he "says" that he doesnt want to do drugs...but he doesnt actually "do" anything to make that happen. i have always told him..."dont tell me...show me. when i see you taking the steps, THEN i will believe you". the same applies to you trouble...dont talk the talk...but walk the walk. DO SOMETHING DAMNIT!!!!!!
if you do not get out of this situation...the cycle of abuse WILL continue. your boys will treat their wives the same way that you are being treated. by you allowing this to continue...you are saying to your boys that it is ok to do this.
i had two small boys when i divorced their father. i had nothing...but i had my boys and i had my self worth. even though i did NOT want to...i moved in with my parents until i could get on my feet. it was horrible...but it was sooooooo much better than being a punching bag for some man. as the saying goes..."sometimes ya just gotta do what ya just gotta do".
your situation reminds me alot of christian. he "says" that he doesnt want to do drugs...but he doesnt actually "do" anything to make that happen. i have always told him..."dont tell me...show me. when i see you taking the steps, THEN i will believe you". the same applies to you trouble...dont talk the talk...but walk the walk. DO SOMETHING DAMNIT!!!!!!
Yes that was me .I have had to tell myself the ""NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES" many times . remember that info is my in journal if you ever need it ...... They will help you with EVERYTHING...... I know the fear of the unknown is SO scary but it has to be better then this hun.
avis
avis
thanks everyone. Ive had a sleepless night here, trying to do alot of thinking. something that someone here said to me (and to others) long ago keeps sticking in my head.
"NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES"
who was that , that used to say that often? IBKLEEN? or was it you Avis? anyways it was one of the oldies from here with a lot of wisdom and those words have really been in my head all night even though its been many months since they were said to me. I even wrote it down on my hand in ink when i got back out of bed at 4 this morning. It needs to become my new mantra for life I think.
I cannot possibly continue on this path, cant keep thinking things will get better, or just keep plugging along day after day like this. especially the husband situation. its not gonna ever get better, only worse and ive been fooling myself thinking if i wait just a bit longer things will smooth over. Its been a long effing winter here and I kept thinking oh once spring arrives, things will get better, the husband will finally go outdoors more, do more things away from the house and my life will be all good again. HAH! how stupid.
and to Magi, thanks for your prodding questions, they are good ones. I think the main reason why i've stayed so long with this person is because I hate change, for starters. ANd am fearful of the unknown especially when it comes to not knowing where you might live with your young children. For so long now, i justified it to myself by looking around me at other people who have stayed with their spouse/SO and put up with **** just to avoid uprooting the children, and enduring abuse and misery for many years. I dont want to look back in years from now and think WOW why did i do that too? Why didnt I get out? Why did i think i was doing the best thing for the kids? I dont want all those regrets and who knows what else. The bottom line is, i dont love this man anymore , even though we've been together since 1991. HOw could i love someone who's done all the terrible things he has to me? Im tired of laying down and just taking it, and Im tired of it contributing to my emotional instability, to my drug use. (and no i dont entirely lay blame upon him for THAT. but it certainly didnt help and has been very inviting to numb myself from all the pain he has inflicted.
the thing to do now is get myself well, get my kids health insurance, get a plan and get out of here for good with my children. I wish i could stay here, i love this home, i love that the boys have all this large wooded acerage to play on and its so beautiful here, but the price Ive been paying for that one commodity is not worth it , not anymore.
thank you for listening if you made it this far. I appreciate everyones input and support, and I hope I dont lose any friends over my stupidity..
"NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES"
who was that , that used to say that often? IBKLEEN? or was it you Avis? anyways it was one of the oldies from here with a lot of wisdom and those words have really been in my head all night even though its been many months since they were said to me. I even wrote it down on my hand in ink when i got back out of bed at 4 this morning. It needs to become my new mantra for life I think.
I cannot possibly continue on this path, cant keep thinking things will get better, or just keep plugging along day after day like this. especially the husband situation. its not gonna ever get better, only worse and ive been fooling myself thinking if i wait just a bit longer things will smooth over. Its been a long effing winter here and I kept thinking oh once spring arrives, things will get better, the husband will finally go outdoors more, do more things away from the house and my life will be all good again. HAH! how stupid.
and to Magi, thanks for your prodding questions, they are good ones. I think the main reason why i've stayed so long with this person is because I hate change, for starters. ANd am fearful of the unknown especially when it comes to not knowing where you might live with your young children. For so long now, i justified it to myself by looking around me at other people who have stayed with their spouse/SO and put up with **** just to avoid uprooting the children, and enduring abuse and misery for many years. I dont want to look back in years from now and think WOW why did i do that too? Why didnt I get out? Why did i think i was doing the best thing for the kids? I dont want all those regrets and who knows what else. The bottom line is, i dont love this man anymore , even though we've been together since 1991. HOw could i love someone who's done all the terrible things he has to me? Im tired of laying down and just taking it, and Im tired of it contributing to my emotional instability, to my drug use. (and no i dont entirely lay blame upon him for THAT. but it certainly didnt help and has been very inviting to numb myself from all the pain he has inflicted.
the thing to do now is get myself well, get my kids health insurance, get a plan and get out of here for good with my children. I wish i could stay here, i love this home, i love that the boys have all this large wooded acerage to play on and its so beautiful here, but the price Ive been paying for that one commodity is not worth it , not anymore.
thank you for listening if you made it this far. I appreciate everyones input and support, and I hope I dont lose any friends over my stupidity..
i hope you call that # or get some help. you don't have to live like this, damn. please take care of you and your children, things will get better, but you have to make a change. im so sorry you are struggling right now, you are a good person. keep us updated.
plz if you look in my journal there is info that will help along with a phone number ...you and the kids do not deserve to live in fear . It will be in my journal if you or anyone needs help.....
avis
avis
It's ok, hun.......We have provided you with the resources you need. I hope that you get the strength to use them when enough is enough. Being a victim of domestic abuse.....I understand how hard it is........Please take care of yourself for your children. I can't wait for the day that you post that you are out of this situation and are in a safe place for you and your children.
God Bless,
Nauty.........
God Bless,
Nauty.........
like flmagi said...u r in a cycle with your life that is not getting any better....i am not sure what to tell u or suggest except you need to make a new plan if your old one is not working...there is never a good time to quit...u will have to make the time and stay on track....i wish u the best of luck...using to stay in a marriage is just not worth it...bet of luck and do keep posting
Just take care of one problem at a time is the best thing you can do for your self 1) your health (your asthma) 2) your problems with your husband 3) then your addiction. And I say 3 the addiction because there is nothing worse than to go through wd been sick and with out a clear mind. Please take care of your self I have asthma too and mine is under control but this allergy season has been really bad for me too.
Sorry you've been so sick. Hope you feel better soon.
What exactly is keeping you from leaving your husband or kicking his a$$ to the curb? The kids love him? No, not a good excuse. Money? No, there's help out there if you look. So, what is the reason?
I don't mean to sound mean asking you this. I'm concerned that you can't break this abuse cycle. Both with your husband and the drugs. I would bet if you got away from him, you'd be able to get clean.
Trouble, you need to grow a pair and do what needs to be done. Wish I was there, I'd introduce his head to my bat with razor blades in it.
You need to do something and do it soon. I'm really concerned for you.
What exactly is keeping you from leaving your husband or kicking his a$$ to the curb? The kids love him? No, not a good excuse. Money? No, there's help out there if you look. So, what is the reason?
I don't mean to sound mean asking you this. I'm concerned that you can't break this abuse cycle. Both with your husband and the drugs. I would bet if you got away from him, you'd be able to get clean.
Trouble, you need to grow a pair and do what needs to be done. Wish I was there, I'd introduce his head to my bat with razor blades in it.
You need to do something and do it soon. I'm really concerned for you.
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