My hubby has been through rehab twice...now I found his new stash of pills...after he lied to my face yesterday. How do I confront him again and still be his friend? I have been too rough in the past and he always feels like I back him into a corner, do I actually have to leave to show him I really do want him clean? Our kids would be blindsided by this, how do I explain?
Sorry to be so blunt but you married an addict. Sounds like he has no want to quit. If he has been to rehab twice then he went for the wrong reasons. There are only 3 things that will stop an addict: death, jail, or a intense WANT to stop. Which one do you think will come first seeing as how number 3 has not happened?
My advice is to pack up the kids and go to mom's house. He doesn't need a friend. He needs someone to make him see reality.
It sounds like you think it's your responsibility to find just the right way to confront him so he won't get upset. Stop worrying so much about his feelings. He's the one who's using, and lying to you. Don't let him make you feel that any of this is your fault. At this point, you're entitled to be angry, and he's lost his right to your friendship. He's got to earn it. You're tiptoeing around him. He's got to face up to what he's done.
It will be hard on the kids, but I guarantee that staying with him will be worse for them. Find yourself an Alanon meeting, or some kind of support group for families, so that you can learn more about the disease and help yourself and your kids cope. And get out of there. Your husband will recover if he chooses to. It's a hard truth, but it's the only one that helps anyone.
I grew up in a household where my mother was abusing alcohol and prescription drugs. The best thing that ever happened is when my parents divorced and we stayed with my Dad. That was in the late 60's in in those days the Dad's almost never got the children when divorce happened.
You need to leave your husband for your children's sake and you need to tell your kids why you all are leaving. Otherwise all you are doing is enabling your husband's addiction. This may be a wake up call to him and perhaps he will want to get help. You can't make an adddict get help. They must want to help themselves.
Your children will understand and will love you for leaving your husband when are old enough to fully understand the situatuon. How old are they? I was 12 when my Dad left my Mom. At the time I did not know what was going on. All I knew is that they were constantly fighting and life was awful. Once they divorced my Dad remarried and my step mom wound up being one of the most important people in my life. So things can work out if you make the break.
You can't be your husband's friend if you want you want him to beat his addiction. He needs tough love right now. If you want to continue to be his friend then you might as well be finding more pills for him.
Addicts tend to blame others for their problems until they get to the point that they really want help. At that time they admit to themselves and to others that they are the problem and not you. Your husband is not there yet. Leaving him is the best way you can show him how much you love him. Hopefully this will get him to the point that he will want to get help.
I will be gald to help you on your journey. Please stay in touch.
None of us can tell you if you need to go or not but we do know is you need to get some help for yourself. Alanon is a good place to start. He is using again and lying to you and feels like you are backing him against the wall. Classic addict behavior. Unless he really wants to quit the insanity will continue. You cant change him, the only thing you can do is change your behavior and then you can make that choice to either stay or go. Alanon will help give you some direction so you can live your life with some peace and harmony. As for the kids, i grew up in an alcoholic home with both parents who abused. Kids arent blind to what is going on. Hopefully your husband will see the light and get his life in order.........sara
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