Boyfriend is using again.

I'm not really sure what to do in this situation. I've seen addiction before, my father was an alcoholic, and no matter what I tried with him, he wouldn't stop, resulting in his death when I was 18. My boyfriend of 2 years started using heroin a year ago [November 2009] and continued use for 3 or so months. I broke up with him for a month of it [I wasn't aware until late December of the heroin use], and when we got back together, he still had track marks on his arm. I put my foot down and told him it was me or heroin, so he kicked the habit...until now. He's stressed out with school, and problems in our relationship. He claims that he doesn't want help from anyone anymore, and heroin is the only thing that "helps him get through the day without blowing his head off". He's made a few references in the past couple days that state it's either I accept his heroin use for right now, or step off. That it's either heroin or he kills himself. I've saved all the texts where he states this just to refer to. He's only 22 years old, and I'm only 21. I don't know what to do. I can't leave and let him deteriorate. But I can't just sit back while he does this, and do nothing about it. He claims he's only going to do it until the school semester ends and he is no longer stressed; but I know addiction well enough to know that he's in denial. He's addicted again, and he will not admit to it. He acts so angry towards me when I just try to help, I honestly don't know what else to do anymore. He's so stubborn, he won't listen to reason. Is it possible since he's threatened suicide, and also he had threatened he's better off dead and may as well OD on heroin, that I could try to get him committed against his will?

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

You are for sure in a tough situation. Like you said from experience with your dad, you can't help him get clean. Your bf will choose the drugs every time. You are trying to force him into doing something he is clearly not ready to do. You may think he has hit bottom but until he does, there isn't much you can do except take care of YOU. Don't enable him and don't bring yourself down.

I know this sounds cold and tough love often is but you have yourself to worry about. Not only that, as long as he knows you are there it is a crutch for him. Know what I mean?

I have to suggest that you get some sort of outside support, of your choice. The reason I say that is so you can understand the disease and also you can work on your own issues. It didn't surprise me that you were attracted to an addict. We seek out what is comfortable, or familiar to us.

I wish you the best and will pray for you both.

[Somethingwitty]

He wasn't this way when I first met him. He didn't start this until a year into the relationship, and the way I found out is he came out and told me about it. Same thing this time around, he came out and told me and cried. Just last week he told me he wanted to get drug counseling. Last Monday he handed me his bag of tie offs, syringes, and the rest of the heroin he had for me to dispose of. He's been back at this for only a few weeks, but I thought that he was going to kick it again after he handed me those things. But just last night, he told me that he doesn't care anymore. He will do what he wants, and shoot up as much as he wants. It turned from him being ready to him not being ready. I want to understand this addiction, but I know I'll never fully understand the volume of it seeing as I'm not an addict, and I don't have the "addict mentality". It feels like part of him wants to be saved, but then the addict side takes over.
I'm just at such a loss.
I do go to a therapist, though I haven't been in a while. I made an appointment this week with some urgency. I'm going to ask her if she has any references I could get a hold of for drug counseling, or any advice she has on the situation.
Thank you for your words and wishes.

[ladywithtime]

He's emotionally holding you hostge...you've been through this before (very sorry about your dad) and while you might not "understand addiction" you do understand the behaviour and the consequences of active addiction.

I have to agree with IBKleen, sometimes we HAVE to be selfish and think of ourselves because the addict will drag youright down with him.

Does he have family that you can talk to about this? Because, really, this is a lot for anyone to handle!

Read my post "my story...kinda long" because I was involved with a guy who was addicted to crack and alcohol and he too used to cry to me about how he wanted to quit, and he would also threaten suicide. I did everything in my power to help him until the day he hurt me pretty bad. I had to walk away and it was painful. The best to you...Lisa

[tiredofbeinsicktired]

I agree with IBKleen. My boyfriend tried EVERYTHING in the last 2 years to "make" me quit. I didn't get that way till 28 days ago and that was after I lost my family, got us evicted out of 3 apartments, almost had him lose his job. I went to 3 rehabs and relapsed each time I came out. He even helped me relapse. How nuts is that? He did it because he loved me, but also out of codependence. He hates to see me unhappy and I'm a sneaky lying addict. He is still there for me and I'm grateful. I never did it cause I didn't love him. Which for the significant other sometimes that can be hard to understand. He thought if he loved me enough, I would stop. I stopped this time for me. He stopped enabling, stopped trying and everything finaly hurt enough that I quit. I think Alanon might be helpful for you. Lots of people have someone they love addicted, but not everyone has to leave them to make it better. But focusing on you may help him follow by example. No one wants to be left behind. I said all kinds of hateful things to my boyfriend to make him leave me alone so I could use. At the time I meant it, but eventualy he had enough. Its good you care, but be careful. Make sure your ok. I hope my story helps. I wish the best for you. Just remember when he's ready he will quit no matter what you do.

[livngr8ful]

He's not the one that should be giving out threats.  If thats the way he wants to live let him.  Its his choice let him make it.  You need to make the choice to live with this or not.  Make the best decision for you.

[Somethingwitty]

And now today he's telling me I'm the most amazing person alive, and he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone or anything, and he's so thankful that I'm sticking by him, saying he knows he's difficult to handle. He told me to call him after work, because I needed to talk to him...his phones off.
I can only take so many of the hurtful words, I love him more than words could ever describe, but sometimes I wonder if walking away would be best.
But I know, however, I could never bring myself to do that.
He only has his mother, but she's useless. She's a controlling woman, who I think is a tad bi-polar, but I can't really say since I'm not a psychologist who can make that call. Just pure observation. She has no idea about any of it. If she did alls she would do is call him a piece of ****, and then kick him out without batting an eye. She wouldn't try to help him in the least bit. He was trying to get himself into therapy a few weeks ago, and she wouldn't help [he's still on her insurance], I had to help him instead. Though he still hasn't gone...
He has me, I'm basically it for him. So if he loses me, I think it would do the opposite of making him hit rock bottom. Instead I think it would reinforce his use.
Thank you to all of you though. You're all being very helpful. I haven't uttered a word to anyone about any of this. So it's helpful to know theres other people who know and understand these types of situations. And I'll definitely read your story, ladywithtime.