Breakdown.

[cynicalslave]

So.....I have been clean for about three weeks now(opiates being my vice). No drinking or anything. I thought it all would be hunkey-dorey by now but I can see that it's not. I didn't think I'd be driving down the road, mind racing, tears welling, that sparkle of manic doom gleaming in my eye. It's like for a moment I see past, present, and future all packed messily into one moment. And the futility of it all speaks for itself. Maybe I should just keep driving, but I know that no matter where I go, there I am. So I go to a place I call home. A place where I can be alone to wrestle with all this. Drinking seems to be the best option, but I find strength from somwhere within (who knows?) and resist. I end up banging away at my piano 'till two a.m. instead. I fall asleep just a little happier.

[cynicalslave]

AAaaargh! I want to escape so bad. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Yesterday was fine, I felt good. Today, everything is imbalanced. My piano gives me nothing. I listen to music and I feel nothing. It's raining and it's dark and I feel like there's a big hole in my chest. It feels a lot like the other day. I try to gather my thoughts, but they don't materialize. Like someone crossed some wires in my brain or something. I'm gonna go drive. That seems to help for some reason. I feel like bashing my head in the mirror. This is frusturating. This is madness.

[broknbck]

hey 3 weeks, that is terrific!!!
so your head is feeling like scrambled eggs????
i started taking the aminos when i quit and i think it really helps to straighten out your head.
l-glutamine
l-methionine
l-theanine

another thing i started doing (and still do) is focusing on the great things i have, what i am thankful for..........
a brain that can still think
feelings, emotions
eyes that can see the beauty around me
voice that can communicate with others (my dad has lost this from strokes)
pretty basic stuff that i took for granite before.

have you read the heroin diaries by nickii sixx or heard the sound track? ( by six am)
he took his experience with getting off drugs and used it creatively to inspire and encourage others to do the same.

i have tried to turn this nightmare of mine into something good. and i think with your talent you could do something great! it is all what we choose to make it.

[Nattefrost]

You seem like a very, very, smart person. One problem I had was that i THOUGHT way too much about everything. Don't think negative, think POSITIVE. i know it sounds cliche but do it. Every day will get better. And you're right- continuing down the wrong path will lead to horrible outcomes. So you know that is NOT an option.Absolutely NOT an option. So you have no choice to only think POSITIVE and you WILL. So I want you to think about the positive things you will be doing on your road to recovery. I went from 30 oxys a day to now a month on NOTHING and you know what..........I feel ALIVE. You are going to do this, bro, just keep posting this site is a gift from the Heavens above.

[snowflake620]

You are already a better person, just for trying.there is so much promise in your words don't give up.
                                  snowflake

[cynicalslave]

Well, I don't want to go into it, but the last dose I took was 125 mg of morphine. That should put things in perspective. I just know if I keep going down this road I will end up dead or hard up for smack(only smoked it once, mostly just oxy, vic, dilaudid, etc.). The thing that scares me is, I was never really all that normal to begin with (generally nuerotic). I just hope and pray(to something), that I will become a better person through all of this. It's been a rough few years. I'm just gonna try my best to keep a positive outlook through all this. Thanks for the support I appreciate it.

[ochooked]

Hi Cynical -- You are probably good at music and you are certainly good at words.   You have a poetic nature --- Well, in not quite so ellequent a fashion, let me tell you that you are doing fantastic -- and should be near the finish line -- Of course I don't  know how much Opiate you were taking, what type, or how long you used, but you should be nearly over the physical part of the W/D's.  Yeah, the mental part can be a little rough but what helped me through that part the most was just posting and reading on this site and realizing what was happening to me --- I KNEW that it would end because of what everyone was telling me --  and you know?   They were right -- it did end.  Being clean is wonderful beyond even my wildest imagination.  Hope you will get to experience that -- When you do - -please turn that creative genius inside you loose to create --- The world needs that person and needs them free of drugs.  All the best.