CANNOT STOP CRYING, WAS GONIG TO STAY IN BED BUT CAME HERE FIRST!

[Lotus55]

I do believe some words of wisdom of how the program work may have help me to cut short the depression from hell.  I cannot stop crying It has been building up last night was the icing in the cake when my BEST friend got up from sitting next to me and went to sit by my EX best friend who has turned her back on me. I swear to god my heart broke in a million pieced because my BEST friend knew HOW anxious I was about being arout the ex friend.  What is that?  What kind of person does that> And please dont say SHe is not a friend to do that cause she is MY BEST FRIEND> I hate this ever since I stopped drinking and my hubby and our  circle of friends do...it has been TEN freakin years and I cant play this f--- game anymore.  I have alanon to help me...I am trying BUT I am beat down like an old dog. I called my mom who I just made up with, cause she has been yelling at me alot *reminicent of her drinking days* and she says...ITS NOT YOUR TURF !  Omg it was a faimly party my in laws, and ex friend was ONLY invited cause she works with the new hubby of my SIL>  SO if confusing.  MAN I cannot start over at 52 with new friedns. I have been starting over my ENTIRE F***** life.  CRYING again and CANNOT stop.  OK staring Cymbalta today.  I think the ATivan is making me cry. I am not taking it anymore.  I dont feel anxious anymore just sad TO THE VERY COR OF MY BEING>  What can be said at this point?  FInally made up with my mom and she once again....nevermind. I know, dont go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.  LF XO

[Tim2H]

You sound like you're going through a pretty rough time right now. I know you are hurt because your friend seems to have gone over to the side of an ex-friend. It does not mean she is any less a friend to you. She is probably trying to bridge the gap between the both of you. Don't let it get you down and holding a grudge just hurts you in other ways. You should relax today and just take care of you. Watch a movie that is inspirational or a comedy that will make you laugh. I think laughing releases alot of tension and pain. I hope you feel better and enjoy this day. Do some deep breathing exercises that will release some of the toxins in your body. Every hour take a deep breath and let it out slowly with your nose. Repeat it every hour and you will feel better. I also recommend drinking plenty of water and treating yourself to something special.

Tim

[Tim2H]

I meant to add to do the deep breathing 10 times an hour. I hope it helps and you feel better.

[tztlady]

Tim; has great advice.  After you are calm, maybe tonight or tomorrow, call and talk to your friend. Not necessarily about her sittting next to your ex friend but just to chat.  She might not even be aware that you are upset or she may be aware but is trying to be friends with you and your ex friend.    Get some rest today and google ativan to see about possible side effects.   Take care.

[Lotus55]

You guys have no clue to sadness i feel nothing a movie will help. HUBBY in the middle of me CRYIHG HYSTRERICALLY SAID..do you mind if I go golfing?NORMALLY I SAY...sure honey go!  HE deserves to go BUT HEY Dont leave your beloved wife HANGING LIKE THIS> SO NOW GUESS WHAT, it has ALL turned to being about HIM!!! HIM HIM HIM>  I AM messing his life up.  God divorce me.  DRAMA ...all he can take. It is my HEART god damn it.  between my chronic pain, my hep c, the fact that everyone drinks and I cant, the fact that I HAD TO go to a party where A friend I cherised stabbed me in the back was and then my best freind sat next to her *she NEW how  uneasy I was about this.  GOD you know every thinks I just need to STOP and get a grip> SCREW THEM>  Best friend just left me a meassge?  Where did you go?  Did she not realzie she got up and sat next to the person who I cannot stand.
Hubb is being MEAN as can to me.  NO understanding or warmth. I said I HAVE been goingto counseling and alanon for 10 years WHAT HAVE YOU DONT to improve yoursefl or change.  Well he says OBVIOUSLY nothing you are doing is working! THANKS!  And he is the biggest thorn in my side 22 years married time to split. I DONT HAVE money for an attorney.  He does not love me the way I need to be loved.  That is just the bottom line. DO NOT KICK someone when they are down. A couple of weeks ago he cried real tears that he was afraid I might hurt myself he wants to grow old with me .WTF is that.  He always kicks me when I am down.  Takes off and golfs when I am in the ER for one thing or another.  GOD HELP ME>  I have no where to turn.  GOd help me.  PLesae I HATE MY F*** job I sit home alone all day no people.  Everyone that needs me has problems I cant fix. I dont want to hurt anyone but I want OUT of this life. I cannt FIX myself I have tried repeatedly. I was just inpatient for depression last March.  THEY TRIED TO TAKE MY PAIN MEDS>  SINce I got sick my life has been ****.

[Tim2H]

I do have a clue to sadness and I bet there is not one person here who doesn't. You said your husband wants to grow old with you and someone wouldn't say that if they didn't love you. Hell, I wouldn't want to grow old with someone I did not love. I think you are having a reaction to your medication and generally having a couple of miserable days. Be good to yourself and try to get your mind off your friend and other outside influences. It is not easy and I sympathise with you, I really do. If you don't feel safe at home, please go to the emergency room or call your doctor. I am worried for you and can tell that you're very depressed. Are you going through withdrawals? What are you addicted to, don't answer if it is too personal. Can you call your best friend to come over and talk for awhile? I think you need a big hug right now.  Hug, big hug  from Tim

[Lookyhere]

Good day Lotus55 and to all,

Lotus55,
you said your friend called you back. Do you think maybe she is feeling some guilt or shame in what she did?
Are you going to confront her about it or just let it go?
Why are you so upset about it. Look at how many friends you have here.
This resentment is only going to make YOU sicker not them. Like Tim2H said, no grudges. I think a funny movie is a great idea. It may not seem that pleasing now, but it will definitely help you get your mind of EVERYTNIHG.
I hope you feel better after sharing your pain.
Pain shared is pain lessened. (is that how it goes? tztlady?)


I'm going to take a walk to Englishtown Flea Market. If anyone is into drag racing it is next to Raceway park in Englishtown/old bridge , NJ.
I'm going to look for some original Rembrandts and original copy of the us constitution to sell on EBay and retire early.

[tztlady]

Yep thats how it goes Lookyhere!  Pain shared is pain lessened.  Good luck on that search!  Wouldn't that be cool to find!

Lotus sounds like people are just not giving you what you need right now.  Go back to the fact that we are powerless over people.  Powerless.  Your hubby sounds like he loves you and maybe he is dealing with issues at home the best way he knows how.

I have been in a position where two of my best friends stopped hanging out with each other.   I was in the middle.   I knew that one of my friends, Barb, wouldn't like it if I hung out with the other friend, Jean.    Well, I explained to Barb that I was in the middle and didn't like one more than the other and would be spending as much time with her as with Jean.  And I did.

Maybe your friend didnt know how to handle the situation and did the best she could.  I think you should wait until you are calm and talk to her.   Not when you are upset because you might say something that could hurt your friendship.  Breathe.   Take a hot bubble bath.  Read a self-help book.  
People aren't perfect and aren't always going to act like we want them to act.  But then are we?  Do we?  

If you aren't feeling safe, go to the ER.
Keep posting please and let us know how you are doing.  I will keep you in my prayers.

[elvistcb]

I feel for you. You know I am a male 48 years old and growing up with two brothers I was always the emotiona one. Even In my adult years. I have no problem when it comes to crying over certain situations. Not that Im a sissy by no means. I guess Capricorns are like that. I had a separation from a girl that I really loved a few years ago, and to this day I still dream about her. I lost everything I had, including house , friends, credit and everything. I came to stay with my daughters mom for now and it has been about one year. I have no friends. Not because im not friendly and personable but because i dont want to make any friends at this time. I want to get my all my s--t together and at the end of summer I am going to move down south, and try and start a new life. I want new friends and to just live the rest of my life being happy.  You can too. I cant wait until i go. I have been putting my resume on Career Builder and have got a number of responses. Hell if i could go now i could have a couple of decent jobs already. Im a little scared and nervous about it all, but I need to do this. I have not been intimate with a female in almost three years. Again, I am a physically fit man, considered handsome and outgoing, but for the last year I have just been a recluse, trying to figure out this  thing called LIFE, that i used to have so much fun in. It will happen again. I will have everything that I can fit into my car and off I will go. Yes you can start over at 52. Im looking forward to it and I know where youre coming from. Damn im just so looking forward to being happy again and finding that someone who i can just take a walk and hold hands with. To me that is so exciting,being celibate for so long. And i am the type that gives my all to the one I love. Damn it cost me everything a few years back from giving my heart. I still dont know how the hell it hapened. It wasnt pill related by the way. So think positive and you will be OK, I have to, if I dont, who knows what will happen.         elvistcb

[Lotus55]

I have calmed down a bit.  SO tired from crying SO hard  My heart so damn fragile.  How do you toughen up a fragile heart/ One that has been broken so many times from childhood on I have PTSD from chldhood. LONG story and probably does not belong in this forum. Mother had 3 marriages and my first husband died in a alcohol related car accident.  I have SO many pain issues and yes I take pain medications and YES it also helps my mental emotional pain, numb is better at moments like this or I would do someting stupid. I have 2 sucided attempts one in 2000 and one last year AFTER I got out of inpatient for depression, I was there 3 weeks and felt much better.  Its like for anyone who has been INPATIENT, the stress OFF you is enourmous...one closet, one weeks worth of clothes.  You just get up and go where they tell you and then go to bed when the day is done.  No worry about anyone but yOU.  But then I cry I am lonely.  
I am *today* clearing the guest room, home office and getting rid of some of the stuff I hold on to...FIrst I need a nap I cried too hard. Hubby went grocey shopping.  I feel very  very weird.....OH MY GOD could it be the Cymbalta I took this AM?  Anyone on CYMBALTA They started me on the MIDDLE dose!
I am very sensiteve to this stuff.  Gotta take a nap I will be back later I love you guys, dont forget me when I come back later.............Lotus flower

[Lotus55]

take me with you!

[road2recovery]

I USE TO CRY ALL THE TIME...i TAKE LEXAPRO AND NOW STUFF LIKE THAT DOESN'T EVEN GET TO ME..THAT IS JUST ME, I KNOW I COME ONE HERE AND TALK ABOUT LEXAPRO BUT I AM NOT TRYING TO PUSH IT ON ANYONE--BUT IT HELPED ME SO MUCH..I AM SURE CYMBALTA WILL DO THE SAME
GOOD LUCK

[emilyanne]

Oh, God, the depression was horrible for me!!! Horrible. I still shudder when I think about it...it was debilitating. I am trying to figure out what your story is...are you having the depression because you are going through w/d, or are you weaning off of pain killers, or are you just depressed and using still? Not sure...but the depression from w/d is pretty normal, but absolutely terrible. I cried and cried, I didn't feel like I had any hope, I didnt feel like I had anything to look forward to, and, oh boy, the depression was just the worst. I'm getting flustered just thinking about it. We are here for you, and will try to help you.

[Lotus55]

All these tears ON Lexapro!  Oh dear.  Started Cymbalta this a.m. Just switched over just like that, that is what I was told to do, who knows if its right or wrong I dont think most know excatly what they are saying. I have gone from hysterical crying to NUMB and tired like a zonked out zombie.  I have to sleep I HAVE TO.  I will do it now.  I try SO hard SO SO hard you have no idea all th meetings all the counseling...my lifte's trauma sometimes feesls too much to over come. I need unconditional love. Period. Yes I get that from god.  But what I get this sad...it is not the same. Thanks every one for caring.  Time for pain med!!! I am crossed eyed from crying. Lotusflower

[Lotus55]

Hi I am going to take a short nap and will try to tell my story when I get up
HUGS to all in the group who are struggling!  Live does get better we ALL know this, its this inbetween stuff that SUCKS>

[road2recovery]

NO did not have tears on lexapro..Before lexapro..It has helped me more than words can say..God i wish you well, maybe after a good nap you will feel better..
god bless you

[Lotus55]

Well I took my nap and I am still very deeply sad.  But I am not crying.  Too tired, is that Possible?  I have moved my *things* out of *our room* to the blue bedroom,   I need some space even though he is  being nice and hugged me and said I love you honey and I siad I love you too and he said, are your sure?
Hmmmmmmmmm.  Anyhow how maybe the fact that I said I have been in alanon and therapy to TRY and, WHAT has HE done to help?  Not one thing.
He is there to pick up my pieces.  I KNOW I need my meds for pain I have SO many pain syndromes.  But I also have mental pain of PTSD and I am working so hard on letting my past go.  I was doing well.  Then I get SICK, flare of fibro a nd PAIN beyond belief and this is ON oxy 30 bid and Noroc 7.5 bid.
I started Cymbaltat today.  I feel wiped out.  Dopey wiped out.  ANyonw else ever get this? I know sometimes the side effects wear off.  I cant keep my eyes open for gods sake.  Ok got to go lay down.  THANKS from the bottom of my aching heart to all who poured your heart out to me in hopes of helping me. It did and its SO good to know I have you all in one special place!!!  So there a  gratitude!!!  HUGS.  Lotusflower