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Can I save my Marriage??
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Can I save my Marriage??

I injured my back a few years ago just after my wife and I started dating. I fractured a vertbrate in three places and have a bulged disk just above that. I have taken the pain killer Tramadol on and off for a while since this accident. When I wasn't able to get a prescription I got some of the same from who used to be a friend. I haven't spoke or seen him in a long time. I then finally was able to get a persciption for it and I have become dependant on it to releive the pain. It doesn't make me high but it takes the pain away and without it the pain becomes so bad to do anything. I don't like taking them. I told my wife before that my back was hurting allot and she never really said anything. I hid this from her and when she would ask something I would lie to her. It got to be to much. I feel like crap from lying to her. I know she derserves much more. This all came to a head recently when I ran out of my prescription a few days early and took some from a family member. When I got caught I was threatened with divorce and lied because I was scared. My lies came out in the open. Now she told me that she doesn't know if she loves me anymore, doesn't know if she wants to be with me and is thinking of a divorce. I love this woman more than life itself and I don't want to live without her. I would do anything to fix our marriage and change. She has not been very supportive to me which makes things allot worse. But I guess what do I expect. She says that I chose the pills over her which I wish she could see that I am in pain and I took them not to be in pain. I didn't even get a high feeling from them, I was just relieved of my pain. She says that I must not love her for doing this, but she doesn't see how much I do love her. I pray several times every day that this will work out and that she will decide to stay with me and let us work on things. I do not want to lose my wife she means everything to me, without her I am a nothing. I'm sorry for taking over this thread with my own problems. I am going to a counselor next week it was the earliest I could get in. I haven't taken any of the pain med since this has all happened.I ask for prayers. Can I save my marraige?

Thanks everyone for listening to me go on and on. .
7 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
It sounds like you may have legit pain issues, but more importantly your behavior is that of an addict (stealing meds, lying to your wife, running out early). You state that it doesn't make you high, but are you lying to yourself?
Your post sent up a bunch of red flags - you are acting like an addict but continue to write that you don't get high, you only use for the pain, etc.
In my opinion, you really need to take a look at your usage; you need to accept the fact that you are not using like a "normal" person, even one who's in pain (I know; I live with a normal person).
You will not be able to make any progress until you recognize your addiction and then admit that to your wife, no matter what her reaction may be.
Again, just my observation based on over 15 years of addiction.
K
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm sure I am addicted to it, somehow. I have asked myself how I let this get this way. I'm tired of the pain and I let that take over mylife. Which is very sad. I honestly don't feel a high from it. It's a small dose that works great for my pain. I deffinatley get the pain relief from it. I'm sure that there must be something there that I can't tell that I keep going back to it. And for me to lie about it it does show addiction behaviors. I am going to a counselor next week because I have to break this habbit/addiction. I can't live like this, I don't want to be reliant on pills for pain. I want to and I am willing to do anything in my power to change and make things right and to make my marriage work. I know that lying is not good, I did it because I was scared. There is no excuse for my actions. It's not something than anyone wants to do.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
i am the wife of a recovering addict. yes it is very possible to save your marriage. the initial pain, hurt, anger and sadness that your wife feels will hopefully subside. trust has been broken, the lies and deceit are deep hurts.
i lived with his addiction for 14 years, the beginning was sorry i wont do it again. then came the years of his denial and lies. i was very, very sick and tired. after a year of separation he went into rehab. i contemplated divorce.
once i saw he was taking his recovery serious i waited and then supported him through his detox and subsequent recovery. he has been clean for over three years, we are healing and so is our family.

do you have  a pastor you can confide in? going to the counseling is a great idea. check into na and/or aa support groups.
i think it would be a great idea if your wife attended alanon meetings.
she will receive support, help and encouragement there. we also need healing and restoration from the addiction and what it does to us.

she needs time to process all of it. please try to be patient with her. i hope she doesn't react to quickly and lets some time pass before she decides.
how long have you been married? do you have children?

there is always hope.......
keep the faith......
debbie
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Avatar_m_tn
We do have a pastor at our church. The counselor I am going to see is at a FOCUS Unit for chemical dependancy. I know that she needs all of the support that she can get through all of this as well. I do hope to go that she doesn't react to quickly and just end things. We have been married since 2011 and we do not have any children.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
you have a very young marriage. i hope your wife will remember that her vows were for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.
is she still living in the house? i would definitely recommend that you counsel together and separatly with your pastor. that you would ask for prayers from the congregation. there are 12 step programs that are biblically based, that claim JESUS as the higher power.
celebrate recovery
overcomers outreach.
you and your wife can both attend these meetings.
forgiveness is a very big part of rebuilding a marriage after addiction.
we don't forget but we need to forgive in order to move on. if we continue to harbor the bitterness and unforgiveness it continues to eat at us like acid and will continue to build up.
please give her some time and then suggest that you together see the pastor.
start to attend as many things on your own, for your healing and so she can see that you are serious about your recovery.
how are you feeling since you stopped using?
keep yourself hydrated, take immodium, make sure you eat.
there are other ways to manage pain besides opiates.
exercise, physical therapy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractor, hydro therapy, ice and heat treatments. it will take about 2 months of being off the meds to re- evaluate your pain.
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Avatar_m_tn
She is still living in the house. And we are going to this FOCUS thing together next week. We have asked for prayers from people and the congregation. Jesus is the higher power, I do believe that. I will give her as much time as I need to give her. She is worth everything to me, and all the time in the world. I haven't been feeling bad since I stopped using. I most deffinatley feel the pain. Although the pain isn't as much as the pain in my heart from knowing I hurt the woman that I love and I never wanted to do. I have tried PT, ice and heat treatments. I need to try other stuff to not be in this pain. I do believe that we do need to talk to our pastor together and alone. It's hard to think that I did this to us. The woman who I love more than anything who doesn't think that I love her because I did this, and how could I if I did love her. She's wrong because I love her more than anything. It just kills me knowing this. I feel like such a failure.
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Avatar_m_tn
Throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Tell her everything. Explain your rationale and don't defend it. Ask for help anywhere you can, and follow the advice you get. Share your plan of recovery with your wife, ask her opinion if you ever want to change something. If you are sick and thinking of not going to your meeting, ask her if she thinks you should stay home or go. You will have to do this yourself, but most times as spouse is more than happy to walk beside the one they love. Show her the humility you have displayed on this forum, really try to get what you can from the FOCUS group. Form a pain management plan to replace the trams. You can definitely save your marriage. You can't take away a lie, but you can boldly tell the truth from now on. I felt pretty humiliated, especially when I realized I could have been honest the whole time, the drugs made me a lier. The lies are the only thing that really hurt my wife, the rest of it I could make right. It took some time, she believed I was serious at about 6 months. It takes 1000 trues to cover 1 deception. It's worth it though. Coming through this together has made our connection even more magical. I've never felt so much love, the opiates block feelings, good and bad, whether you "feel high" or not. You woke up to your situation, you haven't failed. You aren't a heavy user, you definitely have another chance. Give yourself and her time. Keep the faith.
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