Can anyone relate to this?

[pbintx]

Today is my 12th day free from Hydrocodone.  I had been using for about 6-7 months and it got up to around 100-120 mg per day.  I went into a 5 day inpatient detox and came out fine.  No cravings or anymore withdrawals.

Now here is my problem.  The Dr. gave me Trazadone to help me sleep.  That was working fine for the first week up until the last 2 nights.  I have had 2 VERY intense dreams each night.  The first night it woke me and I was able to go back to sleep.  Well, last night I had a continuance of the first nights dream and it woke me at 2:30 am and I had a tremendous amount of Rage in me.  I was not able to go back to sleep the entire night.  The dream involved my wife having an affair. I absolutely do not suspect that she is.  She works full time and we have 2 small children and that keeps her very occupied and we really have been getting along great since I kicked the Hydro. and we didn't rally have many problems before.

Can anyone relate to any of this

[susanlea]

After my ex came out of a 5 day detox last year he was also on Trazadone to help him sleep. He told me he was having crazy dreams. He woke up a few times scared, said he was being chased and someone was trying to kill him. I believe he was as Wizard says "running from the Dragon" in other words he was running from himself and his addiction. He would have lots of trouble going back to sleep and sometimes he couldn't. He went off this drug complaining it was making things worse. But then of course he relapsed back to oxy's and perc's. He tried to get off everything again this las Feb. by himself. He got his Dr. to give him a perscription for Methadone. Unfortunately it didn't last long. Now he take's Methadone, oxy's, perc's and I'm afraid maybe even heroin(I've heard) He left us 4 months ago, to fight his own demons. The abuse, lies and stealing plus lack of affection and blame were more than our relationship could handle. I'm not an addict, but I have witnessed first hand what addictions do to people we love and relationships. Now after 6 years together I have lost him not to another women but to a pill that is more important than his kids, me or his life. Good luck to you, and congratulations! Well done. Be very proud of yourself and God Bless you....Susan

[Milo]

Hi, & welcome...oh, yes, I can relate. A few years ago when I temporarily went off benzodiazepines, even after tapering, I had very vivid, strange dreams for about a week -- intense colors, sensations, weird situations, etc. Occasionally (not related to withdrawal) I've had dreams like you describe, becoming enraged about something in the dream & waking up, taking a while to calm down. And unfortunately I'm battling insomnia right now. I don't know the explanation for the kind of dream you describe, but from what I know, I imagine it's related to some other aspect of your relationship or your life, which the affair represents in the dream. I haven't had any dreams like that in a long time, and I doubt there's any cause for you to worry. -- Milo

[skipper]

couple of things:
1) welcome to the forum.the fact that you  "jumped right in" says
a lot about your willingness to clean up your hand.
2) stay with us-you will find a unique blend of personalitys that
all have chronic pain and/or adddiction in common.
3) this forum can't do much for you if you just ghost it. you've
got to jump in and participate.


iwas in recovery through NA for 18 years. Befoe i used herione,
morphine,dilauded, & what ever else i could cook down in a spoon
and draw up into a hypo. A good sponcer, NA & the grace of God as
i uderstand him saved my life.
cervical spine problems led me to hydro's. after 2 surgerys, 1 attempt to end my miserable life, oxy contin in ever increasing doses, and lots of oxyir's here i am. this forum saved my ass.

about 10 years ago (i was still clean in recovery) i started having a repetitive dream, I & an old using budddy were lost in
a city in the pacific NW. We were trying to locate the local
methadone clinic so we could meet some junkys and score some black
tar heroin. the first time i awoke from this dream (it was somehow painfully beautiful) i remember thinking "damm that was far out,sort like a Guss VanZandt movie." i kept having this dream every night for 10 days. each night the dream became less beautiful & moe scarry. After the 10th. night i thought i was
going crazy. every thing at home or work some how either reminded
me of, or looked just like a big old spoon of black tar heroine
cooki' down! I started thinking & then believing the only way this
painful yet beautifull dream and the day time obcession, would go away was to use  drugs again. it was one of the worst periods i've
ever had clean. Pride or some other stupid **** kept me from talkin about it to anyone. I finally did confide all this **** to
a fellow member of NA.We talked several uours about it.I noticed
that the obcession was gone.no more visions of black tar h. cooking down. no more dreams of looking for the metadone clinic to
hook up with other junkys and score. An hour or two of talk with
another addict who wanted to be something more than a junky and it
was gone. that simple , that real.
please stick around- we all need each other!
kip

[cindi]

AMEN, AMEN AND AMEN TO SKIPPER.....you have come such a loooong way in a short time....you are truly an inspiration...do you and wiz hang out?  LOL  you kind of remind me of each other....Love to all                              cin

[cindi]

Has anyone heard about some kind of lawsuit involving lorezapam and clonazepam?  I caught the tail end of an announcement on TV re: the 2 drugs but didn't now what the reason was.....just wondering.....if I find out I'll let you in on it     love to all    cin

[Milo]

There was a notice at my pharmacy about a class action settlement (?) re lorazepam & tranxene, I think. As best I could tell, it had to do with overcharging for these drugs, not any safety issues.

[jennyfla]

My husband was on trazadone after coming out of treatment 2.5 years ago and didn't care for the drug.  He's taken lorazapam and clonzapam, and this time around while in treatment, he is refusing to be given the trazadone again.  He is taking small doses of tranzine, but plans to discontinue shortly.  He wants absoluately nothing to do with any sort of mind altering medication forever.  He suffers from anxiety, but plans to deal with it in a natural way instead of taking any kind of medication for it.  He has refused antidepressants also.  He is getting ready to face the world drug-free, and is anxious to 'feel' everything (and i mean everything) again!!!!!
Looking forward to it infact.
Good luck to you all in beating your addictions, and having the opportunity to 'feel' everything, good and bad, again!!!!!
It's a major step, but i believe worth every inch!
Love Jenny

[Francoise]

Just back from vacation in San Francisco. Great to get away. Good to be back.

I took Trazadone as well about a year ago, and had bad dreams. Not only that, but my blood pressure dropped to 75/50. Then one afternoon about 30 minutes after a dose, my heart began to race so fast that my wife, who used to be in the medical field, could not count the beats. It was beating so fast, it was cavitating and not pumping much blood. It went away by itself. I've not taken another dose since.

I'm taking oxy for intractable back pain. As I said, I went to SF for a vacation. And listen to what I did with my drugs. I had a week's worth in one of those flat Certs containers in my wallet. I had an entire prescription in the safe in my room. My wife had a week's worth with her in Miami where she went to start her Ph.D. orientation (she was going to Fedex them to me in Miami if I ran into trouble - like theft from two different places.) My good friend in Savannah had the key to my home and knowledge of where I have another stash, ready to Fedex them to me on an instant's notice. And my daughter, who went with me to SF, had four days' worth in her purse (another trouble buffer).

That's FIVE sources of oxy that I'd arranged, four of which were backups just in case. Didn't need any of them. But I was amused at the lengths I went to insuring that I wouldn't face running out. If I was half as motivated to make money, I'd be filthy rich in a year.

ANGELICA - I just saw your 6.28 post. Yep, it's an S.I. joint problem, along with a crushed L4

[Francoise]

Just back from vacation in San Francisco. Great to get away. Good to be back.

I took Trazadone as well about a year ago, and had bad dreams. Not only that, but my blood pressure dropped to 75/50. Then one afternoon about 30 minutes after a dose, my heart began to race so fast that my wife, who used to be in the medical field, could not count the beats. It was beating so fast, it was cavitating and not pumping much blood. It went away by itself. I've not taken another dose since.

I'm taking oxy for intractable back pain. As I said, I went to SF for a vacation. And listen to what I did with my drugs. I had a week's worth in one of those flat Certs containers in my wallet. I had an entire prescription in the safe in my room. My wife had a week's worth with her in Miami where she went to start her Ph.D. orientation (she was going to Fedex them to me in Miami if I ran into trouble - like theft from two different places.) My good friend in Savannah had the key to my home and knowledge of where I have another stash, ready to Fedex them to me on an instant's notice. And my daughter, who went with me to SF, had four days' worth in her purse (another trouble buffer).

That's FIVE sources of oxy that I'd arranged, four of which were backups just in case. Didn't need any of them. But I was amused at the lengths I went to insuring that I wouldn't face running out. If I was half as motivated to make money, I'd be filthy rich in a year.

ANGELICA - I just saw your 6.28 post. Yep, it's an S.I. joint problem, along with a crushed L4, a mis-shapen ankle bone, and other things. There's a four-inch titanium bolt through my pelvis into my spine holding things together. No relief from the pain, though, and the crushed L4 (a wedge fracture, actually) is nerve-involved. I never knew you could hurt so badly and so unrelieved. What in hell did they do before opiates? Die from pain?

THOMAS - Just an excuse to say hello my friend. Hope you can make it over here one day for that fishing trip. And I hope you're continuing to do well clean and sober. You're an inspriation to us all, I think. What is it now? five months clean? Think about you lots, and send energy to you too - the blue-white kind with the golden sparkles.

EVERYONE - Hang in friends. What a place this is. We all should get together in some central location, like St. Louis.

Peace and Love,

Frank

[Thomas]

Greetings, my good friend. I do believe I'm feeling that energy you're sending (seriously). I'm afraid I haven't kept track of my time off of Darvon, being preoccupied by the considerably more difficult job of getting off of benzos without another seizure. On that front, I'm down to a couple of small doses per day, and am a few days away from stopping them altogether. Switching to Valium from Xanax before tapering was a brilliant idea and worked like a charm. Valium doesn't give you that roller coaster ride that Xanax or other short acting benzos do. I have additional motivation to quit because my doctor won't write for anymore (yes, I tried to put off seriously tapering as long as I could, until my doc "called my bluff.").

My very limited supply has been quite a good motivator as far as getting down doing real tapering. The Valium "hangs around" the system much longer than Xanax or Ativan and tapering from four (or five, I confess) 10mg Vals down to, today, two 5mg Valiums every 24 hours, has been much easier than anticipated. I'm now down to about three days of hopefully using only two 2.5mgs of Valium per day. I plan to stop entirely at that point, keeping my last two 10mg valiums in a small bottle in my pocket at all times, just in case.

At least I know the pre-seizure symptoms well.... It's funny, I don't miss the Darvon at all. Even still, it's taken all these months off the stuff with all sorts of vitamin supplements, good food and exercise, to finally be able to say I feel "good."  I suppose, considering how long I was on that stuff and how much I was taking, that 5 months is pretty reasonable. I've been fortunate that my back's really "helped out' by staying fairly pain-free for all this time. If I ache or hurt for any reason, two 500mg enteric aspirin really does the job. It's nice to just have a normal response again to an over-the-counter drug like aspirin. I think in some weird way, my fear of benzo seizures and pre-occupation with tapering off of the Valium has stopped me from dwelling on narcotics. I used to even dream about those damn things, dreaming about being in someone's house and opening the medicine cabinet to discover bottle after bottle of controlled drugs.

I hope, Franscoise, you're getting better, even if it's just a little. I know what constant, debilitating pain is like and think you're actually doing quite well. I understand your "insurance network" that you set up before traveling. When I was on the Darvon and Xanax, I kept around twenty to thirty of each in a small vial that I never left the house without. I used to worry, "what if California has The Big One while I'm at work and I can't get home?… things like that.

It will feel so good to be completely off the benzos and know there's not a seizure just around the corner. For all the physical misery that narcotics withdrawal brings, it's nothing like the mental anguish of know that, should you run out of your benzo, you're going to seizure and wind up in the hospital. Since the last two out of my three seizures took place without medical insurance, my life has become not much more than working to live and just stave off  the medical creditors. Maybe, in some strange way, it's good that I'm going to be too poor to buy drugs for a long time to come.

I'm glad your trip went well and genuinely look forward to meeting you some day when day-to-day life is a bit easier. Until then, I certainly appreciate you thinking of me in your post.

Trazdone, huh? I've heard of that stuff causing weird dreams and impotence, among other things. In fact the manufacturer's info (on www.rxlist.com) includes the following rather "interesting" comment/warning:

"TRAZODONE HAS BEEN ASSOCIATED WITH THE OCCURRENCE OF PRIAPISM. IN APPROXIMATELY 1/3 OF THE CASES REPORTED, SURGICAL INTERVENTION WAS REQUIRED AND, IN A PORTION OF THESE CASES, PERMANENT IMPAIRMENT OF ERECTILE FUNCTION OR IMPOTENCE RESULTED.MALE PATIENTS WITH PROLONGED OR INAPPROPRIATE ERECTIONS SHOULD IMMEDIATELY DISCONTINUE THE DRUG AND CONSULT THEIR PHYSICIAN."

There's a new sleeping pill, called Sonata, that is in and out of the body in less than one hour. Its action is to initiate the sleep cycle, then quickly leave the body, causing absolutely no morning grogginess. I've tried it and it works like a charm. You take one, hit the sack, sleep like a baby, and wake up with an absolutely clear head. Can't ask for much more than that. I know it wasn't you who originally asked about the Trazadone. I hope the poster who did reads this and asks their doctor for Sonata or Ambien, a drug which I hear is very safe compared to these strange substances like Trazadone or Halcion (a sleeping pill benzo that causes blackouts the day after you've used it - another great drug!). Imagine getting priapism (constant erection) from this Trazadone and having to be cut just to relieve it with the possibility that the surgery will prevent you from getting erections when you want them? Trazadone is definitely on my "bad drug" list, which is growing by the day.

Take care, Francoise, and know  that I am always your friend and always care about your well being,

Thomas

[jennyfla]

Wow, my husband is being given trazadone right now at rehab.  He took it for quite a while after he was in rehab 2.5 years ago, but was switched back to effexor, which worked better for him.
I'll ask him tomorrow if he is still taking the trazadone, but i know he plan on getting off 'everything', even while in there.  He has refused antidepressants, and plan to be completely 'drug-free'.  He is basically afraid to take anything at this point.
That's very interesting about the sonata (or whatever that was called), and i feel that would help my husband with his sleeping.  He seems to have trouble falling to sleep.  
He is so tired of not being able to feel 'normal' because of all the drugs that he has been either perscribed, or the ones he abused, and just wants to be drug-free, completely, so he can feel alive again, not to mention being able to function (as far as guys like to if you know what i mean).  Poor thing, that was always one of his real important reasons to live, and it was taken away from him, completely.  He told me not to get near him when i come to visit, 'cause the darn thing goes off like a rocket, lol!!!!!
I will be so happy to see him actually 'feeling' again.  He has been gone for so so long, and i've missed him so very much.
Now all i have to do is get my butt into gear and clean up my act before he comes home.  I'm having a lot more trouble with this than i thought i would, and i think i'm gonna go look for a meeting to attend next week.  Problem is, i'll have to take my 1-year old because she goes to work with me each day.  I hate to drag her into that, but then again, i dragged her to enough doctors appts, it would only be an excuse if i were to say i couldn't because i have her to look after.
I remember back after my husband got out of rehab last time, i still wanted to have another baby.  Well his doctor gave him some pill so that it would be possible.  He gave him 3 of those little pills, and boom, one of them did the job!  He was on trazadone at the time.
Thanks for the insight!
Love Jenny

[Milo]

Hey Thomas, I'm really glad to hear that the Valium tapering is going well. By gradually reducing the dosage as you're doing, you shouldn't have any problems going off it. A while back I tapered & discontinued it for a month -- had about a week of moderate irritability, insomnia, & *very* strange, vivid dreams, but truly nothing I couldn't handle. I wish I could be completely free of any drug dependence, but without benzo's I'm as nervous as a ***** in church! -- Milo

[Francoise]

Thanks for your response Thomas,it's always good to hear from you again.

I know all about the priapism you reference. I have bouts of that now as well. It's really a pain. It's not full-blown priapism of the sort that would require intervention, but I get those ten-pound blue throbbers that a cat couldn't scratch a couple of times a day. Oh, the wanton waste of it all. Where are they when you need them?

I am in fact taking Sonata now and can vouch for your observations about it. Great stuff, that. I take it when I pile in and will open up a book to read. After a few pages I notice myself reading the same sentence over and over and then waking up from some interesting "day" dreaming. In the morning there's no drug hangover, no grogginess of any sort.

Still coming to peace with the oxy. I don't suppose I'll ever get over the feeling of vulnerability. And I notice that it inhibits the free and untrammeled expression of certain political viewpoints I have in various forums. I'd not like to have someone with an axe to grind... Over-cautious, I think it's called.

You are doing great. I'm happy to know you're receiving the Light. I've experienced incoming energy like that, and it can be very helpful. You should consider writing a book about your experiences; a cautionary tale written for people in junior high school.

I'll keep the boat gassed and ready.

Francois

[cindi]

Hey there,    how are you doing my friend?  It is soooooooo   nice to hear from you.....as always......well, my husband was prescribed trazdone,  I tried it and of course I don't have to worry about the priapism :) it left me like I was paralyzed, including my throat  I could not swallow, not even to get a drink for about an hour..my heart was beating so fast, it was scary.....but i did sleep....i was afraid I may not wake up...my husband just does not like it...no reason in particular but now that I told him about the pripism he won't touch it at all....I have taken care of patients with the priapism form other things that caused it and It is not pleasant for these men.....they had to have the surgical intervention...If I'm not mistaken trazadone is Deseryl, and old time antidepressant....please correct me if I am wrong....anyway  I did take ambien short term when my mom passed it worked well and then I did try the sonata but I woke up after a few hours and never went back to sleep...they are both very good for different folks,,,much safer than halcion and the other benzos....and Francoise,,I know what you mean about having enough meds on vaca....I went to florida with my script and started to run out..I was not able to enjoy being on the boat etc..no fun when the pain is so intense...I did have more that i was able to get refilled in florida....I made sure of that....I am thinking of asking to try the duragesic patch  I hear that is good for chronic pain...my husband tried it but he works in the sweaty old mill and it wold never stay on and it did not help his pain....he is back on the oxys.....they help him but the itching is so intense....he hates taking pills but I know he is a prisoner of pain and it will only become worse as will mine.....he had 2 patches left,,he gave them to me to try before i waste money on them is my doc gives them to me.....we have insurance but with certain meds the co-pay is still high...HEY  BTW  francoise,  I think you missed the post where I had the pleasure of meeting Brighty for lunch while I was in florida...she was wonderful, we had a great time we laughed, cried ate and did it all over again..what a great person she is,,,,the same way she is on the forum she is so real and genuine......well my friends....pool time  LOL   finally we are back up where we should be for July.....have a great sunday    love to all    cin

[wildcat]

Cindi,

Yes, Trazadone is an old antidepressant called Desyrel. I took it about 17 years ago when it was one of the newer ones and it worked fine for sleep. The generic trazadone I tried when it came out was terrible I could now even swallow. I felt I was going to choke to death when I woke up. I don't know what the diffence would be, but the try with the generic version was just two year ago. It sucked.

I also thought I read somewhere that Halcion is an anti-psychotic given to withdrawing alcoholics when they are in the DT's and hallucinating. I refused to take it. My mind was already in la-la land by that time that it would only have made things worse!!!

good luck to all,

wildcat

[susanlea]

Ok guy's I've been thrown for another loop! Sorry to bust in on this thread but I'm getting confused again. Of special interest to you Cindi. I went out with that new man last nite. I had such a terrific time (nothing happened) He is so nice, 2 beer's in 4 hours, no drugs, never has, just great. He asked me to go with him to Las Vegas in Sept. (early planning I guess) Well when I got home today, I looked at my caller ID. My ex had called, no message. What does he want? It's now 4 months since he left, 5 weeks since we last spoke, I don't get it. Is he going to offer money? Does he want to get his stuff? Does he want to see if I have any pills? I told him I don't take any. I have a feeling either he's lost his job or he's going too. My best friend feels since he hasn't heard from me he's worried, that I just might be moving on. Or, she said he could now just be realizing how good he had it. I don't get it, why now? I believe he's hitting rock bottom, and I'm sure he's heard mine life's on the upswing! I don't know if I'm strong enough yet to see him, I'm still afraid he will hurt me again. Any suggestions guys? Love You All......Susan

[jennyfla]

Oh Susan, all i can say girl, is be careful.
Addicts are coniving little devils, and he knows just what buttons to push.
Be strong for you and your boys.
Get to your Alanon meeting and discuss this with your support group.  If he calls you back, get the story straight on what it is he wants from you exactly!!!  Be stern and don't let him back into your home!!!!!
If he wants his stuff, can you arrange to have it sent or have someone else deliver it to him.  Set it outside, and leave with your boys!!!!!
Good luck, and keep us posted, we are thinking about you and this has me worried!
Prayers, Lv Jenny

[wildcat]

Lea,

Cindi's right. Addicts and even non-addicts but controlling men in general are conniving and when they see you are on the upswing and don't need them anymore, all of the sudden they try to act like everything has always been perfect or will become so if you just give him one more chance.

I've fallen for that same ole co-dependent **** too many times. I only wish I had gotten out of my mess sooner but mine is still sending his nephews by my house to check up and sometimes I smell cigerette smoke at night and I don't smoke. He used to tell me if he saw me with any other man he'd kill the both of us. He told me that so many times it was like a daily routine of brushing your teeth and washing your hands before eating. I think he took as a weird way of saying I love you! It's sick, but to him it means he can't live without me and somehow I think he means it as a compliment and/or a controll act.

I say get away while you are establishing yourself. If you don't feel strong enough, then follow your intuitions.

I still have some feelings for my ex-boyfriend as strange as that may be, he is a soulmate and they are the hardest to give up on for good.

good luck,

wildcat

[susanlea]

This is getting stranger and stranger! Jenny and Wildcat: I got home last night and there was another call on my caller ID. This one from the hospital where my ex detoxed last year. This is in another county not too close. I called back of course and was told that if he is there they wouldn't be able to tell me if I'm not on the authorization. So...I don't know if this was just a coincidence or if this was the reason he tried to reach me the day before. No clue? They are probably not related but I thought it was very odd for him to call after 5 weeks, no message. And then a call from the same hospital the next day, no message. Wow! I know I shouldn't care but I do...Thanks you guys.....Love you...Susan

[jennyfla]

Sounds like he is probably there, and tried to call you to let you know he was going in.  Now that he is in, he is still trying to reach you, but doesn't want to leave a message.
That is my best guess.  Still, don't fall for it, you've come too far to ever go back.  He would have to do a complete turn to ever consider it, and with his background, i'm sorry, but, it doesn't sound possible.  My guess he is in detox because the withdrawals got so bad.  I would be real leary to hear his true reason for wanting to clean up!
Sorry girl, i know it's hard!  Stay strong!!!!
Lv Jenny

[Milo]

Hi, I'm glad to hear your life is improving, and about these phone calls, all I can say is AMEN to everything Jenny & the others already said. Regardless of how things work out with this new guy, a new chapter in your life has definitely begun (maybe I should say a new volume!)...Keep looking forward, and know you have the strength to move ahead! -- Milo

[susanlea]

Wow am I becoming strange and imaginative! I called the detox and asked for him, they told me he wasn't registered. My mistake, I really thought he was back in. I still don't know why he called. No message and he hasn't tried back. He knows I have caller ID, he lived here over 5 years. So he knows I know he called and I haven't called him back. He has got to be a man. If he really has something to say to me he can call or leave a message. If I call him back I will still be enabling him, making it too easy for him... Thanks for being so cool Milo...Love Susan

[skipper]

hey people:
i'm back. got home late yesterday afternoon. my wife picked up a
perscription to the latest little wonder drug riding the rocket
to popularity wave to pain docs everywhere.the name of this little wonder pill is trileptal. Supposed to work on peripheral nerve damage.I took one and sat down to read the forum (lots of catching up to do). i notice i was having extream difficulty reading and my
thoughts were real disorganized. I was also itching  and scratching real bad. I suddenly noticed i was covered with hives.
I called the pain clinic after hours number, talked to a nurse who
wanted to call 911. I told the nurse i didn't think that was needed, that i couuld get my wife to take me to ER. they got my wifes cell phone number and even called us as we were enroute to
the hospital wanting to know where  we were and why we weren't at
the ER room yet. Before leaving for hospital i took 25 mgs of Benedril. Wasted 2-3 hours at ER room and was told i was having an
alergic (allergic) raction to trileptal (i knew that). was told to go home and take more benedril and go to bed. about an hour later my wife
woke me and said the storm siren a block away was going off and the tv stations were telling ever one to take cover. so- off we go cat and dog, wife and me to basement. Quite a deal- tornado right
over this nieghborhood. I fell asleep as soon as we got to to the
basement. Usually stuff like this really intrests me, so maybe it
was lucky i was zoned out. heard on tv this morning that a guy was struck by lightining about 8 blocks from here. guess the tornado
never touched down. would have been real mess if it had. I'm kind
of mad at myself for sleeping through whole thing. the whole neighborhood is lucky it didn't touch down as it was a big mother
of a tornado. Got to get dressed ad check the roof, etc. for damage.
what a welcome home
kip

[Angelica]

.......I know all to well about the pain.  We have a lot in common where injuries, bolts and screws are concerned.  I have to tell you my concerns and findings about stainless steel.  I  am totally bolt and screw free as of this year.  Did you know that steel is not used anymore (you may not even have this)...titanium is.  Stainless has been known to leave deposits of nickle, mercury etc in the liver, and can cause cancer.  This is what I was told.  I had my hardware for about 8 years.  I don't mean to alarm you, but this is why we are here... to keep each other informed and share information....which makes this medium priceless.  I'm not sure how long you have had these devices, but you may want to discuss this information w/ your doctor.  Also, I would catch anything and everything when I had this hardware in me, which made me wonder about my immune system.  It's still to early to tell if I'm reaping any benefits yet.  I do feel somewhat better now that the hardware is all gone.  It took about 3 seperate surgeries to remove it, over the years.  Now about Oxycontin.  I am having some serious mis-givings about this medication, and wether or not I need to be on it around the clock.  I know exactly what lengths we go to in making sure we don't run out, because this medication is all too powerful, and brings on withdrawals like no other.  I am tapering down, and will try to keep this medication on hand only when bad weather arises, or winter time is here.  I know this is very hard to do, and will take a lot of effort on my part, but I can not stand being a slave to a little bottle of pills.  I do have to be realistic though, and understand when the pain is full blown......I will need this medication.  It's easy to be optimistic when I'm feeling "no pain", but know all to well those days are definately a part of my life.  I've taken up a lot of space already, but would like to discuss some of my incidents w/ Oxycontin since I've been taking them.....for ex.  I was trying ween myself down a bit, and was sleeping a lot,and my mom gave me a surprise visit.....woops???  I had to tell her I was having migraines.....LOL  You all, my doctor and my husband are the only ones who know that I am on this medication.   I'll talk more, later, about it.  Keep in touch
Angelica

[Witchywoman]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here, and this is my first time posting. I was struck by the initial question on this thread, hearing that someone was able to detox from Hydrocodone in 5 days.

I would like to know how!

I've been on vicoprofen for really bad back pain for about two years. Two months ago, I had a back procedure called an IDET, and was put on oxycontin for 8 weeks. My doc just put me back on to vicoprofen, but it is a way lower dose than the oxy, and I'm having bad withdrawals even taking 8 vicoprofen's a day, they are 7.5 mgs each. I can't sleep 'cause I keep waking up in the middle of the night in withdrawal, and during the day, I go into withdrawal (the cold sweats, anxiety, no muscle aches at this point) I was on 40mgs oxy two times per day, with about 5 vicoprofen as well.

I want to get off all these meds. Yes, my back still hurts, but because I've found myself taking extra meds to get the high, I realized that I"ve been abusing it and that I really need to get off it, and manage my pain in other ways. There is a good chance that in another two months the idet procedure will show its benefits, thus lowering my pain a whole lot anyway.

I'm just not sure what to do. I'm scared of quitting cold turkey, I'm a wimp when it comes to discomfort and I've heard the withdrawals are awful.  How did you do it in only 5 days? Did you do a 5 day taper, or was it cold turkey?
Any advice on how I can taper with the least amount of discomfort?

As you can see, I'm full of questions!
Thank you in advance to anyone who can offer some advice. I really need it.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Who said that they detoxed from hydrocodone in five days? I must have missed that one for sure. Most of us know that the physical withdrawals last about five days at most. I know that I can go for at least ten days without anything physically.  It's the mental part that does me in sooner than later.

By all means, try the taper method first for physical comfort.  Later on you will need a lot more support to stay away from relapse.  Withdrawals are like having the Flu as far as bodily discomfort.  The hardest part about addiction is living without the drug forever.  Have you ever experienced the loss of a lover? That's what it is like to get over. Try AA/NA.  J.B.

[Witchywoman]

The initial poster on this thread said they came out of a 5 day detox feeling fine, which made me wonder how they did it that fast.

I'm in the same situation that so many other of the posters that I've read here are in.  Being on narcotics for chronic pain, and then having it get away from me.  

I have a good chemical dependancy program available to me through my insurance, but they won't take people until they are free of all substances.  Does NA let you attend even if you are still on pain medication? Another option I have is a group called PIR, Pagans In Recovery. I am a Pagan, and need to look them up. As far as I know they are 12 step based, but they word the steps in such a way as to speak to Pagans.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place right now. I still have strong pain, and my doctor sees a legitimate need for the vicoprofen.  But the amount he is giving me puts me into withdrawals, and that is my own damn fault for taking more than I should have been taking, thus raising my tolerance and crossing firmly over the line into a mental as well as a physical addiction.

I know I am an addict. I know I need help. I also know that I have strong chronic pain and that I need pain relief.
I waver, almost every hour, between deciding that I'm going to just bear the pain and go cold turkey, then deciding that I'm going to go back up to 12 a day and then taper down cutting one pill every 3 days.  Geez I feel so insane!!! I guess that is yet another sign of my addiction..

The humbling thing about this for me is also that I am a Psychotherapist.  I of all people should have known better, but, then again, this process is stronger than I am, and therapists are not immune to pain and problems.  I took an important step this past weekend and told my husband and my friends about this.

Thanks again for any help, support or advice. I have lurked a bit on this board and have been so impressed with the amount of honesty, compassion, and support shown here.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

If nothing else, you have learned that there are so many people exactly like you  out here waiting for a sign of help. You have the training to be of service to those of us who suffer in silence. Go with God my friend...you know the answers.  J.B.

[jennyfla]

well, i do have to say that a 5-day detox is possible, my husband, who is currently in rehab, proved it.  I had my doubts when i heard the timespan, but he did it!!!!!!! :)
He was on around 50 mg of methadone, and enough oxycontin to kill an elephant, and he shot them up no less.
They used phenobarbital and a mild tranq, and methadone itself to get him off, lowering the dose each day.  He was also a heavy drinker.
It's only been a week, and besides the aches and pains of old injuries that he is now feeling without the pain meds, he is doing wonderfully!  I wouldn't have believed it could have been done so quickly if i didn't just witness it myself.
Now why the h*ll can't i get myself off of the small amounts of oxys/loracets in twice the time without feeling like i'm going to jump out of my skin.
Good luck to you, and i wish you the best in getting off of your meds.  I'm working towards the same thing, and plan to taper, slowly using loracets.  I tried back 2-months ago, and was doing pretty well, but slipped back into it.
But now i have to get real serious, because i feel like a hypocrite, driving my husband to rehab where he is working so hard towards sobriety, and i sit home using!  Pitiful, and i'm less than happy with myself at the moment!  :(
I wish you luck, it's tough, but achievable!!!!
Jenny

[susanlea]

Please don't be so hard on yourself! Everyone is different and eveyone's body is different. An addict is no different. You are so worried that your husband has gone off everything in a week, and you take half and can't do it? Number 1, you are the one home taking care of the kids, house, bills and be supportive of him. You have to remember in detox they have meetings all day, meds to help them sleep, meals made for them and lots of other recovering addicts to keep him up and going! So don't, please don't do this to yourself, you are doing the best you can. Right now your kids and everyone else are depending on YOU! When he comes home give him the responsibility that you've had and then you take care of your addiction. You have my e-mail and phone number if you need me, no matter what time. We are all here for you and we love YOU! You are one of our Angels....love you sweetie!  Susan

[jennyfla]

I posted to you, but i must have lost it, i hate when i do that.
I had said that i thank you so much for your support.
It really is hard keeping things going, but that's no excuse.  It's actually easier now than i was when my husband was here (i know you can relate).
I will get serious very very soon, because i want this for ME as much as i know i need to do this in order for him to maintain his sobriety.
Thank you sweetie!
Do you ever use IM, because i love my AOL IM, and we could just chat away, because i know we have so much in common and could really help eachother trememdously!
Lv Jenny

[skipper]

Hey everyone:
i just posted, sorry about spelling lack of proof reading, etc. i
haven"t eaten today, or taken any oxy. the reasion for this is at
noon i get to have an upper gi endoscope. got refered to this
"creep show" because i musta flunked my barium test. Even got  a
phone call from my neurosurgeon and his pa telling me they would
be thinking about me. hope they ment well cause i've been a real
problem too them for so long. my wife told me i didn't want to know what they were going to do to me, except that i would be able
to eat solid food eventually! at least it's out patient so i will
post later tonight when i wake up.

need ya' all
kip

[Kerrie]

Hello everyone,
    I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while but between tests and sickness and lots of pain, I just haven't felt well at all. I'm through with the most of the tests now. Everyting is fine as far as my disease goes. I have to have another CT the end of August and colonoscopy in about 3 weeks. Thank all of you for your prayers.
    I was reading through the threads and wanted to make everyone that doesn't know this aware of something. In most states it is illegal to carry pills in anything but a prescription bottle. That is controlled meds. The day keepers and pill boxes are not legal for your pills. That is how my daughter got put on probation for 3 years. She and her husband and brother-in-law were going through Georgia when they were pulled over for a cracked windshield. Because her brother-in-law said he didn't like cops they were asked to get out of their vehicles and were searched. She had 5 or 10 vallium and 4 xanex in her bottle with her pain med prescription bottle. The xanex were her brother -in-laws . I brought the bottle to Georgia for the xanex and a letter from the doctor that gave the vallium.She didn't have a bottle because it was a presciption written for my family when my mother was dying. Not only would they not accept the bottle or the letter,they said they were going to go after the doctor for doing that. That's when the judge told me it was illegal to carry controlled meds in anything but the bottle their suppose to be in. If you go through Georgia, they don't care what your reason is. They told us that ignorance was no excuse. Half the courthouse employees told us they didn't know it was illegal either. So beware.
    I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you girls. Don't let that ex back into your life dear. Your on the way up, keep going. Jennyfla, stay strong. You'll be alright.Angelica, I still haven't tried anything else for my pain. I still fear going to anything stronger than the Lortab but I want to have more controll of my pain. Advice needed.Cindi,thank you for staying in touch hon. I appreciate all of you and pray for everyone daily. You give such great advice.
    My daughters husband has told her their through. I don't know if this is anything to do with the drugs but I suspect it does. She still denies having a problem.She was escorted out of her doctors office by police so she doesn't have a link for her pills now. We live in an area where the doctors will not write scripts for pain. I'v had her son for about a week. I don't know where this will end. I told Cindi the last time something like this happened ( twice) she tried to kill herself. I have to trust God on this. I'm not able to do anymore. She has to see for herself what she needs to do and no matter what I say it's up to her.Please keep us in your prayers.
    I'll go for now. I'll try to catch up on the threads a little each day. Welcome to all you new friends. You won't be sorry you came here. These people are the best.
     God Bless,
         Kerrie

[jennyfla]

Thank you for all your words of wisdom to everyone here.  I'm sorry about your daughter, i know that must be so hard on you to be witness to all this and feel so helpless!  I pray that she finds strength to admit to her addiction and seek help!
As for you, i pray that you will feel better soon, and not have to suffer so much with your medical problems!
To be in physical pain must be so difficult, i thank my lucky stars that i am healthy, and more the reason that i put a stop to all this drug-taking!  I have so much going for me, i need to stop pushing myself further into the ground while there's still time!
(((HUGS))) to you sweetie!!!!
Lv Jenny

[susanlea]

Hey girlie! I'm in the same boat again. He called me around 10:00 tonight. I didn't pay any attention to the caller ID. All I knew was it wasn't his cell phone. It caught me off guard. It was weird and I'm not feeling so good. He says he take's methadone here and there when he need's it? Nothing else. I know this can't possibly be true. Like you all say. ADDICT"S LIE. I have a feeling he will be by sometime over the next week. He says he worried about me, asks if I need any money. This is so stupid. Why the calls every few weeks. 4 1/2 months, I've made it this far. Am I relapsing back? Am I not over my addiction to him and his addiction. I need you guys...Susan

[jennyfla]

Oh my my girl!!!!
Run, don't walk to the nearest Alanon meetings, sounds like he's trying to make his way back in.
Just try to remember all the pain and heartache that he caused you through the years.
Tell yourself that you are too good to go back to that, that your boys deserve so much more out of life.
Don't let him fool you, he's an addict, and he will probably never change.  He doesn't sound like the type that will ever be willing to change, and he will only take you right down with him, and your boys!!!!
You will regret it, if you decide to take him back, and it will become harder and harder to get away from him, just like any other addiction!!!!
He is an addiction, and nothing more than that, and you don't need him.  Plus, he's only using you. He isn't capable of loving anyone, not even himself. The only thing that he loves in his life right now are the pills, etc.  He is in a little tinie tiny closed world with blinders on, and he will do what it takes, no matter who gets hurts, to keep him addiction alive and his pills coming!!!!
Don't tall for it, please don't!!!!!!!  It's the devil in disguise!
Love you girl!
Jenny

[Angelica]

....I don't know if you found my last post addressed to you???  It was about a little problem that Ive had w/ my husband on and off for years.  I know the problems w/ your daughter are a bit more serious, but hell, addiction is addiction, right, and this never ending need to fill the hole or chase the high seems as though it will never end.  The risk taken to do so, are unbelievable.  Well, I've made a decision.  I told my husband that I will no longer badger him, or investigate anymore.  He's got the open roadway..... to whatever.  I asked him to keep it out of my house and away from my children.  I realize that it's gonna take a bigger, meaner, greater intity than little ole me,and as long as I'm causing him to dabble now and then....I am only setting myself up for a lifetime of this......so I told him go full speed ahead....pull out all the stops, and whats gonna happen is:  the odds are stacked against him, and he will be caught.  He lost a job a few years back, because he failed a drug screen.  This made an impact on him, cause he doesn't like to be hit in the wallet.  I just hope he doesn't do something stupid that will bring me down w/ him.  I just told CIN and Wiz some of the stupid things he does.  Stupid risks....  Well, we shall see, won't we???  God Bless.....it's in his hands now...look out!!!
Angelica

[cindi]

Man  girlie,,jenny is right  get going    high tail it to the nearest meeting,,,stay away and don't let him back in lea....be strong....he is your DRAGON...don't let him breathe his fire back into you.....for your sake and the sake of those kids......good luck   love to all          cin

[jennyfla]

Oh do i ever know that 'road to nowhere' feeling and that it will never stop.  
It's stopping, and i never would have believed it, my husband is DRUG-FREE!  He is a good sole, kind-hearted, and so extremely sensitive!!!!  I'm not drug-free sorry to say (YET!!!!!), but i'm working towards it and i WILL win!!!!
Good luck sweetie, and never loose hope, but i think you are on the right track!!!!
From one co-dependent to another, i feel your pain!
Lv Jenny

[jennyfla]

I am so proud of my husband, he is doing fantastic in rehab!  :)
He told me today, that he just set up his aftercare treatment program, and he will be going to extensive outpatient theropy, and he sounds very comfortable with it, in fact overjoyed!!
He plans to go to his 90/90 which is a must!!!
The place he will be going to has an excellent program.  It's one that i went to 2 1/2 years ago, but screwed it up because i decided to drink again, and was canceled! :(
So it looks like he will be home after his 28-days, with no extended treatment at that facility.  It was decided by him and his counselor, so they know what they are doing!
Know, one thing that i am going to suggest to him when he gets home... I want him to join this board, because i feel he will benefit so much from all of you wonderful people, plus, i think it would help him a great deal to share his experiences, and help others!  I think this board will be an important part of his recovery, and i know that you all will welcome him with open arms.
Before he went into rehab, he would ask that i print out posts from all of you, all of the time... i loved that he enjoyed reading, and it gave him a sense of comfort.  I can just imagine all that it will do for him to join after being drug-free.  His mind is clear and his heart is open.  The cloud has lifted for him, and i could only be happier if i could join him in a life of sobriety.  
I never would have figured that i would be left here as a using drug addict, and he be clean, never in my wildest dreams!  All that we've been through, i just can't believe it still!  Boy these drugs are powerful, almost as strong as ME, but not quite, so i'm going to beat them at their own game!  
I just don't want to bring him down and cause a relaspe as i stuggle to get clean.  I know i will be weak, and it is hard for him to see me that way.
When i dislocated my finger back in december, he said it tore him up to see me like that, me, the piler of strength.  Well, that was nothing compared to what i am about to experience, so i hope he's ready!!!!!!!
I will do my best to grit my teeth and bare it without setting him into a tailspin, but i've never done this before, only slightly, so i have no idea what's going to happen (the scarest part)!
My three children put a whole new dimension on the whole thing because i never get a break, i'm not allowed to be sick!
Afterall, mommies can't get sick!!!!!!!
Love to you all, and thank you for being the special people that you are!!!! :)
Lv Jenny

[Angelica]

thanks for the encouragement.  I do realize that my little problem is nothing compared to what you all been through, yet there is no measure when coming to this board.  Everyone is so good about this.  
One thing you said at the end of your post....mommies can't get sick.  This is sooo true.  I believe this why women have a hard time coming off of anything.  I mean whatta ya do w/ the kids??? ya know.  I definately can put myself in your shoes, just trying to taper down in my case.....feeling like i need to sleep all the time, but you can't.  Hang in there.

[jennyfla]

Thank you sweetie for the encouragement!
I'm going to do a taper program, same as i started back beginning of last month, and i was really doing great (while on vacation surrounded by my family).  I was very sleepy the first couple of days, and my family helped with the kids, they just thought i was a bit worn out from my homelife, which they knew hadn't been easy, so i got away with being lazy! :)
I was feeling pretty good by the end of my visit, but couldn't get down more than 15 mg per day.  I will do the same again, 1/2 a loracet 3x a day, then slowly take a dose away one by one.  Trick will be is to make my husband believe that i've been tapering all along, and that i'm done and no more are in the house...  He'll be back in two weeks, sooner than i thought (he orginally was going to stay 3-months), so i screwed up!!!  I couldn't start right away, i was so stressed after he was admitted, and what i had been through those months before he went, that i wanted them more than ever all of a sudden!
Sigh, dissapointment once more, but enough of that, there's work to be done, and i'm not going to beat myself up anymore!
We all have a similar bond, we are all addicts, with all different kinds of stories.  After being on this board, i thank god that i don't have some of the physical problems that some of the wonderful people have here, and hope that i never do!!!  I think i am truly a very very lucky person to be mostly painfree.  I egg my back pain on with the dr just to get pills, it's only minor, just a simple case of brochitis, so it is more than manageable with simple advil or something!
Some of these drs should be shot for prescribing as they do, moneyhungry life stealers is what they are!!!
Take care of yourself sweetie, and please don't minimize your story, you've got quite the load on your shoulders!
Lv Jenny

[Witchywoman]

Jenny, good luck with your taper!

I'm trying to taper too, and am having a hard time. It makes it easier for me knowing that I am not the only one.

:hugs

WW

[Angelica]

.... Did you think about just sticking to the Lorcet to get completely off the Oxycontin???  I'm trying to go strictly back to norco or vicodin.  I didn't feel soo bad when I was taking this, came off of it w/ no problem.  Oxycontin is just sooo strong.  I can't believe this doctor gave this to you.  You need to live where I live....LOL  Doctors won't give you anything.  
Your husband will be gone for 2 weeks......that in itself would kill me.  You poor thing.  Well, your not alone... we are here for you.  Rem.  supernatural strength.... we all need it from time to time......  Your going to make it.

[jennyfla]

You're such a sweetheart for thinking about me!!!
Actually, my husband will be gone 28-days in all, tomorrow is the half-way mark.
I saw him today, and i was able to lay on his chest for a while and hug him, oh he felt so good.  Our kids were good, and they just played and let us talk.  It been a lot longer than 13 days since i've been able to lay on his chest and feel happy with him.  He's been gone for a long long long time, and i am so happy he is 'back'!!! :)
I see in his eyes that he is back on this planet again, he was in the dark for a long time... I can see the way he responds to things and the movement of his eyes to things, especially the kids, and his expressions and his comments.  I've missed him for so so so long, it makes me cry to think of all the time we've lost.  He is an inspiration, and i want to be where he is, alive and aware of everything around me!!!  I don't want to live in my numb little world anymore, i can make it without all these crappy drugs and the alcohol!!!  I felt great while pregnant, and i want to feel like that again!!!
Yes, definately, loracets will be a much easier taperdown.  I started to do that at the beginning of last month, was down to a 1/2, 3x a day.  I will try that again, then slowly take a dose away.  I can manage it like that, although i will be slightly uncomfortable, i can still manage.  I'm going to try the L-tyrosine because that is my biggest problem, lack of energy, and also depression!
Wish me luck girl!!!!
:)
Lv Jenny

[jennyfla]

You are far from alone girl, and we can try to help and support eachother through this very difficult times of our lives.
It really does help knowing that we're not alone doesn't it, this board is irreplaceable!!!!
I love these people here, and i think you've already had a good taste of what these people are all about, and we are happy that you are here, we can use great people like yourself!  :)
We can do this, we are too good to miss out on all the wonderful things that this world can give!!!!!  Stay strong!!!!
Lv Jenny

[Angelica]

......Ya know if it weren't for the bad times in our lives, we wouldn't have the ability to put ourselves in someone elses shoes and feel compassion for each other.  This will, w/ no doubt build character w/in you, and your husband......and if you can get through this....there is nothing that you two can't weather..... Peace of cake.  
I am so glad you had a peaceful visit, and isn't it amazing that the children were so peaceful....... makes you wonder who's watching out for you guys....???  Be strong, and fight for your family.  What your longing for is right around the corner....

[Wizard]

Amen to what Angelica said Jenny. I've been reading the posts as fast as I can and I can see you have been giving some outstanding advice girl! It looks like things are starting to brighten for you for sure. You hang in there darling, you WILL succeed. I see it in your words every day. I've got a lot to cover so I'll this short. You know you are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers. Reach for the LIGHT and you will be free!
Power & Magick 2U,
Peace & Light upon us all,
Luv, Wiz

[Angelica]

....Glad your back. Just not the same w/o ya!  Glad you liked the e-card.  
Speaking of typos.....Look what I did up there^^^....Peace of cake instead of, piece of cake.....lmao  What a doe doe bird.....
Isn't it funny how we always blast the send/post button, then discover our typo's. LOL  
I know what you mean about catching up...... just being gone for a few days, and look out!  It's hard to keep up w/.  chat soon.
Angelica

[jennyfla]

I just read you posts, and you are all so right!  I'm feeling a bit defeated right now, i feel the pressure is on and i'm not doing as well as i had wished!
I can dish it out, but when it comes to actually 'doing it', i'm feeling weak!
My husband keeps telling me how wonderful it is to be drugfree, and i know he's in his little sheltered enviroment full of counselors and meetings, so it's basically easy for him to talk like that right now.  When he gets home, the battle will begin.  I'm still here in my world battling for my life!  It's a weak moment right now, i don't know why, i've been filled with love from my kids, kind words from my husband, my best of best of a friend telling me how much 'love' she saw when was here (me and my hub have for eachother even through all the madness of addiction).  I haven't been straight with her, she knows i have the alcohol to beat, but doesn't know, since my pregnancy, that i've gotten into the drugs again!  I feel bad about keeping that from her, although i know she would understand and only be there for support, but i'm ashamed!
I've kept it from my family (for good reason), and i guess i tired of having robert look like he's the 'bad one' (poor term), but like i'm the innocent little hurt one trying to get through the druggie husband relationship.  I can't tell my family, they'd just die if they knew.  My mom tends to drink in times of stress, and i know if i confessed, it would set her into a tailspin.  I feel awful about myself, and the guilt that i hold inside, and try to cover up my addiction, is just a lot to carry around every day!
I will beat this, i must, but it's going to be a tough road!!!  I'm such feeling this incredible pressure that i MUST clean up quick, although i am ready, the more pressure i feel, the more i want to use!  It's a vicious circle!!!  I appreciate all of your posts, they are priceless right now, and you guys are what helps me to keep going everyday.  But i need to break this cycle, i have to get strong quick!  I CANNOT be the cause of my husband's relaspe.  Even if i stopped now, i won't be right when he comes back.  I made a promise to have everything completely GONE when he returns!!  It's a must, not even a choice made by me right now.  I know this is not the way i want to live, and i want to be able to enjoy and feel life to it's fullest again!
I need his arms around me, and his comfort of not feeling so alone having to carry the full weight of everything on my shoulders.  (major pity-party going on), but it's the way i feel.  I feel almost like removing myself when he comes back, although impossible with the kids and my job.  I fear what he will come home as, he will be relying on my strength, i know him, and i don't know if i am strong enough to handle him and myself.  I know i need to concentrate on myself right now, that he can take care of himself, and really the best thing for him right now is for me not to smuther him anyway.  I don't want him coming home to some weak, pitiful addict, what a mess i've made!!!  He will have enough just dealing with adjusting to sobriety and having to find a job right off the bat, he doesn't need me falling apart at the seams on top of it!!!
He needed to go right then and there, he was running out of precious time, but i am running out too now, and this hurdle is looking higher and higher with each passing day!  eeks!!! :(
Love Jenny

[Angelica]

.....Don't apologize for unloading.  This is healthy for you.  Your speaking to your mind and soul as you write.  This is therapeutic..... Go to the library, get some self help books, read on the internet...pray, surround YOURSELF w/ help, just as your husband has.  I know this is not the ideal way to solve the problem, but you have to do the best that you can in your circumstance.  Your going to make it.  You will.  I don't know how your relationship is w/ your mother, but maybe you should consider confiding in her.  This may not be such a bad thing.  Your mother will understand.  It may be a shock at first, but she will accept you unconditionally.......she will.  It takes great strength and courage to do that, and she may even admire you in the end.  keep posting......  Don't feel sooo bad. Your human.  
love and prayers,
Angelica

[Angelica]

....What schedule are you on w/ the meds now???  I have an idea: at night, or in the morning...... plan your day.  Write it down on paper.  Make yourself a full schedule.  I am no expert here, but I'm trying to think of ways to help you through this.  I am trying to put myself in your shoes..... virtually.  For ex.  (plan every hour)morning.....fix breakfast (are you still working?)clean the kitchen...take the kids to the library.  Go visiting....put hours inbetween your meds.  Leave them at home... so you won't be tempted to take them early.  I know JB waits as long as he can...... he forces himself to do this.  Eventually, you will take less and less.  I know you don't feel like doing any of this, but don't sit idle.  Take a bath, even if you don't need to LOL....take long walks, even if you don't feel like it.  Have an art session w/ the kids....have reading time...every single day.  I know everyones probably saying she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about, but i'm trying here.  Put your favorite tv shows somewhere in that schedule.  Call someone you haven't spoke to in a while.  Fill your days. Clean the closets..... lol   Keep very busy.   Start a journal.....or diary.  I know you've heard a million and one things.  You could also write down the positive posts....about the successful recoveries here at the forum... and just re-inforce...through-out the day.  Your heart is in the right place..... GUYS>>... help me out here.... Jenny needs us right now.
Love,
Angelica

[jennyfla]

You are such a sweetie!!!!  I am the type who rarely sits down, i'm always busy busy busy!!!!
I'm afraid of stopping and not being able to get out of bed in the morning for work.
I'm going to try the 1/2 of a loracet 3x a day again like i did beginning of last month.  That was manageable, although i had a very very hard time getting to sleep at night, at least i wasn't loaded up on pills!
I'm going to get serious after this weekend, and start a plan!!
Your ideas are wonderful, and with three children and a fulltime job, i should have enough to keep me busier than even needed!
I can do this!
Lv Jenny

[Wizard]

Dear, why wait till the weekend? that will put more pressure on you to do it quicker before your husband gets home. I know it isn't gonna be easy or pretty but I also know that I went years starting my day looking into my mirror while shaving saying to myself: "just this once more and I'll start tommorrow". JENNY, THERE IS NO TOMMORROW. We love you girl and you know what you have to do. DO IT NOW! Jenny, I'm not calloused, heaven knows I've been there. You can not put it off anymore. It won't get easier tommorrow, this weekend or next week. It'll only take longer to finish. Do it now and stay with us here, we will walk with you every step of the way. Get back on the L-tyrosine regiment, hot baths etc. YOU KNOW the routine. It DOES work. The Wiz will send the magick dust and rainbows darling along with my prayers to God to grant you the strength. You have it in you or you would not have been able to handle the home front this far. I KNOW you CAN do it. REMEMBER you are a WOMAN who has children! There is nothing on this earth stronger than that! We guys are a bunch of wimps when we are REALLY honest.If we get a headache we want to take 3 days off of work but a mother and wife's job keeps on going! The guys out there may not like me saying this but DEEP down in side they know I'm right. Go for it Jenny and lean on us and GOD. We won't let you down. i'll be praying real hard for you angel for sure.
Power & Magick 2U,
Peace & Light on us all,
Luv, Wiz

[Witchywoman]

Hi Jenny,
Ok...let me just preface this by saying I feel a tad hypocritical making suggestions, since I am in the same position as you..trying to taper..but hopefully I'll take my own advice as well.

I fear you are putting too much pressure on yourself.
I hear so much self criticism, blame, and fear of further guilt in your words.  Along with Angelica's wonderful suggestions for keeping your day highly structured, I want to second her suggestion for keeping a journal. But, here's the twist...along with venting in there and here, focus on identifying your strengths, on finding your beautiful spiritual core. In short, practice loving yourself, and if you already love yourself, love yourself even more.  When you love yourself, you take care of yourself, and when you take care of yourself, you are more likely to get into solid recovery.

Also, one thing that I really admire about you Jenny is your level of honesty. Your honesty here has kept me honest here.  Here, with us, you seem to be able to just lay it all out and be real. Doesn't that feel good? Remember that good feeling when it comes time to decide if you are going to tell your best friend or your mother about your addiction. Keep the focus on YOU. Ask yourself if holding it in is supporting your addiction or your recovery, and then act on the basis of that answer. Try not to act on the basis of how you think other people will feel or react...you have no control over that anyway.  Just act based on the answer to the question "Will this support my addiction or will it support my recovery" and
"What is the best thing for Jenny".
If your mom goes into a tail spin, it is NOT your fault. I know that fear though, I grew up with an alcoholic mother.
I remember from 12 step meetings the saying "We are as sick as our secrets". Truth sets us free. Truth can make others uncomfortable, but then we get the chance to practice not taking responsibility for other people's reactions.
I also think that honesty helps us reduce our shame, by dragging it out, feeling it, and then moving forward.

My two cents...now I need to re read what I wrote and take my own advice! LOL

I'm in this with you Jenny, you are not alone.

WW

[Angelica]

....I'm still doing some catching up on my reading here.  I actually  have (computer eyes) a stye (sp?)in my eye lol.  Hurts like hell.  Anyway, I was reading your 7/14 post, and have to say I'm so proud of you....basically that is it.....just want to let you know that( I know your still having a rough time, though, but)...... ya doing great, my friend....
Love ya!
Angelica

[jennyfla]

Man oh man, am i just so very lucky to have people like you, and all the other wonderful people on this board.
My heart just keeps getting fuller and fuller with love, and i really do love myself.  I used to have a problem with that, but over the years, i have really come a long way with my innerlove!  I have a long way to go, and know that there is so much of me that i don't even know exists.  I'm hiding behind the face of addiction.
I live in a world only to survive and get through each day, and this is something that needs to be changed.  I need to change the things that have caused me to feel the need to numb myself.  I need to become a happier person, therefore, becoming a healthier person through and through.  There's so much work ahead of me, so many changes that will need to take place.  But, one step at a time, one day at a time... I will try to focus on what needs to happen right now, and try to not look at too many things at one time.  But, i know changes are going to have to be made.  I hope that i can stay married to my husband.  Before he went into treatment, i knew that i was nearing the end of being able to continue living like i was.  I was numbing myself in order to deal with the pain of his addiction.  But, there is a lot more to it, i see that now.  I am numbing myself because basically i am very unhappy in my life.  My job is very unrewarding, but i need to stay right now because it pays so well.  I would like to do something in life where i feel i am making a contribution to the world, not just shuffling papers from one corner of my desk to another.  I want to end my day knowing that i helped someone, or made a mark on the world.  Nothing big, but just alittle something that is rewarding within itself.  I feel apart and had a mini nervous breakdown when we moved here almost 5-years ago.  My world was falling apart around me, and i couldn't find a grip on anything.  I walked around crying all of the time.  I got a job, my current job, which was a joke.  Like i said, the pay is too good to leave right now, especially with my husband's job situation, BUT, this is an area i would like to change.  Then my husband found loracets, hmmm, these make the pain go away for a while, this is a 'good thing'.  Well it turned into heroin and then the oxys.  I slowly saw all that we had worked for go down the tubes.  Our A+ credit quickly feel into bankruptcy.  We both feel into a world of darkness with no easy way out.  I'm still here!  :(
I need to get sober so i can begin to make the changes necessary to be happy.  Addiction is only a symptom of something else.  Even if i end the physical abuse, the mental darkness will still be there unless i find a way out.  This is going to be a very important step to staying sober, i know this.  
I am one step closer to sobriety in knowing what i will need to do at least.  I need to look at the possibilities, things within my grasp.  Not things like moving again to a different place right now, that would be too stressful and difficult.  I need to look at easy answers to happiness, nothing to drastic!
I am hoping that my husband will be on the same wavelength, because i would love to walk beside him in finding happiness!
I know our love is strong enough, but sometimes love isn't enough.  We both need to be well in our minds and our thinking in order to succeed!  I think he is learning how to live all over again, and i hope that i will learn too!  Not through him, but through ME!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for being here!!!!! :)
Good luck WW, i will be here for you too!
And Wiz, well, you're an inspiration to us all, and i hope to be swinging on that rainbow soon!
Lv Jenny