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Can anyone talk about the "monsters"?

The monsters are back in full force!  Help!!!  I'm sitting up right now fighting the urge not to take any pills.  My husband is asleep in bed. Why am I not in bed with him?  Maybe if I sleep with the light on, the monsters want come! :)
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Avatar universal
I am right there with you and the urge is strong but we can beat it and we will.  Don't you know deep down that you really don't have a choice.  That's kind of how I feel, which for me - the control freak - just makes it harder.  But I am going to resist and I hope you will too.

I haven't spoken with you, I don't think so Im not familiar with your story but I think I can guess the main points, right?  Do you have something to help you sleep?  How long has it been?

I will promise not to do it if you promise me as well.  We can beat this moster together.  Turn on Intervention on A&E.  It will help when you see the outcome for some of these ppl.

You will be in my prayers and thoughts tonight.
Sincerest Wishes,
M
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Avatar universal
The first part of your battle is to watch tv or post or find something to do to make you sleepy enough to get into that bed so you can fight off the monsters..  Its all about a fight, and you can do it,  You made it through the day right???  Dont ruin it now.  Your safe in bed but you dont want your mind to start talking to you..  Keep peaceful, pray,, be good to yourself and dont give in , Huggs G
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Avatar universal
Hello my lovely girl.  I don't really know what to say I wish I could think of something that would make it easier for you, but I can't please please please try not to take the one now that will lead to another and so on.  Is Fladdict, rooftrash on cause they will know what to say to help.  Keep reading and typing and try something - I don't know I feel so helpless.  Is there anything else that can take your mind off it?  Movie, Sex, Ice cream I dunno just anything but that.  See what the others say cause they know and I don't all I can say is I care and pray that you manage to get through tonight then keep going.  U can do it little by little.  I wish I could bash the sh*t out of that monster for you!
Luv and hugs
Lynne
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Avatar universal
I read your posts all of the time!  We have soooo much in common!  I have nothing to help the sleep come and it's only been a day.  I teach school, fifth grade, and should be exhausted.  Okay, I have it on Intervention.  Wow!  How familiar.  
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Avatar universal
Hey girl!!!  I posted under your posts about not being harsh.  Don't worry, I straightened everyone out about ya!  :)  Hubby's sleeping, so no sex. lol
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Avatar universal
How are you going thru this w/ school still "in"  That puts a different spin on things.  I really don't know if I could have done that.  When does summer start for you.  Is there anyway to make it til then?  I know Im going back and forth, but I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.  I only stay home with my 2 children - and I couldn't do it w/out Suboxone.  It has really been a miracle for me.  I know (especially after tonight) that my little DEVIL is only right outside the door.  Its a battle I will continue to fight and have to fight for me and my family.  I wish the med predicament wouldn't have happened this weekend but it was my fault and I will deal until MOnday.  I have to.

Would Suboxone be an option for you?  I couldn't handle the physical part of w/d so, it really helped me.  But, Im kind of a weanie in that regard.  You have to do what is right for you.  If c/t is the best way for you then I promise to be here for you whenver you need to RAGE.  IF tapering works, I'll encourage you there too, and if replacement meds will work then we can talk about that.  The method doesn't matter - the only thing that matters is that you put this ***t behind you b/c there is such a great life on the other side.  I know this to be true and am shocked daily by how much better it is.    That's the only thing I can promise - that when it's all said and done, you'll be sooo happy you did it.  Though it may be hell while your in it.  

Please let me know how I can help.

Sincerest Wishes, Tracy
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Avatar universal
FOUR MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL!!!!!!  It is very hard to feel this way and teach.  You have to be there for the children.  You have to smile and be bubbly!  Sometimes that really sucks!  I really don't know anything about suboxone?  Where do you get it?  No one knows about my addiction but my best friend.  No One!!!  So, I really have to be discreet.  I just need for it to be that way right now.  So, tell me about the sub.
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Avatar universal
first, I don't know if you know but Im a teacher as well.  Well, I was until my first daughter was born and then I stayed home.  Now that I have two, I want to go back to work.  Life is so funny, hu?  Anyway, so I totally know how you feel about the way a teacher has to "be" while at school.  We wear so many hats, thinking of yourself is just not an option.  And your in the south too.  We are pretty much the bottom of the education barrel, Im not familiear with NC's system.  I taught special ed to 5th and 6th mostly, but have done it all K-12 at one time or another.  My husband was transferred alot, he's in sales - or was before oxycontin introduced herself.  Anyway, so I have also taught in Tennessee.  

I dont know if you said how much you took daily.  Had you weaned down some?  Honestly, I would have to wait til school was out, but again Im a weanie.  I couldn't be where you are right now and have the will power you are showing.  And it has to be a major ***** hiding it from everyone.  I had to tell my mom and sister - and though they really don't understand, they have been pretty supportive.  I started b/c of major back issues and 2 failed surgeries, so I somewhat placed the blame there.  Would your family totally freak?  It does help to have ppl to be accountable to - even though they drive me nuts sometimes.

The worst in about 3-5 days so by Monday = you should be turning the corner.  You were smart to do it on the weekend?  Can you fake a flu for a few days, b/c you are going to need to.

Suboxone.com has some good info on the drug and can give you a list of docs that can write it.  Im going to check on the baby and I will get right back to you.
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177003 tn?1266270355
You have gotten good advice from good people. On a day when you're stronger and you feel the need to use, go to battle. Face the demons one by one and defeat them. You will feel so good afterwards. You will triumph over the enemy. For tonight, do whatever gets you through. Cry if it helps. It will make you feel sleepy. Screaming is good but not at this time of night. I have faith in you. You're going to be fine. When you're done watching TV go to bed. Tomorrow will be easier because you can tell yourself you won this battle and that makes one more day that you beat the monsters.
Please Take Care.....hugs.....LS
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Avatar universal
Suboxone is a replacement drug for opiate addiction.  It is different from lortab/oxycontin in that it attaches itself to your brain's receptors (where lorcet goes to make u feel good) and knocks others out of there.  It only attaches to two of them so you are able to start making your own from the third and the one that makes the most pleasurable feelings.   I hope this makes sense, I am so tired and can't believe Im still up.  Anyway, so you have to be in mild w/d when you begin suboxone or it will knock whatever you've taken off and you will go into serious w/d.  So you see a doc in mild w/d and they are supposed to give you your first 8mg in the office to see how you respond.  They usually do this 2mg at a time.  It took the whole 8 before I felt better, but I was on a LOT of Oxycontin.  Anyway, that doc mandates couneling and I have to go every month to get refill, take a drug test and discuss probs. etc.  THis is how it is supposed to work = my doc is a lunatic, but that's a whole different story.  Anyway, by the time I got to the car that day (and believe me, I felt like complete **** when I got there)I felt like I hadn't in so long.  IT was INCREDIBLE.  It was a clarity and happiness and energy that I had been missing and never knew I missed, ya know.  I began to feel again, have emotions again, enjoy my kids, so many things that I had no idea I wasn't doing before.  It really has been a great thing for me and my husband

Id be glad to answer any questions you have but I better get some sleep now.  The baby might not care that it's my b/day and Im tired.  THey're funny that way, hu?  I hope you have a good night.  Do the best you can do to resist the urge.  No matter what you decide, I will be here if you need me.  Talk to you soon.

love, TRacy
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Avatar universal
Hey girl!  Yes, I'm still up.  It's 5:00 a.m.  Let me tell you my story...
I guess I first started taking pain meds when I had a kidney stone. I thought they were the greatest thing in the world. They helped the pain and made me feel like I could take on the world. I had so much energy. Energy I needed just to be sane. I was in the middle of a nasty divorce and was very depressed. The pain meds made me feel alive again - at least for a while. I guess at first i didnn't take enough to have bad withdrawals, because when I ran out, I did okay. So I took them off and on for about two years. I started back to school at 29 and worked during the day and went to school at night. I had gotten a bad cold and my doctor gave me Tussinex. It contains hydrocodone. Liquid Heaven! It was so much better than pills. I guess that's what finally hooked me. Again though, the withdrawals were not really bad. Last May I had my thyroid removed because of thyroid cancer. Again, I had all the pain meds I needed. Lorocet 10's to be exact. I found that I could do anything. I had remarried and felt they gave me the energy to be a "good wife". They also helped me get through a day of 22 fifth graders. I could teach better than ever. I realized I had a problem when I started stealing pills from my mom, who had just had a knee replacement. I also took pills from other family members. My aunt asked me one day if I'd took any of her meds. Of course, I lied, and she knew it. I felt so ashamed. I assured her that I didn't have a problem. Lately, I've stolen money from my husband, father, and mother to buy pills. When you start buying them, you know you're addicted. I have paid as little as $5 to as much as $7 for Lorocet 10-s. I have probably spent about $800.00 in the last six months. I feel dirty, ashamed, miserable, helpless, alone...and every other emotion you can imagine. I am not a bad person and have never stole or done anything illegal in my life. I was raised in a Christian home and have a wonderfully close family. However, there is no one I can talk to about any of this except my best friend, and you guys. My husband holds a very prestigious position in our community and everyone knows him. I would not feel comfortable talking to my doctor either. He's friends with hubby.  I know, I know, Dr./Patient priviledge.  Still, I worry!  I have taken as many as 12 in one day.  Yesterday, I took 8.  
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Avatar universal
I swear, I think everyone's story is so close to the same - we all could be one person.  I started about 7 years ago due to major back pain.  started on Darvocet.  I, like you, stopped many times so I assumed that I didn't have a problem - and maybe I didn't ...YET.  After a few years of that - and no clear diagnosis on my back, I was also given some cough meds for a sinus infection.  IT was MEND max and it was the BOMB.  I fell in love like never before.  I quickly began to fake a cough all around town.  Thinking of me then really makes me laugh  - I must have looked so damn stupid.  Anyway, finally a doctor determined that I had a broken disc and the pieces were floating and penetrating my nerve root.  So in August 2003 (less than a year after my first child was born) I had a microdiscectomy.  Basically, a small surgery (relative), where they removed the broken pieces to ease the pain.  DIDN"T WORK so in November 2003, I had a full fusion on that disc. What a f...ing surgery that was.  I have a scar for days on my back and what a shocker - DIDN"T WORK!!  and now thanks to the gift of scar tissue - its worse and the other discs are degenerating.  I love being 36 and feeling 96.  Anyway, throughout all of this I continued up the specturm of drugs - hydrocodone, percocet, kadian, duragesic patch (fentenyl - i think that's how to spell it), etc until I landed on Oxycontin about 2 years ago (a little less).  Anyway at first I did fine w/ them - I took them correctly and did great.  HOWEVER< i still went after cough syrup whenever I could, funny haven't even thought about it since I started suboxone, so i guess its doing what it is supposed to.  Anyway, during this oxycontin time, I got pregnant with daughter #2 - total suprise - wonderful but really unplanned.  Anyway, my pain management doc and OB worked closely to continue to lower my dose so that she would be born with no health issues or w/d problems. (I would have chewed my own leg off before I would have let that happen).  Anyway, throughout my pregnancy we flipped from the patch to oc due to major nausea.  The weight gain, though minimal, due to the puke fest that was my life, did add to the pain and moved things around that really didn't want to be bothered, or so it felt like.  Anyway, I did great while pregnant and got down to about 10-20mg a day, and usually 10.  My daughter was born premature due to my pre-eclamsia but was fine by all other accounts.  So, she stayed in NICU for 3 weeks (she weighed only 4'7 at birth and got down to 3'11) But a fighter was she ever - she kicked butt in the weight gaining dept. and is now, I truely believe, the fattest baby I have ever seen.  so cute!!  sorry, digressing again,  after she came home from the hospital, we found that dear baby had some big time stomach issues - that no one could identify.  so for the past 9 months we have tried all different formulas, had an upper and lower GI done, tested for various problems and still no answer.  She is however quite a bit better now, but still has intestinal problems most days.  That poor child has had more things in her butt - sorry, its true - I feel so bad and my family thinks I have some weird fetish LOL LOL. Anyway, due to her problems, she never slept and screamed basically ALL THE TIME.  I even videoed it for the doctor b/c I knew she was thinking ok, mom, it's bad , I know.  SHE ABOUT DIED when she heard and saw what the very small thing could do.  SO>>> sorry, b/c of all of that I started taking more and more oxycontin.  Continued to see my OB and started back to pain man.  - even found a home town dealer to help out as needed.  By this time, hubby was right there with me - mg for mg.  He got a rx as well (TN has less stringent laws, I believe, or in my experience)anyway, those 3 rx couldn't hold us and we were spending about 4000 a month on street pills.  DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO EVEN WRITE THAT # DOWN>  I MAY PUKE NOW!!!  sadly, it's the truth.  Since her birth (July) we became numb zombie parents - now our children never lacked nor were they mistreated or not cared for.  We were super-parents - or so we thought.  My daughter who was just about 3 at the time still was not potty trained and still had a pacy.  BUT, I wasn't worried, no, all I concerned myself with was getting enough pills to make it through__________________(fill in the blank with anything.  ie, work, a meeting, my parents, his parents, his boss, a late night etc..)  At this time we still lived in TN and one daughter was still in school and I had only the baby at home.  AND at this time we were still just chewing the pills.  THen my dear sweet hubby, showed me that snorting them would bring it all faster and better.  I WAS MORTIFIED>  my nose is sacred, I said.  Maybe you in your yucky coke days could do that, but never me - sorry dude, your on your own - and then I tried it.  HOOKED @ FIRST snort.  after that all went to the ***ter.  Hubby lost his very lucrative (obviously) job, pawned many things to continue to support our ever growing habbit, and could no longer pay the bills.  I worked as a social worker part time - and big bucks - that is not.  SO, we moved home, in w/ his parents and continued to snort - got to about 500mg a day for me, a little less for him.  Finally in January, I came upon this site and someone was talking about suboxone.  I had never gone more than a day without and knew physical w/d were not my cup of tea.  lol lol   so, I looked into it, convinced my hubby, and we went in on a monday and the rest,as they say, is history.  It has been  awesome for us - however, we were at the point where only a true miracle would work - and it did.  I do know that Suboxone is still an opiate - however, I can tell it's different b/c of the way I feel and I know my lifestyle is different.  While we now live w/ my mom, hubby is now working and will be back in the industry w/in the next few months and I am looking to teach again - maybe...lolol  We are now motivated, positive, effective, good parents, role models, etc.  All the things parents should be for their children and it feels very good to be here now!!  It has been a long hard road - but one I guess I needed to see how bad it could be.  Im happy to say that my 3 1/2 year old is now potty trained and basically over the pacy thing - though she still manipulates every now and then (she is her mommy's child) and all is moving upwards now.  
So, I know that was so long, but I wanted to tell you all of that so you would understand that we were the "normalist" of normal.  A special ed teacher and a district sales manager with 2 kids and a dog.  A great income and little debt and in a matter of months, that ALL changed so quickly and drastically - it will make your head spin.  It does mine.  STILL.

so, whatever you have to do  ---- DO IT!!  Quit now and don't look back or I can at least promise you this - you will one day regret it.  I know it is SOOO hard, and it sux, and w/d are the absolute worst.  they say flu like, but it's much worse and we all know that.  I think it has to do with knowing one pill could fix it all.  THE MENTAL ASPECT will KICK YOUR **S!!  I could have talked myself into w/d after not having a pill for a few hours.  You are stronger than me - just about anyone would be so please make the right choice and remember you are already one day into this.  Only a couple more and you licked it!!  Fake a bug and lie in bed if you can and pamper the hell out of yourself when it's over - u will deserve it,  

i will be here if u need me.  And you will be in my thoughts and prayers.I hope this helps in some way!!  Have a good day and stay strong.

sincerely, Tracy

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