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Can my wife forgive my opiate addiction and stay married?
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Can my wife forgive my opiate addiction and stay married?

Less than 1 month ago, I was living with my wife & teenage girls in a beautiful suburban home then came clean that I was addicted to pain killers (percs etc).  Started w/ foot injury then back then recreational then realized I could not just stop and tried withdrawing but it was too obvious.  Even my dog knew I was on drugs.  The previous 24 months I was using without realizing I was becoming addicted.  I spent ove 15k per year (guessing) and we are in a finacial mess (not 100% from drug use).  Once I was outed, she said "leave the house and don't come back til your clean".  Well I did, I am and now show wont let me back.  I did a 48 hour in house detox which worked wonders.  Had an epipheny in there and saw the light.  No in a 30 day out patient which is incredibly helpful and attending AA & NA meeting regularly.  In our 21 years of marriage, I never had any addiction issues.  I did however have an affair 12 years ago which nearly killed us.  She filed and I was out of the house for 9 months before deciding we both still loved each other and wanted to work it out.  Counseling saved our marriage.  We had a loving, caring relationship.  Live a great life for the most part!  Tons of friend and family, active in community, lived comfortably until the economy crashed and my business was cut by 75%.  Credit goes bad, spent through savings then develop an opiate addiction (WTF? right?).  Well, she filed again after 2 weeks out and not sure she is willing to reconcile this time.  I am devestated because our relationship was awesome!  Great times, great kids, great sex!  BAM! Once she heard about the drugs, she is filed divorce, order to vacate marital house and is ANGRY like I've never seen her.  I am having a REALLY hard time doing recovery without ANY support from my loved ones.  I am trying to run a business and have daily heart attacks at the thought of us never being together again.  I am devestated but also VERY hurt that she decided to act SO quickly and provide me with ZERO support during a VERY difficutlt time for me.  I did not murder anyone!  I got a disease - called addiction!  She should know about it, it not only runs in her family like crazy but she herself is addicted to alcohol but we can't discuss that!  It's too personal.  She's functional but nothing is said about the 100k she spent over the past 10 years on her "legal" drugs (tabacco an alcohol).  It ***** that SHE can just decide "I'M DONE" and not give ANY consideration for our past 21 years or the future of our kids.  I am confident we can overcome ANYTHING cause I am CRAZY in love with her but starting to realize she very well might just be done!  Not wanting to married to me anymore!  DO I HAVE A CHANCE?  AN ARGUMENT HERE??
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1235186_tn?1339127464
hello and welcome. yes your marriage can be saved. i have been married for 22 years. my husband was an addict before we married. he had been clean for 11 years. he relapsed in our 6th year of our marriage, used off and on for years, we have 4 children, he hid it very well. the last years not so good, he wasnt in control, the addiction was. after some years of his relapse, he denied his use, didnt stop, our marriage,finances,children, were a mess. at first i was supportive, then secretly wished he would die to end the insanity. finally he went to rehab after 10 years. all those years i hoped and prayed he would stop. i never worked outside the home, didnt want to uproot my children, tried to protect our family, hid the secret, didnt want a broken home (divorce) but it was broken. when he went to rehab i was so broken,emotionally,spiritually,mentally and physically, my kids all were a mess, my 2 oldest also were using. i then filed for divorce.
well i can say 2 1/2 years into his recovery, we are still married, our family is healing. we counseled with our pastor, i went to alanon. i prayed and prayed, i wanted to keep our family together. i had alot of bitterness and unforgiveness. i blamed him for my 2 children using.
your wife is angry right now. i get that, she knew you were taking them for an injury, well then it got out of hand. you were already served the divorce papers? she didnt waste any time, did she?
please dont let your recovery suffer because of this. you need to stay focused on your recovery. it would be great to have her support, but you dont right now. stay on the recovery road. your sobriety is the most important thing right now. i hope and pray everything else will fall into place.
she wont talk to you now? she denys her addiction?
you will both need to put alot of work into saving your marriage.
time does heal.
i am a big believer in prayer. do you have a clergy or pastor you could speak with?
sending hope,prayers,support and encouragement,
debbie
17 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
First and foremost Welcome! Your story is all too familiar with so many of us, and sounds like your dealing with alot! Congratulations, on being clean and sober! My opinion, I felt like taking pills, was like having an affair, they affect every relationship we have, during the "love affair" with opiates, we pay so much attention to needing, getting, lying and the sin goes on and on, til we are broken, in every way.. They take over our lives.

Sounds, also like your wife has issues of her own that need to be addressed, alcoholism, is just as painful if not more so (my opinion), than narcotics, it is so easily available, and society doesn't frown on it, like a pill popper.. I think you all definately need counseling, IF you both want to save your marriage.. Just realize it takes two, to make it, and two to break it, one alone cannot carry the load... I'm not sure I've said anything to help, but your not alone, and we do care... My very best to you both! And you'll be in my prayers!
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2083449_tn?1381358308
Hi Rex and welcome! I'm just gonna give you my thoughts here. You had an affair 12 years ago, and now you have a pill addiction. Maybe just maybe she is feeling that you are choosing something else (first another woman and now pills) over her and your marriage! She is obviously hurt right now! You need to give her as much time as she needs! Also prove to her that you are clean and will stay that way! I am a true Pollyanna and I believe that loves conquers all! I hope that this works out for you! Stay strong, continue to love her above all else! Best wishes!
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Avatar_m_tn
Rex.I wish i have an advice for you but i dont.I dont even know what to do if my wife throws me out of the house! But i can wish you all the best and hope things work out for you.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
hello and welcome. yes your marriage can be saved. i have been married for 22 years. my husband was an addict before we married. he had been clean for 11 years. he relapsed in our 6th year of our marriage, used off and on for years, we have 4 children, he hid it very well. the last years not so good, he wasnt in control, the addiction was. after some years of his relapse, he denied his use, didnt stop, our marriage,finances,children, were a mess. at first i was supportive, then secretly wished he would die to end the insanity. finally he went to rehab after 10 years. all those years i hoped and prayed he would stop. i never worked outside the home, didnt want to uproot my children, tried to protect our family, hid the secret, didnt want a broken home (divorce) but it was broken. when he went to rehab i was so broken,emotionally,spiritually,mentally and physically, my kids all were a mess, my 2 oldest also were using. i then filed for divorce.
well i can say 2 1/2 years into his recovery, we are still married, our family is healing. we counseled with our pastor, i went to alanon. i prayed and prayed, i wanted to keep our family together. i had alot of bitterness and unforgiveness. i blamed him for my 2 children using.
your wife is angry right now. i get that, she knew you were taking them for an injury, well then it got out of hand. you were already served the divorce papers? she didnt waste any time, did she?
please dont let your recovery suffer because of this. you need to stay focused on your recovery. it would be great to have her support, but you dont right now. stay on the recovery road. your sobriety is the most important thing right now. i hope and pray everything else will fall into place.
she wont talk to you now? she denys her addiction?
you will both need to put alot of work into saving your marriage.
time does heal.
i am a big believer in prayer. do you have a clergy or pastor you could speak with?
sending hope,prayers,support and encouragement,
debbie
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Avatar_m_tn
I can see you are struggling to hold things together and I want you to know that there is help out there. I have been through similar situations with my current girlfriend to the point where I thought there was no way around the problems we had. I was at the maximum level of desperation to save my relationship with her. I stumbled upon a source (that I will leave for you) that has opened up my mind to what I really needed to do to salvage my girlfriend back into my life and we have never been happier. I feel as if this source will do the same for you. I wish you and your partner best of luck in getting back on track.

http://relationshipsforum.org
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Avatar_m_tn
That was beautiful!  Was an eloquant response!  I could use all the support and pray I can right now.  I am earnestly praying twice a day and find strenght in that
TY for your comments
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Avatar_m_tn
A higher power?
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi!  I am a wife of a recovering opiate addict.  To give you a little background on my history my husband and I are in our early 30s and both successful.  We have a 6 year old little boy that is very well rounded and bright.  

We have been fighting this disease for 5 of our son's 6 years.  I am a college graduate, and hold an important position at a Fortune 500 company.  My husband is a stud, Division I,  college baseball player that should have gone pro, but due to a relationship he finished his baseball career after college.  He earned an athletic scholarship that payed his entire college tuition.  His younger brother made it to the MLB.   In my opinion, the premature exit from baseball contributes to my husband's drug use and abuse.  I also have close family members that have made their way to the MLB over the past 7 decades.  We are well educated and excel in athletics.  

This disease does not discriminate....it destroys everyone the same.

At this moment this disease has almost cost me MY job along with our home.  My husband was taking so much from our account this most recent "relapse", on top of all the money he has taken over the past 5 years.  We are talking 10s of 1000s of dollars that I earned for our family.  The resentment anf disappoinment that come with this type of betrayal are deep and very real.  It's not really about the money as much as it is about the lies and deceit that comes with this addiction.  We love our husbands and we love the father of our children....WE DO NOT LOVE THE MEN that this addiction turns you in to.  

I love my husband more that words can express and I dont want to be without him.  However, I love myself and my little boy more.  I WILL protect myself and my son from any further damage my husband could cause if he were to choose to use again.  

I will pray for you and your wife if you pray for us.  Our stories sound so alike....you are not alone.  Take care...Jenna


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Avatar_m_tn
Jendax- You and your husband sound like me and my wife.. I have screwed up so bad and relapsed after almost a year out of rehab from opiates. I lied to my wife and hid it. Even when she caught me I lied more and buried myself even deeper.. I love her so much and she loves me too but the person I become when I use is someone she hates. By the way you talk I know she feels like you. She it betrayed and is so afraid that if she stays with me it will happen again and that she will just have to leave. we also dont have kids and now she is afraid she could never have kids with me. This all happened 10 days ago. She talks with me and loves me but is devasted. I try to make it as easy for her as I can. I am letting her stay at the house and I am on my sisters couch, I will give her all the money she needs, I left the dogs with her because she loves them so much. I work on the house when she is at work. I am attending AA meetings again, have been clean for 10 days, have seen 1 councelor, am seeing another councelor as well as a non-traditional therapist (rapid eye therapy) and am working with my sponsor and praying. I changed my cell phone number and and trying to become JUST the person I really and and want to kill the person I become when I decide to use. She is the most amazing woman in the world and I cannot imagine not having her in my life. At this moment she has agreed to wait at least 90 days before we gfile a divorce. We are going to splt all of our cash assets but leave retiirement accounts and equity in our real estate investment alone until we actually file. I asked her if there was any chance to save our marriage and she said "at the moment it does not look like we can".. That sounded bad to my family but to me that means there is a chance and I have to finally do everything and anything in my power to become the person that I want to be and to become that person 100% of the time. I need to build a safety net and a netowrk of people who can help me in case I start to head in the wrong direction and make sure I never use again. My additction has ruined my life! I have money and great businesses but I would trade/give away all of it right now if my wife would just forgive me and let me have another chance. I also know that if I get another chance I need to make sure I dont mess it up which means I have a lot of work to do within the next 90 days to get myself to a point where I actually deserve a chance if she is willing to give me one... I am sorry to all of you if I just hijacked this thread but I am seeking help any way I can get it. My heart is broken and I am getting throught efinal stages of withdraws.. IT is so hard for me to just even get through a day and if I think about anthing other than today I get a panic attack. I do thank god that my wife is somehow able to be civil and somewhat nice to me right now even after I destroyed her, broke her heart and beytrayed her.... Anything anyone post that can help me as well would be huge. I am not sure if I should leave my wife alone for a while or if I should be begging or something to get her back. I am willing to wait a year if she needed me to, or anything at all, to have a chance to save my marriage. Other than my addiction her and I have something truly unique and amazing that I dont ever want to replace or go without.. In fact, I dont think it is replaceable.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi!  I have been married to an opiate addict for almost 12yrs and it has almost destroyed me.  I know how your wife is feeling right now.  When you are an addict the devastation you cause with repeated lies, deceit, and betrayal mortally wound the marriage.  Marriage cannot be successful when you bring in a "Mistress" which is the addiction.  Your wife can't compete with that.  To give you a little bit of history on me: Me and my husband are both in our early 30's, we have 2 boys 11 & 6.  I have tried to keep my husbands addiction a secret.  He started using when I became pregnant with our second child due to a back injury.  He had a good paying job...but once the addiction took over he lost it.  He had 2 affairs on me during my pregnancy and left me in the hospital to give birth to our 2nd son alone.  I kicked him out of our house after I got home from the hospital and 1 month later he asked me if we could work it out.  I agreed.  He stayed clean for about 8-9months then relapsed again and ever since then it has been one relapse after another.  He has lied to me sooo much that I don't even believe him when he says, "I love you."  His addiction has taken my self esteem to an all time low!  I hold so much bitterness and resentment towards him for the emotional AGONY he has put me through.  The anger I feel towards him at times (especially after another relapse) is borderline hatred.  He has withdrawn so much money from our account to support his habit, which comes and goes in binges, that financially we have almost lost everything.  We had to file bankruptcy and we are still paying for the decisions he made to use.  I think I love him...I don't know anymore.  His most recent relapse was about a week an a half ago.  It enrages me when I uncover, yet another, lie.  I have treated him the way I wish he would treat me.  It all feels so unfair.  I struggle with forgiveness, bitterness, and resentment.  I have loved this man so much, that is why I have stayed.  I want my marriage to work because I love him and because I want my family to stay a family.  Recently, I gave him an ultimatum and told him if he does not deal withthe pain that is the driving force of the addiction, I am leaving.  I just do not have the strength to keep dealing with someone who puts forth no effort to get better.  The trust in our marriage is GONE, intimacy is GONE, security is GONE, transparency is GONE, honesty is GONE, and love is hanging on by a thread.  My best advice to you is to let your actions speak for you.  Your words, by lying to your wife, have proved to hold no weight or credibility with her anymore.  Now your new best friend is action.  And you need to take it now.  Go to counseling not just for your marriage, but most importantly for YOU!  If you do it for any other reason that yourself...it won't last.  If you don't deal with the root cause of the addiction (and everybody has one...and it's always emotional pain) whether it be from your childhood, past failures/mistakes, depression, past hurts, etc., etc....you will always be tempted to use.  Sobriety should be your main focus right now.  Because until you are a better person, you can't be a better person to ANYONE else.  Addiction affects every relationship you have.  At this point the only thing you can do to save your marriage is to show your wife that your are serious about changing.  That will speak more to her than your words ever will.  I know it would for me!  My husband comes from a LONG LINE of addicts of every shape and variety on both sides.  He grew up in a alcoholic family and so did both of his parents.  He has had no healthy display of what a healthy relationship looks like.  He has no point of reference as to what love really is.  He has had unhealthy relationships his whole life.  Denial is my husbands and his family's best friend.  They deal with things by acting like it's not happening/ignoring it.  Word to the wise, don't do the methadone program...my husband did this for 5 months and when he got off of it..the withdraws were 1000 more severe that pain pills.  And because he didn't deal with the root cause of the addiction...he relapsed a month later.  I am at my breaking point...this has been going on for 7 long, painful, heartbreaking years.  Everytime a seed of trust begins to grow-BAM! another relapse.  These opiates have become his go to for coping in ALL things.  He says he loves me more than pills...and I find that impossible to believe due to the fact that he continually chooses them over me.  I feel like I don't matter to him anymore...even though he says differently.  Actions always speak louder than words...and his words stopped holding meaning a long time ago.  Sobriety is a journey one step at a time, it's not a rest on the couch.  You and your wife didn't get this way over night and it won't go away over night.  I pray you can get sober and save your marriage.  I believe God can breathe new life into anything, but first we have to be willing to let Him.  
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5099381_tn?1363835485
Thank God for forums like this, and thank you for your insight. I am 23, have been married to my 29 year old husband for 1 year, and am 8 months pregnant with his child. He also has an 8 year old boy from a previous marriage, and I have a 2 year old daughter. When I met/married him, I had absolutely no idea that he was an addict or struggled with addiction. However, after the past year, in hindsight all of the signs are all so very clear. My husband has truly shattered any trust or security that I had with him. My daughter was only 9 months old when I made the decision to relocate 8 hours away from my family and move in with him and his boy. We married just shortly after that. I took a huge leap of faith by entrusting him with not only mine, but my daughter's lives and I do admit that I should not have acted so hastily, but we were (are?) deeply in love. I followed my heart, and I trusted him. As time went on, I uncovered lie after lie about what he was up to, things he was hiding, where money and my belongings were disappearing to, etc. I am an analytical person by nature and the fact that it even took me as long as it did to uncover what was really going on is surprising. Anyway... his addiction has altered my perception of him so much so that I question whether I've ever truly known/loved HIM, or if his addicted/manipulative self just painted a perfectly untrue picture for me to fall in love with. When I found old messages between him and friends and females from before we met (yes I know that's incredibly snoopy but after so many lies and feeling like I didn't know the man at all, I had to dig for the truth), I was shocked at the way in which he conducted himself. The expression of his love for drugs, his unadulterated admittance about his use and the sexist remarks toward/against women, how he'd neglect his boy to go out and use....... I was utterly shocked. This coming from a man who, as far as I knew, was a devout Christian, one who honored and respected women, who was strictly monogamous and loved children and so on. I'm sorry to digress, just trying to paint a very generalized picture here.. Anyway, I truly cherish and honor the sanctity of our marriage. I absolutely love him, he absolutely loves me. I'm convinced that he is a wonderful man inside but I question whether or not he married me because he was subconsciously hoping that I could be the person or thing to save him from himself. He is very co-dependent and self-destructive. His late father was an addict and alcoholic, and his mother was an enabler. My late father was also an addict and alcoholic, and my mother used to be an alcoholic as well. We both have seen the horrible tole that addiction can take and have always bonded over our similar experiences. I try to factor this into understanding his struggle, but find it extremely difficult when I grew up with the same thing and yet do not have addictive traits myself. I am going to have this baby soon and I have recently left our house with my daughter and am now staying at my mother's. He has been unable to drive due to his license being revoked and relied on me for literally everything - driving him to pick up prescriptions, taking him to work detail to work off his court fees. He's been unemployed for the majority of our marriage. The only income we have keeping us afloat is his son's Social Security, for which I am the payee, and my mom's generosity. Our mortgage hasn't been paid in months, we are passed due on all of our bills, my gold has been stolen, he's taken hundreds of dollars of cash back from my debit card, as he has no income or debit card of his own. When he did get a job, he got multiple payday loans which were never paid off, he sold his truck and got $15,000 which I NEVER saw a single dime of. Before I was the payee or had any involvement with the finances I cannot tell you how many times our heat, electricity, water, and power had been turned off because he used the money elsewhere. He even had a bout with CPS shortly after I had moved in because he had allowed his son to miss so much school. SO MANY RED FLAGS!!! NOW I am about to bring another child into the world and I CANNOT do it under such questionable circumstances. I had been feeling the urge to fight or flight for so long, and after attending drug counseling with him and uncovering the fact that he was continuing to lie and manipulate me, I feel as though it's too late in the game to give him any more chances. I still want our marriage to work but the uncertainty and his inability to provide as a husband and father has left me no choice but to take my daughter and my unborn child and high tail it out of there. And believe you me, if his son were biologically mine or I had legal guardianship, he'd be right here with me. I am completely torn. He guilt trips me for "abandoning" him and his son, when it's really out of my power. He loves me and calls me mom, and I love him and call him son. My daughter call's my husband Dada and is always asking where her brother is... I feel like I'm being forced to choose the lesser of two evils - either stay there in that home and risk losing EVERYTHING and jeopardizing the children's well-being, or leave my husband and his boy to protect my daughter and unborn child. Am I a horrible person? What is someone in my position SUPPOSED to do?? I can't say that risking the children is the wise thing to do and absolutely refuse to raise a newborn in a home where I have absolutely no trust, safety or security. I really thought I'd be able to write a quick response but I guess my story kind of took over.. I've been at my mom's for about a week and we are going back to my old home with a moving truck to get the rest of my things in two days... I've given him an ultimatum of get clean or no me.. he knows where I stand, but doesn't know how serious I am this time... doesn't even know that I'll be arriving at his house with a moving truck in 2 days. I've left before, but caved under fear and guilt. I am now too pregnant to waste time. I've got to act. Please someone tell me, am I a horrible person or is there any justifiable logic to what I am doing??
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5099381_tn?1363835485
^^^ Sorry for my post up there, I literally just came across this site and created an account. I got a little overzealous with my expression and kind of deviated from the main poster's topic. I just re-posted what I said somewhere else and created my own thread. I'd delete the one up there but I don't know how/if I can do that. My apologies for not quite understanding how to use the forum just yet. Please do not report :-/
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm not a marriage expert lol my husband n I have been together for 8yrs n married for 5 yrs n nov.. we both are addicts. My husband went to jail for 4mths befre they started treating addicts in jail so he went cold turkey n never looked back when he got out..my journey has been rougher but I'm thankful my husband knws n understands wds n detoxing I'm 9 days off methadone. ..and its an uphill battle everyday...the only thing I can think of is ask your wife to attend aa/na with you as well as asking your counselor at your outpatient rehab if you could bring your wife in maybe if she can understand a bit more she may be willing to try again.. i ne thing I have learned is nothing will happen overnight it takes time to rebuild bridges we have burned by lying, cheating,  or whatever else we may have done stay strong....I believe everything happens for a reason we may not understand the reasoning right away but one day you will get up n say wow if this didn't happen I wouldn't b where I am now.....we might not like the outcome but its u p to us to choose how we let it affect us...I wish u the best luck in your journey. ...
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Avatar_m_tn
I have read the comments on this thread and I have to say that I am unfortunatley going through the same things. I injured my back a few years ago just after my wife and I started dating. I fractured a vertbrate in three places and have a bulged disk just above that. I have taken the pain killer Tramadol on and off for a while since this accident. When I wasn't able to get a prescription I got some of the same from who used to be a friend. I haven't spoke or seen him in a long time. I then finally was able to get a persciption for it and I have become dependant on it to releive the pain. It doesn't make me high but it takes the pain away and without it the pain becomes so bad to do anything. I don't like taking them. I told my wife before that my back was hurting allot and she never really said anything. I hid this from her and when she would ask something I would lie to her. It got to be to much. I feel like crap from lying to her. I know she derserves much more. This all came to a head recently when I ran out of my prescription a few days early and took some from a family member. When I got caught I was threatened with divorce and lied because I was scared. My lies came out in the open. Now she told me that she doesn't know if she loves me anymore, doesn't know if she wants to be with me and is thinking of a divorce. I love this woman more than life itself and I don't want to live without her. I would do anything to fix our marriage and change. She has not been very supportive to me which makes things allot worse. But I guess what do I expect. She says that I chose the pills over her which I wish she could see that I am in pain and I took them not to be in pain. I didn't even get a high feeling from them, I was just relieved of my pain. She says that I must not love her for doing this, but she doesn't see how much I do love her. I pray several times every day that this will work out and that she will decide to stay with me and let us work on things. I do not want to lose my wife she means everything to me, without her I am a nothing. I'm sorry for taking over this thread with my own problems. I am going to a counselor next week it was the earliest I could get in. I haven't taken any of the pain med since this has all happened.I ask for prayers. Can I save my marraige?

Thanks everyone for listening to me go on and on.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi there, I'm sorry to say this but it sounds as if your wife is extremely selfish and uncaring. You have been taking Tramadol because you have been in pain, which you are completely entitled to do. If she had any ounce of compassion she would be able to see this, after all, it is you in pain, not her! What does she mean when she says that you have chosen the pills over her? Does she mean that you should prove your love to her by enduring physical agony every day. I know a fair bit about painkillers, being an actual addict myself (which you aren't, as you are using them legitimately for pain) and Tramadol is not a drug that can get you 'high' as there is very little feel-good factor about the effects. It is also hard to abuse the drug for this very reason and if you are taking more than the recommended dose then you should speak to your doctor, as it is clearly not strong enough for you level of pain!
I do not know whether your wife will be reasonable about this, so cannot predict whether you can save your marriage. However, given her selfish attitude, I firmly believe you would be better off divorcing her and finding somebody else who is a more loving and caring person! I really wish you all the best and hope that one day you regain your life and find relief from this dreadful pain!
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Avatar_m_tn
Stay strong brother! you can do it!
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8829133_tn?1400871513
I hope you are doing okay.  I am still new here, but I do hope you feel the support here.  You have had wonderful advice from both wives of addicts and men.  The one thing for sure is -  you have a 21 yr history with your wife.  She really does not WANT to throw all that away anymore than you do.  Trust takes a lifetime to build and only minutes to destroy.  get to building that trust again.  Even if the divorce goes through, keep working on you and you may remarrying her again someday.  focus on getting you better.  No matter how much pain someone is in, if they are having to supplement their pills by getting them off the street, they have a problem. wish you the best of luck
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