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Avatar universal

Can not see a happy future

I need help from this forum. I need to vent and I do need to hear from people who have been where I am or going through it with me. I also want to thank those of you who have offered your support. I know you are all right in what you say and one day I hope to be able to share my success story too. Right now I am finding myself completely irrational. I went for a walk today with 2 of my 5 sons and actually found myself thinking wow wouldn't it be great if someone who is sick of Oxy threw there medication out the window and it is here on the side of the road someplace? You know, sort of how we wish we could find that bag of money someone forgot they hid behind a rock in the back yard. Yes, it sounds crazy but thats how much I am fighting my brain. I have been asked if I have looked into any after care. No, I have not. I can hardly tell you my thoughts and frights. I feel even more stress thinking about talking to people face to face. My husband has always supported me and loved me, and most of all been very patient with me all these years.  Some how he never made me feel judged (I do that enough myself) or bad or even selfish. But I KNEW he was praying and waiting for ME to be ready to stop taking the medication. I don't think he thinks of me as an addict but rather dependent. I however have come to the conclusion that I must be an addict as month after month I run out of my med. way to fast. I went through a whole script in one week! I should be dead. My last withdrawal was last month. I went 2 weeks with no meds. and then was the first person in line at the pharmacy the day I could refill. I can't tell you how many times I have gone through withdrawal because of going through my med. to fast. The difference this time is I told my doctor I wanted to be discharged as his patient as I no longer need to see a pain specialist or refills for pain medication. Sometimes I get so scared that that was a mistake and I have now destined myself to a life of pain. Strangely enough and to my surprise the medical condition I was taking the Oxy for is NOT were my pain is. It is every where else, but not where it was when I started taking this medication. I am so afraid of pain. Even my teeth hurt! I know that sounds funny but apparently the Oxy masked a cavity or 5. After reading so many addicts stories both of recovery and relapse, I think knowing that this is going to hurt for a very long time and be with me forever is so scary. What do I do if one day I do need pain medication for a legitimate reason? Will this start all over? I can not remember life before Oxy, so I can not see beyond how I feel right now. I felt much better when the medication was in me. I also felt safer somehow because I always knew how I felt on pain meds. as opposed to this uncertainty  day after day. 10 1/2 days! It feels like months! I guess It's a good thing I told the doctor I was done when I did, because I am so weak right now, I know I would be so tempted to be first in line for a refill again.  
5 Responses
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Pills give us a false sense of security.  Everything you think they did for you was a lie,  There is nothing glamorous about this addiction.  We have death to look forward to if we continue and NOONE is exempt from this.  Using is just a symptom of addiction.  Check into some aftercare and get going with that.  There is a life out here with your name on it.  You can do it~
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Just a quick PS and BTW...
The two posts from IBKleen and Gnarly are wonderful. They are true veterans here and have been clean for many years. They have tried to help me so many times I've been here. But like they said..YOU have to want it bad, like I do now. I'm 55 years old and don't want to live the rest of my years in that drug induced state. Running from Dr. to Dr. to anywhere to get those damn pills. I want to live again, really live! Enjoy everything good this life has to give. You gotta want it. Do you want it? It's up to you. You're almost there.
Kat
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there girl,
I know exactly how you feel. I have been trying to get off oxy's for years. I had legitimate pain too, surgery 8 months ago, but I can't use those for excuses anymore. My Dr. said I don't need the meds anymore, and she cut me off after two months. Then I was accepted at a pain mgmt. clinic which was 2 hours from my house. I really stood back and looked at myself and said, Really? Are you going to commute 4 hours a month to get a RX that I will inhale in 2 days? I ate them like candy. Sure I loved the way I felt, nothing at all. It dulled my pain, but that was BS. I was taking them, running out too soon, the same as you, got sick when I didn't have them. I just said to myself, Enough is Enough now. I can't live my life this way anymore. I want to feel things. I want to laugh again, sing again. All the things I never did when I was numb. I was a zombie. So I can relate to what you're going through now.
It's all normal. And you're on day 11, you can't stop now. You're almost there. Just take it 1 day at time. One minute, one hour. Don't put all that pressure on yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing great. I'm on day 20 today, and I feel great!!  Those w/d symptoms will be gone in no time now. Your brain will become clearer, and you'll find you don't have as much pain as you did on the pills. You'll be fine. Hang in there. You can do this!! If you need me, just write me a message, and I will get right back to you ok? Everything you're feeling is normal, and it will be gone in no time!!! You've come so far...don't quit now!
Kat
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Avatar universal
Hi  well you have been given great advise  IBKleen is one of our wisest and veteran members and knows her stuff  I agree with everything she said   this is a brain thing not a pill thing  we use the pills to fill the void in our lives....with that said the only way to get past this is to treat the addict that is alive and well in your head  I have tried most aftercare the pastor of my church a substance abuse counselor even a shrink ...all helped but I dident find recovery until I hit the rooms of N/A and I recamend this program to everyone it is a simple 12 step progam that with time you will loose the desire to use   it is the only progam I know of that can do that  the meetings are only a hour long and you can share with people that understand this disease  it is time for you to get out of your comfort zone and reach out for help Google N/A meetings in your area keep posting for support...........Gnarly
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Do yourself a favor...BREATHE. Try and relax. You Are taking on the whole world at once and trying to predict the future. What if? What if? You need to get back into the here and now and take it one step at a time..baby steps if need be. I am sorry I have not read your past post but it seems that you have 10-1/2 days clean? If so, that is awesome!!!

So I gather you were taking them for pain and the pain is still there now? You need to give it some time before you are able to really assess your pain level and I will bet the bank that it is not as bad as you think. It will take time before you can really get a good reading. BTW, you will learn to hate the word "time". As addicts we want what we want and we want it now.

You are not alone. Your story is like so many others. That is the life of addiction. I started using when I was 13, I am 62 now and have 7-1/2 years clean. Do the math. I spent way too many years as an active IV Heroin user. I detoxed so many times until I finally got clean. Then I had an accident and got on pain meds. I was off and running. Just like you I would eat that script up in one week and suffer for the next three. I was knocking people over in line to get my script. Calling it in early in hopes I could got it a few days earlier. This was back when you could get refills. Back in the 80's I even had my boss calling in refills acting as my doctor. I dad some crazy stuff for those pills. Every time it was a dead end road. I was chasing that first high and I never found it again.

Hun, you need to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. You need to hit a bottom and sometimes it is something that is enormous. I think your hubby is probably a great guy but if he is supporting you through this insanity then he is simply enabling you. There are no consequences for your actions right now so why should you stop, right? It's a merry-go-round with no gold ring and it just keeps on going round and round.

YOU have to want to stop this madness. YOU have to see that it is a dead end. And why do we suggest aftercare? Because it works. Because the problem is not the drugs. the problem is YOU. You need to get to the core issues and learn new skills. You need to learn coping skills so that you don't reach for that bottle when things are had. You need to learn life skills and you need to learn relapse prevention skills. All of this comes with aftercare. You can't do it alone. You don't have the tools.

Coming here is great and I am glad you did but you need some one on one and a group that knows exactly what youa re going through. They will guide you. I hope and pray that that light bulb goes off in your head and you realize you are going nowhere and wasting your life. In the meantime, please keep posting. It does help.
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495284 tn?1333894042
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