The past few months I've been taking lots of vicodins, smoking a little opium, even downing cough syrup. I was a heroin junkie as a teen and managed for years to transcend my addiction. Really...I didn't crave...after rehab that didn't work...TM and a healthier life took me through to the other side. But I've fell in my 30's to vicodin after a car accident....got through...did the 12 Step, which I dislike intensely, and stayed clean a bunch of years till a few years ago when one of my clients (I'm an accountant) turned me on to smoking opium. I've been up & down now for a few years. I'm clean today, in my 3rd day. I'm fighting for my energy. Not having energy is like being dead. I hate it. I started meditating again & taking lots of good supplements. I'm craving badly. I'm determined to get off this!!!
Welcome to the forum and congrats on 3 days clean. It sounds like you are no stranger to addiction so you know what you have to do to stay clean this time. Would you be willing to go back to N/A? If you did not like it, but it worked I would suggest going back or finding some time of support group and this forum is a good start. Even after a lot of clean time, without any aftercare it is so easy to fall back to our addict behaviour and forget what we fought so hard to get back.
Stay strong and fight through this craving, get busy and do whatever it takes to not use TODAY. If you look in the top right, you will see health pages. In there is the thomas recipe and the amino acid protocal which can help a lot. Wishing you the best in yourrecovery and keep posting. To answer your top question, if I am using I am NEVER in control.
I've quit and started pills (fiorcet) off and on for the past 10 years - mostly on them. I am at 40 days now and I do think our minds control a lot of our addictions. Like someone said, I think finding a support group of some kind will help - I haven't done that either. I tried NA a long time ago and didn't like it either. I didn't give it a fair shake and should have tried another group.
I hate having no energy either - it is getting better though. I think just posting here when you feel like you want to use helps too - congrats on day 3. I didn't used to count days, now I do. It helps me remember how far I've come.
Feel free to PM me ANYTIME. I know now that I'll never "get over" being an addict, I just want to re-learn how to live my life without using drugs to make me happy.
I so agree the mental is tough, we all know that by now.! After getting through detox and knowing YOU did it, that's such a good feeling....... The memories come and try their best,,,,,,,,,, raise hell,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and then start to shut the hell up Whew! thank goodness that it gets better, I'm better. I now can say that I can take it or leave it but leaving it means so much more to me. Mental has to mean more.....ya know?Mental can be strong,determined and courageous. What the hell would I want bondage,slavery,low-esteem? Why,when feeling positive,effective and proud? I did this for me! To be free in a way that very few people will be able to understand unless they have taken the road less traveled that leads to nowhere. I honestly believe that unless someone has been addicted to drugs, any drug, they will never be able to truly understand what a person goes through to be clean. They can empathize, and try to see it, but living it.... that's where we understand the real mental.
My heart goes out to you, I will pray that you will be okay and pull through, YOU CAN do this!
Thank you for your good words everybody...Day 4. I still have zero energy. It's extra hard when I know I can get a refill of my vicodin so easy (and mind you I pay more because I'm convinced non-generic is a little better). I can't do NA because I don't want to live in fear and constant consciousness of my addiction. But I know I have to be super vigilant, that being a slave to opiates is an illusion I need to be bigger than, because I live a really wonderful life and this is so crazy...even though I'm convinced opiates give me energy, they make me edgy, grumpy, not centered right. It's amazing to read so many similar stories. I'm off to the New Orleans JazzFest for a few days, with no drugs, no refills, no connections there, and my husband who's clueless to my current falling. I'll come back 8 days clean.
Hi, like u on off for 6 years, doctor prescribd for RA and fibrom. I'm on day 7 without oxyc. I was ablbe to wean myself off oxyc, I'm using codein to control WD, I have 0 energy, for 6 years I got my energy, motivation, etc from oxyc, .Oxyc ruled and controled my life all these years, is a priswon the worst bondage ever. Hang in there, I too can my oxyc but what for? To run out of oxy before refill time, put my family thru hell. spend days suffering w/ WD, is always like that, u think of oxyc 12 by 7 because it controls your life. Like u my poor husband...U have to go on health pages, do the amino acid protocol, seems like u don't have any WD, u r super lucky!!! Get energy from red bull, pepsi max, guarana, 5hour energy drink, that's what I do. Please do the amino protocol.Let me know how u r doing, remember, without God, is impossible
I mean that NA was about always remembering I was an addict. To live in fear of the drugs every day. I want to be normal and NOT live in fear. I've been there. For 12 years, I transcended my addiction. After being a teenage heroin addict, then, methadone, then, I meditated and drank a little, smoked a little pot, and never looked in people's medicine cabinets for 12 years, till in my 30's I got in a car accident and hooked on vicodin. I went to NA but...I don't want to live completely straight & sober. I like a little wine - not everyday...I just want to live more normal and not use opiates. I'm 10 days off opiates today. By the way...I lived in Brasil for years...
What is amino acid protocol? I have Hep C. I'm sure that makes my energy worse...but I know I've been on opiates for months now and it takes awhile to get back to who I am. I'm being very strong and determined and need the sun to come out. I know I can get a refill of vicodin so easy, but I use it so fast, and it's stupid...it's an illusion...it only feels good a little while, then I think I need more just to feel normal. It's all so stupid. So many years I've had to deal with this, just because my body likes opiates...
I also have hep C have never tried the amio as I have one kidney.. funny how we worry now lol you know with hep c the liver has a hard time breaking down vitamins it also stores some.. the best bet would be to talk with your Dr. I also had refills when I wanted them I tried what you are doing.. Oh Boy what a mind game just as bad as having them in the house.. I finally sucked it up after being clean a month went to my Dr. and told him I'm off of them and want no more for long term pain.. He was very pleased and happy for me.. I was proud and relived to have removed such a distraction and temptation..maybe if you took this route you will find the peace that coming clean brings.. I wish you well.. lesa
Always glad to read another day clean :) Junkie mode I was in for a very long time like yourself.. also the minute I read you were smoking Opium I knew we had things in common.. very seldom do you run across someone who even knows how to smoke the tar ball lol but to get real.. I have never felt this way before.. I thought I would die high.. if the pain was bad enough I would get the good drugs.. I did and did a OD.. I'm a junkie.. after that my health my marriage my kids they all were suffering because I claimed to love the drugs and in my most private moments I think I loved them more in ways... could not do it any more. after loosing the ability to communicate write figure out reality.. I was a walking dead person.. being a true junkie is no fun.. it will kill you.. it is already working on your liver.. it took almost loosing myself truly myself to even start to think about being clean.. something I thought would never pass my lips.. it did with the help of a phyc. and a trip to the Dr. every day.. being a junkie with a junkie plan will not cut it.. I say this with all due respect.. if we do not look at every avenue we will eventually self destruct.. if none of this fits you I'm sorry if I took your time.. I do wish you would think about it as you and I both know being a junkie will kill you slowly or quickly but it will kill you.. my truth lesa
I enjoyed your inspirational story about your teens and then experimentation into other areas. We are human and I think it's natural to seek out things that make us feel good. The cool thing is recognizing a harmful action to your self and doing something about it. I agree with you that the mind is capable of putting you in places that are only limited by your imagination...if you can dream it, think it, pattern it, it can be. I like the saying - "It's really a mind over matter; if I don't mind, it don't matter'...
I like that...if I don't mind, it don't matter. I know I'm getting good advice on this Forum & sure I know the Lesa is right saying I should stop the source, tell my doc not to give me any more refills...and maybe I will do that. Being really on top of it, would mean not caring that I can get more, forgetting I can get more, transcending the need. I've been meditating and I just ordered a bunch of the recommended amino acids on this site, yikes! Expensive! (ok..& so were the "o" drugs!) Right now...I'm losing count...I'm clean still, more than a few weeks...I'm still missing my inner energy...but I know Vicodin for energy is a weird illusion ..crazy.
Just DONT do it.. the mental part is kicking in and NO your mind cannot control it.. There are reasons people need meds, but a funny throat and twisted back is not one of them (unless your back is in excruciating pain obviously.. but its hard to tell what is real pain and what is "I want my pills pain") Believe me I understand what you are going through.. but try and stay strong.. Something I had to do when deciding to stay clean was tell my doctor exactly whats going on.. and NO MORE painkillers for me.. it helps.. there are times where you can barely control yourself.. .having no options helps for sure.. how about a non-narcotic muscle relaxer for the back? I am in the process of having extensive dental work done - extraction, root canals and my middle name is 'fillings' right now.. I have one abcess tooth which Im on antibiotics for and its painful at times (I -heart- Orajel).. and it would be GREAT to have a script but I told the dentist Im an addict and we deal with it. Its not fun, but its necessary..
Stay strong friend! Hope you feel better soon. Good luck!
Well...I hate to admit it to anybody out loud like this. Maybe this peer pressure would have worked if I got your message sooner. I wanted a message from someone. I blew it. I fell. Over a pulled muscle in my back (which only lasted a few days), I got 40 more vicodin...used them up quickly...I'm done & now ashamed. I even threw up before I went to pick up the refill at the pharmacy because my body didn't want it. I blew it. My mind wasn't strong. It was only worth the 1st few hours of high, then, no matter how many I took, I wasn't high, they did almost nothing. I'm done. I'm taking lots of amino acids like suggested on this site. I'm tired. I need to believe I'll have lots of energy to do all the things I love to do soon. I just need believe...
You will be okay, just pick yourself up and go at it again. You now know in your mind that it won't work, you've tried it and it doesn't work. The highs from it doesn't cut it anymore. I know the energy thing is brutal, we all want to feel better and hope that it happens soon, it is brutal, it's easy to fall. Some fall alot in the process. Go back and start where you left off and keep posting. We are all human, no one better than the other.
Thanks for sharing your story… you can do this because you did it for 4 days right? Get back on track….. yes the mind is very powerful… there are times when, ive gone to those meetings, aa or na, called people from the meetings, read my little books about staying clean, took my vitamins, etc. and I still want pills…. That is when my mind has to be strong, sometimes, I just lie on my back, close my eyes and wait for the cravings to pass. Good luck and keep us posted. I’m not there yet, but working hard on it….
Don't beat yourself up, learn from your mistake. An addict's mind is not usually strong when it comes to drugs. Maybe you should re-think a little wine now and then . The drink bone is connected to the drug bone. You don't have to go to NA AND THERE ARE OTHER SUPPORTS . ALL THE BEST
Putting the mind in control of an addiction is like putting the fox in control of the henhouse. The reason it's an addiction is that it has taken control over your mind.
I think we put too much emphasis on the negative side of recovery. Getting high is a pleasant experience: why not do it forever? If you're here reading this question, it's probably because, in the long run, the pleasant experience is ruining your life. If you're going to recover, you have to replace it with experiences that are equally pleasant, or more so. If you can't imagine anything more pleasant than getting loaded, you're in for a grim time of it. You are anyway, for a while, at least, but you need something beyond it to look forward to.
Disclaimer: I have used many drugs, mostly psychedelic, in the past, but have only been addicted to nicotine and booze. The first took many years, the second was easy when the right time came along. The reason I'm here is that my son died of a methadone OD last month, and I'm trying to get a handle on things. I think this forum could have been very helpful to him.
I didn't know there were more people here talking to me giving support...I guess I need support and real people like you and your words out there to help me. Thank you. I'm up & down & up & down & trying to believe I can have energy to do all this work & music & all the stuff I do without opiates, vicodin, whatever, no more smoking O because it really makes me sick, & I've been done with shooting heroin for years because kicking was horrid...more of you talked to me than I realized....I need to be transcended from all this. love&peace, me.
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