You are definitely not alone. I am a barbituate addict and have been clean since just before Thanksgiving.
I have no idea what feeling normal is supposed to feel like. I am constantly feeling crazy like I'm going to lose my mind at any moment.
I do have some brief moments of peace where I can honestly see how crazy my pill seeking behaviour was and how much better I feel now. Unfortunately the feeling doesn't last that long though and I start feeling nuts again.
Maybe it's just part of the process. I can certainly relate though I am constantly obsessing about how I feel.
Is it because we had the simple task of just taking a pill, or snort or whatever our drug of choice was, to feel "better" and now we feel we have nothing or so we think. Right now this forum is helping me but I am afraid of actually becoming "addicted to my recovery" from it...make sense anyone??
Being slightly further along in clean time(5 months this past Sunday), I can tell you that "stuff" is all normal...to wonder if you will ever really be normal again(and obsess about virtually everything to do with recovering).
This shall also pass, please trust me on that one.
More separation from your last pill will provide the means; then the next thing you will know is, you actually will be living your life again(ie. moved on).
Stay strong people, and try not to think TOO MUCH.
Thanks Percs for the insight, any idea how long that took? I am trying not to think to much but I have some idle time on my hands because I just got laid off. It may or may not have been because of the 4 days I took off because of the "flu" (w/d). Not a real stable work force out there right now and I was fairly new. In any case I can collect UE but time and not necessarily money is my enemy right now. Too much of one and not enough of another, I guess. I am trying to stay busy by catching up on housework that didn't get done in the last 2 weeks but it is a struggle. I use to take a few pills and have the energy to clean my house and my neighbors :-). I just want to know when I will have at least half of that energy and motivation.
I know the feeling... Ive been putting alot of my time into this forum. It has helped soooooooooooooooooo much on my recovery. I know I have along way to go,but with all this support it helps tremendously!!!!!!! But I too think Im addited to this forum... I dont think this is a bad addiction though!!!! Its a God send for me... Day 11 today and besides for a few ups and downs, sneezing,[whats that about?],bodyaches here and there,I think over all I doing good!!! Prayer has helped me get through the down time alot.. And knowing your all here is sooooooooooooooo wonderfull.. So Everyone smile a great big smile and think about how wonderful life is and its getting better everyday of our journies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ill be praying for you all... If I could I would reach out and give everyone of you a GREAT BIG HUG AND KISS from the bottem of my heart for all the help youve been and will be in my journey.. Iknow that God has his hands on us all.. So rejoice.... Were going to make it.. God Bless you all my friends..And give your worries over to God he will take themm in time.. J.E,W.
You pose a wonderful question! I am 36 days out of hydro-hell and i almost feel like I forgot how to live my life (without-pills). It is almost like OK NOW WHAT? Sometimes I feel so lost!
the posts today have really helped me to stand back and just take it one day at a time--all of you on this forum seem to come through at just the right time--Queen--you are not alone-prayers and peace--much thanks n.o.lady
EVeryone plz say extra prayer for him.. he is having bad cravings and his mind is trying to convince him he is not ready to be drug free! He is listening to his diseased mind but has NOT acted on it yet! Good man! He has wut it takes to beat his tricky receptors!
ANTHONY HOPE U DONT MIND THIS POST! Please forgive m if you do! SUZIE HUGS YA!
I get asked that alot. My last pill was Aug.19/02, and I still remember cutting the grass about a week after that; continually looking down at my legs.....cause I was certain they were made out of concrete!!! urgghh
I forced myself to the gym, no matter how lethargic I felt; so to answer the timing question, Id have to say things really improved after 3 weeks. It took me a couple months before I didn't THINK how much energy I needed to play with the kids, work around the house ,etc. That kind of happened without me even realizing it.....
I'm sure the loss of employment doesn't help your situation, but as you've pointed out, keeping yourself busy is critical. Hey, you didn't lose only a job, you lost an all-consuming pill habit at the same time(great trade off in my books).
Thomas and many others have pointed out how important exercise(in whatever form) is, I couldn't agree more!!!
Thank you Percs again for the wonderful insight....
Yup, good trade off considering my new boss was adding majorly to my continuing the pills. Very much a jerk.....
JEW, I hear ya on the sneezing and how about that yawning all the time (gotten a little better since the first week) but my nose has been stuffed up for 2 weeks and I am afraid to take anything for it for fear of addiction and the "jitters" that sinus meds do.
I do have to say that I do have a slight, ever so slight, desire now to not to sweat the small stuff, hard to explain but before I was a little anal retentive about keeping the house clean and making sure everyone is happy. I have a little relief in that I am caring about myself right now and actually I feel a little guilty about it. I am afraid my live-in won't want the new me that is not "here to please".
Three words...EX-ER-CISE!!! I can't stress that enough. It's hard I know. I have always been atheletic so it may have been easier for me than others but with every time you exercise, the more "in shape" you become. Exercise is proven to increase energy & the feel good chemicals in your brain. If you can FORCE yourself to do a little exercise one day, then a little more the next etc, the day will come when you feel GREAT. Energized. Healthy. You must force this upon yourself. This is what got me through my detox without the effects of the oh-so-common depression that generally follows detox. Take your vitamins, drink your water till you're gonna burst & exercise both brain & body. Geeze, I sound like Hulk Hogan but it works...I swear by it.
Finished!! I have been hearing that quite often now and I have a few exercise tapes from who knows when because I am not a big fan of exercise. It is 10 degrees below zero out so I can't just go run or walk for that matter but maybe an aerobics tape is a good start,huh? I am about 25lbs over my ideal weight so it couldn't hurt, right???
N.O. Lady - wow 36 days!! That's great....I can't wait until I get there. I hear ya though. Go on with life, pleasing others was my life now what? At this point I am, ok all cards on the table...I am living with my boyfriend that has 3 boys, 11-8-5. I help him take care of them. They are like my own, most of the time, you see I do have 2 of my own that live with their father, he had more money at time of divorce than I did, honestly, didn't lose them due to any kind of unfitness or anything like that. I see them every other weekend. I live right now to help take care of my boyfriends kids and to see mine every 2 weeks. What am I moving on to???
Wut an excellent question!
Yes we have addictive personalities and so anything can become an obsession with us. But...this is wut the success of the 12 step program is all about i think. To direct those compulsive/ obsessive tendancies into something positive like helping others get/ stay clean! Wut a meaningful way to be consumed with life.. helping others!
This board is the same. Some non-addicts (sig others, etc) think well once u get off drugs./ alcohol u need to get away from all this stuff.. but that is quite the opposite as AA has proven! Staying in touch with those who are seeking help reminds us of the horror we went thru, the grip it has on others'/ had on our lives and it helps to keep us drug/ alcohol free!
No I don't mind. I need help. I want the drugs so bad, I know one phone call to a pharmacy and I'll have some. But I havent done it yet. Yet being the key word---I don't know how long I can fight this demon inside me! HELP!!!
I actually just started today to every hour do 40 jumping jacks. I guess it's not running home in my bathing suit or a 20 min reg exer program yet but I am guessing its better than nothing right or it's a start. Thanks so much everyone for all the good advice and support. I am better than I was a week ago and in a week I know I will be better than I am now and I do owe it to you good folks!! All of you on this forum are great!!
I know u DO NOT want the consequences of doing that on the rest of yur life right??????
Talk about horror and fear and despair!
Remember my horror story and i was DAYUM lucky in the end!
Peace and conviction to your gentle strong soul!
I went through hundreds of sneezes during one withdrawing period.Some will call it foolish but could it be you are expelling demons during such episodes. The narcotic demons you are refusing to feed could be looking for a better "host." Command them to stay out in the name of Jesus.
The bible says that if you decide to feed that addiction again that the hungry little devils will bring some friends. Maybe that's why we build up such a tolerence---Too many mouths to feed.
As people with addictive personalities, we might not be able to choose whether to be addicted or not. But we have some power over what we are addicted to. For example, to get my ass out of my chair and out exercising, I play a little game with my addict mind. When it is time to suit up for exercise, I focus on how good I'm going to feel after I exercise, shower and put on fresh clothes. I visualize myself relaxed, clean, kicking back with a sandwich, just feeling good. I try to make THAT my addiction. You only have to do 20 minutes of mild aerobic exercise to experience a sense of well being. Become addicted to the post exercise high and your addict self will do all the work! Feel lucky you can exercise. Many chronic pain patients don't have that option.
Anything is better than nothing. 10 degrees below? That's pretty cold!!! Maybe have somebody drop you off a couple of blocks from home in your bathing suit. Bet you'd run pretty fast. Just kidding. Look, even if you just do a little something that gets that heart of your's pumping, it'll do good. When I say exercise, I don't mean run 100 miles or do 10,000 jumping jacks. I myself am not a big fan of conventional exercise. I like to make my exercise fun by body surfing, riding my mountain bike like a maniac etc. Video tapes of an exercise regiment is what my fiance does everyday & she loves it. I think the more "in shape" you become, the funner the exercise itself becomes. Give it a shot. I hope it works out for you & I'll be praying for all of those here in their speedy recovery in all stages of detox.
B`Belt,You could be right and Ill try it.. Thanks for your advice. Your not crazy you speek the words of truth. Theyre in the Bible,even though most dont want to hear them...I know it works from my own eyes seeing this be done...... God Bless.... Frank, Its o.k. if youfeel down just pick yourself up and start again were only human and will fall many times im our journies in life.. If not from drugs then from one thing or another.. So get up and start again. Ill be praying for you my friend... DO NOT beat yourself up.. Just get up and do the best you can to stay up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And keep reading these posts. These friends know the right way to go!!!!!!!!!! God Bless.... J.E.W.
It's easy for me to tell you to not give in 'cause I've still got some in my system. It sure is easy to say ,"I'm quitting" when you're not detoxing. I went way too far once again after major surgery and took more percs than ever in my life. I'm like Thomas I've fought this crazy battle for 30 years. I hope to God in heaven this is my last W/D. I'll suffer for Jesus. He did for me to save my soul.
For anyone thinking suicide--THINK ABOUT eternal w/d's with NO WAY OUT. We're fighting a spiritual battle. You must tell God that you can't do it without Him. If you haven't accepted Jesus do that. The devil hates all of us . That is why those pills are such great liars. He is the father of lies.He gets you to take one to stop pain of guilt, then makes you feel guility for taking it.
God loves you and me---and yes He's disappointed because I opened the door once again, but I'm His child,as you are, so He forgives. You've got to quit one day ---let it be now. I'm talking to BOTH you and me.
I honestly feel better when my system is free of this poison. I know that's hard to believe. Even knowing that, I've continued to get back on those liars. I'm really not as dumb as my actions indicate, nor are any fighting this battle. Doesn't that tell you that it has to be spiritual?
The devil came to steal,kill, and destroy. These lying narcotics help him do all very well. Come on Bungee ,Let's do it together. I just prayed for you as many on this site are doing.
I really agree with Thomas' Plan. It will help.
Thanks for caring I am going to start again. The whole time I was detoxing the thought of doing OXY's once in a while was alway's there; I just didn't want to be dependent on them. But Now that I don't NEED them to function my new goal is to stay Drug free and start to put good things in my body and to exercise like finished said. I look phycally fit on the outside but I know my insides are hating me for what I have done to them my whole life.
Thanks again for praying for me I need it
You are an Angel!!! Be there for him, that is alot in it's self but it won't "cure what ails him" as for that depending on his health either medical detox or the Thomas Receipe got me thru.
I have an un-supportative partner and he sees my addiction as a flaw and not a disease, it's alot harder with no support. That's why I am here and getting better every day from everyone.....
HELP! My husband has been on vic 5/500, 7.5/750, morphine 1mg quick disolve, and anything else with such for almost 3 years. He is a recovered alcoholic and drug addict. This all started when he ruptured a disc in 2000. Then the meds were for real physical pain. He then eventually had the surgery he needed, but his inscision got infected. He ended up having 8 surgeries and was on a morphine drip and vic supplements in hospital. Upon leaving, they DIDNOT taper him down and we were screwed. He has now been completely clean for about a week. I don't know what the hell to do. A few days ago he had ateral--ritalin. 2 days before we ran out, he started going down hard and fast. We have ativan, but he doesn't like the feeling of blah and I don't see that it is helping. I read a lot of you guys comments and I think they're great. Please someone email at ***@**** and tell me if I should continue with cold-turkey and use Thomas' recipe or get some darviset and taper him after putting him back on. Thanks for anything you can give me, I am not a non-supportive spouse. I knew he was a recovered alcoholic and drug addict when I married him. Just trying to get my family through this. Angel
As it has been said already, good question!
when we get rid of the drugs we are left with
a void. we have to fill the void with somethingto me it is a question of substitution.
i had afreind who was driving himself a little nutty drinking
around 4 to 6 cups of coffee in the morning and he was having
a problem stopping, so when he asked me for advice i said
when you get up in the morning drink 4 tall glass's of orange juice, he too k my advice and was able to cut down to one
cup of coffee in the morning.
so i guess replacing our addiction to pills with anything
positive is a plus.
we are extreemest ,we have the tendency to take things to one extreem or the other ,that is the nature of the addictive
we also have a strong tendency to measure ourselves the problem taking that to an extreem is we wind up beating ourseves with the measureing stick.
we need to take it easy, there is that book that comes to mind
ALL WE EVER NEED TO KNOW IN LIFE IS WHAT WE LEARNED IN KINDERGARDEN.
be nice, don't steal, lie or cheat, don't hit people,
eat your meals etc etc,
Well put!! I do take everything to the extreme especially the part about beating myself up when it comes to addiction. Today, I am nursing my live-in boyfriends sick 5 yr old and he actually said to me "Tammy, you are nice to me today and yesterday". Wow, what was I like before??? Made me think, hard. The pill that I thought was making me "wonderful" to be around may have been a deception. A demon, disquised as a friend.
I have been here alot the last few days and that is why I asked if I can become addicted to my recovery.......
Are you O.K.???? Im worried about you with those chest pains. Did you go see a dr.??? Ill be praying for you. Please take care. Your wife needs you. And so do all of us here.. Please let me know if your ok. God Bless........ J.E.W.
I have never been a particularly religious person but I have said many times that I have often felt that there was a battle for my soul going on with regard to these pills-There has never been something that took over total control of my psyche! I truly believe now that only a power greater than myself brought me out of the depths of hydro-hell--love and prayers to all of you--n.o. lady
hey hope your doing well , im still having chest pains im going to give it a couple more days , what i cant belive is i still have muscle cramps and nervious legs after 11 days clean but im not leting it get me down i know it will pass , thank god for this form its the best med. the best to eyeryone,dont give up .
Plz see my comments below in C48. I believe our prayers and spiritual guidance for one another is very important but i think we need to be careful that we do not offend or turn anyone away not ready for or not believing as we do....WE do not want ANYONE to be turned away who is suffering this terrible disease of addiction! EVeryone of every faith needs our support...
Peace and love,
Glad to here from you. Hopefully the chest pains are from the wds. I read somewhere on here someone elese was having them from wds. too. Im doing good today. Alittle bit of a brain freeze but nothing serious!!!!!!!!!! I think my memeries shot... God Bless.... J.E.W.
The thread question was a good one for me as I just finished taperring (again) and this is my first day clean (again.) Talk about obsessing, Thought I was loosing my mind today. I kept reaching into my pockets at work only to find them empty, came home and actually filled the empty script bottle with water and drank it to get the residue. As embarrassing as that is I'm forcing myself to type it out to you guys. No more stupid secrets. While that may seem like I've reach bottom, I'm actually on my way back. Day1 down. Tapperring works but its a death by a thousand cuts for an OCD person like myself.
Finished - sneezing! I'm with you. Know just what your talking about.
Of course everyone knows that I would have to reply to this one, because I am "religious". Actually the word religion is not mentioned in the bible - it is more of a label.
A truly bad thing could happen with your recovery, NO Lady, and that would be for you to recover and completely detox and then forget about that "battle for your soul" part that you mentioned.
May I say to you that IMHO, God has a plan for everyone, as I have mentioned before here, I think a lot of us are here for a reason - someone is trying to get our attention.
I will make this statement - if you truly think that your higher power helped you out of Hydro hell, try this - get even closer now that you are out. Ask questions of Him, do a little reading - find out Who this higher power is. Go seek Him, he will answer, I promise.
I can tell you that when you draw closer to Him, He definitely draws closer to you. And then you may find that this journey you have been on was all worth it in the end...
I have taken prescription Ativan for 8 years, since my brother died. I am 51 years old and have had many tradgedies in my life. Along with Ativan, I would take sleeping pills too..I am away from the sleeping pills but take up to 8mg of Ativan at night. I never take it in the day time. I want to get off of these! I need to do it alone. My doctor seems to think I can just stop. I can't! How can I do this alone. I can get the ativan, I don't want to...please help, I know I will go through hell. I am a nurse, I can't just run to the hospital. I won't. Any suggestions on how to cut back. I believe I can do this if I just know how to cut back gradually without the withdrawls. i am also over weight. Lonely and scared...
Please feel free to email me at:
To anyone seeking info on my experience, they can read about the most important factor - God in my life in my posts. To those that are offended, I assume they are not reading my posts anyway once they read the words Christ, God, or Jesus.
Many here including Hippee, Finished, Tee and others will share the same message. Others will share practical answers as these are important components of recovery as well. Together this forum is providing a pretty comprehensive resource.
Everyone who visits here has a down arrow on the keyboard, I am assuming. I try and direct my Christian posts to those seeking such info. When others read my posts, they should know that God is just as important (and more) as L-Tyrosine, hotbaths, or Valium, for me anyway. They will get other suggestions from others ;-)
Are you worried we are getting too Christian? Ok, cool.:)
I did say it was very relevant.. But i am most concerned about a possible newcomer who is NOT a believer who may MISunderstaNd the board as "Christian",Which it IS NOT, and leave without getting the help they so desparately need.
Thanks for the great post. Ive been thinking since I read the other one that maybe I didnt belong here. I WONT give up the LORD again!!!! Hes the one thats got me this far. And last time I strayed I ended up on those demons again.. Thanks for the comfort of your words. We are fighting a much,much bigger war here!! And Im not going to be on the wrong side any longer..... God Bless.... J.E.W.
Ive noticed that my short term memory is very whacked out. Sometimes I read apost and have to go back and reread it in the middle of my own post. Is this part of the wds. or am I just getting up there in age???????????????? Does anyone else have this problem?? God Bless.... J.E.W,
Rex, you religious fanatic. Thanks for your post to the Lady.Maybe we can be a tag team. Sorry if I offend anyone but this pill hell ain't nothing compared to what is waiting for those who don't accept Jesus as their Savior.
You're so right we are here for a reason. I've known the spiritual truth for almost 30 years and still looked to the pills for my joy. Don't you know I've suffered guilt. Tell people about Jesus and take my head medicine. I know God forgives me and like you said earlier,Rex I hope now the prodical son has come home.
By the way N.O. I'm not religious but I am spiritual and as you can see a weak man saved by grace. My weakness will magnify His Strenght. For anyone turned off to the truth,ask yourself why? And the lady is so right someone is after your soul. By the way to the sweet lady who said she is saved but not a practicing Christian, We're all the same. I don't practice anymore than you I just want people to seek the truth.
God's love to all--My real battle starts tomorrow and Satan won't be too happy with my post. Pray for old B'Belt. We're in a war a lot more serious than Iraq.
i have been on this board for quite some time now and there is nothing greter than reading about how people have turned there lives around and stopped abusing drugs. that said, people achieve sobriety in different ways and many, in fact probably most, have nothing to do with jesus christ or any type of religion. i am NOT saying that doing so because of this is wrong bad or any less significant than someone who becomes sober due to or with help from their religious beliefs. being sober is the goal and no one way is less or more valid than any other. and while i hope that this board continues to help people recognize their addictions, seek treatment and become and stay sober, i also hope it does NOT turn into a board that centers around religious speeches or preaching of any kind, be it christian, jewish, muslim, hindu or whatever.
if it gets and keeps you sober - that is the goal no matter what. whatever helps you - religion, exercise, your profession, loved ones or just doing it for yourself. and all these experiences should be shared. i would just prefer to think of this board as a board to help people through the many experiences of others.
not just ONE experience that many believe is the only way.
no offense is meant to any by this post, these are just my thoughts.
This time around its vics.,percs.,duragesic patches50mgs.or anything I could get to stay so called normal. So sad what we do to ourselves. But I thank God I hit bottem and am on my way back. I was on em about 2 yrs. this time around.Ive been reading your post and youve had me lauging most of the day.. Its so nice to be able to do that again. Not worrying where my next fix was coming from.. Sh-- Icould of had a 100 in my pocket and still worried where
id get some more. Got tired of faking the pains... I think I faked so much my body started beleive I was in pain!!!!!!!!!! Thnks for listening! God Bless.. J.E.W.
I may have lost my memory but my sense of humor is back. Don't worry the forgetfullness goes away little by little. I do understand the frustration it brings. I thought I was permanently brain damaged! I'm ok now though I think.
Sorry I didn't post today got to busy and now my son just woke up so I gotta go. I'm proud of you!
Rex your faith is a big help to me and I love how your not afraid to express it.
Erika I read your post earlier and did say a prayer hope tommorow is better.
ok ok sons crying now gotta be a mommy but I love snuggles with him so here comes one of those moments we live for.
Havent heard from you today. It is still today in WA.!!!! Its tomarrow in other places!!!!!!!! Are you o.k.??? Is it that male menapause got you confused!!!!!!!!!!!!? Or maybe those darned CAP LOCK BUTTONS!!!!! Sorry I had to joke... But seriously I hope your alright.. Take care and post when you can.. God Bless you and your family...........J.E.W.
Thank you for thinking of me. Im just kinda staying out of sight for awhile. 7 days opiate free, but its tough when your wife has 84 oxys in her purse. Im just takin it day by day. This, among other things will eventually end our marrage, but life goes on I guess. Your jokes put a smile on my face, thank you. It wasnt male meno, defective pad, there was sticky tape on both sides,ha ha. Have a nice day. Your Great!
What you posted, I've been thinking about for some time.
Agreed, whatever works do it; however I have also been concerned (supported by people e-mailing me) with the additional passages from the Bible, etc.; specifically for the people that come here "brand new", and perhaps haven't figured out their faith/higher power.....Nothing more disheartening, when these people have to sort through all of the scriptures to get to the posts about how to taper/cold turkey/etc.
Well put. We ALL have our own weapons in battling the demons of addiction. I chose spiritual only after turning my back on God. I believe Rex's statements as being well put as well. We have choice in everything we do...including which posts to read. I owe my re-found faith to Rex. I'm glad he posts as he does because without the messages he speaks, I'd still be lost. I don't think that this forum can be misinterpreted as a "religous" site. We are all recovering or ready to recover. How we choose to do so is really irrelevant...as long as we CHOOSE to do so. We cannot condemn any one way or the other because of our own beliefs or the lack there of. We must choose our words in accordance to what the person in which we speak feels most comfortable...& I'll agree that some are not comfortable with speaking of God but we offer up un-edited advice & help in the best way we know how. Again, we must ALL choose our weapons for the continued fight. All that I see in the speaking of God here is perhaps another choice of weapon that some may have overlooked. I hope this reads how I meant it to sound. I do not agree with forcing religion on anyone. I believe that it is up to the individual to make that choice. I myself can use all of the weapons at hand for my continuing fight. If my beliefs or words offend...I apologize.
Divorce is avery scarry thing to go through. I was married 11 yrs. had 4 kids and one day he just left,I think it was the church thing!! I stayed in church (me and my 4 babes) by myself for 3 yrs. Then I met awonderful man at work and weve been togeather ever since. except for my addictions Its apretty good life. Its hard but it might be worth it for you and your son at this point just to seperate this might wake her up to what she may lose. Ill be praying for you... God Bless.. J.E.W.
I would love to e-mail you but I dont know how!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im new to this computer thing. Just got on it when I started my detox. Sounds crazy huh! I am set up with e-mail its ***@**** Sometimes I can figure out how to open it and sometimes not.My brains in to much of a fog. God Bless.. J.E.W.
I can't believe I read your Doctor just said Stop.; what an ass.
Being a nurse, I'm sure you are aware that abrupt cessation of benzos CAN BE dangerous.
I've only been on Ativan twice, and for short duration; and I am certainly no doctor, but the people that I know who successfully got of Ativan(and Xanax), were switched first to a longer acting benzo., like Valium; then slowly tapered off. The tapering was over several months(I don't recall from what doses).
Please Take Care
Im in Renton. I have a sister in Goldbar & one in snohomish..Its a small world huh!!! The sister in Snohomish used to live in Sultan!! On the Sultan/Basin RD... Wow how weird... Its windy and raining cats and dogs here. Hope not there you guys flood to much!!! Take care. God Bless... J.E.W.
Rex- Thank you for your reply. Everyday for the past week has just been down. Just way down. I feel so sad and depressed all I do is cry...:(
Lifeisbetter: I live 5 minutes from Sultan Basin Road. Is weird huh? I hate the Eastside. Lots of snobs huh? I think so... Thats why I like living in the country. Solitude. Its definatly what I need right now. Maybe we can meet someday! :)
Hey buddies!!! Sorry Im having problems with my Yahoo account. So if you have written I cant write back so I thought I would post here. Im okay today. Just sore, achey and depressed to be honest. All i think about is getting pills. Its sad. I have a friend dropping 10 or 15 off to me. I cant stand it anymore and then my weekend will be hell. detox all over again. Im loosing. I cant not have drugs with my arthritis. What the hell am I going to do. I cant win. I just want to die right now. :(
I see no HOPE.... Im lost
P.S. One thing I cant stop thinking about is arthritis has set into my left knee pretty bad and I know I will have to have surgery in a year for that. THen what? I dont know If I told either of you before but I have two wrist fusions two finger replacements already and Im frickin 31. Sorry Im feeling sorry for myself. I cant write Im crying right now. Ill write back later...
I am sooooo glad you wrote, I did email you this am and wondered how you were, how was your night last night?
With all that pain girl, I can't say I blame you for wanting the relief. As I said before I no longer have pain (I am one of the lucky ones) and I can't imagine fighting this demon of addiction and having pain at the same time. You have to do what is best for you right now, tears all day and night is no way to live...all you can do is come here for support so that you can put some kind of control on the addiction side of the consumption of the pain meds.
I am here for ya!!!
Day 16 for me, I have the urges but not because of legit reasons like severe pain. Don't feel bad, you shouldn't have to suffer so bad.....keep in touch when you can...
when i comes
to getting clean from drugs and helping others
i personally try to put my religious beleifs
aside and deal with addiction , some people beleive that
addiction is a moral problem others think it is a disease,
and still others just gluttony and sin.
i must say in all the years i have been dealing with adiction,
i do not have the perfect answer for defineing the problem.
each case is different.so of a situation ethics.
being a member of thre 12 step program n.a. which sees it as a spiritual problem.i have learned there to set aside my personal beleifs for the benifit of the newcomer, but my experence
still is I WENT TO N.A. TO SAVE MY ASS AND FOUND OUT IT WAS ATTACHED TO MY SOUL.
It is OK to be addcited to this forum (in my opinion)because it is constructive to your healing...I came running to you guys as if yall were my pills....it is OK as long as it is positive...I will one day go back to cleaning..wont I??
There my initials. Glad to here from someone was feeling way down all of a sudden.. my brains in that dreaded fog and you know how it goes. up & down and all around!!! Thanks for the laughs they help alot!!! J.E.W.
Wow.. sounds like u hav some real legitimate pain to manage. Hope u can get a good caring pain managment Dr. Knee replacememnt is very succesful but not orthoscopic. I am a therapist.
Plz do not feel guilty about seeking relief from sever chronic pain. You have proven u can detox.. now u need to find that delicate balance between pain relief no abuse of pain meds.
Suc a horrid deliemna we face if we have chronic pain and are also addicts.
I am sitting here now.. wiht a bad headache with essentially nothing to take. Got Dr. appointment Friday. My imitrex did not work. I have 2 more darvocet but i wonder if it just aggrevates em. I'll just go lie back down with my ice bag and pray it subsides.
Peace to your life!
You have no idea how many pill bottles I filled with water and then licked clean! Actually, did much worse than that but I can't share that one yet...way to humiliating. Lets just say drinking the water from an empty rx bottle is only a little tiny bit obsessive. I did the pocket search thing too and drove myself out of my mind! I would also try to hide a few pills from myself! Explain that one! When I got a refill,I'd take a few pills out while looking away and try not to count them. Then I would close my eyes when I was hiding them because I was convinced I would forget where I put them (I figured my brain was so screwed up that I really would forget!)....so bizaar! I admire you for writing about things that are embarrasing to you, honesty is a good quality to have, it helps you stay clean. I admire you even more for your "never give up" attitude. When you want to be clean as badly as you do, it will happen, it has to. Believe me I have no clue how many times I tried to stop. I don't know why I finally could, I guess I finally scared myself enough. Keep going, keep fighting, you strike me as a real survivor!
Have you read the post way below by braindead? It sounds like pretty scarry stuff to me... Almost like they would reprgram your whole brain. And turn you into who knows what.. If you havent read it do. And let me know what you think..Ill be gone till tonight so Ill get back to you later. God Bless... J.E.W.
I did read it, I am no PHD but that's what it sounded like to me and I really think they can re-program a person.
I always did say "If only I could take that small part out of my brain that makes me an addictive personality I would be set"
How little did I know that I was not far from what they may actually be able to do....
Wow...with the exception of a few extra opiates my life has been somewhat the same....you may have read some of my postings in the last few days of how i tell about the rehab from the last hydro habit lasted 3 or 4 days and I checked myself out and bought a bottle of vodka every day for 2 months after.
Went to AA a few times quit the everyday drinking and after a little bit convinced myself I could social drink only I was then going out almost every night. Duh!!!
Then I went to a dr for a broken tailbone (fell down when I was drunk on night) and he gave me Vic ES. Alot, with many refills and then each time I would go in his office I would get another script(he would write it) for alot with alot of refills...then I took more and the pharm would fill until 17 days ago, they caught on. I am glad they did. I told my dr and I told the pharm no more for me. If I had to make a label on myself as an addict because of it so be it.
You are an inspiration and one of the many people that have kept me strong thru this...and I thank you!!!
im doing good alive and kicking feeling much better, did the gym thing it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be , wats that i here rainy and windy and not walking , its like 0 degrese here im walking i think i saw a polar bear today im going to send him your way to bite you in the butt , just joking best to you be strong .
You better keep that polar bear Im cold enough dont want no cold bears on my butt!!!!!!!!!!!! Glad to here youre feeling better. Wnt to work and felt alot better after getting out of the house.. Big day 13 coming up!! Were doing good.. keep at it my friend... God Bless... J.E.W.
Save, you sound sooooo good.
I read over our early posts, and all I can say is YOU ARE DOING IT.
As one of my friends reminded me, "This addiction is like a boxing match, when you think you have it licked, just remember, "IT'S regrouping in "IT'S" corner"; so stay strong and on the offensive!!!
Great thread. I have been investing a lot of time in the process of recovery. Of course, a lot less time than pursuing pills, dr. appointments, flunky pharmasists telling me I have to wait 3 days for them to legally fill the script. What a friggen joke and pathetic way for me to live. To have freedom from my active addiction and the slave to my addiction that I was, is as Mel Gibson screamed in Braveheart, FREEDOM!
It amazes me how long and just what I would do believing the lie of the drugs, the medical industry is in dire need of a major over haul. For that matter, so am I.
Well, I am at 45 days opiate free, hitting meetings, working steps with my sponser and actually feeling emotions again. It feels good to feel human again, a human with an attiude of gratitude and empathy for the newcomer. The great thing is I really feel the good, happy feelings, the flipside I REALLY feel the sad, regretful emotions too. Some sort of support group can be the difference between stopping for awhile or staying stopped.
For those of you beginning detox or in the middle of it, this board and the very special, caring people got me through the most horrible WD of my life. I CT off 400mgs of oxy and a 120mgs perc 325/10 per day for 8 months and have been on various opiates for the last two years. I couldn't leave the house for two weeks, still have moments of WD from the oxy. It takes so much courage and determination to stop opiates. Add a little faith and it can be done. My prayers are with you all.
rex- your right about the exercising, I started PT a month ago,it sparked my work out program. It is amazing how many ailments have gone away as a result of early morning walks and hitting the gym. My strength and endurance is increasing weekly.
hippy- Greetings, my friend. I just know someday our paths will cross and I look forward to the day I can meet you and say thanks for your generosity of one addict helping another.
percs- it is a conspiracy, oxy is a combo of heroin and methadone. They and you know who they are, are out to get as many people addicted as possible. Soylent Green is People. Old C Heston movie. The above statement about oxy is NOT true. See, I have got some humor back. I hope all is well with you, brother.
suzie- love and hugs to you, girl. You are an awesome lady who has helped more people than you know.
I will keep checking in with you all. I will always be grateful for the people on this board and med help for keeping this board open and uncensored, for the most part. Recovery is a process, just like addiction. There is no shame in relapse, the shame is not getting back to recovery ASAP. Once you get your life back, drug free for a period of time, you will not be able to use again and have the enjoyment the drugs origionally provided. Because once we cross that invisable line of addiction, the days of using successfully or as prescribed are over. Those who have to use meds for legitamate pain, my prayers are with you.
Strength and Honor
hows your new addiction today???(reading this forum..) Im still hooked big time!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shut off the computer but Im back in 5 or 10 mins.!!!!!!!!!!!! This is pretty crazy huh. But its better than poping pills.. To me its like a natural high. Maybe Im weird or something. You know us grandmas are strange sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im so happy to be getting back to myself again. My kids and grandkids like having me back too!!! Isnt life grand!!!!!!!!!! So how you feeling today hon.? I hope as good as me..Dont let those kids drive you nuts... When they grow up and have kids of there own your going to love it...Cause you can spoil them and send em home!!!!!!!!!!!! God Bless.... J.E W.
Thank you so much for asking...
I have seen many posts from you for many days and I think we have only written twice directly to each other, wasn't sure your story. I now know you are a grandma but that is about it. Are you in detox, recovery, tapering, meth or what?
I am soooooooooo addicted to this forum, everytime I want a pill, I come here. Each day though, I get a project done and them come bach here as oppossed to every sec of the day.
There are sooo many wonderful, wonderful people on this forum, I think it was a549056(Tom) that said yesterday, it would be cool to get everyone in one location to meet in person...
I have issues of addiction and religion that I am getting help with on these forums and they are great!!
I Have been an addict since86.I drank at first (case of bud dry a night.)Then Id go backand forth from any kind of pill I could get. Never mixed the two. I thought that would kill me!!!!!!!! What a joke..I was killing myself all the time... Well in early 98 I got a hold of oxiecotin mind you no one told me they were time released. I was poppen one every 3to 4hrs. And feelin great..Then my supplier moved. I dont even remember two wks. of my life. I woke up in detox at hospital. From there I went to in house recovery. It was a 12 step program. Learned alot. Stayed there 29 days. All was good for about a month or two. Then I thought I could do some crystal meth. It wasnt my drug of choice so I was alright!! WRONG!!! I ended up taken by ambulance to E.R. had tubes running out of everywhere. Dont remember any of it. Woke up 3 days later in room.. The Dr. tolds me what happend. Did good for awhile..Then I started taking vics,percs,pain patches even did methadone (off the street.)Then on 1/10/03 I woke up took my last 2 vics. And here I am.. Praise The Lord!!! Pillfree day 13!!!(my lucky # too!!!) God Bless... Jerri
Hope your feeling better hon. I was wondering where you went.I didnt know if that computer virus got you or what. It was a human virus instead..Congrates on day 22. Keep up the good work my friend.. Ill be praying for you to feel better.. J.E.W.
It is taking everything I have to type this right now. I got HIT big time with a flu/cold and I haven't eaten since Fri nite, every waking moment is a really, really bah headache. Boy, am I being tested and so is my relationship....My BF just went thru a week and a half of "flu like" symptoms with me now I am really and truely sick. Satan really wants me back doesn't he? I was just feeling really, really good and the very next day this hits me.
I have to say I am still clean...DAY 22!!!
Unless OTC cold meds don't count.
Thank you for checking on me, it really means alot to me..
How are you doing??
I'm sorry to hear your not feeling well. Congrats on 22. Today is day9 for me. Yesterday I was REALLY tested. The morning was great but then I got home from work to find to "friends" at my house who I know use oxycontin and like to sell them to me. I finally just told them the truth and asked them to leave. It was HARD!!!! Then, two minutes after they leave the phone rings and its someone ELSE wanting to get rid of stuff. I was like, this must be a test! My cravings were out of control. I just stopped answering the phone, and went and picked up my kid. I didn't sleep real good. But hey, Today is day 9 NOT day 1. Thank god.
Good for you!!! Wow, what would I do in that situation, not sure if I could be that strong, maybe...cuz the way I felt during detox will haunt me for quite sometime and will probabley be what keeps me from returning to the evil. I have had lung diseases in the past, pluericy and pnemonia and I have a feeling I have something again but fear that it may be the addict in me "overreacting" to my symptoms. Will wait another day or 2 to see if I get an apetite or worse symtoms. How long can one go without eating? I have been nursing a glass or 2 of orange juice for the last 4 days with no food intake.
Linda, I am proud of you...the cravings are worse when you know how close you are to the evil, it just makes you that much stronger when you know you have defeated that craving!!!
Sorry, I just noticed you posted to me earlier. I am kind of in a fog but not drug induced, sinus induced. Thank you for being concerned and your prays, they are helping please continue them as I will with you and everyone else, especially the ones we've come to depend on that are being banned from the forum.
Freedom of speech is the american way isn't it? Shouldn't being on this forum and sharing feelings be the utmost concern when it is truely helping others cuz I know b'belt has helped me probabley more than he realizes...pity things like this happen to good people.
Again, thanks for the kind words and the prays...
Hello everyone, I have been reading this forum for about 2 weeks now. I realized about a month ago that I am addicted to Hydro. I depend on it. And days like today, Two days without it. I feel like ****, and still part of my mind tells me that I don't want or need it anymore. And the other part is telling run to the Doctor now. I never in my life thought I would get addicted to painpills (I fooled myself). Anyway, when I realized that I had a problem, I take about 8-12 Lortab 10's in a 24 hour period. Realizeing I had a problem scared me so bad. I have three little girls that I need to take care of and they need me. But what scares me the most is that in may of 2002 I had and Aunt pass away from oxy And some other drugs she had taken. But I do know the main drug was OXY. I have taken OXY once I found out what it was and heard so many stories about it I have never touched it again. But the Lortab is bad enough, you get a tolerance to that and you move to something stronger. I need help and a whole lot of prayers to get me through this. I ask God everyday to hold my handand lead me through life the right way. I guess somewhere down that road of life I let go of his hand. But I have my grasp on it now and I don't ever want to let go again. I need to get clean for my girls but most of all for me.
Thank you all for your enspireing words. They have helped alot. And I can use more hands to hold to help me get through this. You can email me at ***@****
I completely hear and understand what you are saying. I am a single mother of a 3 yr old boy. I am 10 days clean from a oxycontin and vicodin addiction. I felt such guilt when i would be investing sooo much of my time in my habit, wether that was finding pills, finding doctors, being high, being sick etc. and NOT enough time with my son. When I decided enough was enough a huge weight was lifted. I detoxed cold turkey and it has not been easy. But I already notice a difference. My patience level with my son is much greater. The joy i get from seeing him and listening to him and holding him is so much more now that i'm not "zoned" out. If there is anything I can do, let me know.
BLUE, 10 days now? That's GREAT! I'm really proud of you. It good to know you're still getting on with it & getting your life back. I'm at day 25 off hydros & feeling great.
4mygirls, I know where you are with this nightmare addiction - been there too! Now, I did what you are doing with stopping the pills & feeling like **** for a couple of days then getting more pills and the "relief" from withdrawal hell for a few days, then got disgusted and would decide to stop again & the cycle would go on ... I created a living, drawnnnnn-out hell for myself. I finally got so sick of this on/off mess & started reading the posts at this forum. I swallowed the last pill on Sunday morning, Jan 5th & stuck it out. Now, the big kick in the a** for me was to realize that had I just stayed off initally and rode out the withdrawal for more than 2-3 days, I could have avoided ALOT of physical & emotional suffering. All I'm saying is this: you have to decide when to pull the brake and get off the roller-coaster & just decide for one day at a time that you won't take a pill (sometimes this starts hour by hour - well, it did for me) Take some time off & take lots of hot baths and in a short week (it will seem like a week of eternity at times - I won't lie) you'll be thru it and then just have to stay clean, day by day, but feeling better every day that you're clean from the hydro-hell.
Keep posting ...we're all here to help you & each other.
Thank you, I don't mean this in a bad way. I just feel so much better knowing that I am not alone in this battle. Congrats on 10 days. Can't wait until I'm there. It's so hard looking at my kids (i have 3 girls ages 3,6, and 8. Sometimes I think if I didn't have my girls I would have given up a long time ago. They keep me going and this last week when I really decided that I wanted to quit It was my kid's that made me see that they need their mommy back. The real one, not the one with moods spings like there is no tomorrow. I have not quit yet, but I have made up my mind that I am going too. I made it two days, went to the doc to get my antidepressant filled and he also filled my lortab script. I should have thrown it away, but I am an addict. I did get my antidepressants filled, haven't taken them in 6 months. Started takeing them again today, and vow not to get off of them. I know that they will help me from the depression that comes with w/d's. I wish you and your little boy the best of luck. And you the best of luck staying clean. I hope that I can be as strong as so many people on this sight.
Good morning. I'm sorry i didn't post yesterday, I was not near a computer. Today is day12. It seems to be getting alot easier. I really hope all is well for the both of you. Let me know your doing fine (or not.) I care either way.
Hey, Linda! 12 days - that's great! I'm doing well, and at Day 26 today. Getting ready to go to NA/AA meeting in a moment. Looking forward to a warmer, sunny Sunday here in Atlanta - hope you're here to enjoy it. Take care, my friend! Lay-ta ....
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